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Posted on Tuesday, June 24th, 2008

Dave!As you are probably aware from my ceaseless whining, I live a busy and complex life.

This would explain my obsession when it comes to finding ways of making common tasks easier and more efficient. Because the more time I'm able to save throughout the day, the more time I'm able to set aside for luxury activities like sleeping and going to the bathroom.

A couple weeks ago, I happened upon something new to me in the freezer case at my local grocery store: UNCRUSTABLES!!

These are tiny frozen sandwiches from Smuckers that you thaw out and eat without all that mucking about with a loaf of bread and making a mess. I tried the peanut butter and jellies first... both strawberry and grape were yummy. I then found grilled cheese... totally delicious. Sure they are horrible for your health, but they are just so darn convenient that I can't get enough of them...

Uncrustables boxes by Smuckers


Then the other day I ran across a NEW Uncrustables variety... peanut butter and honey. I like honey, so I bought a box to try.

Holy crap! I believe that this is what "suck" would taste like if you could distill the essence of suckage to a food product. On top of tasting horrible, I was shocked to discover that the "honey spread" contained any honey, because it tasted more like toxic waste. Sandwich FAIL!

Totally disgusting box of Uncrustables Peanut Butter and Honey

Oh well. I guess you can't win them all... but did anybody at Smuckers bother to TASTE these things before selling them? When your motto is "With a name like Smuckers, it's got to be good," you'd think that they'd have to be a little more careful with the crap they actually put their name on.

And in other, more expected news...

I keep hoping my pet Webkinz monkey will calm down after having been ripped off by the Webkinz eStore, but it just hasn't happened. If anything, the little psychopath has escalated his game... getting more creative with his senseless killings. I think he's always resented the cat who works at the employment office, and saw him heading that way...

Cat Before

The remainder of this entry NOT appropriate for children or those who are traumatized by cartoon violence!

Monkey Ebola

Cat After

Blech. It's the old "Ebola Virus In The Coffee Cup" trick!

I hate it when that happens.

Though I can't help but think that adding Ebola to Uncrustables peanut butter and honey would be an improvement.

Categories: Food 2008, Internets 2008Click To It: Permalink


  1. Winter says:

    Motley and I love the PBJ Uncrustables. We didn’t know about the grilled cheese ones. We still make grilled cheese the old fashioned way, real butter and Velveeta. We won’t bother looking for the honey ones.

    Nice Ebola virus BTW. I’m loving the Webkinz monkey. He has a lot more personality than other Webkinz.

  2. Suzy says:

    My friends tell me I do not have healthy eating habits. I’m just happy that I found someone who is worse than me. God Bless You Tiny Tim.

  3. Jeff says:

    OMG You’ve put me into fits!

  4. Karl says:

    Damn, it’s easy to fall for the Ebola virus in the coffee trick.

  5. Iron Fist says:

    That was a good choice. If he had gone with anthrax DHS would have totally been after Bad Monkey. Not that they would ever be able to catch him, of course.

  6. My kid has been eating those for years and he loves them. We haven’t tried the new honey PB ones, so I’ll take your advice and skip them 🙂

  7. The Matt says:

    Note to self: Don’t f*ck with Dave’s monkey…

  8. How are you just discovering uncrustables. They have been around forever.

  9. MsBatman says:

    I’m thinking I could probably top the Peanut butter and honey crustables in the suckage department. My brother-in-law came home once with several packages of pb&j singles. Like Kraft Singles. It was processed peanut butter and ‘fruit roll-up like jelly’ pressed together and individually wrapped. Take 2 pieces of bread and slap this atrocity between them. Instant sandwich. Kids loved then, but I’m sure just for the novelty of it. I looked like plastic.. or rubber. Too disgusting for me to eat.

  10. jenny says:

    OMG – I think Ebola virus might be my favorite revenge so far.

    And I totally love to make my own peanut butter and honey sandwiches, so I would’ve fallen for the uncrustables version, too.

  11. ADW says:

    I refuse to feel guilty because I by Uncrustables from Costco in BULK. My little boy loves them and they are so convenient when packing daycare lunches. Just because I am not opening up a package of bread, dirtying two knives, getting out the PB and J and all of the other associated work DOES NOT make me a lazy mom. It makes me a smart worker. Yeah that’s it. Now, if I could just get rid of this old fashioned guilt thing and get back to slaving for the man…..

  12. Dar says:

    LOL @ the Ebola virus. Pure genius.

  13. Avitable says:

    I tried the Uncrustable PB&J and Grilled Cheese and didn’t find them to be delicious. Passable at best, I though.

  14. I think I should probably get a Webkinz too. This game looks like a lot of fun!

  15. jewelz916 says:

    I can handle geese, ducks, and bears getting their fair come-uppance….but now Bad Webkinz Monkey has wandered into the kitty category, and I luvs me some kitties!!! For the love of all things holy, put Bad Webkinz Monkey on some meds…STAT!

  16. You can call me, 'Sir' says:

    Ohhhh, nicely played, monkey!

    I know some folks down the hall in microbiology that play with e-coli quite a bit. Want me to box some up and send it your way?

  17. Kyra says:

    None of those smuckers things look good to me… blecht.

  18. sizzle says:

    I’m really enjoying this phrase; “essence of suckage.”

  19. Benjamin says:

    Yeah they have those pb&j uncrustables at lunch to buy at my school.

    Sure they’re yummy but, if I remember correctly something like 320 Calories.

    Never heard of the grilled cheese ones, I might go pick up a box.

  20. nicole says:

    oh ebola in the coffee cup thats a dastardly thing to do!!

    Dave those are amazing things to do!! i can’t wait till i get a webkinz and maybe he will go homicidal too!! i have the u.b. funkeys and there just as menacing.

  21. bluepaintred says:

    wait. is the Smucker’s thing a REAL product? Like really real?

  22. metalmom says:

    I think that the honey is made with ebola.

  23. Jen says:

    I’ve been admiring your Webkinz artwork, and, well… you are dark and twisted and oh-so-wrong. And I think I love you.

    (Also, my son saw your “Weapons” store category and said “COOL! Where is that? I want that one and that one and that one! Is this in New Items?” and he ran off to check it out for himself and discover exactly what crippling disappointment is.)

  24. Liz says:

    Ewww, those peanut butter and honey ones take me back to the elementary school cafeteria where they’d serve us this disgusting fake pb/honey mix on bread that looked like it had been run over by the truck that delivered it. The only thing worse was the grey meat in the lasagna. Yuck!

  25. Beth says:

    The thing with the Uncrustables is that Smuckers is a JELLY company – am I right? So, explain why they have PB&J, Cheese, PB&Honey and also JUST Peanut Butter. But for my kid who hates PB there is no such thing as a Smuckers Just Jelly Uncrustable…..FROM A JELLY COMPANY. Alas, I continue to slave away my days making Jelly sandwiches on a daily basis – the old fashioned way. Just Jelly is the only sandwich my kid will eat and I’m befuddled as to why the jelly company doesn’t have one!!?? SUCH a disappointment…

  26. Chris says:

    mmmm… tasty tasty Ebola

  27. kapgar says:

    You’d never seen Uncrustables before? I wonder if they’re just new to your market b/c my brother’s been buying them for about four years now.

  28. Charlene says:

    I got my gun ready if you need it


  29. Jacki says:

    Dave, thought that it was time that someone pointed out to you that Supermarkets have more isles than just the frozen section.
    Convienient foods are also available in dehydrated versions as well.
    I imagine your kitchen with no cupboards – just an industrial walk-in freezer.

  30. I sent the honey ones in my daughter’s lunch box last year and she called me crying from school begging me to bring her something else. You should have asked me if they were good. I think I might even still have the rest in the freezer.

  31. Oh my gosh, I love Uncrustables. They’re perfect to toss in the back pocket of my bicycling jersey. By the time I’m ready for a snack it’s thawed and ready.

  32. B. M. Lee says:

    Yes those “Smuckers things” are a real product. Our high school used to serve those for lunch. They would heat the grilled cheese ones up, while they were still in the bag. They tasted OK at best. I liked the strawberry jelly and peanut butter ones though.

  33. Finn says:

    My son loves the PB&J ones. I haven’t even ventured to taste one yet. Maybe someday…

    Where do you find the time to draw all these things?

  34. Alexis says:

    OMG, not Tabby Von Meow!!! She was my favorite! *sniffle* If Bad Monkey wants to go after somebody, point him in the direction of Arte at the Curio Shop…he’s always annoyed me….

    I was going to invite Bad Monkey to a pool party with my little Webkinz family, but I think I’ll wait until I’m assured he won’t eviscerate everyone and then pee in the pool. 😉

  35. ChillyWilly says:

    I’ve tried the PB&J Uncrustables before. But didn’t realize they had a grilled cheese version. I may have to get some of these and put them in my little fridge at work for a snack. I’m assuming they are microwavable.

  36. Dave2 says:

    YES! Complete with a crisping sleeve… which doesn’t make them very crispy, but it does keep them from going soggy.

  37. Dory says:

    I discovered these a couple years ago and they’re absolutely fantastic for taking the kids to the park for a picnic. The extra price is worth the time saved and convenience, I think. More time for laying under a tree listening to the iPod while the kids kill each other on the playground.

  38. just says:


    • Daver says:

      I don’t hate peanut butter and honey… I hate the Uncrustables bastardized version of it that tastes nothing like peanut butter and honey. Are things really so boring in Phoenix that trolling people who don’t like shitty food is entertainment for you? Really? Alrighty then… rock on.

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