After taking yet another massive allergy pill so I could get a whole four hours sleep last night, I'm exhausted but recovering. My lungs don't feel itchy and I can eat real food.

But it's a different matter entirely for my cats. Who want to go out in the catio. Bad.

I keep showing Jake the air quality reading on my phone and telling him "It's too smokey for little kitty lungs outside!" But he sits there looking outside and crying because I've blocked the door to the catio...

It's particularly upsetting at night, because he sits there and howls because he can't get out. While I'm trying to wind down and rest. Fortunately I can call down to him and he'll come up and fall asleep next to me, because... yikes.

Jenny was upset at first, but resigned herself to the fact that she can't go out.

Which is good, because there's so much smoke out that you wouldn't know it's Summer. If not for the heat, you'd swear it was an overcast Winter day. And I really, really don't need my cats going in and out and brining smoke in with them.

In July they don't want to be outside in the heat very often any way. But September? Prime catio season...

Reeeeeeally hoping that this fire gets under control soon... but at over 9,000 acres and counting, it's not likely. Which means come Monday I'm going to have to leave my house for work and get sick, sick, sick again.

Which is nothing compared to the suffering by my cats not being able to go outside, of course (just ask them!).

Jenny, as I have undoubtedly mentioned, is a fiendishly clever and intelligent cat. She's also unbelievably manipulative. Not just towards me, but her brother as well. Once or twice a week she does something which has me wondering if she's smarter than I am.*

Except... only in specific areas.

As an example: Jenny loves running up to bed with me so she can get some pets before turning in for the night. Me, not her. Because she would gladly be petted for six hours. But the minute I turn the lights off, she runs back downstairs to sleep. But anyway... She used to head up with me when I went upstairs. But sometimes I'd forget something or was just going up to get something and wasn't actually going to bed. So then she stopped going up with me until I would turn off the television. When that wasn't guaranteed, she would wait for me to call her to say I'm going to bed. When that wasn't guaranteed (I'm forgetful), she started waiting until I'm upstairs and have Siri turn off the downstairs (I tell Siri "goodnight" once I'm in bed for real, and everything outside my bedroom turns off).

On Tuesday night I got into bed and told Siri "goodnight," then Jenny came running up as usual. But I forgot to set out something I needed to remember to take to work, so I had to get out of bed to go back downstairs. Right after Jenny had jumped up to be petted.

She was furious. Started meowing her head off upstairs, because how dare I leave her there un-petted! Then, when I was taking too long, she came downstairs to get me. Meowing the entire time.

So I don't know what happens next. I guess I have to pinky-swear that I'm really going to bed and won't be leaving until morning or something.

So, yeah, she's smart.

And then...

Jenny sometimes wants to be petted while I'm on the couch... but doesn't want to sit next to me for whatever reason. So she'll sit all the way at the other end of the couch and meow in frustration at me because I'm not petting her. I reach out my hand to show her that I can't reach. But instead of realizing it, she'll lean her little head towards me like she can somehow bridge the 4-foot gap between us.

After five minutes of this nonsense, she begrudgingly got up and moved closer because she realized I wasn't moving. But she was angry about it. Wouldn't even look at me, no matter how much I talked to her...

"Just give me my damn belly rubs and shut up about it."

Now, there are other things that I honestly don't know whether she's smart about or not.

Like when she gets a drink.

Jenny refuses to drink from the cat fountain in the dining room. Maybe the moving water bothers her or something. So I ended up buying a still water dispenser for her. No big deal, right? Well, maybe. Because she will never just walk up and get a drink. There's a process. First she sits in front of the bowl and stares at it... waiting for it to move or something. Then she will dip her paw into it... making sure it's not going to move, I guess. Then she will taste it off her paw five or six times... to make sure it's not poisonous, perhaps. Then, and only then will she take a drink.

But here's the problem... she's so skittish that if I walk into the kitchen while she's drinking (or, more likely, preparing to drink) she will run off. This is bad news, because a hydrated cat is a healthy cat. And so, any time I get up to go into the kitchen and Jenny's not around, I will stand at the cat tree and look into the kitchen to see if I can proceed. If she's waiting for the water to attack her or in process of drinking, I will wait for her to finish before heading towards the kitchen!

If she's checking for poison? Smart. If she's worried that the water might be going to attack her after drinking from the same dish hundreds of times? Wellll...

   
* Yeah, I'm sure everybody reading this is thinking "Of course Jenny is smarter than you are." But I'm all... "Well, I don't see her able to earn a living or surf the internet, so how smart could she possibly be?"**

** Oh...

=sigh=

If you want to see a photo of me losing my mind... well, what little is left of my mind... here it is...

I had to come home to pick up something for work yesterday morning.

I see Jake laying on the cat tree so I say his name and ask him how his day has been. Nothing.

I say his name and talk to him a little louder. Nothing.

I go up to touch him. Nothing.

Now I'm in a blind panic, so I start shaking him... and... he finally moves, then wakes up and looks at me like I'm the asshole for waking him up. Then squawks. Then goes back to sleep.

Now, for context, both my cats are skittish enough that ANY sound will wake them up. Jake not waking up to look at me when I am saying his name and talking to him is unprecedented. Him not reacting when I touch him? Inconceivable (yes, that word means what I think it means).

And so... that was a flash-forward that had me shaking all day long.

Maybe this is just what happens when cats get older. Maybe Jake is losing his hearing. Maybe he's just decided "fuck it" I am not going to react to meet his expectations. I don't know. But it wrecked my day. And now my anxiety is at an all-time high when I didn't think it was possible for it to get any worse.

I mean, don't get me wrong... there's absolutely no scenario where I would trade the past 9-1/2 years of my life with these cats. They have literally saved my life. But now a part of me cannot help but wonder if they will be the death of me as well.

I am typing this will Jake on my chest. It's not going well. You'll have to forgive any misspellings.

So there was Jake... sticking his head in a bag. Again. I had my camera ready because I absolutely knew where this was headed...

But don't worry I reached over and pulled it off immediately after snapping the photo. I wanted a photo of Jake with Cheetos dust on his face, but he ran away in shame. And I'm like... I get it.

The guy never, ever learns. If I wasn't as careful as I am to pick the bags up, he'd do this once a week.

But before I go...

I saw this LEGO sculpture on social media and really wish I knew who to credit for it, because it's brilliant...

Apparently somebody needs to learn the importance of spaying or neutering your cat.

Yesterday was International Cat Day, which is hilarious because EVERY DAY IS INTERNATIONAL CAT DAY!

In other news... I believe that my cats have a longstanding agreement on dividing my time between them. Jenny mostly wants my attention at night when I head up to bed. Though I don't know why. Most of the time she doesn't care about being petted... she just wants me to act as a foot rest...

What's interesting is that if Jake is laying in bed next to me when Jenny comes in the room, he will most times hop off the bed and leave the room, at which point Jenny will take his place. Sometimes I've even seen Jenny come into my bedroom, see Jake is next to me on the bed, leave the room, then he'll jump down and follow her out, at which point she'll come back so she can lay next to me.

But every once in a while... like last night on International Cat Day... miracles do happen...

And after Jenny left do you think I got my arm back?

Jake's designated time with me is when I get home from work. He and Jenny both sleep on my bed when I'm gone... but Jake listens for the garage door to open, then hauls ass down to the bottom of the stairs where he waits for me to walk in so he can get petted.

Sometimes he's apparently too comfortable to come running to greet me, because he isn't waiting. I used to go upstairs to make sure he was okay because it was so unusual for him to be absent when I walked through the door, but it was always just him being lazy.

They do seem to take turns sitting with me on the couch, however.

Jake wants to sit on my lap and be petted. Jenny prefers to sit next to me and be petted.

The common denominator being that my cats always want to be petted, of course.

And so... the cat fights continue.

I will be reading or working in bed, then hear hissing and howling and screaching coming from downstairs. Usually I just ignore it because it doesn't last long. But last night? Holy cats. I heard Jenny inside hissing and hissing and hissing while Jake was outside screeching. Meanwhile Fake Jake was standing there making cat fight yowls while actually not in a cat fight because there's a fence between them.

But anyway...

This is not Jenny.

But it might as well be her. Or Jake...

Rent means nothing to them. And why should it?

I swear my cats are getting worse with each passing day.

Jake and Jenny are now both wailing when something is upsetting them, knowing that I'll drop everything and come running. This past week Jenny wailed because Jake ate her food when she finally bothered to come downstairs for dinner... and Jake was wailing and wailing so strongly that I ran to find out if he was dying, but it turned out he wanted to be petted. Seriously. Just sauntered right up to me and started rubbing against my legs until I pet him.

Then today I heard wailing out in the catio. But when I looked it was just Jake saying hello to Fake Jake, who seems to be getting lighter and shrinking as Jake is expanding, which is to say there's no mistaking them for each other as I once had...

Of course Jenny experienced immediate FOMO and had to go rushing out to see what was up. At which point Fake Jake got bored and left...

Jenny hopped up on a shelf to see if she could could spot where he went. Jake, apparently blaming her for him losing his entertainment, was not thrilled with her...

Jenny, who is above such nonsense, just climbed up to the top shelf while Jake sat below sulking.

Until they heard the dinner alarm, at which point she ran inside while Jake sat in front of the cat door wailing again. I was going to go open the door to let him in, but only after I had put food out. Except that wasn't necessary. Since food is his biggest motivator, he ultimately decided that he'd let himself in.

I don't even want to think of the wailing which would ensue if he came in to find out that his sister had eaten his dinner.

For the longest time, Jake would be happy to take whatever attention he could get when I arrive home, then wander off when I have to leave him.

Not any more.

Now, if I leave before he's had enough pets, he follows me around the house squawking and crying until I pet him more.

Jenny, on the other hand, has the decency to wait until I get into bed before she starts crying for me to pet her...

Though she's not above crying if I don't feed her food she feels like eating, of course. Except I'm trying to not give in so easily now-a-days.

I was gone two days on vacation and, just like when I'm gone for two weeks, Jake won't leave my side.

Every night I go to sleep and he's laying next to me, then when I wake up and he's still there. I don't know how he manages to get any sleep with all my tossing and turning, but it doesn't seem to discourage him. Of course even belly rubs only distract him for a second before he falls asleep again...

If only I could sleep like that.

I prop my pillows upright so the cats don’t lay on them and get fur all over them. Jenny, bless her heart, HAS BEEN PULLING DOWN THE PILLOWS WITH HER CLAWS AND THEN LAYS ON THEM!!

Usually I have to look at the security cameras to see what happened. But this time the little scoundrel did it right in front of me...

Which is oh so typical of her.

She has absolutely no regard for rules. Well, neither of my cats do, but she's borderline contemptuous of rules.

Which is oh so typical of cats, really.