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Posted on Wednesday, June 13th, 2007

Dave!I am about ready to cry.

And I don't mean actually cry... like when you get kicked in the balls... or Veronica Mars gets canceled... or you have kidney stones or something. I'm talking about that fake sobbing you do when you want to garner sympathy-sex from your girlfriend or get a cookie from your grandmother. The kind of over-the-top weeping that kids do when things don't go their way.

All because I'm feeling horrible and I'm exhausted and I just had to drive 2-1/2 hours home.

And now I have to write in my blog.

But I don't feel like writing in my blog, so I'm thinking if I cry everybody will feel sorry for me and either offer me sympathy-sex or a cookie. And that would be better than everybody being mad at me because I don't feel like writing anything tonight.

Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink


  1. bogup says:

    I’m not mad, and I care…
    I’ll even eat a cookie, just for you!

  2. adena says:

    Better yet, you need someone to feed you a cookie DURING sympathy sex!

  3. Mist 1 says:

    Um, I don’t bake. Is there anything else that I can offer in lieu of cookies?

  4. Chag says:

    Take a night off! You deserve it.

    But I’m only offering a cookie.

  5. iddly says:

    Go and take a short nap. You’ll feel much better.

    Aunty iddly has spoken 🙂

  6. joy says:

    those are some virtual cookies for you 😀

  7. Jacki says:

    Walk next door and knock on the door and ask for a hug.
    If they don’t give you one, at least you will have the enjoyment of watching their fear for the next two years whenever they happen to be anywhere near you.

  8. Karen says:



  9. Aargh says:

    The sex part doesn’t work but the cookie now their is an idea. Only problem is I could not resist eating the cookie. Sorry!

  10. margalit says:

    I know why you’re feeling so down, and I’m going to suggest something radical. Key Lime Pie. I know you like lime. I know you like sweets. You must like Key Lime Pie, right? Creamy and tart and sweet with a graham cracker crust. It makes all the blues melt away.

    I’m sorry it’s been so tough. Wish I could bake for you, but I’m so far away that by the time anything arrived it would be inedible.

  11. serap says:

    I have cookies in my office as I am celebrating my 2 year anniverisary in my job! If you come over here and cry, I will let you have one… but I want to actually see a tear running down your cheek, otherwise you can’t have one. 😉

  12. Mike says:

    I’m fresh out of cookies…

    [Whistles innocently]

  13. RW says:

    Your tears will NOT change my mind, young man, so don’t even try it!

  14. kapgar says:

    A cookie is about all you’ll get from me, buddy boy.

  15. Lisa says:

    Hasn’t anyone ever told you it’s not a good idea to eat cookies in bed!? Too many crumbs!

  16. Aren’t you the most precious thing ever?

  17. Kyra says:

    How about a Coke with Lime instead? They’re on sale out here.

  18. Avitable says:

    I’ll give you sympathy sex, I guess. This time.

  19. delmer says:

    I admire you willingness to put the sympathy-sex request out there.

    Not long ago I had the opportunity to request break-up sex and forgot all about it until it was too late.

  20. sizzle says:

    you could skip a day and i wouldn’t berate you. we all have those days (weeks sometimes!).

    i would have bought you a kate.

  21. Anonymous says:

    what kinda girlfriends have you had at all Dave, you wouldn’t need to cry you eyes out at all to get some action with me. sympathy sex, lol. how bout just all the time sex 🙂

  22. tori says:

    I am about to make some carrot cake cookies. I wish you lived closer to me because I don’t think they would travel well!

  23. kim says:

    I was going to offer to bring you a kate, but I see sizzle has beat me to it. You might need another though, since Avitable is the only one owning up to offerring you sympathy sex.

  24. Hilly says:

    Okay, fine….but I am not wearing that little “costume” this time ;).

    I mean, here…have a cookie.

  25. Stephanie P says:

    It’s good to know that you don’t have the desire to write, but you have the desire for sex and cookies. At least you have your priorities straight!

    Damn, I wish you didn’t live so far away. Not only am I an excellent baker…

  26. Wayne Hall says:

    Too bad you didn’t know ahead of time you’d be such a cry-baby overworked blogger; else you could have scheduled someone to guest blog for you.

    Or are you actually just playing Lego Star Wars?

    Just remember Laslo’s Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately 1 billion Chinese people couldn’t care less.

  27. Lewis says:

    So, that’s our two choices: sympathy sex or a cookie? I think I’ve got a leftover fortune cookie from a Chinese restaurant if you want.

  28. ajooja says:

    Mike just kicked the ass of anything I was going to say. Hilarious. 🙂

  29. Michelle says:

    And see, ya coulda drove the 2.5 hrs here and I’da given you some oatmeal raisin cookies I just baked. Guess I’ll be giving ’em to some random strangers instead. *sigh*

    But now we know why I make the big bucks … what would you give to get into a cab and have the driver hand you some fresh baked, home made cookies?! :o) And not a one of ’em asked for the ingredients. Hm. Trusting folks.

  30. Laurence says:

    I offer you FRENCH sympathy AND cookie !

  31. bogup says:

    I hope everyone noticed that my post was #1.
    That is almost as good as sympathy sex and twice as satisfying as a free cookie.

  32. Dave2 says:

    Bogup… Well, that’s not quite the same thing, but I suppose I should thank you just the same.

    Adena… I don’t know that I could concentrate on both cookies and sex at the same time… they are very close in my brain.

    Mist 1… Yes, but you can BUY cookies. Some nice Pepperidge Farm cookies would be nice. Or sex. I’m not picky.

    Chag… Is it a trick cookie? Because I’ll take that cookie…

    Iddly… I did get a full night’s sleep. Of course, for me a full night of sleep is five hours, so I’m not sure if that helped out much.

    Joy… Licking the screen does not get me virtual cookie taste, however.

    Jacki… I avoid my neighbors like the plague. Mostly because I think they are a plague on my otherwise happy existence.

    Karen… If it weren’t for sympathy-sex, I’d probably never get sex at all! So don’t knock it until you try it… do you want to try it?

    Aargh… Well that’s just mean! Was it any good? Because if it was a bad cookie, I won’t feel upset over it.

    Margalit… I actually make a “Key Lime” pie. Well, even most of the “Key Lime” pies in Key West aren’t made from ACTUAL “Key Limes” but it is lime. Love it. I need to make one soon.

    Serap… If you told me that I couldn’t have a delicious cookie until I cried, I think tears and uncontrollable sobbing are a given.


    RW… Awww, you can keep your crummy cookies then. 🙁

    Kapgar… What kind of cookie?

    Lisa… I eat cookies just about anywhere. I’m very careful though, so crumbs aren’t too much of a problem. Besides, I have a Shop-Vac with monster sucking power!

    Kentucky Girl… Yes. I’d think that would have been obvious by now.


    Avitable… How will that be different from every other time?

    Delmer… Given some of my break-ups, the idea of break-up sex scares me. There are some body parts I would very much like to keep in-tact.

    Sizzle… I didn’t make it to Royale for a Kate… I did pass a New York Cupcake in Westlake Park though.

    Anonymous… Either the women have all been deranged bitches, or I’m just no good in bed. Hmmm… I really should stop dating deranged bitches!

    Tori… Awww, I like carrot cake! But I’ve never had carrot cake cookies! Are they covered in cream cheese like real carrot cake?

    Kim… Yes. Time for me to start hiring hookers who can bake!

    Hilly… FaceBook cookies are nice, but they don’t smell as good as real cookies. 🙂

    Stephanie… Yes, and if I were eating cookies and having sex, then I’d have something to blog about! It’s a win-win scenario!

    Wayne… I don’t really do the “guest-blog” thing… I’m too worried that I’d get guest-bloggers who are more entertaining than I am, and then where would I be?

    Lewis… Hey, I love fortune cookies! Whenever I am working in San Francisco, my first stop is always to the Golden Gate Fortune Cookie Company!

    Ajooja… Well, Mike does have a cool Monkey Gravatar… that kind of gives him an edge here…

    Michelle… Well, I would certainly accept a cookie from a driver like YOU. But not all taxi drivers look like somebody I would want a cookie from!

    Laurence… Well, French sympathy certainly beats out French apathy, so I thank you very much! They make the best cookies in France…

    Bogup… For YOU maybe…

  33. Bec says:

    I’m typing this quickly as my battery is showing 2 minutes and my charger is all the way downstairs where there are people.

    Cry, for real, it helps sometimes… even fake cryng helps… Cookies definitely help and sympathy sex is the best… all of which I would love to help you with… 🙂

    Anyway, take some time to yourself and just do whatever you want to do… It’s your life and you are the only one living it (says the girl who won’t leave her room in daylight hours at the moment because it’s all horrible out there with the people asking what’s wrong all the time)…

    Put simply. it’s not that bad… at least you don’t live in England with our bad design ethics…!

  34. sandra says:

    I had that day last week; the a/c broke in our work building last week and by the end of day 2, I was so cranky that if I was 2, I would have laid down and thrown a tantrum.

  35. diane says:

    Now I want a cookie. Thanks a LOT Dave!

  36. Robin says:

    I’m told I make the best chocolate chip cookies… sending some cyber cookies your way.

  37. Mocha says:

    I would opt for ‘angry sex’ because you really WILL feel tired after that and you can take that much needed nap. Wake up & have a cookie after that. Not an ‘angry cookie’, either. A regular one.

  38. Hmmmm…I have questions.

    “I’m talking about that fake sobbing you do when you want to garner sympathy-sex from your girlfriend…” – See, I think that needs some more explanation, ’cause some of us have never had that since we’re a) women and b) not gay. And I can honestly say, I’ve never met a man who would only offer me sex if I cried…actually, crying seems to send men running in the other direction (rather than towards the bedroom). No doubt it’s one of those Mars/Venus things.

    And what – you got an invitation for sex from an anonymous commenter! You’re going to pass that up?! She/he/it could be living right next door to you RIGHT NOW. She/he/it might even fix you cookies if you asked sweetly enough.

    *tsk* All that opportunity wasted…

  39. Harold says:

    ….. you had me at the word ” Sympathy” and I’ll throw in a dozen cookies too ! 🙂

  40. Dan says:

    Well, I’ve commented like 3 times in the past week and haven’t gotten any response. So boo hoo for me!

  41. Mooselet says:

    All my kids want when they fake cry is a band-aid and a sympathy kiss. I have band-aids with Hello Kitty on them, will that do?

  42. Dave2 says:

    Bec… I’m not really a crier, and I don’t know why. Even when I actually DID have agonizing kidney stones, I was more insane than crying.

    Sandra… I would have had a temper tantrum anyway. Perhaps this is because I have the mentality of a two-year-old?

    Diane… When you go buy some, get a cookie for me too!

    Robin… Something must be lost in the cyber-translation, because they’re not tasting very good to me! 🙁

    Mocha… Angry cookies taste just as good as regular cookies!

    Caffeinated Librarian… Guys are always wanting sex… too much sex… and so you do what you have to do in order to get it!

    Harold… Shall I drive by in the morning and collect them? 🙂

    Dan… Well if it’s any consolation, it’s not just you. I’ve been a little busy, and haven’t had a chance to reply to many comments for a bit. 🙁

    Mooselet… Is that Hello Kitty band-aid stuck to a cookie?

  43. apricoco says:

    Since I already have a blog crush on you, sympathy sex would be no problem. I mean when can we start?… Oops wait.. husband… yeah whatever. I could use some sympathy sex myself.

    Ok. Fine. Cookies. Do you like Oreos? I like Ores and sex. Damn husband and vows and all that crap!

  44. Michelle says:

    That is awfully sweet to write your blog when you’re so tired. We just appreciate you thinking of us. I hope you had the best dreams ever….. involving plenty of pity sex and cookies.

  45. I learned how to do this long ago on the AOL branded internets… are you ready?


    That’s a chocolate chip cookie AND…


    Glass of milk.

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