Sometimes things happen in life that make a person feel so very small and insignificant...

As somebody who tries to live larger than life, this is not a happy feeling for me.

This is a pre-recorded episode of Blogography from Thursday, May 31.

I just don't get the massive excitement over the annual Scripps National Spelling Bee. Heck, I don't understand the excitement over any spelling bee. Because, when you think about it, the fact that the English language is so f#@%ed up that they can build contests around how to spell words is kind of embarrassing. You would think any language worth its salt would have words you could spell just by hearing somebody pronounce them. The fact that you can't do so with English leads me to think that something is broken.

And, as if the embarrassment wasn't bad enough, I find spelling bees incredibly boring and artificially dramatic.

Take for instance the mind-numbing routine that contestants go through for even the simplest of words...

ANNOUNCER: Your word is "cat."
CONTESTANT: Can you repeat the word please?
ANNOUNCER: Cat.
CONTESTANT: Can you use it in a sentence?
ANNOUNCER: Mrs. brown liked to stroke her pet cat.
CONTESTANT: What is the origin of the word?
ANNOUNCER: It's Middle English derived from Old English and Germanic languages.
CONTESTANT: Can you repeat the word again?
ANNOUNCER: Cat.
CONTESTANT: Are there any alternate pronunciations for the word?
ANNOUNCER: No.
CONTESTANT: May I have the definition?
ANNOUNCER: A small carnivorous mammal which has been domesticated since early times.
CONTESTANT: That's pronounced "cat?"
ANNOUNCER: Yes.
CONTESTANT: May I have the extended definition?
ANNOUNCER: Any of the various mammals of the family Felidae, including lions and tigers.
CONTESTANT: Can I hear it in a sentence again?
ANNOUNCER: Mrs. brown liked to stroke her pet cat.
CONTESTANT: Can you repeat the word?
ANNOUNCER: Cat.
CONTESTANT: What part of speech is that?
ANNOUNCER: It's a noun.
CONTESTANT: Can you repeat the word one more time?
ANNOUNCER: Cat.
CONTESTANT: K-H-A-A-T.
ANNOUNCER: =DING!= I'm sorry, that's incorrect.

In contrast to that bullshit, here would be the Dave National Spelling Bee...

DAVE: Your word is "cat."
CONTESTANT: Can you repeat the word please?
DAVE: WHAT?!? It's cat! Your word is f#@%ing CAT! You are in a national spelling bee and can't spell cat?!?
CONTESTANT: Can you use it in a sentence?
DAVE: Get the f#@% off my stage, bitch!

Now I would absolutely tune in to watch that shit... but to watch the ESPN coverage of Scripps would make me lose my mind. Because, seriously, now that all the computers have spell-check, what's the point? And it's not like anybody uses even a fraction of the words they make you spell anyway. Trapanasomiasis? Cephalalgia? Appoggiatura? Are you serious?

How about they start having a GRAMMAR competition? Watching somebody who knows the difference between "their" and "they're"... now that's exciting.

This is a pre-recorded episode of Blogography from Thursday, May 31.

I'm pretending it's Sunday so I can whip out some bullets that will post when the most magical day of the week appears!

• Health Food... Why is it every time I find a new food I like that I have to go looking at the Nutrition Facts, only to find out that eating it will kill me? The Schwan's Man had a brand new item called "Grilled Cheese Toastwiches," which have all the deliciousness of a grilled cheese sandwich, but without the back-breaking labor of having to put cheese between slices of bread and heating it up. Nope, with Grilled Cheese Toastwiches, you just pop them in the toaster! Sweet! At least they were, until I found out each piece has 25% of the daily amount of saturated fat you should eat in a day. This sucks ass! Especially since I've already had three pieces today. I guess that means I am 75% closer to death.

• Kaleidoscope Toons... Posting yet another couple of frames showing progress with my DaveToon video. This is another scene I worked on while I was on vacation. Much of the video has lots of animated elements, so I was trying to come up with some simpler scenes to break things up a bit. Believe it or not, these always end up taking far more time to animate than the ones with far more going on. I have no idea why...

In the final video, I had planned for the kaleidoscope background to have some kind of filter applied to it... possibly one that makes it look more "dreamy." But the more I look at the scene in motion, the more I question a need for a filter, because the bright colors are a nice contrast to the black suits. =Sigh= I can see that completing the animation for this project is going to be just the beginning...

• World Round... As I was updating my travel map to reflect my recent vacation, I noticed that my trip to Egypt means I can check another continent off my list. Granted, it's not a lot of Africa to have seen, but it still counts! That leaves just three continents left to see: South America, Australia, and... ANTARCTICA?!? South America and Australia will almost certainly happen one day, but Antarctica? Doing a little research, I find that it's not as difficult as I had first thought to visit, because there are tour ships that go there. All it takes is money. Lots of money. The good news is that it would be an automatic two-for-one trip, because all the tours leave from South America. The bad news is that the cost is also two-for-one... first you've got to spend the money to get to Cape Horn, then you've got the cost of the ship tour on top of it. Does anybody have around $15,000 burning a hole in their pocket to finance my Antarctic adventure?

• Members Project... American Express has unveiled "The Members Project," which is a program whereas cardholders can submit ideas for a prize up to five million dollars so they can make a positive impact on the world. It's actually a pretty cool idea, and they lined up some all-star talent to advertise it in a commercial. You get Martin Scorsese directing, who also appear in the spot along with Andre Agassi, Sheryl Crow, Ellen DeGeneres, Alicia Keys, and skateboarder Shaun White. The odd part is that the commercial is interrupted by a guy from "the office next door" who is named "Tim." This is the same guy that does the video introduction at the Members Project website...

"People fought wars just so we could eat pizza on the wrong night!" —Norris Michelsky

But here's the thing... "Tim" isn't just some random guy. I'm pretty sure it's actor David Alan Basche, who has been in a number of television and movie projects, including one of my favorite shows ever, Oh Grow Up! In many ways, this makes him a bigger star to me than any of the "big-name" stars in the commercial, which is why it cracked me up when I saw it. I also get mad that Oh Grow Up! hasn't been released on DVD, but that's beside the point.

• Cattlecar Galaxica... I was very disappointed to learn that, in addition to Veronica Mars being canceled, Battlestar Galactica is ending after the upcoming fourth season. If there's one piece of good news about it, the decision to end the show came directly from the producers. They saw that the story was heading to an ending, and decided to take it there rather than draw things out until nobody cared anymore. I sure hope that some decent shows arrive for the new Fall TV season... because if this keeps up, there won't be anything on for me to watch.

Well that wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be... I should pretend it's Sunday every day!

This is a pre-recorded episode of Blogography from Thursday, May 31.

Not only do I have to pretend it's Monday, but I also have to pretend to write in somebody else's blog! Assuming that everything went as planned and I found somebody to post my entry, I'm filling in over at Kapgar today. But be forewarned, I used this as a shameless opportunity to draw up some DaveToons that I've never been brave enough to post in my own blog. Somehow it doesn't bother me to sink to new levels of tastelessness and debauchery on somebody else's blog though. I'm such a cheeky bastard.

Click here to read it... if you dare.

This is a pre-recorded episode of Blogography from Thursday, May 31.

I've just written five entries (plus a guest-blogger entry!) to post while I am distracted from blogging for a bit, which means I've got two to go until I (hopefully) return to "live" daily blogging again next this Thursday. The problem is that I have nothing left to write about. Well, I probably do, but I've been future-blogging for almost two hours now and feel empty. Things become even more complicated when you consider how the world of next Tuesday might have changed since I wrote this entry (and how disappointing would it be if the planet explodes before this is even posted?).

So I decided to make a list of nine cool things that could happen in the next five days before this entry posts. Why nine? Because it fits so nicely in a three-by-three grid...

• DirecTV adds the Elizabeth Hurley Channel which runs her films, shows, and appearances 24/7.
• Pat Robertson's hateful, idiotic ass is caught in a gay porn sex scandal and he is never seen again.
• Steve Jobs announces that he is running for President of the United States of America.
• Apple ships MacOS X Leopard four months early.
• Somebody at Coca Cola Company realizes they were stupid, and brings back Coke with Lime.
• Somebody at the WB Network realizes they were stupid, and un-cancels Veronica Mars.
• Sony Pictures Home Entertainment announces that Jeremy Piven's Cupid is being released on DVD.
• A wealthy Blogography fan puts me in their will, then dies leaving me ONE BILLION DOLLARS!
• Flying cars! We finally get our f#@%ing flying cars!!

Wow... can I just interject here to say that Kristen Bell and I would make a cute couple? She should totally date me!

Anyway, now that I am done playing Nostradaveus, I suppose I should get to work on my (hopefully) final prerecorded entry. Heaven only knows what I will come up with to write... maybe I should just draw a DaveToon and be done with it? Though I just finished drawing four of them for Kapgar, so I don't know if I really feel like doing another one tonight.

If only I could find those naked pictures, my problem would be solved...

OMG! I TOTALLY FORGOT HOW TO BLOG!!

But if that doesn't frighten you away, I ramble on for quite a bit in an extended entry...

It occurs to me, after having spent the last two days scheduling the next three months of my life, that every single day from now through August is completely booked. I sure hope I don't get sick or something... I just don't have time for that kind of nonsense. Even more disappointing, I don't have room in my schedule to play video games.

It was then that I started taking a look at my daily activities to see where my time goes. I figure if I can identify wasted minutes in my routine, I can apply them to something more worthwhile... like unlocking "Bounty Hunter Mode" in Xbox Lego Star Wars 2.

Here is what I came up with to add more time in a day...

• Wear "Depends" adult diapers to eliminate time spent going to the bathroom (15-20 minutes).
• Don't shower or clean up in the morning (15 minutes).
• Don't wash clothes (30 minutes).
• Stop reading other people's blogs (1-2 hours).
• Stop writing in my own blog (15-20 minutes).
• Stop eating (1 hour).
• Don't sleep anymore (4-5 hours).
• Stop replying to emails and delete them instead (1-2 hours).
• Stop watching The Daily Show and The Colbert Report (1 hour).
• Stop watching everything else on television (2-4 hours).
• Stop surfing the internet for porn (4 hours).
• Quit working (11-18 hours).

The beauty of this plan is that even the worst-case scenario frees up 27 hours in my schedule every day... while the best-case scenario gives me a whopping 36 extra hours! Just think of all the fun stuff I could do with 36 free hours in my day! Not only would I have time to completely finish Xbox Star Wars Lego 2, but I'd also finally have time to play Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess on my Wii.

I suppose the alternative to such a drastic change in my lifestyle would be to multi-task. Perhaps I could go to the bathroom, surf for porn, eat, and watch television all at the same time? I'd do all that while taking a shower, but I don't think my MacBook is waterproof.

And now I'm off to Seattle. I think that I will drive double the speed limit so I can cut my travel time in half. I prefer to think of this as "time management" as opposed to "illegal."

I'm sure the police will feel the same way once I explain how I've finally unlocked Lando Calrissian as a playable character in Xbox Star Wars Lego 2, and need to rescue Han from the bounty hunter.

I'm blogging Bullet Sunday and don't even have an internet connection to post it!

• Driven... I really don't like driving over to Seattle when it's raining, because people tend to drive like morons when it's wet out. Yesterday proved to be no exception, as my two-hour trip stretched into three full hours of non-stop torture. I need to become a billionaire so I can afford to hire a car and driver to handle this stuff for me. Then I could just sit back and play Nintendo or watch movies, which sounds a lot better than screaming my head off all afternoon at stupid people who don't know how to drive.

• Olympic... The London 2012 Olympic Games logo has been revealed, and I just don't get it. Every designer I talk to is absolutely horrified that this thing is in any way indicative of the direction graphic design is heading. I can only guess that the team working on the logo decided to continue the shocking trend of abandoning good design principles that's been going around lately, and extrapolate how bad things will get five years from now when the logo will actually be in use. If this end result is indicative of what I'm going to be expected to design in 2012, I might as well quit my job and start a new career. I wonder if I would get Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes for free if I took a job at Taco Bell?

• Hi-Def... Now that my piece-of-shit Panasonic DVD Player/Recorder, which has never been able to record a single DVD, has decided that it doesn't want to play any DVDs either, I'm in the market for a new machine. I'm thinking that I would like to go for an HD player now that the prices are starting to come down, but am really confused by the whole "HD-DVD vs. Blu-Ray" format war that's going on. I like Sony equipment okay so I was thinking of going with Blu-Ray, but since I don't think that Sony hasn ever had a successful media format (Beta Tape, MiniDisc, and ATRAC come to mind), I wonder if that would be wise. I guess when I have some free time in about three months, I'll have to sit down and do some research. With any luck, one format will win out by then, but I'm not holding my breath.

&bull iPhonery... As TV commercials are released for Apple's iPhone, I find myself wanting one more and more. Whether I actually end up getting one is going to depend on how expensive AT&T Mobile makes it to own one. Because if I buy an iPhone, I am absolutely going to want to use all the cool features it has, and to do that will almost certainly require an unlimited data access plan. If this is going to cost more than $30 a month, I don't know that it would be worth the cost... no matter how cool it is. Oh well, there's a mere 19 days until we find out, so I guess all will be revealed soon enough...

I hope the local McDonalds has internet so I can post this when I stop for breakfast tomorrow morning. Nothing quite like surfing the web while eating an Egg & Cheese Biscuit and a carton of milk on a Monday morning.

I don't know why, but tourists tend to stand out more in Seattle than they do in other cities.

It's not that the tourists are any more or less annoying here, they just seem to be badly out of place somehow. And I'm not talking about the superficial things like walking around with cameras, maps, and guide books and stuff, it's just something in the way they move and react that doesn't feel right. Could just be me, but when I bring it up with other people... even friends who are here being tourists themselves... they get what I am talking about.

Though, just like everywhere else on the planet, you do run into the occasional stupid tourist. People who show up with no clue as to where they are or what they are doing. A classic example could be had as I was standing in line at hotel registration this morning. Two dumbass bitches cut in front of me (with one of them screaming "I JUST NEED TO ASK A QUICK QUESTION!!") and yelled at the front desk guy "IS THERE A STARBUCKS NEARBY? WE WANT COFFEE!!"

To his credit, the guy was really professional and told them that there were shops on either side of the hotel. This was really nice of him, because my reply would have been something more like "BITCH, YOU ARE IN F#@%ING DOWNTOWN SEATTLE! THERE ARE ABOUT TWENTY STARBUCKS WITHIN A FIVE-MINUTE WALK OF THIS HOTEL! JUST TRIP YOUR STUPID ASS OUT THE DOOR AND OPEN YOUR F#@%ING EYES!* Which is actually kind of an understatement. Asking where to find a Starbucks in downtown Seattle is like walking into a strip club and asking where the titties are, because they're all around you...

Map taken from the totally cool FindByClick site.

On the bright side, I sure do have a nice view from my hotel room. Since I will be sitting here all day working, that's pretty sweet. The monorail track is right below my window, so I get to watch the trains go back and forth...

In other news, my personal hero Steve Jobs delivered the keynote address to a crowd of Mac developer whores at Apple's Worldwide Developer's Conference today (you can watch a video of it here). There wasn't really any revolutionary news coming out of San Francisco this morning, just more pretty demos of the next MacOS (code-named Leopard). Overall, I remain impressed, and can't wait until October to get my copy.

But one piece of Leopard is available today... the beta of Apple's Safari web browser. It's pretty cool, adding long-desired features like movable tabs, resizable text entry boxes, and inline search...

Apple has also released a version of Safari for Windows which may turn out to be a really smart move. If a nice chunk of Windows sufferers start using Safari, perhaps web developers will work harder to make their stuff more compatible with my browser of choice. I question as to whether this can actually happen, but I guess it's worth a try.

Anyway, I have a Johnny Rockets' Streamliner Burger with no grilled onions (add cheese) calling my name for dinner, and then I need to rush right back so I can try to get some sleep before a very busy day of work tomorrow.

Gee... does anybody know if there is a McDonalds in Seattle for breakfast in the morning?

* Please excuse the harsh language... I've been watching HBO's "revolutionary" and "ground-breaking" new show John from Cincinnati. I find the show's story of a child-like stranger who changes people's lives to be boring, predictable, and a total rip-off of the film/show Starman. The only thing "revolutionary" and "groundbreaking" is that the characters say "f#@%" about ten times in every sentence. Which, I suppose, is to be expected from the producers of HBO's previous overly-profanity-laden series Deadwood. Bleh.

"The 24-bit eggplant will be analyzed!"

I always pay a visit to Rotten Tomatoes before I even think about seeing a movie. But when I noticed that Satoshi Kon had a new film out called パプリカ (Papurika = Paprika) I didn't care what any critic might have to say. This is the genius behind one of the best animated films ever, Millennium Actress, and I knew immediately that I simply must see it. I had essentially been working two jobs all day, and this was just what I needed to decompress before going back to the hotel for another five hours of work that still needed to be done.

Turns out I didn't need to worry. Rotten Tomatoes has an aggregated score of 90% Fresh for Paprika, and I totally loved it.

The story centers around a brilliant woman psychologist named Dr. Chiba who is working with a team of dream research scientists. Thanks to the invention of a device known as "DC Mini" she can enter the dreams of patients as her psychic alter-ego, Paprika, and help them with their psychological problems. Unfortunately, a set of three DC Mini devices are stolen, and somebody is using them to merge reality into the dream world. It's now up to Dr. Chiba/Paprika to figure out how to track down the devices, find out who is behind the theft, and save the world from madness.

The result is a mind-bending explosions of animated imagery that's about the coolest thing you'll see this year.

To be honest though, this movie will not appeal to everybody. People who don't care for Japanese anime may be put off by the fantastical story elements and nonsensical visuals that permeate the film. Another problem is that the plot for Paprika may be difficult to follow for those used to having every last detail spelled out for them, and don't like to use their imagination to fill in the blanks. But if you can put your brain on hold and just go with it, this in one film that's really worth seeing.

And as much as I enjoyed Paprika, the movie soundtrack is almost even more impressive, and has some very cool music by Susumu Hirasawa (who also scored Millennium Actress). The film's theme song The Girl in Byakkoya has been stuck in my head from the moment the movie started. Fortunately the track is available at the iTunes Music Store, so I can obsess over it until my mind goes mooshy. If you even think you might like Japanese Electronica... you can sample the album at iTMS (Meditation Field and A Drop Filled with Memories are beautiful).

Lastly, for anybody interested, Apple has the super-sweet movie trailer for Paprika on their QuickTime site, which will give you a taste of what you're in for (turn your volume way up to hear that amazing Hirasawa soundtrack!).

How depressing that Japan regularly cranks out these amazing animated art-pieces that are challenging and thought-provoking, and we get tired retread shit like Shrek III. Blargh.

I am about ready to cry.

And I don't mean actually cry... like when you get kicked in the balls... or Veronica Mars gets canceled... or you have kidney stones or something. I'm talking about that fake sobbing you do when you want to garner sympathy-sex from your girlfriend or get a cookie from your grandmother. The kind of over-the-top weeping that kids do when things don't go their way.

All because I'm feeling horrible and I'm exhausted and I just had to drive 2-1/2 hours home.

And now I have to write in my blog.

But I don't feel like writing in my blog, so I'm thinking if I cry everybody will feel sorry for me and either offer me sympathy-sex or a cookie. And that would be better than everybody being mad at me because I don't feel like writing anything tonight.

I took a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup bar to work today so I'd have something to eat for lunch. Unfortunately, I left it in my car which sat out in 80-degree heat so, instead of peanut butter cups, I had warm peanut butter goo. I ate it anyway... well, not so much "ate" as "sucked it out of the package." While I admit that's pretty sad, the idea of peanut butter and chocolate going to waste just doesn't seem right.

In other news, my gun finally arrived today.

When my T-shirt order is printed at the end of the month, I have two small orders that are being shipped to a shop. This was kind of unexpected, as I had only planned to sell them in my Artificial Duck Co. store, but the shop-owner who contacted me was really cool and so I agreed to give it a try. Wanting to be all professional-like, I decided I would tag the shirts just like you see in actual clothing stores.

To do that, I had to buy a gun and some tags...

The tags, which were printed by Moo, look great. But it's the tagging gun that is super-sweet. It's got this giant needle on the front that you can punch through just about anything and put a tag in it. And I have. About the only thing that I haven't tagged yet is parts of my own body. I'm trying to work up the courage to tag my ear, because I think it would look cool...

Something tells me it would take a lot of alcohol before I would be capable of stabbing myself with a needle gun though.

Fortunately I have a fifth of Jägermeister in the freezer, so it's all good.

It's 11:45, I just finished with work for the night, and the only thing I have to blog about is how worried I am about Paris Hilton.

It's been hours since I have read anything about her in the news or seen anything about her on television. This kind of withdrawal from the daily exploits of her life is very disconcerting, and I'm not sure what to do with myself. I think it's grossly unfair that she doesn't at least get a weekly video address to her fans from prison. Sure she did something bad, and I suppose it's only fair she be punished... but should all of us be punished along with her? What did I do to deserve this kind of treatment?

I so totally (heart) Paris! FREE PARIS!

The good news is that Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie finally made up and are all totally BFFs again, so they filmed another season of The Simple Life. Unfortunately, I have to wait until Monday to see the latest episode...

It's not as good as being able to open up the current issue of People and seeing what Paris has been up to lately... but I guess it's all I'm going to get until the grave miscarriage of justice that is her imprisonment has been reversed and Paris is free to party again.

Sigh.

I haven't been this upset since they took Michael Jackson from us during his imprisonment back in 2003.

Today's entry has been rated R by the Blogography Review Board for verbal violence, mature themes, and massive use of profanity. Text contained within may be upsetting to younger readers, persons with heart conditions, pregnant or expectant mothers, overly religious nut-jobs (this means you Pat Robertson!), dumbasses incapable of comprehending satire or parody, those with an IQ under 80 (including idiots, morons, stupid-heads, imbeciles, dunces, dimwits, dorks, chowder heads, or raging dumbasses), fans of the television show 7th Heaven, and all those people who are already offended by my blog (but read it ever day anyway)...

Do not proceed if you fall into any of the above categories. And, if you should choose to proceed anyway, don't even think about sending me an email or leaving a comment telling me how much you hate me and my blog. Because after I've gone to all this trouble to warn you about the atrocities within, that would just make you a major douche.

It's a busy Bullet Sunday as I prepare once again to head over the mountains...

• Sometimes you act like a flake... Modern technology is a wonderful thing. Except I am starting to seriously question our application of it to the world we live in. What good is being able to put a man on the moon if my breakfast cereal still goes all soggy in milk? I stepped away from my bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats for like TWO MINUTES so I could see how the meth I was cooking up in the bathroom was doing, and when I got back all I had was a bowl of soggy mush. Isn't there some kind of anti-milk teflon coating that can be put on cereal or something? Soggy flakes suck ass.

• Nope, still pissed off... Usually after writing a ballistic rant in my blog, I feel kind of bad about it the next day. But not this time. Turns out I still think Quiznos can take their crappy "Italian Caprese" and shove it up their stupid asses. BRING BACK THE VEGGIE SANDWICH!!

• Scare the shit INTO me... Speaking of fast food, why is it that the fast food industry always seems to choose freaky-ass mascots to represent their companies? What are they trying to do... scare you into eating their shit?

• I see your Schwartz is as big as mine... Believe it or not, this month is the 20th anniversary of one of my favorite parody films ever... SPACEBALLS! For the longest time I've been hoping for a sequel... but I've just learned something even more special: Mel Brooks is making a Spaceballs animated series!! From what I can find out, the cartoon is due to air on G4 Network this Fall. I have no idea if Rick Moranis, Bill Pullman, and Daphne Zuniga will be lending their voices to the show (and, unfortunately, John Candy is no longer with us to participate), but can't wait to see it.

• Understanding avoidable avoidance... Why is it when people hear something third-party that upsets them, they don't bother to verify it with the person who supposedly said it in the first place? I just got a call from somebody who hasn't spoken to a mutual acquaintance for two years because they were told something totally outrageous that was supposedly said about them. But here's the problem. I was actually there when the event took place, and know for an absolute fact that it was never said. It was a gross exaggeration of something totally unrelated. That's two years of hard feelings, uncomfortable silence, and deceptive avoidance... all of which could have been eliminated if they would have just verified the information. Is there anything sadder? I can't help but wonder how many times people have written me off over something I've never said.

And, on that note, it's time to pack my suitcase...

The drive back to Seattle was fairly uneventful. About the only interesting bit was when I hit a wall of fog coming down from the top of Snoqualmie Pass. It was so dense that you were lucky if you could see two car-lengths ahead of you. This made for some tricky maneuvering past vehicles that decided to stop in the middle of the highway.

After work it was time to hit Johnny Rockets for a veggie burger dinner, and then pick up my new hat. One of my blue Helly Hansen caps had gone missing, so I special-ordered one to replace it...

H/H hats always start out this beautiful deep blue color, then eventually fade to a nice dark navy. But the best part is that they shrink to a really good fit after getting wet a couple of times. Nothing quite so nice as a good-fitting cap!

Fortunately I escaped Helly Hansen with my wallet in-tact. I am not much of a shopper, but I could easily blow through $1000 in about 10 minutes there. I guess everybody has their shopping kryptonite.

I just wish mine was at someplace less expensive.

Oooh! I just noticed that my hotel room has a different view than last time! This time I'm overlooking Fantasy Unlimited...

Fantasy Unlimited... home of "Provocative Playthings!"

This is kind of a surprise, because I thought that Fantasy Unlimited had gone out of business. They used to be located downtown... I have fuzzy memories of getting totally drunk with friends and goofing off with all the crazy crap they sell there. I'm pretty sure that we were asked to leave once when we decided to have a strap-on cock-fight.

Hmmm... perhaps I won't sit here and watch television for the rest of the night after all...

With my numerous projects and everything else that's been going on, I have been sleeping worse than usual... three to four hours tops. This makes for a very challenging day, because I am a wreck before we even start the job. By the time noon rolls around, I'm totally trashed and have to really struggle to finish up my work. But things are going very, very well on the project, so I guess I can't complain.

Tonight I had it in my mind that I would try my best to make up for lost sleep.

After a totally awesome dinner at Il Fornaio, I walked around downtown Seattle past the new Seattle Art Museum (which looks great!), and then down to the Pike Place Market. Everything is closed, of course, but I thought a long walk might tire me out and help me sleep. To make sure of this, I took a handful of sleeping pills, a muscle-relaxer, and a hit of melatonin before hopping into bed at 9:00pm. I wrote a ten-minute blog entry about pasta but, since my hotel doesn't have wireless, I decided to not get out of bed and plug into the internet, but instead go right to sleep and post it tomorrow.

Come morning I would be either well-rested or dead.

But since this entry is not about pasta, you can probably guess that something went terribly wrong.

I dropped off into a drug-induced, coma-like sleep around 9:30 with a decent night's rest practically guaranteed.

Unfortunately, I was rudely awakened around 11:40pm by somebody knocking on my door...

GROGGY DAVE: (opens door in his underwear) Yeah?
MAN IN SUIT: (stands gaping, holding an ice bucket) ?!!???
GROGGY DAVE: YEAH?!?
MAN IN SUIT: Uhhhh... I don't suppose my wife is in there?
GROGGY DAVE: What-?
MAN IN SUIT: Er, my wife is --
GROGGY DAVE: GIVE ME A MINUTE TO WIPE THE PEANUT BUTTER OFF HER ASS AND SHE'S ALL YOURS!
MAN IN SUIT: Uhhhh... I guess I have the wrong room.
GROGGY DAVE: YA THINK?!? DOES YOUR DOOR HAVE A FRICKIN' DO NOT DISTURB SIGN ON IT?
MAN IN SUIT: Ah, sorry about that...

What the hell?

And, of course, now I can't get back to sleep.

Shit!

I wonder if The Lusty Lady is still open... I noticed as I drove by that the shows running are "FANTASTIC 4-play" and "HAIRY SPOTTER." Sounds like down-home, wholesome entertainment to me.

Though I might be better off watching TV-On-Demand's "Pornotopia, because... well, I dunno... it just sounds classier.

I am curious to know if I take another couple of sleeping pills whether they will give me some sleep before I have to get up in six hours, or just totally f#@% me up so that I can't function in the morning?

Holy crap does this suck.

UPDATE: I took just one sleeping pill and managed to get 4 hours sleep. When added to the 2 hours I got before I was rudely awakened, that's probably the best night's rest I've gotten in weeks! Though I still feel like crap, which kind of sucks.

Today was a positively beautiful day in Seattle.

So stunningly beautiful that I was depressed at the thought of spending all of it inside working. But that's the way life goes, and so all I got to enjoy of it was occasional glimpses out the window.

When I got back to my hotel room at the end of the day, I decided to look for something fun to do indoors to make up for my lack of fun outdoors. My solution was to push the beds together and make a brand new size of bed...

Sweet!

Since it is bigger than all other sizes of beds, I decided to call in the GOD EMPEROR SIZED BED. No matter how tall you are, you'll never run out of leg-room on this baby! About the only problem is trying to find sheets and bedding to fit the thing.

And that's a darn shame, because it's pretty freakin' comfortable. I think between my new bed and the handful of pills I just took, I might actually get a decent night's sleep tonight.

Assuming nobody comes banging on my door at some insane hour again.

I really need to get me an electric cattle prod for such incidents.

Thursdays and Fridays the Seattle Art Museum is open until 9:00pm, so I ran down after work to see what had changed after their recent remodeling. The building itself is very nice, and the collection is eclectic and interesting. Overall, it's a nice addition to Seattle's list of attractions, and I'm glad that I had the opportunity to visit.

However...

One of my biggest museum pet-peeves is museums that don't allow photography, and SAM is just such a museum.

I see nothing wrong with taking a snapshot of a piece you enjoy so you can remember it later on. Many other museums (a good number of which are far more important than SAM) agree, and are happy to allow photography so long as you turn your flash off. It's just a courtesy to visitors, and nothing more. It's not like viewing a photo could ever replace the experience of standing in front of the actual painting, drawing, sculpture, or other work... so what's the harm?

As loathsome as anti-photography museums are, they can redeem themselves in my eyes if they sell prints, postcards, and books which contain images of all their works. If I can't take a photo of something I want to remember, being able to take home a postcard is the next best thing, and I'm happy with that. So after coming upon a beautiful Takashi Murakami "Flower Ball" painting, I rushed to the gift shop expecting to find something I could buy with the work printed on it. But they didn't have anything. Not one f#@%ing thing. It didn't even appear in their catalog OR their web site.

This made me so mad that I felt like walking back to the ticket desk and asking for my $30 donation back.

But instead I returned to my hotel room and drew me a DaveToon homage to Murakami-san, whose work I absolutely love (for rather obvious reasons!)...

Helpful hint to the Seattle Art Museum: If you aren't going to allow people to take photo mementos of their visit, at least offer a way for them to buy a reproduction of your permanent collection in some form... like a postcard or something. This will keep people from getting pissed off at your visitor-hostile policies, and maybe give people even more reason to visit your beautiful museum when they are in town.

And now I'm off to bed, where I remain hopeful that I can actually manage to get some good sleep tonight.

This insomnia crap is getting really old.

As most Blogography readers have probably already heard, our own "New York City's Watchdog" has shared the unbelievably sad news that he has lost his five-year-old son (known to Cereal Wednesday fans as "Puppy Monster") in a tragic accident.

At times like this, I truly am at a loss for words. Watchdog is a part of our "blogging family," and my heart goes out to him and his family at this unimaginably difficult time.

If you'd like to help out, Avitable has set up a donations page via PayPal. If you can't afford to donate, please consider leaving a note of support over at Watchdog's site. I'm sure it will be much appreciated, so thanks in advance for whatever you can do.

All our thoughts are with you, Watchdog.

Avitable has just announced that donations have topped $1700 for the Puppy Monster Memorial Fund. Thanks so much to everybody who helped out... it's nice to know that our blogging community steps up to take care of their own during tragic times like this. Money is a soulless thing without conscience. But this money will help a father with the financial burden compounding an already unimaginable situation, and there's nothing soulless about that. If you have even $5 to spare, every little bit helps. Visit Avitable's donation page if you can, and know that what you give goes directly to help out our own NYC Watchdog.

This morning on the way back from Seattle, I had probably the most frightening experience on the road since I started driving.

I was on the single-lane stretch of the 522 heading towards Monroe, when a pickup truck came roaring up on my bumper nearly plowing into me. At the last minute they turned sharply, cutting across the centerline. Thankfully it was 5:30am and there was no oncoming traffic or else there would have been a horrible accident. The driver eventually gained control of their vehicle and made it back into our lane, but continued driving erratically. At one point, he tried to pass me... despite the fact that I was already 5 miles over the speed limit AND this was a well-defined, highly-dangerous, no-passing zone.

I was scared out of my mind... not knowing whether this idiot was tired, drunk, or high. My first instinct was to pull off and let him pass me, but there was a motorcyclist ahead of me. If the guy ran into me, I had thousands of pounds of metal to protect me. If the guy ran into a motorcycle, the rider would be dead. So I stuck it out, watching in horror as the driver weaved all over the road, accelerating to horrific speeds, then fading back.

When I finally made it to Monroe, I followed the motorcycle into the slow-lane and came to a stop light. I then immediately took out my mobile phone and was ready to call the police once the crazy driver stopped and I could read his license plate. But he didn't stop. He tore through the stoplight going at least 20 miles over the limit in the fast lane, and sped off through town. I fully expected to catch up to the guy in a bad accident, but never saw him again. I hope he didn't kill somebody before he got to where he was going. Asshole.

The good news is that I went to a screen-printing check for the new Blogography shirts yesterday...

They're pretty sweet, if I do say so myself. Printing on dark colors is notoriously difficult, because you've got to print a layer of white ink first, but everything seemed to work out okay. Probably because my printer kicks ass. The actual print-run is on Monday, and they should be delivered by the end of the week so I can start shipping orders.

To those who bought stuff from Artificial Duck Co. and have been patiently waiting for their order to ship, there is now light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks to everybody for your patience as I worked through some personal stuff this month, and sorry again for the delay.

Hey Hay Hey! It's Bullet Sunday today!

• Photograph. I've been going through all my old photos recently, trying to find a specific shot that I've lost track of. Along the way, I've been running into pictures of me that are pretty disturbing. It would seem that I'm either acting like a dork or drunk (or both) in every single picture in which I appear...

1) Wearing my 3-D glasses while waiting in line for a 3-D movie.
2) Trying to flash an "okay" sign while getting drunk in the rain.
3) Drunkenly dealing cards while losing in a game of strip poker.
4) Caught like a drunken deer in the proverbial headlights here.

Seeing all these images has brought me to the disturbing conclusion that I've been a drunken dork most of my life. I admit that this doesn't come as much of a surprise, but I'm going to act shocked anyway.

• Stemmed. So much for the separation of Church and State. So much for representing the people. President Bush has now vetoed for a second time legislation that would authorize federal funding of embryonic stem cell research. Despite the fact that the majority of Americans support it. Despite the fact that no science or rational thought can apply the status of "human life" to an embryo. Despite the fact that actual human lives hang in the balance. Despite the fact that the embryos in question will be discarded anyway. It's all typical political pandering bullshit insanity. I'd have thought that the President's forcible application of his personal religious and ethical convictions on me or anybody else would be a direct violation of the foundation upon which this country was built, but whatever. Using this logic (or lack thereof) a vegetarian president could make eating meat illegal because it violates his personal ethical beliefs. WTF?!? Just 575 days of dumbassery left.

• Paris! OMG! Like, Paris is getting out of jail early and will be released on Tuesday! JUSTICE PREVAILS! Which means I guess it's time for me to come clean about something... since the tabloids are sure to break the news soon anyway.

I am totally dating Paris Hilton.

I wrote her letters of encouragement while she was doing time, and she understandably fell head-over-heels in love with me. I will be moving to L.A. at the end of next week so Paris and I can be together. 2GETHER 4EVA!

Lil' Dave is totally not wearing panties in this shot...

We ask that the media respect our privacy as we plan our new life.

And by "respect our privacy" we mean "follow us around and take our picture everywhere we go, because we are so totally hot and interesting and deserving of your love."

• Postcard. Five steps to embarrassment nirvana...

1. Fill in a postcard request from Avitable.
2. Go work in Seattle for a week.
3. Have your mother pick up your mail at the local small-town post office while you are gone.
4. Find out your mother thought the postcard was hysterical and showed it to everybody.
5. Have random people ask you if your new penis pump has arrived yet...

Insomnia blows! It's 7:00am on a Sunday and I am wide awake. On the bright side, I did get an entire five hours sleep last night, which must be some kind of record for me or something.

I think my home is haunted.

For weeks now, I've been having terrible problems keeping track of stuff. Tonight I set down the television remote control, left the room to get another serving of chocolate pudding for dinner, then came back and the remote is gone. GONE I SAY!! After searching for a good ten minutes, I finally gave up my search so I wouldn't go insane. The bad news is that I'm then forced to watch The 700 Club because I don't know how to change the channel without the remote.

But then it gets weird...

I leave the room again so I can get a Choco Taco for dessert and, when I return, THE TV REMOTE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WHERE I LEFT IT THE LAST TIME WHEN I WENT FOR CHOCOLATE PUDDING!!

Cue the "doo doo DOO doo - doo doo DOO doo" music...

The only logical conclusion I can draw is that I have ghosts.

Malicious, sadistic ghosts who force me to watch The 700 Club!

If there's any better evidence that Pat Robertson is a tool of the devil (and Karl Rove), I don't want to know about it...

So now I have to perform a ghost exorcism.

My list of exorcism supplies to buy at Target tomorrow after work...

• A Duraflame fireplace log.
• A can of Lysol brand disinfecting spray (Garden Mist scent).
• A Ronco Inside-The-Shell Electric Egg Scrambler.
• An 8oz. bottle of Bonide Ghost-Away.
• A gallon of goat's blood.
• A copy of Girls Gone Wild: Doggy Style on DVD

I also have to paint a pentagram on my carpet, but I've already got a can of Easy Cheese in the cupboard, so I don't need to buy any spray paint.

Wish me luck!

Ooh! Looks like I might be getting an iPhone after all. They've finally released the service pricing, and it turns out that it's only $10 more than I pay now. Even better, I get more minutes (plus rollover minutes!) and unlimited data for my money. Cool!

Of course, I'll want to try an iPhone in person before I sign on the dotted line, but things just keep looking better and better. The initial reviews have the positives outweighing the negatives, and some of the big questions (battery life, scratches, MS Office attachments, etc.) are being answered with good news. I want one pretty bad now.

I am such an Apple whore...

But with unlimited data access, can you really blame me? I mean, damn! Knowing I can surf the internet for important information at any time... for as long as I want... is pretty sweet!

Wow. The internet is like the most awesome thing ever! Thanks for putting it in the palm of my hand, Steve Jobs!

And in other nifty news... PARIS IS FREE! w00t! Now my life can go back to normal!

IN YOUR FACE, NANCY GRACE! Now why don't you shut the frak up you crazy bitch! And the next time your hypocritical skank ass decides to judge people, why don't you look in the mirror first... GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!!

I am growing more and more depressed over the astounding lack of compassion in the world today. It seems every time I turn on the television, pick up a magazine, or surf the internet I am subjected to hurtful, hateful behavior that has me questioning how much longer we can survive. If it weren't for random flashes of kindness I stumble upon from time to time, I'd probably lose hope for humanity altogether.

And, thanks to the shining stars of today's hate-filled media, things just continue to get worse and worse. First they profess to care for us, fight for us, and believe in us...

• NANCY GRACE: "I'm not pretending to be anything but a crime victim who went to law school and tried a lot of cases."
• PAT ROBERTSON: "I pray that I might be in the center of God's will. I pray for wisdom that He might lead me and give me wisdom in the tasks that I have ahead of me."
• BILL O'REILLY: "Our philosophy is we call it as we see it. Sometimes you agree, sometimes you don't. Robust debate is good."
• ANN COULTER: "I take the Biblical idea. God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees... God says, 'Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It's yours.'"

Then they turn right around and demonize people for the sake of ratings and power, advocating violence and hatred with a recklessness that isolates us, divides us, and destroys us...

• NANCY GRACE: "You know what, Kevin? I'm so glad they didn't miss a lacrosse game over a little thing like gang rape!" —— "Guilty, guilty, guilty!"
• PAT ROBERTSON: "Many of those people involved in Adolf Hitler were Satanists, many were homosexuals, the two things seem to go together." —— "The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."
• BILL O'REILLY: "Shut up. SHUT! UP!" —— "...the most unattractive women in the world are probably in the Muslim countries." —— "Will African-Americans break away from the pack thinking and reject immorality? Because that's the reason the family's breaking apart... alcohol, drugs, infidelity. You have to reject that, and it doesn't seem, and I'm broadly speaking here, but a lot of African-Americans won't reject it."
• ANN COULTER: "My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times Building."

Why? Why are dumbasses like these even on the air? Why do people listen to them? I don't care if you are Conservative or Liberal... Republican or Democrat... Christian or Athiest... who could possibly want this kind of hateful crap into their lives? Isn't the world in bad enough shape already?

All I'm asking for is a little compassion. A little caring. A little hope.

And it would be nice if some of that compassion, caring, and hope can come my way...

• Milk prices are skyrocketing. On the surface, this is not so bad... just don't drink as much milk anymore, right? But the tragedy is that milk is used to make such things as chocolate pudding, cheese, and Choco Tacos. Without those three things in life, is life really worth living?
• The nearest place I can even see an iPhone is 60 miles away. For some reason, the local AT&T store in Wenatchee isn't a "real" store, but an affiliate store, which means they won't have iPhone at launch. Instead I have to drive to Moses Lake or Seattle or something. How horrible that the coolest thing to happen in like, well... forever... and I'm going to miss out.
• The brilliant Veronica Mars is still cancelled. And yet mindless crap like The Bachelor gets yet another season. Now what am I supposed to do on Tuesday nights at 9:00?
• The US National ID Card is not dead yet. There are people in this country who can't afford to eat or go to the doctor, yet there are still those who want to spend TWENTY-THREE BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS on a USA-wide ID card system under the pretense of national security. Why are clueless old men making decisions about stuff they know nothing about? Nobody who is actually smart enough to understand this program thinks it will work, and many think it will actually make us less safe. I am totally terrified that some stupid crap like this will happen in my lifetime.
• I can't find the power adapter for my MacBook Pro. In 10 minutes my precious laptop's battery will be drained and I will no longer be able to blog or check email while on the toilet. What kind of sad existence will I be leading where toilet computing is not an option?

Argh. I've been working all evening and now it's almost midnight. I sure hope I can manage to get even a little bit of sleep tonight. Looking for compassion in planet filled with hostility and abuse is a tiring way to spend your day.

My afternoon was pleasantly interrupted when Bad Robert's Super Deluxe Girlfriend dropped by to return my Batman DVDs.

"Because of you, I've been stuck watching Batman cartoons for the past week... thanks a heap!" she says as she throws the boxes for seasons one and two at my head.

Ordinarily I would launch into a diatribe about how animation is an artform, and how Batman: The Animated Series is one of the best representations of the character outside of the original comics. But any woman who can hold her own against the crazy stuff Bad Robert does is nobody to be trifled with, so I hold my peace...

"Thanks!" I say cheerily.

At this point, Super Deluxe Girlfriend scrunches her face a bit and says "Ooh, is somebody in a bad mood today?"

"Wha-? No, I'm good. Why would you say that?" I ask.

"Well, when somebody as notoriously white as you wears black in the summer, it makes you look like you're either going to a funeral or are in a cranky mood."

Err... really? I say, my voice rising at the end in disbelief. "I was going for evil, not cranky."

After an uncomfortably long pause, Super Deluxe Girlfriend says: "Yes, well, maybe if you had an eye patch or something... but I'm not feeling 'evil' here..."

"Fine," I say. "Tell Robert I'll be dropping off Batman seasons 3 & 4 this weekend."

"Ah, now I'm feeling it," she says as she turns to walk out the door.

Hah! THAT aught to teach her to question my evil nature!

"He who is bent on doing evil can never want occasion." — Publilius Syrus

In other news, I saw where fellow blogger Laurence made herself into a Simpsons character, and decided to try it myself. I had to make some slight modifications, but here we are...

HOT!

It's iPhone Day! IT'S iPHONE DAY!! HOLY CRAP, IT'S iPHONE DAAAAYYYYYY!

Of course, there's not a single iPhone coming to the entire valley, so I won't even get to see one until the next time I next visit civilization, but it's still kind of exciting for a total Apple Whore like me.

But the iPhone is not the only thing that's starting to ship today. Now that the new merchandise is starting to arrive, Artificial Duck Co. orders are going to start shipping too...

I'll be working through the orders as quickly as I can... but with nearly 300 of them, it will take a while before everything is shipped out. Wheee! Good times! At least I know what I'll be doing in my spare time for the next several days. Still, it's nice that people will finally be getting their stuff. Hopefully everybody will find it worth the wait.

So suck it, iPhone!

And in local news... last night an airplane trying to land at Cashmere's airport came up short and crashed into the High School's parking lot instead...

Map taken from Live Search because Google Maps doesn't have satellite for us!

Unfortunately, the pilot was killed. Luckily, nobody else was hurt.

As you can imagine, when something like this happens in a small town, it's a topic of major discussion. Was the pilot a local? Was it an emergency landing? People heard his engine sputtering, did he run out of gas? Just where did that plane come from? AL QAEDA!!

There hasn't been this much local hype since cherry harvest started!

UPDATE: I am now hearing that the pilot killed in the accident was the former CEO of Alaska Airlines. No word on what he was doing in the area, or why he crashed.

UPDATE: It now seems as though the pilot clipped a tree on the way in, which may have contributed to the crash.

I try really hard not to be a whiny little bitch on my blog. Honestly, I do. The fact that I am rarely successful at it is not for lack of conviction, but circumstance. Such as waking up this morning and having to read a bajillion people talking about how cool their new iPhone is.

Of course, I wouldn't know.

Despite the fact that I am a Total Apple Whore, I don't have an iPhone yet. I won't even get to look at one until I'm in Seattle next week. Needless, to say, I'm a little sad about that...

I've read so much about people and their love of their iPhone that I can almost imagine what it must be like to have one... but then I glance over at my piece of shit mobile phone and realize that my imagination isn't that good.

Sigh. I guess I'll just go over to Apple.com and look at iPhone pictures for an hour or two...