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Intestinal

Posted on Tuesday, August 26th, 2008

Dave!Turns out that when all you can eat is crappy stuff like carrots and rice cakes, you don't really have much of an appetite.

I spent much of the day forcing myself to eat tiny meals at 2 hour intervals so I stay full, but most of the time I just wasn't interested. Pineapple slices, almonds and apple juice for breakfast. Rice cake and raisins for after-breakfast snack. An apple and Pineapple-Orange juice for before-lunch snack. A salad with grape tomatoes, tofu, and Vinaigrette plus a rice cake and water for lunch. Carrots and almonds as an after-lunch snack. A banana as a before-dinner snack. Rice cakes with Spanish rice and tomatoes on top plus mango-pineapple juice for dinner.

And I never wanted to eat any of it, because none of it sounded remotely tempting (though it all tasted okay).

But that's alright. Because tomorrow I have to drive to Spokane and I will cheat on my restrictive diet. I will cheat because Spokane is home to the best pizza on earth, and I would rather die than visit there and not eat some of it. But I will only have one slice, and I won't drink a soda with it, so hopefully it won't mess things up too much.

Nobody tell my doctor.

A lot of people made note of what I'm eating and were concerned about two things... protein and my bowels.

The protein isn't too big of a deal. This diet is only a two-week trial, and I'm eating almonds and tofu to make sure I don't collapse.

And my bowels are fine, thank you for asking.

Apparently many people commented that eating all those fruit and vegetables would cause "intestinal distress," yet I've experienced no such problems. But the week is young. This is not to say I won't be giving a presentation or something when all of a sudden my bowels act up...

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave giving a presentation.

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave's stomache rumbles.

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave starts farting.

   

Then I guess my ass is just supposed to explode all over the place...

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave's ass explodes and shit splats on the wall.

As fun as that all sounds, I think my bowels will be happy to keep it all contained.

At least I hope so.

Wouldn't it be horrible to be driving in the middle of nowhere (i.e. Eastern Washington State) and have your ass explode?


Categories: DaveToons 2008, Food 2008Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. Howard says:

    It’s horrible to have your ass explode any where, thank you very much. Even in the hospital where they expect it. Not that it happened to me there recently, mind you.

  2. Alex says:

    You shouldn’t be aiding and abetting the doctors. What if they find out that you ARE intollerant to one of your base food groups from your pie chart? You may as well just hand them the gun!

  3. pocketCT says:

    awww if you were near here I could make you some kick ass food that is on you diet. Kick ass is different than exploding ass.

  4. RW says:

    No peanut butter? Seriously.

  5. beth says:

    Ewww, Ewww, and Ewww.

    Doesn’t cheating on a trial diet kinda negate the trial? Just sayin… Though I don’t blame you one bit.

  6. Michelle says:

    LOL, your eating day sound like a hobbit. Ya know, “breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, lunch, afternoon tea, supper, dinner”, etc.

    I know I’m such a geek.

  7. Avitable says:

    I think maybe karma wants you to start eating steak.

  8. delmer says:

    Is it just me? Or is that Mary on the wall behind Little Dave in the last panel?

  9. B.E. Earl says:

    How can you spend more on cocaine than hookers?

    That’s just fiscally un-wise!

  10. Iron Fist says:

    It’s a good thing Lil’ Dave has those quick release pants for just those sort of incidents.

  11. Lewis says:

    Man, you’re a whiner. Just as big a baby as me! As for the pizza, you know I’d join you in a second….diet or no diet. but if it’s the wheat or cheese that’s the problem,then look out! There’d better be a toilet nearby!

  12. Naomi says:

    Spokane?! Fraaaaaaank’s Diiiiiiner!

    And: I love food way to much…it pains me to read about your diet. My heart–not normally capable of sympathy–truly goes out to you. *sigh*

  13. Darci says:

    Michelle – I was so thinking the same thing about Hobbits…Geeks Unite!

    Dave – That Da Vinci pizza looks truly amazing and worth the minor digression off the Hobbit diet. As for the exploding ass – Ewwww

  14. ChillyWilly says:

    They have car johns for when you have to pee on the road. I wonder what they make for exploding bowels (besides Depends)

  15. You can call me, 'Sir' says:

    I’m thinking that if people are OK with the hookers and the cocaine, a little ass explosion isn’t going to be too off-putting.

  16. Chris says:

    Wow, an exploding ass sounds like it might hurt a bit. Try to throttle back on the cocaine and hookers, might help… NAH!

  17. ok really everyone should thank me right now because i will not be sharing my exploding ass stories. that is right people, storieS.
    you are welcome.

  18. Hilly says:

    Is it wrong that I can just see you scurrying towards a bathroom with an intense look on your face???

  19. Sarah says:

    Is it weird that the first thing I thought when I finished your blog is who’d clean out the car if your bowels exploded? There is so much I could have focused on in this post and instead I’m wondering how the car would get clean. That’s such an odd thing to focus on.

  20. Justin Scott says:

    While I always enjoy your posts… it’s the cartoons that go with them just murder me!

  21. heather says:

    oh dave, i am so disappointed in you. all that money on hookers and coke but not a single dime for booze or grass.
    *sigh*
    i suggest calling ahead to make sure they have a slice of da vinci for you.
    you know, seeing how as you’re gonna have to limit yourself to just one slice.

  22. jewelz916 says:

    Explosing asses are NEVER a good thing! Hope your doctors are able to figure out what’s going on with all of this torture that they’re putting you through!
    I, personally, will be visiting my doctor to find out if I’m having gall bladder issues. Pain, Pain, Pain! Nausea! Oh the Agony!

  23. Mik says:

    Having your arse explode anywhere is going to be a bad day, on a crowded bus would be really bad.

  24. awytch says:

    If you go Highway 2 there are more options for bathrooms/emergency pit stop hidey places, but if you go Hwy 90 you might make it there quicker…

    Decisions, decisions-

    I’d go Hwy 2, better scenery and more pit stop spots (just in case).

    Why are the docs torturing you anyway?

  25. Michelle says:

    Um, do you ever use the stove? Ya know to cook?

  26. yellojkt says:

    The upside is that nobody would be around to see it.

  27. Jennine says:

    You just need to find one of those “becky-home-ecky” sort of hookers who knows how to cook a good man meal.

  28. Winter says:

    Little Dave’s face while sharting is too funny. I love how one of the tags is Exploding Ass.

  29. Wow. Um. Ass explosion. Illustrated and stuff.

    I need to go throw up now. Thanks.

  30. John says:

    I’m very impressed with your priorities pie chart. : )

  31. jewelz916 says:

    Okay….now this has gotten weird. You’re in my HEAD, man! Or else, you’re in my guts! Get outta my guts!
    Read my latest post…you’ll see what I mean.
    I’m living your life, Dave…I’m living your life.

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