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Bullet Sunday 24

Posted on Sunday, April 1st, 2007

Dave!Bullet Sunday on April 1st? Hmmm... since Blogography is foolish 365 days a year, there doesn't seem to be much point in an April Fool's Day here.

• Happy Baker... As I sit here after a long day of work, my bread-making machine has just kicked into "baking" mode after having spent the past three hours mixing, rising, and blending the dough. As it bakes, the bread is smelling like paradise wrapped in an orgasm. I hope I can restrain the urge to stick my head in the machine before it's done.

• Super-Less... As I wrote back in December, the Superman Movie Ultimate Collector Set I bought arrived with one duplicate DVD and one missing DVD. As I also wrote, the bastards at Warner Home Video wouldn't just let me swap the duplicate... I had to return the entire set and re-order it. Well, guess what? The set has entirely sold out, and there doesn't seem to be plans to produce more of them. So now I can't order it unless I pay huge money for a second-market copy. Great. I should have just kept the bad set and purchased the one movie I was missing, which would have been infinitely cheaper than buying it now. Warner Home Video fuckers. Your customer service sucks ass, and thanks for screwing me for something that was your mistake.

• Contract-Free... Based on the rumors that Apple was coming out with a mobile phone, I didn't renew my contract with Verizon when it came due last summer. Back in January, I was rewarded when the iPhone was unveiled at MacWorld for a June release. While I wait for iPhone, Verizon is doing their best to get me to sign a new contract. At first it was just reminders. Then it was an analysis of my calling plan and offers to save money if I signed a new contract. Then it was special offers for high-end phone rebates if I signed. Now I've received an offer for a free month of service and a sweet new phone... if I sign a 2-year contract. It seems the longer I wait, the better the offers get. Well, since Verizon stupidly passed on the iPhone when they had the chance, none of this is enough to win me back. I guess the moral of the story is... unless you are needing a new phone immediately after your contract ends, you might want to wait a few months before re-signing to see what extras your carrier will offer to keep you.

• Suffer Well... I don't normally add outside content to my blog, preferring to make everything here myself. But last week I discovered something so amazing, that I just can't resist. As a side-promotion for their album Playing the Angel, Depeche Mode recreated one of their songs, Suffer Well, for a video game extension to The Sims 2 called "Open for Business." Believe it or not, the track is sung in "Simlish," which is the official nonsensical "language" of the game's characters. That alone would be great, but the video that goes along with the song is just amazing. This is an embedded YouTube movie, which may require you to click out of a feed-reader, if you are using one. To download the video direct from Depeche Mode's site, here's that link.

• Vista Activation... Unlike Apple, Microsoft does not make the hardware on which their Windows Vista OS runs. Because of this, it is understandable that they would want to stop piracy of their software, because that's all they have to make their money. But I am here to tell you... if you ever run into a problem with your Vista installation and end up needing a new activation key, you're f#@%ed. Friday morning I booted into Vista to check a website error, and received a nasty black screen telling me that a critical component of the OS was missing. Nothing I did could solve the problem, so I ended up reformatting the partition and completely reinstalling Vista. This resulted in me not being able to "activate" Vista again, because it was telling me the activation key was already in use. I couldn't use telephone re-activation for some reason, so I ended up calling support. After three telephone transfers, numerous conversations, and being put on hold a half-dozen times, I finally got my new key. Total time: FIFTY-EIGHT MINUTES! That's right, an HOUR gone from my life. In the meanwhile, Vista activation has been cracked, so the only people suffering here are NOT software pirates, but legal Microsoft customers. Shouldn't it be the other way around? As if I didn't hate Windows Vista enough already... sheesh.

Vista Dead

• You Can Dance... Courtesy of Frances Danger, I've put a music-type meme in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Music 2007Click To It: Permalink  26 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Troubleshooting

Posted on Monday, April 2nd, 2007

Dave!Well, shit! My Verizon DSL is down at home. AGAIN.

I don't know what pisses me off more... having to waste an hour with technical support when I already know what the issue is... or eventually being told that somebody will look at it when they damn well feel like it (i.e. 24 to 48 hours). What's even worse is that my Verizon DSL account doesn't come with a backup dial-up connection, despite the fact that my local phone service, long-distance phone service, wireless, and DirecTV service are ALL handled by Verizon. That's pretty f#@%ed up.

So now I have to drive into work anytime I want to use the internet, which sucks ass.

Dave Netless Insanity

What worries me is how I start to go insane if I am disconnected from the internet for more than 30 minutes. And it's not as if I don't have anything better to do than sitting around reading blogs and stuff, it's just that my life seems so abnormal when I'm not able to go online any time I want.

Which, of course, is all the time

Crap! Now I have to drive back to work so I can post this. Having an internet addiction blows.

Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  32 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Passovered

Posted on Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007

Dave!I just got through beating the crap out of a vending machine so I could get the Hershey's "Take 5" candy bar I just bought, only to discover that it is stale and doesn't taste very good. I should have gone for the "Snickers" bar, because those bitches last forever.

But enough about my lunch.

Last night after I had cried for a few hours because my internet is dead, I decided to do something constructive... like wash clothes and clean out my bedroom. It was while doing the latter that I noticed that the circular polarizing filter for my camera had a nice crack running through it. The last time I used it was when I was in Italy over a year ago, and have no idea how it happened. This was depressing, because a good polarizer costs around $124, and I really don't have that kind of money to be tossing around. But the idea of life without a circular polarizing filter fills me with dread, so I decided to buy a new one anyway.

Which is really difficult right now.

Because just about all of the big camera places are closed for Passover.

This comes as a bit of a shock to people like me living in the uncivilized parts of the Pacific Northwest, where the Jewish population is close to zero. Of course I know what Passover is, having been raised Catholic and seen The Ten Commandments, but my understanding of the Jewish celebration of the holiday is limited to an episode of Sports Night I once watched. I think it has to do with drinking lots of wine, eating matzo bread, and chewing bitter herbs in remembrance of the Mel Gibson anti-semitic tirade of 2006...

Dave Seder
Anybody know where I can get a veggie shank bone?

You also get to wear those little hats and get off work for a week, which sounds good to me (even though I don't look particularly good in a yamaka because my head is shaped like a peanut).

Unfortunately, I inadvertently violated Passover rules when I had my bread machine churn out a yummy loaf of leavened bread a couple nights ago. This wouldn't have been a big deal, except I blogged about it. That makes calling in Jewish at work a risky proposition, since I'm pretty sure there are co-workers who read Blogography. Thus, no Passover for my secular ass.

I'm seriously considering drinking those four glasses of wine anyway though. It will help me to deal with my DSL connection celebrating Passover without me.

Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  24 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Visa

Posted on Wednesday, April 4th, 2007

Dave!My DSL is back, thankfully, because I was about ready to wean myself off my internet addiction by getting addicted to something new... like hookers and cocaine. Sure it's more expensive, but maybe I can pay for the whores and blow with my credit card so I can rack up the frequent flier miles?

Two years ago I decided to stop charging anything to my credit card and pay for everything in cash or via debit card. My thinking was that this would keep me from running up debt, and force me to buy only the things I could actually afford. This was a big change from the "charge now and ask questions later" strategy I had been using for decades, and ended up being a real eye-opener as to my spending habits.

Today I was checking my frequent flier mileage balance to see what trips I would be taking later this year, and came across another eye-opening discovery... my mileage balance has been slowly shrinking. Since I used to charge absolutely everything on my airline credit card, I received a substantial amount of miles from everyday purchases. Buying a can of fruit cocktail on credit was just another step towards a free ticket.

But no more.

So last night I went back through my old credit card statements and found, to my horror, that I have been screwing myself out of thousands upon thousands of miles annually by paying with cash. As the color was draining from my face, I came to the realization that my lazy attempt at financial management had ended up costing me several hundred dollars in airfare. Had I simply decided to keep better track of my spending instead of eliminating my credit card, I would have been much better off.

So now I'm back to charging everything again, but this time I'm being careful to create a budget and control my spending. Except now my old plan, which was based on not having internet ever again, is in need of revision...

Dave Expenses

Though I don't suppose there's any harm in trying out this plan for a month or two and seeing how things go...

Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  34 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Boxers

Posted on Thursday, April 5th, 2007

Dave!Bleh.

Is there anything more sad than sitting around drinking martinis in your boxer shorts while waiting for The Office to start because you just can't get motivated to do anything else?

Including writing in your blog?

Daveboxers

Yeah. That's what I thought.

Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  39 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Punk’d

Posted on Friday, April 6th, 2007

Dave!As I was walking to my car this morning, I very nearly stepped in a pile of dog shit. The close call was made even more strange when I got to my car and saw that a dog was across the parking lot staring at me. I can only guess that he was the perpetrator, and was undoubtedly disappointed that I hadn't stepped into his trap. If he had a video camera, I'd say it's like an episode of "Doggy Punk'd" or something. More likely that he was just bored, and this is what he does for laughs.

Except now he knows what car I drive, so I can only imagine where he will choose to take a crap next. If I find a steaming pile on the hood of my car tomorrow, I'm going to hunt down that dog and shove it back up his ass. Who will be laughing then?

Dave Doggy Punk'd

And speaking of putting shit back in the dog...

I just saw the single worst movie ever: National Lampoon's Gold Diggers, and am trying to figure out why in the hell National Lampoon would put their name on such a bad, BAD film. The terrible story and acting would have been forgivable... except IT WASN'T FUNNY!! And isn't that what National Lampoon is all about? Rotten Tomatoes has listed an aggregated review score of 0%, AND lists it as #7 on the "100 Worst-Reviewed Films of All Time," so why in the heck would they ever release it on DVD? Far better to lock this piece of shit in a vault and drop it to the bottom of the ocean than to tarnish the National Lampoon name! They may not be as respected now as in their Animal House days, but there's no reason to flush their reputation down the toilet entirely...

Golddiggerssucks

You know a film is bad when it features ultra-hot Nikki Ziering topless, and I still can't find anything good to say about it.

   

Glorious

Posted on Saturday, April 7th, 2007

Dave!I have yet to figure out why I am chronically unlucky when it comes to driving karma.

You can bet your ass that if there is a dumbass on the road, he'll be in my immediate vicinity. If there is a traffic accident, it will happen right in front of me. If there is road construction closing down a lane, I'll be the one they make stop and wait. If a 90-year-old woman is out for a Sunday drive, I'll be the one stuck behind her. When it comes to being delayed, interrupted, stopped, or cut-off, I'm the guy who is going to be selected by the driving gods to get shafted.

And it's always when I'm in a hurry.

Today I had to run home really quick before I left for the movies. Naturally, a train decided to pass right as I got to the crossing...

Stopped for a Train

Once I finally got past the crossing, a fruit truck going 15 miles under the speed limit pulls out in front of me...

Stopped for a Fruit Truck

After I got home, dropped my stuff, and finally made it out to the highway, a State Patrol car decided to pull out as well, which meant speeding to the theater to make up for lost time wasn't an option (forgive me for not including a photo, but something tells me that the State Patrol frowns upon taking photos from a moving car going 60mph on the highway... especially when it's the driver doing the photography).

Typical.

But somehow I made it to the movie on time, which is where I got to watch the greatest film released in recent memory, BLADES OF GLORY!

Blades of Glory

Forget 300, Last King of Scotland, The Queen, Zodiac, Blood Diamond, and even Ghost Rider, THIS is the movie which will stand the test of time! I'd put it right up there with The Godfather and The Terminator in terms of greatness!

Okay, maybe not. But it was a lot of fun, and much better than I expected...

Monkey of Glory

I just can't figure out why nobody has thought of building a comedy around double-men pairs skating before. It's a brilliant concept. Will Ferrell, Jon Heder, Amy Poehler, Will Arnett, and Craig T. Nelson were all perfectly cast in their roles... but I'd have to say that it's Jenna Fischer who will end up with an Oscar nomination out of this film. She has a lingerie scene which will have people completely forgetting her mousy "Pam" character from The Office. Who knew?

Bring on Spider-Man 3.

   

Bullet Sunday 25

Posted on Sunday, April 8th, 2007

Dave!Make a joyful noise for Bullet Sunday has risen!

• Easter... I gave up celebrating Easter around the same time I gave up being Catholic (almost 20 years ago now!) but still love the holiday for one very good reason: the candy. I absolutely love Easter candy. From having my teeth shiver as I bite into the sweetness that is a Cadbury Chocolate Cream Egg... to getting some of my favorite candies in egg shapes and pastel colors... Easter is a candy-lover's dream come true. In many ways, I'm thinking it even eclipses Halloween in terms of confectionary importance to me now...

Dave Easter Chocolate
Nothing wrong with getting a little tail on Easter.

Which is probably why I'm choosing to celebrate the holiday by lapsing into a chocolate coma.

• Voicemail... ABC Television has an amazing new video player on their site which, get this, IS MACINTOSH COMPATIBLE!! As if that weren't cool enough, you can watch full episodes of sweet ABC shows like Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy. But here's the best thing... they have an original online series called Voicemail that's priceless...

Voicemail
Mike is a character that just about any guy can relate to at some point in their lives.

For best effect, you'll want to go to ABC.com and choose their New Video Player. But you can also access the webisodes in the old Flash player format from the Voicemail web site (which is also funny). This is one of those rare online series that is actually worth your valuable time. I hope they sell the episodes at iTunes after the first "season" is over, because I would gladly pay money to have this show saved on iTunes for a rainy day when I need a laugh.

Of course, this being ABC, they will undoubtedly cancel it half-way through the current season and we'll never see it again. It's what they do.

• Three... There is no bullet point three. Move along.

• Flash!... Ever since seeing Blades of Glory, I've had Queen's brilliant Flash Gordon Theme playing in my head. Depiste the poor reviews, I always liked the 1980 Flash Gordon film... largely due to the funky visuals, excellent film score by Queen, and the sweet hotness of Melody Anderson. I bought the soundtrack album long ago on vinyl (long since lost) but lucky for me it's available at the iTunes Music store. Sweet! I also note that one of my favorite videos, Radio Ga Ga, is also available. The song has never been one of my favorites, but the epic dream-like quality of the video is a winner...

Queen Radio Ga Ga
Freddie looking fierce, fabulous, and very gay wearing leather pants, feathers, and a sash.

• Extracurricular... Why is it that every time I turn around, there's another teacher being busted for sleeping with their under-aged students? And, even more importantly, why wasn't this part of the educational curriculum when I was in school? Granted, there were very few of my teachers I would have wanted to sleep with, but I can think of one or two that I'd have gladly let tutor me in some after-school sessions. Just think of the embarrassment that could have been avoided in fumbling to remove that first bra had a teacher been kind enough to show me how it's done! That being said, you would think that the penalty for violating the trust of parents who put their kids in a teacher's care like this would be death. Of course, I'm still trying to wrap my head around the idea that somebody finds underage girls and boys to be sexually attractive, so maybe I'm just biased.

And, on that note, I must now have jellybeans. JELLYBEANS I SAY!!

   

Conduct

Posted on Monday, April 9th, 2007

Dave!Today the blogosphere is abuzz over Tim O' Reilly's well-meaning but entirely insane proposal for bloggers to adopt a "Code of Conduct." The New York Times was all too happy to jump on the bandwagon by running a page-one story entitled "A Call for Manners in the World of Nasty Blogs." This could have been an interesting piece, but once I read the opening line ("Is it too late to bring civility to the Web?") I was laughing too hard to pay much attention.

Now, before I dig in, let me state that I am giving the benefit of doubt that Tim O' Reilly's heart is in the right place here. I understand he is trying to do a good thing. Who wouldn't want to make the blogosphere a better, safer place after the disturbing events surrounding the Kathy Sierra incident? Some of the stuff that goes on in our "world" is hurtful, hateful, and just plain sick. Wanting to address these horrors is only human.

But no thank you.

I'm not signing up for anything that tells me what I can say, how I should run my blog, and how I should react to other people's blogs. If anybody cares why I feel this way, I've address Mr. O'Reilly's six bullet-points in an extended entry...

→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  45 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

   

Movied

Posted on Tuesday, April 10th, 2007

Dave!Yeesh. Another night of writing my entry just as midnight approaches. I guess that's what happens when you are slaving away morning noon and night to get caught up with work.

I suppose there are lots of things I could write about, but it's late, so I think I'll just grab that movie meme that's been floating around. Kevin has done is now, so I guess I pretty much have to...

  • Name a movie that you have seen more than 10 times. Wow. Many, many of my favorite films have been seen at least 10 times. Here's a few from memory... Aliens, Back to the Future 1 & 2, Bedazzled, Beverly Hills Cop, The Birdcage, Buckaroo Banzai, Chasing Amy, Clerks, Coming to America, Commando, The Day The Earth Stood Still, Field of Dreams, The Fifth Element, Groundhog Day, The Matrix, Office Space, Real Genius, Remo Williams, Sneakers, South Park: Bigger-Longer-Uncut, Star Trek II & IV, Star Wars, Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back, The Terminator, Terminator 2, This is Spinal Tap, True Lies, and Undercover Blues.
  • Name a movie that you've seen multiple times in the theater. Recently that would be Clerks 2 and Casino Royale. My personal record would probably be The Matrix, which I believe I've seen in a theater 6 times.
  • Name an actor that would make you more inclined to see a movie. Elizabeth Hurley.
  • Name an actor that would make you less likely to see a movie. David Caruso.
  • Name a movie that you can and do quote from. So many. I'm pretty good with Buckaroo Banzai quotes.
  • Name a movie musical that you know all of the lyrics to all of the songs. I don't do musicals. Though I liked the soundtrack from Xanadu back in the day, so maybe that one. Or Grease maybe?
  • Name a movie that you have been known to sing along with. Uh. None that I know of.
  • Name a movie that you would recommend everyone see. Undercover Blues, which is one of my favorite movies that people are always overlooking.
  • Name a movie that you own. I own many, many films.
  • Name an actor that launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops. Elizabeth Hurley is an obvious choice.
  • Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in? If so, what? When I was a kid, this was a popular summer pass-time, so I'm sure there are many. I do remember seeing the original Star Wars for the third time at the drive-in.
  • Ever made out in a movie? Sure.
  • Name a movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven't yet gotten around to it. Talladega Nights.
  • Ever walked out of a movie? Born American, which made me embarrassed to be American. It's the worst movie I've ever seen in a theater (though I very nearly walked out on Spanglish, which was almost as bad).
  • Name a movie that made you cry in the theater. Dirty Dancing, but only because I was drunk and had gotten some really bad news earlier in the evening.
  • What's the last movie you saw in the theater? The most excellent Blades of Glory.
  • What's your favorite/preferred genre of movie? Action/Adventure is probably at the top.
  • What's the first movie you remember seeing in the theater? Herbie the Love Bug.
  • What movie do you wish you had never seen? Recently? The horrendously bad National Lampoon's Gold Diggers. Wretched, awful stuff.
  • What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed? Being John Malkovich is probably an easy pick for this one.
  • What is the scariest movie you've seen? Movies don't scare me much like they used to... back in the day, I was terrified from watching the original Alien.
  • What is the funniest movie you've seen? Gee, have no idea... Basketball, Stripes, or The Birdcage maybe? Eurotrip always makes me laugh.
  • Oog. Time for bed. But before I go, I was pleased to see that the plans for the first "Hard Rock Park" in Myrtle Beach have finally been released. It's looking pretty sweet, and bigger than I had thought it would be...

    Hard Rock Park

    Hard Rock Park

    The juicy details can be found at Myrtle Beach Online (which is where I snagged these photos). I guess that will be one more property to add to my list when it opens in 2008.

       

    Fellow

    Posted on Wednesday, April 11th, 2007

    Dave!Finally. Finally the praise and recognition I so richly deserve has started to come my way. It may have taken a bit longer than I expected, but my plan for world domination has been set in motion at long last. As more and more people celebrate my greatness, my influence will grow and my destiny to rule the earth will finally be realized.

    Today I was bestowed the great privilege of becoming a "Paul Harris Fellow" by the local chapter of Rotary International. It was awarded me in recognition of service to Rotary and the local community, which is a real honor. I got a medal and a certificate and everything...

    Davepaulharrisfellow

    I'm thinking I'm just going to wear my medal constantly so everybody will know how great I am. It's not like I do things for the community to win prizes and get medals but, so long as they're giving me one, I might as well take advantage of it.

    To celebrate, I went to dinner with my mom at Applebee's.

    I had the Tuscan Cheese Spread appetizer as an entree, which tasted so good it was like a full-body massage, complete with a happy ending...

    Tuscancheesespread

    You get grilled ciabatta bread slices that you top with warm, gooey Italian cheese and a tomato-garlic salad. It's pretty amazing, especially if you like garlic. I wanted very much to spread it all over my waitress and have a party, but I try not to do inappropriate things like this when my mother's around.

    I guess I'll have to save that idea for another time.

    I wonder if you face jail-time for spreading hot cheese on a waitress?

    I suppose it all depends on how big a tip you have leave.

    And if you're wearing a medal or not, of course.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007, Food 2007Click To It: Permalink  27 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Pepperoni

    Posted on Thursday, April 12th, 2007

    Dave!F#@%ING VERIZON DSL PIECE OF SHIT!

    For the third time in two weeks, my DSL is down and, as if that wasn't frustrating enough, calling Verizon tech support results in a recording that directs you to their website before you get to any menus. IF YOU ARE CALLING FOR SUPPORT BECAUSE YOUR INTERNET IS DOWN, HOW IN THE F#@% ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO GET TO THEIR WEBSITE?!? Who is the genius who came up with this logic? Once I do finally get through, another recording tells me that Verizon is aware of the problems in the 509 area code, and it should be resolved in 24 hours.

    TWENTY-FOUR F#@%ING HOURS? WTF?!?

    Yesterday as I was writing my daily blog entry, it was announced that sublime novelist Kurt Vonnegut had died. As a huge fan of his work, I was sad to hear this. I've learned so much from his writing, and had thought it would be swell to write a nice long entry about him. I started a few times, but couldn't find the words to adequately express how much he meant to me. In the end, I kept coming back to a quote of his that just about says it all...

    "I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can't see from the center".

    Indeed.

    So it goes... rest in peace Kurt Vonnegut. Time for me to read Slaughterhouse-Five again.

    Dave and Avitable

    And speaking of utter brilliance, I ran across this "Interview Me" meme on Avitable's blog. Unfortunately, I don't have time to interview anybody, and had to pass on the fun. But Avi, bless his heart, was nice enough to send me his five interview questions anyway...

    1. Out of all of your travels, what is the most interesting place you have been to and why? This is a really difficult question to answer, because I have been lucky enough to see so many amazing places. Ultimately, I'd have to say that Thailand was the most interesting, because my trip there changed my life. It was Thailand that taught me what was important in life, and introduced me to the Buddhist precepts which helped me find my path.
    2. What do you do for a living? You don't have to give identifying specifics, just what it is that you do all day long. I'm a graphic designer, and I pretty much do whatever people are willing to pay me to do (I am such a whore!). I design advertising, brochures, web sites, catalogs, pamphlets, packaging, product instructions, clothing tags, book covers, album covers, media kiosks, and bunches of other stuff. People also hire me to create drawings, illustrations, maps, 3-D models, animation, and other creative endeavors like retouching or editing photos. From time to time I also edit and assemble video footage, design DVD menu screens, and write musical scores for them. In the past I have been lucky enough to work on storyboards for films, illustrations for comic books, character design for video games, and other cool stuff. Pretty much anything and everything.
    3. If you had a chance to hook up with Elizabeth Hurley or save four orphans in a burning building, which would you choose? Well, Elizabeth Hurley is married now, so hooking up wouldn't be a very nice thing to do. I think I'd save the orphans so that Elizabeth Hurley would hear about my story, be impressed with my bravery, divorce her husband, then hook up with me.
    4. What was your favorite meat when you did eat meat? Do you ever miss it? Pepperoni. There is simply no vegetarian equivalent that is worth a crap. Even worse, the fake stuff doesn't crisp up like a nice thin piece of real pepperoni on a slice of pizza does. A delightfully delicious piece of authentic 100% USDA beef pepperoni. An orgasm-inducing, mouthwatering, finger-licking, lip-smacking, slice of sublime pepperoni. Do I miss it? Nah, not so much...
    5. What is your philosophy on life? Forgive me for once again quoting Buckaroo Banzai here, but this is what I come back to again and again when trying to summarize my philosophy on life: "No matter where you go, there you are." What this says to me is to accept things for what they are rather than trying to make them into something they aren't. Wonderful in its simplicity, really.

    Excellent questions Mr Avitable! I'm breaking the rules by not inviting people to be interviewed by me, but you can go get in line behind the 75+ people awaiting questions from Avi.

    And tomorrow, I'm back to Seattle. But first I'm off to work so I can post this entry.

    UPDATE: Well that's odd. Just as I was getting ready to head out, the internet came back on. Bizarre.

       

    Thong

    Posted on Friday, April 13th, 2007

    Dave!I am wearing a thong and am entirely too drukn to blog.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  35 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Kibble

    Posted on Saturday, April 14th, 2007

    Dave!Honestly, it's not as bad as it looks. I actually did realize that I had misspelled "drunk" as "drukn" in last night's entry. But instead of posting an edit, I accidentally posted a duplicate copy. After I realized that I had made two entries, I went to delete the one with the misspelling, but accidentally deleted the one that was corrected instead.

    Okay, I guess that actually is as bad as it looks.

    But what's surprising here is not my drunken behavior. It's the fact that everybody in the comments wants to see a picture of me wearing a thong. I'm guessing this would not have been the case had I mentioned is was a ladies thong. Naturally, this being the age of digital cameras and such, photos were taken...

    Dave Thong

    And yes, I was wearing the thong over my jeans because, even in a drunken state, I realize that nobody wants to actually see a guy wearing a ladies thong. It's not even remotely "cute" because your junk would be all hanging out...

    Dave Thong

    Now, had it been a mens thong with a proper pouch for my kibble and bits, then I probably would have taken my jeans off first.

    I'm classy like that.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  34 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 26

    Posted on Sunday, April 15th, 2007

    Dave!I'm tired. I'm hungry. I'm irritable. And it's time for Bullet Sunday!

    • Driven. You're driving back from the Seattle over the mountain pass with your iPod set on shuffle and piped into the stereo. Suddenly the rain stops and the sun starts to come out. Everything is fresh and green and the air smells as if the world is brand new. Then Etta James' beautiful voice comes over the speakers singing At Last, and suddenly you realize that you're glad to be alive. For a few minutes anyway. Then some moron pulls in front of you going 10 mph under the speed limit and you're stuck behind them for 20 minutes wanting crash into their stupid ass... not even caring if you survive, just so long as they die in a ball of fire. Isn't it strange how life can turn on a dime like that?

    • Panera. I took a photo of my most favorite sandwich at Panera Bread yesterday. Behold the glory that is The Mediterranean...

    Panera Bread

    I wish I had another one right now, because the only thing I have to eat here at home is chocolate pudding.

    • Leopard. Apple announced that the next version of OS X, code-name Leopard, has been delayed four months, moving to an October release date. This is a bit of a shame, but better late than Vista. At least I'll have my iPhone to keep me occupied come summertime...

    Daveleopard

    • Repaired. Finally scraped the money together to have Saturn repair all the damage that Midas did to my car when they "fixed" it last. Sure I'm poor now, but at least I don't have to stare at that stupid "Service Engine Soon" light anymore. Not having my car backfire when I turn the engine off is pretty sweet too. If only Saturn would have installed rocket launchers and a flame-thrower, the ride home wouldn't have been quite so bad.

    Now it's time for dinner. Looks like it's going to be chocolate pudding and a can of 7-Up tonight.

       

    Spider

    Posted on Monday, April 16th, 2007

    Dave!It's the time of year when little critters that belong outside start waking up and finding their way inside.

    As I was unpacking my suitcase I noticed a small spider skittering away. I felt bad for the little guy, as he was obviously quite lost and, if he hitched a ride from Seattle, far from home. Yet, as sorry as I was feeling, I was not quite ready to have him as a roommate. The quick and easy solution to my problem was to grab something heavy and smash him. But that always seems so senseless and cruel. It's not like he knows any better, and it hardly seems fair to kill him because he isn't aware he's trespassing...

    Spider Roommate

    So I do what I always do... try to take him back outside.

    But first I had to find him. This involved ten minutes of tearing apart my bedroom and chasing the fastest spider on earth. But eventually I managed to catch him under a glass and slide a card beneath. Once caught, he didn't put up much of a struggle, and sat there motionless on the card awaiting his fate.

    Which was to be put on a nice shrub just outside the building where, hopefully, he'll be happy.

    In a world where it is increasingly more common to kill a life than save it... where it's far easier to destroy something than to create it... it's the little things like this that help me feel better about my place in the grand scheme of things.

    Even though a bird probably flew in and ate my spider two minutes after I set him outside.

    I prefer to think that he spun up a nice web and is even now picking out wallpaper and curtains for his new home.

       

    Indirectly

    Posted on Tuesday, April 17th, 2007

    Dave!Oooh. Hate-comment of the day... "You are just another turd in the blog toilet clogging up Google with shit!" At first I thought that my Farrah-hating comment stalker was back, but a quick check of my stats shows a different IP address. So then I took a look through my search referral log and see that this person found me from a Google search for "ann coulter shaved porn." Such is the peril of having your blog archives indexed by Google, I guess.

    I'd be upset, but I'm too freaked out at the idea that anybody would want to see Ann Coulter doing porn... shaved or otherwise. Just typing the phrase "ann coulter shaved porn" is enough to make me vomit in my mouth a little bit.

    Even though this particular comment can't be taken seriously, I do get criticism from time to time over my apparent refusal to say anything of substance here, and for clogging up the blogosphere with my senseless crap. I draw funny cartoons and talk about wacky stuff, but any serious discussion is notably absent (except on rare occasions). My response has always been that I deal with enough serious crap all day long that I don't feel like dealing with it all over again in my blog. And that's pretty much the truth. Naturally I have my opinions on subjects like Don Imus, President Bush, Global Warming, Stem Cell Research, Knut the Bear, and all the rest... but blogging specifically about that stuff is simply not something I'm interested in. There are many, many other blogs out there who are happy to mix it up, I just don't happen to be one of them.

    But to say that I don't put my 2¢ in on current events is not quite true, because many times I actually do so... just indirectly.

    For example, my entry yesterday about the spider in my suitcase was written around 1:00am. I couldn't sleep, and decided to write out a blog entry in the hopes that my mind would relax and I could go back to bed. Even though it had just become Monday, I decided not to post it right away, and tried to get more sleep. Fast forward to my lunch hour where I am checking the news, and the Virginia Tech Massacre story is all over the place. Deeply saddened by yet another case of senseless violence in an increasingly senseless world, I added the following paragraph to the entry I had written earlier that morning...

    "In a world where it is increasingly more common to kill a life than save it... where it's far easier to destroy something than to create it... it's the little things like this that help me feel better about my place in the grand scheme of things."

    This was an indirect response to the news coming out of Virginia, even though most people probably didn't realize it as such.

    And, to quote Forrest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that."

    Of course, now my blog is going to rocket to the top of the Google charts for people who can't get enough Ann Coulter shaved porn. I'd address that indirectly by talking about a television program I once saw about pubic lice, but something tells me this would just confuse the issue further.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  26 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Educated

    Posted on Wednesday, April 18th, 2007

    Dave!Today I received probably the strangest phone call in my life.

    Well, there was that time Bad Robert called to ask me if I knew how to get baby oil stains out of a fabric car seat, but this one was pretty strange.

    My friend Natsuki called because a plumber couldn't understand her. Never mind that she speaks perfect English, the guy she hired to install a sink claimed he didn't know what she was saying. Natsuki was calling to ask if she could explain what she wanted to me, then have me explain it to the guy. Bewildered as to how this could possibly be happening, I agreed. After I had gone over everything with the plumber, he thanked me and then added "I wish these people would get educated before they move here."

    Needless to say, I came unglued.

    "Oh really?" I replied. "Natsuki not only holds a design degree, she also speaks Japanese, Chinese, French, and English... how many f#@%ing languages do YOU speak? Maybe YOU'RE the one who needs to be educated in how to listen to people!"

    Seriously, WTF? I understand that some people have difficulty understanding an accent, but that wasn't the problem here. Natsuki's English is perfectly understandable, and there was no reason at all for a comment like that... the plumber was just being a lazy asshole who apparently has a problem with foreigners... or women... or, more likely, both. I'd bet serious money that if the plumber ever went to Japan, he wouldn't bother to learn a word of Japanese first.

    Jerk.

    My day was made better when I got home and saw a television ad for Dancing & Singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider-Man!!"

    Itsy Bitsy Spider-Man

    Probably one of the cutest toys ever. He can really dance! Bust a move, Spidey...

    Itsy Bitsy Spider-Man

    Somebody I know needs to have a baby so I can have an excuse to go buy one (then play with it before I give it to them).

    This is one of those things where I'm going to get drunk one day and order it off Amazon or something.

    At least that's the excuse I use when people catch me playing with my Star Trek Barbie & Ken dolls...

    Dave Star Trek Barbie

    Beam me up, Scotty... I want off this planet.

    Categories: DaveLife 2007Click To It: Permalink  28 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Dave Approved: Puzzle Quest

    Posted on Thursday, April 19th, 2007

    Dave!Most people are probably familiar with the matching game Bejeweled in one form or another. You swap two similar pieces on a board in an effort to build chains of three or more so that they'll disappear and more pieces will fall to fill in the holes. It's a great game that I've played many, many times... not only as Bejeweled, but as Zoo Keeper, Diamond Mine, and an assortment of other clones. The problem is that it gets boring after a while, because the game doesn't change... it's just more of the same, forever!

    Enter a new game for the Nintendo DS called Puzzle Quest: Challenge of the Warlords. Yes, it's based on the same tile-swapping game-play as Bejeweled, but they added so many new layers to the concept, that it really feels like something altogether different...

    Puzzle Quest!

    Each of the items you remove from the board adds something to the game play. Colored tiles add to your magical mana, which you use to cast spells during battle. Gold gives you money to buy things like armor and weapons, or build a citadel. Stars give you experience points to gain experience levels and learn new abilities. Skulls cause damage to your opponent. It's all very cool how they managed to merge puzzles and role-playing into something that's so much fun to play. You can even battle another player over Nintendo DS Wirless, if you both have a cartridge...

    Puzzle Quest!

    Unlike Bejeweled, which gets boring because there's no real goal, Puzzle Quest keeps you interested. You're always wanting to get more gold so you can add a dungeon to your citadel... or buy some new armor for protection. You're always wanting to get more experience so you can learn new spells and get stronger. You're always wanting to win battles so you can open up more of the map and move on to new challenges. Every choice you make actually means something, and moves you forward in the game's story...

    Puzzle Quest!

    Beautifully rendered, highly entertaining, and incredibly addictive, Puzzle Quest: Challenge of the Warlords gets my highest possible recommendation. I shudder to think how much time I'll be wasting playing it.

    Categories: Dave ApprovedClick To It: Permalink  14 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    CS3

    Posted on Friday, April 20th, 2007

    Dave!Now, before I go all crazy here, let me just preface this entry by saying that, for the most part, I love Adobe products. I have been using them from the very, very beginning, and simply could not do the work I do without them. Not only that, but I love Adobe as a company as well... they continue to support the Macintosh platform with day-and-date releases with Windows, and that goes a long way towards winning my heart.

    That being said, Adobe's latest version 3 release of their amazing Creative Suite of products (which includes such giants as Photoshop, Illustrator, Dreamweaver, Flash, Acrobat, InDesign, and more... depending on the bundle version) has pissed me off greatly.

    I go to install the shit, wait fifteen minutes for everything to load up, then am immediately greeted with a notice that my serial number for CS2 isn't authorized to upgrade to CS3, even though I purchased the proper upgrade. WTF?!? Yet another case of loyal, paying customers getting shit on by software companies under the guise of "combatting software piracy." Except everybody knows that software pirates ALWAYS end up getting around this crap, so it's only legal customers who end up getting fucked.

    This means I have to call Adobe Customer Service, get put on hold for 15 minutes (with crap "music"), then have to wait another ten minutes while they verify my upgrade is valid. Then I have to offer up a "verification code" and get a "response code" so that my software can be authorized. What a fucking joke.

    And, of course, I can't use the same response code for my second authorized laptop install this morning... I have to call and go through the entire ordeal again over a shitty phone line connection to India (or wherever) that I can barely hear anything on.

    Fuck you very much Adobe.

    Even though your customer service agents where incredibly nice and a pleasure to speak with.

    Anyway, now that the crap is installed, it's time to start bitching! Though not right away, because the first thing I notice is the new icon set Adobe is using. Great icons? No. But they are a huge, massively huge, improvement over the incomprehensible artsy shit we got in CS1 and CS2 (which I wrote about here). For starters, you CAN ACTUALLY TELL WHAT THE ICONS ARE REPRESENTING NOW...

    Adobe Icons 2007

    As for the rest of my initial Adobe Creative Suite 3 impressions, I've dropped everything in an extended entry...

    → Click here to continue reading this entry...
    Categories: Apple Stuff 2007Click To It: Permalink  23 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Morning

    Posted on Saturday, April 21st, 2007

    Dave!I am not a morning person.

    Even though I get up before sunrise, my daily routine is such that I'm not good for much during the early hours. Most of the time I'll just grab my laptop and either read blogs or work for a bit until I am motivated to get out of bed. Usually this is dictated by my need to pee, but sometimes it's because the phone will ring or some other disturbance. In any event, asking me to do anything at 4:30 in the morning is a pretty bad idea. But Jessica over at Daughter of Opinion has asked people to take a photo of themselves when they first wake up in the morning, and she's pretty hard to refuse anything.

    So last night before bed, I put my camera on my night-stand on top of my glasses so I would not forget. Here is the terrifying result...

    Sleepy Dave

    Since it's still dark when I get up, I just turned on my desk lamp and snapped the photo. It's a bit off-center, but considering I am practically blind without my glasses, I feel lucky my head is even in the shot at all.

    I find it interesting to note that Jessica looks like she just walked off the set of America's Next Top Model in her photo, which is why I suppose she came up with the idea for this meme in the first place. If I looked that good first thing in the morning, I'd want people to know about it too.

    Though, to be honest, I would probably be a lot more crass about it than she is. I'd use it as a pick-up line or something... "Hey baby, I look totally hot in the mornings. But don't take my word for it, why don't you come back to my place so you can wake up and see for yourself... heh, heh, heh."

    Men are such pigs.

    I suppose I shouldn't complain too much about my photo... I'm just happy that there's not a welt on my face anymore.

    Yesterday I was driving down the road while messing with my seat-belt. I needed both hands to turn a corner, so I let go of the belt only to have it slip out of the restraining loop and smack me in the face. Hard. It left a nice red mark that was still there when I went to bed last night.

    Nothing quite like being bitch-slapped by life after a hard day at work.

    Categories: Memes 2006Click To It: Permalink  35 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 27

    Posted on Sunday, April 22nd, 2007

    Dave!Hey, it's Bullet Sunday on Earth Day! A time when eco-minded individuals can feel guilty about the damage we are doing to our planet, then forget it about it again until next year!

    • Veggie... As of today, I have been a vegetarian for 19 years. I had toyed with the idea off-and-on for a few years before committing, but it took dating a vegetarian for the diet to stick (which was on Earth Day 1988... a pity we broke up three months later). About the only thing I really miss is pepperoni, for which there is no good veggie substitute. They make fake "veggie meat" for everything else that tastes okay... but the pepperoni always tastes like a crime against nature, and never crisps up properly on a pizza.

    • Married... Speaking of crimes against nature... first the most beautiful woman on earth gets married, now the second most beautiful woman on earth has gotten married too. Bollywood actress hottie Aishwarya Rai joins the massive list of "Women Dave Lusts Over That Got Married So They Have An Excuse Not To Date Him If They Ever Found Out He Even Exists." What can I say, my life is tragedy...

    Aishwarya Rai

    • Discovery... One of the most fascinating television series ever to air on television is Discovery Chanel's Planet Earth. Astoundingly beautiful and thought-provoking in every way, it is essential viewing for all of humanity so we can better understand what a truly remarkable planet we live on. I started watching the show when it began back in March, and today they are airing the final two episodes. I haven't been motivated to get an HD-DVD or Blu-Ray player, but the hi-def release of this series has motivated me to finally start looking into buying one. The brilliant footage they got for the show deserves to be displayed with the best possible picture quality...

    Planet Earth

    • DaveToon... Whenever I think of the earth, I remember a DaveToon I drew a year ago that explains quite a lot about why I am the way I am. Even on Earth Day, I'm an egotistical, self-centered bastard...

    Dave Universe
    Yes, the world really does revolve around me.

    • Saturday Night... "Sunday is Earth Day. Suck it, Neptune!" — Amy Pohler, SNL.

    And that's a wrap. This is going to be an interesting week here at Blogography...

    Categories: Bullet Sunday 2007Click To It: Permalink  26 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Blogiversary IV… DAY ONE!

    Posted on Monday, April 23rd, 2007

    Dave!Well take a look at what we have here... it's my four-year blogiversary!

    And if you had told me back at the beginning that I'd still be writing in Blogography... daily, no less... four years hence, I'd have thought you were insane (and then probably killed you because that kind of crazy just shouldn't be wandering the streets). After all, I had two failed blogs under my belt from the previous three years, and there was no indication that Blogography was going to be any different. The only change was that if Blogography didn't work out, it was going to be three strikes and I was done.

    But here I am, still writing my daily dose of incomprehensible crap.

    Year One was a mess, filled mostly with memes and boring stuff that I should have deleted long ago. Year Two was when I finally got my shit together and my blog was everything I wanted it to be... "the golden years," if you will. Year Three was the hardest, with too many bumps in the road and crazy crap that had me contemplating shutting Blogography down. And here we are at Year Four, and the blogging habit is such a big part of my life that I can't see an end to it. So it must be time to celebrate...

    Blogography Blogiversary IV

    Yes indeed, this time the shit is very personal, as you will find out during this week-long party that has been five months in the making. Just like previous years, there will be hundreds of dollars worth of prizes to win and good times along the way, but there are going to be some changes as well...

    • Each of the four prize days will symbolize one year of Blogography, and I'll be writing up a summary of each year along with some choice links for exploring my blogging past.
    • Just like last year, to be eligible for the Grand Prize drawing you'll have to correctly answer some trivia questions, but this time the answers will be in the summary links, so you won't have to spend hours searching... this is supposed to be fun, not work!
    • I have re-worked the prizes to be more "foreign friendly." Readers outside the USA now comprise half my regular readership, and last year there were people who didn't enter because shipping charges to foreign addresses was not included and the cost was prohibitive. That's not the case this year, and I've done my best to make sure everybody can play.
    • With that in mind, the prizes this year mean a great deal to me because they're mine.
    • The week culminates with the official grand re-opening of the Artificial Duck Store... and this time it's a real store with a proper shopping cart, inventory status, and such. Hopefully this will eliminate (or greatly reduce) the number of orders which cannot be filled because of out-of-stock merchandise. And that's a good thing, because there will be a lot more of it!

    The schedule of events looks something like this...

    Blogography Blogiversary IV

    Oh yeah. You might want to tune in every day, because it will undoubtedly be worth your while. :-)

       

    Blogiversary IV: DAY TWO

    Posted on Tuesday, April 24th, 2007

    Dave!UPDATE: THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED! NO ADDITIONAL ENTRIES ARE BEING ACCEPTED!

    Every year I release a new T-shirt to celebrate my blogiversary. First there was the classic Blogography Logo T, then came the Bad Monkey T, and lastly was the infamous Zombies Ate My Brain T (chosen by YOU, my loyal Blogography readers in last year's contest). Well, this year I came up with 32 different design ideas, and couldn't make up my mind which one to print. So I went to dinner with a group of friends, and we managed to narrow it down to a mere 7.

    Since everybody did such a great job of picking a design last year, I'm going to put it up for a vote again this year.

    And, to make it worth your while, everybody who votes will be getting a coupon for $10 OFF any Artificial Duck Co. Store T-Shirt purchase!

    Dave Ten Dollar

    That means you can pick up a classic white shirt for just $5 (+ shipping)... or one of the new color shirts for just $7 (+shipping)*. And these ain't no crappy iron-on designs... no way! Each shirt is custom silk-screened on premium quality 100% cotton shirts for the ultimate in comfort and durability!

    And, just because I love you, FIVE VOTERS will be put in a drawing to get a shirt ABSOLUTELY FREE... all you pay is the shipping charges!

    It's almost too good to be true! So how do you vote? It's easy!

    1. Take a look at each design below and decide which TWO shirts you like best.
    2. Send an email to CONTEST EXPIRED! with your TWO votes... be sure to use a valid email address to send your vote so you can get your coupon!
    3. But HURRY... your vote must be received by Saturday, April 28th at 9:00pm P.S.T. (Seattle time).

    And here's this year's choices... you're voting for the TWO designs you like best...

    Bad Monkey
    VOTE: Bad Monkey (on yellow)

    Dave Pope
    VOTE: Dave Pope (on teal)

    Toxic Yawn
    VOTE: Toxic Yawn (on green)

    Smoking Monkeys
    VOTE: Smoking Monkeys (on blue)

    Try Evil
    VOTE: Try Evil (on black)

    Little Geeky
    VOTE: Little Geeky (on olive)

    Blogography
    VOTE: Blogography (on slate)

    Please be sure to follow the rules listed above to vote, and may the best design win!

    10 BLOGOGRAPHY MOMENTS IN HISTORY, YEAR ONE: 04/03-03/04
       
    Dave writes his very first snarky rant about 6 extra grams of fat on some daft bitch's lazy ass.
    Dave first declares his love for Elizabeth Hurley.
    Dave writes his first travel-blog on a trip to Iceland and Stockholm.
    Dave rips apart a totally incompetent review of Kill Bill by James Berardinelli at "ReelViews."
    Dave writes about a trip to New Orleans, pre-Katrina... one of his favorite cities.
    Dave draws his very first DaveToon, featuring the first appearance of Bad Monkey on Blogography.
    Dave writes that infamous entry about hating clowns which spawns his first hate-mail avalanche.
    Dave writes about lame internet quizzes, and then makes up his own lame internet quiz ideas.
    Dave finally writes about something personal, which turns out to be a fairly rare event.
    Dave draws a DaveToon about brushing his teeth, which is still one of Blogography most popular links.

    *PLEASE NOTE: Shirts will be printed in early June once all the pre-orders have been taken through the month of May. The prices listed above are for sizes S-XL. Larger sizes are available for an extra charge: 2XL is $1.00 extra, 3XL is $2.00 extra. Sizes bigger than 2X are not available in colors, but I'll be happy to print any design on a white shirt: 4XL is $3.00 extra, 5XL is $4.00 extra, 6XL is $5.00 extra.

       

    Blogiversary IV: DAY THREE

    Posted on Wednesday, April 25th, 2007

    Dave!UPDATE: THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED! NO ADDITIONAL ENTRIES ARE BEING ACCEPTED!

    Everybody loves little 1-inch button pins! Especially when they have really cool stuff on them. I originally invested in pricey professional button-making equipment for a charity fundraising event. Eventually it occurred to me that it might be cool to make buttons for my blog and pass them out at blogger meet-ups and stuff. When TequilaCon came around, I took some Blogography pins, some custom pins for bloggers I knew, and a big bag of 60 "generic" designs so everybody else could have pins to trade. By the end of the night all my pins were gone, and everybody seemed to have fun with them.

    So I decided to add pins to the Artificial Duck Store for sale in ready-to-buy sets or pick-and-choose sets that customers can assemble themselves. There will also be the option for bloggers to send in their own artwork and have custom pins made. It's button fun for everyone, and I call them DuckyButtons...

    Dave Buttons!

    In celebration of this new addition to the store, today's contest will feature button prizes...

    TODAY'S $150+ GRAND PRIZE DRAWING...
       
    B3 Shirt$50 Amazon Gift Certificate ($50 value). Rather than shipping heavy books, region-specific DVDs, or CDs that get ripped and tossed in a landfill, I've decided to pass out Amazon Gift Certificates. This means prize-winners can get whatever they like and, since Amazon is available in several countries around the globe, it's a prize most everybody can enjoy (even if the US dollar doesn't buy as much as it used to).
       
    B3 ShirtSix Sets of DuckyButtons ($24 value). Pick any six sets you like, or create your own 5-button sets. DuckyButtons are sure to bring a smile to your face... or to anybody else's you meet when you wear them. And since you're getting 30 buttons, that's a month's worth of sweet wearable art to wear and share!
       
    B3 ShirtTwenty-Five Custom-Made DuckyButtons with Your Design ($25 value). Email us any one design or photo you like, and we'll turn it into 25 beautiful custom buttons of your very own! Use them to promote your blog, impress your friends, or distribute wearable pictures of your cat... so long as it isn't copyrighted, we'll make buttons from whatever you want!
       
    B3 ShirtThree Artificial Duck T-Shirts ($51 value). Yep, that's right, get any three shirts you like from the Artificial Duck Store... keep them for yourself, or give them out as gifts that will impress those lucky people you deem worthy of wearing them!
       
    B3 ShirtWorld-Wide Shipping (up to $35 value). No matter where you live on planet earth, rest assured you won't have to pay a dime to claim your prize because shipping is included.

    And that's not all, today you also have two other chances to win...

    TODAY'S $40+ RUNNER-UP PRIZE DRAWING (TWO WINNERS!)...
       
    Two Sets of DuckyButtons ($8 value). Your choice of two sets of super-sweet DuckyButtons in whatever designs you like... that's ten buttons to wear and share!
       
    Fifteen Custom-Made DuckyButtons with Your Design ($15 value). Email us any one design or photo you like, and we'll turn it into 15 beautiful custom buttons of your very own!
       
    One Artificial Duck T-Shirts ($17 value). Pick any shirt you like from the Artificial Duck Store, and be happy knowing that you'll be wearing a T-shirt that makes you at least 10% hotter the minute you put it on!
       
    World-Wide Shipping (up to $12 value). Of course shipping is included, because that's the way I roll here.

    AND NOW FOR THE RULES...

  • If you have left 10 comments at Blogography for year-ending 25 April, 2007... all you have to do is send an email to CONTEST EXPIRED! and you're done!
  • If you don't have 10 comments, you have to include answers to your choice of FOUR of the five questions listed below in order to qualify (sorry, but I'm trying to give a break to those who are regular contributors to Blogography).
  • HURRY! Your entry MUST be received by TOMORROW: THURSDAY, APRIL 26th AT 9:00PM P.S.T. (Seattle time).
  • Winners will be revealed on Sunday, April 29th.
  • Okay then, if you didn't leave 10 comments in the past year, PICK FOUR of the five questions below, and be sure to include the answers in your email entry to CONTEST EXPIRED! All the answers can be found in the Blogography History links listed below or by using the "Search Box" in my sidebar...

    • How many photos did I take when I visited Bryce Canyon in Utah?
    • Where was I born?
    • In which city did I enjoy the best shower I've ever had?
    • In which city's Hard Rock Cafe did I visit my 100th Hard Rock property?
    • On which musician's "floor" was my room when I stayed at the Hard Rock Hotel Chicago in November, 2004?

    Remember, the entry deadline is TOMORROW at 9:00pm P.S.T. (Seattle time)! Good luck!

    10 BLOGOGRAPHY MOMENTS IN HISTORY, YEAR TWO: 04/04-03/05
       
    Dave writes his most Googled blog entry ever.
    Dave lives here.
    Dave takes really cool photos from the air.
    Dave takes even cooler photos right here on earth.
    Dave flies to Dublin, Ireland so he can look at a book that's being made into a killer animated feature.
    Dave talks about his childhood, and shares a photo that Google-searching pedophiles will probably enjoy.
    Dave goes looking for Robin Hood, but gets cake instead.
    Dave live-blogs for the first time under less than ideal circumstances.
    Dave blogs a "Day in the Life" entry, and swears never to do it again because it's just too much work.
    Dave picks three guys he might go totally gay for.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  34 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Blogiversary IV: DAY FOUR

    Posted on Thursday, April 26th, 2007

    Dave!UPDATE: THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED! NO ADDITIONAL ENTRIES ARE BEING ACCEPTED!

    Looks like there is going to be a slight change of plans for Blogiversary IV Week.

    Turns out that the T-shirt voting from the first contest has taken an interesting turn. One design has pulled way, way, way out ahead of the pack (for those of you who were wanting the "A Little Geeky" shirt printed, it looks like you're going to get your wish). The problem is picking a shirt for the #2 spot, because there are three shirts all within 5 votes of each other. This leaves me with a dilemma because with no clear runner-up winner, it's difficult to know which one should be printed...

    So I've decided to move tomorrows prizes to today, and change the final prize to be more T-shirts. By putting more money into shirts, I might get quantities that will allow me to add an additional design or two. As an added benefit, this means more people will win prizes. So I think it's a good solution all around. Anyway, back to tomorrow's today's prizes...

    Little Geeky Wins

    On occasion I receive emails asking me if any of my photos or DaveToons or drawings are available for sale as prints. I suppose I could have printed out stuff on my inkjet and sold it to them, but this seemed like a cheap rip-off to me. So I started searching for a way to have my stuff professionally printed with impeccable quality, yet be of reasonable cost. After a few months of research and buying test-prints, I finally found a solution...

    Dave Prints

    When the Artificial Duck Store reopens, I'll be selling a limited selection of quality Giclée Pro-Prints on a choice of fine art papers or premium photo satin matte. The brilliant inks used are pigment-based which ensures a long print life and quality reproduction. They really are quite nice, and look great when framed.

    I'll start with a few of my favorite photos, some DaveToons that have been optimized specifically for print, and add a couple of limited edition items. If people actually end up buying them, I'll be adding new prints from time to time.

    In celebration of this new addition to the store, today's contest will feature photo and print prizes...

    TODAY'S $225+ GRAND PRIZE DRAWING...
       
    B3 ShirtPolaroid A515 Digital Camera ($80 value). This digital camera may be pretty cheap-ass, but it does have 5 megapixels, 4X zoom, 16MB built-in storage, and a 1.7" LCD screen. That's good enough to snap a few photos of your kid, your dog, or whatever... which will come in handy when the next prize arrives...
       
    B3 ShirtA Flickr Pro Account Gift Membership ($25 value). Organize your photos online, then show them to the world with this one-year gift membership to Flickr. If you already have a Flickr account, this will extend your membership by a year.
       
    B3 ShirtTwo Giclée Pro-Prints from the Artificial Duck Store ($70 value). Decorate your life with a couple of classy prints designed by yours truly. These prints are both beautiful and versatile... Embellish your living room with a great photo. Put a DaveToon in your baby's room. Or even use your prints as a really expensive liner for your cat's litter box.
       
    B3 ShirtThree Artificial Duck T-Shirts ($51 value). Yep, that's right, get any three shirts you like from the Artificial Duck Store... keep them for yourself, or give them out as gifts that will impress those lucky people you deem worthy of wearing them!
       
    B3 ShirtWorld-Wide Shipping (up to $35 value). No matter where you live on planet earth, rest assured you won't have to pay a dime to claim your prize because shipping is included.

    And that's not all, today you also have two other chances to win...

    TODAY'S $52+ RUNNER-UP PRIZE DRAWING (TWO WINNERS!)...
       
    One Giclée Pro-Print from the Artificial Duck Store ($35 value).
       
    One Artificial Duck T-Shirts ($17 value). Pick any shirt you like from the Artificial Duck Store, and be happy knowing that you'll be wearing a T-shirt that makes you at least 10% hotter the minute you put it on!
       
    World-Wide Shipping (up to $12 value). Of course shipping is included, because that's the way I roll here.

    AND NOW FOR THE RULES...

  • If you have left 10 comments at Blogography for year-ending 25 April, 2007... all you have to do is send an email to CONTEST EXPIRED! and you're done!
  • If you don't have 10 comments, you have to include answers to your choice of FOUR of the five questions listed below in order to qualify (sorry, but I'm trying to give a break to those who are regular contributors to Blogography).
  • HURRY! Your entry MUST be received by TOMORROW: FRIDAY, APRIL 27th AT 9:00PM P.S.T. (Seattle time).
  • Winners will be revealed on Sunday, April 29th.
  • Okay then, if you didn't leave 10 comments in the past year, PICK FOUR of the five questions below, and be sure to include the answers in your email entry to CONTEST EXPIRED! All the answers can be found in the Blogography History links listed below or by using the "Search Box" in my sidebar...

    • When I become Pope, what famous Vatican landmark will I convert into my bedroom?
    • On my Blogography Dollar Index graph, which year from 2001-2005 was the US dollar at its highest value?
    • Name one of the three famous people I look like when I'm transformed into a Dead Hooker Baby.
    • In my super-sweet Collectible Card Game, what is Dave-Devil's Attack Power?
    • How did I die on my 40th birthday (it's on my tombstone!)?

    Remember, the entry deadline is TOMORROW at 9:00pm P.S.T. (Seattle time)! Good luck!

    10 BLOGOGRAPHY MOMENTS IN HISTORY, YEAR THREE: 04/05-03/06
       
    Dave makes his first (but certainly not last) bid to become Pope... and then contemplates his Papal super-powers.
    Dave gets a lot of hate-mail for this one... I guess comparing the US dollar to toilet paper is a bad thing.
    Dave learns how to peel a banana from a monkey.
    Dave creates DaveLand, the Daviest Place on Earth!
    Dave finally gets all political and shit.
    Dave still gets emails from crazy bitches over Dead Hooker Babies.
    Dave creates the entire universe (with the assistance of His Divine Monkey).
    Dave is tired of lame Collectible Card Games, and decides to create his own CCG.
    Dave fulfills his life-long dream to walk upon the Great Wall of China.
    Dave celebrates his 40th birthday... then dies and comes back to life as a zombie.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  48 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Blogiversary IV… DAY FIVE!

    Posted on Friday, April 27th, 2007

    Dave!UPDATE: THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED! NO ADDITIONAL ENTRIES ARE BEING ACCEPTED!

    As I mentioned yesterday, votes for the second shirt design to be printed are really, really close (and if you haven't voted yet, you can still get your choices sent in by clicking here). With no clear victory for second place, I've decided to change this last day of prize drawings, and put the money into more shirt prizes. That way, I can get the order quantities high enough that I can print and extra design or two.

    So, in addition to the 5 FREE shirts I have for the T-shirt vote drawing, I'm adding another 25 FREE shirts for everybody who enters today's contest (all you have to do is pay the shipping costs!). That's 30 freebies total being given away for Blogiversary IV...

    Free Shirts!

    That's like uhhhhhh... $510 in shirts or something. This brings the total prizes for this year's blogiversary to over $1000, which is pretty sweet!

    $1000, Bitches!

    AND NOW FOR THE RULES...

  • If you have left 10 comments at Blogography for year-ending 25 April, 2007... all you have to do is send an email to CONTEST EXPIRED! and you're done!
  • If you don't have 10 comments, you now have to include correct answers to ALL SEVEN of the seven questions listed below in order to qualify (oooh! it's getting harder for you non-commenters!).
  • HURRY! Your entry MUST be received by TOMORROW: SATURDAY, APRIL 28th AT 9:00PM P.S.T. (Seattle time).
  • Winners will be revealed on Sunday, April 29th.
  • Okay then, if you didn't leave 10 comments in the past year, this time you have to answer ALL SEVEN of the questions below, and be sure to include the answers in your email entry to CONTEST EXPIRED! All the answers can be found in the Blogography History links listed below or by using the "Search Box" in my sidebar...

    1. What items might possibly shoot out of my ass as a result of PayPal being a giant scam?
    2. Who is the total whack-job that's a perfect 10 on my "Are You Insane?" diagnosis chart?
    3. Which super-hero did I become for Halloween one year?
    4. What will be located in the head of the gigantic statue monument I want to dedicate to myself?
    5. What color lightsabers do the monkeys attack me with in that dream I keep having?
    6. Which blogger did I run into, quite by surprise, at the Giant Glass Cube Apple Store?
    7. When the gays invaded Chicago, what did I imagine they would be armed with?

    Remember, the entry deadline is TOMORROW at 9:00pm P.S.T. (Seattle time)! Good luck!

    10 BLOGOGRAPHY MOMENTS IN HISTORY, YEAR FOUR: 04/06-03/07
       
    Dave discovers that PayPal sucks total ass because they stole his f#@%ing money!
    Dave reviews the most magical breakfast food ever: Hello Kitty Pop-Tarts!
    Dave creates his now-infamous alternatives for a hospital's lame "Pain Chart".
    Dave decides to write a line of books for dumbasses.
    Dave reveals his cross-dressing past.
    Dave decides to build a monument to his greatness.
    Dave has a dream.
    Dave writes that entry about bluetooth headsets that gets him a lot of hate-mail.
    Dave meets bloggers Eve and Dave3, then gets a shocking surprise on the streets of New York City.
    Dave finds out that the gays have invaded Chicago.

       

    Blogiversary IV: INTERLUDE!

    Posted on Saturday, April 28th, 2007

    Dave!Tonight the last of the Blogiversary IV contests are ending, so tomorrow I can take all the entries to somebody not affiliated with Blogography and have them draw the winners. That will bring the week-long celebration to a close, and I can move on to another year of big blogging fun.

    In the meanwhile, I am still trying to get the Artificial Duck Co. store ready for its grand re-opening on Monday afternoon. It's been a long-time coming, and a really difficult road to get here. I thought the hardships were over once I moved to Yahoo! Merchant Solutions, but it turns out my problems are just beginning.

    One of the major reasons I decided to go with Yahoo! was that they had inventory control. This was really important to me, because I didn't want people to order something that was out-of-stock and be disappointed when I had to tell them they wouldn't be getting it. With inventory control, I would finally have a way to let people know if they could order an item or not. I would use Yahoo! tags to access the inventory status of an item/size, then use the yes/no result to display a graphic to let people know if they could order a particular size...

    Duckavailability-1

    Except Yahoo! doesn't allow you to do that with their "store tags." In order for a customer to know whether or not something is in-stock, they have to add it to their cart. If it ends up in your cart, congratulations, you can order it! Otherwise you get this ugly stupid-ass error message...

    Yahooavailability

    What the fuck?!?

    What sense does it make to have inventory control if you can't tell your customers what the inventory level is BEFORE they add something to their cart? This is pretty stupid, and basically cuts the usefulness of this feature in half.

    So now I'm going to have to MANUALLY adjust the inventory indicators every time something changes, which sucks ass. Heaven forbid that I actually go on vacation or something.

    Why is it that somebody can't build a reasonably-priced merchant solution for small businesses that doesn't suck? Is it really so incredibly difficult? I can only hope that Google jumps into the game and fixes this shit like they seem to be doing with everything else.

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  24 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

    Bullet Sunday 28

    Posted on Sunday, April 29th, 2007

    Dave!It's a very special Blogiversary IV edition of Bullet Sunday!

    Come back and read this after you skip down to see if you've won anything... I'll be waiting.

    Did you win? If you did, many congratulations! If you didn't, I'm sorry about that, and maybe you'll win one of the other events I've got planned for later in the year. And, just in case you're curious as to how the winners were chosen... I had nothing to do with it. I instead enlisted a friend who has no idea who the people were who entered (and doesn't even bother to read my blog in the first place). That way, the drawing is fair and impartial, and that's the only way to really run a contest. Here's how it went...

    1. I printed out a listing of all the emails addressed to each contest, cut them into strips, and placed the names in a plastic bag after counting to make sure everybody who entered was accounted for.
    2. The bags of names were taken to my friend, and I left to buy gas for my car. While I was gone, each bag of names were carefully dumped into a CD spindle cover, and the appropriate number of names were drawn. Each name was taped to a sheet of paper, in order, so I would know who won what.
    3. I went back to my friend's house to collect the winners.
    4. For the free T-shirt drawing, I wanted to maximize the number of winners, so one of the duplicates between Day 2 and Day 5 was removed and a new name was drawn.
    5. For the two major contest drawings, duplicates were allowed. This explains how Avitable (of all people) was able to win both a free shirt and a runner-up prize.
    6. I had lunch with my friend, then ran back home so I could post the winning names in this entry.
    7. After I'm done with this post, I'll be emailing the winners to give them the news.
    8. Tah-daaaaah! We're done!

    Duckopen

    Here are the winners for this year...

    • FIVE FREE SHIRTS... The five winners for voting on the shirts I'll be printing for this year's run are...

    1. Ladypuppy
    2. The Florida Librarian
    3. LeSombre
    4. Carlos H.
    5. Tracy Lynn
    Everybody else who voted will be getting a $10 certificate towards any shirt at the Artificial Duck Co. store when it goes online tomorrow afternoon.

    • TWENTY-FIVE FREE SHIRTS... The twenty-five winners for entering ShirtFest on Thursday are...

    1. Stephanie P.
    2. Tori S.
    3. Beth (F.H.)
    4. Ms. Sizzle
    5. The Chad
    6. Jill & Mittsy
    7. Harmonica Man (J.L.)
    8. Birdcolor
    9. Laurence
    10. Jacki D.
    11. Kilax
    12. Wade L.
    13. Avitable
    14. Kazza
    15. Delmer
    16. Jason W.
    17. Geeky Tai Tai
    18. Lynne S.
    19. Jespar S.
    20. Baak
    21. Frances Danger
    22. Peter R.
    23. Rick L.
    24. Dave H.
    25. Silvertongue

    • BUTTON CONTEST... Here are the winners for the Buttons Contest from Wednesday...
    Grand Prize Winner: Cynical Dad
    Runner-Up Prize Winner: ~jtm
    Runner-Up Prize Winner: Kyle Ice

    • PRINTS CONTEST... Here are the winners for the Prints Contest from Thursday...
    Grand Prize Winner: Cavan T.
    Runner-Up Prize Winner: Avitable
    Runner-Up Prize Winner: Sven P.

    And that concludes Blogography's Blogiversary IV Celebration! Congratulations again to all the winners, and my most heart-felt thanks to all of you who keep reading Blogography... I wouldn't be doing this without you!

    Dave2

       

    Opening

    Posted on Monday, April 30th, 2007

    Dave!UPDATE: Well, crap. I turned on the store, everything looked great, but the first three orders couldn't process because of some kind of communication problem with my bank for verification of funds. Bleh. Everything will be just fine soon... very soon...

    In what can only be described as a miracle, the Artificial Duck Co. store is on-schedule for its grand opening tonight tomorrow.

    Probably pretty late tonight around noon tomorrow, as there are still some things that need to be tested.

    Getting to this point wasn't easy... I had no idea that setting up a "real" store for myself would be so hard. I've done it dozens of times for other people but, when it comes to making a store of your own, there's an unimaginable amount of work that has to happen. Honestly, it's too much work for something that's supposed to be just a hobby, but oh well. Soon it will all be over.

    The best part of setting up shop has been designing various features I want the store to have. Some things aren't working quite right on Internet Explorer (surprise, surprise), but the "Build-A-DuckyButton-Set" page seems to be working just fine. Creating the "About Us Page" was also loads of fun (assuming I don't get sued by Paramount!).

    By far the worst part of setting up shop has been the shipping charges. The US Postal Service is changing rates and eliminating services on May 14th, and so all of that has to be accounted for (since none of my orders will be shipping until early June). Shipping is always a tricky beast, because I want very much for what I charge to be accurate so I'm not ripping people off. I hate ordering a T-shirt on the internet and having shipping charges be $12 when I know the company is only going to pay $5. Rip-off! The problem is that if you goof up and accidentally charge too little, you stand to lose a horrendous amount of money very quickly. And it doesn't help that Yahoo!'s rate charts can't be calculated by shipping zone, which is kind of stupid because that's how all the carriers set their rates.

    But other than the shipping rates and the aforementioned lack of inventory display, Yahoo! hasn't been that bad to work with. I don't know if I will be able to afford to stay with them because their rates are so incredibly high, but I'll wait it out a few months before deciding what to do about that. It sure would be nice if Yahoo! would just take a straight percentage though. Rather than the $100/month + 1% I'm paying now, it would be a lot better for me if they just took 3% or even 5% so I wouldn't be hit so hard on months where I'm not selling much. I didn't build my store to make money, but it would be nice not to lose money.

    Anyway, it's been an adventure. Check in tomorrow when everything should be up-and-runnning (crossing my fingers) at Artificial Duck Co.!

    Categories: Blogging 2007Click To It: Permalink  28 Comments: Click To Add Yours!  

       

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