Last night I got an instant message from a guy I used to work with asking me if I remembered "the movie with that crazy singer who tore the panties off the blue woman that had Flash Gordon in it." I get asked bizarre movie trivia questions like this all the time, and am no longer surprised by them (the answer, of course, was My Chauffeur featuring Sam J. Jones, Deborah Foreman, and an appearance by Penn & Teller). What surprised me more was what came next:
"So, did you watch the State of the Union Address?" he inquired.
Uhhh... yeah... this would be me watching the State of the Union Address...
Once the blood stopped gushing from my eyes, ears, and rectum... and my brain stopped melting... and the screaming died down... I'm sure it would have been great fun. But, alas, I had a lot of really important things that needed to be done. Like walking my Nintendog and cleaning out the lint trap in my dryer.
Actually, that's a lie. I just don't want to admit that I'd rather light my pubes on fire and watch every Pauly Shore movie ever made while eating raw sewage than have to listen to President Bush (or most any other politician) speak for more than five minutes at a time.
I tried to at least read through the bullet points of the speech... but once I got to the line "America is addicted to oil" and thought back to how oil companies got 14.5 BILLION DOLLARS in government subsidies, then went on to report record profits... the screaming started again.
This annoys the neighbors, so I decided to give up.
Besides, I really do have to clean that lint trap.
BLOGOGRAPHY FLASHBACK ENTRY: Inaugural
BLOGDATE: January 21, 2005
In which Dave reviews the president's inaugural address, and notes some surprising omissions.
Click here to go back in time...
Last night while I was waiting for a surprisingly tame episode of Veronica Mars, I saw a new commercial for a product called Herpecin. In case you hadn't guessed, Herpecin is used for treating any herpes infections that happen to find their way onto your face. And, while I appreciate that when you get oral herpes there is a product to take care of it...
HERPECIN?!?
Dude! Seriously. Who in the heck wants to walk into the drugstore and ask the sales clerk: "Where can I find the Herpecin?"
Worst. Product. Name. Ever.
But it did get me thinking about what would happen if this trend escalates...
Bleh.
Unfortunately, as wonderful as modern medicine is... THERE IS STILL NO CURE FOR DUMBASS!!
Some stupid f#@%er is suing Apple Computer because listening to an iPod at full volume can cause hearing loss.
WELL NO SHIT YOU MORON!
Here's another newsflash for you... CUTTING YOURSELF WITH A KNIFE CAN CAUSE BLOOD LOSS!!
Who are these ignorant douchebags that are incapable of comprehending the obvious? The iPod NEEDS to have high volumes because NOT ALL MUSIC IS RECORDED AT THE SAME LEVEL! Some music is recorded softer than others. Many audiobooks certainly are. Some of the podcasts I've listened to are barely audible, even at full volume. On top of all that, some people are hard of hearing and need higher volume levels in order to hear anything in the first place. It's up to the individual to determine what volume level is appropriate for them and, if they are too f#@%ing stupid to figure it out, then they shouldn't be allowed to buy an iPod in the first place.
Seriously. This has got to stop.
Whenever a lawyer files such a stupid lawsuit, they should be immediately shot and then lit on fire. Or maybe bludgeoned with metal pipe and forced to choke on their own vomit. Or something involving a hack-saw and flesh-eating parasites. I dunno. All I do know is that this shit HAS GOT TO STOP!
What really chaps my ass is that these greedy turds are filing the lawsuit under the pretense of public safety, but the truth is that they WANT TO GET PAID. LAWYERS WANT MONEY!! Never mind that people have been using headphones for decades, all of a sudden everybody is too stupid and irresponsible to know that loud music can damage your hearing. WTF?!?
At some point people have to be responsible for their own stupidity rather than forcing everybody else to do it for them. That USED to be the American Way. But NOW the American Way is to sue everybody you can. Is this really what everybody wants for this country? Nobody wins but the blood-sucking bastard lawyers.
Anyway, one last thing... do you like potato chips? If you do, you'll want to read the rest of today's extended entry. If you don't like potato chips, then FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE DON'T CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW!!
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
At some point in my childhood past, I had come to the conclusion that I was going to be a doctor.
But then I quickly realized that there is no way I could be a doctor because I didn't have the balls for it.
And when I say "balls" I am not trying to be all metaphorical... I am talking literal "balls". As in my testicles. Because any time I so much as hear somebody talking about blood or injuries or surgery or anything like that... my balls shrivel up and disappear. I think they're allergic to blood and gore or something. In any event, my testicles killed my medical vocation before I even got started. And you can just imagine how traumatizing it is for me to watch an episode of Grey's Anatomy, Nip/Tuck, or CSI.
But just because I abandoned my otherwise promising career as a doctor, I'm still not out of danger.
For instance, my mother had to call and drop this little bomb on me: "I sliced open my finger and had to go to the doctor to get stitches.
GAAAAAAAH!
To understand how this simple sentence affects me... let's take a little field trip to Dyersville, Iowa, home of the Field of Dreams movie site. For the sake of this demonstration (and to avoid being tagged as a porn site), the role of my testicles will be played by these two baseballs in a GLAD brand jumbo-sized food storage bag (with the "yellow and blue make green" zipper closure, so you KNOW it's closed!)...
Once I hear the words "sliced my finger", my baseballs start shivering...
And once I hear the words "stitches", my GLAD brand jumbo-sized food storage bag starts to shrink in horror, taking my baseballs with it...
This leaves me with a pair of baseballs the size of marbles...
Obviously this affliction is a major inconvenience. Doctors have to look at blood and gore all the time, which would traumatize my balls quite badly. So badly that I would worry about them disappearing permanently. And as any guy will tell you (or, if you are a guy, you'd tell yourself) having something happen to your balls is a frightening prospect indeed.
Oh well. This is not the first time that my testicles have made a decision for me.
I'm relatively certain it won't be the last.
Anyway, speaking of balls (you just knew there was going to be a point to all this, didn't you?)...
How big of balls does it take to sell an episode of the TV show Survivor for $1.99... but then have the episode expire after 24 hours? For the answer, let's take a look at what Larry Kramer, President of CBS Digital Media, has hanging...
Yep! Those are some enormously huge balls! They'd have to be huge, considering that the $1.99 episodes you buy from Apple at the iTunes Music Store don't have an idiotic "self-destruct mechanism" that will destroy your purchases the day after you buy them. Once again, clueless people are making stupid decisions that will turn potential customers into criminals. Seriously... who is dumb enough to want to BUY a video that's only good for 24 hours when you can download the Bit Torrent off the internet for FREE that will last forever? The entire point of selling your show legally is to give honest people an alternative to illegal downloading... not ripping them off! Classic.
Congratulations Larry, my hat is off to you and your huge, huge balls!
This entry will self-destruct in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
The fact that I am vegetarian is a source of curiosity for many people. I suppose this is mostly because I am not a "militant" vegetarian who is hell-bent on making everybody else a vegetarian too. It's a choice I made for myself, and I don't force my dietary habits on other people. Since many vegetarians do feel the need to preach their views, this makes me a bit of an anomaly.
I first flirted with vegetarianism 20 years ago as a New Year's resolution in 1986. I only really liked hamburgers, bacon and pepperoni growing up anyway, and so it seemed like an easy step to take. Unfortunately, the local burger joints kept tempting me back to the life of a carnivore, and I never made it more than three months at a time. Come Thanksgiving, I had given up completely, because I wanted a slice of dead turkey pretty bad.
Fast-forward a year-and-a-half. I was dating a girl who was a vegetarian. She was very vocal about animal rights, and made compelling arguments against eating animals. After a couple weeks of pestering, I finally kicked the meat habit on Earth Day, March 1988, because my girlfriend promised to make it worth my while. And while she lived up to her promise, we only lasted another couple weeks before breaking up.
But the diet has stuck ever since.
Part of it is for health reasons, but mostly it's because I can't make the leap from this...
To this...
And I have to wonder how many other people would continue to eat meat if they had to slaughter it themselves. It's easy to become detached from where meat really comes from when it comes so nicely packaged at the supermarket. I also wonder if people would be willing to pay the price to eat meat if the US government were to stop subsidizing the industry. Without billions in taxpayer dollars, a hamburger would cost around $14.00... would people be willing to pay it when suddenly a veggie burger was so cheap by comparison?
Anyway, vegetarianism fits neatly into my Buddhist way of thinking, so I am quite happy to stay the course. And while I am (unfortunately) still eating unfertilized eggs, milk, cheese, and other dairy, I can safely say that I won't be eating meat ever again. I seem to be much healthier because of it, and am happy to contribute to a diet that's not destroying the planet.
So while I don't begrudge people who choose to eat dead animals, eating less meat or becoming a vegetarian is easier than ever. Why not give meat-free options a chance next time you're at the grocery store or eating at a restaurant... you might be surprised.
On the other hand... boy do I miss pepperoni pizza.
Since our poor planet has entered such a horrifying state of affairs, I have decided to trade-up.
Instead of wasting time in this violent, polluted, hateful place... I will instead be spending the rest of my days surrounded by beautiful scenery and wonderful sights. A world of opportunity and adventure. A land where I won't have to worry about getting knifed on my way to work or having my car shot up. A country where the people are kind, decent, and hard working...
...well, not actual people, but animals that kind of act like people. Kind of.
I am talking, of course, about the world of Animal Crossing inside my Nintendo DS...
Animal Crossing is an awesome "life simulation" where you can work, explore, shop, make friends, grow fruit, go fishing, catch bugs, build a home, experiment with feng shui, celebrate holidays, collect furniture, patronize a museum, hunt for treasure, design clothes, create art, and all the other things that make life so great. All tax and disease-free!
I am seriously addicted, even though I don't have much time to play it. But that's okay, because even when I'm not playing, I'm thinking about it. Right now I have my heart set on earning enough money to expand my house so I can decorate it with pirate furniture and some cool skull-and-crossbones wallpaper I made.
It' a fun place to waste time. And nice to look at too, thanks to the sweet graphics...
Probably the coolest thing about the game is that it is wi-fi enabled so you can invite people to your town over the internet. That way, they can come take a look at what you've done, and even trade stuff or give gifts! For example, my town had all pear trees... but thanks to somebody playing in New Jersey who visited me, I was able to trade for some peaches, plant them, and so now I have peach trees growing as well. Now I need to find somebody who has apples, oranges, coconuts, and cherries so I can add a little variety to the landscape.
If you have a Nintendo DS, it's a game well worth picking up. To learn more about Animal Crossing, you can visit the Official Nintendo Site, Animal Crossing Ahead, or Animal Crossing Community.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've decided to blow-off work today so I can go hunt for buried treasure!
I f#@%ing hate jury duty.
Mostly because I get summoned more than anybody I know. The last time I was called was just a little over two years ago. Meanwhile, there are people I know who have never been called, or been called only once or twice. And, as if it weren't enough that jury summons are so unfairly distributed, the entire system is so stupid, that even if I desired to serve, I would never want to go through the shit they put you through.
First of all, your period of potential service is TWO WEEKS. And since I don't even get to take that much VACATION each year, having to block-out my time for something so lame as jury duty really chaps my ass. I summed it up pretty well the last time I got summoned...
What the f#@%?? Excuse me, but apparently the Washington State Justice System has me confused with some loser that has nothing better to do than wait by the phone while they try to find some criminal that needs hanging. I realize that Washington has one of the highest unemployment rates in the nation, but unless you want me to lose my job and become another unemployment statistic, you'd better re-think things. Do you really expect people to put their lives on hold for TWO WEEKS why you make up your mind as to whether I am going to be called in with only one day's notice? How am I supposed to plan for that? This isn't Little House on the F#@%ing Prairie where people had nothing to do...
Second of all, no excuse is good enough for the dumbass judges that determine if you can be excused. One year, I had to call in to be released because I was going to be studying for final exams at college. The judge yelled at me for five solid minutes and then chastised me for avoiding my "civic duty". The next year I received another summons that landed in the middle of a trip to Europe. Rather than get yelled at by some ass-wipe judge, I actually changed my travel plans.
Lastly, the results of serving on a jury are always unsatisfying. My last term on jury duty had all of us believing that the guy on trial was probably guilty, but we were forced to proclaim him "not guilty" because of gross incompetence by the prosecution. A total waste of my time (not to mention taxpayer dollars).
So you can imagine my reaction when I checked my mail this morning and saw this...
What could possibly be worse? Let's turn it over and see...
That's right, my first call-in lands on my birthday!
Awww, you shouldn't have!
Seriously, you shouldn't have. I will probably still be drunk when my term starts on the 27th.
I wonder if they'll let me play with my Nintendo during the trial?
I honestly try not to repeat myself whenever it comes time to write something new... but every once in a while, I just can't help it.
Such is the case with the idiot in Louisiana who is suing Apple because "listening to an iPod with the volume too loud can cause hearing loss". I've already ranted about it, but the story keeps coming up in the news and, every time it does, I just keep getting more and more furious. The fact that somebody can sue over something so incredibly stupid causes my blood to boil, and I cannot let it go. I want very badly to bitch-slap somebody, but society has made stupid shit like this acceptable, so what can you do? I mean, if a woman can be awarded millions of dollars because she wasn't careful with a scalding-hot cup of coffee, then nothing surprises me.
Pretty soon, everything is going to be plastered with disclaimers and those little "NO" illustrations, which I like to call "DUMBASS PROTECTION". You know, those little pictures with the slash through them that you see everywhere...
And why stop there? I mean, if you don't know any better than to not play the volume on your iPod too loud... then other sublimely obvious crap is going to need Dumbass Protection as well...
And the list goes on and on.
Just take a look around the room you're in, select an item, come up with something insanely stupid to do with it that might result in injury, then SUE LIKE A MUTHA-F#@%A!! Apparently, it's the American way: baseball, apple pie, and frivolous lawsuits.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have legal proceedings to file against Ticonderoga, Fiskars, and Zippo. Blogography: Your class-action lawsuit clearing house!
BLOGOGRAPHY FLASHBACK ENTRY: All-American Booty Call
BLOGDATE: July 4, 2003
In which Dave questions how 6 grams of fat on some daft bitch's ass could possibly be worth fifty million dollars.
Click here to go back in time...
After weeks of despair from not being able to find a downloadable torrent of the British version of Project Runway (which they call Project Catwalk), I checked again last night and found that episodes 2-4 were finally up. How much simpler would my life be if Sky One would just put them for sale on iTunes? I'd gladly pay the $1.99. You'd think that foreign television networks would jump at the chance to expand their distribution with something like this.
The silver lining here is that Showtime has finally jumped on the iTunes bandwagon and is offering episodes of Weeds for sale. That's pretty sweet, because I dropped the network after they canceled Dead Like Me, and haven't got to see it yet. Everybody I know loves the show, so I'm looking forward to it.
Anyway, time for a bit of a delicious Elizabeth Hurley break...
If I lived in the UK just now, I'd be able to tune in to the latest episode in just 4 minutes instead of waiting for the torrent later this week. Oh well. Just like Liz says... "fashion has no mercy."
BREAKING VIDEO GAME NEWS!
Following all kinds of rumors and speculation, IGN confirms in an interview with LucasArts that Lego Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy, is indeed in development for a release this fall. Considering that Lego Star Wars is one of my most favorite video games ever, I'm pretty psyched about that.
IGN also has a few images posted that look super sweet...
Here's some bullet points...
I. Want. It. Now.
For the full scoop, head over to the IGN.com interview.
BLOGOGRAPHY FLASHBACK ENTRY: Dave Approved: Lego Star Wars
BLOGDATE: April 7, 2005
In which Dave discovers one of the coolest video games ever.
Click here to go back in time...
This morning as I was leaving my apartment, I heard what sounded like a hairdryer running. Outside.
Since I live in an apartment complex with some wacky elderly people, I wasn't surprised when I saw that it was, in fact, actually a hairdryer. A woman had run an extension cord out of her apartment and was using a hairdryer to melt a patch of ice on the sidewalk, then mopping it up with a wad of paper towels. I can only guess that she must have slipped on it while taking out the garbage and decided to take care of the problem in her own way.
I pretty much have to guess because I wasn't about to ask her what was really going on. The truth is probably far more bizarre, and I am fairly certain that I am better off not knowing.
And speaking of bizarre... every time I see a hairdryer, I am taken back to a rather interesting story.
Well, not so much "interesting" as it is "wacky and insane".
And when I say "wacky and insane", I am actually referring to my friend Robert.
Robert (who long-time Blogography readers will better recognize from his comments here as "Bad Robert") is a very different individual, and quite proud of it. He's the type of guy that will call me at midnight on a Tuesday just to tell me that he's discovered a new word that I should know about called "shart" (which is what happens when you fart and accidentally end up shitting your pants). But, on the other hand, he's also the kind of guy who would give me his last dollar if I asked for it, which makes him a good friend and all-around nice guy to know.
(As a side-note: once gay marriage is legalized in Washington, I'll be giving some serious thought to Robert as a life-partner candidate).
Anyway...
One weekend this past summer I was over at Robert's place watching either Blues Clues or Girls Gone Wild when his Super-Deluxe Girlfriend walked into the room...
Super-Deluxe Girlfriend: I'm going to the store to pick up some groceries and a new hairdryer. Do you need anything?
Bad Robert: Oooh... when you get the hairdryer, make sure there's a blue balls button!
Dave: WHAT?!?
Super-Deluxe Girlfriend: WHAT?!?
Bad Robert: Yeah, you know... that blue button so that cool air comes out.
Dave: And you call this the "blue balls" button?
Bad Robert: No. Not "blue balls" button... blue "balls button"... as in the "balls button" is blue. It's so you can blow-dry your nuts without roasting them.
Dave: WHAT?!?
Super-Deluxe Girlfriend: WHAT?!?
Bad Robert: Well, yeah... testicular moisture can lead to jock itch. Baby, you should be glad that I'm into preventative maintenance... you wouldn't want to sleep with a guy who had jock itch would you?
Super-Deluxe Girlfriend: I don't know Robert. Right now I'm trying to decide if I want to sleep with a guy who blow-dries his testicles.
After she leaves...
Dave: Please don't ever tell me how your old hairdryer got broken.
Yep, Robert's Super-Deluxe Girlfriend has to be the bravest woman I've ever met.
D'oh! I just realized that I lost a dare from Naomi. But, in my defense, I must say that my thoughts are only a reflection of our balls-obsessed society, and not a personal obsession of yours truly. Oh well. If it makes you feel any better Naomi, I will resist the urge to draw a cartoon of me blow-drying my testicles... that should count for something.
UPDATE: It would seem that Robert is actually a lot smarter than people give him credit for. Read the follow-up for this entry.
Well this is odd. After poking fun at Bad Robert yesterday for his "cool balls" button... I awoke to four emails, all telling me that this is actually a good idea.
Apparently, using a blow dryer to prevent (or even cure) jock itch has been highly recommended for years by mens health magazines, doctors, and clinical researchers. This includes famous TV and radio personality Dr. Drew. There a number of reasons for this...
1) It is a natural way to take care of jock itch (as opposed to having to buy expensive ointments and creams), and actually works (just be sure to use a no-heat setting, as Robert had said).
2) Talcum powder is a controversial subject. Research shows that it is nasty, nasty stuff, and probably shouldn't be going anywhere near you genitals... male or female. One reader provided me with numerous warnings tying talc to everything including cancer. I had never heard this before, but a quick Google search confirms this with something like 80,000 results, including this one from the Prevent Cancer Coalition. Everybody is encouraged to make sure that talc is not listed in the ingredients of any powders they may be using.
3) Even powders other than talc (like corn starch-based remedies) can still cause problems for some people. In addition to drying up excess moisture, it can also rob skin of the natural moisture needed to stay healthy.
So there you have it. It would seem that Robert is totally vindicated here, and a hairdryer with a "cool balls" setting is actually a smart idea. I rarely blow-dry my hair, but after digging my hairdryer out from under the bathroom sink counter I see that, sure enough, it has a magical blue button.
Who knew?
Yet another helpful tip from your friends here at Blogography!
I have so much dirty laundry piled up that I am certain one day I won't be able to make it out of my bedroom alive. I'll awake in the middle of the night having to go to the bathroom, trip over a heap of dirty underwear, hit my head on the closet door, and lay there bleeding to death in a pile of smelly socks. I can't imagine how they would make that sound good for my obituary, so I figure it's best to just spend my day-off washing.
But as fun as doing laundry is, there's quite a bit of down-time while waiting for that rinse-cycle to finish.
At first I was going to watch the complete first season of the excellent Grounded for Life DVD set I just got, but that only occupies half my brain. The other half gets bored and needs something to do.
Enter Google Maps.
The really nifty thing about this service from Google is that anybody can create their own maps using the freely provided (yet poorly documented) Google Maps API. You can even draw your own little icons and stuff. This appeals to me, because I think it would be very cool to include interactive maps of my travels when I am blogging on the go. For example... if I were in Chicago at the Apple Store, and Bad Monkey was waiting for me at Giordanos Pizza, I could easily create a little map to show where everything is. You would be able to move around, zoom in and out, and it would look something like this...
Actually, it would look exactly like that, because this is a screen capture of a real Google Map I made.
The only drawback is that the JavaScript to create the map takes forever to load... even if you don't actually display anything that uses it. This caused major problems, because all my blog pages were taking four-times longer to load whether there is a map there or not.
Obviously, that's not going to work out for me.
I guess what I am going to have to do is create a separate "Blogography Maps" blog and then provide a link in my entries there. That way, only pages that are actually going to be drawing maps will load slowly. It's not an ideal solution, but it's the only thing I can think of. A pity that individual entry archives in Movable Type can't be flagged to use different templates. Then I could just dump my maps into the extended portion of an entry and be good to go. Oh well.
And there goes the buzzer on my clothes dryer...
UPDATE: Thanks to reader assistance, I did figure out how to embed a Google Map without penalizing other pages.
This morning I awoke to two emails regarding yesterday's experimentation with Google Maps...
The first was from somebody who felt compelled to write and say "nice Photoshop hack" in regards to the Google Map screen capture that I had included (apparently he felt it "looks fake").
The second was from somebody showing me how I can put the slow Google code only on the pages that have maps. The only restriction is that I can't put the map in the main body of an entry, because then web feed readers will choke and die (they'll have to go in extended entries).
UPDATE: This is so cool. After goofing around for a while, I was inspired to redo my travel map with the Google Maps API. It's pretty sweet. I've got custom icons to separate my Hard Rock visits from other visits, and all the data is read from an XML file so I can update easily. I'm pretty happy with it, so I've added my map to the tab bar on every page.
The original map test is still in an extended entry...
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Most everything I buy now-a-days is purchased online. And one of my most favorite places to shop is Buy.com.
They're a solid, reliable company with a huge selection at very good prices. I like that they make it easy to manage my orders. Their shopping cart is great. They accept PayPal for payment. They ship quickly. Their policies are fair, and most of the time I can count on everything going smoothly when I place an order.
All-in-all, Buy.com is a great place to buy stuff.
Unless something goes wrong.
Because if something goes wrong, you will inevitably have to contact Customer Service. And Buy.com Customer Service sucks ass. Every single time I have had to deal with them, I end up so enraged that I want to kill somebody. If you ever hear in the news that I've gone on a murderous rampage and then locked myself in a donut shop somewhere, it's Buy.com Customer Service that's probably the cause of it.
And the reason for this is because the only thing they ever seem to do to service their customers is to send out piece-of-shit generic responses that usually have nothing to do with the question you asked. I've come to the conclusion that there can be two reasons for this...
A) They don't have actual people in their Customer Service Department, but instead have a big machine that automatically generates these stupid generic responses to your emails...
B) Their entire Customer Service Department is staffed by monkeys with PCs...
Because, seriously, there is no way that real-live people could be responsible for the shitty service you get. Real-dead people maybe, but I'm pretty sure it's illegal to employ the deceased.
Take for example my efforts to pre-order a copy of Pauly's new book: The Lost Blogs.
The book is offered for pre-order at Buy.com for the bargain-basement price of $10.04. They tell you to "place your order today and be one of the first to receive this product when it arrives!" I just love being first, and so I did. I placed my pre-order, then marked May 1st on my calendar with a happy face, because that's the day my book would ship.
Except Buy.com cancels my order after a week with some generic email telling me that they can't get the item from the publisher in a timely manner. Well no shit! It says right on the site that it's not available for three months! I knew this when I placed the order!
I send an email asking why they would ask me to place a pre-order, then cancel because the item isn't available.
They write back with another dumbass generic response that just tells me the exact same thing they told me in the cancellation notice email. I respond with my question re-phrased to make it clear what I am asking, but never get a response.
Thinking perhaps there was a release date change and it's some kind of error, I place ANOTHER ORDER.
Only to have it cancelled AGAIN.
And so AGAIN I write to Buy.com Customer Service asking why the f#@% they even bother to accept pre-orders if they are going to f#@%ing cancel them before the release date even arrives.
Another idiotic generic response about the item not being available. WELL NO SHIT YOU MORON!! THAT'S WHAT A PRE-ORDER IS FOR!!
So I finally take a difference approach and fire off a fresh email asking if the reason my order keeps getting cancelled is because I am paying with PayPal. I theorize that there is probably a time-frame that companies are obligated to ship the product when they take your money, and perhaps this is the reason? Is that why? Can they just delay processing the payment until the item is available... just like they don't charge your credit card until something ships?
Same f#@%ing generic response that in NO WAY even comes CLOSE to answering my question.
Ergo, nobody reads any emails that you send to Buy.com Customer Service. It's either a machine or monkeys. And it's not that I have a problem with companies using generic responses... IF THEY ANSWER THE F#@%ING QUESTION, but how the f#@% can you possible call this kind of treatment "Customer Service?" It's more like "Customer Torture".
And so now every time I need to buy something, I have to ask myself if Buy.com is someplace I really want to shop. Sure it's great when everything works out, but heaven-help you if it doesn't. If this is the price of saving money on things I want, I'd rather pay the extra and know that I'll be taken care of when things go wrong.
Last year, I made a photo Valentine greeting, and I got some nice comments and emails because of it.
I also got some rather disturbing emails because of it. In fact, I continue to get disturbing emails even to this day because of it, mostly because the image is also in my Flickr image set. I blame Hello Kitty.
Anyway, this year I decided to play it safe and draw my Valentine for everybody...
Hope your Valentine's Day is a good one!
BLOGOGRAPHY FLASHBACK ENTRY: Heart
BLOGDATE: February 14, 2004
In which Dave contemplates love, and the bitches who rip out your heart so they can watch you die.
Click here to go back in time...
When you design stuff for a living, people automatically assume that you have one of the most funnest jobs ever. Probably because when you're a kid, drawing crappy pictures to put on the refrigerator is loads of big fun. But alas, like so many things, once something becomes work... well, the fun is kind of sucked out of it. The pressure to be creative under a deadline is probably one of the more stressful jobs you can have.
I'd put it right up there with neurosurgeon and bomb squad technician.
Basically, if you mess up in our line of work, somebody is going to die.
Anyway... because everybody thinks that drawing pretty pictures all day is like a non-stop party, they feel that they are doing you a big favor when they call up and say "hey, I need you to design something for me". And because I'm a sucker nice guy, I usually go ahead and do it if I can find the time. I design menus and invitations. I draw birthday banners and CD covers. I create posters and advertising. It's an endless parade of little projects which everybody tells me "will only take a few minutes" (ha ha ha ha).
The latest trend is people asking me to design their tattoos, like this one I drew up yesterday...
This is particularly painful for me, because I've always wanted a bad-ass tattoo of my own. Unfortunately, I could never manage to pull-off being "bad-ass". This is about as "bad-ass" as I can get...
Needless to say, having a cool flaming demon skull tattoo is not an option when you look like Gumby.
And so I have to continue to draw awesome tattoos for everybody but me.
Except I still want one.
So my option here is to try and come up with something that my boyish charm can pull-off. Something totally lacking in hostility. Something that is bad-ass, but in a "non-threatening" kind of way. I'm thinking that it will end up being something like one of these...
My other tattoo is a flaming demon skull. This one is pretty self-explanatory. It gives me the ability to imply that although the tattoo you are currently looking at is fairly reserved, somewhere else on my body is another one that's truly bad-ass. My only fear is that somebody will then be inclined to go looking for it.
Cartoon Skull. Though there is no way I can pull-off a realistic-looking skull and crossbones, I'm fairly certain that a cartoon version could work for me. It says "I'm bad-ass", but not so bad-ass that I have to worry about somebody mistaking me for an ass-kicking tough-guy, and want to fight me.
Bad Monkey. Because, well, you know... everybody just loves a monkey.
Garden Snake & Flaming Heart with Liz. This tattoo kind of covers all the bases. Since a scary serpent would be difficult for me to wear convincingly, I settled for a harmless garden snake. The flaming heart is a tattoo classic, but by making it look like something out of Hello Kitty, I don't risk anybody thinking that I want to rip their heart out and set it on fire. And lastly, I've got "Liz" in there so I can proclaim my love of Elizabeth Hurley and impress her with my dedication once fate brings us together.
Now if only I could decide where I want to put it after I pick the design...
The torrent for Project Catwalk episode 5 finally hit the internet (why oh why doesn't Sky One sell the shows at the iTunes Music Store so we don't have to wait?). The incomparable Elizabeth Hurley was, in a word, breathtaking. And brutally hot. As usual. I think this is probably her best episode yet. She had more screen-time and clothing that better showcased her, umm... ample talents.
Am I the only one who sits in breathless anticipation of Liz uttering those magic words "fashion has no mercy" when she tells the loser to get their ass off the catwalk?
Anyway, I didn't really pay attention to most of the non-Elizabeth Hurley parts of the show. Though some guy ran crying from the catwalk after one of the judges trashed his dress, and I thought it was pretty funny how his model went chasing after him. The drama!! For those of you lucky enough to live in the UK, Project Catwalk airs on Sky One Thursdays at 8:00pm.
For everybody else, more delicious screen caps follow in an extended entry...
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Well, I might as well go for broke and make this an Elizabeth Hurley trifecta of entries today. Perhaps this will get her out of my system. At least until the next episode of Project Catwalk airs.
Thanks to Angi and her kind comment, I found out that Liz has a "Got Milk?" ad (it's in the latest Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue). It's a smart move, because it certainly makes me want to run out and buy a gallon of milk...
And over at Just Jared, he has scary photos of Liz with big hair whoring herself out for Patrick Cox accessories...
Another smart move, because Liz is so beautiful that you barely notice that shitty-looking purse she's holding.
Alrighty then. Unless some new photos surface before now and tomorrow, I guess that's it for today.
But today everything went terribly wrong.
And I should have known that it would because I was given an Omen of Doom on my way to the bank.
As I reached the intersection, I suddenly noticed that there was nobody around. No traffic. No people. No sound. No anything. It was highly unusual. Naturally, I assumed that The Rapture had just occurred, and I had been Left Behind. Just for fun, I yelled "OH LORD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!?"
Only to realize that there was a woman standing right behind me.
I am now officially one of those crazy people who wanders the streets talking to themselves about the world ending.
I suppose it was only a matter of time...
Anyway, I get to the bank's ATM only to find out that my card doesn't work. Turns out that the credit card company accidentally released all their card numbers AGAIN, and so it had to be replaced "for security reasons". Dumbasses.
But it's when I finally get to the mini-mart that the real tragedy occurs...
THEY ARE NO LONGER CARRYING MY BELOVED COKE WITH LIME!!!
Once again I find myself screaming "OH LORD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!?"
And so now I am left wondering if the Coke-heads have discontinued it or what. I suppose now it's only a matter of time before I become a rent boy, walking the street with the promise of sexual favors in exchange for feeding my Coke habit...
Coke bastards! The item replacing Coke with Lime is called "Vault" and it appears to be a rediculous hybrid of soda and energy drink. That's some stupid shit right there... if I want a frickin' energy drink, I'll buy a Red Bull.
In protest, I decided to skip on Coke products and buy a Dr. Pepper instead.
Except now that I've opened the bottle, I realize that it's not REAL Dr. Pepper... it's Dr. Pepper with Vanilla and Cherry flavorings. YARGH! I HATE CHERRY FLAVORING!!
I'm having a very bad day.
My car went out of warranty back in July so, naturally, now is the time that everything starts to go wrong with it. I swear that those bastard car manufacturers plan it like this, because isn't that the way it always goes? Unfortunately, the nearest Saturn dealership is three hours away, so I get to have a bit of a road trip this morning. I am not looking forward to it.
It's not the drive to Seattle that bothers me, it's the fact that I have to share the road with dumbasses on the way over. Like this complete tool that I had to follow to the liquor store yesterday...
No offense to any Ford Pinto owners out there, but seriously... if you are going to be driving $40,000 automobile, at least act like you know what you are doing. Otherwise, you're just embarrassing yourself, and needlessly irritating everybody else on the road.
And away I go...
It was a beautiful day.
At least it started that way.
When I left for Seattle the air was crisp and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. I was marveling in all of creation as I drove Highway 2, being careful not to tailgate the truck ahead of me...
And then 10 minutes later I was pulled over by the Highway Patrol.
At first I thought he was after somebody else, and so I pulled over to let him pass.
But he didn't pass. He decided to pull me over for going 64 in a 60mph zone. I know, because I looked to make sure the needle was under the 65 mark, and it was.
The ensuing conversation went like this...
Johnny Law: YOU WERE SPEEDING!!
Dave: Sorry... I was just following the car ahead of me and didn't notice I was over.
Johnny Law: I DIDN'T STOP YOU TO ARGUE!!! I PULLED YOU OVER BECAUSE YOU WERE SPEEDING. I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE FOLLOWING ONE CAR OR A HUNDRED CARS!!!!!
Dave: Uhhh... okay...
After that, I just shut the f#@% up, because obviously the man had it in for me. He claimed I was going 66 (which I'm fairly certain I wasn't)... but even so, that's within 10% of the limit, and hardly a grievous offense that was worth being pulled over for (let alone being yelled at). I mean, shit! Give me a break... would you rather people keep their eyes on the road and occasionally check their speed... or just stare at the f#@%ing speedometer and ignore everything else? Minor pops over the limit are bound to happen, even with the best drivers... ESPECIALLY with the best drivers.
What I don't get is that I was following five other cars... IN THE SLOW LANE!! Why me?? Did somebody spray-paint "F#@% ALL COPS" on the side of my car? I mean, it's not like I was blowing past everybody going 70 in the passing lane, so WTF?!?
The guy let me off with a written warning, so I guess he wasn't so bad after all... but whatever. If he would have ticketed me, I would have actually showed up in court with my flawless driving record to fight that one.
After dropping my car off at the dealership, the rest of my day went something like this...
That's Jäger Bomber #6, after which I was cut-off.
At least until the shift change when I was able to get two more from our new and improved waitress. It was at this time my friend noted that one's ability to play darts well is tied to alcohol consumption along a sine-wave curve. Sure enough, this seems to be true... at least until you start to descend the back-side...
It would appear to go like this...
As you are just completing that first drink, your skills start to improve. Right after you finish drink #2, you enter "THE ZONE" where your mad dart skills are on fire. Things just keep getting better after drinks #3 and #4. At that point, you inevitably put your drinking on pause for just a bit, so you can ride that "dart high" of being able to totally kill at the game. But then you start to lose your edge and have to drink #5 and #6 to maximize your "ZONE" hang-time. Right around drink #7 is when things start to go terribly wrong. You don't just leave "THE ZONE", you plummet out of it... no longer are you "on fire" but you bypass the "sweet" phase and drop directly down to "suckage".
At that point, all you can do is leave the bar, then go back to your friend's house and start queuing up a few more Jäger Bombers to finish out the evening.
Naturally, when you drink twelve shots of Jägermeister dropped in glasses of Red Bull Energy Drink throughout day, getting to sleep is something that proves to be a bit of a challenge (but somewhat less critical than not puking your guts out). It was a rough night, but I did forget all about being pulled over by the cops so I guess it's all relative.
Life is hardest when it's self-inflicted.
Courtesy of being tagged by Kachina over at A Whiter Shade of Pale comes this meme asking you to list your top ten favorite love songs. I think it was originally meant for Valentine's Day, but is only just now making its way here. This meme is more difficult for me than most, because most of my adventures in love have ended up being the absolute worst times in my life. It would be all too easy to pick the most depressing songs I could find and shove them in a list, but that's kind of like cheating, and so I'll put a little more work into it.
So as not to offend the meme-hating masses, my answers are in an extended entry...
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
The boy looked very small against the vast expanse of the horizon. As he made his way along the rocky scrub, he sheltered his eyes from a sky so bright that he couldn't bear to look at it. He was all alone now, which was nothing new. He had been alone and ignored most of his life. But now he knew he was alone, and the weight of it was not an easy burden to carry for one so young.
The breeze was picking up, but it did nothing to relieve the heat of the noonday sun. Instead it tore across the boy's skin as a blast from a furnace, adding to his misery. Had his spirit not been broken long ago, he might have dreamt of water. But all he could think of now was the never-ending horrors of his life that pushed him onward. Ahead of him was the promise of escape, and it was enough to keep him moving when even a grown man would have faltered.
Suddenly, the small child came to a stop.
He had reached the edge of a deep chasm that spread before him for as far as he could see.
The brightness of the sun brought tears to his eyes, but they had gone before he had a chance to wipe them away. Their moisture consumed by the unforgiving heat. With nowhere left to go, the boy just stood there looking for his future in the painted landscape.
Alas, no future could be found, and so the boy sat down and shuddered with quiet sobs of defeat. Not able to continue, not willing to return, the boy felt all his hopes drift away into the desert as he began wishing that he were dead.
"What's the problem here?" Inquired the desert mouse as he wandered up to the sobbing youth, his fur covered in dust...
I have no idea what I want to write about today. Usually when I have time to blog, I sit down and at least one topic comes to mind. Today there's nothing... just a bunch of random crap that nobody is going to care about. Ordinarily, I'd work on it a bit until something struck me, but today I am completely lacking in ambition. So totally random crap it is!!
Hey, you should feel lucky I'm bothering at all...
GAMES: Last year, a friend of mine got pretty sick, and so I miniaturized a few board games and sent them to her to help pass the time with her visitors. I had forgotten all about it until yesterday when I accidentally ran across the files I used to make the games and all the pieces. My favorite of the lot was always "Daveopoly" in which I recreated absolutely everything in a Monopoly box to be "Dave-ified." All the streets have been renamed in my image ("Davetucky Avenue," "Davelantic Avenue," and "Davewalk" for example). But I didn't stop there, I put my face on all the money and re-drew every last "Community Chest" and "Chance" card (my favorite being the "Get out of pound-you-in-the-ass prison free" card). Drawing all that wasn't really difficult, but cutting it all out and putting it together was sure a pain. Next time she's getting a deck of cards.
LIZ: A totally crappy episode of Project Catwalk greeted me after spending a couple hours downloading the torrent to episode #6. There wasn't much Elizabeth Hurley this time, and instead we had to look at some freaky guy with tattoos who is apparently a famous British designer. HELPFUL HINT TO SKY ONE BROADCASTING: Nobody gives a flying f#@% if some idiot can make a shitty-looking dress out of a shower curtain... PEOPLE ARE WATCHING YOUR SHOW TO SEE LIZ!
Next season, hire an editor that understands the true power of Elizabeth Hurley's breasts! Dumbasses.
TWO-POINT-NO: I still haven't made my way through all the email that piled up while I was gone over the weekend, but I did dig deep enough to find one from some douche wanting me to sign up for a "Web 2.0 Conference". HELPFUL HINT TO ANYBODY SENDING ME EMAIL: Any time I see the words "Web 2.0" in an email, I delete the stupid shit immediately. Do not pass spam filter. Do not collect conference fees. If ever there was a marketing hype term that was as useless as a bow on a turd, this is it. The web is evolving, and always has been. Assigning "Web 2.0" to some arbitrary technology so you can sucker people into thinking that Javascript and DOM is something new is just stupid. Are you the same moron who was declaring Flash as "Web 2.0" five years ago? Yeah, that's what I thought. Anybody pushing "Web 2.0" is trying to sell you something.
BETTY: Running to the other edge of the "remarkable woman spectrum" comes the news that Betty White has been honored for her work on behalf of animal rights by the Los Angeles Zoo. She is now an official "Ambassador to the Animals" which sounds cool, even if I don't know what that means. I just hope it doesn't interfere with her acting, because her recent appearances on Boston Legal have been GOLD. Giving Betty a gun and having her rob convenience stores was genius.
T-SHIRTS: Well, the weather seems to be clearing up, so everybody who has a Blogography T-Shirt from the Artificial Duck Store will be happy to know that I've got another order going in tomorrow morning. With luck, I'll be shipping orders at the end of the month! Sorry for the wait.
OLYMPIC: Seriously, does anybody give a crap about the Olympics anymore? It seems to be less about an athletic competition, and more about a competition to make money. They're always adding new events in order to capture public interest, and half the crap doesn't make any sense. I swear, if this trend continues, they're going to have Wet T-Shirt Competition as an Olympic sport. Besides, it's too heartbreaking watching some guy from a poor nation who works two jobs in order to pay for his training compete against wealthier nations that spend millions on their athletes. "Going for the Gold" has an entirely different meaning now that we're actually talking about networks "Going for the advertising dollars Gold."
GROMIT: Well, that's all folks... my copy of Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit arrived today!
Kevin found something fun over at his Kapgar Blog and, even though I actually had a topic today, I decided I wanted to play too.
The deal is that you upload your photo to this MyHeritage site and they match you to their star-studded celebrity database of images to see who you most resemble. In Kevin's case, it ended up being a bunch of women. This had me terribly worried, because he's far more butch than I am.
Anyway, if you want to see my results and read my conclusion, it's all in an extended entry...
→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Quite a while ago, I had the idea of creating a blog directory site that was entirely visual in nature. There would be no text at all... just pictures of bloggers that you could click on when the mood struck you. I thought it an interesting way to discover new blogs, and also put faces to the blogs you already know about.
Unfortunately, life got in the way, and I never quite got it going.
Until Tuesday.
On Tuesday I got another nice invitation to join one of the many "Blogger Networks" that keep popping up. They liked my blog and thought it would be a fabulous addition to their group. And just like the last time, it was a network I had never even heard of, so I wrote back and politely declined. I explained that this wasn't something I was interested in just now, but best of luck and I hope your endeavor is a successful one. UNLIKE last time, I received a reply:
"Are you stupid?? We're building a powerful network that could explode your traffic and give you exposure you could never get on your own!!! Blah blah blah blah blah."
And that's when I got to thinking... what do I care? I don't have ads or anything. It's not like I get a prize for having more readers. And the more I thought about it, the more offended I became. Some of these networks actually look worthwhile for finding great reads (9rules must be good, because both Pauly and Firda are members)... but most of the others I've found are nothing more than elitist wank-fests. My joining would just provide links for their crappy blogs, and I don't even care about my own traffic. So I wrote back another email and told them "sorry I am too stupid to join... f#@% you, and have a nice day."
And then yesterday I woke up and decided to create my own elitist blogging network...
Well, actually, BloggerPeeps is not so much a network as it is a list of blogs that I like. Every couple of days I'll send out a batch of email invitations to people in my web feed reader and, if people want to become a member, I'll add them to the site and they officially become a VIB... Very Important Blogger.
Then, if you should wish to show off your new status amongst the blogging elite... I'm making little BloggerPeeps member badges, and am working on these little sidebar widgets that will fit nicely under a Flickr Zeitgeist. Right now they just randomly grab members and rotate through them, but I am working on a way to make it so that when you click on a face, you'll go to their blog...
I'm also going to finish making the MacOS X Dashboard Widget, so Mac users can access the BloggerPeeps Web Feed right from their desktop...
Sweet! Now I have a project for the weekend.
Looks like my weekend project is going to be kidney stones. Nothing like spending agonizing hours at a hospital on a Friday morning.
Will somebody please explain why The Flying Spaghetti Monster would build something so incredibly painful into His "Intelligent Design?!?" Back to screaming...
And so the doctor says...
"Well, I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that your stone is very close to being passed, and you should be clear sometime today. The bad news is that the CAT-scan reveals you have another stone lodged up in your kidney. It won't cause any pain until it comes loose and passes through... but that could be 10 minutes from now or 10 years from now. We really have no way of knowing."
And Dave says...
"Uhhh... thanks?"
As fun as this was, I really have no desire to ever do it again, but there you have it. I'm holding on to my drugs, so at least I can medicate myself through this crap when it happens again.
Though I am having a hard time deciding whether the nausea and vomiting that the pain medication causes is worse than the actual pain.
In other news: Little Debbie Chocolate Cupcakes are just as delicious coming up as they are going down!
Any minute now...
This has been the strangest weekend ever.
Sure the agonizing torture of kidney stones is something new, and entailed my very first visit to the Emergency Room, but the bigger picture is that I haven't done anything all weekend. It seems all I can manage to do is to take drugs and sleep. The good news is that I think my body must be getting accustomed to the medication, because I've been able to start eating again in small amounts. I can only hope that this means I'll be able to go to work tomorrow, because all this "nothing" is killing me. If this keeps up, I'm pretty sure I am going to go insane.
Sigh. And I had such big plans. Primary of which was to get the BloggerPeeps site up and running, but I haven't been able to make much progress on that at all...
Oh well. It's not like the world is going to end or anything, but still... it's kind of depressing that three days have been utterly wasted.
I wonder how much longer until I am de-stoned?
One interesting side note is how quickly that spammers act on new entries now-a-days. I had two comments from two different companies spamming with an "all natural kidney stones cure" when I woke up this morning. As if the actual kidney stones aren't enough pain, I've got dumbass spammers wailing on me too. Why is there no death penalty for these idiots yet?
Bleh. Time for another pill and my sixth nap of the day. Being sick sucks ass! Now I know why I do it so rarely.
Just as I was finishing this catch-all Monday entry, Yellow by Coldplay hit on my iPod, and I suddenly realized that there was a freaky color-theme running through all my bullet points. Funny how that happens...
Grey: In what has to be one of the best shows currently showing on television (now that Veronica Mars has seemingly vanished), Grey's Anatomy continues to surprise me. The SuperBowl two-parter was mind-blowing. Last week's follow-up was classic. And, even though last night's show was kind of slow and boring, I still find myself completely absorbed by it. Unlike crap-fests such as Lost which drags shit on forever with no resolution, Grey's never fails to plunge forward into new territory. You may not like where it goes, but you will always be entertained. Isn't that what television is all about?
Purple, Green, & Gold: Oh how I wish I was in New Orleans right now for Mardi Gras.
Black: Balancing pain and nausea makes you pretty much useless for anything more difficult than watching television. But, other than the aforementioned Grey's Anatomy, the most interesting thing on television was a commercial for the new video game called Black, which focuses on one thing only: blowing shit up. Beautifully. That's all you do. You go from one location to another and blow... shit... up. It's got to be the most brilliant idea for a game ever, because they've cut out all the boring crap that you usually have to sit through to get to the good part. Which is, of course, to blow shit up. My copy is on pre-order, and ships tomorrow...
Brown: The current round of ads featuring Jay Mohr as a talent agent for Diet Pepsi are the most incredibly stupid ads I've seen in a long time. I suppose that I shouldn't be surprised that Jay Mohr is whoring himself out for something so outrageously asinine... what else has he got to do? But Jackie Chan and P. Diddy? Pepsi must be paying them a shit-load of bank in order for them to ignore how idiotic they look in these spots. P. Diddy's is especially embarrassing, considering he cuts a new hit single with a can of Diet Pepsi called "Brown & Bubbly". Seriously, "Brown & Bubbly". I am still trying to decide if it is more embarrassing to be starring in this crap... or to be responsible for coming up with the idea in the first place. Pepsi... it's past time for a new ad agency.
Violet: Around seven years ago, there was a brilliant British television mini series called Ultraviolet that shows what happens when a cop played by Jack Davenport ("Steve" from Coupling) accidentally gets wrapped up in the world of "Code V's" which is a clever way of saying "vampires". I keep waiting for it to be released on DVD in the US, but nothing ever comes. Instead, now we have another Ultraviolet entirely, but this time it's a movie starring Milla Jovovitch. She's playing a "Hemophage" which is yet another clever way of saying "vampires", or so I am guessing. All I do know is that Milla kicks total ass, and I can't wait to see it. Please, please be better than the ridiculous Underworld...
Blue: I just learned that Octavia E. Butler, a prominent Seattle science fiction writer who created some truly amazing works, died this weekend. If you want to give her stuff a try, I recommend the critically acclaimed Wild Seed, a tale of two immortal beings that's a magical read and hard to put down. Truly a great loss to sci-fi fans, and a reason to be blue this Monday.
Lime: Still depressed that Coke with Lime is disappearing from store shelves, but Mooselet was kind enough to pass along a tasty reminder of the greatness that once was (only in Australia, alas). It's the "Coke with Lime Girls"...
Hmmm... since kidney stones are still plaguing me, let's see how well I manage at work today while totally drugged up...
One of the most beautiful objects ever created by man is Michelangelo's statue masterpiece, David.
As an art-lover, my life-long ambition has been to visit L'Academia Gallery in Florence so I could personally bear witness to this stunning tribute to the beauty of the human form. On October 16th of last year, I was lucky enough to do just that. I was not at all disappointed. I could write pages on just how amazing an experience it was, but it basically comes down to the fact that David looks as though he is made of flesh and blood instead of stone. All the muscles, the veins, every fold of skin... it's all been so meticulously crafted, that the experience of standing before it can literally take your breath away.
It's that good...
There are other statues of course... the exquisite Venus de Milo and the heart-wrenching La Pieta come instantly to mind. But David stands above them all as to what a true artist can accomplish given nothing but a block of stone.
Which brings me to the point of all this.
Boing Boing, one of my favorite sites on the internet, is doing a good thing very wrong.
It would seem that Boing Boing is being blocked by some filtering software due to their displaying "nudity" which is kind of stupid. Any nudity I can remember seeing has either been artistic or informative in nature, and in no way gratuitous or exploitive. I support Boing Boing 100% in their efforts to protest this ridiculous practice, mainly because I've posted content to Blogography (such as the above photo) which would get me censored as well.
What I do not support is the way they are going about it. They have decided to protest the butchering of artistic expression by butchering David to create web badges...
I mean, come on... now you've taken a work of sublime artistic beauty and reduced it down to a picture of a penis. I'd pretty much sum that up as the very definition of poor taste. It's no longer an artistic statement, but exploitation for the sake of shock value. I doubt most people seeing such a web badge would even understand that it's a crop of David. All they see is a penis (giggle, snort) which kind of defeats the entire purpose. If you are going to use David as a symbol, "be respectful to the source material"...
Otherwise I'd argue that you're no better than the people you're fighting.
(They wouldn't let me take photos at L'Academia, so the above photo is by Rico Heil and governed by the GNU Free Documentation License).
As a Certified Apple Whore™, I become automatically enchanted with absolutely everything Apple does. Historically, this kind of blind devotion has been repaid, because everything they do is new, unique, classy, and better than most of the other crap in the market.
So when I had read that Apple was having some kind of media event today so they could unleash some cool new toys, I was understandably excited. Well, both excited and terrified, because Apple gear is usually pretty expensive, and I don't have extra cash laying around.
Turns out I needn't have worried. All the hype was for an upgraded Mac Mini computer and something called the iPod Hi-Fi.
Whoop-de-f#@%ing-doo.
The new iPod Hi-Fi has cool potential, EXCEPT IT'S NOT AN IPOD!! It's just speakers for your iPod. In fact, without an iPod plugged in, it doesn't do anything at all. So why call it an iPod when it's not and confuse everybody?? Beats the heck out of me...
It would be different if it had a massive hard drive inside and could act as a wireless repository hub for your music, video, and data... but it doesn't. It's a boom box accessory with a remote control. I might be at least a little excited if Bose hadn't already come up with a more elegant-looking solution that costs $50 less and doesn't have your iPod awkwardly sticking out the top. It's called the Bose SoundDock...
So when Apple asks "who better to design the ultimate stereo system for iPod than the folks who designed iPod itself?" I'm guessing the answer is Bose, who has a heck of a lot more experience designing small-footprint sound systems than Apple does.
Kind of sad really. I wanted my big-screen video iPod.
Well, that was probably one of the most horrible experiences of my life, and I can't imagine anything that could be much worse.
I mean, I suppose that I could get my foot torn off in a freak accident involving a bear and explosives... or maybe some kind of torture where my teeth are ripped out with pliers... or perhaps something involving my testicles and a baseball bat... but it really is hard to think of anything that could top kidney stones. Kidney stones suck ass!
Anyway, it's a happy day after all...
I'm assuming my kidney stone is a girl, because the only pain that ever came close to this was dealt me by a woman.
Kind of funny that something so tiny can cause such mind-blowing agony. Usually, you have to read an Ann Coulter book in order to experience suffering of this magnitude.
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