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Escalated

Posted on Friday, February 1st, 2013

Dave!When I woke up, there was a dull ache in my frontal lobe. I thought maybe I had smacked my head on the nightstand or something, and tried to ignore it.

By the time I got to work, the pain had escalated to something impossible to ignore, so medication was in order. Alas, it was over-the-counter medication which did absolutely nothing.

I lasted three hours before I couldn't take it any more. It was time to take my head home before I puked on my desk or something equally disturbing...

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave Head Explosion

And so here I am... too drugged up to concentrate on work, but not drugged up enough to sleep.

About all I'm good for is a quick blog entry, which is serendipitous, I suppose.

   

Futurist

Posted on Saturday, February 2nd, 2013

Dave!Having missed most of my work-day yesterday because of my aching head, I was determined that I would wake up early this morning and get caught up so I could spend some time working on the upcoming issue of THRICE Fiction. But the pills I had to take for the pain thought otherwise, and I ended up being mostly dead for most of the morning, so that plan went right out the window.

For lunch I ended up eating at the Olive Garden where I ordered the Fettuccine Alfredo. Which isn't really Fettuccine Alfredo because the sauce seems to be mostly cream, instead of the parmesan/butter mix that comprises the original. Oh well. It may not taste as good, but it's still a decent plate of pasta.

While eating my Not-Alfredo, I notice a kid at the table across from mine staring at me. Since he was sitting at a huge table filled with nothing but adults that were ignoring him, I figured he was bored enough to find me an interesting distraction. But that wasn't it at all.

He was studying how I ate my pasta.

Apparently the concept of twirling the noodles into a spoon with your fork was something new to him.

He gave it his best shot... until the person next to him told him to stop playing around, then cut his spaghetti into pieces, ruining it.

Oh well.

Hopefully when the kid gets old enough to strike out on his own and escape from these people who don't know how to eat pasta, he'll remember that he once saw a better way.

Amazing how much my hopes for the future depends on people forgetting what they were taught today.

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Bullet Sunday 315

Posted on Sunday, February 3rd, 2013

Dave!Cancel your post-Super-Bowl plans... because Bullet Sunday starts now...

   
• Poop! On March 1st, one of the greatest innovations in toilet technology ever conceived will finally be available... THE DIGITAL 2-IN-1 POTTY WITH ACTIVITY SEAT FOR iPAD! Or, as I like to call this stunning testament to genius... the iPotty...

The IPotty

Why this isn't available in adult sizes, I will never know. If you want to order one, Amazon is accepting pre-orders!

   
• Bowl! I really don't give a crap about football in general, and the Super Bowl in particular, but my love of a good television commercial definitely have me looking forward to the big game. Or, since I don't watch the thing, I guess I should say after the big game... where I rush to see all the ads that aired.

This year was a massive disappointment. Most of the ads sucked ass (that idiotic GoDaddy ad was just fucking gross), and there was only one... ONE commercial that I felt was Super Bowl worthy...

And even that was a bit manipulative and predictable.

What happened to the epic Super Bowl commercials of yesteryear?

   
• Closing! One of my favorite guilty pleasures is searching the internet for "The World's Most Dangerous Airport Landings." There are several really good lists, and a number of scary videos... all glorifying those airports that are insanely difficult to land at. Later this month, one of those airports... Ecuador’s Mariscal Sucre International Airport in Quito... is due to close. I am very familiar with it, because it's appeared on a number of those "Most Dangerous" lists I love, and for good reason. It's right in the middle of a big city, is surrounded by mountains, is plagued by nasty cross-winds, and is at a high altitude...

Quito Airport

Having trouble finding it? Yeah... that's just one of the problems...

Quito Airport Outlined
Photo was uncredited, but I got it from Flying Magazine.

I always thought it would be cool to have bragging rights to have landed at one of these crazy airports. Guess there's one less chance of that happening now. Though I'll bet the people whose homes are surrounding Mariscal Sucre aren't sorry about that.

   
• Trek! The Lone Ranger, Man of Steel, Oblivion, Monsters University, A Good Day to Die Hard, Gravity, World War Z, Elysium, Despicable Me 2, Thor: The Dark World , Oldboy, Pacific Rim, R.I.P.D.... the list of awesome-looking movies coming out this year is nearly endless. But there are two that I am looking forward to above all others. This is the first...

Talk about boldly going where no Star Trek has gone before... Into Darkness looks amazing.

   
• Metal! And, numero dos... the ramp-up to Iron Man 3 is going to be excruciating. The new Super Bowl ad seems to indicate that the film will hit all the right notes...

Of course, after this installment, I'm just going to be pining away for Iron Man 4, so I guess it's always something.

   
And... time to take my busted body to bed.

   

Skyfall

Posted on Monday, February 4th, 2013

Dave!I never got to see the latest James Bond film, Skyfall, in theaters. I had to watch it on a plane the first time I saw it. But that tiny seat-back screen made it impossible to see the beautiful cinematography that made the movie so compelling, so I watched it again tonight (iTunes has it available in HD a week before the DVD/Blu-Ray hits on the 12th... just $14.99!).

I really liked this film, even though I thought the story was kind of small for a James Bond flick. The villain isn't out to conquer the world or cause mass destruction or steal tons of money... he just wants to kill M. It makes for a more personal movie, I guess, but kind of one-note...

Bond in Skyfall

And now a few SPOILER-FILLED notes from this long-time James Bond fan...

  • While I love Adele the person, I am not a fan of her music. Can't stand it, to be honest (and I fucking hate... hate her big hit Rolling in the Deep). But her theme song for Skyfall is spot-on. It has a very James Bond retro feel, but is thoroughly modern in its approach. It is so good that it makes me want to give her music another chance. Maybe
  • That being said, I found the opening credits a bit convoluted and overdone. They started out promising (and very Bond), but ultimately end up a big-ol'-toss-in-the-kitchen-sink mess.
  • As I mentioned, this film is absolutely gorgeous. The cinematography is stunning at every turn, and the film truly is a work of art in that respect. The assassination scene in Shanghai is the most eye-popping bit of film I've seen in quite a while.
  • Daniel Craig so totally owns the role of James Bond in this film that it makes me almost forget that Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan, and George Lazenby ever inhabited it. He's damaged and broken in a way that you'd really expect James Bond to be in order to act like he acts and do what he does.
  • When I saw the movie on the airplane the first time, I was really annoyed by Javier Bardem's baddie character, Raoul Silva. He seemed so flighty and non-threatening. Now that I've seen it on a screen considerably larger than 6-inches (with a sound system that actually works), I was blown away at just how chilling and subtle his performance was. Different for a Bond villain, but not in a bad way.
  • SPOILER! As good as Ralph Fiennes is as an actor, I am finding it inconceivable that the next Bond film won't have Dame Judi Dench as M in it. She was absolutely magnificent in the role, and made it her own in a way that few actors could. From a story standpoint, I know why they did what they did... but I still think it was a very stupid move that will ultimately hurt the franchise.
  • SPOILER! The post-end-game twist of making field agent "Eve" actually be "Eve Moneypenny" was a clever one. But here's the thing... they made such a big deal over the idea that "being an agent in the field isn't for everyone" as a foreshadowing to Eve leaving the field to sit behind a desk... but, holy shit, Moneypenny was fucking awesome in the field! She kicked ass in the opening, and was balls-out fearless in following her orders. What a shame.
  • SPOILER! It didn't help that they made Moneypenny so brutally hot. She made for one smokin' secret agent!
  • SPOILER! First they made M a woman in GoldenEye. Then they made Felix Lighter black in Casino Royale. Now they've made Ms. Moneypenny black as well. And while I applaud the franchise's efforts to embrace diversity, I have to question whether flipping genders and races of established characters is the most compelling way to do this. Why not create memorable, fascinating, original characters for women and persons of color? Like Halle Berry's awesome "Jinx" from Die Another Day? Why not give us a baddie who's a black woman, for example? Because, seriously, how amazing would Angela Bassett be as a Bond villain? Just so long as you don't make her Blofeld.
  • SPOILER! When I first saw that the new Q was a young kid, it made perfect sense. Boy genius on the cutting edge of tech? Sign me up? But how fucking stupid did he turn out to be? Not only did he NOT confiscate M's laptop so he could scrub the virus and try to track it back to its source, he plugged in an unsecured laptop into MI6's local network?!? No IT tech guy smart enough to be running Q Branch could possibly be this idiotic.
  • SPOILER! I am conflicted over the big reveal of Bond's back-story. On one hand, it completely screws the character when a key piece of his composition... his "mysterious past"... is no longer mysterious. On the other hand, Bond seems a little more "real" now. I can't decide if it was worth it.
  • All things considered, this is one of the best Bond films in the series. If there's anything coming up short, it's shoehorning the whole "politics of MI6" into the story. The courtroom drama was neither interesting or necessary. In fact, I'd argue it actually worked against the story.
  • When it comes to the next film in the franchise, I sincerely hope that we're going to get a globe-spanning criminal mastermind that pushes the stakes to a new level for the new James Bond. Daniel Craig hasn't really had that yet, and he deserves it. Well, either that... or the return of Jaws!
  • And, on that note, I guess it's 007 out.

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Token

Posted on Tuesday, February 5th, 2013

Dave!And so the Monopoly people selected the winning and losing tokens for their latest game sets.

The loser? My favorite token, of course. The iron is no more.

The winner? It's the cat...

Kitty Token Monopoly

It's a pretty cool token, really, though I was hoping the robot would win. But why couldn't they have dumped the stupid wheelbarrow or the stupid shoe instead of the iron?

Monopoly Tokens

Oh well. Guess I'll be the top hat from here on out. Who has a favorite token?

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007

Posted on Wednesday, February 6th, 2013

Dave!After reading my take on the latest James Bond feature, Skyfall (which I said was "one of the best"), I was asked "Well, if this wasn't THE best... which movie IS your favorite?"

The easy answer is to toss out Goldfinger or From Russia with Love... maybe Dr. No... but the truth is that I didn't know. And since your favorite James Bond films probably says a lot more about you than what toothpaste you use, I wanted to think on it.

And so I did. My ranking of all twenty-four films follows.

  1. Goldfinger. It's quintessential Bond in every possible way. You've got the famous original (Sean Connery) battling one of the best villains in the franchise (Auric Goldfinger!) with the most famous henchmen (Oddjob!) and the perfect Bond girls (Pussy Galore! Jill Masterson!) and a Bond-worthy plot (attack Fort Knox!) and a Shirley Bassey power theme song (HE LOVES ONLY GOLD! HE LOVES GOLD!). This is everything James Bond is in a single film, which is why it tops a lot of "Best of Bond" lists... including this one.
  2. Casino Royale. After years of fumbling, the entire franchise is rebooted with Daniel Craig finally bringing back James Bond as a force to be reckoned with. I am the first to admit that the film does drag a bit... with too much emphasis being put on a card game that is more like a rulebook for Texas Hold'em Poker than a vital story element... but just about everything else is exactly what you want in a 007 film. The contemporary plot was driven by money manipulation, but didn't end up as boring as it would seem. On the contrary, the action was gritty and real in a way that the franchise needed to stay relevant in today's more brutal, less elegant world. I know it's probably heresy to say so, but Craig became my favorite James Bond after just this one outing. The theme song You Know My Name by Soundgarden's Chris Cornell was a rockin' kick to the head, and exactly what was needed for the first film in a new James Bond series.
  3. From Russia with Love. It's been said that this film is the closest to the original James Bond novels. Having never read them, I don't know if that's true, but I do see the film as a much grittier take on the character than we're used to. The plot is Cold War relevant, with 007 having to assist with the defection of a Soviet asset. Unfortunately for Bond, he also has to deal with SPECTRE, who is hell-bent on revenge because he killed Dr. No. The result is a movie that predates the gimmick-laden films that would follow, and relies on smarts and action to tell one of the best 007 stories (indeed, many people name this as their favorite). It also has some of the most memorable moments, including Rosa Klebb with her deadly shoes and that classic slugfest on top the Orient Express. A part of me wants to give the theme song a break because it's from a different era, but Matt Monro's efforts here seem painfully boring to me here in 2013.
  4. For Your Eyes Only. Yes. Yes I know. Most people consider this to be another Roger Moore flop that strayed from the original Bond formula too far (even though it was designed to be just the opposite). But I think that's the reason I like it so much. It's an entirely different take on classic James Bond that's done really, really well. And it was the first Bond I saw in a movie theater, so it kind of rings nostalgic to me in that respect. The location shooting in such locations as Greece, Spain, and Italy featured some really cool visuals and epic stunts that define the series, and that formed a base for a good story to be told. Basically, 007 is trying to recover a computer with deadly security consequences for the entire world. Along the way Bond hooks up with a revenge-minded Melina Havelock, whose deadly mission both helps and hurts his own. Couple all that with a flawless performance by Topol, not to mention one of my favorite theme songs (Sheena Easton!), and this movie deserves a lot more respect in the Bond universe than it gets.
  5. Skyfall. A much smaller, more personal kind of Bond film... but not in a bad way. I've already talked about it here.
  6. Dr. No. As the first "real" James Bond film to come out of Ian Fleming's novels, all the visual stylings of the character were invented here. Including the iconic intro sequence looking at Bond through the barrel of a gun. The plot revolves around Dr. No and his ties to SPECTRE (which would propel the entire film franchise for decades to come) and his plot to sabotage an American Project Mercury human spaceflight launch. Along the way we are treated to many of the things that would become staples of the character, including the original "Bond Girl," Honey Ryder, as played by Ursula Andress. Honey emerging from the ocean in a white bikini is probably one of the most famous Bond moments in history, and that scene alone would put the movie in my top ten. Fortunately, there was a lot more going for it, pushing Dr. No up to #6. The theme song here was THE James Bond theme song, which is timeless and flawless in a way that most movie tracks can only dream about. A pity it ran short and they filled the remainder of the opening with a bunch of crap, including Three Blind Mice.
  7. The Spy Who Loved Me. Okay, I admit that part of my nostalgia for this Bond installment is due to the masterful opening credits with Carly Simon belting out Nobody Does it Better, but that was only the beginning. The insane story involved villain Karl Stromberg wanting to destroy the planet so he could start an entirely new civilization under the ocean. As Bond investigates, he runs across a Russian agent working to stop Stromberg's mad plan. But... uh oh... she's also the wife of a Russian spy that Bond killed in the movie opening. Drama! Probably the thing most people remember from this film (other than the theme song) was an appearance by classic Bond villain Jaws, a ruthless killer with a mouth full of metal. Overall, this was a really good Bond film that cemented my love for the character... even though I saw it after both Moonraker and For Your Eyes Only.
  8. Die Another Day. When Pierce Brosnan took over the role of James Bond, I was ecstatic because I had long thought he was perfect for it. Much to my shock and horror, I ended up thinking he was ill-fit for the role. He over-intensified absolutely everything, and could never capture the casual cool that is a trademark of the character. Every line was delivered not with the winning confidence of the world's foremost super-spy, but as a desperate life-and-death gambit. Like he was wound too tight or something. Ironically, it was Brosnan's final film, Die Another Day, where he finally seemed to calm down and inhabit the character. Or maybe I was just transfixed with Halle Berry being the best "James Bond" in years... talk about casual, cool, and confident! The plot was a good one and revolved around a power-mad North Korean general wanting to eradicate South Korean defenses so he could invade. The theme song was an auto-tune mess by Madonna, but it had a throbbing electronica feel and I still liked it (much more than Madonna's terrible cameo in the film).
  9. Moonraker. This film has one thing going for it that ranks it a bit higher than it probably should be... the world-domination plot is about as Bond as it gets. Yes, injecting the Space Shuttle into the story was an obvious attempt to get a jump on the actual missions that were coming up two years later and to cash in on the Star Wars phenomenon, but I didn't think it was done badly at all. Bond girl Dr. Holly Goodhead was a beautiful, refreshingly competent update from the usual eye-candy, and villain Hugo Drax was classic Bond all the way. As if that weren't enough, the movie was beautifully shot in locations like Venice and Rio de Janeiro, featured some killer visual effects, and had an amazing theme song by Shirley Bassey! Hell, it's James Bond in space! What's not to love?
  10. A View to a Kill. I'm probably going to catch some shit for this film being being in my top-ten, but come on! The villains are CHRISTOPHER WALKEN AND GRACE JONES and the theme song is an awesome track by DURAN DURAN! Yeah, the Nazi-super-child computer-chip world-domination plot was a bit out there. And, yeah, Roger Moore was too old to really do the story justice (opposite Tanya Roberts!) in his final 007 flick. But, ZOMG!, CHRISTOPHER WALKEN, GRACE JONES, AND DURAN DURAN!
  11. Thunderball. SPECTRE is up to their naughty hijinks yet again... this time stealing some nuclear bombs to terrorize the earth. Probably most famous for having 007 in a jetpack during the film opening, Thunderball seems to be a love-it or hate-it affair with Bond fans. While I do love it overall (it's Connery, after all), I find big portions of it to be extremely boring. Still, it does have a lot of trademark action and those killer underwater battles going for it. The theme song, crooned with almost gag-inducing drama by Tom Jones is one of my least favorite (ANY WOMAN HE WANTS, HE'LL GET! HE WILL BREAK ANY HEART WITHOUT REGRET!).
  12. Quantum of Solace. It's unbelievable how Daniel Craig's Bond could have such a huge clunker in-between two amazing Bond entries (Casino Royale and Skyfall), but here it is. Overall, it's not a bad film... just a huge mess that made it difficult to enjoy what good bits were there. The theme song was another mess entirely, taking two artists I like (Alicia Keys and Jack White) and somehow delivering something totally sub-par.
  13. Tomorrow Never Dies. I can appreciate the concept of a media mogul wanting to terrorize the world in order to make headlines for the news outlets he controls... we see that in the real world every day... but it didn't hold enough weight to anchor a James Bond film in any serious way. Even when that mogul is played exceedingly well by Jonathan Pryce. About the only thing that kept this film from floating away completely was the sublime presence of Michelle Yeoh as Chinese super-spy Wai Lin. The theme song was sung beautifully by Sheryl Crow (with a vocal range I didn't even know she had), but was ultimately boring and predictable ("Martinis, girls, and guns! It's murder on our love affair!").
  14. Goldeneye. As I mentioned in Die Another Day, Pierce Brosnan fell far short of my lofty expectations as James Bond, and his first turn at 007 is replete with reasons why. CIA agent Jack Wade (confusingly played by The Living Daylights villain Joe Don Baker) said it best when he called James a "stiff-ass Britt"... because Brosnan's every word felt stiff, forced, and overly dramatic. A complete departure from the smooth, classy Remington Steele take I was expecting. The plot was good enough (rogue Russian colonel Arkady Ourumov gets control of the all-powerful GoldenEye satellite)... the casting was good (Famke Janssen as Xenia Onatopp, and Dame Judi Dench's first film as M!)... and the score by one of my favorite musicians (Eric Sera) was top-notch... but it just didn't come together as well as it should have. On the plus side, we did get Tina Turner belting out the theme song this time around, and she killed it.
  15. On Her Majesty's Secret Service. This is that infamous Bond movie with one-off 007 George Lazenby who stepped in when Sean Connery wanted too much money. He then went on to dis James Bond and declare he'll never do another one, which was a big "fuck you" to fans that makes me not like this film as much as I could have. Indeed, it's Telly Savales' Blofeld and Diana Rigg's all-too-short Mrs. James Bond that make me like it this much. Anyways... this is a decent story with a bitter ending that gave us All the Time in the World, so it's not all bad.
  16. The Man with the Golden Gun. Christopher Lee was the perfect choice for the titular villain in this Bond outing, but there were simply too many absurd clichés to push this film to where it needed to be. Hervé Villechaize as "Nick-Nack" was bad enough, but kung-fu schoolgirls and other attempts to inject comedy where it doesn't belong sabotaged what could have been a really good 007 movie. Still, it did have some exotic location shooting in Thailand which was cool. The theme song was pretty bad, aiming for fanciful frenzy and energy, but ultimately falling flat.
  17. The World is Not Enough. Utterly forgettable Pierce Brosnan flick thanks to a boring plot about blowing up a pipeline (or whatever), not to mention the casting of Denise Richards as nuclear physicist(!) Dr. Christmas Jones. About the only thing I enjoyed from this film was the fantastic theme song by Garbage... Shirley Manson's haunting vocals oozing over a creeping melody set the stage for a much better movie than what we ended up getting.
  18. You Only Live Twice. The theme song was a pleasing but drowsy rendition by Nancy Sinatra that works okay, but could have (should have?) been much more. Which is pretty much what I feel about this gadget-infused take on Bond. The story is confusing and crazy, involving SPECTRE, rockets, and a plot to start World War III. About the only memorable thing I took away from this movie (which I haven't seen in years) was the exotic Japanese locations and outlandish scenarios. Everything else is a forgettable blur.
  19. License to Kill. Timothy Dalton's second and final 007 flick has two things going for it. First of all, the theme song by Gladys Knight was pretty darn good. The other thing was that the story had a very different Bond being all manipulative and devious, which I loved. The problem being that Dalton shitted all over it. He was an awful, awful James Bond. In my fan-boy fantasies, I picture Daniel Craig stepping in and totally owning the script, elevating the film much higher in my list. But that's not what we got. Instead we get a third-rate drug kingpin takedown flick with actors that felt like they'd have a hard time getting cast on a television show. After this we got Pierce Brosnan as 007, which was a huge step up... but not quite the slam-dunk I was hoping for...
  20. Never Say Never Again. This cash grab by an aging Sean Connery can be safely ignored since it's not an official Eon film production, but that's not its greatest sin. No, that would be that it's a remake of a Bond flick that Connery had already done... Thunderball. All that being said, this is not the worst James Bond film because it did feature brilliant casting and a really good director who knew how to push all the right buttons. Among the best was Fatima Bush (Barbara Carrera), whose deranged bad-girl villainy was worth the price of admission. The theme song this time around was pretty but forgettable, and felt more like a lounge act than anything else.
  21. Diamonds are Forever. Sean Connery was lured back to Bond by a massive payday after skipping out on the previous installment, but his heart just wasn't in it. The plot is about diamond smuggling, but it really doesn't matter... this by-the-numbers Bond installment was pretty forgettable, including the theme song by the otherwise amazing Shirley Bassey.
  22. Live and Let Die. Maybe it's because I thought the whole blaxploitation genre was a bad fit for a James Bond flick, but I just could not get into this film. That's surprising considering we have a truly great theme song by Paul McCartney and Wings, Jane Seymour, and a pretty good two-two-two-villains-in-one idea (played brilliantly by Yaphet Kotto). But we also have some truly corny moments and characters (including the horrific Sheriff J.W. Pepper), along with a laughable voodoo-themed drug plot that felt like it would work better in a cheesy porn flick. So, no, I was not impressed with Roger Moore's first outing as Bond, and thought this feeble attempt to cash-in on the blaxploitation gravy-train to be pretty much crap.
  23. The Living Daylights. Hmmm... what do I remember about this one? Well, a-ha sang the incredible theme song brilliantly. And I think this was Timothy Dalton's first bland, dull, lifeless, Bond entry. Ooh! And there was a girl with a cello and drugs on camels... or something. Blergh. You know you're in trouble when the only thing you liked best from the film was the theme song. But it's not the first time (see: Live and Let Die).
  24. Octopussy. Ye gads. Just as I absolutely fucking hated Star Wars II: Revenge of the Sith when Chewbacca broke character (and universe) by doing the "Tarzan yell" as he swung through the trees, I fucking hated Octopussy for the same reason. It's meant to be funny but it's tragically stupid, and sucks you out of the film you're watching. As if that weren't enough for me to take a shit on this Bond installment, 007 dresses up AS A FUCKING CLOWN! Absolutely everything in this film... from the nonsensical plot to the cliché-laden characters and story... is dreadful. Whomever pitched the idea of James Bond joining the circus should be shot. The icing on the cake was the theme song by Rita Coolidge, All Time High, which was a sleepy, boring ballad that started the film off with a snore.

And that's a wrap. My hope is that Daniel Craig (who is contracted for two more films) will continue doing amazing things with James Bond before the inevitable passing of the torch. Time will tell, but looking at the latter half of this list has me dreading that day.

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Ugly?

Posted on Thursday, February 7th, 2013

Dave!So this is where "society" is at now...

Pretty Cheerleader

   

   

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Fate

Posted on Friday, February 8th, 2013

Dave!I choose to believe that everything means something and there's a reason for everything that happens.

Because of this, the cornerstone of my entire belief structure is that nothing occurs by chance and everything turns out exactly how it was meant to be in the end. This is not always an easy things to put your faith in, however. When misfortune strikes... when something goes terribly wrong... when people are suffering... it's difficult to take it on faith that this is the way it's supposed to be. That everything will work itself out in the end. And yet, there's some comfort to be found when you believe that even tragedy will ultimately lead us to where we need to be.

Some people feel this is fate or destiny. Others attribute it to God's will. Still others feel it is a lesson designed to teach you something for your next life. And some just think The Universe has a way of sorting things out. Regardless, it's certainly a kinder way of dealing with adversity than believing tragedy happens for no reason at all. Because if all the world's suffering is for nothing, that would make life almost unbearable, wouldn't it?

Sure there are some lazy, self-involved assholes who use this as an excuse to stand idly by, ignore people in need, and let the world go to hell, but this does not deter me. Even politicians are here for a reason.

Sometimes I think that reason is so that I have somebody to despise, but that's okay too.

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懐かしい

Posted on Saturday, February 9th, 2013

Dave!Some days...

Dave Missing

Ever feel like there's something missing, but you don't know what it is?

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Bullet Sunday 316

Posted on Sunday, February 10th, 2013

Dave!You Northeasterners can put down that snow-shovel... because Bullet Sunday starts now...

   
• SNAKE! Happy Chinese New Year! This is the "Year of the Snake" or, to be more accurate, the "Year of the Water Snake." Water snakes are mostly poisonous and deadly, so I can tell already this is going to be a rough year...

Year of the Snake

   
• Nemo! Speaking of rough years... I've been watching the northeast winter storm coverage with more than a passing interest. All the snow they're getting on the other side of the country is snow we're not getting here in Washington State. Heck, I gave up wearing a coat two weeks ago because it's been so warm. And while I'm happy on the outside that the winter was mild and relatively short, it's worrisome that we could end up in a drought this summer. I guess the best we can hope for is that we at least get another couple snow dumps in the mountains over the next month before Spring is really here.

   
• Archer! One of my favorite television pastimes is Archer, which is a kind of an animated James Bond spoof gone terribly wrong. The result is almost always hilarious, and I find myself watching the episodes multiple times. If you're a fan like I am, there's a fascinating look at the real-life people who inspired the look of the characters on the show...

Archer is Archer

Totally worth checking out, which you can do by clicking here.

   
• Rejected! LEGO has finally released an awesome MiniFig of one of my favorite super-heroes after Batman, it's AQUAMAN...

LEGO Aquaman

And the minute I got my hands on him, I wanted a LEGO Aquaman keychain. And so I wrote to LEGO Customer Service to beg for one...

Dear David,
   
Thanks for getting in touch with us.
   
I’m sorry, but even though I think your Aquaman key chain would make a brilliant LEGO® set, we can't accept your suggestion. I know this might be disappointing to hear, but we have a team of experts in Denmark whose job it is to dream up new LEGO sets, themes and toys. They tell me it takes years to plan everything. They need to test all the new ideas, talk to the factory about how to make them, work out what sort of box is needed and then deliver the new sets to all the shops in 130 countries! This means that there's a good chance they could already be working on something similar to your idea.

Yeah, right. It takes years of planning to take a MiniFig they already have and shove a metal loop in his head that they already have to make a keychain. AND THE KEYCHAINS AREN'T SOLD IN BOXES... they don't have any packaging at all! Obviously a form letter reply, but whatever. Maybe I'll have to buy a few Aquamem and experiment with turning them into keychains myself.

   
• iCrap! Dear Apple. How long is it going to take before you fix all the busted shit in your iCloud syncing? I am so fucking sick and tired of not being able to sync my keychains... LIKE I COULD WITH MOBILE-ME BEFORE YOU REPLACED IT WITH THIS iCLOUD CRAP. And why do you make it so difficult for third party apps to sync their settings and shit? It's just sad that I have to keep a DropBox account to sync all the shit that your half-baked "solution" can't handle.

   
• iCrap! Dear Apple. Why in the hell do you force your iCloud customers to download videos before we can watch them? You stream to AppleTV, why won't you stream to my Mac or my iPhone or my iPad? Why? If you can't figure the shit out, why don't you talk to Netflix, Amazon, Hulu, Redbox, Vudu, CinemaNow, or any of the other dozens of services that are streaming all the time. Because this is fucking bullshit.

   
• iCrap! Dear Apple. Seriously, how fucking embarrassing and pathetic is it that you've had almost TWO YEARS now to get this iCloud crap sorted out, and you're still sitting on your asses? You're sitting on BILLIONS of dollars... FIX THIS SHIT!

   
And... time to pack...

   

DAVE 2013

Posted on Monday, February 11th, 2013

Dave!Back in 2005, I threw my tall hat into the ring to be considered for Supreme Pontiff of the Catholic Church. I don't know if you heard, but I was not elected, despite my astounding credentials.

Instead the The College of Cardinals elected Darth Benedict XVI, who went on to disgrace The Church and worked overtime to reverse much of the good will that Pope John Paul II worked so tirelessly to build with other faiths and the world.

Well, now that His Holiness has decided to resign, The College of Cardinals has a chance to rectify their poor judgement and make the choice they should have made all along...

Dave for Pope 2013

   
I hereby announce that once again I am putting forth my name for consideration to be elected Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of the Vatican City, and Servant of the Servants of God.

Partly because I think the PopeMobile would be a great way to pick up women... but mostly because I look great in really tall hats and a dress.

And I'm already infallible, so there's that.

So inform your priest... write to the bishop of your local diocese... contact your favorite cardinal... pray to The Almighty... and tell them all that DAVE IS MY POPE!

DAVE 2013!

   

Oakay

Posted on Tuesday, February 12th, 2013

Dave!So now what?

You've Arrived in Oakland!

   

   

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MCMLXVI

Posted on Wednesday, February 13th, 2013

Dave!Back in June when I got my first tattoo, it was the culmination of 26 years of planning. I kept delaying, thinking that maybe I'd change my mind... or decide I want something different... or otherwise regret my decision. But the ink I wanted never changed, so I finally found the perfect tattoo artist and decided to just go for it.

Turns out my only regret was that I didn't do it sooner.

I loved my new ink, and was content that I'd finally gotten the tattoo bug out of my system.

I was wrong, of course, and knew almost immediately there was no way I was going to wait another 26 years to get another. I did decide I'd wait at least a year so I could come to fully appreciate my first tattoo though. It seemed only fair.

I managed to make it eight months...

Tattoo One

Tattoo Two

My original plan was to do something fairly elaborate and interesting on my opposite upper-arm. But five months of working on ideas didn't produce anything that grabbed me.

So instead I decided to go with a tattoo band around my forearm that I could complete in stages.

A lot of ideas went through my head for the first piece, but ultimately I decided on my birthday. In Buddhism, your birth is a highly important day for a number of reasons. Mostly because it's a celebration of the day that you were given the ultimate gift... the gift of life... but it also symbolizes other high concepts like suffering (by your mother during your birth) and sacrifice (by your parents to care for you)... along with love, light, hope, and dozens of other aspects of the human condition. And since my birth-year looks very cool in Roman numerals, that was what I decided on.

And now every time I see my new tattoo, I'll be reminded of everything my birthday represents, and that the best way to honor all that is to live my life to its fullest.

I love it, of course.

One piece down, five more to go...

Forearm Band Map

   
UPDATE AUGUST, 2013: Part two has been added.

   

Excursion

Posted on Thursday, February 14th, 2013

Dave!I had a free couple of hours to head into San Francisco for cookies.

It was incredible out. Beautiful blue skies and sun. And I saw sea lions. And made a trip to the Museum of Modern Art. And ate at Johnny Rockets for lunch. And I got cookies.

San Francisco Boats

Sea Lions

Chinatown

Golden Gate Cookies

SFMOMA

Murakami Painting

Flower Bearer Painting

Big Lady Painting

Now it's back across the bay for me.

Oh... And Happy Valentine's Day, everybody!

Tattoo Valentine

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Typical

Posted on Friday, February 15th, 2013

Dave!Just a typical day, really.

Went to the Jelly Belly factory.

Partied with rockstars until 2:00am.

   

Jelly Belly Man Sits

Jelly Belly Man Flies

Jelly Bean Bear Portrait

Rock Star Party

Rockstar Dance

   

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Boulevard

Posted on Saturday, February 16th, 2013

Dave!Sat around with Kitty One.

Went to see West Grand Boulevard in concert.

Ate Cambodian food.

   

Kitty One Snuggle

West Grand Blvd

Aaron Slurpee
The secret to Aaron's sexy-smooth vocal stylings? Cherry Coke Slurpee!

West Grand Blvd. Night

   

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Bullet Sunday 317

Posted on Sunday, February 17th, 2013

Dave!Don't worry about five awesome days of crazy keeping me down... because Bullet Sunday starts now...

   
• Grohl! After seeing former Nirvana drummer and current Foo Fighter front-man Dave Grohl interviewed on The Colbert Report, I was compelled to check out his new documentary film, Sound City...

Sound City Poster

It's brilliant. A total love letter to old-school music production by some big names in the business... including Paul McCartney, Trent Reznor, Lindsey Buckingham, Mick Fleetwood, Stevie Nicks, Tom Petty, Lars Ulrich, and more. If you love music, this is a documentary that's well worth checking out.

   
• Cruise! The media has been in a frenzy over the horrors that plagued Carnival's cruise ship Triumph. And the stories were pretty nasty. I mean, once you're pooping in a bag and standing in line for four hours to get a ketchup sandwich, you're pretty much having the worst vacation ever...

Carnival Triumph
Photo by Scott L./Wikimedia

Now, I've never been on a cruise where I had to poop in a plastic bag and eat ketchup sandwiches... the cruises I've been on have been perfectly lovely. So when I hear the public outcry from people vowing to NEVER EVER GO ON A CRUISE because of this misfortunate incident... well, it sounds like a pretty big overreaction. For every cruise disaster blown up by the media, there are thousands upon thousands of cruises that go off without a hitch. Including all six I've been on. And while it's not my most favorite way to vacation, I will absolutely go on more cruises in the future. The advantages of travel via cruising are just too numerous to ignore. But, of course, the media won't be covering that.

   
• Jelly! I'd much rather post my own stuff than repost things from others, but I just can't help myself this time around. This cartoon from Cyanide and Happiness is one of the funniest things I've ever seen...

Jellyfish Love

Seriously. I can't look at this without busting up.

   
• The Bay! I have no idea how many times I've been to San Francisco, but it's a lot. I love the city. But more than that, I love the fact that I've been to the city so many times that I don't have to play tourist. I can actually spend my time enjoying it without having to rush from attraction to attraction... I've pretty much done them all.

San Francisco by Air

About the only thing I have to do is buy fortune cookies from The Golden Gate Fortune Cookie Company. Five bags of those will keep me happy for a month or so.

   
• Water! As I had mentioned last Bullet Sunday, I have a real worry about the lack of snow this year bringing drought come Summer. After flying over the mountains the other day, I think my fears are justified...

Empty Mountains

It's the middle of February. Now take a look at a photo I took of the same area back in APRIL of 2011...

Snowy Mountains

By April of this year, I fear we'll have nothing left in the mountains. Hope we get plenty of rain.

   
And, on that somber note, I guess it's time to catch up on some sleep.

   

Cuisine

Posted on Monday, February 18th, 2013

Dave!I've been back from Oakland for one day.

And while I already miss my friends (and civilization), what I am missing right now... and quite badly... is food. Here in my little corner of Redneckistan, my culinary options are severely limited.

Just days ago I was eating an amazing falafel wrap...

Falafel Wrap

As for today? It's a box of shitty dehydrated julienne potatoes in "cheese" sauce...

Julienne Potatoes Box

So gross. And exactly the kind of thing that makes you lose your will to live.

Reeeeeaaaly looking forward to me next trip.

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Blind

Posted on Tuesday, February 19th, 2013

Dave!After a random look at my blog stats, I saw traffic coming from a website I'd never heard of before. So I clicked through to see what was going on and found this...

NOM lifts pro-gay blogger's personal travel photo

I'm already I'm filled with dread, and I haven't even read the story yet.

And, sure enough, it was my photo they were talking about. The "National Organization for Marriage," which I can only describe as the preeminent anti-marriage-equality hate-group, is using a photo I took as a part of their anti-gay propaganda campaign...
   

NOM Hate Propeganda

   
Having something you created being used to peddle bigotry and discrimination is not an easy thing to accept. Especially when it contributes to creating an environment so hostile that LGBT youth are killing themselves rather than having to endure it.

Groups like NOM go against absolutely everything I believe in. But having them drag me into their persecution of the LGBT community is only half the problem. The other is my belief in a free and open internet. Which is why my Creative Commons License (appearing on every page of this site) allows non-commercial usage of the stuff I share here. Granted, NOM violated this license by failing to attribute the photo to it's source in a way that shows I don't endorse their bullshit... but otherwise? Their non-profit status (which is another topic entirely) means that their use of my photo is most likely permissible.

And it's this dilemma that has me frustrated to to tears. How do I reconcile my belief in sharing information on a free internet with my desire to keep my works from being used to hurt people by hateful bigots like NOM??

I thought I might find help in the "moral rights" clause of the license...

"In addition to the right of licensors to request removal of their name from the work when used in a derivative or collective they don't like, copyright laws in most jurisdictions around the world (with the notable exception of the US except in very limited circumstances) grant creators "moral rights" which may provide some redress if a derivative work represents a "derogatory treatment" of the licensor's work."

Except they make it clear that the USA is a "notable exception," which means this is practically worthless.

So what to do? Two things I feel very strongly about seem to cancel each other out. Have an open license, and your works can be repurposed to hurt people. Have a restrictive license, and you're inhibiting the creativity of others to build and share on your work.

I don't know what the solution is. Maybe you can't have it both ways.

All I do know is that I don't support NOM's ruthless persecution of a group of people under the pretense of "protecting marriage." And, make no mistake, it is persecution. They don't like gay people, so they fight to keep them from having the same freedoms as everybody else. And if spreading misinformation and outright lies is what it takes, they'll do that. If allying themselves with individuals or organizations which advocate violence against homosexuals will forward their cause, they'll do that too. Whatever it takes to keep homophobia and fear alive so they can maintain this absurd illusion that marriage is somehow "endangered" by a mythical "gay agenda" that's out to destroy society.

This situation shouldn't be upsetting me as much as it is. It's the internet, after all.

But gay kids are being bullied. Gay kids are killing themselves. And it's groups like NOM that are creating a society which encourages these horrible things to happen.

And being party to that... even unwillingly... is more than I can take.

   

Restless

Posted on Wednesday, February 20th, 2013

Dave!It's been a sucktastic week so far.

I really wish I could go into a com fora the rest of it, but I'll consider myself lucky if I can just get a couple of hours sleep tonight.

Lil' Dave Restless

   
And now in a totally unrelated topic... remember when Wheel of Fortune had a "Shopping Showcase" where the winner of a round could take their money and shop for absurd prizes?

Whatever happened to that? Without the Showcase thing, Wheel of Fortune is kinda boring.

   

Slow

Posted on Thursday, February 21st, 2013

Dave!Back when I was in San Francisco, I went into a Walgreen's so I could pick up a new pair of reading glasses. Now that I'm in toric contact lenses, I apparently need them to see my iPhone easily.

As I walked in the door, I heard a woman say "CAN YOU HELP ME? CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME?" I turned around to see an elderly woman clutching a store shelf, looking like she might fall over. "What can I do to help?" I ask. "I NEED TO GET A PRESCRIPTION FROM THE BACK AND I CAN'T WALK ON THAT SLICK FLOOR OR I'LL FALL!" she said, pointing to the tile that started three feet in front of her. "Okay then, take my hand and I'll get you there." I say.

And so I led the old woman back to the prescription department... s-l-o-w-l-y.

As we walked in slow-motion, she went on to tell me how she had been standing there for quite a while, asking everybody who walked by (including employees) for help. Nobody did. I was the first person to even look at her. "Maybe they were in a rush? I'm not in any hurry, so I don't mind," I offered, trying to sound optimistic.

Not that I believed it for a minute.

The truth is that nobody wanted to be bothered to help her.

As depressing as it is to see all the horrific crap going on in the news... as disheartening as it is to hear about all the violence and persecution and terror that permeates our lives... why is this the thing that gets stuck in my head? Seriously, It's been bothering me all week.

There are so many big problems in the world that we can do nothing about... that make us feel powerless.

You'd think we'd seize every opportunity we can to fix the problems we can do something about.

But we don't.

I don't.

Except this time I did. Maybe it's the thought of all the times I didn't that haunts me.

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Oscars

Posted on Friday, February 22nd, 2013

Dave! The Oscars are on Sunday. Here are my picks.

BEST PICTURE: My pick is Django Unchained, which I enjoyed more than all the other films combined (excluding Beasts of the Southern Wild and Les Misérables, neither of which I wanted to see). It won't win, of course, but it completely deserves to (like Inglourious Basterds before it).

BEST ANIMATED PICTURE: Heaven only knows that I wanted Pixar's Brave to blow me away... but, while it was jaw-dropping beautiful to look at, the story just didn't measure up. ParaNorman, Wreck-It Ralph, and The Pirates! Band of Misfits were all good films, but it's Frankenweenie that was my favorite.

BEST SHORT FILM: John Kahrs' Paperman is haunting and beautiful and has Disney magic all over it. The other nominations are great, sure, but Paperman is genius.

BEST DIRECTOR: Ang Lee's absolutely masterful handling of Life of Pi makes him my clear favorite. But who doesn't think Spielberg will take it for Lincoln? But the bigger question... how in the heck did Quentin Tarantino get overlooked for Django Unchained?

BEST ACTOR: While I thought Bradley Coooper gave a winning performance, it's pretty hard not to pick Daniel Day-Lewis for his amazing turn as Lincoln.

BEST ACTRESS: This was a toughie, but I give the nod to Jennifer Lawrence for Silver Linings Playbook. She just seemed more necessary to the success of her film.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Yeah, Tommy Lee Jones for Lincoln with Christoph Waltz a close second for Django Unchained.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Hated The Master so Amy Adams is out. Didn't think Sally Field disappeared into her role enough in Lincoln. Refused to watch Les Misérables for Anne Hathaway. Thought Helen Hunt was "okay" in The Sessions, but not remarkable. So I guess that leaves Jacki Weaver for Silver Linings Playbook... although Anne Hathaway is almost certain to take it.

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY: The easy choice would be Life of Pi, but I think too much of what made it cinematically amazing was the special effects. Django Unchained would be a solid choice, but I'm going to have to go with Roger Deakins for Skyfall. A big part of what made it such a good film was the stunning cinematography, and the film is definitely Oscar-worthy.

BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS: For all the reasons I think Life of Pi should not get "Best Cinematography," I think it probably deserves the Oscar for "Best Special Effects." That being said, the incredible visuals of The Battle for New York in The Avengers (not to mention the hundreds of other effects plus Hulk and Iron Man) make me wish a tie could happen here.

BEST ORIGINAL SONG: I'm not a fan of Adele's music, but have always liked her as a person in interviews and stuff. And yet... Skyfall was about as good a theme as James Bond movies get, and Adele blew the doors off it.

BEST WRITING, ORIGINAL: I have gone round and round on this, trying to decide between Django Unchained and Moonrise Kingdom, and can't decide. I would be equally thrilled if either won, though Zero Dark Thirty probably has the edge.

BEST WRITING, ADAPTED: Just about everyone (including me) thought that Life of Pi was unfilmable... and yet, here it is. It would be hard not to reward that ingenuity.

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To-Do

Posted on Saturday, February 23rd, 2013

Dave!I got almost nothing done today. But it wasn't for lack of trying.

I actually started working when I woke up at 4:00. But since I didn't get to bed until 2:00, I was asleep again at 7:00. At least I was until I was awakened at 7:30. After that, I tried working off and on all day, but could never quite get into it. About the only accomplishment I can lay claim to is backing up my photo library and geotagging a couple hundred photos (I swear by all that's holy I will NEVER buy another camera without GPS).

Other than that? Nuthin'.

Which is tough considering all the stuff I've got on my to-do list.

In other news, I've taken up cigarettes again...

Candy Cigarettes

Judge me all you want, but nothing calms my nerves like a nice candy cigarette.

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Bullet Sunday 318

Posted on Sunday, February 24th, 2013

Dave!Another boring February Sunday got you down? Don't despair... because and even MORE boring Bullet Sunday starts now...

   
• Oscars! Meh.

   
• Over! By this time next week, Tiwlight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part Two will have been released on DVD and Blu-Ray. And then it's over, right? I mean, it's the final shitty movie of the shitty Twilight movies based on the shitty Twilight books, isn't it? I won't have to be subjected to any more of this crap... right?

   
• Overer! And speaking of over... the three internet trends I am so over with this month are...

   
• Hook! I have to admit that I haven't seen a single episode of Once Upon a Time. I'm not into fables and fairy tales, so the show is not my cup of tea. But I keep seeing these television promos which feature a surprising element...

Captain Hook!

That's Colin O'Donoghue, who apparently plays Captain Hook. But I don't care about that. I mean, yeah, I guess he's a good-looking guy and all... and I'm sure he's a decent actor and everything... but I'm talking about something more important than any of that...

Captain Eye Liner

EYELINER! Or, as I like to call it, "Captain Jack Sparrow Guyliner"...

Captain Jack Sparrow

Apparently it's impossible to be a pirate now-a-days unless you've got eyeliner on. I approve completely. Mostly because I can totally rock the guyliner look...

Dave Liner

But also because I'm totally a pirate at heart. The day this goes mainstream, I am so there.

   
• Suck! I am one of those rare people who believes in paying for the stuff I want. If there's a game I want, I buy it. If there's a movie I want, I buy it. If there's a television series I want, I buy it. If there's a song I want, I buy it. Thanks to Apple's iTunes, most any media I want to own can be purchased quickly and easily, so I pay the price. Until now. I went to purchase the latest season of Archer only to find that FX Network has placed ads in each episode. That's right, I'M PAYING FOR ADS! Well fuck this shit. FX Network is out of the damn minds if they think that I am going to pay for advertising when there are alternatives for getting Archer ad-free.

   
And now... time to call it a night. Tomorrow promises to be a long, long day.

   

Liar

Posted on Monday, February 25th, 2013

Dave!I'm drinking chocolate milk and watching Castle reruns.

I swear it's true.

Lying or Wrong Speaking as it's known, is something to be roundly avoided according to Buddhist teachings. Outwardly, this is to promote harmony and good will, but that's not the only benefit. It all basically boils down to this: "If you can't speak truthfully and honestly, keep silent, because anything less only causes harm to others... and yourself."

Don't get me wrong, it's tough... really tough... to be honest all the time. But ultimately I find it makes my life easier, so I try my best to speak the truth whenever I can (I'm a terrible liar anyway). Sure I fail from time to time, but my effort is genuine, and this has paid off for me more often than not.

But Wrong Speaking encompasses more than just lying. It also refers to saying rude or hateful things. Or spreading gossip. Or speaking harshly. Or promoting violence. Or any of hundreds of other things that might hurt people... or reflect badly on you as a caring, open-minded, considerate individual.

Not lying is a piece of cake compared to all that.

And yet... I keep trying, because I think Right Speaking an admirable goal.

The problem is that keeping silent when you have nothing positive to add to a conversation can be easily misinterpreted. People might think you're not paying attention. Or disinterested. Or uncaring. Or mute. Or just plain rude. To compensate for this, I have been making an effort to find positive things to say in a negative conversation.

So now people just think I'm crazy.

I'm not sure if this is better or worse than people thinking me inattentive, disinterested, uncaring, mute, or rude.

But, hey, that Jay Leno sure is a breath of fresh air, amirite?

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Blurry

Posted on Tuesday, February 26th, 2013

Dave!When getting out of the shower each morning, I delay putting on my glasses for a while.

Partly because they start fogging up if I wear them right away... but mostly because I like living in a blurry world for a little while each day. There's something beautiful about an environment which lacks definition and detail... and where color and light battle it out for your attention without distraction...

Blurry Scenery

Blurry Scenery

Blurry Scenery

Blurry Scenery

But then you try to put your underpants on your feet because you can't see they're not your socks, and you think that maybe it's a good idea to put your glasses on again.

It was fun while it lasted.

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Sidewalks

Posted on Wednesday, February 27th, 2013

Dave!The sadistic idiot who designed the new sidewalks in town has randomly placed dips and curb-stops where they have no business being. This makes walking down the street a perilous ordeal and a real challenge, even if you're being careful. I know this because I tripped over a cement block jutting out into the sidewalk which sent me crashing to the ground on Monday.

So now I have a skinned knee, a scraped elbow, tore-up hands, and aches that run down my entire body. I think I must have pulled a muscle somewhere and that's thrown everything out of whack. Today it's gotten worse, and just getting up and walking is fairly painful.

Which has me thinking back to when I was a kid. I used to take falls much worse than this and bounce back in minutes. Now it's two days and counting. I have to wonder if twenty years from now such a fall will result in a broken hip.

Something to look forward to, I suppose.

In the meanwhile I guess I just have to be more careful and not risk my life by walking on a sidewalk or other similar dangerous activities.

And load up on pain relief medication.

I'd blog more about how getting old sucks, but it's almost midnight and apparently I need my rest.

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Cardinal?

Posted on Thursday, February 28th, 2013

Dave!CGP Grey, whose fantastic videos I have posted here a number of times, made a new video just for me last week:

HOW TO BECOME POPE!

And now that Il Papa has left the building, and the position is officially available, I thought it important that I take a look...

Wow.

Okay, I'm pretty sure I can create a bishop vacancy... accidents happen all the time. Then I'm confident it's just a matter of a lot of money greasing the right palms to slide into a bishopship. No problem there, as Kickstarter was made for this kind of thing.

But becoming a cardinal?

The current Pope has to appoint me to cardinalship.

And he just retired, so that's a problem.

Maybe if I can just go all Mission: Impossible and eliminate a cardinal so I can impersonate him with a face-mask and get the rest of the cardinals to elect me Pope? I do look good in red...

Dave Cardinal

After impersonating a cardinal with a good chance at Pope, then getting the other cardinals to vote me Pope, I can then take the name Pope Dave Two the First. THEN I can go pray in private at the Sistine Chapel, remove my disguise, and emerge with my own face. Then I'll just convince everybody that God came down and re-made me in his image. Which should be simple thanks to my God-like visage.

Easy. LET'S MAKE THIS HAPPEN, PEOPLE!

But first, it's time to watch more CPG Grey videos. What a time-suck his YouTube Channel is...

Okay, now let's get to work...

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