I thought it would turn out to be a cold or whatever, but that's not the case. If it's not the ebola virus or the bubonic plague... maybe it's the flu or something. It's pretty frickin' miserable to be me just now. I may not be dead, but I am almost to the point of wishing I were...

It's at times like this that I realize just how much I take some things for granted... like being able to sit upright without falling over. Or being able to turn my head without feeling like my neck is going to snap off. Or being able to stand up to pee.

Some holiday weekend this turned out to be.

Still sick and miserable this Bullet Sunday. The only difference is that my nose and eyes have stopped running, which I hope means that I'm getting better. All the aches and pains are still there though, and since even slight movement can lead to agony, I spend most of my day lying in bed. That doesn't lead to very much excitement to blog about, but I'll give it a try anyway...

• Trekaversary... Back in 1987 I was vacationing in Maui with some friends when we found out that the premiere episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation would be airing. Naturally, we canceled all our plans and stayed at the condo so we could watch. That first episode was pretty terrible, but I was a huge Trek geek from the original series, and eventually became a fan of the new show (especially after a couple seasons had passed and the series mythology started to come together). I find it impossible to believe that this was nearly twenty years ago, and Next Generation will be celebrating its anniversary on the 28th of this month (Gah! I'm old!). My favorite Trek is still the original, but I hold a geeky place in my heart for Next Gen, and will have to start re-watching all my old videotape copies to celebrate their anniversary (Seesh, VIDEOTAPE?!? I really am old!).

• Sesame... You know how when you are sick, you start craving certain foods? For the past two days I've been wondering why America hasn't embraced sesame seeds for snack-foods as Europe has. While I was in Greece, I became addicted to these amazing thin pretzel sticks that had sesame seeds on them. In Germany, I had goldfish pretzel crackers with sesame seeds on them. Sesame is everywhere over there. Yet, back in the USA, about the only thing I can find are Pepperidge Farm "Snack Sticks" and some crappy sesame crackers. But they're not the same, and I wants me my sesame-pretzel sticks! I guess I'm going to have to enslave a Keebler elf or something.

• Stolen... A couple days ago when I was talking about people stealing my stuff, I forgot to mention the incident which got me started on my rant. It was when a guy stole, in its entirety, my Blogography Gangsta rap: Bitch Got Three Spaces. The only thing he changed was the "Lyrics and Music by" and "Sung by" credits, where he just slapped in his own name on my work. The problem is that he didn't replace the final line of the lyrics...

Laughin' my ass off as I pass,
Thankin' digital photography.
Makin' yo inconsiderate ass famous,
Postin' dis shit on Blogography.

I guess the guy couldn't be bothered to come up with their own rhyme for "photography." Naturally, this made his theft easy to find, and I fired off a comment asking "Why would you post dis shit on Blogography when that's not even your blog?... oh, that's right, it's because you STOLE IT FROM BLOGOGRAPHY!" He never responded, but he did delete his stolen entry and put his blog on hiatus. No big loss, apparently he didn't have anything to say anyway.

• Captcha... These things are getting insane. Half the time I can't even guess anymore...

• NBC Redux... In response to Apple's recent press release, NBC prez Cory Shields fired back with a bunch of stupid crap that makes me loathe this network with a passion. My favorite line? "The typical iPod contains a significant amount of illegally downloaded material." Which means he's basically calling anybody with an iPod a thief. Well Mr. Shields, do you know how much illegally downloaded material is on my iPod and iPhone? Zero. Nothing. Everything there is 100% legally purchased. So go fuck yourself. Sideways. You have to be one of the stupidest people on the planet. Calling your potential customers thieves is such a great way to encourage them to want to do business with your company. If the NBC board doesn't fire your stupid ass, then they're even bigger morons than you are.

And now it's time for me to take my third nap of the day. Every time I get some sleep, I wake up feeling better, so maybe that's the key? Too bad I can't just lapse into a coma until this is all over with.

As somebody who has been a chronic insomniac for the better part of a decade, being sick this past weekend has opened up an entirely new door to me: that of a full-night's sleep.

And a full-day's sleep as well.

I've been doing pretty much nothing but sleeping for the past three days. And, given that I usually average a measly 4-5 hours per night, this is an unfamiliar situation to me. Absolutely nothing got done this weekend. Not even any work, which is going to make for a painful week since I was already several days behind.

Assuming I can even make it to work in the morning.

Whatever bug I have is totally kicking my ass. Though today I did start eating again, so I'm interpreting this as a sign that I'm on the road back to health.

Now what I really need is a shower... and a box of Cracker Jacks.

Don't ask me why, they just sound good.

I made the mistake of going to work today when I clearly wasn't ready to do so. I lasted until 3:30, which made me kind of an inspiration to myself, because I very nearly passed out around 2:00.

There I was, minding my own business, when all of a sudden I felt the world whipping around me in a kind of vertigo-like frenzy. It was much like drinking a fifth of tequila, but without the salt, lime, or hangover. Normally this would be a good thing, but the attack was so sudden that I instinctively tried to steady myself... even though I wasn't actually moving. This caused me to fall out of my chair, which is when I almost passed out. Probably from confusion.

The strange thing is that after a few minutes I felt better than I have in days. This had me wondering if I wasn't sick but, in fact, possessed, and an evil spirit had just left my body. But then I was feeling all nauseous and run-down and figured probably not. So at 3:30 I ran back home so I could take a four-hour nap.

But that was four hours ago, so now I'm ready for bed.

Again.

The good news is that all my symptoms seem to be subsiding a little more each day. By my calculations, this means I should be back to tip-top shape sometime in late February, 2008.

Being sick sucks serious ass.

A much better day.

Though I am now so far behind in work, email, blogs, comments, and life in general that I am starting to feel sick again. Life can be so ironic sometimes.

Except for the fact that I'm coughing my head off at random intervals for no apparent reason, and still feel tired all the time, I'm finally kinda back to normal.

Except for these bizarre food cravings I keep having. Out of nowhere I'll suddenly be dying for some random food... like saltwater taffy... or beef jerky... or a fifth of Jack Daniels. Or, more likely, a fifth of Jack Daniels with saltwater taffy and beef jerky. It doesn't make any sense. I mean, saltwater taffy sticks to your teeth, I don't eat meat, and my alcohol of choice is Jägermeister. So why?

The answer is simple.

I didn't survive my sickness. It killed me. I died.

AND NOW I AM BACK FROM THE DEAD AND CRAVING HUMAN FLESH!

Well, not really human flesh, but I sure could go for a donut. A Dunkin' Donut with pink frosting...

A pity that there's no Dunkin' Donuts anywhere in Washington State.

I guess I'll just have to settle for that fifth of Jack Daniels.

And now, because I was recovering yesterday and didn't feel like writing...

• Yes, I know Apple had an iPod event yesterday.
• Yes, I know the iPhone price was slashed by $200.
• No, I'm not mad... I thought my iPhone was worth $599 when I bought it, or else I wouldn't have bought it.
• On top of that, when I think of how often I use it and how essential iPhone is to my life now that I have it, $200 is a small price to pay for the time I've been using it.
• The amount of money I've saved on not having to buy overpriced internet access at airports alone is already at least $100.
• Not to mention the fact that my iPhone plan with AT&T saves me $20 a month over what I had been paying, and my iPhone will have paid for itself by the time my two-year contract is up.
• People who whine about the pitfalls of being early adopters should either not be early adopters or shut the frak up.
• I'm actually thrilled that the price drop will bring more people to the sheer joy that is iPhone. The sooner Apple dominates the universe, the better.
• I still love Apple. I still love my iPhone. I still love my Macs. I still worship Steve Jobs.

And, before I forget, since I've been emailed about it a dozen times...

• Yes, I know that Steve Jobs announced today that Apple will give a $100 Apple Store credit to iPhone early-adopters after he got hundreds of whiny emails.

The only question now is... what will I spend my $100 in Apple-money on?

• A third iPod Shuffle ($79). I've already got one Shuffle for music, and a second Shuffle for audiobooks... maybe I need a third PURPLE iPod Shuffle to clip my pants closed after I eat too many Dunkin' Donuts with pink frosting. BONUS: $21 left over!
• A new iPod nano "fatty" ($149). It's just so adorable! So tiny! And it plays video! And my old iPod nano is permanently attached to my car stereo, so I am nano-less.
• AppleTV ($299). Now that I'm buying video and subscribing to television shows to feed my iPhone so I have stuff to watch when I travel, it would be cool to stream that stuff to my TV. And who could resist a night in front of the television surfing YouTube?
• A 24-inch 2.8GHz iMac ($2,299) Just because it's pretty and I don't have one.
• A Two Dual-Core 3GHz MacPro with dual 30-inch displays and all the extras ($16,716). YES! TOTALLY AWESOME!! THIS IS ABSOLUTELY WHAT I WANT!! And once I use my $100 credit, I only have to pay $16,616!! Sweet!

Hey. Wait a second...

DAMN YOU STEVE JOBS AND YOUR BRILLIANT $100 APPLE STORE CREDIT PLAN TO ROB ME OF SIXTEEN-THOUSAND-SIX-HUNDRED-AND-SIXTEEN DOLLARS OF MY HARD-EARNED MONEY!!

=sob!=

If it's even possible, I think I love Steve Jobs even more than I did yesterday... that evil genius bastard.

w00t!

It's that time of the year again... time for the Chelan County Fair!

Not that I really care about the fair itself anymore. I haven't gone out to the fair in years, because riding a Ferris Wheel and looking at giant vegetables and visiting animals that are being sold for slaughter isn't my thing. However, there is one thing that I do love about the fair...

CORN!

The American Legion has a booth where they sell boiled ears of sweet corn that have been drenched in butter. All for the bargain price of just $1.00! All I have to do is find somebody I know that has a fair pass, then have them run to the Legion booth and buy me one.

It's pretty tasty.

Especially when you eat it with a delicious Veggie Corn Dog.

And a bag of popcorn.

And a tub of Snack-Pack Chocolate Pudding.

And a couple shots of Jägermeister.

And some Golden Oreos.

And some toasted bread with hummus and feta cheese.

Wah! I'm hungry!

Some memories are precious and meant to be treasured. Other memories you wish you could gouge from your head with a melon-baller.

Such as the remembrance of being sick for a week.

Today I made a valiant effort to purge my home of every disease-ridden memory from those dark times. Like a man possessed, I tore through room after room... eradicating all evidence of the plague that had come down upon my house.

In other words, I washed the sheets on my bed.

Good times.

And even better times are ahead, because in two weeks it's the L.A. blogger meet! I've sent out information to those who had asked me about it, and so if you were interested and didn't get an email please let me know by emailing me at dave@blogography.com. Hopefully I'll hear back from everybody soon so I can make reservations on Monday night.

And now I'm off to bed so I can continue going through the travel book 1000 Places To See Before You Die so I can check off those places I've been and figure out places I'd like to go.

Though I still like my idea of a "To Do Before You Die List" best.

It's Bullet Sunday under medication as I try to rid myself of the last vestiges of the plague I've been fighting off all week!

• Horrendously Awful... As a certified Apple Whore, the Microsoft Zune media player was always off my radar. It isn't Mac compatible, so I just didn't care. I said my peace on the matter and moved on. Apparently, so did the rest of the world, because Zune never made much of an impact against the iPod. But then today I actually got to play with a Zune. And the entire time I kept thinking to myself over and over again... "holy crap this is lame!" I could detail the entire horrifying experience of both Zune and the Zune Marketplace, but there's nothing to be said. It's just bad, and that's the end of it.

• But Not Really... Okay just one more thing about Zune. THIS WAS WHAT MICROSOFT THOUGHT WOULD BE AN iPOD KILLER?!? It's so craptastically bad that I can only guess it was crapped out of somebody's ass in an explosive case of diarrhea. It certainly looks as if that's the case...

Microsoft has BILLIONS of dollars! But what good is it if they only spend $2.50 on research and development when they decide to enter a new market? NOTE TO MICROSOFT: SPEND THE FUCKING MONEY TO MAKE OBSCENELY AMAZING PRODUCTS!! Put in a billion-dollars and come up with a media player that has anti-gravity controls, a 400dpi 3-D screen, wireless power recharging, and folds to the size of a pack of gum! Otherwise, why bother? Why continue to release complete and total shit that isn't a leap ahead of what's already out there? For crying out loud, who is in charge over there at Redmond? If this is your answer to iPod, I can't wait to see your iPhone competition. Seriously, I could use a good laugh.

• MTV VMA... Am I the only one who thinks that it is ironic MTV would still hold a Video Music Award show when they so rarely play music videos anymore? I tuned in to see Britney perform, but she looked completely zoned out... as if she didn't know who she was or what she was doing there. Girl has bills to pay... she'd better get it together quick, or she won't have a music career left.

• Sam & Max... One of my most favorite comic books is Sam & Max: Freelance Police. One of my favorite video games is Sam & Max Hit The Road. One of my favorite cartoons is The Adventures of Sam & Max. My favorite web comic is the Eisner Award nominee Sam & Max. I'm pretty sure that one of my favorite online games would be Sam & Max too if it worked with Macintosh. It certainly looks like it would be totally awesome...

Anyways, the good news here is that Shout Factory has announced that the animated Sam & Max are getting a new 3-Disc Set on DVD! It's a few months out yet, and no release-date has been given, but the news has me totally psyched. All I need is a Mac or Wii version of the new Sam & Max games, and my life will be complete.

• Dietary Suckage... What do you eat when you have to eliminate hydrogenated oil, gluten, and high fructose corn syrup... plus limit dairy products to three servings a day? Apparently its a lot of fruit juices, frozen vegetables, and rice cakes. So far it hasn't solved any problems for me, but not eating after 7:00 each night has certainly been making me sleep better. Last night, for the first time in a very long time, I managed to sleep six hours uninterrupted. I guess you do what you gotta do in order to stay healthy, but I can't imagine living in a world where I can't have a slice of freshly baked bread smothered in butter along with chocolate pudding and a can of Coke. Oh well. One week left to go.

And now it's back to work. And not eating.

There I was this morning looking at the ingredient labels of all the food in my refrigerator and cupboards when it dawned on me... WAAAAAHH! I'M GONNA DIIIIIIEEE!

Last week while I was sick and didn't have an appetite, it was easy to be eating under my new diet. Juice and applesauce three times a day was okay by me. But now that I get hungry and actually want to eat, it's a frickin' impossibility. Everything I have contains the things I'm supposed to avoid while testing out my new medication. Of course, after researching these things a little bit, they look like stuff I should be avoiding anyway...

• Hydrogenated Oil... Poison. Literally poison. This shit will kill you, and should be made illegal. Fortunately, many food manufacturers are getting rid of it, but eating out at a restaurant can be like having a hydrogenated oil bomb go off in you.
• High Frustose Corn Syrup... The least-healthy sweetener there is, and it's in everything. Many researchers claim that it's high fructose corn syrup that's responsible for the obesity epidemic in the US.
• Gluten... I thought problems with gluten were limited to people with celiac disease, but apparently eating too much gluten (wheat, rye, and barley) can rough-up your lower intestine even if you don't have it.
• Dairy... I don't have to give up dairy, but I'm supposed to limit my intake of it. Dairy isn't exactly good for you, but the stuff is made far worse because of all the hormones they inject into cows, and pesticides in cow feed.

With nothing to eat, I went to the store and found out most of the food available is also filled with this crap. But eventually, after a lot of work shopping, I managed to find stuff I could eat (rice-almond bread with hummus and feta cheese... delicious!). But there's still a massive problem...

KETCHUP!

I love ketchup and put it on half the stuff I eat. Having to stop eating it because it contains high fructose corn syrup is a crushing blow to my menu. So I used iPhone to see if there was a recipe for making my own ketchup on the internet, and there are dozens of them! So now I'm making my own ketchup, and all is good again.

Especially since I just read that My Boys has been renewed for a third season! Sweet!

UPDATE: GAAAAH! Speaking of My Boys, I just watched the season finale... AND IT'S A CLIFFHANGER? Why? Why would they do this? Who was on the plane? WAAAAAAAAHHH!

Today I was getting aggravated with the file folders I use to sort my projects because my stuff keeps falling out of them. Then, in a flash of nostalgia, I remembered the Pee-Chee folders from my school days and decided that they were the perfect solution. So off I went to the school supply section of the local drug store, only to find out they don't have them. No problem, I'll just order them from Staples. Except Staples doesn't have them. So then I look on Wikipedia to see if I remembered the name wrong or something, only to find out that they don't make Pee-Chees anymore!

WTF?!?

How old am I?

Apparently, really old. High school was 23 years ago, and somewhere in that massive span of time they stopped making Pee-Chees!

What in the heck do school kids use to carry their papers now-a-days?

More importantly, what in the heck do they use to write cool graffiti on? When I was in school, everybody plastered their Pee-Chees with nifty stickers and decorated them using multi-color markers to write the names of their favorite bands and stuff. Mine was covered in cartoons I would draw when I was bored.

Which was most of the time.

Photo swiped from the always-excellent Maxim Magazine.

As I'm typing this, Padma Lakshmi is being her usual scorching-hot self on the latest episode of Top Chef. The big challenge this time is one of the coolest I've ever seen on the show... airplane food! I really like how this season they are being so creative in the challenges and toning down the stupid-ass drama that plagued last year. Of course, then they invite Anthony Bourdain to be a guest-judge, where he's his usual cheerful and supportive self. He must be a scream at parties.

For my dinner, I was a bit of a Top-Chef myself, making my own pizza sauce for the first time. I saved up all my dairy allowance for the day so I could make pizza on toasted rice flour bread. It was surprisingly tasty. I should totally be on Top Chef next season!

UPDATE: My Pee-Chee obsession drove me to Google searches where I've found others lamenting the passing of the Pee-Chee...

Blue Flavor says that MySpace is the Modern Day Pee-Chee.
A nice Evolution of the Pee-Chee is over at CreativePro.
Defective Yeti with a tale of Pee-Chee customization gone wrong.

I accidentally landed on the televised Presidential Address while channel surfing this evening. I tend to avoid stuff like this in a desperate attempt to save what little sanity I have left in a world gone mad, but he was on all the channels, so what could I do?

As my brain was melting, there was only one thought I could keep in my head.

Just one thought that my mind clung to as I watched President Bush attempt to give his speech...

What is Steve Jobs waiting for?

STEVE JOBS FOR PRESIDENT!

BRING JOBS TO AMERICANS IN 2008!

TAKE BACK AMERICA WITH STEVE!!

President Steve would be super awesome! He got Apple back on track, President Steve could totally get America back on track too! We need President Steve!

I wonder if we would get to sync the presidential inauguration to watch on our iPhones?

One of the biggest disadvantages of working in a small town is an early Fed-Ex drop-off time. In bigger cities, you can get a fantastically late drop-off time of 8:00 even 9:00pm... but me? I've got until 3:30pm to get my stuff together. This makes working under a tight deadline really difficult, because I don't even get a full work-day to finish a job.

In an effort to get a jump on things, I got up at 4:30am and started right to work. This would give me plenty of time to finish my work before FedEx Guy shows up and ruins my day 11 hours later...

Me. Ready and waiting for the FedEx Guy.

So there I am, happily working along when... BAM!! The internet goes down. And I need the internet to get my work done.

Uh oh.

So much for getting a jump on things.

Long story short... I end up trippin' balls all afternoon, killing myself to make my 3:30 deadline once I have internet.

And tomorrow I do it all over as I attempt to get everything ready before flying out again.

Bleh.

I need a less-stressful life.

Or a fifth of tequila.

I need a less-stressful life AND a fifth of tequila.

UPDATE: OMG! Kitty Spangles Solitaire for Mac is on sale for just $11.95! ONE DAY ONLY, September 15th, 2007 over at MacUpdate. You can read about me going gay for Kitty here. Or you can read about me paying for Kitty's love here. Or even read how I made Kitty Spangles my bitch here. And, lastly, you can read about how Lil' Dave got revenge on Kitty's pet pig here. This solitaire game may not be the most macho game of cards around, but it's still my favorite. If you want to try before you buy, go get a demo at Swoop Software's site. Sweet!

And I'm off to Chicago... again. Well, assuming that Horizon Air doesn't cancel my flight. Apparently some of the aircraft in Horizon's fleet have had a safety recall of the landing gear, and they've been canceling hundreds of flights throughout the week to do inspections. I'm told that ended yesterday, but I won't know for sure until I get to the airport. Fun.

For some reason, I had it in my head that I was returning home before my trip to L.A., and it wasn't until I printed my boarding pass that I realized I am flying direct to LAX once my work in Chicago is over. This caused a panic of an entirely new flavor, because I've got a lot of stuff to get ready before my trip to La La Land. Guess I won't be getting any sleep tonight after all.

In other news, I got a lovely comment this morning from some guy who was outraged because I dared "desecrate a classic" with a cartoon parody of Curious George I made last year...

I find this ironic, because I'm about the biggest Curious George fan there is, and have been collecting Curious George books and toys for a very long time now. I guess I shouldn't be surprised... I mean, I've already got Kenny Chesney fans hating on me... and Harry Potter fans hating on me too... but Curious George?!? Seriously? I'd have thought my fellow George fans would have a better sense of humor about these things. He is, after all, a monkey.

Oh well. Back to work. Back to work.

I'm BS-ing my way to Chicago! Hmmm... it seems like just four Bullet Sundays ago, I was also on my way to Chicago. Oh, wait a second... it was four Bullet Sundays ago! I wonder what will go wrong this time...

• Safe... Well, I didn't get pulled over for speeding. That was a pleasant change from last time.

• Praise... Some guy behind me was told that his bag needed to be searched at airport security, and his response was to preach holy scripture at the TSA agent. This was kind of bad-ass, in a Samuel L. Jackson Pulp Fiction kind of way, but I didn't see how the passage was applicable. A Google Bible search on the parts of the quote I remember resulted in Colossians 2:8... "Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ." Does this mean Jesus is the only one allowed to search his luggage? Sadly, I don't think Christ has a day-job working for the TSA, so I guess this guy is out of luck.

• Prayer... And, of course, the same guy has to say a prayer as we're taking off ("Lord protect us on this journey...") which is no big deal... until some drunken woman starts laughing hysterically in the middle of it ("...we ask that you give our pilot the skill and knowledge to deliver us safely..."). I sit in my seat waiting for God to smite our plane in a ball of fire so as to destroy this drunken bitch for her blasphemous mirth, but it would seem as though He has a sense of humor about it all and we land in Seattle without incident ("...amen").

• Breakfast... For the first time in two weeks, I eat gluten by having a flour tortilla on my egg & potato wrap at Qdoba. I fully expect to explode any minute now.

• Borders... I filled iPhone with plenty of videos, so I don't really need a book, but decide to stop in at Borders anyway (out of habit?). There I notice that there is a new version of "1000 Places to See Before You Die" called "1000 Places to See Before You Die In the US and Canada." I suppose that this edition is for people who want to travel, but don't want to be inconvenienced by leaving North America, which I find to be opposite of what the original book was all about. But the most curious thing I saw in the book store was that Bad Monkey has inspired a novel!

I demand royalties!!

• Puppies! Seattle must be hosting a convention for the blind or something. As I sit here waiting for my flight, the inbound aircraft is exiting. Among the passengers are numerous seeing-eye dogs (with their owners) and people finding their way with white canes. It's a pretty cool sight (no pun intended). I love dogs, and wish that I was home often enough to have one. These dogs are especially nifty, and it's pretty heart-warming to see such dedicated animals making a better life for people.

• Retreat... Ah. One of the puppies (who I learn is named "Denver" from his owner) is sitting next to me. I find out that everybody was on a retreat to Victoria and Vancouver in Canada testing out GPS units for the blind. How cool is that? Denver was given some kibble to tide him over, and I volunteered my water so he could wash it down. He was given surprisingly little of it to drink, however. Though this probably because there's no place for a dog to pee on a plane. Hmmm... and why don't airplanes have lavatories for dogs?

It's Denver! And he's hiding! Photo courtesy of the crappy camera on my iPhone
(heavily Photoshopped so as not to look like a smudgy blur).

• Access... Tell me... if humans are not allowed in the "Starter Override Access Hole," then who do they send in when the starter override needs overriding? Trained monkeys? This does not bode well, as monkeys make terrible mechanics.

Hey! Find another hole, buddy!

• Arrival... Both flights were on-time for departure and arrival? Stroke of luck or sign of the Apocalypse? Though my bag did take a half-hour to arrive at baggage claim, so I guess it all balances out in the end.

• Taxi... Get this. I'm waiting in line for a taxi because the line for the Airport Express shuttle is way too long. After about seven minutes, I finally get to the front of the line, only to have some woman jump ahead of me and try to take my cab! I yell "HEY! THERE'S A LINE HERE!!" to which the woman responds "yes, but I'm in a hurry!" Lovely. "WE'RE ALL IN A HURRY!!" I reply. She keeps trying to open the door on the taxi, but the driver has seen her cut in line and refuses to unlock it. Then the taxi queue guy comes walking up and asks the woman what she thinks she's doing. "I'm very late and there are people waiting for me!" she says. "Yes, but this gentleman is ahead of you!" the guy replies, pointing to me. "HE TOLD ME I COULD GO FIRST BECAUSE I'M IN A HURRY!!" she screeches. "NO I DID NOT!! YOU NEVER ASKED!" I scream back. What a fucking bitch. Had she ACTUALLY asked, I might have said okay... but to lie like that while I'm standing there just pisses me off. There's no way in hell she's getting my taxi now, so I walk up to the door, the driver unlocks it, and away I go while the bitch is left screaming on the curb. I congratulate myself on not slapping the shit out of her for being such an asshole.

• Navigation... Ooh! My taxi is one of those new-fangled cabs with a GPS map in it! Sweet! Now I can see where I am as we sit in traffic!

That will be $38.00 please!

• Hotel... And here I am in my hotel (which will remain undisclosed, because I have learned my lesson last time). It's not The Hard Rock Hotel where I usually stay, but is quite nice. The only problem is that they don't have wireless internet, and the ethernet cable won't reach from the desk to the bed. Bleh!

And now I will climb out of bed, go to the desk, hook up to the internet, and post this so I can take my leave of you. I am meeting friends for dinner, and don't want to have to jump in front of people at the taxi queue in order to arrive on time. I'm courteous like that.

The rest of my yesterday was uhhh... interesting. I've put it in an extended entry for anybody who wants to read what happens when you go off a restrictive diet and eat loads of fried foods.

Today I managed to spend some time at Chicago's All-Candy Expo. It's not as huge as the ISM show in Cologne Germany I attended in January, but it's still a pretty spectacular event if you like candies as much as I do. The coolest thing about the show is seeing the new stuff companies are coming out with, and how candy technology keeps advancing.

Anyway... when you arrive at the show, you are greeted by M&M's!

I especially like the tail-end of the car...

Not to be outdone, Snickers also has a race car at the show. And so does JUICYFRUIT!...

The All-Candy Expo is so big that it can be hard to decide where to start. I took a panorama of the show floor and it ended up being so big I couldn't fit it in a computer graphic, so I took three chunks of it and put them here. It's all candy, baby...

Well, not ALL candy. There are other snack foods there too. I saw a lot of beef jerky. In fact... "you might be a redneck if you own your own beef jerky company"...

And then I saw that Steve Irwin was back from the dead to endorse Crocodile Hunter Chocolates (I've already said how I feel about the deceased endorsing products)...

Some of the stranger stuff I saw was CARROT GUM! Yes, seriously, carrot bubble gum...

And Jesus Candy Canes ("Blessed is he who licks unto Him")...

My most favorite new candy treat was GüdFüd's jelly or chocolate stuffed marshmallows. I can't eat them because I'm a vegetarian and they have gelatin in them, but they're probably the cutest candies ever...

And, of course, PEZ was there. Gotta love PEZ! This time I saw that they have FUZZY PEZ!!

There was also a kind of Pez imitator of some kind. I didn't quite understand how they worked, but I especially like the Human Torch dispenser because of his funky flame-hair...

And, lastly, I bring you the Hello Kitty's Beauty Kit... filled with candy jewelry, candy makeup, and candy perfume...

Hey, heaven only knows that I never look more beautiful than when I'm covered in candy!

And that's just a tiny slice of all the amazing stuff I saw while cruising the aisles of the All-Candy Expo this afternoon. What a delicious way to spend your day.

Today at lunch I went back to the All-Candy Expo to take another look around... and to see Dale Earnhardt Jr. debut his new candy bars.

Not surprisingly, a lot of people were crowded around the booth.

What did surprise me was the name of the candy bars: "Big Mo." I guess that term doesn't mean what I thought it means? A Google search tells me that it's a nickname for his home town (Mooresville, NC) and that his racing team is called "Big Mo Posse."

The good news is that both his candy bars are darn tasty... they're back-to-basics caramel or peanut butter dipped in creamy milk chocolate. And they're a good size too! Dale himself seems like a really nice guy, and comes across as a down-home kind of person (which is refreshing given his superstar status). He even stuck around to answer questions from the audience, which was cool of him...

But the candy I MOST wanted to eat at the Palmer booth? PEANUT BUTTER PENGUIN PALS!!!

Coolest. Candies. Ever.

I would have liked to have stayed at the show for the rest of the day, but work was piling up so I had to go.

After working for a few hours, I took a quick break this afternoon to do something I haven't done since my first trip to Chicago 18 years ago... go to the top of the Sears Tower! I had re-watched Ferris Bueller last week, and was compelled to visit.

I will never go to the Sears Tower again. Nor will I recommend it to people.

Once you get there, they literally take you hostage. You are FORCED to sit and wait 15 minutes for a movie presentation that they MAKE you watch, as verified by a man and his wife who were in line behind me...

HOSTESS: Please enter the theater to watch a presentation before going up to the SkyDeck.
MAN: We don't want to watch a presentation... we just want to go to the top.
HOSTESS: It's a very nice presentation!
MAN: I'm sure, but we are in a hurry and don't want to watch it.
HOSTESS: It's only six minutes long, then you'll be on your way.
MAN: But we DON'T want to watch it!
HOSTESS: We'll get you up there! We'll get you up there!
MAN: Does ANYBODY here want to watch this presentation?
EVERYBODY: NOOOOOOOOO!
HOSTESS: Enjoy the presentation!

And, sure enough, you have to sit there six minutes to watch a video presentation. It wasn't bad, I guess, but you shouldn't be FORCED to watch the crap. If I had a choice of having to wait 15 minutes then sitting through an additional 6 minutes of the presentation... or just hopping in the elevator and going to the top of the Sears Tower, I would have skipped the presentation. To be honest, that's 21 minutes of my life I'd like to have back. NOTE TO SEARS TOWER MANAGEMENT: People don't like to pay to be held hostage. If somebody pays you $12.95 to go to the top of your building, LET THEM GO TO THE TOP OF YOUR BUILDING WITHOUT FORCING THEM TO WATCH SOMETHING THEY DON'T WANT TO SEE! Because that just makes you a bunch of assholes.

Sure the view from the top is nice, but I'd rather go to Hancock Tower, with a view just as good... and there they don't force you to watch a movie. On top of that, but they're $1.65 cheaper and have a better location.

Oh well, here was my trip to the Sears Tower...

The tall black building in the center of the back skyline is "hostage-free" Hancock Tower, where I'd rather go for a view of chicago...

And thus ends my trip to Chicago. I think I'm back in November, but can't remember for sure.

And here I am in Los Angeles on "Talk Like a Pirate Day" after a very early flight out of Chicago.

When I first started coming here for work years ago, I never drove anywhere. I was provided a car and driver, and never much had to think about where things were at. Eventually this got kind of boring and I wanted to make my own way around, so I started renting a car whenever I had work here. For a nine-month period, I was flying down to L.A. fairly frequently, and got to know the streets of the city pretty well. In many ways, it's Los Angeles I have to thank for teaching me how to really drive a car.

Alas, my trips to L.A. were less and less frequent as time went on. I'm lucky if I make it once a year now. Because of that, I don't feel as comfortable driving here as I used to. It's far easier to just schedule the car and driver or take a taxi.

But never walk.

Today I made the huge mistake of choosing to walk in a city where nobody walks. It was only six long blocks, but I could feel the stares of confusion and contempt as people went driving past. "Funny, he doesn't look homeless!" I imagine them saying. I became worried when I waited at crosswalks that drivers who were stopped at the light were going to panic and throw money at me so that I would go away.

But it was a beautiful day. Plenty of sunshine, but not too hot and with a nice breeze going on...

Pretty much everything you want from a day in La La Land.

Except...

Los Angeles is such a bittersweet city for me.

I have great friends here. I remember good times here. There are places I treasure here.

But L.A. is a city that can really destroy you if you're not careful... more-so than any other city I've been to. My "big break" here ended badly, and I consider myself lucky to have escaped with my spirit and sanity (somewhat) in-tact. There are so many reasons I should hate this place.

And yet...

Los Angeles is always calling me in the back of my mind.

Because there are also so many reasons I love this place.

And a part of me just can never... let... it... go.

That's probably a good thing.

There are perfect days... and then there are perfect days.

Since Hilly and I are BFFs in the blogosphere as well as in real-life, we had made plans to spend today in Disneyland. I didn't have any work appointments, so it was a great idea because I hadn't been to the park in a long while. I used to go all the time, but kind of got burnt out on the whole Disney thing, and stopped visiting around seven years ago.

Anyway...

For a reason unknown to both of us, we decided to become Southerners for our day of Big Disney Fun, and took on the entirely new personas of "Hilly-Sue O'Hara" and "Davy-Joe Butler" all frickin' day...

Davy-Joe and Hilly-Sue ride the Grizzly River Run!

We started off in the California Adventure park, where the first ride we went on was the Grizzly River Run. It was very cool and got us very, very wet. The not-so-cool part was when something went wrong with the ride, and we were stuck at the top of the falls for around 10 minutes. Little did we know that this would not be the last time something like that happened.

Soaking wet, we moved on to the remainder of the park... which is actually kind of lame. Most of the attractions are just off-the-shelf stuff with none of the clever theme-work that Disney is famous for. With the exception of "Tower of Terror" (which is missing some of the cool stuff you get to see in the Orlando version) everything is just so ordinary. In my humble opinion, California Adventure is kind of an embarrassment for Disney and should have never been made. They should have worked harder to come up with better, more interesting, and certainly more unique, attractions.

Borrrrrrrrrring!

Though I DID get to meet one of my favorite cartoon characters ever... Sully from Monsters Inc.!!

I love you Sully!!

As we went back across the plaza to Disneyland, we started noticing some very cool things. First of all the weather, which we had heard would be filled with rain, actually ended up being a positively stunning day. All the clouds were gone within an hour leaving us with nothing but blue skies and cool breezes for the rest of the day...

The second cool thing was that both parks were entirely decked-out for Halloween...

But the BEST cool thing about our visit?? NO LINES!!!

Except for the brand-new Finding Nemo version of the old Submarine Ride in Tomorrowland (which is excellent, by the way)... we didn't stand in line for more than a few minutes on anything! The queues were wide-open, meaning that we could just walk up to all the rides and walk-on. Sweet!!

And walk-on we did... to all but two rides we were wanting to visit. The Haunted Mansion was closed so they could re-theme it for "A Nightmare Before Christmas." And The Matterhorn broke down right as we were next in line to board a bobsled. But everything else... from Splash Mountain to Pirates of the Caribbean to Space Mountain was a piece of cake.

Between the perfect weather, HalloweenTime fun, Hilly's company, and NO LINES, this is the single best trip to Disneyland I've ever had.

The only bummer was when we were reminded that Dustin wasn't there joining us every time we saw a churro cart...

And when we finally had to leave as the park was closing at 8:00...

All-in-all, the entire day was some kind of Disney magic!

And now I'm exhausted from walking entirely too much, eating entirely too much, and talking entirely too much... time to drop into a coma.

Where I'll be dreaming of Mickey Mouse and my perfect day at Disneyland.

I finished with work around noon, and had made plans for lunch with the fabulous Suzy Soro from Hollywood: Where HOT Comes to Die! I figured she would be passed out from hunger in the 90 minutes it would take to drive across town and pick her up but, in what must have been a record of some kind, my driver managed to make the trip from LAX to the Hollywood Hills in under 40 minutes!

Once Suzy was on-board, we made our way to the Hollywood dining institution of Pink's for hot dogs...

The line never seems to drop below a 20-minute wait at Pinks any time of day.

Liz over at Everyday Goddess had told me that they served a veggie dog, and I was anxious to try it out...

My Patt Morrison Baja Veggie Dog, Suzy's Chili Dog, and a Martha Stewart Dog for our driver.

After getting our driver his hot dog, we grabbed a table inside to eat. Then, as if by magic, I look up and there was Betty White! Well, not actually Betty White, but an autographed photo... right between Nelly and Eduardo Arroyuelo...

I love Betty! Betty White totally kicks ass!

My "Patt Morrison Baja Veggie Dog" was covered in really good guacamole, then smothered in chopped tomatoes & onions and tasted fantastic! I'm going to have to try making them myself when I get back home.

After lunch we went up to the Hollywood Walk of Fame so we could say hello to Catherine, then went star searching...

KHAN! KHAN! KHAAAAAAAAN!

We also ran across this totally sweet puppy. I wanted to put him in my pocket and take home...

Yeah, it doesn't get much cuter than that.

Once I had bought a crappy (and totally inaccurate) Star Map, our driver took us through Beverly Hills and down Rodeo Drive so we could see how the other half live and shop. From there Suzy and I decided to go down to Venice Beach, where the storm we've been expecting for two days was laying just off the coast. This made for some cold weather, but beautiful background scenery...

More bars in more places... Cingular is now the new AT&T.

The fabulous Ms. Soro at Venice Beach just before the rain.

Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!

After being assaulted by every hip-hop hopeful in Los Angeles wanting us to listen to their music and buy their CD, it was time to head back. I only had the car until 6:00, and the horrendous Friday rush-hour traffic over to Hollywood and then back to LAX was going to tear through that like wet toilet paper.

And so here I am back at my hotel getting some more work done while trying to decide what I want for dinner.

I can't really decide, because all I really want is another Pink's veggie dog.

   
I have a very full day ahead of me... but it's a good thing, for once.

It's Bullet Sunday as I attempt to blog after a 3-hour nap out of the past 35 hours. My time in L.A. was all-too-short, but I got a lot packed into four days... with Saturday being so jam-packed with big fun that I just don't know what to do with myself.

• Lunch! Proving that there is life outside the blogosphere, I met up with a friend who doesn't have a blog (gasp!) for a tour through the geekier-side of Los Angeles' treasures... including two great comic book shops (Meltdown and Golden Apple) so I have a place to go for comics now that Jay & Silent Bob's Secret Stash West is closing up shop. We also went out for a pizza lunch to a place called Mozza where I was hoping to run into Betty White stopping by for a slice (since this IS a Hollywood hot-spot). Alas Betty wasn't there, so I had to make due with Madeline Stowe sitting next to me (who got up to leave after I sat down). Mozza has probably the best pizza crust I have ever eaten... so deliciously flaky that it's almost a pastry instead of bread. They also make one of the most beautiful pizzas ever...

Gorgonzola dolce-fingerling potatoes-radicchio-rosemary pizza!

• Star! I had an hour to kill after lunch, so I hunted down Betty White's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame using the map that Suzy and I had bought yesterday. I am in absolutely no way a guy to get star-struck, and couldn't care less about seeing movie stars or famous people, but Betty White is the one exception (well... maybe I'd add Elizabeth Hurley and James Earl Jones to that list, but Betty is the only star who would probably make me crap myself if I were to ever meet her)...

I LOVE YOU BETTY! Betty White kicks ass.

• Lucky! The fabulous Dave L.A. event was taking place at the Lucky Strike Hollywood, which is a kind of nifty-cool boutique bowling center right next to the Kodak Theater...

Feeling lucky, punk?

Once I got inside, I saw that SJ from Pseudotherapy had already arrived with her husband Bret, at which point I wanted to shoot myself, because I could have been visiting with them instead of wandering the streets of Hollywood killing time. SJ is one of the earliest supporters of Blogography (not to mention one of the sweetest people you will ever find), and this blog owes a great deal to her (and others like her from those early days) for being what it is today. To finally meet her in person after all these years is the type of thing that makes blogging all worthwhile...

Photo by Bret. I'm totally drunk and sweaty from bowling here... sorry SJ!

• Dinner! It was great to see some familiar faces at dinner... Liz from Everyday Goddess (whom I met back in 2005), Neil & Sophia from Citizen of the Month (whom I had met at TequilaCon earlier this year), and of course mah BFF Hilly-Sue from Snackie's World was there. And here's some other fabulous bloggers I met for the very first time that dropped by...

• Amanda from Amandarin's Ordinary Extraordinary. The first entry I ever read at Ordinary Extraordinary was Silence from earlier this year. How could anybody not become a diehard Amanda-fan after reading such a poignant piece?
• The Bombshell from Atomic Bombshell. One of the first blogs I ever read on a regular basis, meeting The Bombshell was an almost surreal experience. Charming on every possible level (not to mention a fellow Mac-whore!), she brought along The Ninja (who owes me another pirate joke).
• Catherine from The Seventh Notebook. Catherine's a relatively new blogger, but fit into this group of veterans like a real pro. She's a fellow Washingtonian, so we had more than blogging in common.
• Foo from Pink Bunny Foo Foo. Hilly's real BFF flew in for the party, and ended up totally humiliating me at the bowling alley with her mad bowling skilz. She made up for it by being the total sweetheart she is and driving my drunken ass back to my hotel. Loves me the Foo-Diddy.
• Peggy from Totally Unauthorized. One of my favorite blogs of all time, Totally Unauthorized is absolute must-read material. As if having one awesome blog wasn't enough, Peggy also runs Abandoned Couches, which is the only RSS feed that's on my Mac's desktop... because no matter how terrible my day is, seeing Peggy's endless parade of forsaken furniture always brings a smile to my face.

• Photograph! I was so busy drinking and talking that I was forever forgetting to take pictures. Here's what few ended up on my camera...

Foo reenacts my Salt & Pepper DuckyButton while Hilly looks on.

Catherine attempting to explain to The Bombshell how cool I am while The Ninja gives me his death-stare.

Whit couldn't make it and asked us to bowl a game for him, but instead we had a round in his honor.

SJ has a professional camera, so she made fun of our little pocket models like this one.

• Bowl! Uhhhh... yeah. Much like an observation my friend made about the effects of alcohol on playing darts, a similar conclusion can be made about bowling. It's made much, much worse by the fact that I totally suck at bowling in the first place...

Everyday Goddess Bowling!

• Homeward! By the time I had gotten back to the hotel and packed my suitcase, there was only three hours until I had to be at the airport, so I didn't even bother even trying to sleep. Instead I attempted to get some work done and whine to myself about how tired I was. As if fate were trying to ruin me, my flight out of Seattle was delayed "due to mechanical difficulties," robbing me of even more precious sleep. But here I am, home safe and sound after a fantastic week of fun and adventure, so I have no complaints.

And that wraps up another Bullet Sunday! Thanks to everybody who took time out of their busy lives over the past week to hang out with me. Hopefully we'll meet up again one day soon!

So here I am in Spokane.

I'm assuming that I drove here, because when I look out my hotel-room window I see my car out there... but I have no recollection of the trip. The 3-hour drive is so mind-numbingly dull that I've apparently wiped it from my memory. Either that, or I was abducted by aliens along the way, and they were nice enough to transport my car here before giving me an anal probe and wiping my brain (or is that giving me a brain probe and wiping my ass? I dunno).

All I do know is that I am so tired now that catching up on blog reading tonight is out of the question...

Thank you Google Maps!

The last thing I remember before mysteriously appearing in Spokane is working on my travel schedule. The funny thing is that I now know where I will be in December and January, but haven't a clue of what's going on until then. For all I know, I'm going to Budapest on Friday.

Actually, that would be kind of cool... I've always wanted to go to Budapest.

This morning I checked out of my hotel and began work for the day.

This evening I checked back into my hotel because work ran later than expected.

I'm thinking that this is probably a good thing, because I'm thoroughly exhausted. On top of that, I'm not as comfortable driving at night as I used to be, so spending three hours being stressed-out while tired is not my idea of a good time. Neither is falling asleep at the wheel, crossing over three lanes of traffic, going over a cliff, and exploding in a ball of fire.

As I was driving back to my hotel, I noticed that there's a full moon out and it looks amazing. It's so big in the sky that it actually looks a little bit scary. I ran up to my room, grabbed my camera, then ran back outside so I could take a photo. Except the effort was all for nothing, because my camera didn't manage to do the scene justice...

Oh well.

On my dinner break, I headed to the Gonzaga campus so I could have a slice of pizza at David's. Afterwards, I decided to walk down the street so I could see what the menu was like at Sonic Burrito. On the way back, I ran across a girl breaking up with her boyfriend. The guy was saying "don't do this... I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Then she dropped the "INYIM" bomb ("It's Not You It's Me) and it was over. Having been in this exact situation, I could totally relate to the poor bastard, and found myself wondering if he was buying the whole INYIM excuse. Does anybody ever believe the INYIM excuse?

Life's a bitch.

Then she rips out your heart and stomps on it.

Gee... that sure sounded a little bitter.

My favorite meal of the day is breakfast. It's the only repast that I really try to eat regularly, and is easily my biggest meal of the day. I thought that this would change once I went on my restrictive diet (which I am starting again tomorrow) but it didn't. Even without toast, waffles, and cereal drenched in high-fructose corn syrup, I still love to eat each morning. The food may have changed, but my desire for breakfast is the same.

Except while traveling.

When I'm on the road, I rarely have time for breakfast, and always seem to end up in some fast food joint eating complete and total crap. Yesterday, for example, I was in a hurry and stopped at Burger King for a quick bite because it was convenient.

Note to self... STOP EATING AT BURGER KING!!

Their breakfast stuff is often stale, and is always... ALWAYS cold. This morning I had disgusting cold eggs with unmelted cheese on a stale "Croissandwich" that was practically inedible. What the hell? Isn't Burger King famous for flame-broiling shit? Why not put some of that heat on their crappy breakfast sandwiches?

I know what I'd like to flame broil...

With a twist of my ring, I flame-broil the Burger King!

I choked the disgusting Croissandwich down, because I was hungry, had no time to go anywhere else, and am accustomed to eating in the mornings. Then I was sick most of the day because the crap sat in my stomach like a rock.

And did I learn my lesson?

No.

This morning I wanted a frickin' breakfast burrito because I thought Qdoba would be open and serving them. But, unlike the SeaTac airport Qdoba which serves an awesome breakfast burrito, the Spokane location doesn't open for breakfast at all. Obsessing over getting my dang burrito, I decided to go to Sonic. I tried eating there once before, but "America's Drive-In" doesn't have any options for vegetarians (apparently, people who don't eat meat are un-American?). But I did remember they had a breakfast burrito, so off I went.

I had a "Super-Sonic Breakfast Burrito" without the sausage along with a Tropical Smoothee and a side of Tater Tots.

The eggs in my burrito were kind of nasty and browned. The Smoothee wasn't blended enough, so I couldn't even drink it because massive chunks of pineapple were sticking in the straw. The tater-tots were cold... and I'm not saying they were "not hot" they were actually cold. Yet another crappy breakfast that made me miserable the rest of the day (and driving 3 hours home in that state was not fun).

I'm hoping I've learned my lesson. From now on, if I don't have time to dine at a proper restaurant and eat a decent breakfast, I should just not eat. I'd much rather be hungry than sick.

Of course, I think we all know the odds of me actually remembering that I learned this lesson...

Okay... okay... okay...

For far too long I've been promising to write about the trip that Bad Robert and I took to Las Vegas a few years back. Well, since I don't have anything else to blog about today, I'm finally going to spill the beans. It's a tale filled with adventure... alcohol... gambling... women... Madonna... and even a little magic. It's the story of how two guys from the sticks, wide-eyed and innocent, took a journey to Sin City that would change their lives forever. Nothing could prepare me for the things I'd see and experience in Vegas, especially once I... I... I...

Hey, wait a minute... why does it feel as though I've already blogged today?

Oh... I did already blog today...

Avitable is taking a week off, so I filled in over at his place.

I guess I'll save my Las Vegas story for another day.

UPDATE: Holy crap! Illeana Douglas has joined the cast of Ugly Betty! Just when I think this show can't get ay better...

Apple released a really nifty iPhone upgrade last night. One of the coolest new features is being able to buy music directly from your iPhone over wireless networks. It's really easy to use, and iPhone transfers your purchases back to your computer the next time you sync... sweet! They've also made some other improvements, like increasing the speaker volume (which was badly needed) and adding some shortcuts to make using iPhone easier. I love that iPhone can be improved and upgraded like this, and can't wait to see what Apple comes up with next!

In celebration of iPhone's new upgrade, I'm releasing some of the wallpapers I've been using on my own iPhone. A few people have been asking about them for a while now, and so I've put them in an extended entry (scroll to the bottom and click "continue reading"). As if there wasn't already enough reasons to own an iPhone, here are twelve more...

But before we get to the wallpapers... here is a wrap-up of the new shows I've seen for this new season, ranked from best to worst...

• Pushing Daisies. LIKES: Absolutely everything. Just like Bryan Fuller's other brilliant shows, Wonderfalls and Dead Like Me, this is amazing television. BLECH: Absolutely nothing... it's a stunning, beautiful, magical, wonderful show (I caught this pilot on preview and think it's the best this season).
• Reaper. LIKES: Everything. BLECH: Nothing. I am so happy this show didn't bite, because the demon-fighting premise is iffy.
• Chuck. LIKES: Excellent cast and premise. BLECH: You'd think a show like this would get the tech-stuff right but, of course, a lot of times they don't. People are more computer-savy than ever, and having stupid tech mistakes ruin the show.
• Torchwood. LIKES: Cheesy goodness that's highly entertaining. BLECH: Special effects pretty poor. And, oh yeah... "omnisexual?!?" WTF?!?
• Dirty Sexy Money. LIKES: Superbly cast, with the always-amazing Peter Krause leading the pack. Everything about this show is slick, polished, and fun to watch. BLECH: It's a frickin' soap opera! The show seems too straight-forward at times, and needs some Twins Peaksian strangeness tossed in to keep things interesting. I can see this story getting very boring and mundane very quickly.
• Bionic Woman. LIKES: Katee Sackhoff! Decent story and special effects. BLECH: When the villain (the delicious Katee Sackhoff) is more interesting than any other character on the show, you've got problems. They had better ramp up the action and keep Jamie Summers doing cool bionic crap or else this show could start to bore me like the non-super-powered "Heroes" which I loathe.
• The Big Bang Theory. LIKES: Uhhh... the girl is kind of hot? BLECH: Everything about this show is totally lame. How long can two anti-social geeks be fun to watch before they bore the crap out of you? About ten minutes.
• Private Practice. LIKES: Shonda Rhimes knows dialoge. BLECH: Yet another medical drama, but lifeless and horribly dull. Should have never been greenlit for a series. Even worse, it looks like Grey's Anatomy is going to suffer because of this horrible distraction.
• Journeyman. LIKES: Not much. BLECH: This is an awful mess that's just not interesting, and the show's pacing is all over the place.
• Moonlight. LIKES: Very little. BLECH: It's a vampire detective show! Just like Angel! But this time it sucks ass! Who in their right mind would put this crap on the air? I saw this on preview and fast-forwarded through most of it.
• Big Shots. LIKES: Cool cast... Titus! Vartan! McDermott! BLECH: Horribly written... who wants to see guys being whiny bitches? These are supposed to be men, right? Because no guy I know talks or acts like this. Lastly, Joshua Malina, who I liked in Sports Night and The West Wing is grossly miscast here.
• Flash Gordon. LIKES: NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY F#@%ING NOTHING! BLECH: Absolute worst show on television (though I haven't seen Cavemen yet). How the Sci-Fi channel could f#@% up so badly on a can't-miss character is mind-blowing. Do us all a favor and put money into a new Farscape special instead of this stupid shit.

And now for iPhone wallpapers...

Saturdays are usually spent working, but I've got two week's worth of dirty clothes piling up, so I took the morning off to wash them. Since I was already caught up on my television shows, I turned on the TV to see what might be playing on a Saturday morning. Much to my surprise, the first show to pop up was Strawberry Shortcake and Friends on CBS TV's "Kewlopolis" slate of girl's programming.

Strawberry Shortcake started out in the late 70's as a kind of rag-doll type character which was used to whore greeting cards and wrapping paper and such. Then, in the early 80's, Strawberry Shortcake and her friends were made into a series of creepy dolls that were supposed to smell like strawberries, blueberries, and such... but actually stank like toxic waste. Now Strawberry Shortcake is back, but she's been updated to a smart-n-sassy, no-nonsense kind of girl with her own cartoon show...

This is cool kewl and all, but there's a much-needed member of the Strawberry Shortcake family who's been missing. Until now. I am proud to introduce the berry latest inhabitant of Strawberryland... the Pimp-Daddy of deserts... Bran Muffin!

Bran Muffin is a boy with a heart of gold who helps out the bitches girls of Strawberryland when they need to make some quick cash. Bran lives in a swingin' rent-controlled bachelor pad in Sugartits Tower in the middle of Chocolate Pudding City. When he's not counting his money, Bran likes to spread a little of his sugar around Strawberryland, bringing joy and happiness to everybody he meets! Like most inhabitants of this magical place, Bran Muffin has an animal companion... his pet iguana named Colon Blow.

Sigh. I really should have a job in children's television programming development. I'm so totally suited for it.

It's Bullet Sunday at the end of a cold and dreary afternoon. What happened? Where did summer go?

• Invincible! Even though it's a couple months old, I didn't get around to reading the latest Invincible hardcover until now. Much like Volumes 1 & 2, Invincible: The Ultimate Collection Volume 3 is amazing. Just when you think that Robert Kirkman can't possibly come up with cool new ideas for his book, he somehow devises these amazing storylines that catapult the series to an entirely new level. Highest possible recommendation.

• Birbiglia! This week one of my favorite comedians, Mike Birbiglia, dropped his new album called My Secret Public Journal and it is (as expected) TOTALLY AWESOME. A very worthy follow-up to Two Drink Mike and his Comedy Central Special. Everybody should go buy it immediately.

• Vista! Microsoft announced that they're going to continue selling Windows XP into 2008 because they now realize that their new Windows Vista OS totally sucks ass and nobody wants to use it. Or something like that. I can relate, because after re-installing and re-activating Vista three times and still having problems, I finally threw Vista in garbage and went back to XP. It's as if every single time I am forced to use Windows, Microsoft makes the experience so horrible that I will hate it even more that the last time I was forced to use Windows. The not-so-subtle irony here is that Microsoft is taking a massive step backwards just as Apple is preparing to unleash the next version of their VASTLY SUPERIOR AND ALL-AROUND KICK-ASS OS, MacOS X Leopard, in October. I LOVE YOU STEVE JOBS!!

• Caruso! The latest advertisements for CSI: Miami are hinting that Horatio Cane (played by the tragically-awful "actor" David Caruso) is going to DIE! Yes... DIE! DIE! DIIIEEEEE! In which case I might actually start watching the show. But bastard TV executives are always lying about stuff, and so I'm going to wait and be totally sure he's dead before I tune in. How do I make a Google Alert for something like that? Because the alternative is just too big a nightmare to imagine...

• Order! I spent the morning filling orders, and thought I'd make a PSA: Just so everybody knows... all orders from the Artificial Duck Store over one week old have been shipped. Prints, which were delayed while I found something to send them in, were shipped out weeks ago. I am saying this because I recently found out that somebody did not get what they ordered. If you have ordered something and have not received it, PLEASE let me know! Thanks!

I'm feeling unbelievable lazy, so that's all she wrote for Bullet Sunday.