Posted on Sunday, June 1st, 2008
It's the crap-tastic edition of Bullet Sunday!
• Sickness. I am starting to worry about getting my cards printed. The first company I was going to print with didn't come clean about not being able to use a casino-quality black-core paper stock. The next company I found took forever to respond to even simple queries. I then found a third company that I really liked, but now I am having a hard time confirming anything. They have amazing credentials, and dozens of excellent references... so I'm confident everything will turn out fine... I'm just going crazy over when things are going to start happening. I worked so very hard on these cards (three months to get them all drawn), and I want so badly to make sure they print as perfectly as possible... but right now I'd settle for just getting them printed at all. I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing, but I'm just sick over a possible delay when all my other suppliers are lined up to deliver by the end of the month. Argh.
• Health. Not able to get in to see an allergist... not able to figure out what random foods or things in my environment are causing my allergic reactions... I finally gave in and started eating all the foods I had been cutting out of my diet because I thought they might be a problem. And nothing happened. Nothing. For two days now I've taken one Benadryl at night and one Claritin in the morning and that's it. No hives and no random welts. Is it too much to hope for that this was a temporary thing, and I'm all better now?
• Richer. I just made my final payment on my motorcycle, which I then turned around and sold because I can't ride it anymore. Isn't it cool how life can be both sweet and crappy at the same time?
• Poorer. Shouldn't there be some kind of statute of limitations for how long they can keep billing you for medical shit? I mean, seriously, every time I think that I've got these bastards paid off, another bill shows up in the mail. Even better, I got a collection letter for one of the bills less than a month after I had received the actual bill. I guess they want to make sure you don't fall behind with all the bills they send, so they turn you in for collection if you don't remit immediate payment. I find it positively absurd that THIS is the state of health care in this country... I had the misfortune of surviving my kidney stone, so now I'm going to be billed to death? I should have put my fear of blood and needles behind me and become a doctor when I had the chance... it's the ultimate fountain of revenue wealth.
• Better. Code Monkeys debuted their second season today and it was a fricken' hilarious! — "My new game is called Cock Goblin! - That is bad-ass dude! Why not Goblin Cock? - That's a little hard for me to swallow!" — Where do they come up with this stuff?
• Worse. Also debuting today was the highly-anticipated (by me, anyway) Mary McCormack vehicle, In Plain Sight. Holy crap what a disaster. McCormack's lead character is trying so hard to be bad-ass, that she just ends up being plain bad. I kept hoping somebody would shoot her arrogant ass and the show would end. I'll watch a couple of more episodes just to make sure, but this does not bode well.
And that's all she wrote. Probably a good thing considering Sunday ends in 5 minutes.
Posted on Monday, June 2nd, 2008
Being a vegetarian is usually not a big deal. Even if you end up at a steak house, they usually have a veggie salad of some kind... or perhaps a soup... maybe some kind of veggie sandwich... or even a baked potato. There's always something I can eat, so going out for a meal is no big deal.
Unless you are dealing with the bastards at Applebees. They have NOTHING for vegetarians on their menu.
Every salad has meat on it.
Every sandwich is meat-filled.
Every pasta bowl is topped with some kind of dead animal.
Applebee's now has the single most vegetarian-hostile menu I've ever seen. The only two things I could find on it were some kind of gross-looking mushroom pizza appetizer, and greasy deep-fat-fried mozzarella sticks. Which is great, except I'm allergic to mushrooms and don't want to have a fat-induced heart attack. Asking my nice waitress for help, here are my options...
I went with the veggie burger (no bacon), because it was easier than trying to figure out how to order a bunch of sides (like a baked potato and garlic bread) which aren't on the actual menu anywhere.
This is ridiculous. Seriously. Applebees is run by dumbasses who need sensible advice badly...
Vegetarians are not asking for the world. Just a line on the menu that says "Substitute a veggie patty on any burger at no extra charge!"... or... "Without the chicken, subtract $2." Just SOMETHING that shows you aren't so stupid as to be hostile towards 10% of the population you're asking to patronize your business.
Otherwise, we just get hostile back, and declare to the entire internet that we're sick and tired of your crap, and won't be eating at your over-priced-piece-of-shit-vegetarian-abusive restaurants anymore.
Posted on Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008
It's 11:45pm and I just got off work. I should have put in at least another two hours, but I ended up having to take a couple Benadryl after dinner and was falling asleep at my desk. I'm hoping I can write in my blog and get through the remaining 38 emails in my in-box before I pass out.
I also need to catch up with the news, as I've been cut-off from the world. As I understand it, Obama has finally officially got the delegates he needs for the nomination. As a fan of his since I read The Audacity of Hope, I'm quite happy about it. Though I've also gleaned that Hillary has not yet conceded (surprise, surprise) so heaven only knows what that means. I keep having flashes of Obama winning the presidency, only to have her show up at his inauguration screaming "IT'S NOT OVER! WE CAN STILL WIN! BARACK OBAMA CANNOT PREVAIL OVER MCCAIN! ONLY I AM READY TO HIT THE GROUND RUNNING IN THE WHITE HOUSE!! YOU MUST PICK ME!!!"
Unless she ends up on the Obama ticket as vice president.
Though I'm not sure how I feel about that.
There was a time I wouldn't have minded an Obama/Clinton ticket... but after watching Bill & Hillary's burn-the-house-down style of diversionary politics, I'd be happier if she were nowhere near the White House. Because if that's how she treats people in her own political party... heaven only knows how she'd treat the Republicans she has to work with. One day the Minority Leader asks her if she's going to eat all of her potato chips at lunch and she comes unglued... YOU DARE TAKE FROM ME? ME?!?! SHAME ON YOU JOHN BOEHMER! SHAME... ON... YOU!!!
Yeah, that would be just great.
All I know is that no matter who wins... Obama... McCain... or even Clinton... I have hope.
I have hope that the ongoing armageddon-level disasters left to us by George W. Bush can be repaired.
I have hope that war won't be seen as the first-best solution to our problems.
I have hope that we can restore our ruined relationships with the rest of the world.
I have hope that the unfathomable divide that separates us as countrymen can be narrowed.
I have hope that the massive influence special interest groups use to rape our country will be lessened.
I have hope that our planet and life on earth will take precedent over the environment being destroyed for profit.
I have hope that our economy will recover from it's downward spiral and our dollar will have value again.
I have hope that people can live their lives free from financial ruin if they should get sick.
I have hope that our president will represent ALL of the souls in his charge, not just those who believe like they do.
I have hope that we can move forward into a future not defined by fear and hate.
I have hope that our leaders will think before they act.
I have hope that intelligence can replace ignorance.
I have hope that things will change.
I have hope.
Posted on Wednesday, June 4th, 2008
Working 19 hour-days has put me in a goofy brain-damaged kind of mood.
I finally got around to reading my email tonight and found that a young boy (with help from his mom) had written to tell me that it's not polite to chew with my mouth open.
This was scary-puzzling to me. Because not only am I'm an advocate for closed-mouth chewing, but I'm also horrified at the thought of small children stalking me. Not knowing what this kid was talking about or where he might have seen me, I wrote back and asked.
Turns out he wasn't writing to me, but to Lil' Dave...
Hmmm... apparently my enthusiasm for corn is responsible for corrupting children by teaching them bad eating habits now.
See, there's a reason I tag my blog as containing adult content.
Posted on Thursday, June 5th, 2008
I've been so overwhelmed lately that I'm having a hard time trying to figure out exactly what things I should be focusing on. As a result, I keep shifting from one task to another, getting a lot done... but not getting anything finished. One particular task has been dragging out all week, which is making travel arrangements for my upcoming trips. Each day I've been taking a few minutes to shop for airfare. This has been an almost heartbreaking endeavor, because all the prices are outrageously high. On average, I'm finding fares DOUBLE what they were just a year ago. As more airlines go bankrupt and the survivors keep cutting flights, I can only guess things are going to get much, much worse.
But today was the day I promised myself I would at least get June and August booked, so I've spent my evening trying to do just that.
I am blowing through my travel budget at record speed, and I haven't even booked my hotels and rental cars yet.
And what about my trips for the rest of the year?
If the prices keep going up, what will a flight cost come November and December?
And so... I've started maxing out my credit card to book all my trips where I'm confident the dates won't change. In the past four hours I've spent close to $4000, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. I shudder to think what the damage will be by the time I'm finished. And that's just the trips I know... there are at least a half-dozen that I'm going to have to take, but don't yet have dates. Heaven only knows what the fare will be by the time I get that figured out. I just hope none of the airlines I'm booking with will go bankrupt before my flight. What happens then?
For somebody who has to travel a lot, this is pretty much a nightmare come true.
And what new horrors will tomorrow bring?
Posted on Friday, June 6th, 2008
I'm sitting here watching the movie White Chicks on television because there's nothing better on. If you need a sign that The Apocalypse is upon us, this is it.
When do we get a sequel where two white actors play Black Chicks?
Yesterday I asked "what new horrors will tomorrow bring?"
It was meant to be rhetorical, but The Universe decided to answer back "All your travel plans are ruined."
This morning I found out that Horizon Air has replaced the small 36-seater turbo-prop service with larger 72-seater service out of my local airport at Wenatchee's Pangborn Field. Ordinarily, this would be a good thing... sometimes those flights are oversold and hard to book... but they changed the schedule too.
This is a major problem for me, because the 6:00am flight I usually take to connect with all the early east-coast routes is gone. The earliest plane out of Wenatchee is now 7:10am, which doesn't connect well with much of anything heading eastward. So now instead of arriving in time for dinner, I'm arriving in time for bed.
If I'm lucky.
As I found out while I was changing all my flights this morning, any time I fly east I'm going to end up overnighting in Seattle or taking a lot of overnight flights from now on.
Though I guess it beats stopping service to Wenatchee altogether.
If ever there was a time for DaveAir, this would be it...
Though I can't imagine that the airline industry is a business anybody really wants to be in now-a-days.
Posted on Saturday, June 7th, 2008
The first car I ever owned was not new, it was used. Except it was in excellent condition and could easily have passed as new. At least it was in excellent condition until a week later. Not knowing any better, I parked next to a car in a handicap space at K-Mart. When I came back, the car was gone. But not before they left a nice dent on the passenger side. I was able to get it popped out, but there was still a nice white mark to remind me of the incident for years to come.
At least until the railroad's heavy work truck across the street slipped into gear while unattended and totaled my car.
Flash-forward nine years and I still haven't learned my lesson.
Today I went to the grocery store to buy a frozen pizza. The parking lot was packed full, and the only space available which wasn't a mile from the door was (you guessed it) next to a handicap space. Since I was only going to be a minute running in for a pizza, I went ahead and took it... being careful not to get too close to the van with Jesus stickers all over it that was occupying the handicapped space.
By the time I worked my way through the check-out line and got back to my car, I was just in time to see the driver of the Jesus van whip his door into the side of my car, leaving a small scuff-mark (which hopefully can be buffed out).
What the hell?
I walked up to his window and yelled just that, only to have him scowl at me and go tearing out of the parking lot.
It's as if he didn't give a crap... he might has well rolled down his window and screamed "I'm handicapped, so fuck off!"
Obviously, it's not just handicapped people who can be jerks about dinging your car and running off... dumbassery knows no bounds... but this is two for two on damages.
I'm starting to wonder if I should be blaming the people who design handicapped parking spaces? Obviously there's a problem here.
Though I didn't see a handicap parking sign in his window, so maybe he wasn't handicapped, he was just an asshole.
Posted on Sunday, June 8th, 2008
I desperately want to celebrate Bullet Sunday with a Chalupa Supreme (no beef, add rice) and a side of Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes, but am entirely too lazy to drive the 20 minutes to Taco Bell. Waaah!
• Pizza! I'm officially done. I've tried every frozen cheese pizza on the market and hate them all. It doesn't matter whether it's from a famous chef like Wolfgang Puck, a famous restaurant like California Pizza Kitchen, a hot new brand like Freschetta, a critical favorite like DiGiorno, or a pizza staple like Red Baron. They're all terrible. So I've finally decided that I'm not going to pay
• Christmas! The funny thing about being in the graphic design business is that you are always ahead of the season. Right now, for example, I'm working on Christmas projects. When Christmas rolls around I'll be working on Easter projects, and so on. Because I don't really celebrate any of these holidays, it's no big deal to me, but it's a challenging mindset to be thinking of snowy holidays in the middle of summer. But that's nothing compared to the challenge of finding a live Christmas Tree for a photo shoot next week.
• Jobs! Tomorrow is the opening keynote for Apple's Worldwide Developer's Conference. At that time my personal hero and god among men, Steve Jobs, is expected to release the iPhone 2.0 software update which will allow 3rd party applications to run on my iPhone. This is, to put it mildly, super-exciting. Jobs is also expected to announce the new and improved iPhone hardware which is rumored to have a real GPS (thank you!) and faster 3G internet access. The latter bit means that we can all surf for porn several times faster, which is probably a more important function for a phone than making actual phone calls.
• Legion! One of my all-time favorite comic books is The Legion of Super-Heroes. It's a comic about super-powered teens in the far future of the DC Comics Universe. Back in the 1960's the book was looking for a new writer and ended up hiring 14-year-old Jim Shooter for the job. He submitted stories, the editor liked them, and a legend was born. His Legion books were highly successful and memorable, and ended up being a stepping stone to greater things... like when he was editor in chief at Marvel Comics for nearly a decade. Now, 30 years after he left The Legion of Super-Heroes, Shooter is back writing the book. He's five issues into the title now, and I have to say I'm enjoying the heck out of his stories. But I'm nostalgic that way.
Annnnnnnd... I'm spent.
I'm trying to be optimistic, but something tells me this is not going to be a good week.
Posted on Monday, June 9th, 2008
I'm going to put off the rant I had planned for today because I'm just too happy right now. I made my final call-in for jury duty and found out I have been dismissed! w00t!
So what to blog about?
Fortunately, the answer just appeared to me as I learned of the GAY PRIDE CHALLENGE from The Spirit of St. Lewis Blog! Apparently this was started by Kelly's Rambling along in life... with a bit of PRIDE blog. The rules ask that you post a picture he took of his gay pride flag, like this...
... and then you tell your coming out story.
Which is easy for me, because I came out the minute I found out I was 20% gay. No mucking around in the closet for me! Not only was I totally proud to discover I was partially heterosexually-challenged, I immediately embraced my honorary membership in the gay community.
And here is my story.
For as long as I can remember, the only interest I've ever had in homosexuality was restricted to the gay fine arts... namely, certain aspects of its photography and motion picture culture...
But all that changed on April 13th, 2005.
It was on that day I blogged about how I was all squeeeeeeee! over the budding romance between Logan and Veronica on Veronica Mars. In the comments, Karla remarked at how I was being SUCH girl. I agreed with her and admitted that I just couldn't help myself. Then, before I know it, somebody suggests that I take the now-infamous Channel 4 Gay-O-Meter Quiz. Here is my reaction after I was told that maybe I'm acting like a girl because I'm gay...
Well I don't think that's the situation here... according to the test, I'm only 20% gay.
Hey, hold on a second...
HOLY CRAP!! I'M 20% GAY!!
And here I've been telling myself all this time that the reason I love Veronica Mars so much is because I it's so well-written and Veronica is hot. Now I know it's because I'm 20% gay and didn't even know it.
From there, things moved fairly quickly. Three days later, I was asked in a comment why I hadn't announced my new-found gayness with a DaveToon, so I did...
Out and proud. Out and proud.
Surprisingly, all my readers were very supportive of the news.
They were so supportive that I found new-found freedom to tell everybody about my man-crush on Ryan Reynolds...
... and write a gay-themed Bullet Sunday where I congratulate Reverend Ted Haggard on his douchebag hypocrisy...
... and hang out with several hundred of my closest gay friends at an Erasure concert...
... and do my part for Queer Nation by speculating on why stupid homophobic bitch Sally Kern doth protest too much...
... and, of course, appearing on The Jester Show so I could get "injected with The Gay" and proclaim my fierceness...
... and even attend my first Gay Pride Street Fair so I could get protested...
So there you have it. The story of how I went from not knowing anything about The Gay... to discovering I was 20% gay... to embracing gay culture with all of my heart.
Well, okay... it's just 20% of my heart.
Since I'm now having to deal with another new-found revelation about my sexuality... I think I'm 80% lesbian.
= ahem =
Let's hope that I'm in a worse mood tomorrow so I can post my rant.
Isn't that why people come here?
I mean, before I started posting pictures of hot lesbians...
Posted on Tuesday, June 10th, 2008
Everything was going fine until 9:14pm. Then things went terribly, terribly wrong.
It is now 1:43am and I am hoping that I've got everything fixed.
Let's see how well I sleep tonight knowing that tomorrow I could find out that things have gone from bad to worse.
Posted on Wednesday, June 11th, 2008
Once again my rant is going to have to be postponed, because I am just so frickin' overrun with drama that I can barely function.
Today the blogosphere (or, to be more accurate, a small section of the blogosphere) imploded. If you run in the same blog circles as I do, you know what I'm talking about. If you don't, it's no big loss, because drama is drama regardless of the details. Suffice to say there was a very disturbing, very public, turn of events that ended badly. This had a ripple effect throughout The People's Republic of Blogistan* where a great many people were left with dropped jaws saying "what the fuck?"
For the most part, I am unsympathetic to the bloggers involved. If you are going to disclose every frakin' detail of your sordid affair to the entire internet... but then disappear when things turn to shit... well, people are going to speculate, gossip, and discuss the situation because you invited them to. And yet, to say I am unsympathetic does not mean I wish anybody ill-will. On the contrary, I am hoping with all my heart that everybody comes through this okay and can find happiness once again. All I ever want is for people to be happy and live in peace.
But enough ambiguous chatter, let's talk about me.
I am the polar opposite of a life-sharing blogger.
I do not discuss my family, my offline friends, my work, my relationships, or anything that's truly personal. This blog is all at once a highly superficial yet deeply reflective look at my life. Or at least (being honest here) the parts of my life I choose to share.
Take yesterday, for instance. It was a very, very bad day. But all the horribleness revolved around things I choose not to blog about, so I posted a DaveToon of my world raining shit and hoped that people understand this is all I have to say about the situation. Fortunately, most do.
But today's events have me thinking back to a conversation I had with my good friend Bad Robert a few weeks back.
Robert observed that I invite my readers to speculate about the Big Picture because I leave them hanging for details. At first I protested, but (and this is the thing about Bad Robert's brilliance) I quickly realized he's absolutely right. For everything I don't reveal or discuss, it's like opening a big door towards speculation. It's human nature.
So am I really any better off than those who choose to share their dirty laundry?
People read about my frequent travels and speculate that my career is everything from hired assassin to jewel thief to gigolo to terrorist. The truth is far less interesting but, since I'm not talking about it, I might as well be inviting other people to guess...
FACT CHECK: I'm a graphic designer. I fly around a lot for all aspects of my work, and often add-on extra personal time to my trips because I love to travel and see the world. I am, for the most part, forbidden from sharing details of my work, and so I don't. It's really as simple as that.
People read my joking around about being 20% gay, don't read about any girlfriend, and speculate that I'm 100% gay. Again, the truth is far less interesting but, since I'm not talking about it, I might as well be inviting other people to guess...
FACT CHECK: I'm straight. If I were gay I would have no problem being the most "out" homosexual you know, because my friends, family, co-workers, job, and beliefs just wouldn't care. There's no reason for me to be in the closet if I were gay, and I wouldn't be. Just because I don't blog about women in my life doesn't mean they don't exist.
And so on.
This is not to claim that I don't ever reveal myself on my blog.
There are occasional glimpses into my life that I consider highly personal.
There are other times I've written an entry and realize that it tells a lot about who I am even though it actually says very little.
Sometimes I surprise myself by drawing a simple cartoon that reveals me more deeply than any words could ever express.
Occasional controversial topics do enter into the fray from time to time as you would expect them to.
Though people tend to forget, I have blogged about sexual encounters, albeit in a way that admits to nothing.
And, of course, women and romance are not entirely off-limits, I just don't get too close.
Even my family turns up on rare occasions, if people were to take a minute to notice.
And so on.
Is it better to reveal everything and risk repercussions?
Or is it better to reveal very little and risk speculation?
I honestly cannot say.
Something tells me that this would get a little too personal.
* The People's Republic of Blogistan, courtesy of mah Hilly-Sue.
Posted on Thursday, June 12th, 2008
While watching Steve Jobs give his keynote at Apple's World Wide Developer's Conference a few days back, I had a Twitter search running to see people's reactions to what was going on. It was at that time a dumbass twittered something so profoundly stupid that I was compelled to click through and see if he was just trying to be funny... or if he really was that idiotic.
Not shockingly, he really was a complete and total dumbass.
Not that I'm for censorship or anything, but shouldn't there be some kind of way to shield yourself from dumbasses on the internet? Because nothing ruins your day faster than being caught unaware by fucking idiots. And what a waste of time!
With this in mind, I am seeking venture capital for a proposed new application and service called DaveGuard™...
The way it would work is like this: After installation, you'd be presented DaveGuard™ options under your internet protection settings...
If you choose to be warned when dumbasses are detected, you'll be presented with a warning dialog that's integrated into your various internet services. This way, you can choose whether or not you want to waste your time on a dumbass before you accidentally start reading their bullshit...
If you select automatic blocking, you won't even see dumbass content on your internet services... like Twitter, for example...
Eventually I would want to create additional protections that could be activated. Like LOLCat warnings...
As you can see, DaveGuard™ would be an invaluable service. Because, seriously, ask yourself how much time you waste every day with dumbasses on the internet. One hour? Two hours? FIVE HOURS?!? Wouldn't your life be infinitely better if you could avoid the dumbasses altogether? Just imagine how awesome this New World Internet would be! Stupid bitches? BLOCKED! Raging morons? GONE! Idiotic bastards? ELIMINATED! Sound too good to be true? It is too good to be true! It's
My DaveGuard™ Dumbass Detection Algorithm™ concept is revolutionary. All I need is 6.8 billion dollars to develop it! That may sound like a lot of money, but think of the results! PRICELESS!!
So if you have 6.8 billion dollars hanging around (that's 2.4 million in euros), I can accept Visa, MasterCard, PayPal, or personal check... contact me today!
Posted on Friday, June 13th, 2008
Maintaining my smoldering hot looks is not as easy as you would think.
Especially when I occasionally have to get mutant oil glands electrocuted off my face. This is a completely horrible procedure which entails a visit to the dermatologist. Not because they're really noticeable or anything... but because they're annoying. They're like tiny little bumps that get caught on everything.
At first I was going to post a picture of my current post-electrocuted self, but I didn't want to scare people. Instead I decided to illustrate the procedure with DaveToons. I think it's safer for everybody involved.
First you get stabbed in the face repeatedly with a needle to numb the areas that are going to get electrocuted...
The numbing injections, as you would expect, sting like a muthafraker and numb your face. But they also leave the nasty white splotches everywhere...
As soon as you've been suitably numbed, the dermatologist uses an electric scalpel to carve up your face. It's kind of like an arc-welder, where a fine-tipped instrument shoots jolts of electricity that cuts and cauterizes at the same time. The cauterization is kind of cool, because it means you don't leave the office a bloody mess. Instead you leave with little scorch marks all over...
The next morning your white splotches are gone, and only the little burnt scabs remain. But once you take a shower, the scabs fall off. This leaves your face a bleeding mess for a few hours (this is the stage I'm at now)...
After a few days, the morning bloodletting subsides and you're left with little pink scars...
Since the scars are superficial, they fade away in about three weeks, revealing my hot sexy self once again...
And there you have it. See the kind of stuff I have to go through in order to be pretty for you?
Posted on Saturday, June 14th, 2008
Because it's Pride Month, I was all set to write a nice entry about gay marriage in support of my GLBT friends. I've already blogged my support previously, but that was a while ago, and I thought I would come up with something new. But this time, I didn't just want to ramble on uninformed... I thought I would do some actual research.
So last night while I was listening to online radio, I started poking around. I had always heard that FOX News was "fair and balanced," so I decided to start there.
Nothing could prepare me for what I learned. Apparently there's a "gay agenda" set to demolish the sanctity of marriage and tear apart society. The Gays are hellbent (heh heh) on destroying us all.
Words cannot express the horrors I've discovered. Thus, I've sketched out the future of all humanity on a series of cocktail napkins while drowning my sorrows in cheap alcohol...
And there you have it...
GAY MARRIAGE = THE END OF THE UNIVERSE!
Vote your conscience.
Posted on Sunday, June 15th, 2008
Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there... especially mine... on this fine Bullet Sunday!
• Snackiepoo! This afternoon at 3:00pm (Pacific Time) I will be a VERY SPECIAL GUEST STAR on Snackie Radio. Today's topic? How much is too much? Hilly and I have radically different blogging styles... I avoid anything personal and draw monkey cartoons in lieu of actual substance... Hilly wears her heart on her blog and bares her soul for all to see... what are the consequences to these very different approaches to blogging? How much information on your blog is too much? Is there such a thing as too little information when it comes to the internet? Will Dave ever get his tiara back? Tune in today and find out! (show contains language and situations which may be unsuitable for childre or small animals).
• Radio! And for other BlogTalk Radio goodness, I'd be remiss not to mention the entire BTR's Rocking Sunday Schedule... first up, Karl from Secondhand Radio will have his daughter and the Alive Campaign as his guest at 2:00pm Pacific, 5:00pm Eastern. Next up is the afore-mentioned Snackie Radio show with VERY SPECIAL GUEST STAR me! at 3:00pm Pacific, 6:00pm Eastern. And, lastly, Turnbaby is back on Turnbaby Talks with her special guest Mr. Shiny at 5:00pm Pacific, 8:00pm Eastern. It should be a very interesting night.
• iPhone! As expected, Apple released their new iPhone at the World Wide Developer's Conference this past Monday. It has the faster 3G internet access everybody has been clamoring for, but all I cared about is that it FINALLY has a frickin' GPS unit. I still feel it was profoundly stupid that the original model didn't have a hardware GPS, but better late than never, I suppose. Of course I simply must own one... even though the data plan is a total ripoff that now costs $10 more per month with NO TXT messages and still has NO MMS capabilities. The more things change...
• Shopper! What happens when you find out that a business you really like is owned by a complete and total asshole? How do you shop there anymore knowing what you now know? Does it matter that you've patronized the place for decades and love their stuff? Or is it just over once you discover it's run by a horribly wretched excuse of a human being? I've been wrestling with this dilemma for a week, and have come to the realization that my ethical beliefs simply won't allow me to step foot in this establishment ever again... much as I would like to shop there. Wouldn't the world be a much better place if we could just stay ignorant to the nastiness that plagues it?
• Televised! I had this idea of picking my favorite 100 television shows of all time and then listing ten of them each day with an explanation of why I liked them so much. For a television whore like me, it seemed a perfect fit for Blogography. Then common sense settled in, and I realized how much work it would be to actually do it. But I already had the list made up, so I decided to go ahead and post it in an extended entry.→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Posted on Monday, June 16th, 2008
Well, this is it. The last day before five months of non-stop adventure, fun, and excitement.
Sixteen flights. Eight car trips. Six train ride. Five rental cars. Heaven only knows how many hotels, shuttles, taxis, and subways.
That I know of.Some of my trips are open-ended to include the possibility of adding even more madness to my schedule. I am going to be one busy monkey...
I've done my best to organize my time and make sure everything is taken care of, but mentally there's just no way to prepare for what lies ahead.
Which is not to say that I'm not excited about some things that are coming up...
This Saturday is Daveattle 2!
If you are planning on attending Seattle's premiere blogger meet-up this year, please send me an email at email@example.com so I can forward the details.
And now, if you'll excuse me, it's time to pack my suitcase...
Posted on Tuesday, June 17th, 2008
Working out of the office is killer for me because the work back home doesn't stop. This means I am essentially working two jobs, both of which are exhausting... mentally and physically.
After two hours of driving over the mountains plus an additional hour of sitting in traffic hell once I reached Issaquah on I-90, I realized that I had left my MacBook Pro power adapter at home. Lovely. Ordinarily, this wouldn't be a big deal, because I could go to the local Apple Store and get a new one. But Seattle doesn't have an Apple Store. You either have to go to Tukwila, Lynwood, Bellevue, or the University of Washington. Since University Village is closest, I lured a co-worker with the promise of dinner and headed north.
Buying a new power adapter was as quick and painless as you'd expect from an Apple Store. No surprise there, because the shopping experience at all Apple Stores is flawless. I was in and out in five minutes.
We then decided to eat dinner across the parking lot at Johnny Rockets. I love their veggie burger, so it was an easy choice.
Unfortunately, they had run out of veggie burger patties.
ATTENTION JOHNNY ROCKETS MANAGERS!!! THERE IS NO FUCKING EXCUSE FOR RUNNING OUT OF VEGGIE BURGERS AT YOUR RESTAURANTS. NONE! THE VEGGIE PATTIES ARE FROZEN!!! THIS MEANS THEY DON'T LOSE FRESHNESS OR SPOIL, SO YOU CAN ORDER A COUPLE EXTRA CASES AND PUT THEM IN YOUR FREEZER. THAT WAY YOU WON'T PISS OFF VEGETARIANS BECAUSE THE ONLY BURGER THEY CAN EAT IS OUT OF STOCK. OH, AND ONE MORE THING... WHY NOT TRY KEEPING TRACK OF YOUR INVENTORY SO STUPID-ASS SHIT LIKE THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN? THAT MIGHT WORK TOO. —KTHXBAI
I mean, come on... does maintaining stock of a frozen item really equate to rocket science here?
Hmmm... I suppose that I should put away my computer so I can get a few hours sleep before I have to do this all over again tomorrow.
This would be a lot easier if my neighbors here at the hotel would put their squealing kids to bed. Since it's after 11:00pm now, I don't think that's asking too much.
Posted on Wednesday, June 18th, 2008
Everybody has a thing.
My thing is to draw cartoons on my blog.
Some people's thing is being able to tie a cherry stem in a knot using their tongue. Other people's thing is being able to talk backwards. Still other people's thing is to urinate in public places. "What is Reggie doing?" — "Oh, he's peeing in public... that's his thing." Yes, everybody has some kind of minor talent that they become known for, and it gets labeled "their thing."
After the tragedy in trying to get a veggie burger at the Johnny Rockets restaurant in University Village yesterday, I decided to ride the SLUT (Seattle Lake Union Trolley) down to Pacific Place and try the Johnny Rockets there. As I was walking by Nordstroms, I noticed a woman in a Seattle Seahawks jersey randomly saying "fuck you" to passing people.
Apparently that's her thing.
"FUCK YOU! — AND FUCK YOU! — AND FUCK YOU! — AND DEFINITELY FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING MUTHAFUCKER!!"
It was actually quite charming at first. But then I started thinking about the rough day I've had, and suddenly found myself undergoing a major philosophical shift. "Holy crap!," I said to myself, she's absolutely right! FUCK YOU EVERYBODY!!"
And I'm starting with those fuckers at the Webkinz eStore.
As Blogography readers know, I was given a Webkinz pet monkey by Ninja Poodle's daughter. Along with the physical stuffed animal, you also get to play with your pet online at Webkinz World, where my monkey looks like this...
Every day I have to login and play with my monkey... feed my monkey... help my monkey work in his garden... buy my monkey new toys... and so on. Knowing that I was going to be traveling for five months straight, I decided to have Zack, the nephew of a friend, check in on my monkey from time to time to make sure he doesn't die or something. The kid has a half-dozen Webkinz of his own, and they're all still alive, so I figured he was the man for the job. As a thank you, I bought him some stuff from the Webkinz eStore that he could give to his own pets.
After a couple days, I got a call from Zack letting me know that he liked the pirate ship bedroom I had built in my little corner of Webkinz World, and then told me that I should really buy the eStore Suit of Armor for my monkey because it would be really cool. When I visited the store, I agreed the armor looked pretty sweet, and paid $7.00 to buy it. I then emailed the purchase code to Zack so he could armor-up my monkey.
The next day I get another phone call. "The armor is broken! The gloves are missing and monkey looks lame! If he were to get in a fight, his arms would be cut off!" This was surprising, because when I bought the armor, it showed a full-suit. But when I logged in, I saw exactly what Zack was talking about. In reality, the armor looks nothing like what the picture showed, and my monkey was indeed now LAME...
So I wrote a complaint to the Webkinz eStore. Nobody wrote back, so I wrote another complaint. Today, they finally contacted me back... not by email, but by phone. They called me! After explaining the problem, the woman on the line basically told me "tough shit." The monkey doesn't have four paws, so the armor is going to look different on him. She then told me that maybe they would work on a way to show people what the armor would look like on the various pets so customers could make a more informed buying decision, but that's all they're going to do. They were not going to refund my $7.00.
Needless to say, this made me very pissed off.
I don't give a crap if my monkey doesn't have four paws... give him some gauntlet gloves instead then! That is, after all, how they advertise the Suite of Armor on the front page of their site when they say "Get your FULL armor here!"...
This is false advertising. My monkey does NOT have a FULL suit of armor! They LIE to people so they can rob them of $7.00, then send them some lame armor that looks NOTHING like what they are selling! It's a classic bait and switch con game and is ILLEGAL! But Webkinz is a popular and wealthy company, so they don't feel they owe their customers shit, and lying to everybody is perfectly okay.
WELL FUCK YOU!
It is so ON...
I'm just getting started on your lying Webkinz asses. You have no idea who you are fucking with...
Posted on Thursday, June 19th, 2008
I had thought that my Webkinz monkey's bloodlust would have subsided a bit after he took a day to calm down.
But that didn't happen at all.
Not only is my Webkinz monkey more enraged than ever since having been ripped off by the Webkinz eStore... but now he's positively homicidal. He keeps screaming "I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!!! HA HA HA HAAAAH!" as he runs around with the samurai sword he bought yesterday.
This is very disturbing.
Last I saw him, he was off to the Webkinz Adoption Center, where that Bird Lady works...
She really shouldn't have said that.
For the entirely disgusting and wholly inappropriate-for-chldren story of what happens next, you'll have to click through to an extended entry!→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Posted on Friday, June 20th, 2008
I'm getting drunk tonight, so I think I'll just sit back and let my Webkinz Monkey continue on with his revenge killing spree.
Not a good day for bears this time...
The remainder of this entry NOT appropriate for children or those who are traumatized by cartoon violence!→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Posted on Saturday, June 21st, 2008
Posted on Sunday, June 22nd, 2008
It's a very sad Bullet Sunday, as I just learned George Carlin has died.
• Broked. Sorry about the missing images from Friday's entry. I don't quite know what happened, but I'll look into it when I get off work on Monday.
• Daveattle. You might have noticed that I've added some new people to the "Bloggers I've Met" in my sidebar. That's because last night was Daveattle 2! I was ever so grateful that a terrific group of bloggers showed up to eat, drink, and chat... a good time was had by all...
• Evidence. It's always a good idea to bring a camera to these things, because you just never know when blackmail-worthy material is going to pop up. Not pictured is Bryan, who managed to avoid the cameras (which is pretty much what you have to do when you're wanted for murders in three states)...
The reason they all look so happy is because they're drunk.
Or maybe because Kristin brought fun prizes!
Dustin and Sizzle being sneaky.
Vahid and Sizzle strike a pose while The Fella serenades them.
Matt and Dustin agonize over trying to operate their tiny cameras.
Tracy gives Chris a prison tattoo, apparently making him her bitch.
A scary buffalo head at Linda's Tavern.
Kristin sharpening a knife so she can remove The Fella's spleen.
• Sleepytime. And that about wraps it up! Thanks to everybody who took time our of their valuable weekend to hang out, and I hope to see everybody again soon!
Posted on Monday, June 23rd, 2008
It was a beautiful disaster.
After carefully arranging all the pieces, my day ultimately ended up sucking copious amounts of ass. This was kind of sad, because there were a few very good things that happened amongst the madness.
Alas, I am still in the mood for some heinous bloodshed.
And the revenge of my Webkinz Monkey continues...
The remainder of this entry NOT appropriate for children or those who are traumatized by cartoon violence!→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Posted on Tuesday, June 24th, 2008
As you are probably aware from my ceaseless whining, I live a busy and complex life.
This would explain my obsession when it comes to finding ways of making common tasks easier and more efficient. Because the more time I'm able to save throughout the day, the more time I'm able to set aside for luxury activities like sleeping and going to the bathroom.
A couple weeks ago, I happened upon something new to me in the freezer case at my local grocery store: UNCRUSTABLES!!
These are tiny frozen sandwiches from Smuckers that you thaw out and eat without all that mucking about with a loaf of bread and making a mess. I tried the peanut butter and jellies first... both strawberry and grape were yummy. I then found grilled cheese... totally delicious. Sure they are horrible for your health, but they are just so darn convenient that I can't get enough of them...
Then the other day I ran across a NEW Uncrustables variety... peanut butter and honey. I like honey, so I bought a box to try.
Holy crap! I believe that this is what "suck" would taste like if you could distill the essence of suckage to a food product. On top of tasting horrible, I was shocked to discover that the "honey spread" contained any honey, because it tasted more like toxic waste. Sandwich FAIL!
Oh well. I guess you can't win them all... but did anybody at Smuckers bother to TASTE these things before selling them? When your motto is "With a name like Smuckers, it's got to be good," you'd think that they'd have to be a little more careful with the crap they actually put their name on.
And in other, more expected news...
I keep hoping my pet Webkinz monkey will calm down after having been ripped off by the Webkinz eStore, but it just hasn't happened. If anything, the little psychopath has escalated his game... getting more creative with his senseless killings. I think he's always resented the cat who works at the employment office, and saw him heading that way...
The remainder of this entry NOT appropriate for children or those who are traumatized by cartoon violence!→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Posted on Wednesday, June 25th, 2008
Today as I was driving home from work, I was following a car that had been custom-slammed to the pavement so hard that even the slightest bump in the road made it bottom out. Because of this, the dumbass driver never went over 10 miles per hour the entire time I had to follow his stupid ass.
For the life of me, I don't understand the appeal of modifying a car like this for everyday use.
Even if you think it looks cool to lower your car to ridiculous levels, it's not as if you look cool while driving it. You look like a total tool who can't go the speed limit. That's just sad. And irritating. And should be illegal.
Or punishable by death.
And speaking of death...
After my Webkinz monkey was ripped off by the Webkinz eStore, I've been having to deal with an ever-escalating amount of violence as he seeks revenge. I didn't mind at first, but he's been making a real mess lately. And here he goes again...
Posted on Thursday, June 26th, 2008
This is a recorded message.
Dave is not here right now.
Dave and his monkey are guest-blogging over at Cynical Dad today...
Unfortunately, Dave's Webkinz pet is still on a rampage. After being ripped off by the Webkinz eStore, his righteous fury has resulted in a swath of death and destruction through Webkinz World that shows no signs of stopping. When he was last spotted, he was headed towards The Wish Factory...
Posted on Friday, June 27th, 2008
Ummm... yeah... the idea I had for today's entry is going to have to wait. It's been a heck of a day.
This morning I awoke to that all-to-familiar feeling of a pending Angioedema attack. This time in my tongue again. It was that itchy-stabbing sensation that tells me I need to immediately consume massive quantities of Benadryl.
Fortunately, Benadryl will reverse the swelling before it gets too bad.
Unfortunately, Benadryl is like a sedative and makes you sleepy.
But the horror didn't end there. I've apparently gotten a bad batch of disposable contact lenses, because pair after pair I stuck in my eyes felt like sandpaper.
So there I was at work, falling asleep at my desk with a swollen tongue and agonizing eyeballs, when the trifecta of evil descended on my morning. MIGRAINE HEADACHE!!
Needless to say, it was not a very productive day.
But I'm feeling better now. The swelling has gone... I'm wearing glasses so my eyes are feeling better... and I took Special Pills so I've downgraded from migraine to headache.
Unfortunately, missing a day of work means that I'll be working all weekend trying to get caught up.
Unless, of course, my appendix decides to explode in the middle of the night.
It could happen.
Posted on Saturday, June 28th, 2008
I always wonder if people truly understand what they are getting into?
Posted on Sunday, June 29th, 2008
It's an early edition of Bullet Sunday, because I'll be working my ass off all day trying to get caught up on the work I missed from my allergy attack on Friday.
• Pride Weekend. This weekend is host to Pride Weekend parades in many cities (including Seattle, San Francisco, Chicago, and more). It's a totally fabulous annual celebration of lesbian-gay-bisexual-transgender life and history. Taking a cue from a wonderful entry over at Sizzle Says, I thought I'd blog my support for the GLBT community since I am unable to show up and offer my support in person. I have too many friends being treated like second class citizens because of who they are and I'm sick of it. When people are being persecuted and discriminated against unjustly, something needs to be said. I'm happy to add my voice to the party. Bad Monkey, however, just wants an excuse to get drunk and run around naked...
• Aptly Named. The reason my real name is on my blog is because when I started I didn't know any better. Also, it was originally written specifically for my friends and family so they could keep up with where I was and what I was up to. I never dreamed that other people would want to read it. Things kind of escalated from there, and it's too late to do anything about it now. So when I read crazy speculation to the contrary by people who don't even know me... part of me finds it mildly amusing. The other part doesn't.
• Shel Puppet. When noted social media author and consultant Shel Israel was given a video channel at Robert Scoble's FastCompany.tv, it ended up being a train wreck of near-biblical proportions. The interviews he posted there gave entirely new definition to the word "disaster" and the "blogging pros" were merciless in their criticism. Instead of chalking it up as a learning experience, Shel Israel came unhinged when parody videos started popping up by Loren Feldman of 1938 Media, starring Shel Israel... THE PUPPET! The videos were everything that the "real" Shel Israel videos were not... smart, insightful, and entertaining. But yesterday it was announced that Loren would stop posting the videos, having made his point. I'm a little sad about that, because I've grown to love Shel Puppet and his kick-ass videos! Here's one of my favorites, where he interviews Digg's Kevin Rose...
• Mostly Frozen. With the weather as hot as it has been, I find myself eating a lot of frozen foods. And I don't mean frozen foods that are cooked. I mean ice cream for breakfast, frozen candy bars for lunch, and popsicles for dinner. I'd try to justify this unhealthy and very odd behavior, but my Chips Ahoy cookies should be frozen by now, and I need a bedtime snack.
• DC Sucks. Somebody had to say it... DC Comics officially sucks ass. I am just sick over how frakin' stupid things have gotten with my once-favorite comic book company. Continuity is a convoluted mess that's been screwed over with so many revisions and ret-cons that it's incomprehensible. I pity the new reader wanting to start into comics who is unfortunate enough to try and pick up a current issue of most any DC book. They finally streamlined their "universe" with the groundbreaking Crisis on Infinite Earths, only to completely destroy everything in the years that followed (don't even get me started on 52, Infinite Crisis, and Countdown, which were tragically bad). The last straw for me is yet another incomprehensible "DC Event" called Final Crisis. Not only is it another confusing suck-fest of a mess, but I've just learned that YET AGAIN the art chores are changing mid-story. WHAT THE HELL? IS NOBODY STEERING THE SHIP AT DC?!? Rumor has it that Editor in Chief Dan DiDio is going to be replaced, and it's about fucking time. It's going to take some major, major changes to salvage what's left of DC Comics. Hopefully they find somebody with the balls (or ovaries!) to do the job. If DC can ditch the floodgates of quantity that have replaced the superior goal ofquality, things can be good again.
And now I suppose I should get some sleep so I can wake up early and get shit done.
Hopefully my allergies will cooperate.
Posted on Monday, June 30th, 2008
Why is it that I just can't catch a break?
Once... just once I'd like to have my travel plans work out as I arranged them without having to worry about cancellations, schedule changes, and the myriad of other disasters that seem to plague me every single time I leave home. And, of course, it's always the things that I want to do that get sacrificed for the things I have to do when things go sideways. Always. It's as if fate has dictated that all I ever get to do is work, and any time I make plans for a bit of personal happiness in-between the never-ending battle that is my life, I get screwed.
Yesterday I made a short video for Bullet Sunday that I was unable to get uploaded because YouTube kept dropping me. At the time I made it, I was totally joking about how I got through my day... but after this morning, I'm wondering if this is a viable solution to making my crappy life bearable...
Now I have to get ready to go to the dentist.
And because going to the dentist is such big fun, naturally nothing comes along to change those plans.
As always, a video transcript follows in an extended entry...→ Click here to continue reading this entry...