Posted on Friday, September 1st, 2006
Today I had a craving for a cheddar on sourdough sandwich and decided to run home for lunch so I could make one. Usually I am too busy to go anywhere, but I was so relieved to have my appetite back that I didn't care.
You see, I've barely been able to eat anything for the past two days because I accidentally tuned in to a TV show about plastic surgery and completely lost my appetite because I couldn't stop watching.
On the show, some mother was giving both her daughters the gift of plastic surgery for their birthdays (or whatever). The 17-year-old just wanted breast implants, which was horrifying enough. The older sister wanted a "blue-plate special" which involved getting breast implants, nipple relocation, liposuction to her neck and torso, and HUGE F#@%ING CHUNKS OF HER BODY CUT OFF OF HER STOMACH! I am not joking... they cut off these massive slabs from her stomach region, then sewed her back together. It was all pretty brutal, because they nearly had to turn her in-side-out to do the work. I nearly died.
And, if you read this entry, then you already know what happened to my testicles...
What's bizarre is that they left her arms and legs untouched, so this is what happened...
Sure she was overweight before, but now she's disproportionately weird-looking with jumbo arms and legs on a slimmed-down torso (and breasts that look like balloon animals). They never showed her ass, but I'm guessing it's the same story since they didn't liposuction it. I hope everything evens out eventually because... uhhhh... yikes! She looked better before the surgery.
And it all begs the question: WHY DO THEY PUT THIS FREAKY SHIT ON TELEVISION, AND WHY CAN'T I TURN THE CHANNEL WHEN THEY DO?!? Nothing good can come from watching it! Nothing!
My appetite may be back to normal, but I think my testicles have a few days yet before they are back to their usual massive girth.
Posted on Saturday, September 2nd, 2006
After getting out of the movie Crank (which has the distinction of being embarrassingly stupid and totally entertaining at the same time), I went to reserve a copy of Lego Star Wars 2: The Original Trilogy for both Xbox AND Nintendo DS. Considering the first Lego Star Wars was one of the bestest games ever, I simply had to do it.
I know that it's probably a mistake to get overly-optimistic, but the sequel looks even better than the original! Probably because it's based on the "real" Star Wars instead of the totally crappy "prequels" that sucked major ass. I've been spending a lot of time over at IGN drooling over their game coverage and snagging cool shots like this...
Sweet! It's Lego!! It's REAL frickin' Star Wars!! I am brimming with anticipation.
Now it's time to get back to work while watching a few more episodes of Veronica Mars: The Complete Second Season on DVD. My favorite quote so far... "The only way I could make $2000 a week at the coffee shop is if they installed a pole!"
Posted on Sunday, September 3rd, 2006
This entry was originally posted when I was guest-blogging over at Hilly's blog.
Hello Hilly fans! My name is Dave and I'll be guest-posting today while Hilly is tearing Vegas a new one. You may know me from such videos as "Beaver Hunt 2: Stud Factor" and "Power Tool Loving Sluts" or such blogs as "Everybody Loves Dave" and "Blogography".
When Hilly gave me her password last week, I safely tucked it away until Sunday when I promised to post an entry. But today after work I logged-in only to find out that my blog mascot had already been here goofing around with Hilly's blog mascot over the weekend. There was a stack of Polaroids of Lil' Dave and Lil' Snackiepoo waiting... only a few of which I am able to post without TypePad suspending this blog...
If this is the type of behavior that Hilly's mascot is into... what in the hell must she be up to in Vegas?
I, for one, am relieved that she is not posting from Sin City. There are some things we are better off not knowing.
Posted on Monday, September 4th, 2006
Happy No-Labor Day, bulleted for your reading pleasure.
• MUTHERF#@%ING SNAKES ON A PLANE! I finally saw SNAKES ON A MUTHERF#@%ING PLANE today. It couldn't possibly live up to the hype, and it really didn't. The problem is that it's supposed to be a suspense thriller... but, in reality, not so much. It's like the writer/director didn't know the formula... 1) Something startling but harmless happens. 2) There's a moment of calm for the audience to catch their breath and be thrown off-guard. 3) Then something TRULY shocking happens, smacking the audience in the face and scaring the crap out of them. Sure it's formula, but it WORKS. The movie wasn't bad and turned out to be a great way to kill an afternoon... but could have been so much better in more capable hands. Like mine, for example.
• GO GO GO! Just noticed that OK Go's brilliant music video for Here It Goes Again is now available at the iTunes Music Store.
• BAD MONKEY! Yesterday I was guest-blogging over at Hilly's blog and today Jenny left a comment asking who is watching Bad Monkey while Lil' Dave is away. That's a good question! Turns out nobody is watching after him...
What?!? BAD MONKEY HAS TAKEN UP SMOKING!! BAD MONKEY! BAD, BAD MONKEY!! And they're Marlboro Reds too! Sure the cigarette companies have to spend money educating children as to the dangers of smoking... but what about the monkeys?
• STUPID-ASS ANNOYING COMMERCIALS! Television advertising is expensive and difficult to do correctly. It has to be impactful enough to get attention, clever enough to be memorable, and unique enough to be effective. But really stupid f#@%ing idiots seem to confuse impactful, clever, and memorable with ANNOYING! Screaming kids, people crunching on breakfast cereal, bad music... and now I've got "moo" to deal with. I'm sitting here working, minding my own business with the television on in the background when all of a sudden screeching at full volume is "MOO! MOO! MOO! MOO! MOO! MOO!" piercing my eardrums...
It's a commercial for the Puyallup Fair and has a little girl in a cow suit mooing. I suppose it's supposed to be cute, but it's really just ANNOYING! WTF? You think that pissing people off with your dumbass commercials is going to entice them to visit? Needless to say I won't be attending... even if Depeche Mode is having a concert and Elizabeth Hurley is appearing nude.
• RETRACTION! Obviously, that was a lie. Even if Elizabeth Hurley were appearing fully-clothed at the Puyallup Fair, I would be there. Probably for Depeche Mode too.
Posted on Tuesday, September 5th, 2006
The replacement for my dead Mac Pro arrived today and works flawlessly. This means that my day has been spent setting up the machine, installing software, and not much else.
Oh... except I killed a man.
Sadly, his death wasn't permanent. It was imaginary. The good news is that I am not going to prison for murder, the bad news is that the rude bastard is still alive. I do, however, maintain that anybody who cuts in line at the bakery deserves to die, and I was perfectly within my right to bludgeon him with a baguette until he was dead, DEAD, DEAD!!
Except that there wasn't a baguette at hand, and so I stood there silently trying to burn a hole in the back of his head with my secret mental powers.
And isn't that always the case? There's never seems to be a baguette around when you need one.
Posted on Wednesday, September 6th, 2006
Today was not a good day.
My car has recently fallen out of its extended warranty so, naturally, everything has decided to go wrong. But not really. The problems were there BEFORE the warranty expired, but Saturn refused to acknowledge them. I complained about shuddering when I came to a stop. Saturn blamed the tires I bought at Les Schwab... when I went to Les Schwab, they said Saturn was insane because everything was perfectly balanced. Other problems I raised were poo-pooed away like I was a chronic complainer.
So now that I am having to foot the bill, I refuse to give Saturn another dime and took my car to the only shop I trust... Midas. They do exemplary work at reasonable prices, and I feel I can trust my local franchise. It turns out I am not a chronic complainer, my concerns were all real. I guess Saturn just wanted me to wait until my warranty expired so they could charge me for the work.
My car has UNDER 50,000 miles on it and is falling apart. Guess I won't be buying another Saturn.
Anyway, Midas does a bunch of work on my front brakes and suddenly my shuddering problem is gone. There's $500 I had to spend that should have been covered by Saturn. Even worse? Midas replaced my air filter because it was horrendously filthy. Never mind that I just had my oil changed a month ago at Saturn, they apparently don't bother to check the simple things like other lube & oil places do.
And on Friday I get to take my car back to Midas so they can fix an exhaust problem that I ALSO complained about back when my car was in warranty. There goes another $400 that should have been covered.
Oh well. At least Midas offers a lifetime guarantee to their work so I won't have to worry about this crap again. I guess that's more that you can say about the overpriced service at Saturn.
Posted on Thursday, September 7th, 2006
Five months ago I was going to quit blogging. Between the horrors of finding a hosting company that wouldn't screw me and the never-ending onslaught of hate mail and spam I was receiving each day... I had just had enough. Blogging wasn't fun anymore and I wanted out.
But then a little boy stopped to tie his show in front of my car one day and everything changed.
This morning I was driving on that exact same road and came upon a cat that was laying in the middle of my lane. A black cat. I slowed down thinking he would move out of the way as I approached, but he didn't. He looked up at me until I came to a stop, then started licking himself. He wasn't going anywhere.
"Huh." I thought. "Perhaps this is a sign to have a break from blogging. Maybe I should be taking the time to stop and lick myself?" (errr... metaphorically speaking). So I swerved around the cat and continued onward, all the while thinking that maybe a nice vacation from Blogography was a good idea. I'd take the rest of the year off and return to my daily writing on January 1st.
But then I read on Karl's blog that he has declared a "Quitting Moratorium" and my blogging vacation was ruined.
Thanks a lot Karl.
Later in the day I had work in Spokane. But when I got there, things weren't working out as planned, so I had to turn around and come back home. This basically meant that I just drove a 6-hour roundtrip for a slice of pizza.
Most people would be upset by this. But it was a slice of the Best Pizza In The Known Universe, so I wasn't upset at all. I once drove an eleven-hour roundtrip to visit a Hard Rock Cafe, so crazy stuff like this is nothing new to me.
Except now I'm tired and need to go to bed.
No DaveToon for you.
Posted on Friday, September 8th, 2006
When I went home to pick up my forgotten wallet, I was greeted by a small white butterfly. She was randomly flapping around like she was on crack, and I spent the better part of the afternoon trying to imagine what that stupid butterfly was up to. Did she accidentally fly into a window and get mentally damaged? Or was she just in a happy mood and needed to dance around like a fool? I couldn't decide whether I should laugh or feel sorry for her...
I feel the same way when I happen upon really, really, really stupid people stumbling through life like they're on crack. Do I laugh because their ridiculous exploits are mildly entertaining? Or do I feel sorry for them because their lack of smarts is so severe that they're unaware of just how stupid they are?
Then it was the dickhead screaming into his bluetooth headset at the post office.
And then today I get an email from some daft bitch telling me that my Ask Dave Widget is akin to divination, which is an occultist tool of the devil. Oddly enough, this is not the same woman who told me I was "stealing glory from God" by wanting to build a monument to my greatness.
I think all I can do is laugh.
Posted on Saturday, September 9th, 2006
You know how when you get smacked in the balls there's that fleeting state of euphoria where you think "oh jolly good... it's not going to hurt after all" — until a second later when the overwhelming pain surges through your body so badly that you throw yourself on the ground and beg for death to take you? Not that I'm in the habit of getting smacked in the balls on a regular basis, but the few times it did happen left a real impression.
Anyway, this is the exact same feeling I get when I use Microsoft Windows.
At first I get that slight tinge of euphoria and think "it's not going to hurt after all" until a second later when I realize that a drive letter has been mysteriously re-assigned by the OS, and all my links are broken. Then I'm down on the ground begging for death to take me as I scream "Argh! My balls! My precious balls!"...
Ah yes... kicked in the nuts by Windows... AGAIN. This happens so often that my testicles start aching every time I hear that annoying Windows startup sound (much the way I have an orgasm when I hear the Mac startup sound).
When Vista is released, I'm investing in an athletic cup.
Posted on Sunday, September 10th, 2006
My primary election ballot arrived in the mail and was promptly tossed in the garbage. Why bother filling it out and paying for a stamp if my vote isn't going to count anyway? You see, here in Washington State, we are on a "pick one party" system for primaries. This means that you MUST identify yourself as a Republican or a Democrat and then confine your votes to those parties.
Which basically means that if, like me, you are NEITHER a Republican or Democrat, you are forbidden from voting for who you consider to be the best candidate independently of their affiliation. If you do so, you're your ballot is not counted. This is supposed to prevent tampering with an opposing party's election results, but that's a load of crap. Somebody from one of these parties is getting put on the final election ballot but if you're not a member you don't get a voice in who that might be (even though you have to live with the results). Nope, here in Washington you are either Democrat or Republican and failure to label yourself as one or the other means your vote doesn't count.
Rock the vote! Be a part of the process! Live democracy! Vote or die!
Call me disillusioned, but between crap like this and our utterly stupid electoral college system, American democracy died a long time ago. I have -zero- confidence that the "will of the people" is represented by what comes out of an election. It's all about money and connections now.
Which wouldn't be a bad thing... if I actually had money or connections.
Posted on Monday, September 11th, 2006
Senseless acts of violence resulting in the deaths of thousands of people did not begin on September 11, 2001 and, unfortunately, did not end there either.
I miss the World Trade Center Twin Towers. Yes I am saddened at the loss of life that was suffered that day, but the Towers were such a visual representation of a city I love that it's hard not to be despondent by their loss as well. Every time I see an old movie of New York... every time I watch a re-run of an episode of Friends... every time I view old photos of the city... I see the Twin Towers standing there and cannot help but feel saddened. They may not have been the most architecturally interesting structures on the planet, but the gap in the NYC skyline is a constant reminder that we are a hateful, violent species seemingly incapable of understanding each other and living in peace.
Prior to 9-11, I visited the "Top of the World" (which is what they called the South Tower observation deck) three times because it truly did feel like you were standing on the top of the world, and was the best view in the city. I remember the experience well, and still have some film I shot from my first visit to NYC...
Looking South from the Empire State Building
Looking North from the World Trade Center towards Midtown and Tower 1.
Looking South from the World Trade Center towards the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island.
I suppose I should consider myself lucky that I got to experience the "Top of the World" while it still existed. But all I can think about is that I will never be able to experience it again, and of all the people who will never have the chance.
Though even that's never enough of a distraction to make me forget the senseless loss of life that occurred and the ever-escalating violence that's responsible for it all.
I wish it were.
Posted on Tuesday, September 12th, 2006
Today was supposed to be a good day. Lego Star Wars 2 (the sequel to my most favoritist video game ever!) is in release. The ORIGINAL (CGI crapfest-free) Star Wars movies are out. Apple is announcing some (hopefully) cool new stuff. What could possibly go wrong??
Uhhh... yeah. Pretty much everything.
First of all, Apple's big-ass media event was crap. They're selling movies now... which would be a good thing except that they are selling shitty 640x480 DRM-infested versions that nobody in their right mind will buy. Pay $9.99 to $14.99 for a low-res film? Are you insane? Far better to put that money toward a DVD that you can rip into any resolution you want and view wherever you want. Where is a widescreen video iPod so we can watch movies the way they were MEANT to be watched? That tiny SQUARE iPod screen is fine for watching a music video... but an entire movie?!? WTF??
UPDATE: For those who question how I could possibly think that Apple's claim of "near DVD quality" is "shitty"... here's a comparison of actual DVD resolution to that which is sold in the iTunes Store. An almost 25% reduction in picture information, which I think is considerably less than "near" when it comes to quality (note that this graphic has been shrunk to 420 pixels wide to fit my blog, but the proportions are correct)...
Now, on an iPod's tiny screen... it's no big deal (and the file size is smaller, which is nice for portables with limited storage)... but blow that up to an HDTV with Apple's new "iTV" device?? Yeah. We have a problem.
iTunes 7 looked promising, but the new "automatic album art" feature worked on very few of my actual songs. For example, Alan Parsons Project is well represented on the iTunes Music Store but, since they don't offer the "Anthology" album for sale, the artwork isn't available. None of the other new features will be of much use to me, and I think the user interface is actually a step backwards. Even worse, audio that played fine in iTunes 6 keeps cutting out in iTunes 7 for reasons unknown.
About the only thing to come out of the media event that sparked my curiosity is the new iPod Shuffle. It's even more compact and wearable than the brilliant original version. Naturally, I want one...
Next we have the re-re-re-re-release of the original Star Wars trilogy (i.e. "the good one") on DVD. What's special about it this time around is that they are including the "ORIGINAL-original" films where Han shoots first and all the extraneous CGI shit isn't there to distract you. I should be happy, right? After all, this is what I've wanted ever since I got a DVD player years ago, isn't it? WRONG! What I EXPECTED was that LucasFilm would clean up the originals and provide us with an anamorphic (widescreen) transfer. What they actually did was do a quick-n-dirty transfer of the same letterbox crap that they put on LaserDisc decades ago. Well thanks a lot George, but go f#@% yourself. I know that you consider the "new and improved" crap to be the definitive version of the films, but why couldn't you have taken the cleaned-up version of the original and give us an anamorphic version that doesn't suck donkey balls? Haven't you ever heard that "anything worth doing is doing right?" Or is this yet another ploy to take money from the fans and then suck us dry five years from now when you re-re-re-re-re-release the original films as anamorphic?
Lastly, I drove 20 minutes into the neighboring city of Wenatchee first thing this morning so I could be first in line at Target to purchase Star Wars Lego 2: The Original Trilogy for Xbox and Nintendo DS. Target has a special deal where you get a $5 gift card with each SW2: TOT game you buy (while supplies last!), which saved me $10 and made me happy. I rushed back home and played them a bit before work and have to say that they are AWESOME!! Better than the original by far (probably because the source material is so much better!). It's not the most challenging game ever, but I was laughing my ass off and having a great time, which is all that counts...
Screenshots swiped from the excellent IC Games site.
Cute as hell.
What was really surprising is how amazing the little Nintendo DS version turned out. The graphics are terrific and the sound is just amazing. Toss in the multi-player goodness, and you've got one of the best handheld games I've ever played. If you've got two cartridges, you can do Wireless 2-Player Co-Op Mode... otherwise, up to 4 people can play "Bounty Hunter Battle Arena: Search for Han Solo" off of a single cartridge! Brilliant.
So, with all this praise for Star Wars Lego 2: The Original Trilogy, what's so lame about it?
I don't have time to play it (insert frowny-face here).
Posted on Wednesday, September 13th, 2006
Apparently there are people out there who were issued a driver's license without being educated as to proper procedures and laws of the road.
An example... do you know what to do when you approach an intersection and see a flashing yellow light like this?
If not, here's a f#@%ing clue for you...
FLASHING YELLOW MEANS SLOW DOWN AND PROCEED WITH CAUTION!
IT DOES NOT MEAN F#@%ING STOP!!
So when I come up behind your idiotic ass and you've stopped at a caution light because you're too f#@%ing stupid to know the difference between red and yellow... well, I'm probably going to lay on my horn until you get the hell moving.
SO DON'T STICK YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE WINDOW AND FLASH ME A DIRTY LOOK WHEN YOU'RE THE F#@%ING DUMBASS. I swear, one of these days I'm going to buy that f#@%ing gun...
I have accepted the fact that I am totally blameless for my road rage, and promise not to feel bad when I f#@% up your shit.
Surely there's a temporary insanity defense for these situations?
Posted on Thursday, September 14th, 2006
"I Can Forgive Her, But I Don't Have to Because She Screwed with My Chickens."
Woo hoo! Let the Fall television season begin!
Posted on Friday, September 15th, 2006
How is it that people can live as if they will never grow old?
I'm walking over to the bakery and end up crossing the street opposite an elderly lady who is having a bit of a tough time walking. But, to her credit, she's slowly making her way across the street with a smile on her face. I cannot help but admire her fortitude in bypassing a scooter cart in favor of walking when it's obviously difficult for her (though, given the criminal state of healthcare for the elderly, maybe she can't afford a scooter and has no choice but to walk).
Sadly, not everybody feels the same way.
There at the crosswalk inside a giant redneck pick-up truck is some ass-wipe revving his engine at her.
If it weren't so sad, it might be funny. I mean, she can barely walk... the only way she could possibly move any faster would be if the dumbass were to hop out of his truck and carry her across. But there he is, revving that engine up as if the old lady will suddenly start running to get out of his way.
Out of respect for the woman, I didn't scream obscenities at the f#@%er, toss a garbage can through his front windshield, then slash his tires... but I sure wanted to. A pity I didn't have a knife on me or I definitely would have thought twice about ruining his shit.
And because of all this, I've decided to embrace my Scottish Heritage and start wearing a kilt...
As a descendant from Clan Munro of the Scottish Highlands, I've got my own tartan pattern and even a bad-ass Clan Badge...
Look at that golden eagle... doesn't he look like he's about to kick some ass? And what about that motto... "Dread God"... that's pretty serious (meaning "Fear God"). Clan Munro has some hefty balls to be flashing that around!
But, back to the point, the reason I want to start wearing a kilt is that part of the ceremonial kilt dressing is what's called a "Sgian Dubh" which is Gaelic for "Black Knife." It's a totally sweet pointy dagger with a bitchin' black handle that you tuck in your sock. If I were to start packing that around, I'd always have something handy for slashing the tires of inconsiderate rednecks who rev their engines at old ladies.
As a side-benefit, you also get to have a "Sporran" hanging from your belt to put stuff in. Yeah, it's pretty much just a man-purse... but I figure if you're already wearing a skirt, what have you got to lose? It looks big enough to hold my Nintendo DS and a pack of smokes* along with my wallet!
* Okay, I don't smoke, but anybody who goes around slashing tires of rude bastards should probably at least act like they do. Being a bad-ass tire-slasher looks so much cooler when you have a cigarette hanging from your mouth.
Posted on Saturday, September 16th, 2006
I've done quite a bit of traveling over the years and find, for the most part, that people are pretty much the same wherever you go. Sure they may speak a different language or have different customs... but everybody everywhere breathes, eats, drinks, loves, hates, sleeps, and poops. Despite any differences you can call out, humans will always be more similar than they are different. The more places I go, the more I find this to be true. But still, it's the diversity that makes this world such an interesting place, and all those little differences keep traveling the globe so I can seek them out and experience them (see my map).
But every once in a while you come across a difference so baffling that you find it hard to wrap your head around.
I was flipping through television channels and landed on some kind of concert on BBC America. It was an extravagant affair with thousands of people packed in an arena. At first I thought it was a Madonna show, but I didn't recognize the song she was singing. Then they zoomed in for a close-up, and I had no idea who it was...
TiVo tells me it's Kylie Minogue.
And so I'm sitting there thinking "WTF? THE 'LOCO-MOTION GIRL' IS SELLING OUT ARENA SHOWS IN THE U.K.?!?"
I barely remember who she is, and go scrambling to her Wikipedia entry so I can find out what exactly I've been missing. Turns out that Kylie is a massive, massive pop star everywhere except in the US. After postponing this "Showgirl Tour" I'm watching for breast cancer treatment last year, she is resuming the tour this year in November. It's an admirable story, but the real shocker was to come...
Kylie sold out her two January 2007 shows at London's Wembley Arena in six minutes.
SIX MINUTES? They kept adding dates until they had six in London and six in Manchester... all of which sold out immediately. In her native Australia, I'm guessing it's just as impressive. And yet here in The States, people barely know who she is. For some reason, I find this more shocking than even the wildest cultural differences I've encountered in foreign lands. I guess I've always assumed that pop trends like this were kind of universal. But Kylie, like soccer, has somehow escaped US attention.
I wish that were true for half the crap they play on the radio.
But still, Kylie's got some pretty good dance beats, is entertaining in concert, and actually seems to have some talent... kind of a shame that Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton can sell records here but she can't.
Posted on Sunday, September 17th, 2006
Yes, my header graphics have been redesigned. I was quite happy with the old "look" but, for reasons I am not going to elaborate on just yet, it was time for a change. The random DaveToon in the corner is meant to give visitors something different to look at on each visit. But now I'm finding that there a lot of people who just continuously refresh the page until they see them all, so I figured I might as well save them the trouble and post all twenty of them here. Spoilsport.
Speaking of DaveToons, I got a terrific email from a guy who got in trouble at school for printing out the one where Bad Monkey is smoking cigarettes and pasting it on his notebook...
How cool is that? I'm corrupting American's youth!
Well, if it's any consolation, Bad Monkey is chewing ten sticks of Nicorette gum and burning through a dozen nicotine patches every day in an effort to quit...
See kids, it's best to just not start in the first place.
Posted on Monday, September 18th, 2006
Avitable has run across a meme too intriguing to resist. Unfortunately, it's a long, difficult, time consuming meme... which wouldn't be a bad thing, except I am preparing for TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY and don't have the time to spare. DANG YOU TO HECK AVITABLE!!! The idea is to come up with your 25 most favorite television characters that aren't cartoons or puppets (see, I told you it was tough).
I managed to come up with 96.
Once I weeded out the hottie chicks that had no other reason to be there, I was left with 54. Then it got really difficult. How do you narrow it down? What's the criteria? Eventually I found myself mostly picking out characters that were smart asses or quirky or otherwise oddly entertaining.
The complete list is in an extended entry...→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Posted on Tuesday, September 19th, 2006
Avast ye mateys... 'tis "Talk Like a Pirate Day" today! It be a proud day indeed for we pirate-lubber folk. Me an me monkey be drinkin' grog and pillaging the worthless bilge rats of this shanty town. 'Tis only a wee matter of time afore we be claiming our treasure and sailing the high seas...
Whilst we be out seeking me fortunes, I be givin' ya a new port of call. One of me favorite bloggers, Peggy Archer be havin' a beauty of a new site for ye all to plunder! It be called "Abandoned Couches" and she be usin' a fine treasure of a couch from Blogography's home port here! So shiver ye timbers and be payin' a visit smartly to this fine pearl of a site before me be dropin' anchor in yer scurvy lagoon, ye sea dogs! AAAAARRRRR!
Aye! Me barnacles need a scrapin' so I be off!
Posted on Wednesday, September 20th, 2006
Some total f#@%ing douchebag threw five kittens out the window of a moving car in Kirkland. One died at the scene, two were rescued, and two others are missing (and probably hurt, scared, or both). I am of the opinion that anybody this f#@%ed up should be shot in the head because, let's face it, if you torture innocent animals for kicks then you have no business living. Those who have no respect for life... any life... doesn't deserve it for themselves. If there is any justice in this world, this total loss of a human being will be tracked down and tossed out the window of a moving car into the path of an oncoming truck.
Anyway, before I go tearing off to Seattle, I thought I would post my entry for the day because I don't know if I will have internet access. And since I've gotten quite a few queries as to how I go about drawing my "DaveToons" I thought I might as well write about the creative process that goes into each drawing for anybody who's interested.
STEP ONE: ROUGH SKETCH...
Once my entry has been completed, I determine if I need a toon to make my point, and decided how to best capture the imagery of the story I am trying to tell. I then rough out some sketches so that I can best make a selection. Usually this is a single toon, but sometimes more. For this example, I've selected the DaveToon which appeared here on August 3rd...
STEP TWO: RESEARCH...
With my initial rough sketch drawn out, I then scour the internet looking for photographic references so that my illustrations will be as accurate as possible. Since the toon I'm working on in this example shows an idiot getting a pole shoved up his ass, I'll spend considerable time hunting for photographs of street signs and asses so I can have a starting point from which to start drawing. Research is a critical step, and can take several hours if not days...
STEP THREE: COMPUTER RENDERING...
At this point, I often consult with a special effects house like LucasFilm's Industrial Light and Magic or an animation studio like Pixar for some computer-aided design work. This allows me to examine the scene from all angles and select the best vantage point to depict the action. This step usually costs tens of thousands of dollars, but the expense is well-worth the price because of the valuable insight I get out of the process. How deep does the pole go into the ass? At what angle does Lil' Dave have the best leverage? All of these factors are easy to calculate with a good computer model to work from...
STEP FOUR: ILLUSTRATION...
Using my notes, sketches, photo research, and computer renderings, I then begin the actual drawing process using Adobe Illustrator. Every detail is painstakingly recreated using simple shapes (squares, circles, etc.) that are combined, stretched, warped, and sculpted. I then use the pen tool to redraw those areas where simple shapes don't properly construct what I am trying to draw. As an example, the ovals I used to illustrate the ass did not look as good as the photo reference I researched, so I have to redraw each cheek by hand...
STEP FIVE: COLORING...
All that's left to do is pick colors for each part of the drawing and add any needed text. This is usually done as I go rather than waiting until the very end. That way I can be sure that colors which end up next to each other are distinct and work well together. Sometimes I'll use gradient shading to get a more 3-D look, but usually I don't have the time and have to resort to flat shading like I did this time...
And there you have it! The actual drawing part takes about 5 to 10 minutes per toon depending on how much material I was able to re-use from older drawings. But once you factor in the research, computer design consultation, and brainstorming, the average DaveToon takes about three weeks to complete.
And why do I take such time, care, and expense to be sure each DaveToon is the best it can be? Because my readers demand it, that's why... the bastards!
Errr... except YOU. I'd never say that about YOU, because I just love YOU!
Posted on Thursday, September 21st, 2006
My back got thrown out yesterday, and I'll be darned if I know how.
There I was just walking down the street when all of a sudden my back seizes up and I am in unbearable pain, hobbling along the sidewalk like I'm 90 years old.
It kind of pisses me off. I mean, if my back had been thrown out while I was pushing a car... or climbing Mount Everest... or doing something even remotely interesting... I would be okay with it. But WALKING?!?
So now I am doped up on muscle relaxers and pain killers and don't feel much like blogging.
Instead, I feel like...
A pity that I don't have a podcast, because I am doing an awesome rendition of Madonna's "Holiday" at the top of my lungs right now.
Probably because the song is playing on my television's 80's music channel and I've dropped the remote just out of reach. Maybe it's the painkillers talking, but this song totally rocks.
Posted on Friday, September 22nd, 2006
In what can only be described as "a blissful turn of events," the amount of hate-mail I've been receiving from this blog has dropped to near-zero. With the exception of the occasional nut-bag who leaves a nasty comment, I haven't seen a good piece of deranged email in months!
Until this morning, that is.
It all seems to begin with the new Aaron Sorkin television show Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. In the premiere episode, Matthew Perry's character rants about Pat Robertson being a bigot and goes on to compare his "700 Club" show to a Klan rally. This, needless to say, upset a lot of people. And one of these "people" decided to go on a Google crusade, and consequently stumbled across Blogography because of a freaky combination of words found in my archives.
Now, as anybody who has read this blog for a while knows, I despise Pat Robertson. I loathe how he spreads hatred, mis-information, and violence across the globe all in the name of his freaky interpretation of Biblical verse and his personal brand of Christianity. In fact, I think that if Pat Robertson were to be judged by his actions, he is one of the least "Christian" people I have ever seen. He's not a religious leader at all... he's a douchebag with an audience that has no problem calling for the assassination of foreign leaders, condemning victims of natural disasters, and persecuting anybody who thinks differently than he does. But this is all okay, because God tells him he's right...
Apparently people like me who disagree with this dumbass are (naturally) going to hell, and this guy had a burning desire to write and tell me that. It was a fascinating discourse which says I could be forgiven for THIS... but not THIS or THIS. The good news, however, is that there's still hope for me if I can turn to The Bible and find my way to Pat Robertson's particular flavor of crazy.
Which is kind of funny, because I've read through The Bible a number of times and distinctly remember it saying how you should run away from hateful idiots like Pat Robertson.
But whatever. I actually appreciate people who send email like this because it almost makes me look sane by comparison.
Anyway... I took the trouble to draw a DaveToon for yesterday's entry, but forgot to post it...
I don't think that the "Material Boy" look is very flattering for Lil' Dave. Maybe because he hasn't got the breasts to fill out that bra?
I probably should have bypassed Madonna's "Lucky Star / Like a Virgin" eras and went for the "Erotica / Vogue" years.
Posted on Saturday, September 23rd, 2006
Lately I've been addicted to the line of 3-in-1 body wash/shampoos from Philosophy. I was given a set when a friend moved away and recently rediscovered them... I then bought a couple of new bottles that arrived this week.
Nothing perks up your morning faster than washing up with yummy flavors like "Hot Chocolate" or "Cinnamon Buns" or "Frozen Lemon Custard". It's also kind of nifty that my first decision of the day gets to be something as entertaining as "do I want to smell like a Key Lime Pie or a Waffle Cone this morning?"
But today, for some strange reason, I couldn't decide on a flavor. Rather than stress about it, I mix-n-matched to create my own. Here's the "Dave Chocolate-Strawberry Ice Cream Cone" I came up with...
It's one part "Strawberry Milkshake" with one part "Hot Chocolate" and two parts "Waffle Cone". Pretty sweet! The smell washes away fairly quickly after the suds disappear, so I don't have to smell like this all day.
This is probably a good thing, because tomorrow I'm going to try out "Dave Fruit Loops" with equal parts "Strawberry Milkshake," "Key Lime Pie," "Frozen Lemon Custard," and "Mimosa".
Sure four flavors are a tricky maneuver to manage while in the shower, but I'll be even more delicious than I usually am!
Posted on Sunday, September 24th, 2006
Most of the Elizabeth Hurley Google News Alerts that fly across my desktop now-a-days have to do with the fact that Liz is planning to wear 13 dresses on the occasion of her 4-day wedding which is taking place in England and India.
Depressing? Yes. But a bit of happier news occasionally pops up.
Such as Ms. Hurley's appearance at Elle magazine's 21st birthday party...
The amount of force that's bearing on that tiny little clasp must be enormous. I can't even imagine the mathematics you would use to calculate the stress levels. Perhaps there's a subset of quantum physics devoted to Elizabeth Hurley's breasts I should be studying?
My back is feeling much better now, as I am able to make it through the day without getting drugged up.
I suppose that means I should stop taking the painkillers.
Posted on Monday, September 25th, 2006
I don't know if it's because I've been in pain and have had an overwhelming work load or what... but lately I've been wanting to destroy quite a lot of people. It seems that just about everybody I meet is in desperate need of dying and I have no idea what to do about it.
Except kill them, of course.
But, in addition to laws that frown upon such activities, I also try to live my life according to Buddhist principles which are opposed to killing for any reason. Even if the person is incredibly stupid and deserves it. Stewie on The Family Guy always makes death and destruction look like so much fun, so perhaps I should give up my beliefs and get into politics?
Something has to be done.
Because this morning I woke up very early, worked for a while, then decided to take a nap before going into the office. It was a great plan which, unfortunately, was foiled by the dumbass geriatric husband & wife neighbors who like to scream at each other. Usually I can ignore them, but this time they woke me up up and I was furious. I tore open the window and screamed "SHUT THE F#@% UP!" in their direction, hoping that they would at least have the decency to go inside and tear into each other like normal people.
Little did I know that some of my elderly neighbors were observing the mayhem directly under my window.
All of a sudden I was the new topic of conversation, which hasn't happen since my car alarm went off eight months ago. This opens a new can of worms that I really don't want, so I decide to give up on sleeping and hop in the shower before one of them decides to come knocking.
When I leave, the old couple has found something new to yell about, and one of the neighbors is waiting. "Was that you with all the screaming this morning?" she asks. "No ma'am" I reply, "I think you have me confused with our neighbors." This is not the answer she wanted because, of course, she knows it was me but, short of calling me a liar, all she can say is "Well, some people around here need to be watching their mouth!"
Yeah, she needed to die quite badly too.
Posted on Tuesday, September 26th, 2006
I just found out that I can have Elizabeth Hurley, and it will only cost me $1500.00!
Well, not really... but it's the closest I'm probably ever going to get.
Somebody is selling what they claim to be the original "Vanessa Kensington Fembot" model from Austin Powers 2 on eBay. Except the hair looks redder and he's calling her "Jessica Kensington" for some reason. As most of you probably know (and shame on you if you don't) Vanessa was played by the incomparable Ms. Hurley in the first Austin Powers film and had a cameo at the beginning of the sequel where we find out she's really a Fembot!
Pretty amazing. And she has an off-switch! I wonder who the lucky bastard is that has the job of building battery-powered women for a living?
And now, I'm off! After a three-and-one-half-hour drive, I'll be back home for a blissful four weeks (knock wood).
Posted on Wednesday, September 27th, 2006
I do not like to shop. Therefore, I do not like the mall. And, let's face it, once you've been to Mall of America, all other malls kind of pale in comparison anyway. But I had time to kill while I was waiting for work yesterday, so off to the mall it was.
Which was a mistake.
Because mobile phone carrier competition has reached such absurd levels that salesmen are happy to chase you down the mall screaming "HEY BUDDY! HEY! WHAT CELL PHONE DO YOU HAVE? NEED A BETTER PHONE?" Having been through this before, I know better than to answer, and try my best to run away before I get the urge to take their phone and kick it up their ass.
Anyway. Since I didn't go to the mall to buy anything, I instead do what I usually do... I observe.
Eventually I ended up walking into a jewelry store so I could try to figure out what typeface they used on their signs. While I was there, I overheard some poor bastard trying to buy an engagement ring. From appearances, this was a hard-working, blue-collar gentleman who didn't know anything about jewelry, but did know that he loves a woman enough to want to marry her. He loves her so much that he is willing to sacrifice a massive chunk of his precious income so she can have something pretty to show her friends. He looks at a ring and thinks not about all the things he has to give up in order to buy it, but what he will gain because of it. It's hopelessly romantic and incredibly sad at the same time.
It reminded me of when Liz over at Everyday Goddess wrote about letting go of the engagement ring, and I have to wonder how it came to be that proving the depth of your love is intrinsically linked to how much money you can spend. Then I take the time to actually read the signs I was looking at, and everything becomes clear. It's shame. Jewelry manufacturers shame you into it. If you love somebody, you prove it by buying gold and diamonds... love alone isn't enough. Suddenly I don't see the romance in it at all, and am just sad.
It all balances out though, because as I was leaving the mall, I saw this little gem of a wall calendar...
What's interesting here is that all of the photos are older shots where she was brutally hot... none of the newer, anorexic, meth-addict-looking photos are included...
Toxic taco photos stolen from Avitable.
And with Lindsay flashing her coochie everywhere she goes, I have to think that this calendar would be a serious disappointment to its intended audience of horny 12-year-old boys who have become fans of something other than her movies and music.
Music that makes. Me. Want. To. Scream. (In an extended entry, that is)...→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Posted on Thursday, September 28th, 2006
As a Certified Apple Whore, I bought a first-generation iPod the minute it became available. I then went on to buy an assortment of other iPod models because Apple owns my ass. I have not, however, purchased a video iPod because the screen is too small for extended viewing. Until they manage to make a model with a larger screen, I'll just have to make due with my iPod nano, iPod Shuffle, and third-generation iPod.
But now Microsoft has come along with a media player of their own called "Zune" which features a larger screen and other toys that the iPod lacks...
It will come as a surprise to nobody that I will not be buying one of these. The REASON I will not be buying one, however, probably will be surprising...
So what is it? What possible reason is keeping me from buying a Zune? If you care, the answer is in an extended entry...→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Posted on Friday, September 29th, 2006
This year, I'm stuck at home in a place where Screech has a scary-ass sex tape out, Clay Aiken has another shitty album out, and a sneak peek of the brillant Veronica Mars season premiere is out... kind of.
It's a trifecta of horrors on a Friday night...
I DON'T WANT TO SEE THIS CRAP! Annoying nerd-boy Dustin "Screech" Diamond from that totally forgettable television monstrosity Saved By The Bell has a sex tape out. Apparently, he's involved in a tape trading ring with "high profile people" where you get points for doing freaky shit and videotaping it. Now, I have no problem if people are into this kind of stuff... because, until the Constitution is completely rewritten, everybody in the good ol' USA has the right to get their freak on... but why would anybody want to see a tape which features SCREECH in any kind of sexual situation?!? Fortunately for us, President Bush will soon have the power to declare scary crap like this to be an "attack against America" and have creepy sex pervs like Screech interned and tortured.
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS CRAP! How in the heck does somebody like Clay Aiken sell records? To say that his "music" sucks ass is a declaration of such absurd understatement as to be laughable. His latest album of cover-tunes is everywhere and you can't turn the channel without having to listen to him totally butchering some old song in horrifying new ways. I DARE you to fire up iTunes and subject yourself to his ass-blasting renditions of once-beautiful songs like Mr. Mister's Broken Wings and Foreigner's I Want To Know What Love Is or Paul Young's Everytime You Go Away. Holy crap! The least Clay could do for his "fans" is shit all over his own songs rather than take a dump on classics.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS CRAP! The best show on television, Veronica Mars, will have its season premiere on October 3rd. But, in a very interesting turn of events, the entire first episode is available for free viewing on the internet right now! This is awesome news! Unless you are a Macintosh user, in which case you can go fuck yourself! That's right, boys and girls... instead of using a format everybody can enjoy, the new CW Network has handed this totally sweet deal over to MSN which means, unless you are running Windows with Internet Explorer 6 and Windows Media 10, you are out of luck! Using a Mac? Go fuck yourself! Using Linux? Go fuck yourself twice! What's totally lame is that Mac users CAN view the ass-kicking opening scene from the episode by going directly to CW TV's site. But all that will do is leave you hungry for more, which you can't have unless you are a Windows sufferer. The reason I don't want to talk about this is because the CW Network was nice enough not to cancel Veronica Mars... for which I am eternally grateful. But I find it somehow ironic that Veronica herself and most all of the other characters on the show use Macs, thus wouldn't be able to watch their own season premiere online.
Why is it that total suckage always comes in threes?
Posted on Saturday, September 30th, 2006
Blogography is proud to participate in Pink for October all next month.
Now you know the reason for the header change I made a while back. The old headers weren't able to be "pinkified" enough to show much support, so it was time for a change. Breast cancer has touched some very special people in my life, and helping to raise awareness is important to me. But going pink is just the beginning. There's more to come in Breast Cancer Awareness Month from Blogography, so watch this space to see how you can help out (and possibly get some cool stuff to boot!)...
Dave & Bad Monkey love healthy boobies! Schedule your mammogram today!
For more information on National Breast Cancer Month, visit the Susan G. Komen Foundation.