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Sandwich

Posted on Saturday, June 16th, 2007

Dave!Today's entry has been rated R by the Blogography Review Board for verbal violence, mature themes, and massive use of profanity. Text contained within may be upsetting to younger readers, persons with heart conditions, pregnant or expectant mothers, overly religious nut-jobs (this means you Pat Robertson!), dumbasses incapable of comprehending satire or parody, those with an IQ under 80 (including idiots, morons, stupid-heads, imbeciles, dunces, dimwits, dorks, chowder heads, or raging dumbasses), fans of the television show 7th Heaven, and all those people who are already offended by my blog (but read it ever day anyway)...

Rated R

Do not proceed if you fall into any of the above categories. And, if you should choose to proceed anyway, don't even think about sending me an email or leaving a comment telling me how much you hate me and my blog. Because after I've gone to all this trouble to warn you about the atrocities within, that would just make you a major douche.

FUCK QUIZNOS! FUCK QUIZNOS UP THEIR STUPID ASSES!

Today I woke up in a daze because I have to take a handful of pills in order to get even a little bit of sleep now-a-days. This was not a good thing, because I had a work appointment in Wenatchee this morning and really needed to have my brain be in on the situation.

But I maintained a cheery attitude, because going into Wenatchee meant that I could stop at Quiznos and get me a delicious Veggie Sandwich. I had been anticipating the toasty goodness of Quiznos since my alarm clock blasted my ass out of bed, and it became my top priority of the day. So even tough things were going wrong all morning, it didn't bother me so long as lunch at Quiznos was at the end of it all.

Until I actually got to Quiznos.

And found out the fuckers had taken their Veggie Sandwich off the menu.

They used to have two vegetarian choices, "Veggie" and "Double Cheese," but both had been removed in favor of a new sandwich called the "Italian Caprese" which has mozzarella, basil pesto, tomato, romaine, and balsamic vinaigrette...

Italian Caprese

Needless to say, I was fucking livid. The ORIGINAL Quiznos Veggie Sandwich had guacamole, olives, lettuce, mushrooms, tomato, red onion, mozzarella, cheddar, and a kickin' red wine vinaigrette... a fantastic variety of tastes and textures that made for an incredible-tasting sandwich. By comparison, their new "Italian Caprese" is boring as shit. I mean, seriously, mozzarella and tomato? What the fuck?!? Even worse, I hate romaine, and I hate balsamic vinaigrette even more!

When I asked the sandwich-maker girl about this shit, she said that they still had all the ingredients to make an "Original Veggie" and she'd be happy to put one together for me.

This should have made me happy, but all it did was piss me off even more.

If they still have all the ingredients, why take the fucking sandwich off the menu in the first place? Did McDonalds take the Big Mac off their menu when they introduced the McRib sandwich? No. No they did not. But Quiznos doesn't give a flying fuck about their loyal vegetarian customers who have been buying Veggie sandwiches for a decade. "Fuck the vegetarian assholes," Quiznos says... "we'll get rid of their two GOOD sandwich choices that have expensive ingredients like guacamole, and replace them with a single sandwich that has cheap-ass dressings and bitter-as-shit romaine lettuce which most people don't like... AND WE'LL CHARGE THEM MORE MONEY FOR IT! BWAH HA HA HAAAA!"

Fucking assholes. I'd like to kick an "Italian Caprese" up the ass of the dumb-fuck Quiznos corporate bastard who decided to fuck over their vegetarian customers with this stupid shit. It would be a different matter entirely if they had ADDED the crappy new sandwich to their menu, then I'd still have the option of buying the sandwich I liked. But to delete two great sandwiches for a crappy new one is just fucking balls-out stupid. Did the corporate dumb-fucks ever stop to think that their customers might not like their shitty "Italian Caprese," and it would be smart to keep at least one classic sandwich on the menu? No. Because obviously Quiznos is run by fucking incompetent pricks who hate their vegetarian customers.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised though... thanks to obscenely huge subsidies our government gives meat ranchers, it's easier (and cheaper) to fuck over vegetarians than offer them decent menu options. Without the subsidies, a Big Mac would cost something like $7.00, so where's the incentive for McDonalds to go nation-wide with their awesome McVeggie Deluxe (only available at their New York Times Square location)? There is no incentive, because our government makes sure steroid-laden beef is cheaper than a more healthful vegetarian alternative when, in reality, beef is FAR more expensive to produce (not to mention far worse for the environment).

Another example is Arby's. These fuckers have a fantastically-delicious Market-Fresh sandwich that I absolutely love. But they don't have a "Market-Fresh Cheese Sandwich" on the menu, so I always have to pay the money for a "Market-Fresh Beef Sandwich" and have them hold the beef. Heaven forbid the Arby's assholes add a cheese sandwich to the menu for their vegetarian customers. If they did that they wouldn't be able to fuck people over by making them pay for the beef they don't want!

Quiznos sandwich-makers are currently able to make an "Original Veggie" because the menu change is recent. But this isn't going to last forever. Eventually the sandwich-makers will know nothing of the "Original Veggie," and I will no longer be able to order it. When that day comes, I'll have to either get the shitty "Italian Caprese" or switch to Subway. But since Subway still hires that fucking ass-clown Jared to be their idiot spokesman, that ain't going to happen. Both Jared and Subway can go fuck themselves.

Quiznos can go fuck themselves twice and die.

UPDATE: For those haters who are sending abusive emails and comments because they are too fucking stupid to understand why vegetarians might be pissed off that they are getting a lesser sandwich as their ONLY option at Quiznos... perhaps a simple grid will spell it out in a way that your minimal intellect can grasp...

VEGGIE SANDWICH ITALIAN CAPRESE
lettuce romain lettuce
tomato tomato
red wine vinaigrette basalmic vinaigrette
basil pesto
mozarella mozarella
cheddar
mushrooms
olives
red onions
guacamole

The "new and un-improved" sandwich is the same thing as before, but with a bunch of shit taken off... for which they are charging more money. If I wanted a fucking "Italian Caprese" before the menu change, I would have just ordered an Original Veggie, then had them take off the cheddar, mushrooms, olives, red onions, and guacamole.

This was not a case of "let's remove a bunch of shit because it will make a better sandwich"... it is more a case of "let's remove a bunch of shit so we can make more money off people who don't want meat." In effect, it's a sandwich listed under the "VEGGIE" heading that literally has less veggies than the sandwich it replaces. That's why I am so fucking pissed off. According to the new menu, to get what I used to eat I now have to pay extra money to buy a Turkey Bacon Guacamole (or whatever) sandwich and have them hold the turkey bacon that I never wanted in the first place. Way to treat your vegetarian customers, Quiznos!


Categories: Food 2007Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. Iron Fist says:

    A hungry Dave is an angry Dave. Watch out, Quiznos! You’ve been put on notice, motherfuckers.

  2. Hilly says:

    I think I might be smitten with you a little bit right now. You know, it’s the expletives or something ;).

    I don’t know the percentages but there have to be enough vegetarians in this country to warrant at least two selections on every menu, end of story. They give those of us who don’t like hamburgers many chicken options so why not veggie ones as well?

  3. Yeah, fuck Quiznos!

    I don’t eat there because it smells like someone upchucked on their sandwiches. I’ve been in several different ones so I know it isn’t just the one. I can’t quite put my finger on what that horrible smell is.

  4. Amy Guth says:

    Ohhh, Dave. You make my little vegetarian heart go pitter-patter.

    Fight the (carnivorous) man!

  5. Dan says:

    Mmm… tomatoes and mozzarella…

  6. jodi says:

    you should have seen my mom the other day when she found out that California Pizza Kitchen had taken the Pear and Gorgonzola pizza of the menu.

  7. Göran says:

    Sour grapes!
    I can’t believe you didn’t put up at least one warning before posting all this foul language!

    I’m calling Pat Robertson now! This has to come to an end!

    We have militant vegans here in Sweden, they are at war with most things. You ready to sign up? :-)

  8. bogup says:

    Of course, you are right Dave2. What is wrong with these corporate morons except that they only want to increase their profits while making stupid mistakes that insult customers? I’m sure they did fifteen field tests with sycophant focus groups to prove the change would work with 82% of their customers positive with 15% undecided and 3% angry as hell. I agree with K.G. that Quizno’s always seems to smell yucky and I lose my appetite when I walk in the door. Maybe the smell is their pickled peppers or is it pickled Cabrese?

  9. kim says:

    I had many friends that worked at Quiznos when it was still just in CO. Fun times doing things that don’t belong at work, or any place with that much food. Needless to say I get downright livid when they mess with my Quizno’s. I haven’t been able to find my Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies lately, so I am right there with you. FUCK QUIZNOS.

  10. ajooja says:

    I hate Quizno’s before this. Now, they can go fuck themselves.

  11. Dave2 says:

    Iron Fist… On notice indeed! These bastards have no idea who they are fucking with here! :-)

    Hilly… Yeah, ladies can’t resist a guy who goes all ballistic over a sandwich. I think I read that in Cosmo or something. :-)

    Kentucky Girl… I know other people who feel the same way, but I think Quiznos smells delicious! At least I did when they had something there that I wanted to eat.

    Amy… We vegetarians are sick of being treated like second class citizens! People who are looking for a healthier eating alternative should be too.

    Dan… And they can be yours on a sandwich for just $6!

    Jodi… Bastards! I wonder if the people who run Quiznos also manage California Pizza Kitchen?

    G

  12. ChillyWilly says:

    And looking over Blimpie’s menu, they don’t appear to offer any veggie sandwiches.

    Which makes you wonder about all of these marketing phrases like “carb counter” and “healthy eating”

    Sad state our eating out options have gotten these days.

  13. Dave2 says:

    Except you can go to Big City Soup any time you want and have all kinds of amazing vegetarian dining options!

    If I lived in Salt Lake City, I’d never bother to go to crappy Quiznos ever again with Big City Soup in town. :-)

  14. Catherine says:

    Quizno’s is way overpriced (at least here in L.A.), once my only major problem with them, since I tend to really love their stuff. But now this! You sound like I felt when my favorite lipstick, the only one I really ever bought from Clinique, was discontinued. And no other colors that year, just MINE. So I feel your pain, bud.

  15. Catherine says:

    Oh, also, you’re popular, dude. the TITLE of one of my blog entries was “Hooray, Pussy”, and not one of my four and a half readers batted an eye.

  16. Jeff says:

    Why don’t you just say how you really feel?

  17. Catherine says:

    I can’t find the thingy to “favorite” you for Technorati. Halp plz

    kthx

  18. Tracy says:

    I feel your pain, Dave. Macaroni Grill did the same thing to me…I fell in love with their “Pasta della Casa” several years ago, and it was promptly discontinued. I could order it for a while, but eventually none of the waitstaff or cooks knew what I was talking about. It was an incredibly yummy dish, and nothing I’ve had there since has been as good.

    You should make sure someone at Quizno’s corporate gets a letter. Perhaps a “PG-13” letter.

  19. Dave2 says:

    Jeff… Because then I’d be banned from the internet altogether.

    Catherine… And that’s the other thing. Quiznos sandwiches keep getting more and more expensive as the size of their product keeps getting smaller and smaller. But I still ate there from time to time because I loved me the Veggie Sandwich. And how does Quiznos reward this dedication? They kill off the one thing I will eat there. I mean, shit! Even if the Veggie Sandwich was not a huge seller, they STILL HAVE ALL THE FUCKING INGREDIENTS AVAILABLE… so why delete it off the menu for loyal customers like me that enjoy it? It costs them NOTHING! And I’ll bet that shade of lipstick looked fabulous on you too.

    Catherine… I think you have to be logged in, then click the “favorites” tab… from there you can either manually enter a URL or download a “bookmarklet” that allows you to favorite a blog on the fly.

    Tracy… Macaroni Grill bastards! That reminds me of when Applebee’s had a “promotional” menu featuring Tuscan Cheese Bread that got me all excited… only to have them end the promotion and take it away the next time I went there to eat it. Applebee’s bastards!

  20. Amanda says:

    Can you get the double cheese… then add guacamole and olives… and hold the dressing. Mmm I want a cheese sandwich

  21. Dave2 says:

    No… the Double Cheese has ALSO been discontinued. The ONLY vegetarian option now is the Italian Caprese. :-(

  22. Marc says:

    Yes, Quiznos is fucked–Frankly, I’ve never liked the experience. Subway does have a very nice vegetarian sandwich. OK–It may be a bit boring but it is edible. On a slightly unrelated note–have you ever been to Green Zebra in Chicago? AMAZING vegetarian cuisine.

  23. karla says:

    yeah, fuck quiznos!
    Even though I have never had one of those sandwiches, now that you have described it? it sounds REALLY good and I totally want one. And those bastards have deprived me of the chance to try one! Fuckwads! Numnuts!
    Caprese my ass, mother fuckers!
    Gee i really like cussing on a blog other than my own….

  24. Eve says:

    First all of, fuck yeah for the rated R entry filled with obsenity-laden comments!

    Second, yes, indeed, FUCK QUIZNOS.

    They don’t even have anything remotely vegetarian by me.

    You know, even people who aren’t vegetarian do like to enjoy veg meals. Notice, fast food chains only change their menu like that when they make the papers for not being healthy. Quiznos doesn’t get enough media attention to spark a change in their menu.

  25. Michelle says:

    I’m on your wagon Dave to treat “you people” like you’re normal if for no other reason than it’s more steak and pepperoni (and bacon!! mmmmmm pepper bacon!!!) for me!

    Sign me up. Although, I could never eat at Quiznos ‘cuz their commercials kinda creeped me out. That baby ogling the semi-naked girls was icky but what exactly was that ‘thing’ that was hawkin’ their stuff before that? I couldn’t tell. The Quizno’s baby is my Jared.

  26. Harold says:

    …screw the sandwich shops… give me a home-made SLT sandwich anyday…( Spam-lettuce-tomato) Plus I add onions,cheese,mustard, and olives. Spam is totally different than what it was in the good old days…now when you open the can, there’s no half inch of gell on the top. Of course I’m too afraid to actually read what the ingredients are. Are McSpams in the near future?

  27. Karl says:

    So, let me get this straight. What you’re saying is fuck Quiznos? Your message was a little vague.

  28. Wow, I’m really sorry about you and other vegetarians getting the shaft so much. Even though that Italian sammich sounds delicious to me :p

    You get as passionate about your food and drink as I get when fast food chains gyp me on french fries when I’ve clearly payed an extra buck for them. It really toasts my buns!

  29. Laurence says:

    I want an Italian Caprese… (it is time for diner here !!!) Mmmmm

    P.S. I leave a comment too for telling you how much I LOVE your blog ! J’AIME BLOGOGRAPHY !

  30. Anonymous says:

    Dave, Don’t go psychotic on us will ya.. I couldn’t help but imagine you as Michael Douglas in Falling Down when he goes bonkers in a store about the price of soda’s .. you know the one.. : ) jk. I think you should start making you’re own, and screw Quiznos and subway!

  31. Brandon says:

    Jeez! Just suck it up and eat some beef already.

    Kidding, kidding…

  32. Lisa says:

    Stupid spokesperson and commercials aside, at least with Subway you can get whatever the hell you want on your sandwich. They just try to ream you up the ass by letting their franchises make their own pricing schedules. Asswipes! All of them.

  33. ChillyWilly says:

    “If I lived in Salt Lake City, I’d never bother to go to crappy Quiznos ever again with Big City Soup in town. :-)”

    Having just visited Big City soup twice in the last 10 days (both times on my way to the Apple store at Gateway), I agree 100%.

    My trips to Quiznos are few are far between these days.

  34. NYC Watchdog says:

    Fast food menus are changing constantly. I think one of their big issues is their lack of consistency, and this is a prime example of the problem.

    In the end… they are all just corporate mongers after the all mighty dollar.

    Fuck’em… and their coked up spokespeople too.

  35. Avitable says:

    My wife loves the Veggie, but our Quiznos has both the Veggie and the Caprese on the menu now. She really liked the Caprese, though. Even I like a good Caprese salad.

    She used to order a Smoked Turkey on Rosemary, without the turkey. And then when she paid for it, she’d make them discount it.

  36. sizzle says:

    how do you REALLY feel about it dave?

    ;)

    fuck quiznos! i will never eat there in solidarity with you.

  37. Dave2 says:

    Marc… I have not heard of the Green Zebra, but I will definitely look into it when I am next in the Windy City! Thanks!

    Karla… I’ll try cussing over at your blog then…

    Eve… Yes, but now I’ve written about the injustice on Blogography! They are officially on notice from me! That’s going to change everything! (ha ha)

    Michelle… Baby Bob is another freaky mascot I had (fortunately) forgotten (until now). Something about babies talking like adults totally freaks me out!

    Harold… The very idea of SPAM makes my bowels ache! If there’s anything worse than meat… it’s MYSTERY MEAT! Bwah ha ha!

    Wandering Star… And yet, if you complain about the fries, they would probably spit in them or something when they got you more! Terrible!

    Laurence… Ugh. You can have that sandwich! Blech! But I will take your Blogography love, thank you very much! :-)

    Anonymous… Well, it’s a little late for that! :-)

    Brandon… Oh yeah… they would like that… wouldn’t they! Hah! Even if I did crave a nice slab of beef, I wouldn’t give Quiznos the satisfaction now!

    Lisa… But Subway makes boring veggie sandwiches… and, even worse, I’d be supporting JARED THE SUBWAY SANDWICH WHORE! Gah! :-)

    ChillyWilly… Color me jealous. Love me the Big City Soup!

    Watchdog… AHA!! I always suspected that Ronald McDonald was a coke-head! Now we know! I have no clue what drugs Burger King and Jared are on…

    Avitable… They have the Veggie ON THE MENU? Now that’s odd. The official Quiznos site doesn’t list it… and I was pretty sure that all the menus were universal across the chain? Interesting. I’ll have to take a look when I am in Seattle.

    Baak… Fuck yes! :-P

    Sizzle… I don’t feel very happy about it… that’s for sure!

  38. Avitable says:

    Well, they are franchises. Maybe this one just is lazy and hasn’t removed it yet. All of the ingredients are ones they have to add to other sandwiches, so maybe they decided to ignore it?

  39. TBW says:

    “Fucking assholes. I’d like to kick an “Italian Caprese” up the ass of the dumb-fuck Quiznos corporate bastard who decided to fuck over their vegetarian customers with this stupid shit.” – and this is why I love this blog, that’s poetry, pure and simple, poetry.

    The new sandwich sounds like the worst. Do you have an Lenny’s sub shops around there? Panera Bread Co.? Anything? Hang tough.

  40. Mmmm…. Now I’m dying for a McRib!!!

  41. Patty says:

    I was always angry at Quiznos for throwing away the stumb of bread they cut of to make the sandwhich smaller. Stop wasting! The fast food crap I ate last night didn’t put up the price of just a sandwhich, only the combo prices…that annoyed me.

    I don’t like pesto. We’ve got these places called SouperSalad and Sweet Tomatoes which are basically buffet salad bars. Kinda fun.

    I heard Wendy’s chain may be selling itself…someone should buy it out and put up veggitarian goodies.

  42. victor says:

    lmao at the tags :P

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