Driving over to Seattle is a two-and-one-half-hour endeavor that I have done so many times that I barely notice it anymore. One minute I'm leaving my driveway, and the next I am pulling into the city... everything that happens in-beween is nothing more than a blur. About the only thing I usually remember are the dumbass drivers that piss me off, but today I didn't even remember much of that. For some reason this time was like the trip wasn't even real. Like a video game perhaps.
And that got me thinking about how cool my life would be if it were a video game all the time.
It would probably start off with Elizabeth Hurley appearing before me in a cloud and giving me some kind of quest to complete...
Then, like most adventure games, I'd be dumped in the middle of a forest with only my monkey companion to keep me company...
But eventually I'd slay a bunch of monsters and find treasure so I could upgrade to a Pirate Warrior...
And then I could battle big-ass boss monsters like Jared the Subway Sandwich Whore...
Then I'd become King of the World and marry Princess Elizabeth...
Yeah, my life as a video game would kick ass!
Must... not... kill. Must... contain... overwhelming... rage.
There will be no blog entry today. I have returned from Seattle and am so freakin' pissed that I would probably punch my fingers through the keyboard on my PowerBook if I were to even attempt to explain the crap I've had to put up with.
It's all I can do to keep from screaming my head off...
So instead I will talk about My Super Ex-Girlfriend, which was a pleasant surprise for me. I was going to wait for the DVD rental, but it was the only movie playing in the theater next to my hotel that looked even remotely interesting...
Luke Wilson plays Matt Saunders, an architect who's unlucky in love until he meets Jenny Johnson (played by Uma Thurman), a quirky woman with an amazing secret: she's the hero "G-Girl" who flies around New York as its super-powered protector. But when things don't turn out as planned, Matt breaks off the relationship and ends up with an ex set on revenge.
While the film doesn't work on all levels, the compelling cast and occasional humorous moment makes me glad I saw it. Eddie Izzard? Anna Faris? Rainn Wilson? WANDA SYKES?!? I am so there. But the real star is Luke Wilson, who manages to play this kind of sympathetic role with an ease and humility that makes the movie work despite some serious flaws in pacing... even when Uma goes overboard psycho.
In the end, I'm very glad that the super-hero genre has managed to cross over into comedy in a way that actually works. Somehow I don't think this will hold true for Tim Allen's upcoming Zoom! (because it sure as heck didn't for the ridiculous Sky High).
Anyway, hopefully tomorrow I'll be calm enough to blog again.
But I doubt it.
Today's entry has been rated R by the Blogography Review Board for graphic violence, mature themes, sexual situations, and massive use of profanity. Imagery contained within may be upsetting to younger readers, persons with heart conditions, pregnant or expectant mothers, overly religious nut-jobs (this means you Pat Robertson!), dumbasses incapable of comprehending satire or parody, those with an IQ under 80 (including idiots, morons, stupid-heads, imbeciles, dunces, dimwits, dorks, chowder heads, or raging dumbasses), fans of the television show 7th Heaven, and all those people who are already offended by my blog (but read it ever day anyway)...
Do not proceed if you fall into any of the above categories. And, if you should choose to proceed anyway, don't even think about sending me an email or leaving a comment telling me how much you hate me and my blog. Because after I've gone to all this trouble to warn you about the atrocities within, that would just make you a major douche.
So please don't click the extended entry link below. You've been warned.
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Wow. I got so caught up in work today that I totally forgot about my blog! That almost never happens.
Oh well. I guess it's a little late to do anything about it now.
I only hope that I can get to sleep after Adena got this song stuck in my head all day.
Sometime back in 1979-1980 I ran across a comic strip called "Garfield" about a total bastard of a cat who tormented his dorky owner Jon. I really liked it because it was a little more sarcastic than "Peanuts" and the rest of the funny paper offerings. Since I didn't get the strip in my local paper, my grandmother was nice enough to clip them out and send them to me. Every couple of weeks I'd look forward to getting a fat envelope filled with Garfield strips to read, which was pretty sweet!
But, after a couple years, I couldn't help but notice that the strip was getting repetitive and boring. Rather than come up with something new and interesting to talk about, the team of writers and illustrators that Jim Davis hired to do the strip just maintained the status quo (about the only decent thing to happen since then was the Garfield cartoon show, which was far more interesting than the strip). Eventually I lost interest and moved on to more "cutting edge" humor like my beloved "Calvin & Hobbes" and "The Far Side."
Well, today I ran across something rather cool... the people behind Garfield actually realize that the strip sucks, and have provided a tool to let you create your own!
I need to make a tool like that for my DaveToons. It would be a heck of a lot faster than having to draw them.
DUDE!
Thanks to Brandon over at The Sports Logo Pundit, I just ordered me what has to be the sweetest hockey jersey on the planet from the Milwaukee Admirals.
Seriously, check this out...
Coolest. Logo. Ever.
IT'S A PIRATE!! And note that the jersey has a lace-up front, buccaneer-style, which is even sweeter.
According to Brandon there's controversy because some people don't like the new logo, but these people are full of crap! Just look at the lame logo they used to have versus the sweet hotness of the logo they have now...
The only sucky part is that the jerseys are so popular there is a seven-week wait. But that's okay, I guess, because it will actually be cool enough to wear it then.
And speaking of totally frightening impulse shopping... tomorrow is one of the two scariest days of the year: the start of Apple's World Wide Developers Conference (the other day being MacWorld in January). And why is that? Because it's when Apple will unleash cool new products on an undeserving world. And what will it be? New big-screen video iPod? iPhone? Mac Pro? iTaco? Who knows?!?
Of course, being the Mac whore that I am, I will totally end up buying everything... even though I can't afford it.
I still remain hopeful for iToast...
I swear I would totally buy a box of rusty nails, so long as it had the Apple logo on it.
Somebody help me.
I am a huge fan of animation and have done my fair share of goofing around using both traditional hand-drawn and 3-D computer techniques. The problem is that animation is hard to do well, so I usually get frustrated and give up. Still, it's proven to be valuable experience, because it has made me better at story-boarding and character design (which is work I really enjoy).
Recently I've fallen in love with the idea of making my own animations again, and have decided to see what I can do with the hefty DaveToon library I've accumulated from my blog over the past couple of years. At first I was going to do everything in 3-D, but that quickly fell through because the 2-D nature of my simple drawings didn't look very good when translated. So now I've been messing around with 2-D cell animation and find that it isn't much easier. The characters were never intended to be animated when I first created them, so everything looks a little strange when I attempt it.
But, after a drawing up a few dozen pages of movement animatics and character structure, I'm getting much closer to being able to make DaveToons come to life. Here's a page showing the frames of a simple head-turn...
And here's an attempt at restructuring Bad Monkey for movement...
At this point I still don't know if it's going to work. Hopefully I'll get it figured out after another two dozen pages.
Anyway...
Fortunately, Steve Job's keynote speech at Apple's World Wide Developer's Conference didn't result in me going bankrupt. No widescreen Video iPod. No super-cool iPhone. No iPod Car Stereo. Just the release of the impressive new Mac Pro machines and a peek at the X-Serve server specs. This really makes sense, because consumer devices like iPods and iPhones don't really belong at a software developer's conference anyway.
The highlight of the keynote was, of course, a sneak peak at the next version of the MacOS X operating system, code-named Leopard. Steve was very clear that they would only be showing a few of the features that they have planned, because they need to have a few surprises left in store for the product launch.
Holy crap.
If THIS is the cool stuff that they are willing to show us, then heaven only knows what else they're going to pack into the OS when it ships next Spring! Once again Apple totally blows by Microsoft Windows, which is still trying to copy the previous version of the MacOS with their ever-delayed "Windows Vista" OS (which, in my mind, is rip-off because it's mostly a bunch of security fixes that SHOULD have been put in Windows XP). Why anybody would still want to cling to that lamer imitation is a complete mystery to me. Every single time I am forced to use my Windows PC, it's like stepping back in time... even when I am using the "Windows Vista" beta. Apple revolutionizes their OS nearly every year, whereas Windows just continues to lag behind and stagnate. "Vista" ain't going to change that, because paying for a bunch of security fixes and an outdated GUI simply isn't worth it. I can't help but wonder how many people will switch to the Mac after seeing what a total disappointment "Vista" is turning out to be when compared to how rippin' cool Leopard is.
Oh well.
All I can say is that I am amazed at the new "Time Machine" and "Core Animation" tech built-in to the new MacOS, and am thrilled that virtual desktops will finally be built-in as well. Everything else is just beautiful gravy, and I can't wait to see what else we're going to get with MacOS X v10.5!
Having a blog can sometimes be insanely strange in ways you would never suspect. Well, I never suspect it because I can't believe that people bother to read Blogography in the first place, but mostly because of the reactions I get from some of the people who do read it. I get the most bizarre, odd, scary, freaky, and otherwise disturbing emails and comments that you could possibly imagine. For the most part, I just don't care, because the nice comments and emails more than make up for the few nut-jobs who try their best to spoil things. But every once in a while something comes along that baffles me completely.
Take last week, for instance.
As I mentioned before, this past March one of my totally sweet blogger-friends, Kachina, wrote a very nice entry singing my praises and talking about how much she enjoys Blogography. It was titled "Things I Think Are Great: Number One" and, apparently, is part one in a one-part series. It's understandable that she never wrote a "Number Two" because she started with ME... arguably one of the greatest things ever... and had nowhere to go but downhill.
Anyway, after reading such wonderful things about myself, I was compelled to leave a comment...
I wish I possessed even a tiny amount of humility so that I could at least pretend to be humbled by such kind praise, but my ego simply doesn't allow for it.
As it turns out, I AM totally great.
If I weren't me, I'd be wishing I was me. But since I am me, I just have to be satisfied with wishing I was more me than I am right now. If I were three times more me than I am, I think I'd be pretty much perfect.
Now, when I write smart-assed crap like that, I assume that people understand I am being sarcastic.
Apparently, this is not the case.
Because while I was goofing off working in Seattle last week, I received an email telling me that they had been referred to my blog by Kachina's entry and felt they had to set the record straight. Among the highlights were...
Uh huh.
It's almost as good as the time I wrote about constructing a 50-story tall monument to myself made out of Italian marble with a roller coaster, movie theater, revolving restaurant, and sacrificial altar inside. I immediately received a comment telling me that my recent travel problems were a direct result of my wanting people to idolize me, and that I was "stealing glory from God" and incurring His divine wrath.
Yeah, I deleted that one.
So now I am trying to come up with a way to let people know that I am being a sarcastic ass when they are just too dense to realize it. Because when there is somebody out there who thinks I am actually planning on demolishing Mt. Rainier National Park so I can build a 50-story tall monument to myself, well, obviously something needs to be done.
Because hunting them down and giving them a nice bitch-slapping is way too much work.
I wish I knew what I have against cherries and cherry-flavored foods.
I'd like to blame it on the fact that I spent hot summer days in a smelly orchard picking cherries for back-to-school money when I was younger, but I never really cared for them before that. Cherries are just one of those things I dislike for no particular reason, and I haven't a clue as to why. Sure I loathe broccoli and cauliflower and stuff, but there is a very good reason for disliking them because they are ugly, smelly, taste gross, and make you fart.
But cherries?
They are pretty, sweet-smelling, assumably fart-free, and everybody else seems to love them...
The problem with disliking cherries is that you end up wasting a lot of edibles because almost every fruit assortment is assured of having cherry in it. When I buy a case of popsicles from the Schwan man, I end up with yummy orange, delicious grape, and a butt-load of gross cherry I have to try and give away. Buy a carton of Tootsie Pops, and it's the same way. Even a pack of Starburst Fruit Chews has me tossing a handful of candy out because of those freaky pink cherry squares.
Yes, life would be much better if I could get over my aversion to cherries. Instead I just become more freaked out during July and August because everywhere you go in the valley people are picking, selling, and eating cherries. It's cherries everywhere, and even when you don't seem them, there's always cherry pits that people have spit out into the gutters or dumped in a parking lot or something. A constant reminder of those yucky little red fruits.
The good news is that cherry season here in Washington State seems to finally be falling off. Soon, no longer will I be assaulted by bins of cherries when I enter the grocery store. People sucking on cherry stems and spitting out pits will be a much rarer sight. Cherries will slowly start to disappear and the world will eventually go back to normal.
Until next year.
When I am traveling in a strange place, I notice everything. Few details, no matter how small, escape me when I bother to really take notice of my surroundings. But, when it comes to my own back yard, you might as well forget it. This fact came into vivid relief just this afternoon.
I was leaving the mini-mart after having purchased a Coke with Lime to get me through the day when I hear some people shouting at me. Looking over at them, my keen intellect pegs them as tourists due to the huge motor-home they're standing in front of.
DAVE: Uhhh... yeah?
OLD TOURIST DUDE: What happened up there?
DAVE: Er, where?
OLD TOURIST LADY (pointing): Up there. Up on the hill.
DAVE (seeing a huge blackened swash cut across the hillside): Ah. I dunno. Probably a fire.
OLD TOURIST DUDE: You live here, son?
DAVE: Yes.
OLD TOURIST DUDE: HEH HEH! Then how can you not know if your hills were on fire? HEH! HEH! HEH!
DAVE: I was probably out of town that day.
OLD TOURIST DUDE: HA! HA HAAAAHHH HA HAAAHHH!
OLD TOURIST LADY: HAAAAH HA HA HAAAAHHH!
OLD TOURIST DUDE: HAH! OUT OF TOWN THAT DAY!! HA HAAAHH! DID YOU HEAR THAT PEG?!? HAAA HA HA HA HAAAAAAHH HA HA HA HAAAAHHH!
For the life of me I can't figure out what I said that was so hysterically funny but, one thing was for certain, something had gone on up there...
After walking back to get my camera I asked a local what had happened and, sure enough, a fire had broke out while I was bouncing back and forth between Seattle and Spokane a few weeks ago.
The fact that I hadn't noticed before now (and might have never noticed had these two chuckle-head tourists not stopped me) is kind of weak. It makes me wonder what other crazy crap has happened here while I am away that I haven't notice.
One of these days, I'm going to have to be a tourist in my own home town.
Last night I had somebody ask me how the recent airline terrorist story coming out of the U.K. would be affecting my travel plans. The answer? It doesn't... not even a little bit. If I had the time, money, and energy, I'd hop on a flight to London right now. I refuse to live my life in fear over something that may or may not happen. I mean, what's the alternative? Am I supposed to barricade myself in my home for the rest of my life? Never go anywhere ever again? F#@% that. Sure the world is getting more scary and more dangerous every day, but that's just the way it is. If I die in a terrorist attack on a plane, then my time is up and I die on a terrorist attack on a plane. Life goes on, and I'm not going to waste time worrying about it.
What I will waste time on is a way to classify people making news. This way, whenever I am not sure what to think, I can just spin my magical "WHEEL OF LABELS" and instantly know how I should feel about the person in question...
For example...
Geraldo (who has apparently forgotten that he used to host the "Geraldo" show, which regularly had topics such as "Men in Lace Panties and the Women Who Love Them") has pulled out the hypocrite card and decided to trash Comedy Central and The Daily Show. He says: "You know, Comedy Central is now a big hit, Stewart and the Colbert guy... they make a living putting on video of old ladies slipping on ice and people laughing. That’s their life. They exist in a small little place where they count for nothing."
Say what? This is how he makes himself feel important? Trashing one of the most insightful, smart, witty, and important shows on television for political commentary? Sounds pretty stupid to me. And the fact that he insists on continuing to wear that dorky mustache that makes him look like a 1970's gay porn star just makes it all the harder to take. In any event, I have no idea what to think about this. Time to spin the wheel...
There you have it. Turns out Geraldo is a dumbass. Actually, the needle got kind of stuck between two sections so technically he's a dumbass-f#@%er. Perhaps somebody needs to hit him in the face with another chair to smarten him up.
But how does Daily Show host John Stewart rate?
Yeah, that's kind of what I thought.
And lastly we have Samuel L. Jackson, who talked about his most recent film Snakes on a Plane in an AICN interview. When asked about going back to re-shoot scenes in order to show the snakes actually biting people instead of cutting the camera away, here is what he had to say...
"You want the snake hit! You want to see it. You have two people goin' to screw in a bathroom on a plane and you know that there are some snakes in there... you know that when that tit comes out, you want to see a snake on that tit! At some point you gonna go, 'Man, I know a snake's going to show up somewhere... and hopefully that snake's going to be on that tit!'"
Brilliant. I couldn't have said it better myself! I'm assuming the sequel to Snakes on a Plane will be Snakes on a Tit. So how does Bad-Ass MoFo Samuel L. Jackson rate?
Yeah... like that's any surprise. He was about the only cool thing in those crappy Star Wars prequels. Well, him and Emperor Palpatine. Palpatine was balls-nasty evil! You gotta love that.
Dang. Now I want to watch Pulp Fiction again.
I'm minty fresh!
One of my most favorite internet phenomena would have to be Where The Hell Is Matt... a guy who got famous for traveling around the world, dancing in exotic locations, and filming it so he could turn his trips into an amazing video. It ended up being such a big hit that the people at Stride Gum decided to sponsor a second world tour so Matt could dance in all new places. This resulted in yet another sweet video, and gave me a scorching desire to support Stride Gum because they were so cool to do this.
So I bought a pack of Peppermint Stride. It's pretty tasty gum and, just like it advertises, the flavor lasts a really long time.
But it reeks.
This tiny pack of gum has a massive stench that infects everything which comes in contact with it.
Yesterday I put it in my backpack which has now been permanently infused with essence of peppermint. It smells like a tube of toothpaste exploded inside. I thought it might be the confined space, so I tossed the gum on my night-stand. Turns out that the minty odor is so strong that it woke me up in the middle of the night! Now my nostrils are burning and my entire apartment smells like somebody farted a pack of breath-mints while drinking mojitos and then tried to cover it up by smashing candy canes into the carpet. It's like a frickin' mint julep jungle in here...
I've since got the gum DOUBLE-SEALED in a plastic baggie. From now on, whenever I want to chew a piece, I'll go outside to open it so as not to completely kill my sense of smell...
I now worry that I won't get my cleaning deposit back because it will take a team of those meth-lab detox workers to disinfect my apartment. They're going to have to rip up the carpet, strip the paint off the walls, and replace all the curtains. They may even have to tear out the doors, because I'm pretty sure the mint smell has soaked into the wood.
All things considered, I've come to the conclusion that Stride's flavor doesn't actually last longer than regular gum... the persistent smell just makes you think it does. I read somewhere that 90% of taste is actually attributed to smell, so the big secret mystery of this miracle gum has been solved! I could chew a pencil eraser right now and it would taste like a fresh piece of Stride.
I'm going to go shove a couple of coffee beans up my nose to mask the mint odor so I can get back to sleep.
Now you know I'm desperate, because I don't even like coffee.
Blargh.
I just spent three hours driving across half the state to Spokane and now I am totally whipped. On top of that, I stopped by David's for way too many slices of the Best Pizza On Earth, so now I have a stomachache as well. I'd write about how totally boring Eastern Washington is to drive through, but I think I'd rather go to bed instead. Maybe on the way back...
Oh, and one last thing before I go...
If you don't hear from me tomorrow, it's because I've killed the family staying in the hotel room above me, then was arrested and thrown in jail. They have kids running around screaming and slamming doors and I'm starting to get really pissed off. Unfortunately, I didn't bring a shotgun with me, so I am going to have to bludgeon them with an ironing board.
But don't be too concerned... I don't know how to iron my clothes, so it's not like I was going to use that ironing board anyway.
It was a very long day.
At the end of it all... once I finally had time to eat... I decided that all I wanted was to go to IHOP (International House of Pancakes). They've been running commercials for weeks advertising their new "fruit-topped funnel cakes," and I have been keen to try them. Unfortunately, there is no IHOP where I live, so here was my chance (Spokane has three of them).
How can you resist something that looks as good as this...
Yeah, it tastes just as amazing as it looks (thought I had blueberries on top instead of strawberries). And so now I know what the perfect breakfast is:
It's a lot of food but, since I hadn't eaten all day, I was able to eat most of it.
And now I am back in my hotel room watching a documentary on the ritualistic circumcision celebrations of tribes in Vanuatu. It is all at once horrifying and fascinating. Of particular interest is that the parents of the child being circumcised can only drink coconut milk during the seven-week healing period after. Not only that, but women are not allowed to witness the ritual, nor are they allowed to see those having been circumcised until after they have healed. This causes quite a bit of stress on the poor mothers, but everybody gets together to dance, sing, and kill pigs at the end, so I guess it's all good.
Well, except for the pigs, of course. Not a good day to be a pig.
After yet another three hours driving, I'm back home. For a day.
And since I have limited time to get my act together, I am trying very hard to get caught up with work, re-pack my suitcase, read blogs, and sort through the 137 emails jamming my in-box. One of these emails was from somebody saying "mind your own business," which I thought was odd. I mean, usually when I get emails like this, people will cram in all kinds of profanity and at least tell me what it is I said that they didn't like. This one left me clueless.
So I did a little digging, matched the IP address to my server logs, then tracked the referring link.
It seems some journalist guy linked to Blogography in an article he wrote about the awesome new logo for the Milwaukee Admirals hockey team. For reasons unknown, he thinks my name is "Jersey" even though my name and photo are at the top of my sidebar on every page. Turns out both myself and Brandon (from Sports Logo Pundit) are being linked so he can show how there are some people who like the logo despite a vocal group of Milwaukeans who hate it...
Oddly enough, the journalist guy DIDN'T link to the entry I wrote about how much I love the logo... which means many people who come here from his article just turn around and leave because they aren't finding anything about the Admirals' new look. The internets are confusing that way.
But this one guy managed to track down the entry, decide that I'm full of crap, then goes to the trouble of telling me to "mind my own business" but doesn't tell me why.
And now I have no idea why I just wasted my valuable time to figure that out.
But I was happy to learn that Milwaukee Admirals merchandise sales have increased 600% (and the season doesn't even start until October). Sweet! I can't wait for my jersey to get here, and will probably buy even more logo crap when I'm back in Milwaukee later this year.
In television news... BETTY F#@%ING WHITE WILL BE ROASTING WILLIAM SHATNER ON THE NEW FRIAR'S CLUB ROAST ON COMEDY CENTRAL ON AUGUST 20th!! Holy crap! BETTY KICKS ASS!
Looks like The Shat truly will be hitting the fan on Sunday. Hopefully I'll be home again by then.
Long-time Blogography readers will know of my good friend Bad Robert. He was one of the earliest supporters of my blog, one of my very first commenters, and has been providing fodder for my entries for years. If you don't know Bad Robert, then you should read my infamous "Blue Balls Button" entry to get a feel for what I have to deal with (metaphorically speaking).
Anyway...
For the past few weeks, Robert has been calling me up at random times during the day and night... screaming "SNAKES ON A MUTHERF#@%ING PLANE!"... then hanging up. To say he is psyched to see this movie is an understatement of gargantuan proportions. I can only guess that this kind of insane behavior will escalate until the film actually drops in two days.
This morning as I am getting ready for work, my mobile phone rings and I see it's Robert calling. I prepare myself for being screamed at, but the actual conversation was quite different...
phone rings...
Dave: WHAT?!?
Robert: Did you know that you came up with the idea for Snakes on a Mutherf#@%ing Plane??
Dave: Errr... no? What are you talking about?
Robert: I was Google searching and your blog came up. I clicked on it, and there it was... YOU came up with the idea for Snakes on a Mutherf#@%ing Plane back in 2004!
Dave: Wow. I'm going to have to hunt down Samuel L. Jackson and get my mutherf#@%ing check!
Robert: No doubt. And don't forget who told you about it when you get mutherf#@%ing paid.
I had no idea what he was talking about until I looked through my archives.
And there it was...
Bad Robert was right. I DID come up with the idea on mutherf#@%ing July 19th, 2004. Don't believe me? Then go and read it for yourself!
Somebody is getting mutherf#@%ing sued.
UPDATE: Turns out Robert wasn't the first to bring this to my attention... I totally overlooked the comment from Cat that was left earlier this week! Great. Now she's going to want to get mutherf#@%ing paid too!
As I was walking through the University of Washington at Tacoma campus on my way to see the Chihuly chandelier in their library, I noticed a bunch of sidewalk drawings. Many of them are really good, which makes me even more disgusted when I see some stupid bitch pushing her baby stroller right over the top of them, or some douchebag asshole skateboarding through the art. There's plenty of room to walk around the drawings, so I simply cannot understand what their damage is. I guess some people are born assholes, and there's just no other explanation for it.
Here are three of my favorites...
I counted a couple dozen pieces so, if you're in the Tacoma area, you should check it out.
Usually the first thing I do after checking into my hotel room is take off all my clothes and run around the room screaming. It's a great tension-breaker after a day of travel (not to mention good exercise). Luckily this time I totally resisted the urge to get naked, because a family of three unlocked the door and walked right in. There was a father, a mother, and a little girl. "Uhhh... Hello?" I said. "What are you doing in our room?" they replied. "Sorry, but this is my room... see, it says so on my keycard" I explained.
Turned out the guy at the front desk gave me the wrong room. Good thing that I wasn't out for dinner, or all my stuff could have been stolen. Don't let the little girl fool you, these people could have easily been hard-core criminals.
Anyway, I am once again on the other side of the state having driven back to Tacoma today...
In order to avoid traffic, I left pretty early. This allowed me to do two things: 1) Eat at the Auburn SuperMall Johnny Rockets, so I can now claim to have eaten at all five Johnny Rockets restaurants in the state. 2) Continue my Chihuly Glass Walking Tour here in Tacoma...
If you haven't read the first part of my tour when I visited The Museum of Glass and Union Station, you might want to go take a look at that entry first. Otherwise, I've documented the final half of the tour in an extended entry (with photos!) for anybody who finds this kind of stuff interesting...
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
I be internet-free! Blogging from a mobile phone is harder than I thought. 2 bad I suk at txt msg cuz therz no way Im bloggng lik ths!
UPDATE: Had I been able to post my progress map, I would have shown me making it to Bothell...
Heh heh heh... Bothell is just an "R" away from being "Brothell"...
I loathe bad drivers. I loathe traffic. Put them together and I go thermonuclear insane.
And that pretty much sums up my drive to Arlington.
Because halfway between Bothell and Arlington is Everett, and Everett's section of highway is undergoing heavy construction. So it's already guaranteed to be backed-up, but when you toss in dumbasses who are too busy talking on their mobile phones to keep up with traffic... well, you end up with six miles of parking lot along the way...
I plan to make up for it tonight by going to a wedding and getting completely drunk.
It's a pretty good plan.
My big plan to get drunk last night was successful.
Very successful.
When I woke up this morning, I was still drunk. This was a very bad thing, because I needed to drive home today and still had to look forward to my hangover. So, after taking a handful of Advil and Tagament, eating the greasiest breakfast I could keep down, and packing up my crap, I sobered up and hit the road.
But instead of driving back over Highway 2, I decided to go up and around on the North Cascades Highway... a stretch of road that's part of Washington's Cascade Loop. This is a drive which National Geographic describes as "One of America's grandest, most spectacular drives"...
Who cares that it takes 5 hours and 30 minutes to drive instead of 2 hours and 15 minutes? I can use the extra 3+ hours to clear my head and see stuff that I've never seen before! Well, that was the plan anyway. As it turns out, the drive is nice but not that much different than stuff I've driven through already (except that the North Cascades Highway is extremely popular with motorcyclists, and the ratio of motorcycles to cars is nearly 50/50). But the trees, mountains, and blue-green waters made for a nice distraction from my hangover, so it's all good I suppose...
At least it did until smoke started filling the air and I realized that there must be a massive fire in the area. It smelled awful, and was causing me to feel sick all over again. By the time I got to Winthrop (an old-fashioned Western-themed tourist town), it was pretty bad. If you looked on one side of the street there were hazy blue skies, but look the other way and it was nothing but smoke...
Oh well. I'm home safe and sound now, so I suppose I should take a nap, try to get caught up on my sleep, and be thankful that the fires aren't in my back yard this time.
Today was "International Crap on Dave Day" and nobody bothered to tell me in advance.
Instead, everybody just started piling the crap on me until my lovely day was all covered in poo.
Ordinarily, this wouldn't bother me. It seems that "International Crap on Dave Day" comes along at least once a month, so I'm used to it. But today's figurative crap was supplemented with actual crap, which is why I was not okay with it. And I still have no idea what I did or ate that gave me such a bowel-draining case of diarrhea in the first place. All I do know is that it took two hours and a half a box of Imodium before I was able to leave the toilet for more than two minutes at a time. Sure it wasn't the best way to spend my morning, but the up-side is that I beat my high score on Mario Cart DS.
Anyway...
The smoke filled skies that plagued my trip back home yesterday seem to have followed me. This morning things were looking a bit hazy and, by the time I left work tonight, things had gotten much worse. I suspect that when I wake up tomorrow, I'll look out my window and see flames.
Though as long as it's a poo-free day, I'm strangely okay with that...
Today started out as a pretty good day. I woke up with my intestines still on the inside (always a good sign) and the second season of Veronica Mars is due to drop on DVD. On top of that, I bought a fresh box of PopTarts that I'd be opening up for breakfast, so I was all set to face whatever life decided to throw at me.
At least I thought so until my phone rang...
DAVE: "No, I haven't seen Snakes on a Mutherf#@%ing Plane yet."
ROBERT: "DUDE! THE NEW PARIS HILTON ALBUM TOTALLY ROCKS!! A Depeche Mode fan like you should totally love it!"
DAVE: "What?"
ROBERT: "Dude, you've got to download Paris!"
DAVE: "Unless there's a new sex video I don't know about, there is no way I am downloading anything by Paris Hilton."
ROBERT: "Video? Hey, have you seen the new K-Fed video on YouTube? I hear he's touring with Depeche Mode next Spring."
DAVE: "Goodbye Robert."
My love of Depeche Mode catches me nothing but grief from my friends.
But it did get me thinking... apparently if you have shitloads of money (or are married to somebody with shitloads of money) that's all you need to get a record deal. No singing ability required. This must be a major consolation to bands who are struggling to get a deal based on actual musical talent.
And yet the RIAA still thinks that slumping music sales are entirely due to internet piracy. Go figure.
I wonder how come Bill Gates doesn't have a band?
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Jenny just released the dates for TequilaCon 2007... looks like we'll be meeting in lovely Portland, Oregon the weekend of March 10th! I'd say that I'm so happy I could crap my pants, but I have no desire to go through all that again.
TequilaCon promises to be one of the most memorable events of next year, and the reason I know this is because I will be there (probably wearing a Zombies T and my special edition Batman Chucks). So, if you are in the area (or even if you aren't) mark your calendar, then head on over to Jenny's blog for the details...
I can only hope that I escape from the event with my underpants this time.
Today is Blog Appreciation Day and, trust me, if I had the time to load up the hundreds of blogs I read so I could take their photo, I would absolutely do that. But, on top of all the crazy stuff that happened today, my new Mac Pro showed up, and so a huge chunk of my day was spent setting it up, transferring files, and screaming (if you're really interested, I've put the whole ordeal in an extended entry).
But, despite the fact that I couldn't participate, Kevin and Karl were nice enough to photograph my blog anyway...
Unfortunately, it's also "Planet Depreciation Day," and some dumbass astronomy guys decided that Pluto was no longer a planet. This is totally lame, and I have news for you... I don't really give a crap what they say, to ME Pluto is STILL A MUTHERF#@%ING PLANET!! Hey, it sure looks like a planet, and even has a freakin' moon...
Okay then. If the joys and frustration of Macintosh computer ownership fascinate you, then feel free to continue reading about my day in an extended entry, filled with bitching and geeky goodness...
Well crap. I had thought that my re-seating of the RAM, video card, and hard drive was a permanent fix for my new DOA Mac Pro yesterday... but, alas, it was not to be. When I went to turn it on this morning it was dead again, and no amount of mucking about the insides would help. My brand new Mac is dead. I am guessing that something got banged loose in shipping.
As I have said many times... I don't evaluate a company by what happens when things go right (that's what is supposed to happen), but what happens when things go wrong. Usually with a serious computer problem like this, the manufacturer insists on sending random replacement pieces in a half-hearted attempt to fix the computer. Not Apple. They are building me an entirely new machine. Pretty classy.
So, while I am sad that I don't have a functional Mac Pro, I am relieved that Apple is handling it correctly.
In other news, I've added Dr. Phil to my list of The Worlds Most Annoying People...
He surges past David Caruso, Martha Stewart, and Judge Judy... but doesn't quite knock Jared the Subway Sandwich Whore from the top spot. Unfortunately, this drops American Idol Taylor Hicks out of the top-five, but who really cares? He disappeared faster than vapor, so it's not like he's around to be annoying anyway.
There are movies that entertain, and then there are movies which actually have something to say.
Little Miss Sunshine actually has something to say.
On the surface, it's just a funny movie about a family with major issues that's fun to watch. But when you dig a little deeper, it's a brilliant commentary on just how messed up life is and all the crazy crap we have to put up with in order to make our way through it. By the time they finally reach the Little Miss Sunshine Pageant, the absurdity of it all is in vivid relief.
Hands-down the best movie I've seen this year...
Basking in sunshine has never felt so good.
As usual, the Emmy Awards were replete with glaring omissions and poor decisions (how the heck could Shonda Rhimes not win for her brilliant two-part episode of Grey's Anatomy?). It's pretty sad when you can only really agree with one award winner choice, and found the highlight of the evening to be a tribute to the King of Schlock Television: Aaron Spelling. Dang he did a lot of bad shows that I am totally embarrassed to admit I watched.
Anyway, if anybody even cares, here's my recap of the major awards of the night...
One last thing before I go... can somebody please explain all the critical acclaim for Curb Your Enthusiasm?? I have tried more than a few times to get into it, and think it's total shit. Absolutely one of the worst f#@%ing shows I've ever seen. I would rather set my pubes on fire and jump in a barrel of gasoline than watch one minute of Larry David acting completely stupid on this awful, AWFUL, show. I see utter crap like this clogging the airwaves and drown in despair that shows like Wonderfalls and Dead Like Me were cancelled while this wretched excuse for comedy remains on the air.
I fully admit to being a smart-ass bastard.
It's almost impossible for me to be anything but a smart-ass bastard considering how totally brilliant I am. In fact, I'm so smart that I can't even pretend to be a dumbass. I'm just not that good of an actor. Coming to terms with the fact that even my ass is smarter than 95% of the general population has saved me from a lot of heartache and grief. If I didn't have such realization about my talents, I would probably break down and cry every time some idiot decides to berate me for my pointing out their intellectual inadequacies.
Like today.
I was at the mini-mart picking up my Coke with Lime this morning (on sale: Two for Two Dollars!) when some stupid bitch pulls up next to me... IN THE HANDICAP PARKING SPACE!! She doesn't have a handicap parking permit, and obviously doesn't have a physical handicap...
DAVE: It must be mental.
STUPID BITCH: Sorry?
DAVE: Your handicap... it must be mental.
STUPID BITCH: I'm just buying a pack of cigarettes and'll only be a minute so why don't you mind your f#@%ing business! Are you the f#@%ing retard parking police? Who the f#@% are you?
DAVE: Oh good, so you you do realize you're parking in the wrong spot then.
Yeah. And knowing that she has the mental capabilities of a piece of navel lint, here is my reaction to her rantings...
Seriously, how else could I possibly react? Like I give a crap about anything this white trash dipshit has to say?
I know people who have to use handicap parking since it's very difficult for them to walk even short distances. When some lazy whore takes the only handicap parking spot because she doesn't feel like walking an extra twenty yards, that means she could be causing physical harm to somebody who needs it more than her lamer ass.
I think it's only right that she be made aware that she's an ill-manered bitch.
Being a smart-ass is such a thankless job.
I did nothing but work today.
I got up in the morning and worked. I took a shower, got dressed, drove to work, and worked. I came home, sat in front of the television, and worked. It's just now 11:00pm and I have at least an hour left to work. In-between all that, nothing even remotely interesting or noteworthy happened. Usually a day like today makes me regret my decision to post an entry at Blogography every single day. Because when nothing really happens, there's nothing really to write about. It's at this point I usually start surfing for some kind of meme or quiz to post, but I just don't have the time.
So instead I'm just going to recite a quick 10-minute story that came to mind this morning...
Nearly a decade ago, I was doing design-for-hire contract work for an agency out of Seattle. It was a fascinating job, because I was always guaranteed a wide variety of assignments. I could be designing a catalog for clothing one day, an advertisement for a shopping mall the next, and a business report for a bank the next. It was a never-ending parade of nifty jobs that I enjoyed very much because it was always something different.
One day I got a call from the head office back on the East Coast. They were having problems assigning a project that nobody wanted, and had to start calling Seattle designers to see if they could find somebody for the job. Immediately intrigued, I said I was interested and asked to know more about it.
Turns out that it was for packaging design WITH matching instruction booklet for some kind of specialty home colonics kit.
I was surprised at first but, never one to back away from a challenge, I took the assignment.
Two days later I received the complete colonics apparatus along with a page of typewritten instructions and the company's current packaging (which, by the way, was a plain brown box with the product name hand-stamped on it). Anxious to get started, I borrowed an anatomy book from the library and set out to sketch some ideas.
Thanks to the miracle of fax machines, my sketches were sent the very next morning along with my notes.
Overall, the client was happy with my ideas and loved the economical approach I took for the new packaging structure, but needed me to adjust the line drawings in the instruction book because they were drawn at too severe an angle. They wanted more of a side-view because they felt the customer would have an easier time understanding how to use it properly. To assist me in understanding the process, they gave me the phone number for their "customer support line" and told me to call for guidance...
CUSTOMER SUPPORT LADY: Hello and thanks for calling! How may I help you?
DAVE: Hello, I am a designer working with your product and need some advice on what kind of angle I should be using in the instructions.
CUSTOMER SUPPORT LADY: Ah. I can see where you might think the angle is a problem, but usually the real problem is that the tip hasn't been lubricated properly... are you using plenty of lubrication?
DAVE: (attempting to be humerous) Uhhh... if I lubricate the tip, I worry that my pencil might slip out of my fingers.
CUSTOMER SUPPORT LADY: Excuse me sir, but where exactly are you inserting the unit?!?
And, because of that, I laughed my ass off this morning when I was reading the Q-Tip box and saw this warning: DO NOT INSERT INTO EAR CANAL. The perfect wise-ass response... just nine years too late.
I've done something I've never done before... I've joined a Fantasy Football League.
I'm not into pro sports at all, so this has high disaster potential written all over it. But the league was started by Brandon over at Down With Pants, so it promises to be a good time even if I end up getting my ass kicked.
If nothing else, I have a cool team name...
So now I'm suited-up and ready to play. Well, I would be if I could get my pre-draft order set. Apparently Yahoo! Sports has a problem with Apple's Safari web browser. I can't scroll in the pick lists. Hopefully FireFox will work out, because I'd rather take leftovers than have to suffer through using Windows Internet Explorer.
So wish me luck. I'd be very happy to win the $10,000 Grand Prize that Brandon is offering up!
Okay, yeah, I just made that up. But if by some miracle I manage to win this, I would totally deserve $10,000.
P.S. Can somebody tell me who Vincent is blowing on Project Runway that he hasn't been eliminated yet? Two weeks ago his laughably bad craft project somehow knocked the hottest girl off the show. Then last week he actually managed to WIN with that piece-of-crap disco-collar disaster. Now this week he stays in the game with a boring pantsuit? Angela's crap may look stupid, but at least she actually puts some effort into being unique. Something tells me it's going to be Laura, Uli, and Michael to the Final Three.
Lately it seems that I am entirely out of the loop on just about everything. I don't know if it's because I'm just so incredibly busy, or I've just become indifferent to the world around me. Probably a little of both.
Never was this more vividly clear than when I got an email telling me that the fourth season of Scrubs is due to be released on October 10th... and I didn't even know that season three had been released. This may seem like a petty thing to be upset about, except I have been waiting for the third season to drop for YEARS now. All because it has one of the best episodes of comedy/drama ever seen on television. The episode is called "My Screw-Up" and features a return of guest-star Brendan Fraser as Dr. Cox's best friend and ex-brother-in-law...
Don't let the fact that Tara Reid also guest stars, fool you. That this show did not win an Emmy for best writing is what finally confirmed that the Emmy Awards are a complete sham, and I've never trusted them since. Soooooo... I know this is late, but if you have not seen My Screw-Up, you owe it to yourself to hunt it down and do so. Buy Scrubs the Complete Third Season set (it's all good), or rent Disc 2 from Netflix or Blockbuster or whatever... just see it.
In other news... let this serve as fair warning that I will be guest-posting over at Hilly's blog this weekend. Do I know what I am going to write about yet? No. I don't write my entries ahead of time, so what happens is your guess as well as mine. All I do know is that the thought of Lil' Dave meeting up with Lil' Snackie is a very, very dangerous idea that is begging to be explored...
Heaven help us. Heaven help us all.
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