I've been seeing a crazy number of YouTube videos about "Disney Adults." Most always in negative terms... IT'S A CULT! and DISNEY ADULTS ARE STEALING THE DISNEY PARKS FROM CHILDREN! and THESE PEOPLE VOTE! or whatever. To support their thesis, content creators are forever churning out these "in-depth analysis" videos which tries to apply psychology and scientific concepts to the idea that adult fans of Disney are delusional cultish freaks who need to be put down for the good of society. Rude!

I don't mind being called a "Disney Adult." There's nothing wrong with being an adult Disney fan. There's fun Disney things to be had as an adult (and some things definitely not to be had).

What I do mind is being accused of being in a "cult." Something that recently happened in the comments on my cruise post. Which I didn't read until Christmas Day. So Merry fucking Christmas to me.

I'm a massive geek for architecture and design of public spaces. Theme parks are a great expression of both, and I had dreams of becoming a Disney "Imagineer" for ages because of it. Studying how the attractions are made is actually more interesting to me than the attractions themselves. This lead to me having a consulting job piggybacked on Disney in Orlando for several years, and I ended up with friends there. Which is why I end up at Disney World so often, and spend time at their parks, resorts, ships, and whatever. At first it was a place to meet up with friends after work. Then, once my work there ended, it was to hang out with friends I met there. — If I had worked with Betty Crocker, I'd have been in Minnesota all the time and posting about the cakes I was eating while working or hanging out with my friends. But it wasn't Betty Crocker, it was Disney... so I'm in a cult?

I'm a graphic designer who's a huge fan of art, in general, and animation, specifically (there was a time I wanted to be an animator before it all went computer graphics). So, naturally, I watch all the Disney animated movies. But I also watch a ton of other animated stuff. Disney is such a small piece of what I'm interested in... but it's an important one (the news that Disney is toying with the idea of returning to hand-draw animated features definitely has me excited). And because of that... I'm in a cult?

As a fan of art, I have a lot of it hanging in my home. A chunk of it is Disney-related because that's where I've been so many times. I was there for work. I was there for the charity I worked with. I was there to meet up with the friends I made who live in the area. I was there three to five times a year for 17 years. I was given Disney art as gifts. I eventually ended up collecting prints by Disney-related artists like Dave Perillo and Jerrod Maruyama to remind me of my trips. But I also collect non-Disney prints by artists like Chris Ware and original comic book art by artists like Amanda Conner and Curt Swan which also hang in my home. I've also got art I bought from my travels around the world, but because Oswald the Lucky Rabbit is on my wall... I'm in a cult?

Because Disney is such a huge part of my childhood (and the years of work I had), I have a lot of Disney memorabilia displayed in my home. But I also have numerous other pieces of memorabilia from my life which has nothing to do with Disney that's on display. Concert programs, signed records, old tin signs, movie posters... not to mention hundreds of photos of my family friends from over the years. But because I framed the Disneyland map I got as a kid... I'm in a cult?

Alrighty then. Pass me the Kool-Aid, I guess...

The above is most of the souvenirs I have from my very first visit to Disneyland when I was ten years old. I kept it all these decades because my parents bought it for me and I couldn't throw it out. Some of what I had was in pretty rough shape, so I managed to find replacements on eBay in better condition...

You can click the photo to embiggen it... or click on this link right here.

The map, for example, hung in my bedroom for my entire childhood, getting faded and having the corners ripped out from the thumbtacks. It took me years to find a replacement. There's loads and loads of old Disneyland maps out there, but I wanted the one with Mickey, Goofy, and Donald dressed in 1776 fife & drum Americana, because that's what I had as a kid. Eventually eBay listed one from an estate sale and, once I bought it, I decided to get everything framed up. It's fun to look at as I walk into my home and remember back to that visit with my family. And it's interesting too. Because boy Disneyland sure was a very different place back then.

Still don't understand how any of this puts me into a cult.

Maybe I should watch more clickbait videos to find out for sure...

That last video is particularly hilarious, because her fucking SurfShark advertisement is more cringe than anything she's presenting as "cringe" in her "takedown"...

But anyway...

Do I think Disney Adults exist which are problematic? Oh hell yes. I run across them every time I'm anywhere Disney-related. Usually they are "social media influencers" and that's what makes them problematic. It's not that they love Disney, it's that they intrude on other people who are just there to have fun. They hold up lines and block traffic to get a selfie or shoot a video. They take over spaces and experience just to get likes at the expense of other people who are trying to enjoy themselves. People who likely spent a considerable amount of money to be there. It's annoying as hell, and dunking on these assholes is justifiable.

And, sure, there actually are people who build their lives around all things Disney and their entire existence revolves around their next trip to Disney World (or Disney-wherever). And good for them. People should be allowed to follow their bliss, be happy, and escape from the horrors of the world doing whatever is going to make life bearable. You do you. It doesn't affect anybody else. Spend the money you have and the time you have however you want.

Because, I gotta say, there are people building their lives around far worse things than Mickey Mouse.

Like spending their time trashing people who are enjoying their best life at zero cost to others as an "influencer.".

Last night after work I went out to eat because it had been a very long day, I was too tired to cook, and I wanted breakfast. And it was wonderful. Perfectly cooked. Perfectly seasoned. I couldn't have made it better myself. It was so good that I was able to overlook the cost, which was expensive. But no more expensive than anything else out there now-a-days, which means it was actually a fair price.

Tonight when it was time to go home after another very long day, I was seriously wanting to go out for breakfast again, but didn't want it to get weird, and furthermore didn't have the money to be spending two nights in a row.

Instead I went home and had cereal with toast. Followed by apple sauce and crackers. Followed by freeze-dried strawberries and more crackers.

And I ate all that in the cold.

Can somebody please explain Apple's thinking when Siri's response to "Hey Siri, make it warmer" inevitably ends up being "It's 70° in here and could take a while to warm up. Are you sure you want to make it warmer?"

When I'm cold and want it warmer, what the fuck difference is telling me a number going to make? Is their thinking that I'm going to hear a number and think "Oh. I guess I'm not cold after all! Never mind, Siri!"... because what kind of stupid shit is that?

Likewise, what good does telling me that it could take a while to heat up going to do? Do they honestly believe that I'm going to hear that and say "Oh, if it's going to take a while, just forget it then!"... because that's even more stupid.

JUST MAKE IT FUCKING WARMER LIKE I ASKED! DON'T WASTE MY TIME WITH THIS NONSENSE THAT'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE MY BEING COLD!

This kind of idiotic shit drives me insane. But when it comes to Siri, about all you get is idiotic shit. Siri is 14 years old but, due to how smart everything else is getting smarter while it stays the same, Siri seems to be getting more and more stupid. We were supposed to get an update well over a year ago, but it still hasn't shown up.

What has shown up is a headache, so I guess I'll grab an aspirin and call it an early night.

Assuming my cats don't wake me up because they're cold.

I've given myself permission to just not give a fuck any more.

Want to eat ice cream for breakfast every morning? Go for it. Want to have burgers after work every day? Go for it. Don't feel like cleaning the house for a month? Forget about it. Want to spend the extra money to get the name brand cereal instead of the cheaper store brand version? Whatever. I am just not giving a fuck about what I should be doing because the world is on fire and it just doesn't matter any more.

But it gets better.

I am not engaging with the dumbass boot-licking pieces of shit supporting this country sliding into a toxic shithole fascist state. If what they can easily see with their own eyes isn't enough to convince them to question what they're being told to believe... why waste my time and energy? It's not going to make a lick of difference. You can't compete with willful ignorance.

So I'm just... not... any more.

And I just don't give a fuck. Nor do I give a fuck what other people think about it.

I used to pride myself on keeping up with current events around the world. But lately I just don't have the mental fortitude to see what new horrific shit is going on. It seems to get worse by the day, and the added anxiety would probably push me over the edge.

I slept horribly last night. Tossed and turned and didn't fall asleep until well after midnight. Jenny woke me up a little after 6:00am, and I ended up petting her until it was her breakfast time at 7:00am. After that I went back to bed so I could read some documentation for work and... somehow dropped off to sleep again, and didn't wake up until nearly 10:00am?? That's something that just doesn't happen to me. When I wake up, that's it. I'm awake for the duration. But not this morning...

Nearly eight hours sleep? That's very rare. Any more I feel lucky if I can get five or six!

Then I somehow ended up falling down a rabbit hole of shelter dog adoption videos. Like this one...

And this one...

And this one...

And then I listened to Martin Luther King Jr. speak, amazed as always how his words are more relevant than ever, then got back to work while listening to a podcast called Why this song? which talks to the artists behind popular songs. It started with Hold Me Now by the Thompson Twins, which is one of my favorite tracks of all time. Good stuff.

I've been burning the candle at both ends for months, and it's starting to catch up to me. In one of life's cruel ironies, I get so tired lately that I can't sleep. I start yawning and yawning, so I go to bed... then am wide awake.

And so I run through my social media pages looking for something to distract my mind from all the things that are running through my head that I should be focusing on that's keeping me from falling asleep.

And that's when I reached this...

I laughed out loud, which was a real bummer for my cats who were sleeping next to me.

Jake was a little upset, but quickly fell back asleep.

Jenny, on the other hand, glared at me for far longer than was comfortable, then left in a huff.

Until 4:20am, at which point she got her revenge.

For the last couple of days I have been having allergy problems. Which is bizarre to me because I never have noticeable allergies in January. They always hit me in March and April when new plants arrive... then again in September and October when everything is dying. Summer and Winter are blissfully allergy-free.

But then I went to put the garbage cans back and walked around my yard.

Only to find that there are flowers which never died. And greens are popping up everywhere...

This could be very, very bad for us.

We haven't had snow this year. Any sprinkling we get disappears in short order. The hillsides are bare. The mountains aren't covered nearly enough. This is looking like drought for us this Summer, which means high water prices, rationing, dead lawns, and other problems I don't even want to think about.

Meanwhile... a winter storm of scary proportions is about to hit everywhere from New York to Texas.

Climate change is not cool, yo. Not cool at all.

Is it just me, or has hope for the future dropped to an all-time low?

It's not just one thing, it's everything. Everywhere you turn, there's bad news. I was going to recap with some examples, but I don't want to depress everybody even more than they probably are. Starting with myself.

I thought I would make myself feel better with some retail therapy, but the thought of buying something I don't need and can't afford... then having to pay the credit card bill... doesn't make me think that it would make me feel any better.

So instead I watched last night's episode of The Traitors (US version) and ate a bag of Bugles corn snacks for dinner.

Probably should have bought a fifth of Jack Daniels.

I did not get much sleep last night.

Which is nothing new to me, because my chronic insomnia makes this just another normal day. I fell asleep around 11:30, woke up at 2:10am. Unable to fall back asleep, I grabbed my phone to doom-scroll social media. At which point Jenny came running in and jumped on my bed so she could get pets.

Since all the social media sites know that I live in Washington State, they naturally assume that I'm hyped because the Seattle Seahawks made it to the Superb Owl to play the Patriots. Which is not the least bit true. Football isn't my game, and I'm more excited to see the ads and what Bad Bunny's half-time show is like than watching the game. The Puppy Bowl and the Kitten Bowl are more important to me.

Now, if a miracle ocurred and The Kraken somehow made it to the Stanley Cup? Count me in for that.

But anyway... back to Seahawk mania.

Some of the stuff coming out of Seattle's good fortune is worth watching. My favorite so far is this one, which made me laugh all four times I watched it...

Interestingly enough, the Seahawks are actually favored to win the big prize! Something they've only done once before in 2014 (though this is the fourth time Seattle has been to the been to the big game, and back in 2015 they lost to the Patriots by 4 points).

I am happy that once the Superb Owl is over we can turn our attention back to hockey where it belongs.

Today I had to run to the Big City to get a haircut. Which is always awful.

Well, not the haircut... the drive to get there.

Despite the fact that Washington State has anti-distracted-driving laws, people 100% do not follow the law. Whether it's texting at a stoplight or watching YouTube videos while driving, people are insane. The average weight of a car in the USA is over 4,000 pounds. Not giving your entire attention to a machine which could easily kill somebody is beyond insane.

But pedestrians make me crazy too.

I was waiting at a crosswalk for somebody to cross the road.

They started across, but then stopped and stared at their phone in front of me.

Now, I have no idea what was going on and like to give people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to them existing. Maybe they got some terrible news and it shocked them so badly that they forgot they were in the middle of the street. Maybe they have a neurological condition where they can't concentrate on more than one thing at a time. Or maybe they just like torturing drivers by seeing how long it takes them to honk their horn or something. Anything's possible. And since I wasn't in any hurry I just sat there waiting for them to do something. Do anything...

Finally, the car behind me honked.

At which point the person continued crossing without even looking up from their phone.

Sooo... who knows? Maybe they were just a self-absorbed asshole who doesn't give a shit that there's people on the road trying to get somewhere. Maybe somewhere to save their life, like a hospital.

Or maybe they just need to get to their life-saving haircut appointment.

There's just no telling.

My cats have zero fucks left to give.

They've been sliding to this point for years, but it was so gradual that I didn't notice. Now it feels like it actually happened over months. Weeks even.

They want what they want and they want it now. And when it comes to what you want... like sleep? Oh hell no. You don't dare deny them what they want!

And while they do have sweet moments with each other like this...

Jake is a mean bear of a brother. If Jenny is sitting somewhere, he'll decide that he wants to sit there, then antagonize her to leave. Not long ago Jenny was laying at the foot of my bed and Jake decided that this is where he wanted to be, so he just goes over and sits on her. Jenny erupts in a flurry off hisses that seem to genuinely confuse Jake, then she smacks him and runs away because he won't leave.

Jake, for his part, then lays down and goes to sleep as if nothing happened.

But don't feel bad for Jenny.

Because she is happy to treat me exactly the same way.

It's me. I'm the one you should feel sorry for.

Books have been written about Gen X and our mentality when it comes to dealing with the world around us. I think way too much is put on the fact that we were incredibly independent due to being latchkey kids (meaning we came home from school to an empty house because our parents were both at work) and not enough put on how we were incredibly independent because we had disconnected lives. There were no mobile phones everywhere to keep us attached.

I remember very well how I could "go out to play" when I got home from school and just... disappear. I could walk downtown or to the park so long as I was back in the neighborhood before dinner. I could hang out with friends at their houses. I could run wild on the hill behind my house (and the rest of the block). When it was dinner time dad would whistle and, if I didn't hear it, the message would be passed on to me by other kids or (more likely) their parents. After dinner I could go back outside until the streetlights turned on. Then it was homework and television time until it was time for bed.

Being disconnected was a very powerful thing as a kid (and as adults, before mobile phones fucked things up).

I was thinking about that today when I saw a kid walking home from school talking on his mobile phone. Not a teenager, but a fairly young kid.

He was never out of touch... unless his battery died.

No matter where he wanders, he's never more than a phone call away from his parents. Or even his friends, assuming they had access to a phone with which to call him.

It just seemed so... odd... to me.

When I was a kid, you made plans with your friends for after school face-to-ace while you still could. Otherwise, you might not be able to find them. You wrote notes. You left word with others. You called and left messages somewhere. It was a different world. But we adapted to it because it was all we knew.

In that respect, I'm glad that I grew up as a Gen X kid. It was the last generation of true freedom.

Not having something stupid or embarrassing I did go viral for the entire world to see is just icing on the cake.

I worked a very long day, but after arriving home I couldn't help but feel as though it was Sunday and the end of my weekend. No idea why. Maybe it's because I traveled all day Sunday, and Monday was a holiday for me? Whatever the case, all my plans to clean house, unpack my suitcase, and wash clothes went out the window because I felt displaced and exhausted.

So I caught up on A Knight of The Seven Kingdoms instead.

I wish I remembered more about the book, but that was 25 years ago. From what little I do remember, the series is faithful to the source material. I don't remember the flashbacks in the fifth episode, but I appreciate that they tried to flesh out Ser Duncan as a character with a backstory which fit nicely into the battle.

With one episode left to go, I am hopeful that they don't fuck it up at the end. The awful taste of the final season of Game of Thrones is still in my mouth, so you can forgive me having doubts.

One thing I can't get over is just how impeccably cast the leads are. Peter Claffey as Dunk and Dexter Sol Ansell as Egg are just too good to be true...

With each episode they do not falter. The show could have so very easily collapsed under a shitty child lead, but dang is he good. Duncan the Tall is a character that could have gone badly wrong if the actor didn't have a subtlety that felt authentic, but Claffey feels like he's inhabiting the character in a way that works for the series every minute he's on-screen. A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms makes you appreciate brilliant casting at a level many shows can only hope to reach.

And, on that note, I guess I'll try to get some sleep.

Something which, understandably, hasn't been easy for me after my sojourn to Kansas City.

Last Friday I had a meeting for work in The Big City. I didn't finish in time to get back to the office before quitting time, so I decided to go to Petco for kitty litter and then Costco. I renewed my decade-long-expired membership to support them after they decided to say "Fuck your anti-DEI bullshit," but haven't actually shopped in a store. Instead I bought a few things via Mail Order.

I was surprised that now you scan your membership card to get in the store instead of showing it to a door guard. Though there's still a door guard because my membership didn't have a digital photo attached. They asked me if I wanted a physical card and I declined because I assumed I could add a digital card to my Apple Wallet. But you can't? You have to use the Costco app. Oh well.

Because it was a Friday at 3:30, Costco was incredibly busy. Way, way too busy for me to be comfortable.

Because the more people in a place, the bigger the possibility you're going to run into assholes.

And assholes I did find. Three incidents stand out...

1. The couple who KEPT. BLOCKING. THE. AISLES. I ran to another part of the store... twice... because of this asshole couple. And it didn't matter. I would run back into them again eventually. PULL YOUR FUCKING CART OVER TO THE SIDE AND DON'T BLOCK ENTRANCES/EXITS TO AISLES! It's fundamentally stupid that this even has to be explained. But people like this don't give a shit because they don't give a fuck about anybody but themselves. It was especially awful because it was so busy.
2. Racism. Because of course. I was standing in the cracker & chip aisle looking for crackers. Next to me was a couple talking to somebody in Spanish. They were bothering nobody. Oh... wait... racist pieces of shit are always bothered, and as a couple rounded the corner, they were compelled to say "I'm tired of hearing Mexican. They're everywhere." Because apparently "Mexican" is a language now? Well, I'd rather hear people speaking "Mexican" than hearing them speaking hatred on people who are just existing. So whatever.
3. I do not work here. A man diverted his shopping cart towards me and asked me a question. I replied that I didn't know. And he said "Oh. You don't work here?" which I found odd. Then, not ten minutes later, a different man rolled up to me and said "Do you work here?" When I responded in the negative, he barked "THEN WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A CART?!?" And I was thinking "Excuse me? You are required to have a cart to shop here?" And you know what I did? I went and got a frickin' cart to put my crackers in.

An asshole-unrelated problem is that Costco isn't laid out very well. When the checkout lines back up, they completely cut off the snack aisles at the front of the store. This is probably a good thing for me... I don't need to be eating loads of snacks... but it is disappointing. Who knows what tasty goodness I could have discovered.

So... yeah... thus ended my adventure in Costco.

I've been plagued by a looming sense of dread all week. No idea what that's all about... other than the usual news cycle... but Im really ready for it to be over. Maybe I need a distraction?

After Jury Duty changed everything about a reality television series, it's hard to believe that anybody would fall for it again, but here we go...

I am hopeful.

Jury Duty was phenomenal entertainment, and if Company Retreat is even half as good, I'll be thrilled to tune in for it.

And, to be honest, being "thrilled" to be doing anything now-a-days is a nice change.

I am used to multi-tasking. I do it all day long, and it doesn't matter if I'm at work or home. As I'm typing this, I have another window monitoring a data import for work, I have a video playing on my television called Betelgeuse Is "Eating" Another Star…and its Concerning, I've got a second video playing in the corner of my laptop where William Osman is responding to "Uncle Roger cyber bullied me", all while being careful that I don't smack into Jake who is sleeping against me. As if all that wasn't enough, I'm off-and-on answering a work email while thinking through some problems I'll have to resolve when I get back to the office.

I think nothing strange about doing a shitload of things at the same time. It's just how I am.

At least I didn't think it strange until the astronomy video Just. Got. Interesting, and I had to set aside everything else so I can focus on how the companion star is revving up Betelgeuse. Then it seems very strange that I am trying to do so much while something so interesting is being explained.

And... I'm back.

Though I just started the latest Kurzgesagt video, Let’s Travel to the Scariest Place in The Universe, so my attention to this blog entry may be fleeting.

But here's the thing about multi-tasking all the time... I find it almost impossible to wind down and do important things like... relax... and sleep. You would think that I would burn out and crash but it never happens. And that's getting to be a serious problem for me.

I am averaging just three to four hours of sleep a night.

The problem, however, is not that I am dragging ass all day and can't function... that's never been an issue (maybe because I traveled constantly for decades and jetlag wasn't an option). No, the problem is that I feel like I'm losing years of my life. Like I'm being burnt out day after day and it's only a matter of time before my brain implodes or my body gives out.

I'm not sure what to do about it.

Perhaps it's a problem which will resolve itself as I age. I simply won't be able to keep up with constant activity, so I'll slow down naturally.

Perhaps one day I'll discover that magical combination of meditation and exercise which fixes my ability to wind down.

Or perhaps I'll drop dead from pent-up exhaustion.

Whatever happens, I'm looking forward to finally getting a good night's sleep.

Annnnd... just like that, the snow from the weekend is gone.

It had a good run, but was already melting away on Monday, was mostly gone by Tuesday, started disappearing from the hillsides by Wednesday, and now you'd barely know it was here and the weather is so warm that I've been wearing T-shirts.

So while I was thinking we might get a few extra weeks grace from drought, now I'm wondering if it was enough snow to make a difference. I guess it all depends on what's going on in the mountains.

On the up-side, the good thing about having a dead lawn is that you don't have to mow it.

I had to go to the Big City on a work errand today. While I was waiting, I remembered that my driver's license will expire soon, so I went online to renew it. Except I couldn't renew it online. And that's when I noticed that now you can make appointments at the DMV. How handy is that? What was even more surprising? My appointment time actually meant something, and I was in-and-out pretty quick. Interestingly enough, I had the option for an eight year license! And, for good measure, I went ahead and got an "enhanced" license since I had my passport and a pile of mail with me, which allows me to use it at airport security and stuff.

My visit was a far cry from DMV visits in the past. No longer an exercise in torture filled with assholes. Everybody was actually nice.

While I was waiting for my appointment time, I was looking at Facebook and this popped up on my feed...

Kinda embarrassing to be laughing in the waiting room of the DMV.

For the past couple months, it feels as if time is passing me by. It's Monday and I brace myself for a busy week... then all of a sudden the weekend is here and I'm mentally and physically exhausted.

All the plans I have and all the things I need to do seem impossible. Anything beyond laying on the couch and watching television feels out of reach. Then I blink and it's Monday again.

Maybe this is normal as you age? The good news is that, at this rate, I'll perish soon, and finally be able to get some sleep!

And, on that note...

I had a ridiculous crush on Miss Tessmacher in Superman: The Movie back in the day. Valerie Perrine played her so flawlessly... a bit ditzy, but smart enough to have things figured out and know the score...

Rest in Peace.

Thanks to all of you who are flooding my social media with birthday wishes! Now that I'm officially old and slow, it will take a while to reply to all y'all... but I'll get there eventually, because the outpouring of kindness means the world to me!

But so does money. Money is great. Feel free to send money as well. In fact, if you would rather not spend your precious time sending a happy birthday message, you can just skip that part and send money. I promise I'll appreciate it just as much. If not more. Probably more.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER! Dave2, Jake, and Jenny.

I know it's an honest mistake, but that's not me in the video.

But that's an adequate representation of what it's like for me getting out of bed every day.

Guess what... it's allergy time!

I went outside to take photos for my landscaper and came back in with itchy eyes and a runny nose. And so... it's time for me to be miserable for a while as my body adjusts to this assault on my mind, body, and soul. Or so it feels. All I know for sure is that I want to move to Antarctica this time of year.

In other news, it's official. I can't buy any more spices thanks to The Spice House coming out with two must-have-blends that filled out my spice drawer.

Back of the Yards is an instant favorite. It's the perfect blend of salt, pepper, garlic, sugar, shallots, peppers, and parsley, which tastes phenomenal on my Beyond Burgers! So crazy good.

Golden Herb Salt is one of the best vegetable toppers I've ever had... featuring salt, garlic, mustard, onion, MSG, pepper, parsley, rosemary, oregano, turmeric, and mace! I have all these spices already, but any attempt to make this blend on my own would never get a balance this good, so I'm content to leave it to the professionals.

To make room, I had to remove my Spice House Sea Salt & Tellicherry Pepper (fine, coarse, and peppercorns) and they're next to the stove now. And I had already moved my Dutch cocoa and put it with my coffee service.

We won't discuss how Spice House changed their labels, so now the non-matching designs sets my ADHD on edge. Not only that, they've drifted upwards... and one of them was crooked...

WHY? LORD, WHYYYY? It's like when they change the design of book covers half-way through a series and now nothing matches any more. How am I supposed to live this way?

Back in December of 2024 my faithful Toyota Corolla died. I had helped my mom purchase it in 2006, then took it over when she could no longer drive. Afterwards I donated my Saturn to the veterans, and the Corolla rolled on with not too many problems (except the brakes, which I had to replace in 2024). I am not a "car guy" so my plan was to drive the Corolla until it died, which I did.

My sister made it clear that I had to run out and get another car so I could make it over the mountains for Christmas. Not trusting myself to get a used car because I'd have no idea what to look for (I worried about inheriting somebody else's problems) I went to the Toyota dealership and asked for the cheapest car they had.

Which turned out to be another Toyota Corolla. It was so new they hadn't even gotten all the plastic wrapping removed.

After waiting for them to get it ready, I went for a test drive and ended up buying it. It was a car that could get me from Point A to Point B, and that's all I needed to know.

The car is fine. Nothing special. And since I have nothing else to blog about today, here's my thoughts.

• I like blue cars. All my cars have been medium-to-dark blue. But since I needed the car immediately, I got what I got. Which is grey. I didn't care. The issue is that this kind of grey is everywhere now because all the car manufacturers have been releasing new models with it. The tone is slightly different between manufacturers (mine has a nice purple-ish blue undertone), but this is the color of the moment. Which can make it a challenge to spot your car in the parking lot. I have walked up to totally different brands (and even other Corollas) from the beginning. I'm still doing that.
• Like all modern cars of this class, the construction isn't the greatest. I had random squeaks and creaks from the first week. It's disappointing, but unless you have $250K to spend, it's what there is.
• One of the features I was happiest to have was CarPlay. It's a screen that allows you to control stuff while using your iPhone as the "brain" of the car. The problem is that Toyota's system software is shitty, which means it doesn't always automatically connect to my phone. 75% of the time I have to press a button on the display to initiate it. And it pisses me the fuck off. Once I select CarPlay, I don't ever want to see the Toyota system ever again.
• Another feature I was thrilled to get was a wireless charger. Except the charger is shit. It doesn't work at all. It will start charging, but then fail-out in a minute. I have the most popular phone in the entire fucking world, and Toyota's charger won't work with it? And it's not just me... everybody complains about it. Why the fuck say that you have a wireless charger if it doesn't actually wirelessly charge anything? Toyota should be sued for lying and forced to fix it.
• One of the coolest features that comes with the car is remote access. You can remote-start the car, unlock the car, and the like. After a year it stopped working and you have to pay for it. And that's fine. I know that the cellular communication required isn't free. I don't mind at all. Except you can't just buy the remote access by itself. You have to pair it with Toyota's music service (when I already have iTunes and Google Music) or pair it with their mapping service (when I already have Apple Maps, Google Maps, Waze, etc.). It's so fucking stupid, and I won't do it. Just let me buy the part I want, assholes.
• The backup camera (which I think it required in American cars now?) is nice, but it would be equally useful to have a forward camera that you could engage when pulling up to something in tight quarters. I wonder why auto manufacturers don't get on that?
• I was going to buy an electric car because electrical power is relatively inexpensive where I live. But I balked at the idea of having to purchase a new battery when this one dies, seeing as how they're almost as expensive as the car itself. Since I don't drive a lot, I went with gas-powered, figuring it would be cheaper in the long run. But now regular unleaded gas is $5.49 a gallon where I live thanks to the president being a dumb fuck asshole who needed a war with Iran to distract from his being named in the Epstein Files. All over nuclear weapons he had already "decimated" with his last distraction. Now I wish I had spent the extra money to go electric.
• This Toyota is slightly wider than my old one. Over a year later and I'm still not used to it. I have to turn into parking spots later than I used to in order to be centered, and it messes with my head. This is a basic car, not a luxury vehicle. I'd prefer something more narrow, not more wide.
• My car is nearing 16 months old and I've never washed it. I just let the rain clean it. When it's not raining, it's a bit dirty but I just don't care.
• The car comes with blind spot indicators on the side-mirrors. It's a nice feature, but I remain paranoid that they will fail, so I still do too many head-checks.
• The car also has lane guidance and proximity detection. This means that if you drift out of your lane, your car will guide you back to the center. If you come up too close to the car ahead of you, your car will slow down. Both would be great if they worked consistently, but they really don't. So I leave them turned on and stay on high alert like I always have.
• I have yet to read the manual. Which is nothing special... I've never read the manual for any car I've ever owned. But in this case I should read the manual because the electronics are so much more complex. Many times needlessly so. I want to make the dashboard illumination brighter. No idea how to do it. Instead of a knob somewhere, I'm guessing there's some menu setting hidden in a maze of menu settings. Annoying.
• I found out that it's next to impossible to purchase the base model of any car. Manufacturers make a base model so they can say the car is cheap... but dealerships make less money on them and don't want to carry them. So you always have to buy "packages" with extra features you probably don't want or need. That was definitely the case with my car. I paid nearly $3,000 over the base price. If I wasn't desperate, I probably wouldn't have done it. I would have tried to order a base model.

Ultimately, one year and a few months on, I'm happy enough with my car. It was more expensive than I wanted to pay and had more features than I needed, but it's still basic and fairly inexpensive by today's standards.

And it works, which is all I truly care about anyway.

Thanks to our "No More Wars" president needing to distract from the Epstein Files, my trip to Seattle and back is going to cost a shit-load in fuel. I nearly crapped my pants when I went to fill up yesterday and found out that I was paying $5.49. God only knows how much it will be next week when whatever new presidential scandal escalates the need for an even bigger distraction.

For the past several days I've been cleaning something in my home so that I come back to a clean house instead of the Pit of Despair that I've been wallowing in for weeks. Usually I'm a much better housekeeper than this, but I've been consumed with work and there's no time to keep up with it all. I just don't have the energy. It's all I can do to cook meals.

Which is a shame, because there's a list of recipes from my stack of vegetarian cookbooks I've been dying to try.

But frying a Beyond Burger or tossing a frozen meal in the oven is my current limit, alas.

It feels like I'm being punked on a daily basis. And today was such a random series of unbelievable events that there was really no other way to feel about it.

Then I get home and look at the news articles in my feed and I'm certain I'm being punked.

Because, holy shit, if this isn't some elaborate hoax being perpetrated upon me, then what the fuck is going on?

In better news, I retreated to TikTok to find something to distract me and ran across some cool stuff. First is this pint-sized music producer who is more talented than you'd believe...

The play-break got me.

This is an interesting illusion that I've seen before. When I first saw it, I immediately saw squares... but then when I went to scroll, the circles appeared and I couldn't see anything else. Now I can see either when I pick something to focus on...

Whenever I see videos like this one from Mario I want a new cat for Jake and Jenny to play with. I worry about how this might disrupt their lives, but I think come June I will start looking into it...

For anybody wondering what Ilya was saying in that phone call to Shane in Heated Rivalry, here you go. My Russian is limited, but I was able to get the gist of everything. This did clear some things up for me...

And, lastly, hope you have a tissue ready...

Now back to the horrors of the day...

My chair broke at work first thing. Snapped into three pieces.

I fell and knocked my head on the wall, jammed my thumb, and hurt my wrist. Something also happened with my jaw, because my back teeth ache.

I couldn't wait to get home from work so I could lay down on the couch on a heating pad and doomscroll Instagram. And most of what I see? Dipshits. Stupid assholes who are happy spouting the most ignorant crap imaginable.

But there is an up-side.

A lot of times, there's people making fun of these idiots. Often to hilarious effect...

But there were also some videos not steeped in idiocy. Just animals eating stuff...

I could watch animals eating stuff all day long.

Idiots I can't tolerate for more than two minutes. Probably less.

Odds are, this entry isn't for you. It's being written for a friend who asked where I shop for groceries. But you're welcome to read if you want.

I have a "FreshPass" membership for free grocery delivery from Safeway. For a while there, they were the only delivery option for my small city because all the grocery chains are in nearby cities. Eventually Walmart and InstaCart started offering delivery, but I stuck with Safeway because a lot of what I liked could be purchased from there.

I mean, sure their shoppers are told to shop for your produce like they're you're worst enemy... and they must also be told to not worry about selecting products with an expiry date that hits in three days... but most of the time it's all acceptable enough that the convenience outweighs the bad points.

At least it did until the cost of groceries continued to explode thanks to tariffs... and now the price of fuel thanks to some dumbass starting a war in Iran. When a small bag of salad was $1.49 and I couldn't eat it all before it was sludgy, I could mentally get past it. But now that it's $2.29? And that's one of the cheap items! Having to try and finish a $6.50 loaf of bread when it's already on its way to being stale? No thanks.

So I started shopping for produce and items with low expiration dates locally. They cost more, initially, but the savings over not having to throw out stuff three days after I get it makes it cheaper in the long run.

A month ago I was in The Big City to pick up some things at Costco. Just down the street is Fred Meyer, so I thought I'd stop. I always find interesting vegan and vegetarian finds there. It was during that trip I discovered Beyond Stack Burgers, one of my most favorite foods I've ever had.

It was also where I picked up some frozen Tucson Tamales...

But I hadn't actually cooked one of them until earlier this week.

And they're incredible. Incredible!

Which is why on Saturday I made a pick-up order at Fred Meyer to get more burgers and tamales since the tamales were on sale for $3 each! Along with other things I needed, which made for a staggering grocery bill. $200 for something that feels like it would have cost around $120 just two years ago!

And so... now to shop for groceries, I have to go to five different stores...

• Safeway. PROS: While I have FreshPass membership, delivery is free. Special offers can be quite good on many items. Vegetarian offerings are reliable. CONS: Variety of vegetarian options is monotonous and rarely adventurous and new. Delivery produce is absolutely awful. Anything perishable will likely be close to expiration.
• Fred Meyer. PROS: A 25-minute drive to get there. Many times they have new and interesting vegan and vegetarian foods to explore... and the number of items in those categories is larger than Safeway. Their special offers are fantastic for single people. Instead of making you buy a large number of the same item to get a sale price, they give you a large pool of many wildly different items and let you save money on each of them. CONS: No delivery in my area. Their bagged salads are always in poor condition.
• Costco. PROS: Crazy-good prices on popular items. A wonderful company I'm happy to support. CONS: A 25-minute drive to get there. Having to buy in such large quantities is tough for single people, so I can only really buy non-perishables. Rarely enough checkouts open.
• Walmart. PROS: Sometimes I see stuff on sale here for such a low price that it's unmatched anywhere else. They have some unique products I love (Jack's Pizza Sticks are delicious). A more reasonable 15-minute drive from my home. CONS: Never enough checkouts open. The foods I buy most often are not available here... or if they are available, they're not always from a brand I care for.
• Local IGA. PROS: Six minutes from my house, so it's easy to pick up produce and perishables that aren't bottom-of-the-barrel. They sometimes have surprisingly unexpected vegetarian options... like these phenomenal Deep Indian Kitchen Kati Street Wraps that I haven't seen anywhere else. CONS: Expensive. Sometimes ungodly so.

Sometimes I shop at Albertsons, which has my favorite layout of any store in the valley. But they own Safeway where my delivery comes from, so I don't have reason to go there unless I'm nearby. Which is rare.

And there you have it. How I shop for groceries.

I bought my car in December 2024. It has never been washed. I park it outside when it rains and don't worry about any dust that accumulates. I just don't care about having a meticulously-maintained car. It's far from a priority in my life. Way down the list.

But then... I parked under a tree where birds ended up shitting all over it. Seriously covered. No amount of rain was going to clean it off. That was embarrassing enough that I relented and went to the carwash.

So now my vehicle is all shiny clean and I've marked my calendar to see if I can go even longer than I did this time before washing. In a day and age when fresh water is a vanishing resource, it seems like a responsible attitude to have!

Or I'm just lazy.

Though at some point, I should probably think about running a vacuum on the inside of it.

I was quite young when I realized my "mind's eye" is blind.

Unlike the majority of people who can "see" stuff in their head, I do not. When I try to close my eyes and envision a red apple, I see only darkness. The closest I can get is to think about a red apple and describe it's attributes to myself while seeing absolutely nothing.

This condition is called "aphantasia."

And if you're wondering what I'm talking about, then there's a test you can take to understand it a bit. My answer to every one of the questions is the first one: No image at all, I only know I am thinking of the object. Coupled with this is also a condition called "Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory" (SDAM). This means that not only can I not envision things in my mind's eye... I also cannot re-experience past events.

An example of SDAM is me thinking back to when I was in Rome and staying at a hotel at the top of the Spanish Steps. I remember trudging up the stairs with a gelato cone. I can remember what the texture and color of the steps were. I can remember the buildings and the people. I haven't forgotten a thing. But when I close my eyes and try to re-live the experience, there's nothing there...

And so... now you know why I take hundreds of pictures whenever I travel somewhere. It's the only way I can visually re-experience what I experienced is to look at the images and videos.

Since I've had this condition since birth (or so I'm guessing), I don't know what I'm missing. I've never experienced it. But I am extremely jealous of people who can. I would love to be able to close my eyes and see my mom's face. Or the places I've been.

Between all this and my mild dyslexia, I'm assuming that my brain damage makes my life a bit less fun than most people's.

This also extends to how I dream.

In that I don't. I'm never having these vivid dreams where I'm flying... or walking on Mars... or whatever. It's always the same. When I'm "dreaming" it's like I'm sitting in front of a screen where I'm "drawing" the objects by description. I'm not actually seeing anything in my head. Which is not much fun at all.

But anyway...

The reason all this popped into my head just now is that J. Craig Venter died.

He's the genius geneticist who was the first to decode a bacteria genome, which lead to a genetics renaissance which culminated in decoding the human genome.

He also had aphantasia...

Rest in Peace, sir.

NEWSFLASH: RFK Jr. plans to curb antidepressants, which he falsely compares to heroin.

I've had crippling anxiety since I was 17. I know the age because I can remember the first anxiety-fueled attack I had with crystal clarity. Couldn't breathe. Felt like I was dying. Didn't know what was happening. Couldn't put a coherent thought together. At the time I thought I was having a heart attack. Everything was dialed to 11 and I was in quite a lot of pain.

Not knowing what was happening, mom took me to the doctor. We were told that it was a "panic attack" and I would be fine once I calmed down. Which I did. But I was still so rattled the next day that I still didn't feel like myself. The best word I can think of to describe my condition is... scrambled.

I have no idea what triggered the attack. Whatever it was probably disappeared as I was trying to deal with it all.

A couple times a year I'd get hit again, but it was never as intense as the first time. Probably because I understood what was happening to me. Though it could still get pretty bad. It's called crippling anxiety for a reason. It incapacitates you and you literally can't function.

Eventually I visited Thailand and looked to make some changes in my life. I started meditating, and that allowed me to manage my anxiety fairly well. I did have to run to initial care a couple times over the years for help, but I was never put on any medication.

Until I was.

Caring for a parent with dementia drove up my anxiety levels every single day, and it just kept getting worse and worse and worse. Far worse than it ever had been. No amount of meditation would touch it. And the fact that I was being incapacitated meant I couldn't care for my mom... let alone myself. Which probably made things even worse.

And so... my doctor ran me through the SSRI gauntlet, where you keep trying different options until something works. Or at least makes life with anxiety manageable. And we hit it on the third try.

I stayed on the pills until three or four months after my mom passed, when I slowly started to get my life back together and go back to meditating to control my stress and anxiety. It wasn't a cold-turkey halting of the drugs. It was a medically-controlled tapering off so that the side-effects don't get too awful. And, despite the FUCKING BULLSHIT NONSENSE BEING VOMITED OUT OF RFK JR.'S STUPID, IGNORANT, ANTI-SCIENCE, PIECE OF SHIT FUCKING ASSHOLE... it wasn't harder than "quitting heroin." Or, if it was, quitting heroin must be a fucking cake-walk, because it was no problem at all. My doctor gave me a schedule and advised me how to do it safely and, after a while, I was done. Back to practicing my meditation.

And then, seven years later, I was at work trying to deal with too much and there it was... an anxiety attack so bad that I was in my car thinking I was dying. All my muscles were so tight that I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. I was jumping out of my skin. My hands and feet were frozen and my fingers were bent back, leaving me clawing at my chest. I would have started screaming, but I couldn't breathe. I don't think that I passed out, but maybe I did. I honestly don't remember.

I didn't mess around. The minute I was able to pick up my phone and dial, I was calling for an emergency appointment with my doctor. YOU KNOW, THE ONLY PERSON QUALIFIED TO GIVE ME FUCKING MEDICAL ADVICE.

Given the severity of the attack, it was decided I would try some milder doses of SSRIs to see if that would allow me to get back to being able to function again.

It did not.

I was spiraling so often so quickly that I went right back to the drug which worked the best for me the first time. From there I worked myself from one pill to three per night. But slowly. Because the side-effects are horrible. Mostly revolving around explosive diarrhea from morning to night... and sometimes in the middle of the night.

Eventually things evened out. And my life started to feel like my own again. Which is to say that my life started to feel like most everybody else's does. Which is to say that any anxiety I'm experiencing is manageable. I don't get so overwhelmed that I can no longer function and am trying to scream while struggling to breathe.

After five or so months when things started to normalize for me, I worked my way down from three pills to two. Two pills to one. And then I was going to go back to zero when I decided that I just didn't fucking want to. I'm old enough now that I simply do not want to spend any more of what little time I have left struggling with my anxiety. I'm done with it. So I met with my doctor and explained where my head was at. He was happy that I had taken the initiative to reduce from three pills to one pill safely (I'd been through it before), and agreed with my reasoning. His training led him to believe I was better off where I was at, so he supported my decision. Medically.

And so...

Every night I take a small yellowish-peachy pill called Paxil.

Then I thank God that Paxil exists and my doctor exists so I can have a normal life that's not being ruled by something I can't control. With that pill I can manage. I can cope. I can be me. And I don't have to live in terror of an anxiety attack appearing out of nowhere and sending my life spiraling...

So fuck RFK Jr. and his stupid ignorant shit. Fuck him sideways.

I have no doubt that there are doctors who over-prescribe. I have no doubt that there are people who are abusing SSRIs. And, yeah, addressing that is probably a good idea. But for RFK Jr. to feel that he gets to overrule my doctor and unilaterally purge/reduce SSRIs for whatever stupid-ass reason (RFK Jr. being somebody who, I'll remind you, has no fucking training for this shit)... well, he can go fuck himself.

I am not going back to where I was when there's a perfectly suitable, perfectly safe, medically-sound, scientifically-studied solution available to me.

And some fascist junkie asshole with no medical training and not a lick of sense in his fucking brain-worm-riddled head has any fucking business telling me otherwise.