Continuing on with my recent trip to Walt Disney World... When I was in Orlando for work in 2017, Pandora: The World of Avatar had not yet opened. I was a month-and-a-half too early. But I was expecting good things. Years prior you could see construction of the "Floating Mountains of Pandora" (AKA "The Hallelujah Mountains," from one of the most cringe scenes in the movie when Norm pumps his fists and is all "YES!" in a moment so fucking embarrassing I seriously worried the actor would never work again). In 2019 the only parks I visited were Magic Kingdom (for a haircut and a veggie dog at Casey's Corner) and Epcot (to eat dinner in Italy and Morocco). NO PANDORA FOR YOU!

But anyway...

Here we are seven years later and I finally made it...

Now, I'm not exactly sure what "Pandora" (not the bracelet) is supposed to be. I think that, like with Star Wars Land, once you cross the threshold into Avatar Land, you're actually supposed to be on Pandora. The attractions certainly make it seem that way. When you're on the Flight of Passage ride, they say you're connecting to an avatar body not across the galaxy, but kilometers away. But unlike Star Wars Land, where there's a good transition to the area, Pandora is like... right there. You pass Pizzafari, walk across a bridge, pass a giant seed pod (or whatever it is), and BAM! Welcome to Pandora. Not a big deal, of course, but it feels like a disconnect.

I did not get to see Avatar Land at night, but apparently that's a great time to see it because things light up and look amazing. I wanted to see what I was missing so I Googled photos people had taken. And, yes, it does indeed look impressive. Next time I'll have to check it out.

But anyway...

You're in a Na'vi village with places to eat and shop for souvenirs (all expensive, some ridiculous). Plus experience two attractions.

The first is Na'vi River Journey. You board a boat and float down a Na'vi river. Hence the name. Along the way you get to see creatures and plants and stuff that makes Pandora so cool. Except the ride is just so... bad. It's boring and less impressive than just watching Avatar. I like the idea as to why it exists... you can experience Pandora at night in the daytime... and I appreciate that. But yikes. Here we go...

The Bad...

• Boring. Seriously. You don't do anything but float and look. There's no story. There's no adventure. There's nothing to do. You're just sitting there. In some ways it's less exciting than It's a Small World.
• Screen Hell. There are a grand total of two Na'vi animatronics. TWO! One waves at you as you enter and is silly. One is singing to you as you leave and is phenomenal. And while there are physical fake plants and some simple physical creatures around (like seeds of Eywa and those spinning lizards) all the interesting stuff is on frickin' screens. That alone makes this attraction pretty bad. They should have filled the thing with animatronics and made it worth your valuable time. It's pretty sad when Elle's Energy Adventure had a more exciting ride-through because at least the creatures you saw were real (well, not real-real, but animatronic-real).

The Good...

• That Na'vi Priestess Animatronic. I mean, seriously. Wow. It's gorgeous. So fluid and realistic-looking. If they had six more of these on the ride... plus some cool animatronic animals... this ride would have been a total banger. As it is, I don't know that this one thing makes the entire attraction worthwhile. Probably. If the wait isn't too long. But there's really no need to ride it more than once. And that's a serious problem. They should refresh this for its 10th anniversary in 2027, because yikes.

The other ride, Avatar Flight of Passage, is the complete opposite of all that. This one attraction makes the entirety of Avatar Land worthwhile to exist. You visit a scientific facility where you are linked with an avatar that is making a flight on a banshee. You then get to experience what the avatar is experiencing, and the way they make it all work is really cool and about as convincing as you can get until there's a big leap in technology. You put on a pair of "flight goggles" (3D glasses), climb on a link saddle, then get put in the middle of a 3D movie as your link saddle does its best to convince you that you're actually riding a banshee. It's pretty great. Unlike Na'vi River Journey, this one is worth your valuable time...

• The Logic. There's some things that don't make sense and are not addressed. It was my understanding from the movies that once a banshee gets linked and bonded with during the Na'vi right of passage, they are bonded with for life. If the rider dies, then the banshee will never bond with anybody else. Which is to say that everybody in the ride queue with you... day-in and day-out... are linking with the same bunch of Na'vi over and over and over again? Don't they get tired? If that's the case, humans must have a very limited sequence of DNA in order to link with them because surely there's a limited number of avatars and banshees available. I dunno. I'm probably over-thinking it, but I've read the Avatar books that explain all this stuff in detail and it seems like Disney and James Cameron could have done more to make this make sense.
• Discomfort. The link chairs are not exactly comfortable. Especially for me because I have a bad ankle. You're supposed to keep your feet flat on the floor while being bent forward, which is something my right foot just can't do because I injured it ages ago skydiving. I did it (in pain) while the cast members made their walkthrough, but then bent it so I wasn't crying through the entire ride. And I don't get it. There's absolutely no reason that you can't bend your foot! You're locked in, so it's not even a safety thing. Although I'm guessing that's what they'd say. I was worried that they'd kick me off the ride if I didn't so I tried to comply at the start, but it was so unnecessary. They should install pegs so people with mobility issues can at least be comfortable.

• The Tech. This is essentially a version of Soarin' except everybody is sitting on their own link chair. And those chairs are great. They move well. And they frickin' breathe! Once you're linked to an avatar, you feel what they feel and that involves the banshee breathing between your legs. They really sell the illusion of flight and it's a lot of fun.
• The Movie. The 3D film is what's going to make or break the experience. Fortunately, it's incredibly well done. The 3D is subtle so there's not weird moments where things are unrealistically punching you in the face. The flight path you take is thrilling. There's moments where you land and take in the view that keeps it feeling real. And, most importantly, it really looks like you're on Pandora.
• The Pre-Show. The queue is nothing special. But once you enter the pre-show chamber, they create a great illusion that sells what you're going to experience. Rather than just making you stand on numbers without any attempt to make it make sense, you're standing on them to get scanned so they can find a compatible avatar. You then have to go to the corresponding link chair so that you're linked with the correct avatar that you were matched with. It's a more immersive way of getting people assigned their seat than you usually see.
• Re-Ridability. Even if the experience wasn't so amazing, you'd probably still want to ride it again because the movie is so wonderfully detailed. There's stuff going on that you'll miss the first five times you ride it.

They really need to get on another attraction for Pandora so they can take down River Journey and fix it. It's a real sore spot in what could be a top-tier experience.

Alien hordes about to overwhelm your position? You situation seems hopeless? Not on my watch! So stop your grinnin' and drop your linen... because Bullet Sunday starts... now...

   
• Matterhorn! HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?!??

Dude. I'm just... wow. Would I love to experience something beyond amazing like this? Certainly. Would I be crapping my pants, hugging the mountain, and crying for my mommy? Lord, yes.

   
• Adopted? I have watched this entirely too many times and laugh my fool head off each time...

I swear, I'd rather watch TikToks than television now-a-days. All the most clener and original content is happening there.

   
• Volcano! I saw these videos of a drone flying over lava and into a crater that's erupting in Iceland but keep forgetting to share them...

Now this is what drones were made for!

   
• GOAT! GAAAAH! THE CUTENESS!!!

My ambition in life is to have an experience so good that, if I had a tail, it would be wagging like that. A good start is watching all the Goat Daddy's TikToks.

   
• Avatarland. I used to visit Orlando twice a year for the charity I worked with. It was always a fun time because I have friends in the area and often times my mom would want to go with me because she absolutely loved Walt Disney World. Because of this, it was tough for me when my work in Orlando ended... mostly because they are adding cool new stuff all the time and haven't seen any of it. Star Wars Galaxy's Edge? Nope. Pandora: The World of Avatar? Nope. I'll undoubtedly make it back one of these days but, in the meanwhile, there's YouTuber Jenny Nicholson. She's goes deep, deep into "Pandora" so you can visit without actually visiting...

Interesting stuff. Now I want to return more than ever.

   
• Oh Shit! As much as I love the idea of living in Australia, there are reasons that will never happen. Like this...

Yeah. Nooooooo thank you.

   
• Classmates. And let's end this on a feel-good story you need on a Sunday...

And here's the original story...

Best of luck to him.

   
Alrighty then. Guess it's time to clean my mess of a kitchen so I can start off my week without stressing over the disaster I've got going on there.

Ummm... yeah. If you live within a hundred miles of an IMAX theater showing Avatar in 3-D... you should go. And if you don't live within a hundred miles radius of an IMAX theater showing Avatar in 3-D... you should still go. It's just that mind-blowing an experience.

Sure the story is so predictable that you'll feel you've suddenly become psychic. And yes, the plot is so black & white that you could cut yourself with the sharp division between good & evil. And true, it's got some stuff going on that seems so forced that you'll swear a giant shoehorn is going to appear on-screen any minute.

But...

It's also the singular most immersive spectacle you're likely to see for a while.

After seeing the miraculous CGI used to create an entire world, you will believe that anything is possible. Anything...

You keep telling yourself that it's not real... that it's just a computer-generated image... but then you forget. And pretty soon you just give in to the fact that 10-foot tall blue aliens actually exist.

And that alone would be amazing.

But the 3-D pushes it to the next level. There were several times throughout the movie that my fear of heights was literally kicking in. This isn't some cheesy attempt to use 3-D for quirky effects... it's 3-D used with such subtlety and mastery that it puts you in the film. Which is why you really need to make an effort to see it in IMAX 3-D before it's gone.

Well, until the sequel comes along.

Bravo, James Cameron. This time you've created a movie that actually deserves to make billions of dollars.

And so... James Cameron's Avatar is dropping in theaters this Friday, and I am near the point of desperation to go see it. The problem is that I positively loathe to go to the movies anymore. People have reached new heights of rudeness, and it's just not as fun as it used to be. I spend most of my time filled with rage because people are getting calls on their mobile phones, lighting up the entire theater by texting, talking in loud voices and making noise, kicking the seats in front of them, and being all-around assholes. Why should I pay $7.50 for a ticket and $6.00 for a Coke to be subjected to that?

Maybe I should publish a new addition to my growing family of "Dumbasses" books so I can pass them out whenever I go to the movies?

Though the odds of anybody too rude to already know theater etiquette actually taking time to read it are slim.

So maybe I do what I usually do, and wait for the Blu-Ray to be released.

But then I look at this poster popping up everywhere...

...and I really, really want to go.

   
Here's hoping that if I do go I won't end up killing anybody.

When it comes to avatars, I like photographs best because you can put a face to what somebody wrote. So even though I think Lil' Dave and Bad Monkey would make better avatars for me, I always bite the bullet and upload a photo of myself.

Unlike SOME people (ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem... etc. etc... YOU know who you are!).

This is my default avatar...

Whenever I sign up for a new social media site or online service or user forum or whatever, that's what I use. It's fairly current, doesn't look too hideous, is perfectly square, reduces well, and is stored on my desktop so it's ready to go at a moment's notice.

And most of the time it's fine because I don't use those kind of sites very often.

But Twitter is a service I use every day, several times a day. Whatever photo I use on Twitter is something I see constantly. Consequently, I get bored with my avatar after a while and am compelled to change it. To keep track of the photos I've used, I put copies in a folder. Today, I changed avatars again, and noticed that folder is getting quite full. Turns out I've used 21 different images for Twitter so far...

Meh. Perhaps one of these days I'll find myself an avatar I like well enough to keep for a while.

But before I go... while puttering around the internet today, I found this to be very cool and this to be totally reprehensible.