Yesterday I wrote about my... um... "experience" when I ate two Beyond Burgers instead of my usual one. In case you missed it, my "experience" was explosive diarrhea.

Am I discouraged? No. I will still be eating Beyond Burgers, just in moderation. The taste is too good to be true, and it's the best veggie burger I've ever had. Even if I can only eat them one at a time.

But what about their latest product? Take a look at this...

I was never much of a steak connoisseur, even when I ate meat... 40 years ago April. Probably because, unlike hamburger, steak looked too much like meat. But I am interested in having something new, so I'll be giving it a try.

Once it's in stores.

Because right now it's only available in a 10/$100 at the Beyond Test Kitchen.

Which is tempting, because the reaction has been pretty positive...

I just worry that eating one will cause my ass to explode, so I'd rather wait so I'm not flushing $100 down the toilet.

Literally.

One Beyond Meat "Stack" Burger? Delicious! Wonderful! One of my favorite things to eat! Seriously, I like them better than an Impossible Whopper, which is something I didn't think was possible.

"Diarrhea after eating Beyond Meat is often caused by the product's high fat content (coconut oil), fiber, or specific, highly processed ingredients like pea protein and methylcellulose, which can cause digestive upset. Users reported symptoms like stomach cramps, nausea, and vomiting."

Well alrighty then!

Guess I won't be eating my "Stack" burger... um... stacked, because that was a never-ending experience I don't want to re-live any time soon. Fortunately my medicine cabinet was stocked up with Imodium. This is an excellent dieting tool. It forces you to eat only one. And if you can't resist and end up eating more than one, then you'll shit yourself stupid, thus you'll end up with the calories of less than one!

I gotta say, this is a crazy turn of events. For my entire life I've traveled the world eating dicey foodstuffs from even dicier places and was never worse for wear. But now I cook a veggie burger and end up glued to the toilet.

Say! Maybe Beyond Burgers could be used as a delicious colonoscopy prep! And now...

   
DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS POINT! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED! TOO MUCH INFORMATION FOLLOWS!

Do you want to know how I knew it was the Beyond Burgers causing my explosive diarrhea? It smelled like Beyond Burgers! My bathroom reeked of deliciousness! Kinda. I guess.

Insomnia has been kicking my ass, but I'm not letting that stop me... because an all new Bullet Sunday starts... now...

   
• Punch-kun! I ran across the tragic story of the macaque snow monkey "Punch-kun" because I still follow Japanese news. Punch was abandoned my his mother and took comfort in an IKEA stuffed orangutan named "Djungelskog." There were numerous photos of the poor little guy doing his best to find acceptance and love from a plushie...

But then, after days on his own, he finally got a hug from one of his troop...

So that's nice. Especially after the shit-show of a week we've had.

   
• Whither Pixar? When Onward was released in 2020, it was a turning point for me when it came to Pixar. With one exception, I didn't like any of these films. And I never really understood why. I never bothered to search my feelings to understand what it was about Pixar that was turning me off. Then this morning I saw this...

And there it is. The reason there's one exception to Pixar from 2020 onward? It's because I've been to the coastal Italian towns which inspired the film Luca. I have a personal connection to the movie because I can draw on an experience that I've had. It's also why I can like a movie like Elio, but not fall in love with it.

   
• Dave Smash! I've been a big Morningstar Farms fan since becoming vegetarian decades ago. I veered away to Boca Burger for my burgers because they had superior taste and mouthfeel, but after Kraft bought them out and fucked up the recipe, I went back to Morningstar Grillers. They aren't great, and you have to know how to cook them so the texture isn't awful, but at least I'm not gagging them down. And then... Beyond Meat released Beyond Stack Burgers...

Now, I should say that Beyond does make an actual smash burger product, but they're not sold near me and aren't meant to be frozen (though you can), which means you have to eat them the day you open the package. The "stack" version always come frozen and are meant to stay frozen until used. Which means I don't have to eat them all after opening the package. But anyway... I found that I can get the Beyond Stack Burgers locally (well, 25-minutes away locally, but still). I absolutely love these burgers. A little high in sodium (260mg per patty), but not atrocious. They also cook weird, with a strange foamy residue in the pan, but the results are tasty enough when you smash them that I just don't care. As a bonus, Beyond has packaging that actually works... unlike shitty Morningstar Farms packaging which I hate, hate, hate.

   
• Thor Tells Jokes! I really want to see this standup as a special... where is Netflix when you really need them?

Hearing this makes me want to watch Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King again. It's a highly personal work which happens to be very, very funny. And touching.

   
• The Dow! The Dow! This is an absolute banger...

I couldn't even watch the hearing because Bondi is a gaping fucking asshole. Instead of using her position to serve the American people and seek justice, she's conspiring to protect child predators. She's such a massive pile of lying fucking shit that any time she speaks I see red, so I don't put myself in a position to watch. Thanks to this video, I can see the highlights in a way that doesn't make me want to hide under my bed and start screaming.

   
• SANDIWARA! Given my love of all things Michelle Yeoh, I was thrilled when a friend shared this with me...

The comments having people saying this should be a Malaysian tourism video. I cannnot disagree. This definitely makes me want to visit Penang (I've only ever been to Kuala Lumpur in the country).

   
• Finalizada! Basílica i Temple Expiatori de la Sagrada Família... AKA the Sagrada Familia basilica, is finally nearing completion. After 144 years...

Fascinating. I've visited Sagrada Familia three times over a 20 year span. It never seemed like it was any closer to being completed. Now that we're so close, it feels like it might be time to visit Barcelona again. Not that I need an excuse... it's one of my favorite cities on earth.

   
• Sci-Fi Entertainment! This list isn't perfect, but dang if it doesn't make me want to re-watch every one of these films...

Even though I've already seen all of them more than once. Some of them many times.

   
And now back to needing more sleep.

When I became a vegetarian in 1986, there wasn't the abundance of fake meats that there is now. Since I've never been a big tofu fan, this made for tough meal-planning. I ate a lot of Garden Burgers. A lot of cheese sandwiches. Some salads. That was my diet and I was fine with it.

But there was another food I ate quite a lot of... rice.

Specifically, Farmhouse Mexican Rice.

I was (and still am) a massive fan of Mexican food. I needed a substitute for meat in Mexican dishes. One day I goofed around with making enchiladas with Mexican rice and was soon using it for everything. On tacos. On nachos. On taco salads. Everywhere. It was a miracle for food diversity for me...

I've been eating this same box of rice for decades.

Until I couldn't any more.

Last year I found that I couldn't find it at my local grocer. Nor could I find it at non-local grocers. Or online. In a panic I went to the Farmhouse website and saw that it was still there. I just couldn't buy it anywhere. Via Googling I found outdated rice some places, but also found that other people weren't finding it as well.

Pretty sure Farmhouse has discontinued it.

Which is awful for me.

I've found many Spanish Rice mixes (which are not the same)... and a few other brand Mexican rice mixes... but none of them are what I'm looking for.

So now I've been working with recipes to try and find out if I can make it myself. Which is tough because the Farmhouse mix has ingredients which you never find in regular recipes, and that means that they're likely contributing to the taste in subtle ways that I can't figure out. Yet.

One day I'll crack the code. At least I hope so.

In the meanwhile, I'm really missing the Mexican foods that I can't make the way I used to.

It's Koogle all over again.

What the fuck is taking McDonald's so long to roll out the McPlant veggie burger nation-wide?

It's been THREE YEARS. They can't get their shit together in THREE YEARS? And why in the hell would you debut it in Texas, of all places. It seems like the percent of the population who's vegetarian/vegan in Texas would be fairly low compared to other states...

This is so embarrassing.

Though... the only reason I give a shit about the McPlant is because it's closer to me than the incredible Impossible Whopper at Burger King. Otherwise, I'd be eating at Burger King all day long because not only did they release their vegetarian option nation-wide, but they did so years ago, and it's fucking delicious.

Earth Day! Which means it's been... um... 38 years since I've eaten meat. THAT I KNOW OF! Because do we really know what's in an Impossible Burger? How do they make it taste so good and meaty? Is it because there's meat inside?

And now? A question. Is this what a parent feels like when they accidentally drop their baby down the stairs?

When I got home, I sat down on the couch to answer personal emails. What I did not see was Jenny sneaking into the room. And I really didn't see her jumping on the back of the couch as I was reaching for my Coke Zero. She jumped into my elbow. Clocked her hard and she ran off. I was mortified. Followed her to her hiding place to check and make sure nothing was broken. Then left her alone.

I called her to dinner and she came down, but was wary of getting near me. She wasn't limping or appearing hurt, so I just let her be. And I've been feeling awful ever since.

Just now she came in and wanted to be petted. So I'm thinking where she hit was on her head and now she has memory loss. Poor thing. I would have been inconsolable if I hit her eye or caused some damage. Hopefully it's something she can just shake off.

And speaking of shaking it off...

There's still something going on in my urinary system. Don't know if it's another, smaller, kidney stone... a piece of the last stone which broke off... just an injury from the passing of the last stone... or lupus.

I feel the need to toss lupus in the mix because that's what House M.D. would want.

But life has to go on, so I popped a couple Advil this morning and went back to work. That's not what House M.D. would want, but he isn't paying my mortgage.

As a vegetarian, today is far from "Turkey Day" to me.

I haven't eaten meat for over 37 years, but I was never much of a turkey guy to begin with. I'd eat it... but at a 50/50 ratio with jellied cranberry. I also didn't care for steaks, ribs, sausage, ham, pork chops, chicken, or any kind of seafood. The only meats I did like were hamburgers, bacon, and pepperoni. That's it. Everything else was eaten reluctantly.

Turns out I was predisposed towards vegetarianism from the start. But discovering Buddhism was what it took to push me over the edge.

I'm rather happy with the vegetarian alternatives to hamburger and bacon. And, believe it or not, I was never a fan of hotdogs until I discovered the vegetarian variety.

There is no adequate vegetarian substitute for pepperoni.

If there was, that would be something to be thankful for.

My allergies are of the itchy, watery eyes and runny nose variety. Nothing life-threatening, but certainly a horrible inconvenience when I am trying to, you know, LIVE MY LIFE as best I can while doped up on Benadryl all the time.

Where I do have a life-threatening condition is when my idiopathic angioedema gets triggered and my mouth, tongue, or throat swells up so badly that I can't breathe. Usually, if I am awake, I can feel a tingling before the swelling happens so I know to take my massive pills filled with antihistamines to reduce the severity of the swelling before it happens. But if I am asleep? I wake up in a world of panic in the middle of the night... then have to dig out my epi-pen from my bag in case the swelling endangers my life.

I've actually only had to use the epi-pen once. It was not a fun experience. I felt like I had been hit by a truck, then passed out. When I woke up the swelling had subsided enough that my breathing was okay enough to not worry.

As the swelling is ideopathic, there's no known cause and it can happen at random.

But there is one thing which can trigger a reaction more reliably than others... mushrooms. No idea why. It took me a while to figure out that fungi can cause trouble for me. And it's odd, because I never ate mushrooms as a kid... I only discovered I liked them when I was an adult.

But anyway... I used to carry epi-pens with me everywhere just incase I (or somebody else) needed to use one.

But then the cost of epi-pens became so outrageously expensive that I stopped carrying them after they expired. I decided that I would just be more careful about not eating mushrooms and stop eating well before bedtime so I can be sure there wasn't a food I ate going to trigger any swelling.

As I understand it, you can buy generic epi-pens for a reasonable cost... or maybe it's to order them from Canada or something. I never thought to do it because I've been doing just fine. But recently I saw a video which makes me think that I need to seriously look into it.

This is kinda a crazy story. And a happy coincidence that Dr. Mike was on a flight when a guy had a serious problem...

If I were on that flight and had an epi-pen, it would have been really handy.

In other news... a tick bite can cause a meat allergy? I had heard of this, but never knew it could have deadly consequences like this.

One more reason I'm happy to be vegetarian, I guess.

   
Don't be too sad that your weekend is half-over... because an all new Bullet Sunday starts... now...

   
• Season FIVE! I did not know that Magnum P.I. was picked up by NBC!!! HOLY SHIT!

This is one of the most consistently great television shows going, and I'm happy to know more Higgins is on the way.

   
• LIE! I can't remember if I shared this when it first dropped a while back. If I didn't, I should have, and so here you go...

Mark Kacy's creations are always funny, but this one is next level.

   
• New Balance! I finally watched the Season 01 finale episode of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds for the second time. Lord how I love this show. And this final episode is a MASSIVE love letter to fans of The Original Series. Absolutely perfect. If you didn't see the original episode which this one is based on... Balance of Terror (one of my all-time favorites)...

You really should track down the episode and watch it first. Your appreciation for the brilliance of Strange New Worlds will be deepened.

   
• Hey, Jake! It took me a minute to understand why this character was given the name "Jake"...

Funny. Unless you're the cow he was cut out of, I guess.

   
• The Boys Go Back, AGAIN! The Boys kinda-sorta works better as a TV show than a comic. EXCEPT... where the comics tend to break ground in shocking and unexpected ways with absolutely nobody being safe... the Amazon Prime series is gutless and pathetic because they are happy to keep treading water. Characters die, but it's always the ones who aren't contributing to the main narrative. They're "main" characters only so far as they've been hanging around... not because they're actually doing anything...

And the third season finale just fell into the same rut that the first two did. You know exactly who will make it to the end of the episode because they've the ones who aren't background fodder. Everybody else? Eh. They die and it just doesn't matter. What's so hilariously stupid is that the writers are not even remotely clever about how they maintain the status quo. Characters with a singular motivation from Day One just discard such motivation at the drop of a hat. It doesn't matter if it makes no sense and doesn't serve the story... it only matters that it keeps everything exactly the same. Ugh. I don't even care if we get a fourth season. Why should I care when I already know how it will end?

   
• Morningstar Madness! I don't get why MorningStar Farms insists on having such shitty, confusing packaging. Last time I was at the store, I ended up with Spicy Black Bean patties because they accidentally got stocked in the wrong bin at the store. I can't really blame the store, because ALL OF MORNINGSTAR FARMS PRODUCTS LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

So this time I went to the store, I was very careful to read the packages so I could grab a couple of the "Grillers" burgers. But when I get home I found that the package in front was Grillers... but the package behind it was the Spicy Black Bean patties... again. So now I have one package of Grillers and four packages of Spicy Black Bean burgers in my freezer. For fuck's sake... ADD COLOR IDENTITY TO YOUR FUCKING PACKAGING SO PEOPLE CAN TELL THEM APART YOU STUPID FUCKS!! HAVING EVERY LAST FUCKING ONE OF THEM BEING GREEN WITH A PURPLE BOX ONLY LEADS TO NON-STOP CONFUSION BECAUSE PEOPLE CAN'T TELL THEM APART! I mean, holy fucking shit... JUST LOOK AT THIS FUCKING MESS! WHO DOES THIS?!?? Jesus. This is like BAD DESIGN 101.

   
• Giving Education the Finger! A role model to children everywhere! Assuming the education they need is how to be a disgusting piece of shit. She's like the British Betsy DeVos!

Of course I don't know that Betsy DeVos was ever seen giving the finger... but she sure gave the finger to education with her actions. What a repugnant pile of garbage she was. DeVos worked overtime to remove protections for students as bullying is at an all-time high. Any kid who is not a straight, white, Christian got the middle finger every time they walked into a school. And her constant cuts to education spending just made things even worse than they already were. Teachers underpaid? Schools falling apart? Materials outdated? Fuck it! Let's cut MORE money on public schools and give it to charter schools. And let's not even talk about how victims of sexual assault in colleges were stripped of even more protections. Actually... let's talk about it. DeVos made it far more likely that victims of sexual assault would come forward because they limited what "sexual assault" even means... and then made it so that victims could be ruthlessly assaulted AGAIN on the stand. Because, hey, if victims don't come forward... it never happened! And there's SO much more. DeVos was a heinous blight on education and even though I am no President Biden fan, at least he gave us a new Secretary of Education that can dismantle her fucked up shit. BUT WILL HE?? Biden has done some fucked up shit of his own, and there's no guarantee that our situation will markedly improve... they were going to reverse the DeVos cancelation of sexual misconduct reporting in schools... but last I heard, they CANCELED the reversal. So fuck if I know. The wealthy people who own our government want our kids to be poorly-educated drones who never question authority, and that's true no matter who is president.

   
See you on the flip-side, buckaroos.

I wasn't much of a fan of beef jerky even when I ate meat. But it was a treat I became a fan of once I discovered that vegetarian jerk existed. For years I bought my favorite: Nightlife Meatless Smart Jerky, but that got discontinued and my jerky habit ended shortly thereafter. Occasionally I bought other brands... most of which were terrible... but it wasn't a priority in my snacking.

But this past week I had a hankering for it again and decided to see if there was anything new I should be eating. There were three brands I hadn't seen before, so I ordered up some of each. Two of them were awful... inedible awful... but the third one was very good. Beyond Meat's Beyond Jerky...

I was happily mowing through a bag a day... content to have found good jerky again.

UNTIL...

I looked at the Nutrition Facts...

HOLY SHIT! One package has SIXTY-TWO PERCENT of the daily amount of sodium you're supposed to have?? 1420mg!! And the added sugars content is a whopping 26% of what you're supposed to eat in a day! On the plus-side, it's high in fiber and protein, so there's that.

And so I guess this will not be a daily thing after all. Maybe once or twice a week. Otherwise, my blood pressure will likely explode all over, which is not a problem I want to deal with.

Why is it everything that tastes good is bad for us?