Star Wars, as a franchise, is something I love... even when it's bad. Though there's precious few things that I actually consider "bad," because there's always something cool or interesting to be found. I positively loathe The Phantom Menace, but loved the pod racing and ship designs. I also loathed Attack of the Clones, but loved the chase of Sam Wessell in the opening and everything to do with Obi-Wan's story. I thought Return of the Jedi was a massive step down from The Empire Strikes Back, but the big space battle and duel between Luke and Vader were amazing.

Things get more complicated after that, especially with the television series.

The Obi-Wan series should have been a home run. It stars one of my favorite actors, Ewan McGregor, and he is indeed phenomenal in the lead role. And Darth Vader too? Sign me up! But the story was so weak. Not deserving of the character that McGregor made me care about so much.

Ahsoka began as one of my most-hated characters, but once they had her start growing up and getting rid of the annoying sidekick idiocy with "Sky Guy" (Anakin Skywalker) she quickly became on of the best characters in the entirety of Star Wars. And then... then... they cast Rosario Dawson in the role! Her guest appearances in The Mandalorian were too good to be true. So how excited was I for her own self-titled series, Ahsoka? Very. And while the casting and performance and effects were all great, they saddled her with a story which wasn't really her own. It was so jam-packed with other characters that it felt as if she was a guest-star in her own show. Why not just call it Rebels? And then there were positively silly moments that sank it for me... like that crazy spacewalk scene where she battled star fighters. JUST SHOOT THE SHIP!

But oh well. I still enjoyed Ahsoka... it just could have been so much better.

Then, at the other end of the spectrum is the Star Wars television shows I love. The first two seasons of The Mandalorian were good to great. I loved Skeleton Crew, even though I was pre-disposed to hating it because I thought it was just going to be a bunch of bratty kids hanging around Jude Law. Nope! Brilliant Star Wars.

But the pinnacle for me is Andor. The first season was not just some of the best Star Wars ever made... it was one of the best television shows ever made. Period. Very close to one of my favorite things ever, The Empire Strikes Back.

And here comes the second (and sadly, last) season...

Based on the first three episodes alone, I'm guessing that it will end up overtaking Empire for me. It's THAT good...

There's a single line delivered near the end of the third episode which will haunt me for a long, long time. You can't say that about a lot of the stuff you see.

I'll withold my comments until a while after the series airs because I don't want to ruin it for anybody. But, dang... if you're not watching, you should be. Even if you don't care much for Star Wars.

I needed something good today.

And it doesn't get more better gooder than the new trailer for Andor Season 02. No joke. The first season is not just some of the best Star Wars ever made... it's actually some of the best television ever made. Period.

It's dropping April 22, and here's the trailer...

This series is such a gift. That it will end this final season by leading directly into Star Wars: Rogue One (another favorite Star Wars thing I love) is just the icing on the cake.

The videos have been good again this week... because a Very Special all new, all video Bullet Sunday starts... now...

   
• Infinitly Watchable! Looking for your next watch? Black Doves on Netflix. Two episodes in and I didn't want it to end. If you like crazy spy thrillers, this is the one...

Ben Wishaw is genius in everything. Sarah Lancashire is good in everything. And Keira Knightley... here she is a revelation. She doesn't often get roles like this, but she should. This is contender for my favorite shows of 2024. UPDATE: I should mention that if you are playing "The Little Drummer Boy Challenge," you will lose if you watch the beginning of Episode 04.

   
• New Skeletons! Star Wars doesn't have to be just one thing. They can tell lots of kinds of stories within that universe. So if you don't like the latest series, Skeleton Crew, fine. If you can't accept that they are making "Goonies in Space," fine. If it's not "Real Star Wars" without Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker to you, fine. But for the love of God... can people stop shitting all over those who ARE enjoying it for what it is? Hate away if that's what you want, but other opinions exist. And I'm happy to see that the tide is turning on Skeleton Crew now that more and more people have seen the debut episodes and loved them. This is a darn good show and really good Star Wars to boot...

Usually I hate shows with kids because they're written to be whiny, annoying, and unwatchable. This series is different. Great characters that just happen to be kids. Worth a look if you've got Disney+!

   
• All My Love! At 99, Dick Van Dyke is in amazingly good health. Just look at this...

He's also got more marbles rattling around in his head than I do. Incredible.

   
• Woodworking! I loathe ASMR videos (but you do you, if that's your jam). This wonderful demonstration of craftsmanship is what I consider to be the ultimate destress stimulation...

And that's not the end!

Wonderful. I wish I'd happen upon several million dollars so I can retire and do stuff like this all day long.

   
• SQUEEEEEEE! Michelle Yeoh is delicious in this role. I love the movie already.

Of course, she's delicious in every role, so there's that.

   
• Smarty-Bird! Holy shit. Meanwhile, humans are eating paste, thinking the world is flat, and becoming anti-vaxers...

I, for one, welcome our new crow overlords.

   
• Business Partners! Your Sunday dose of happy...

That there are still people who think this is any less valid a love story than any other is kinda sad.

   
Until next week's bullets then...

Now that the heat is on at my house, I am warm enough to blog again... because an all new Bullet Sunday starts... now...

   
• Poh-Tay-Toh! One of my favorite YouTube series is the Epicurious Pro Chefs Taste Tests. I obsess over them because the chefs they get are always great. But my favorite is Jack Logue because he's kinda a void for most of the video... but when he likes something, you know it because he breaks on it. When he finds fries he likes, it's pretty great...

I waffle between Lamb Weston and McCain Foods USA depending on what's on sale, so it's good to know I'm buying the best. Though, to be honest, I am badly addicted to McCain Hashbrown Patties and tend to eat them over fries now-a-days. If you like cooking videos, these are worth a look.

   
• The Oven Bakes Again! My replacement oven arrived and it's very much like my old oven with the same basic features. But it does have one very big difference I love. The stovetop is a solid sheet! No gap filled with rubber to collect crumbs and gunk! It'll be so easy to keep clean!

Other than that, it's an oven. It'll be nice to be able to bake bread again.

   
• The Bold Failure of Kohler! I really hate having messy hands in the kitchen while cooking and needing to turn on the faucet, then getting the faucet all gunked up. So when I remodeled my kitchen, I bought a fancy touchless faucet and paid a plumber to install it. Four-and-a-half years later, and the "touchless" part of my "Bold Look of Kohler" failed. I was going to swtich brands, but stuck with Kohler so I wouldn't have to pay to have it installed. Instead I could use most of what was already under the cabinet, and just replace the main faucet part. The model I had isn't made any more, so I bought one that was similar. And of course Kohler changed everything, meaning I had to start over from scratch any way. And it was more difficult this time because they made some stupid fucking design decisions. Oh well. Saved myself $500 in installation charges I don't have after buying a new oven and a new touchless faucet.

   
• Thunderbolts*! I haven't been this excited for a Marvel Studios movies film since Avengers: Endgame. This looks great!

   
• Cap! And this?!? Also looks very cool!

   
• Star Wars Trilogy Redux! Simon Kinberg has been put in charge of writing a new trilogy of Star Wars movies. And I'm like Simon Kinberg? Hmmm. I mean, he did write gems like Mr. & Mrs. Smith and co-created Star Wars: Rebels... but he's got LOADS of absolute shit on his résumé as well. X-Men: The Last Stand? SHIT! Jumper? TOTAL SHIT! This Means War? SHIT! Fant4stic Four? HEINOUS PILES OF SHIT ON SHIT! X-Men: Apocalypse? ASPIRES TO BE SHIT! X-Men: Dark Phoenix? CAN ONLY DREAM OF BEING AS GOOD AS COPIOUS PILES OF SHIT! — Ugh. This does not sound promising at all. If I am confident of one thing, Kathleen Kennedy is going to continue her streak of shitty fucking Star Wars films. I still marvel that Rogue One and Solo managed to turn out as well as they did given how the sequel trilogy and the last Indiana Jones movie were mostly SHIT! And while I've enjoyed the Star Wars television shows, only Andor is quality enough that I can honestly say I love it. The rest have great moments, but don't satisfy as a whole. The Book of Boba Fett, Obi-Wan, Ahsoka, and The Acolyte could have been SO much better. And last season of The Mandalorian is tired. I sincerely hope that movie doesn't suck.

   
• ! Speaking of some of the best Star Wars ever, the second season of Andor has been given a start date: April 22, 2025. So long to go. But I'm confident it will be worth the wait. The first season is some of the best television I've ever seen.

   
And now I should probably climb in bed and try to get some sleep since I totally failed at it last night.

Continuing on with my recent trip to Walt Disney World... The last time I was in Orlando was September, 2019. The month prior to that, Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge opened at Disney's Hollywood Studios. It was wildly popular. I figured that I would avoid the park entirely and just wait a few months because I was returning in April of 2020. Surely the crowds would die down by then! But then the pandemic happened, and it would be five years before I returned to see it.

The land is still wildly popular and crowded. Existing on the planet "Batuu," the location is called "Black Spire Outpost" and takes place during the sequel trilogy timeframe. Its story says that it was once a vibrant, thriving place but eventually became a kind of backwater trading port that's home to smugglers and sketchy outlaws. AND KYLO REN?? Who is out recruiting visitors to become First Order operatives and trying to root out Resistance spies...

There's also places to shop and eat. My favorites being the Batuu Outdoor Market with little stalls that have souvenirs, and Oga's Cantina, a very cool bar where I got my Smiling Loth Cat Tiki Mug. The entire land is very well themed, and it feels like a physical place. Which is about all you could want as a Star Wars fan.

There are two major attractions in the land...

Millennium Falcon: Smugglers Run...

The story of the ride is explained in the queue and goes something like this... The Falcon is on loan to Hondo Ohnaka by Chewbacca so that he can steal some energy cells from The First Order to help The Resistance. Hondo (which is a fantastic animatronic) is accompanied by the droid R5-P8 (both characters are from The Clone Wars animated series)...

You are recruited to pilot The Falcon to do the job. As you work your way through the queue, you get to look down at The Falcon, which is awesome because it means Disney actually built the entire exterior instead of what you can only see from the ground...

And it's not just the outside, when you finally make it to the actual ride, you're literally inside The Millennium Falcon!

Once you're in the cockpit with five other people, you're divided up into six versions of three jobs... Pilot, Gunner, or Engineer. The pilots are easily the best job. If you're seated on the left you move the ship left and right, if you're seated on the right you move the ship up and down. Gunners and Engineers just press buttons that light up. You're trying to hunt down a flying transport train to blow it open so you can steal the goods. Let's recap, shall we?

The Bad...

• Pilot Error. You all have to work together to get the best score. And some people aren't suited for flying a ship at all. Or, if you're me, you've never done it before. I've played video games, which helped, but it would take 3 or 4 runs as pilot before I'd be any good.
• Mash Them Buttons. It gets worse... the Gunners and Engineers have their control buttons to their sides, but all the cool stuff is happening out the cockpit window to the front. You kinda have to use your peripheral vision to watch for buttons to light up so you can press them. If you don't and just look at your buttons, you'll miss absolutely everything happening on the ride. If you just look out the window, you'll not know when to press stuff. Because of that, I liked pilot best, but it's a high-pressure job because so much is riding on your skill to drive the mission, which cuts the fun a bit unless you've got five other understanding people flying with you.

The Good...

• The Story. Everything going on is nicely planned. It feels plausible within the framework of the Star Wars Universe.
• The Characters. The animatronics for Hondo Ohnaka and R5-P8 are fantastic.
• The Ship. Imagineers did a phenomenal job making you think that you're actually in the original Millennium Falcon. So very, very cool. Every Star Wars fan's dream.

   
And then...

The other ride is Rise of the Resistance. And it's stunning. The first time around, anyway. Basically the idea is that you're recruited by Rey and BB-88 to rendezvous with General Leia Organa. You'll get there by boarding a shuttle with a bunch of other recruits. In a very cool sequence, because the shuttle then blasts off the planet (you see yourself leaving Batuu when you look out the windows). Alas, you're captured by Kylo Ren. You then get forced off your ship to be herded into prison cells to await interrogation. But then... rescue! You're put into droid-driven cars to get you to the escape pods. A wild adventure ensues.

The Bad...

• Reliability. I rode this, then went to ride it again thanks to my having got Extended Hours at Disney Studios. It broke down before we ever made it to the shuttle. Time waiting in the queue utterly wasted, with no Lightning Lane ticket for your trouble. And the ride goes down all the time. They need to drastically look into fixing these constant breakdowns.
• Busted. There are parts of the ride that broke early on and have never been fixed. At one point you're in your car riding past a big space battle as blaster canons fire above you. Except the motion of the cannons is broke. So your car is stopping, reversing, and starting to avoid cannons that aren't even doing anything. It's pretty shitty. The parks are making millions. Fix the damn ride.
• Viewpoints. If you get a good spot, you actually see things that you won't if you don't get a good spot. On the shuttle it's entirely possible to be shoved against the wall where you can't see the ship taking off... or see Mon Calamari in the command center. You may not even know what's going on. Once you're captured and inside the ship, there's a big battle in an AT-AT bay. Where Finn(!) is there to help rescue you. Except if you're in the wrong car or in the wrong spot of the car, you might not even see him.
• The Minor Animatronics. When you are in a room with an entire legion of stormtroopers, you're shocked at first. But then you see that only a couple of them are moving, and the movements are minor. They rotate their head a little bit or whatever. It's kinda silly. More movement would have really sold it, because you spend too much time staring at frozen figures and it doesn't work.
• Re-Ridability. The only reason to re-ride this thing is because you got bad spots and didn't see stuff. Otherwise it's not such a thrilling experience that you'll want to spend 60-90 minutes waiting to ride it again. The best thing about the ride are the massive sets that are shocking to behold when you are first exposed to them. The scale of it all is mind-blowing. But once you know what to expect? There's just not much else there. I did end up riding it twice (on another day since it was busted during my extra hours event), but the second time was kinda meh.

The Good...

• The Shuttle Takeoff. It's simple, but effective. The only thing that could have made it better would have been to have a rumble floor or something to sell the illusion harder.
• The Concept. The idea of you being captured by The First Order, and how they build the story around that is pretty cool.
• The Scale. When I say that the massive scale of some of the sets are mind-blowing, I really mean it. You get deposited into a room that's so huge you have a tough time wrapping your head around it. That's an amazing achievement.
• The Main Animatronics. The Admiral Calamari and Kylo Ren animatronics are stunning. Sure the Kylo figure has a derpy moment when a hole is blasted in the room (he looks like his feet have been nailed to the floor and it looks crazy-stupid) but they're great. Other figures like Finn don't have great movement, but at least they are always moving.
• The Effects. The effects that are working are pretty good. Some of them look expensive (like Kylo Ren coming at you as his lightsaber ignites, which is some kind of screen/practical lightsaber hybrid) and some of them look simple and inexpensive (like Kylo Ren's lightsaber plunging through the ceiling to cut a hole for him to get you). But none of them look cheap (except the ones that are broken, of course).

   
Overall, I'm quite happy with the job they did on Galaxy's Edge. If you're a Star Wars fan, it's an experience to savor. There are things which could have been done better, sure. But for what it is I'm impressed. I actually wish I would have had more time there so I could have eaten at Oga's Cantina. And maybe Docking Bay 7 and Ronto Roasters too. And I am still hoping for another attraction to draw me back so I can eat there one day.

UPDATE: I was curious to know how they managed to get so many people through the queue on Millennium Falcon: Smugglers Run, because the ride only hold six people at a time. I ended up on a Reddit page which had a map that explains it, and I am completely blown away. Turns out there are not six people riding at a time, there's ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY! (plus there looks to be two ADA-compliant cockpits, so I guess it's actually a max of 132 riders possible?). There are four turntables with seven cockpits each. At any given time, one of the cockpits per turntable is loading while one is unloading while five are riding the ride. GENIUS! Just look at this...

While in the ride I guess I remember that there were people standing in different parts of the holo-chess room, I just didn't think about it much because we were waiting there to get in the line at the cockpit door. Even if I did realize it, I would have sworn there was just one cockpit behind each door! This actually explains a lot, because they have groups of riders stacked up at each door at all times. Not because they're just being "ready to go," but because they are constantly loading new groups as the turntable rotates into position. I don't have the words for how smart this is. They can keep a steady stream of guests riding and yet the guests really have no idea what's happening unless they Google it like I did! Kudos to Disney Imagineering!

I'm in the middle of upgrading my closet, but it's time for a break... because an all new Bullet Sunday starts... now...

   
• What is that? Let's start with the funniest thing I've seen all week...

This video short may be better than Revenge of the Sith!

   
• Super! Supacell is the Netflix series that Marvel Studios and Disney+ wish they had made. The only super-hero-television-show I've enjoyed more was Hawkeye. This show is exceptional. Where did they find these actors? I don't know that I've seen any of them before, and they're all so amazing. As if that wasn't enough, the show looks beautiful. Truly movie-quality gorgeous. Sure, the budget for the special effects isn't huge, but they make the most of what they had... and you're not looking at a shitty CGI wankfest every scene...

Absolutely worth your valuable time to watch.

   
• Ummmm! So... they're making a television series based on the book Bad Monkey which came out a full decade after the original Bad Monkey from Blogography...

I should sue! Yes! I should totally sue! Except I love Vince Vaughn, so I kinda want to see this show!

   
• Spider-Cat! Well this is awesome...

   
• Section 31! Normalize putting Michelle Yeoh in everything. Everything!

Seeing her in a deliciously evil role is too good to be true.

   
• Fake Ink! I wish to God that movie makeup crews knew how to apply realistic fake tattoos to actors. I am watching a sweet rom-com flick on Netflix called Find Me Falling, and Harry Connick Jr.'s rock star character has the absolute WORST fake ink on him. The lines are all perfectly crisp and the black ink is deepest black... like it was put on him last week. But it's tribal, which means it's at least two decades old...

Every time I saw it I was taken completely out of the film because it looks so fucking ridiculous. Do the people who make these fake tattoos know what an actual tattoo looks like?

   
• It's a Fucking Book! God forbid people be exposed to an alternative point of view. Families come in all shapes, sizes, and configurations...

Books. Like. This. Saves. Lives.

   
• TRON TRON TRON! I've been happy to see a lot of people sharing a meme with brilliant composer Wendy Carlos (debunking the idea that "trans people didn't exist five years ago when she transitioned in the early 70's) . Her TRON soundtrack still gives me chills when I think back to her groundbreaking work in electronic music. What people might not know about her is that after her first album Switched on Bach became a wild success, she was transitioning and terrified that her being credited as "Walter Carlos" on the album would cause problems... so she wore a wig and fake sideburns to appear more masculine at her public appearances...

Since then, all her albums were issued (or re-issued) with her properly credited as "Wendy Carlos." I find it horrific that society is sliding back to a time when trans persons were persecuted and ridiculed so viciously and openly. What has Wendy done to the world to deserve that except spread joy and feeling with her music? What has any trans person done to deserve this? They're just living their lives the best they can with the cards they were dealt. Just like we all are. Seek out Wendy's work. Some incredible stuff out there.

   
Hoping the last Sunday of July finds you well.

I ended up working half of the time of my "vacation" this past week, so I'm actually more tired than if I had not taken a vacation at all. But here I am... putting in the work blogging... because an all new Bullet Sunday starts... now...

   
• Sweet Niblets! I've been a fan of Defunctland for years. The other day I ran across an episode that I have never seen. Which is odd, because it's undoubtedly one of the most famous... solving a mystery that nobody knew needed solving. And it's a roller coaster, and it just gets more fascinating as it goes on. And the finale when the dominoes start falling? And that moment at the end where Kevin drops the bomb on you as to how he decided to honor the composer? chef's kiss It's an hour and a half. But it's brilliant. Just watch it. And if you can get to the end without feeling anything, then you're a stronger person than I am...

Now that's some investigative reporting! A very good episode, regardless of your feelings about Disney or Disney Channel. Because that tidbit about the pre-marketing for Finding Nemo? Holy shit. That's undoubtedly how the whole world works now. Corporations buy politicians to make laws and promote ideas that are setting the stage for their future plans. Corporations pay movie stars and influencers to get people indoctrinated into a way of thinking which suits their goals. It's genius and very sinister indeed.

   
• Useful Vandalism! I don't know why this video was recommended to me, but I am really happy it was...

Given the shitty bureaucracy that plagues life in These United States, I applaud this. It wasn't malicious. It wasn't a distraction. It wasn't superfluous. It was a much-needed addition which had been overlooked for far, far too long. I had to drive in L.A. many times during the "Era of Maps," and I know that I certainly would have appreciated this!

   
• May The Chocolate Be With You! Ooh! Look what I found at the grocery store...

They taste like OREOs, so they're delicious, of course. But the cookie stamps are darn good too...

Just the treat for a Star Wars fan!

   
• Poster! And speaking of a treat for Star Wars fans, this is also a treat for hardcore restoration fans like myself...

A stunning poster beautifully restored. I don't know about you, but doesn't it seem shocking how you can just toss soap and bleach on a printed poster... then pressure wash it... and not have it completely turn to pulp?

   
• Cat Distribution System! Would I give up my entire vacation to some exotic location to rescue an animal?

Yes. Yes I would.

   
• Disposability! I have written on this blog many times about how frustrating it is that clothes I own from 15-20 years ago are still in great shape whereas something I bought last year is falling apart. It is maddening and financially grotesque. We are living in an age where everything is disposable and not meant to last. And now I've found a video that jumps into the why of it all...

And there you go. I gotta say... it is beyond gross how US politicians can't get off their fucking asses and actually DO SOMETHING about this idiotic loophole that floods us with shitty clothes that are created out of exploitation. What the fuck is our government good for if they can't hop on a no-brainer action like this?

   
Now for a much-deserved couple hours doing nothing.

I've mentioned more than a few times here, I try really hard to not have regrets in life (okay, I've probably mentioned it several times... give me a break, I've been blogging for over 20 years!). It's just not worth it to pine away over something you did or didn't do, something you said or didn't say, or somewhere you went or didn't go. Just be happy with what you got out of this life and not worry about the rest. It happened. Or didn't. What more can you do without the ability to travel in time?

That being said...

This is not to say that there aren't things I wish could have happened or not happen for one reason or another. Missed opportunities, if you will.

As an example... I really wish I had visited the Aspen Hard Rock Cafe when it was open. It would have been so easy to do. So easy that I kept putting it off so I could hit the more difficult ones in foreign countries. But then the cafe closed with little warning and my plan to visit every US cafe evaporated. That really sucked. It haunted me for years. Now-a-days, when I've pretty much given up on visiting Hard Rock properties, it's like... meh.

As another example... I really wish that I had visited the infamous "Star Wars Hotel" (AKA Star Wars: Galactic Starcruiser) at Walt Disney World in Florida. I'm a huge Star Wars nerd, and the immersive properties of the hotel seemed like something I would have enjoyed. But it was ungodly expensive, and I just couldn't afford it. My plan was to wait until the newness wore off and the price would (hopefully) drop a bit when Disney needed to draw in more visitors.

Except rather than lower the price when they weren't getting enough visitors, Disney CLOSED THE HOTEL! I was bummed. Just like the Aspen Hard Rock, I had missed my opportunity forever.

And then I saw this video by one of my favorite YouTubers, Jenny Nicholson, detailing her totally fucked and busted experience at the doomed attraction. It's four hours, but time well-spent...

Holy shit!

Thank God I didn't have thousands of dollars to throw away on this awful experience. Knowing my luck, I'd end up with a worse stay than Jenny, and it's not like Disney is going to give you your money back if they failed to accomplish what they promise. At least I assume that's the case. If you go to one of their theme parks and an attraction you were dying to ride is broken down, you don't get part of your ticket price back. Unless you're an influencer with huge social media reach, apparently.

So, yeah, absolutely no regrets when it comes to Star Wars: Galactic Starcruiser.

As it should be.

My obsession with Star Wars is approaching 50 years (in 2027). The original film is a defining childhood experience for me, and I've been reading the books and comics, watching the movies and shows, and playing the games ever since.

Being a Star Wars fan can be a frustrating ordeal because there has been so much shit shoveled on top of the franchise over the years. But even so, my love of it all triumphs, and I can never get enough of the stuff. Tomorrow being "Star Wars Day" means that I will spend a good chunk of it revisiting things. This year I've decided it will be the five chronological films running from Solo through Return of the Jedi. I had already watched the sequel trilogy back in March. If there's time tomorrow, I will watch the good moments from the prequel trilogy as well (that'll take about 15 minutes).

I also decided to revisit my Star Wars movie ranking chart. But there really wasn't a need, because only one film really needs to be moved...

   
And here's a new run-down of my thoughts on all the movies above...

Solo: A Star Wars Story When I first saw the film, I thrilled to see Daniel Glover's exceptional take on Lando Calrissian... but not much else. The story was too convoluted and was, for the most part, unnecessary for Star Wars as a whole. Yeah, we get to see some of the throwaway stuff from the earlier films, but did we really need to see it? But over the years my opinion has changed. I was able to appreciate it as just a fun story that happened to be in the Star Wars universe as opposed to judging it solely as a Star Wars movie. There's some really cool action sequences and interesting ideas which make it a worthwhile addition to the franchise.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story Given the mess that went on behind the scenes, it's a miracle that this movie worked as well as it did. Lucasfilm/Disney wasn't thrilled with what Gareth Edwards had done and brought in Tony Gilroy to rework it. Entire sequences were added, deleted, and changed. The result is not without problems, but it's a great film and incredible Star Wars. The Battle of Scarif... both on the ground and in the space above... is peak Star Wars for me. Every time I see the movie I go running to YouTube to find the fan edits which focus only on the space battle to disable the shield gate. Amazing, amazing stuff. As if that weren't all enough, you get to see the ultimate Darth Vader sequence and a poignant ending which was a huge punch to the gut that sent Star Wars in a direction that made it something... more.

Star Wars IV: A New Hope The movie that melted my brain as a kid doesn't really hold up in several areas, but is still a landmark movie that I love to an irrational degree. After rebelling against the Special Edition forever, I mostly watch that version now because cleaning up the special effects is just too important to ignore. I am still hoping that one day a version of the film which only cleans up the special effects of the original cut is released in 4K... jettisoning the stupid shit like Greedo firing first and Han meeting with Jabba. That's the dream. I don't for the life of me understand why Disney just doesn't fucking do it already. No need to respect George Lucas's wishes after he's talked shit about them... so just give everybody what they want.

Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back The greatest Star Wars movie in existence by a wide margin, Empire was a serious take on sci-fi fantasy that Irvin Kershner managed to complete before George Lucas fucked up the franchise by making it about selling kiddie toys instead of being about Star Wars. Leigh Brackett and Lawrence Kasdan took Lucas's story idea and made it a mature, smart, nuanced screenplay that worked so beautifully that you got a serious taste of exactly what Star Wars could and should be. Easily in my top five movies of all time, this is what I think about when I think about Star Wars.

Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi Here we go. The first step in George Lucas utterly shitting on everything Star Wars which came before. It's all about kiddie toys now, which is why we get nonsensical teddy bear Ewoks and other unnecessary character additions... plus a long slide into stupid shit like burp and fart jokes. I'm assuming all the coolest stuff... like the final battle between Luke and Anakin, and that epic space battle... were all thanks to Lawrence Kasdan's effort to make something Star Wars fans would actually want to watch, but who knows? While I still love this film simply because it's Star Wars and completes the trilogy, I also loathe it for how it took an unfuckable franchise and so thoroughly fucks it up. All because George Lucas had an agreement to keep all the money from the toy sales, and he wanted money instead of good movies. Which brings us to...

TIME PERMITTING, THESE PREQUEL SCENES...

Duel of the Fates from Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace Look, I'm just going to come out and say it... the prequel trilogy fucking sucks. Stupid, boring ideas revolving around political shenanigans. Groan-inducing, horrific dialogue. Pathological abuse of green-screen. Catastrophic avoidance of practical effects. These are bad fan films, not Star Wars. That being said, there are moments that you love to see. The battle between Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Darth Maul is fun to watch, so instead of torturing myself by watching the entire movie, I usually fast-forward through Anakin's insufferable journey (YIPEEEE!!) and, God help us, Jar Jar Binks, so I can just watch the moments that don't suck. Of which there are precious few.

Bounty Hunter Chase and Yoda vs. Dooku from Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones Everything that sucked about Phantom Menace is in full effect here. Plus... they sabotaged both Padmé and Obi-Wan by making them plain stupid. For the longest time I put a lot of my loathing for this film on Hayden Christensen's crappy, whiny Anakin Skywalker... but after seeing his subsequent appearances in the Obi-Wan and Ahsoka series, it's VERY clear that it wasn't his acting ability that was lacking... it was the shitty script he had to work with. That being said, that thrilling bounty hunter chase after the attempt on Padmé's life through the skies of Coruscant... and that amazing (and unexpected) fight between Yoda and Dooku... both were =chef's kiss=. This movie is filled with so much "if only" that it's almost criminal. The biggest being that we finally had an opportunity to see the Jedi at the height of their power and abilities in the Battle of Geonosis... only to get this massive wet fart of a "fight" which was just Jedi using "force push" a lot and waving their lightsabers in the most boring fucking way possible. I was expecting to see Jedi antics that made it vividly clear why they were so feared and respected. What I got was literally the opposite of that. Boring.

Palpatine Rescue from Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith Despite an abundance of stupid shit and bad ideas, I regularly rank Sith above Jedi because at least the burp and fart jokes were on the decline here. And that opening where Obi-Wan and Anakin rescue Palpatine in the middle of a massive space battle was almost too good to be true. Everything after that was a bit of a mess. Sure we got that infamous fight between Obi-Wan and Anakin, and there was also Yoda vs. Palpatine, but by that point it was really too late to save this movie, which ultimately added nothing we needed to see to the Star Wars story.

WATCHED ALREADY BACK IN MARCH...

Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens The sequel trilogy actually got off to a fairly good start despite some major missteps and too many retread moments from the original trilogy. I liked Rey quite a bit. I loved BB-8. Starkiller Base was a nice escalation of the Death Star. The action sequences weren't spectacular, but were fun to watch. This wasn't a great movie, but it was a good one that I enjoyed. I just wish it were smarter, as too many things about it were weak.

Star Wars VIII: The Last Jedi It's just... why? Rian Johnson is a very capable writer and director. He had a golden opportunity to do something interesting with Star Wars. But this is what we got? This? With the exception of that wonderful sequence where Holdo uses hyperspace as a weapon, the only things I remember from the film are all bad. Poe's child-like defiance. Kylo and Rey's horribly-choreographed battle in the throne room. Luke Skywalker being wasted then discarded for nothing. That stupid-ass casino heist nonsense on Canto Bight. Snoke being thrown out like garbage as if he wasn't originally orchestrated as this massive threat. And, worst of all, stupid fucking SPACE LEIA?!? And then... then... that final sequence with the little boy and the broom completely tossing everything we know about Jedi training in the trash. It's all just so awful.

Star Wars IX: The Rise of Skywalker While this was an improvement over the previous flick, it still wasn't a very good movie. The whole MacGuffin chase for the Sith Wayfinder nonsense made for a mediocre plot. Palpatine's return and revelation that he's Rey's grandpa were plain stupid (assumably since Snoke got killed off last film, this was the best they could do for a villain?). The death and return of three separate characters (Chewbacca, C-3PO, and Rey... and an argument could be made to toss Palpatine, Leia, and Luke in that mix) made it look as if J.J. Abrams didn't have any ideas left. In the end too many moments were fan service instead of story service. Plus there's the relative simplicity that the whole evil plot is wrapped up (not to mention the stupid way it was accomplished), and this was a relatively anticlimactic end to an anticlimactic trilogy that didn't really give us much new to justify it happening in the first place.

   
And that's that for my big Star Wars plans. At some point I really want to re-read some of the best Star Wars books (starting with the Thrawn Trilogy). I definitely want to rewatch the incredible Andor first season before the second season arrives (seriously, if that show were a movie, it would rank right up there with Rogue One for how incredible it is. I think I'd also like to run through the LEGO Star Wars games.

In any event, May the 4th be with you.

The new Star Wars series Ahsoka has done something I never thought possible.

Needless to say, this is going to be a spoiler-soaked post, so keep that in mind if you're one of the few people insane enough to have not spent your valuable time watching this excellent series.

You have been warned.

Actually, I lied. The series managed to do two things I didn't think possible.

• Completely redeem Hayden Christensen's performance as Anakin Skywalker. No joke. Turns out it wasn't his acting that was so horrifically bad... it was the shitty dialogue and script he was trying to work with in the shitty prequels. This is something that not even the Obi-Wan series managed to do. It almost makes me want an Anakin Skywalker series, now that I know he could actually manage to lead it.
• Be accessible even though it really shouldn't have been. This series, even more so than The Mandalorian, relies on people having previous knowledge of all the Star Wars. And not just the movies... the animated series and books as well. And yet... despite not dumbing everything down and hand-holding every step... I still think that somebody who was unfamiliar with any of it would manage to appreciate the show just fine. Truly remarkable. You don't have to know who Ezra Bridger (aka "Space Moses") is, he's just a cool character in the present made all the richer if you know his past. Same for Grand Admiral Thrawn. And even Ahsoka, really. Hats off to Dave Filoni for managing that.

Taking place before the rise of The First Order, Ahsoka dips deep, deep into Star Wars lore in order to explain how The First Order could even happen given that The Empire had just been defeated. Along the way we get Zombie Stormtroopers, C-3PO, and Anakin Skywalker in a time period after he became Darth Vader, but who is actually in flashback form prior to that when he was training Ahsoka during The Clone Wars.

There's also plenty of delicious sci-fi battles with starships, blasters, and lightsabers galore. All very, very cool to watch. It makes me thrilled for Star Wars in a way I haven't been in a while.

Unfortunately there's also a race of turtle people that are every bit as annoying as Ewoks. And the whole Zombie Stormtroopers ordeal was absurd.

But anyway...

One of the best surprises for me was how delicious Baylan Skoll was utilized as a villain despite his limited screen time. He's an entirely new character for the series brilliantly played by the late Ray Stevenson, who tragically passed away after filming (he also played Volstagg in the Thor movies in the Marvel Cinematic Universe). The fact that he won't be able to appear in future Star Wars projects is a gut-punch to be sure. It sure looked like his story was going somewhere interesting considering those were statues of The Ones at the end.

But Thrawn was the villain of the day, and he was everything you could hope for. Cool, calculating, and oh so deadly. I don't know what I was expecting, but certainly nothing this amazing. His history in the Star Wars universe is crazy long and deep. I've read many of the novels, comics, and saw him in the animated series... but I'm acutely aware that I don't even know the half of it. Fortunately I didn't really need to, and knowing the stuff that I do just made him a more realized villain for me. Whatever Dave Filoni has planned for his feature Star Wars film will very clearly involved Thrawn, and I cannot wait for that.

And speaking of...

Ending the series as a cliffhanger is hardly surprising. We knew that a movie would come next. We knew that this was an appetizer for the main course. And yet... still kinda shitty. Although... Ezra's reunion with Chopper and Hera crushed me a little bit. It was so simple and understated that it caught me in all the feels. They could have dragged that shit on for ages, but short and sweet was brilliantly played. I loved that.

No word on if we're getting a second season of Ahsoka once the movie is done. But Lord I sure hope so, because this is absolutely everything you could want out of Star Wars and the best Star Wars Disney+ series by a mile. The Mandalorian faltered a bit in its third season. Boba Fett rang a bit hollow, and Obi-Wan could have been better story-wise, featuring plot-holes big enough to fit the Death Star through.

And now I'm going to resist the urge to watch the series all over again because I think it will hit sweeter if I hold off for six months.