Posted on Monday, May 1st, 2006
Sorry about posting so late today, but it's Pauly's fault.
This morning I received a copy of his new book The Lost Blogs: From Jesus to Jim Morrison and, just like when James' new book arrived, I simply could not put it down. I started reading when I picked it up from the post office, then continued to read it at every opportunity throughout the day until I finished it just a few minutes ago. The first thing I'm going to do after writing this entry is eat something, because I skipped lunch and breaks so that I could get through more pages. Now I'm starving, and that's Pauly's fault too.
The Lost Blogs is a compilation of various "lost" blog entries from famous people throughout history. Some of them I expected to be included (George Washington, Einstein, Shakespeare, Da Vinci, etc.), but others were complete surprises. There's 175 to choose from and, as if the variety wasn't enough, each entry is totally unique in voice and style. Taken as a whole, it is a brilliant concept that has been flawlessly executed. I totally love it...
I cannot recommend The Lost Blogs highly enough. Each entry is like a potato chip, and you won't want to stop eating until you've finished the entire bag. Even then, you'll be licking the crumbs from the bottom, because now I have to go back and re-read a bunch of entries. Some of them because they were so funny I want to read them again... others because I have work to do (like translating the Samuel Morse entry from Morse Code!).
Do yourself a favor and go visit The Lost Blogs site right now. There you can learn all about the book, read some sample entries, and order yourself a copy. Whether you write a blog or just enjoy reading them, it's a must-have.
So congratulations Pauly! You can now add the great Blogography Seal of Approval to your book... far more exclusive and valuable than Oprah's stupid book club!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to have a cheese sandwich and a couple Hello Kitty Pop-Tarts before I pass out. I wouldn't want to have to blame Pauly for that too.
Posted on Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006
I am most assuredly jealous.
So I've decided to write a book.
At first I was going to write an autobiography. I am a fascinating guy with a fascinating life who has a story that simply must be told. But a book about my life would be at least 1600 pages and take years to write (and that's just Volume One!). I want something simple. Something desperately missing from society that I can easily construct. Something I can release quickly for the benefit of all mankind.
So here I am this morning, deleting a particularly vicious piece of hate-mail from my inbox, when it hits me. Everybody has heard of Dummies Books. But what about people who are stupider than dummies? Where are the books for them? There is a huge segment of the population with no book to tell them what to do... such as the moron who sent me the hate-mail for example. Where's his book? A Dummies Book would be way over his head, so I guess there isn't one.
At least until now...
Yes! When Dummies Books are just too smart, it's time for DUMBASSES BOOKS!
I can use my vast intellect to educate total dumbasses by using small words and lots and lots of pictures! Finally there will be guides for every day situations that some people are just too damn stupid to understand... like not driving in the passing lane and how to mind your bratty kids when taking them out in public...
And what about all the dumbass politicians out there? They probably need these books more than anybody. Just look at how badly they keep f#@%ing up everything. That's why I'll be writing Dumbasses Books just for them! So now when your senator approves a bill that slashes health care so he can afford to vote himself a raise, there will be a book you can send so that he understands this makes him a complete tool. Dumbass books for dumbass politicians. A brilliant concept if there ever was one...
The possibilities are endless. I can think of hundreds of Dumbasses Books that are needed immediately, and I'm sure there are hundreds more that I haven't even thought of yet.
Sweet! These totally have "New York Times Best Seller" written all over them.
Posted on Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006
Posted on Thursday, May 4th, 2006
First of all... praise be to The Force.
I'm the type of person who becomes easily addicted to foods. Last week I was addicted to fried egg sandwiches. I had one every single day for dinner until I ran out of eggs on day 6. Right now I'm going through a kind of Pop-Tart renaissance, whereas I am consuming them for breakfast and lunch each day.
Several weeks ago, my food addiction of choice was cheese and potato pierogies. It was so bad that I was going through a box of Mrs. T's Pierogies every single day, which got kind of expensive. So when the Schwan's Man dropped by and offered up a huge bag of pierogies for a bargain price, I went ahead and took him up on the deal.
Unfortunately, they sucked ass. Schwan's Pierogies were nothing like Mrs. T's Pierogies... even though they look the exact same. Heartbroken, I shoved the bad bag to the back of the freezer and forgot about them.
Until last night when I was having trouble finding something to eat. In digging through the freezer, I ran across that bag of pierogies and decided "what the heck, it's all I got". But then as I was tossing them on a cookie sheet for baking (which is how I usually cook them), I accidentally read the recommended cooking instructions. Turns out you are supposed to boil them, then saute them in butter. So I did.
Freakin' amazing. Is there ANYTHING that doesn't taste better with a stick of butter on top??
So now I'm addicted to Schwan's Pierogies, and am terrified that I'm going to run out before the Schwan's Man drops by again. I sure hope it's soon, because I'm also out of banana popsicles...
Nothing like a banana-pop to make your day a little better.
Posted on Friday, May 5th, 2006
Happy Cinco de Mayo everybody!
It's strange sitting here and typing that when I know full well I won't be celebrating the holiday tonight. Years ago when I was young, stupid and looking for any excuse to party, Cinco de Mayo was a pretty big event. Huge even. In fact, after having turned 21, it was probably the biggest holiday of the year for me. There's nothing quite like going to a Mexican restaurant with a bunch of friends and getting completely wasted on Margaritas and tequila shots. I have many fond memories (and even more blurry half-memories) of Cinco de Mayo during "The Stupid Years" (my favorite being a party in Maui after having just received my PADI scuba diving certification).
But, alas, to do something insane like that today would end up with me in the hospital or dead (which would come in handy for Dia de Los Muertos in November).
So what am I doing this year? I'm staying home so I can wash my laundry and work.
It's going to be the best Cinco de Mayo ever.
Posted on Saturday, May 6th, 2006
As May gets into full-swing, it's time for all my favorite shows to have their season finales. My not-so-favorite shows are having their season finales as well. In fact, shows that I loathe and don't even watch seem to be having their season finales too, so I guess it must be everybody.
And speaking of shows I don't watch... I was bored and looking for background noise while working last night only to discover that there was nothing on. Finally I settled on the Jennifer Love Hewitt vehicle (and Medium imitator) The Ghost Whisperer. I've only seen this show a handful of times and thought that it was okay, but J-Love's unfortunate hair and forced emoting kept me from tuning in on a regular basis...
On the left is what the promotional poster for Ghost Whisperer promises... on the right is the freakish hair-do you actually get. Sure she's still smokin' from the neck down, but WTF?!? I'm sure that hair looks good on somebody, but it ain't her.
Anyway, I had intended for the show to be background noise, but I kept getting more and more involved in it. At the half-hour mark I had stopped working entirely, and was totally absorbed. Just like Medium, the writing is pretty inventive, which I like.
And then the end of the show came along and knocked me on my ass.
Seriously, I was amazed. I'm finding it difficult to imagine how even my most favorite shows are going to top this one. I mean, Veronica Mars has a good shot (and I hear that How I Met Your Mother is supposed to be kind of surprising)... but wow.
I guess I'm going to have to make room in my schedule for Ghost Whisperer next season. That's a shame, because I watch entirely too much television as it is.
Posted on Sunday, May 7th, 2006
It's 11:00am and I haven't gotten out of bed yet. Well, I did get up to go to the bathroom, but that was only because I had to. I simply must invest in adult diapers for Sunday mornings (and to think I was embarrassed to buy toilet paper).
Last night my trusty photo scanner broke. It was old and slow, so I suppose I should be okay with the situation... but it was a bummer to have to spend all morning trying to decide on a new one. I think I have it narrowed down to a cheap-ass Epson, because I couldn't find what I really want, which is a tabloid (11" X 17") scanner.
The entire ordeal started when I went to sort through my photo negatives so I can get another batched scanned by DigMyPics. Eventually I realized that a large number of film negatives are missing. This means that a huge chunk of my life exists only on paper photos that are going to fade and fall apart. This is not okay.
If the pictures are gone, how can I see what I looked like 20 years ago at Expo 86?
Or remember how beautiful a Maui beach is at sunset back when it wasn't jammed with people?
Sure photo scans are not as good as having the film negatives scanned directly, but I guess I have the memories to go with them, so it's better than nothing. I wish I could go back in time and hand myself a digital camera.
Okay, time to eat a Pop-Tart for breakfast...
Posted on Monday, May 8th, 2006
Whenever I write about some of the freakier Blogography emails I get here, I'm assured of some blogger leaving a comment that says something like this: "at least people pay attention to what you say... I'd kill to get hate mail or ANY mail out of my blog". I then chuckle softly to myself knowing that they would feel quite differently if they actually had to put up with some of the crap I get.
As an example...
In an entry for last year, I had mentioned a "sex switch" (as in GENDER, you perv!) Halloween party from years ago where I dressed up as Wonder Woman. It was big fun and I put a lot of work into getting the costume right. In the comments I had mentioned that I didn't have any pictures of it, but feared that a friend might have taken photos and would post them on the internet some day. Shortly after that, a friend who reads my blog DID manage to track down a drunken pic of Wonder-Dave and emailed it to me. I got a laugh out of it, then filed it away so there will be something interesting to show at my funeral.
But then I get an email from some guy on Friday who said he was trying to build a Wonder Woman costume and wanted to know if I ever found pictures, because he'd like to see how I managed it. I wrote back and said that while I did have a photo, I'm afraid I won't be sending it, because it's personal and I don't want it posted to a pervy website or anything.
The next day I get a reply where he assures me that he won't share the pic, and he really would appreciate it if I could send it to him. I wrote back and politely declined, saying that I wouldn't give it to some of my closest friends, let alone somebody I've never met.
Saturday night I get yet another email. This time the tone is much different. He's hostile now, and wants to know why I won't trust him. Then, as if to encourage me, he attaches some pictures of himself in various costumes... some of which I cannot even begin to describe without inviting search engine hits I really don't want. Suffice to say that this guy likes to dress up as famous women, and looks really good as Cher.
I'm kind of scared now. There is no way I am sending the photo, and yet I really would like to diffuse the situation, so I draw up a cartoon for him and say "sorry, but this is the only photo I'll be sending"...
I didn't hear anything on Sunday, and thought that it was over.
I was wrong.
This morning I get this ranting email about how I am a judgmental prick. How I am a close-minded idiot who can't accept other people. Yadda yadda yadda. After reading it, I came to the conclusion that it takes a pretty big dumbass to think this of me just because I won't share a personal photo, and deleted it. I won't even bother to open anything else that arrives from him.
So yeah, I like getting comments and emails from my readers. Always have. But when things like this happen, I have to question my sanity in having a blog at all. The more things I write about and the larger my archives grow, the more search engines are going to set me up for freaky-ass search results. Then even more crap like this is going to happen.
I guess what I'm trying to say is be careful what you wish for, you might just get it.
On the up-side... doesn't cartoon Dave look FABULOUS dressed up as Wonder Woman?
Posted on Tuesday, May 9th, 2006
Tonight is the season finale for the best show on television: Veronica Mars. So many questions... so little time to wrap things up...
Speaking of wrapping things up... today and tomorrow are your last days to order Blogography T-shirts from the Artificial Duck Store and have them be printed on this month's run. If you were wanting a Bad Monkey or Zombie Dave shirt of your very own, now is the time to act. I only keep a few sizes and styles in-stock, and the next print run probably won't happen until August.
Time for a Coke with Lime caffeine fix to get me through the day...
Posted on Tuesday, May 9th, 2006
Um... yeah... what else is there to say about the season finale of Veronica Mars other than HOLY CRAP!!
I did not see that coming. But, just like last year, it all made perfect sense. I watched the episode twice in a row and am still reeling.
The funny thing is that as unbelievable as it all was... it's still perfectly plausible. And so deserving.
How badly do I want a third season now?
WARNING! There's no major spoilage in the comments yet... but I do not have time to edit them out of the comments today, so proceed at your own risk if you have not seen the show.
ALSO: The complete first season set for Veronica Mars is on sale over at Amazon for HALF OFF! Just $29.96 for some of the best television ever! For anybody not watching Veronica, go buy it or rent it now so you can be prepared when the second season set hits in August!
Posted on Wednesday, May 10th, 2006
I woke up extra early today so I could skip through my TiVo recordings of Veronica Mars in an attempt to figure out how the "big ending" could have come so seemingly out of nowhere. The answer was easy to see, even in the earliest episodes. This was not some random tacked-on hack of an ending... from all appearances, it was carefully planned. I am so very hopeful that there are commentary tracks on the second season DVD release, because having the writers talk about how all the pieces fit together would be sweet!
This morning I had an appointment. Where and why doesn't matter so much as the fact that I had to use their public bathroom while I was waiting. Apparently, to dampen the smell of poop and urine, they apply some kind of harsh orange solvent to every visible surface each morning.
Ordinarily, I like oranges. They are a beautiful, sunny-looking fruit that brings a smile to my face...
See? You're smiling right now, aren't you?
But the orange smell was so overwhelming in this bathroom that my nostrils were burning. I was truly worried about exposing my penis to the toxic air for fear of having it burn my privates. I can honestly say that it was the quickest I have ever peed. I was pushing so hard that I was running a risk of popping a blood vessel or something.
After I made a cursory effort to wash my hands and escape the Chamber of Death, I found somebody so I could ask what in the heck would possess them to create such a hostile environment in which to urinate. I further went on to inquire if they understood that chemical weapons had been outlawed by the Geneva Convention.
The woman laughed and apologized. She then explained that however bad the orange smell was, it had to be better than the smell that was originally there. Apparently somebody had an =ahem= accident. They shit
"Well, it certainly worked" I said... "I can't smell anything now".
"I wish I had that problem" she replied... "because everything smells like crap to me".
Sometimes the silver lining of a bad situation is really f#@%ed up.
Today is the last day to order Blogography T-shirts and have them be printed with this month's order. Get em' while you can!
Posted on Thursday, May 11th, 2006
Oh look! It's a trio of things that bug the crap out of me!
I love getting comments on my blog. I can only assume that other bloggers like getting comments too, so I try to leave them when I can. Unfortunately, given my time constraints, it isn't as often as I'd like. For every comment I leave, that's time I could have spent reading other blogs. On top of that, it seems that comments are getting more and more time consuming to write thanks to "captchas"...
Captchas are those goofy little code blocks you have to decipher in order to leave comments on so many blogs now-a-days. They are supposed to foil spammers, but they keep getting longer and more complicated, so they are foiling me too. It sucks, but whatcha gonna do? I'm thinking of initiating my own captcha system for Blogography comments. But I'm not settling for today's technology. I've developed my own Super-Captcha of The Future...
Oh yeah! Suck on that spammer bitches!
A pity captchas bug this crap out of me, because mine is sweet.
I don't really care for Hillary Clinton. Never have. Her politics and position on issues never seems to quite mesh with mine. I'm particularly against her censorship-driven stance against all forms of violence in media... from video games to television. It's not the job of society to babysit other people's kids. If I want to run around shooting fake people in my Xbox to keep me from going out and shooting real people with a gun, it's none of your f#@%ing business.
But then she goes and drafts a brilliant bit of legislation which binds Congressional pay rates to the National minimum wage index. This means that dip-shit politicians can't keep voting themselves pay raises again and again and again, while people trying to survive on minimum wage get shafted. Any raise in Congressional pay has to be matched with an equal percentage raise in minimum wage! Sweet. I'm for anything that limits Congressional idiots from rewarding themselves with pay raises they DON'T deserve.
It bugs the crap out of me that I am actually admiring Hillary Clinton for something, but this would be it.
If there's one thing I absolutely loathe about television shows, it's repetition. Characters who do not develop or grow in-between episodes. Situations that never change. Plots that are recycled over and over and over again. Why should I bother to tune in if it's just going to be the same shit I've already seen?
The show Medium is a classic example. EVERY EPISODE Allison has a psychic vision about something in her sleep. She then tells her husband who gets cranky and tries to blow it off as "just a dream". She then tells her boss who dismisses it outright. And then she gets dismissed by the detective guy too. Never mind that her dreams are right on the money EVERY F#@%ING TIME!! Seriously, WTF?!? You've seen first-hand that the bitch is a serious psychic... like what... A HUNDRED TIMES NOW?? At what point are you going to stop dismissing her or questioning her and just ACCEPT THAT THE STUFF SHE SAYS IS FOR REAL?!? How stupid are you morons?
STUPID. STUPID. STUPID!! If it weren't for the constant disbelief by people WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER, the series would be great. Great characters, terrific stories, decent acting... get rid of the blatant stupidity, and it's actually worth watching.
The fact that I continue to watch this junk is seriously bugging the crap out of me.
Argh. I guarantee you that I'll have at least another twenty things I can add to the list by lunchtime.
Posted on Thursday, May 11th, 2006
IGN is posting news from E3 on the totally sweet forthcoming LEGO STAR WARS video game sequel. The first Star Wars Lego Game was awesome, and it looks like this one is going to be even better (and only partially because the original trilogy kicks ass over the lame Jar Jar Binks new trilogy).
Lego Star Wars is one of the few games I've actually bothered to play all the way through... it looks great, plays great, and is the most fun I've ever had with my Xbox. And now we get the REAL Star Wars...
Awww look... you can be Chewbacca and rip the arms off of Stormtroopers! Cute!
The handheld version for Nintendo DS looks equally sweet, and even uses a 3D rendering engine for the graphics...
Apparently you'll be able to do multiplayer, but I'm not sure if it is just local or if you can play over the internet.
Posted on Friday, May 12th, 2006
For some reason, I seem to be getting a rash of wrong number calls to my mobile phone. It didn't used to be a problem, but seems to happen several times a week now. All I can guess is that some dumbass has gotten a new phone with similar digits and is mistakenly passing out my number to his friends. Or maybe he's not a dumbass, but he has a lot of dumbass friends who don't know how to dial.
Anyway, early this morning I was awakened by my mobile phone. It's set to vibrate, but still managed to wake me up. Turns out somebody had left me a voice mail hours earlier which went something like this...
"F#@%!! Miguel has been pulled over by the f#@%ing cops, and they won't release the car until he shows them the f#@%ing papers. F#@%ing call me back NOW!!
Fortunately, I wasn't awake when the call came, or I probably would have been a smartass and said something like this.
Sure it's funny, but I'd regret it afterwards.
You'd think that for something involving the police, you'd be a little more careful when dialing your phone. Of course, if the police are involved you might also want to be a bit nicer when you ask somebody to bring you papers in the middle of the night. I can only guess that Miguel and this woman who accidentally called me are now in jail or something. I'd try to feel bad about it, but they did wake me up at 2:47am with their message, so I really don't.
I wish I could say that the wrong number call was the only excitement for the evening, but it wasn't.
As I was going to bed shortly after midnight, all kinds of noise and flashing lights were happening outside. Apparently, the crotchety old people in the mobile home next door tried to burn their home down. Two fire trucks arrived at the scene, so apparently it was pretty serious.
These are the same fighting old people I wrote about last year, so part of me suspects that one of them finally tried to kill the other. Welcome to the redneck wilds of Central Washington.
We? Wheee? Wii??? Whatever, it looks like fun and I want one. I hope that Lego Star Wars comes out for it, because using the wireless wand controller like a lightsaber would kick ass!
In an age when Microsoft and Sony are releasing video game systems costing $500+ and titles so complex that they are more like work than entertainment... it's nice to know that Nintendo is focusing on what really matters... FUN GAME PLAY. If the titles end up being anywhere near the quality in the DS games, it's going to be one cool product.
Posted on Saturday, May 13th, 2006
Last night I took my mother and grandmother out for an early Mother's Day dinner. This neatly avoids having to battle the Sunday dining crowds, and didn't require me to make reservations months in advance.
Of course, the term "fancy restaurant" is a relative term. If you live in New York, Chicago, L.A., or any other large city, you would undoubtedly laugh your ass off over what qualifies as "fancy" here in Wenatchee, Washington. As if to prove my point, arguably the best restaurant in town is a burgers and pizza pub called "McGlinn's Public House" (I'd provide a link to their site, but it's a shitty Flash monstrosity that sums up just about everything I HATE in a web site). Out of all the places to eat in the valley, this is the only one I really like.
Not wanting to take my grandmother to a pub... even a really nice one like McGlinn's... we instead went to "The Cottage Inn" which is kind of like a boring version of Applebees. The food is pretty good for Wenatchee (mostly steaks and stuff). Most important, however, is that the atmosphere is very non-threatening and grandma-approved. This type of setting makes The Cottage Inn a favorite haunt for the elderly, and it seems like there is never anybody under 60 eating there.
This presents a problem.
Since most everybody is old, dinner conversation usually revolves around health problems.
Scary health problems.
I remember one time where the table next to mine had four old ladies actively discussing their bowel and bladder issues while they were eating. Once they got to the point where they were having to wear diapers on road trips, I was ready to kill myself. Last night was no different. The booth directly behind me was talking about all kinds of balls-nasty crap. As I was trying to enjoy my baked potato and salad dinner, I kept hearing words like "bile" and "mucous" and "spleen".
WTF? Why would anybody want to talk about this crap while eating?
It was so bad that I didn't even want to order dessert. And I ALWAYS order dessert. Things like this have me hoping I die before I get to the point where I feel the need to discuss my bowels and spleen in public.
Posted on Sunday, May 14th, 2006
I've been so busy with my job lately that everything else has taken a back seat to work. I was going to write a long rant about what a whiny douche-bag loser Real Networks CEO Rob Glaser is, then continue with a dozen other things that fill me with rage... but I don't have the time. So instead I've decided to do the "Memes for Adults" meme that I'm lifting from Avitable.
Oddly enough, it probably took more time to answer the forty questions than it would have taken to write my rant. Oh well. I put it all in an extended entry for those of you who like to skip these things...→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Posted on Monday, May 15th, 2006
She turned to the man standing just there and opened her mouth as if to speak. Somehow sensing that words would never adequately express the love in her heart, she gently laid her head upon his shoulder and began to weep. Holding the woman tightly as night descended upon them, the man comforted her as best he could. They were alone now. The tourist crowds had long since departed into the sunset, ill-prepared for the chill that spread through the air like a ghost. Though the woman's legs were weakened by her desire, his arms held her strong. Savoring this perfect moment, she knew then that she would never fall. Never ever ever fall again. And just as she was beginning to hope that the moment would never end, the man let loose with a mighty fart, the reverberations echoing cleanly in the crisp night. He instinctively looked around for a dog to blame but, alas, there was none to be found. The spell broken, they drift apart now, only their fingertips touching as they walk away into darkness.
Yeah, sometimes I have no idea either.
The entirety of my Sunday evening was spent trying to assemble a T-shirt order for everybody who won or purchased them. After six hours getting everything straightened out, it somehow all came together in a massive pile of PayPal receipts and emails...
My task was made considerably more difficult in that nearly one-third of the orders never resulted in a PayPal email notification, so I had to go back through all the orders again to make sure my count was correct.
The GOOD news is that I am finally finished now, and my shirt order has been sent in. I am hopeful that the distributor has everything in stock so I can ship everything out by the end of the month (I am getting tired of all those CDs, books, and DVDs cluttering up my dinner table). I promise to send out an email once I have a date to share.
There has got to be a better way to do this next time. Order counts were quadrupled from last year, and I was taken completely by surprise at the amount of work it was going to be. Heaven only knows how many trips to the post office I'm going to have to make once the shirts arrive.
And I do it all for you, dear reader. All for you.
Posted on Tuesday, May 16th, 2006
I have wasps.
Lots of wasps. They built a nest out on the tiny little deck at the back of my apartment. A big one. I didn't want to hurt them but, since I'm paying rent here, they're the ones who are going to have to move. So I whacked the board that the nest was affixed to with a broom handle, causing it to fall down. I figured if the nest was exposed, they would abandon it and go make a new one somewhere else. It was a good plan.
Except they didn't abandon it. Instead they built a sun porch and remodeled the dining room. They're not going anywhere.
And they really hate me now.
I'm kind of afraid to go to sleep at night, thinking that they might find a way inside to seek revenge. I know I certainly would if somebody beat the shit out of my home like that...
And the reason I know all about revenge is because I have decided to start carrying a chain saw in the trunk of my car. There's a lot of times that I have found myself in need of one, so now I'm going to make sure I'm prepared when the situation calls for it. Like this afternoon at the grocery store.
Parking was at a premium. Almost every spot was filled. It was our very first hot day of the season, and everybody and they're dog decided to buy ice cream and have a barbecue. All I wanted was a carton of milk and some eggs, but I couldn't find a spot. Not because there weren't spots to be had... but because people are idiots.
I now present... HOW TO PARK YOUR FRICKIN' CAR!!!
Isn't that nice? They have positioned themselves squarely in the center of the space, leaving free and easy access to the spaces beside them. But not everybody is this smart...
So you see... here is where I have a problem. The person who parked this car is clearly an idiot in desperate need of having their shit ruined.
Hence the chain saw I'll be carrying in my trunk from now on...
The hockey mask is not a requirement, I just think it looks like a fun thing to wear when cutting stuff up with a chain saw.
For the fourth night in a row, I am not able to sleep. I was joking about the wasps keeping me awake, but not about the insomnia. I don't know how I am going to function tomorrow if I can't get at least a few hours rest tonight. But hey, if I wait two minutes, it will be tomorrow, and I'll already have my blog entry done for the day. Go me.
Wait a second... do you hear that buzzing noise??
Posted on Tuesday, May 16th, 2006
Great Odin's Raven!
The wasps/bees/hornets/yellow jackets/whatver ARE REBUILDING!!
This morning I whipped back the curtains only to find that they were everywhere. All over the glass... patrolling the deck... AND REBUILDING THEIR NEST!! And they are REBUILDING IT UNDER A TV TRAY!! These little minions of Satan are indeed evil... EVIL TO THE CORE!!
Here is a corner of the old nest that I knocked down...
They are still using it... for something. I can only guess that they have converted the thing into an incubator for some kind of super-mutant-wasp creature meant to destroy me.
All that being said, they are really fascinating creatures to watch. The are very graceful in flight...
And here are the little bastards rebuilding their new ULTRA-SUPER-NEST-OF-DOOM!!
Heaven help me.
I can't really bring myself to kill any creature, so I'm still debating how to handle this. I'm thinking that tonight while they are sleeping I will pitch the old nest into the neighboring field along with the TV tray. I'll then soak down everything and try to make sure there's nothing else for them to build under. If you don't hear from me again, it's because I'm dead. Stung to death by whatever these little hellions are.
In happier news, here is a photo of my Converse Batman All-Star Chuck Taylors that some of you were asking about...
Aren't they totally cool? I'd wear them always but, since you can't buy them anymore, I limit myself to once or twice a year on special occasions. Like the party in Chicago...
Posted on Wednesday, May 17th, 2006
WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH... I'M A MURDERER!!!
Okay, I tried really hard to get rid of the wasps that decided to make my home their home. I really did. I knocked down their nest, put water everywhere, threw out anything that made a desirable nesting place... but no matter what I did, they kept coming back. Tonight I noticed that they were rebuilding, FOR THE THIRD TIME, and now they didn't seem to care that it was on the ground instead of hanging protected somewhere.
Obviously drastic measures were required.
So I got some RAID "Wasp & Hornet Spray" to take care of the situation. After shooing away as many as I could, I soaked all the areas they tried building. Some of the buggers were caught in the crossfire, and paid for it with their lives. I now have tiny chemical-soaked wasp carcasses on my deck, which is very sad. But the poison worked almost instantly, so at least they didn't suffer... at least so far as I could tell.
I am hoping that the smell of the spray will keep everybody else away. I don't want to have to kill any more of the little guys.
But it sure does beat the alternative...
And so now I'm wallowing in guilt.
Nothing a few hours of hard work and listening to some Pantera won't cure, I'm sure.
In better news...
Argh. I had maybe a two-hour nap last night, and hoped for better sleep tonight. But here it is 1:30am, and I am wide awake, AGAIN. How can I be totally exhausted and wide awake at the same time? Insomnia sucks ass.
Posted on Thursday, May 18th, 2006
Well, my wasp problem appears to have abated. Every once in a while, a little guy wanders up, but the hordes of horrifying insects that once occupied my deck have gone. I feel sorry for the wasps which do return only to find the dead bodies of their fallen comrades (and a once beautiful nest soaked with poison chemicals). The can of RAID tells me that the residue left behind can continue to kill for weeks, so I can only hope that the mass destruction and poison smell is enough of a warning for the little fellows to keep away.
I console myself over my insecticidal tendencies by imagining that the surviving wasps went on to find a nice tree somewhere and built a new home.
Self-delusion works for me.
I went to the library post office this afternoon to drop off my latest NetFlix rental (Wimbledon, which is probably great if you like tennis, but I thought it was kind of sappy/boring/lame) and noticed some bitch freaking out in the lobby. Apparently, she dropped her mail on the floor and had to pick it up. But that's not what caused her to lose it... she was crazy-insane because the little subscription cards in her magazines were flying everywhere as she was picking things up.
WHY DO THEY HAVE TO PUT SO MANY F#@%ING CARDS IN MY F#@%ING MAGAZINES!!! THAT'S JUST F#@%ING STUPID!! AND A WASTE OF F#@%ING PAPER!!!! SOMEBODY SHOULD MAKE THESE F#@%ING THINGS F#@%ING ILLEGAL!! AAAAAAAHHHHH... WHY DO THEY F#@%ING DO THAAAAAAAAT!!!!
Ordinarily I wouldn't have cared, but she had her kid with her.
What kind of mother screams this kind of crap in front of their kid? What kind of dumbass makes such a ridiculous public display over magazine subscription cards? Seriously, WTF?!?
As I walked by, I made the mistake of asking her a question...
Dave: Do you really want to know why they stuff those subscription cards in magazines?
Bitchy Muther: LET'S HEAR IT SMART GUY!!
Dave: It's because they work. Those things cost good money to print and insert, but publishers pay it because the little cards work. If they didn't work, they wouldn't waste the cash.
Bitchy Muther: OH YEAH? WELL LET'S SEE HOW WELL THEY WORK WHEN I F#@%ING CANCEL ALL MY F#@%ING SUBSCRIPTIONS!!
I was going to tell her that her little act of cancellation defiance would be about as effective as screaming at a piece of paper in a post office lobby, but held my peace. I most certainly did not mention that I have designed my share of subscription cards over the years. My self-preservation instinct overruled my smart-ass instinct for some reason.
I also taught myself a lesson.
I frickin' HATE television commercials that feature somebody chewing crunchy foods. It annoys the shit out of me. Potato chip commercials... breakfast cereal commercials... whatever... I HATE THAT CRAP! I don't want to hear it in real-life, why should I have to hear it during entertainment breaks? Aren't the commercials bad enough without having to annoy people too?
I can only guess that advertising agencies do it because it works.
For some reason listening to some idiot smacking away makes for a compelling motivator to buy their stuff. I don't know why... honestly I don't... but it must work or they wouldn't do it.
WELL LET'S SEE HOW WELL THOSE ADVERTISEMENTS WORK WHEN I F#@%ING STOP BUYING THEIR F#@%ING ANNOYING CRAP FOODS!!!
Okay, maybe I didn't teach myself a lesson.
Oh well. Back to work.
Posted on Friday, May 19th, 2006
And so I went and bought an Intel Duo-Core Mac Mini.
I guess this won't be very surprising... I am a total Mac whore. Me buying something from Apple is about as shocking as water being wet. What is somewhat surprising is that I bought the little guy to be a media server. It's hooked up to my television, and has a copy of all my music, photos, videos, movies, and even a complete backup of my current work files. I can access all of it from any room in my apartment via wireless. Eventually I'll have it set up so I can access it remotely over the internet as well. It does everything a "real" server does, but is remarkably small...
It's so small, that I think I could probably fit six of them into my Mac G4 Cube, which was the smallest computer I had owned to date. The cool thing is that it seems quite a bit faster as well.
And now I am off to wash clothes so I can get my suitcase packed this weekend. But before I go...
Just a reminder that I was a guest blogger over at Chasing Vincenzo yesterday. At least it was supposed to be yesterday, except I couldn't get my entry to post, so it's actually this morning. So if you just can't get enough of my nonsense, here's a link to RW's blog.
Posted on Saturday, May 20th, 2006
I don't feel good.
I woke up this morning and the room was spinning. It was like a hangover, but without the benefit of having gotten drunk the night before. I'm thinking that it might be that avian bird flu that's going 'round. I should have liked to stay in bed all day, but I have a quick trip to get ready for.
Before I leave town, it's customary to back-up my PowerBook just in case somebody should steal it. Now that I have my Mac Mini Server in place, it's a piece of cake. Enjoyable even. Then afterwards, just to be sure everything went okay, I randomly open some files. That's when this DaveToon came up...
I had absolutely no recollection of drawing it or even if I had used it (yep, I had), but it's kind of ironic because this is exactly how I feel today.
If only I had that fifth of Jack Daniels to blame.
Posted on Sunday, May 21st, 2006
After working myself to death for 26 hours, I managed to get a few hours sleep before going back out to an on-site job. After that was over, I should have gone back to bed, but instead went to the cinema to see Mission: Impossible III. The fact that I did not fall asleep during the film kind of speaks for itself. I enjoyed it quite a lot (certainly more than the pervious two).
Given that JJ Abrams wrote and directed M:i:III, it should come as no surprise that it plays like a really good episode of Alias (well, an early episode of Alias, back in the first season when the show was actually worth a crap). Except this time JJ had a massive budget and got to really let his mind run wild. Between the action, stunts, and locations... there's plenty of stuff to keep things interesting. This is a good thing, because the story itself is pretty formulaic with a not-so-surprising surprise along the way. There's also a slightly annoying plot hole around who knew what and when, but it's all in good fun.
Kind of makes me glad that the cool (yet cheesy) original-original series is going to be released on DVD.
That leaves only one movie left that I am really looking forward to this summer (and a handful of others I'll probably see)...
Pretty slim pickings. You just know it's a crappy summer for movies when one of the films on my top-5 must-see list is My Super Ex-Girlfriend.
Posted on Monday, May 22nd, 2006
Violence is not my way. At least not anymore.
Since applying Buddhist philosophies to my life, I am a much happier person. I'm not saying that Buddhism is for everybody, but it sure has helped me make sense of this insane world we live in. Unfortunately, it can also be a darn nuisance. Mostly because of the whole "non-violence thing". A primary precept of Buddhism is to do no harm. Since this includes not killing people, I spend most of my time being frustrated.
Take today for instance. If it weren't for my Buddhist leanings, this would be the evening headline...
And don't think it's because I enjoy the idea of killing people... I don't.
It's just that some people are too stupid to let live.
And a good chunk of them are Seattle drivers. It never ceases to amaze me how utterly idiotic some of them get when it rains. And since it rains a bit more here than it does in other cities, this is not okay. I spent a lot of time this morning stuck in traffic and blinded with rage at dumbasses who have no business being behind the wheel.
But it's not just drivers. After checking in to my hotel, I ran to the elevator. A woman there had already pressed her floor, and so I pressed mine which was two floors lower. This instantly caused her to get pissed because now she had to make a stop at my floor before getting to her own...
Stupid Bitch: Well I WAS in a hurry.
Dave: THEN WHY DON'T YOU GET A ROOM ON THE FIRST FLOOR SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO USE THE ELEVATOR THEN?!??
Stupid Bitch: What-ever.
Uh huh. The world would definitely be a better place if people like this bitch weren't in it.
But instead of strangling her right there in the elevator, I walk away.
Because violence is not my way. At least not anymore.
Posted on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
This will be a short entry because I am tired. I am tired because I have been working for almost 16 hours now. And when I get tired, my eyes don't want to focus very well... especially on a computer screen, which makes typing into my blog very difficult. It is difficult because I cannot look directly at the screen, but instead have to trick myself into seeing what I type by looking at the screen out of the corner of my eye.
Not only is this a slow and inefficient way to type, but it gives me a headache.
Hence the short entry.
For a dinner break I went to eat at one of my most favorite restaurants ever... Johnny Rockets. I always order a Streamliner Veggie Burger with NO grilled onions and NO mustard. I like these burgers so much that I had the same thing for dinner last night and will probably have the same thing again for dinner tomorrow. I would also have one of these burgers for breakfast in the morning, but Johnny Rockets isn't open for breakfast. I suppose that even if they were open for breakfast, they probably wouldn't be serving Streamliner Veggie Burgers with NO grilled onions and NO mustard on their breakfast menu, so I guess it really doesn't matter if they were open for breakfast or not. Because you can get scrambled eggs and toast anywhere.
After dinner at Johnny Rockets I walked back to my hotel room so I could work some more.
Along the way I saw a guy holding this sign in front of Macy's...
Ninjas killed my family... I need money for kung-fu lessons.
This was funny enough that I sincerely wanted to give him money, but I am not allowed to do that. You see, if I were to give him money, he could then use that money to harm others (by buying a gun and shooting them or something) or harm himself (by buying drugs or something). If he was hungry, I could buy him food... or if he was sick I could buy him medicine (for example)... but giving money is out of the question. Oh well. It was still a cool sign.
As if that weren't interesting enough, I also overheard a disheveled man talking to his equally disheveled friend outside of the Starbucks at Westlake...
"No Man... No Man... It burns when I'm peein' man. There's something wrong up there. There's something wrong".
This was amusing at first, but then it made me sad. It makes me sad that it burns when this man pees and he can't afford to go see a doctor and get it fixed. This being America, one of the wealthiest nations on the face of the earth, I think that everybody should have the right to pee burn-free. How f#@%ed up is it that we can spend billions of dollars blowing shit up half a world away, but this man has to go through life with a penis that feels like it's on fire when he urinates?
This kind of stupid shit drives me insane.
It also makes me want to go to Washington D.C. and bitch-slap every f#@%ing politician in the city.
This entry has gone on for a lot longer than I thought it would. And now I have a headache. Blargh.
Posted on Wednesday, May 24th, 2006
I started the day with the worst breakfast in the worst restaurant with the worst service ever. I think there was something wrong with my eggs too, because I eventually got very very sick. It felt like my intestines were going to burst out of my torso, and the pain was kind of harsh. I had no idea what was going on down there, so I took a Pepto Bismol, an Immodium, a Gas-X, a Pepcid AC, and a couple of TUMS. None of that made me feel much better, but at least I didn't explode or anything.
Maybe it's salmonella poisoning.
Tomorrow I'm going to eat breakfast at McDonalds where I know it's safe.
"Safe" being a relative term, of course. But I can't risk getting sick again when I've got two more days of work ahead of me.
So what's on TV?
The last time I watched Lost, Locke and Jack were fighting over whether or not to push a button. I wrote about the sheer idiocy of it all here.
Wanting to know if anything had changed on that stupid, stupid show... I decided to buzz by tonight's season finale for a minute and see what's happening. And what did I find?
Locke and some other guy are fighting over whether or not to push a button.
Somebody please explain how a show that never changes and keeps recycling the same shit over and over and over again with NO resolution and NO answers can be so popular? Who actually gives a crap anymore? Not me. I gave up months ago, and am now thrilled that I didn't waste my time watching it with the expectation that things would change.
Hmmm... I hope the hotel doesn't fine me for borrowing a towel for Towel Day 2006 tomorrow!
Posted on Thursday, May 25th, 2006
Today was Towel Day, which was kind of inconvenient given my work schedule... but I stuck it out all the way until dinner because I love Douglas Adams more than sliced bread. Fortunately, there was no nasty note from housekeeping when I got back. I guess we'll see if they try to bill me for borrowing their towel when I check out tomorrow.
And... uhhhh... I guess that's it?
Well that's just sad.
I suppose if I have nothing else to say today, it must be time for a meme that I stole from Neil...→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Posted on Friday, May 26th, 2006
All the web is abuzz with the news that O'Reilly has decided to trademark "Web 2.0" for their exclusive use for conferences and such. This has pissed off some people. Well, actually it's pissed off just about everybody. To be honest, I can't really blame them. This is a generic term that has no business what-so-ever being trademarked and, if it is approved, just goes to show how terribly f#@%ed up our trademark system is.
Don't tell anybody, but I am secretly hoping that O'Reilly gets the registration.
And why is that?
Let me tell you why...
I f#@%ing hate the asinine term "Web 2.0"... HATE IT!! I refuse to use it. And the quickest way to kill off this stupid shit is to piss everybody off so badly that they won't want to use it either. Having the trademark approved is the best thing that could possibly happen.
Every time I hear somebody mention "Web 2.0" I want to punch them in the face. It's one of those things that only has meaning if somebody is trying to sell you something... in reality, it has zero relevance to the ever-evolving web. It's like trying to draw a line in the sand to mark the tide. It doesn't work. The waves come in. The waves go out. Your line is slowly eaten away as the tide does whatever it's going to do.
Much like the internet.
So let O'Reilly have it to sell their books and conferences. That's about all it's good for anyway.
Posted on Saturday, May 27th, 2006
Part of the human condition is the need to feel superior to others. It's kind of sad and petty, but it's built into our wiring somehow, and so I've learned to accept it. But it still doesn't make me very happy when people pull the superiority card on me.
Yesterday as I was heading out of Seattle, I came up to a stop light where I needed to make a right turn. While waiting for a chance to take my free-right, this douchebag on a bicycle comes rolling up along my right side AND LEANS ON MY CAR! Even worse, he's not turning, and so he's effectively blocking me from taking my free-right.
So when traffic opens up, I move forward a little bit so he'll get off my car and I can turn.
This doesn't go over very well with the dumbass bicyclist. He starts smacking my hood and screaming about my "gas guzzling polluter of a car" (which is kind of upsetting because my car actually gets pretty good gas mileage). Apparently, since he's riding a bicycle, he's entitled to do whatever the heck he wants and everybody else is just supposed to kiss his ass. I've just been dealt a superiority card.
And yet if I were to run over this idiot, I would be the one hauled off to jail! Where's the justice in that?
Truth to tell, I'm no better... as a Mac user I feel superior to Windows users, for example... but I would hope that I'm not THIS big of a jerk about it (though I was at the Apple Store today and think the new MacBook kicks serious ass).
Just one week to go...
Posted on Sunday, May 28th, 2006
Ugh. Raining buckets in Seattle on a lazy Sunday. I think I'll stay in the city for another day with my friends...
Posted on Monday, May 29th, 2006
Today is the Memorial Day holiday, which isn't much of a holiday at all when you have to work.
The drive back from Seattle-side was uneventful because I headed out early before there was any traffic on the roads. It was still overcast and drizzling in the city when I left, then poured rain all the way over Stevens Pass. Once I was over the pass, however, everything changed. The skies opened up to a glorious blue and, by the time I made it home, there wasn't a cloud in the sky (really!).
This was nice for the Memorial Day services going on at our local cemetery because they display hundreds of flags (one for each veteran killed in service, I think). If it rains, they can't hang the flags since they have nowhere to dry so many of them. And if the ceremony was cancelled, I'd miss this beautiful site...
With apologies to R.W. (who is wanting a new flag design), I must say that the "Stars and Stripes" sure looks great against that flawless blue sky! If you look closely at the second photo, you can see how they mark each pennant that goes up with somebody's name.
I am not a big fan of the cemetery. For one thing, a good chunk of my family (not to mention my best friend) are buried there, and it's kind of depressing to be reminded that they have gone. When I picture them in my head, I see them as if they're still alive... but here in the cemetery it's hard to see them as anything but dead. I suppose that's why I don't visit very often.
One thing I do find interesting is the mystical symbols that are carved on various tombstones. In particular, the inverted pentagram seems to be a popular choice. I always thought this was a sign of heavy metal music or satan worshipers, and yet here it is all over the place, and always on lady's headstones...
Since heavy metal wasn't around back when these people were alive, I am guessing it means that they are satan worshipers. That woman in the middle must be hard-core, because she's got a hammer on hers as well! But when I look at the names of the people buried under the markers and see "Mae" and "Betty" and "Eleanor" and "Mabel"... well, those don't seem much like the names of satan worshipers does it?
I guess that means they were heavy metal fans after all... just really, really ahead of their time.
Posted on Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
Well, I went ahead and saw X-Men 3: The Last Stand despite the fact that I thought the first two X-movies sucked major ass. Turns out that X3 sucks too, but not nearly as badly as the previous films (hey, at least this time the super-powered mutants had moments where they were actually shown being super-powered mutants). In order to avoid ruining the film for anybody who hasn't seen it, my spoiler-ridden notes are in an extended entry. Suffice to say that I thought the film had a few geeky moments to please X-fans, but fell way short of being a worthy adaptation of the source material. Such a pity, because I am a major X-whore...
But here's the deal... as bad as I felt X3 was, it positively shines in comparison to the total ass-draining suckage that is known as The Da Vinci Code. Holy shit what a crap-fest of a film! Sure it was hampered by the lame source material, but Ron Howard & Company failed on just about every possible level to create any semblance of movie entertainment.
Long. Boring. Pandering. Safe. Uninspired. DEAD.
Even though I am not a big fan of the book, at least the written version had a small amount of bite to it. The film is just a mess that takes otherwise capable actors and waters them down to base stupidity. Audrey Tautou is absolutely brilliant in Amelie and the astounding A Very Long Engagement, but is given nothing to do here. All she gets is to stand in the corner all doe-eyed while Tom Hanks solves a series of by-the-numbers puzzles. A total waste of her considerable talent, and an even further embarrassment to the movie.
Maybe The Da Vinci Code is worth a video rental for a boring evening, but it's completely miss-able at the theater. Do yourself a favor and save your money. While you wait to rent the DVD at NetFlix, you can read The DAVEinci Code instead...
And there you have it. A bad night for movies all around. If you haven't seen X3 and don't want it ruined, DO NOT read onward...→ Click here to continue reading this entry...
Posted on Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
Yes, that was really me in The Wall Street Journal today. It should come as no surprise to anybody that such a respectable and upstanding publication is reading Blogography... all the really important people end up here eventually (and doesn't that make you feel special?). All I know is that if I were looking for a "Voice of Authority" for my article, the first person I would seek out would be me... so it all makes perfect sense.
So now I'm famous.
Famous and soon to be rich!
That's because the incomparable Liz over at Everyday Goddess has sent me a "god of wealth" coin. This guy in Japan is sending out coins so people can make a wish for wealth and then pass along to somebody else. Then, at the end of the year, people will return the coins and he'll visit a shrine to offer them to the god of wealth (whose name is Daikoku) so our wishes can be heard. Sweet!
Now... before all the nut-jobs out there decide to send me an email which condemns me to hell for worshiping pagan idols or some crap like that... please repeat after me... IT'S JUST FOR FUN!!
Though, if I were to go shopping for a god, I think anybody branded "the god of wealth" would be at the top of my list.