TAKE MY MONEY!

Funko is going to release a series of POP! figures from The Fifth Element. Needless to say, I am beside myself with happiness...

   

"She's... perfect."

   

"KORBEN DALLAS!!!"

   

"LEELOO DALLAS MULTIPASS!!!"

   

"The Diva Plavalaguna!"

   

"You're a monster, Zorg..."

   

"We need to find the leader, Mangalores won't fight without the leader."

   

Now... for the question of the day... WHERE IN THE HELL IS RUBY RHOD?!?

Ruby is easily one of the most memorable things about The Fifth Element, and it is criminal that he doesn't get a Funko POP! figure! It would have also been nice if Father Vito Cornelius would get one, but Ruby? Essential.

UPDATE: Apparently there IS going to be a Ruby Rhod POP!... they just must be having trouble with the sculpt, because a rendering has been posted (see an image in the comments).

GAAAAAAHHHH!

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, MARVEL... JUST GIVE BLACK WIDOW HER OWN MOVIE ALREADY!

   

The Marvel Cinematic Universe is expanding in all kinds of awesome directions... but no real "spy thriller" has hit yet. This is categorically absurd given that Black Widow and Nick Fury are freakin' made for this kind of movie. Build up some kind of amazing Mission: Impossible scenario, drop them in the middle of it, then watch them go.

Tell me people wouldn't pay good money to see that.

Today I went to see Spy starring Melissa McCarthy, Jason Statham, Rose Byrne, and Jude Law. Since McCarthy films can be a bit hit-or-miss (Identity Thief and Tammy were pretty awful... whereas Paul Feig's Bridesmaids and The Heat were pretty great), I was planning on waiting until it hit video, but the jaw-dropping 95% score at Rotten Tomatoes and another outing with writer/director Paul Feig convinced me it might be theater-worthy.

And boy was it. As much as I liked The Heat, I'm thinking this is her best film yet.

Susan Cooper (McCarthy) is CIA ops assistant who sits at a desk all day providing support for super-agent Bradley Fine (Law) in the field. But when a suitcase-sized nuclear weapon falls into the hands of Rayna Boyanov (Byrne) the daughter of one of the world's most dangerous criminals, Cooper gets to put her CIA training to the test in the real world. Along the way she's "helped" by rogue agent Rick Ford (Statham)... and her boss Director Crocker (Alison Janey) and fellow CIA assistant Nancy (Miranda Hart).

Hilarity ensues...

Except this is not just a comedy movie with espionage elements slapped on top... it's actually a really good spy movie that happens to be funny. And I think that's why I liked it so much. Melissa McCarthy isn't playing some bumbling idiot who does stupid crap for comedic effect, she's playing a highly capable agent that gets herself into situations that are funny. And, in a surprising twist, McCarthy's weight isn't written into the film as a comedic prop either. No idiotic bullshit like her not being able to fit through a door... or her breaking a chair when she sits on it... the tired old stereotypes are entirely unneeded here and joyously omitted. McCarthy's action scenes show her as a brutally effective spy in every way. As if that weren't enough, they let McCarthy be beautiful! She's a very pretty woman and, though she does go through some funny disguises, she also gets to be glamorous and sexy, which is almost unheard of for a woman her size in Hollywood movies. So thank you Paul Feig for making a film that's not only highly entertaining... but also showing the world that being heavy doesn't have to mean frumpy when it comes to the cinema.

So... all-in-all, a terrific summer movie. I'm really hoping it gets a sequel, because it would be cool to see Susan Cooper again. And since we wouldn't have to have the meek & mild character intro again, we'd be getting the all-out spy action/comedy film she deserves.

And before I go... a promo site for the movie let's you create your own Spy-Dentity...

Getting your own Spy-Dentity is just a click away...

And so the hype machine is starting to ramp up for Ant-Man.

Nice to know that Marvel Studios isn't losing their touch...

"I think our first move should be calling The Avengers" — Ha!

Nice to know the film will be buying into the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It's only fitting considering that in the comic books Ant-Man was a founding member...

Now I'm more excited for this movie than I thought I would be.

I was sad to learn that Christopher Lee had died. He's had some great roles, and has elevated a number of films with his talents... including playing Saruman in The Lord of the Rings and Count Dooku / Darth Tyranus in the shitty Star Wars prequels (seriously one of the few good things to come out of the pre-trilogy trilogy... who else could make a character called "Count Dooku be this cool?)...

He's had many, many other roles, of course. He actually made it into the Guinness Book of World Records, he's played so many parts.

Which brings me to something I've known for a while.

Fuck that Dos Equis guy, Christopher Lee is truly The Most Interesting Man in the World.

If you don't believe me, first of all he has two LEGO minifigs modeled after him...

   
And then, as if that weren't enough, there's something amazing you should read.

Don't let the impending heat of summer get you down... because Bullet Sunday starts... now...

   
• Charity! Before donating your hard-earned money to any organization... no matter how well-known or popular, RESEARCH THEM FIRST! That's what sites like Charity Navigator are for! Given how little charity money is available, it's critical that donations be spent somewhere where they'll be put to the best possible use instead of pissed away by people who either don't know what they're doing... or are corrupt.

THE WASHINGTON POST: The Red Cross had $500 million in Haitian relief money, but it built just 6 houses.

   
• Balls! First of all, congratulations to Serena Williams for her 20th Grand Slam Singles Victory. But it was her sister Venus who was part of the best tennis-related video I saw this week...

So frickin' adorable.

   
• Aw! And speaking of dogs who steal your heart, pull out the box of tissues...

I admit to being perplexed at the ending... until the real ending appeared. If only all advertising were this moving... and effective.

   
• Fletch! WHY, LORD? WHY WAS THERE NO "FLETCH 3?" I loved both Fletch films so hard. I purchased them the minute iTunes Store had them in HD. Of course I have them both on DVD (and Fletch on Blu-Ray... I don't think they ever released Fletch Lives on Blu-Ray).

The first Fletch was probably a better film with a more interesting, complex story... but there were so many amazing funny moments in Fletch Lives (including everything by Cleavon Little!) that I ended up liking it equally.

Fletch Lives earned $40 million in box office on an $8 million budget. That's down from the $60 million box office and the same budget for Fletch, but it's still a respectable haul. Especially when you consider that millions more dollars were raked in from home video. So why in the hell was there no Fletch 3?!? I dunno. Maybe Chevy didn't want to make another one? I remember that Kevin Smith was supposed to be filming Fletch Won with Jason Lee a while back (awesome casting), but apparently nothing came of it. With Hollywood remaking everything in existence, I wonder why Fletch isn't making the grade? It's too funny to be stuck in development hell like this.

   
• Africa! Misconceptions about Africa here in the USA continue to baffle me. Mostly because people keep referring to "Africa" as a "country" instead of a "continent," but there's so much more...

If you are lucky enough to have the opportunity, visit Africa and leave your stereotypes and misconceptions behind.

If you are not so lucky as to visit Africa, for heaven's sake... educate yourself!

   
• Fields! Many congratulations to Maryam Mirzakhani for her historic win of the Fields Medal... one of the most prestigious honors that mathematicians can have bestowed upon them. She's the first woman to do so, and will hopefully break down a few more barriers for women in mathematics. Mirzakhani credits her brother for getting her interested in science. Unfortunately, many girls don't have such inspiration, and studies have shown over and over again that girls are actively discouraged from pursuing math and science when it comes to their education and career planning. This needs to change.

   
Annnnnnnd... DONE! See you next week!

I just saw my second ranking of all the Marvel Cinematic Universe films, and thought it was about time I make my own. Which is harder than it sounds considering that I pretty much love every one of them! But rank them I did, and there wasn't anything truly unexpected to come out of it. Except for perhaps a new appreciation of the original Iron Man film. And away we go...

1. The Avengers (Score: A+). This is the film that came along and made every comic book geek's wet dream come true. Finally. After suffering through the X-Men and Fantastic Four franchises with their shitty stories, weak-ass villains, and nonsensical plots, we get an actual comic book team-up that's worth watching! Joss Whedon miraculously managed to weave a cohesive story that gives each character an equal share of screen-time. And having Loki as the villain was not only true to the comic book origins, but a flawless foil for Earth's Mightiest Heroes thanks to Tom Hiddleston's spot-on portrayal. Add in a jaw-dropping battle to repel a full-scale alien invasion and you've got a film I've watched more times than I can count. And am not done with it yet. Not by a longshot.
2. Guardians of the Galaxy (Score: A+). I held out very little hope for Guardians of the Galaxy from the minute I heard that Marvel was so foolish as to try and bring it to the big screen. I mean, come on... a talking tree and raccoon? How in the hell is that going to work? But thanks in no small part to the utter genius of James Gunn's vision, we ended up with what's probably the best Marvel film to date (even though The Avengers got there first for me and claims my top spot). Rocket and Groot not only made a flawless transition to film, they were essential to what made the team work so well. Mind-bending action and effects, a serious threat to overcome, some of the funniest ideas in a super-hero movie ever, and a faithful take on the source material makes this a movie that's almost too good to be true.
3. Captain America: The Winter Soldier (Score: A+). The first Captain America film took an absurd, antiquated concept and somehow made it work. Beautifully. But now that we've left World War II, how could they possibly bring Cap to modern times and have him be relevant or a character to take seriously? By pulling at the threads of what is supposed to make America be "America" and having Steve Roger's unique viewpoint deal with the unraveling. This film wasn't just great... it was painfully so, reflecting on current events in a way I never thought possible from a comic book movie. As if that weren't enough, we got Falcon and more glorious Black Widow screen time. And Robert Redford.
4. Iron Man (Score: A+). The movie that started it all. What made Iron Man so revolutionary is that it was such a fantastic translation from the comic book... faithful almost to a fault. But what really sold it was Robert Downey Jr. as Stark. Probably one of the most brilliant casting decisions in cinematic history, his performance set the tone for everything that followed. Getting Jeff Bridges to turn in one of his best modern performances as villainous Obadiah Stane was just the icing on the cake. I don't think Jon Favreau gets nearly enough credit for the founding of the Marvel Cinematic Universe... and all it takes is a fresh look at his film to see exactly why he is so deserving.
5. Captain America: The First Avenger (Score: A+). I was beyond nervous for this movie, fearing that a flag-waving super-soldier would translate badly to the big screen. But Joe Johnston made all the right moves and it turned out far better than I had dreamed it could have. First, he was true to the source material and set the story in World War II. Second, he convinced Chris Evans to take the lead role (let's face it, the guy is Captain America). Third, he did an amazing job of reigning in such epic scope to such a beautiful, personal story. Bonus: Cap's costume here is hands-down the best cinematic super-hero costume I've ever seen. A wondrous melding of World War II gear with the iconic flag design that defines Captain America. Sadly he'd get a massive downgrade in The Avengers, but things got much better in Winter Soldier and Age of Ultron.
6. Iron Man 3 (Score: A+). Yes, I gave this movie an "A+" which technically means it ties with the five movies above... but somebody had to end up at the bottom of the stack and it feels as though Iron Man 3... great as it is... should be there. And I can't quite put my finger as to why. I liked the story very much. I loved the action. The performances (featuring yet another Robert Downey Jr. stunner) were top notch. The humor was as witty and sharp as ever. And I was so very, very grateful that we didn't go down the "Demon in a Bottle" alcoholism storyline from the comics (and hinted at in Iron Man 2) that Shane Black could have done almost anything and still got my stamp of approval. So what is it that sets Iron Man 3 below the rest? Thinking about it, I'm guessing it could be two things. 1) The whole Ben Kingsley Mandarin reveal felt awkward and forced, even though it made better sense than the racist stereotype Mandarin from the comics. And 2) The post-traumatic stress syndrome plaguing Tony in the aftermath of The Battle for New York was handled about as good as it could have been in the context of the film... but still felt a bit out of place in the grand scheme of things. The fact that it's completely disappeared come Age of Ultron just reinforces this. All things considered, however, it's still about as good as a movie gets for me and did not disappoint.
7. Avengers: Age of Ultron (Score: A). A great film that could have been genius if only it had the discipline to be more focused... and had Ultron being the terrifying villain he was made to be. But instead the story wandered all over the map (literally) with a series of story beats that seemed way too random... and Ultron never once felt like a threat, even when he was trying to destroy the world. So no A+ here. And yet... still a mind-blowing film that lived up to the unprecedented hype that had been built up around it. The Vision may have felt shoe-horned in (and his cape looked like shit) but we have The Vision! Quicksilver and The Scarlet Witch may have powers that didn't maintain consistency and felt weirdly deus ex machina to the plot, but we have Quicksilver and The Scarlet Witch! And the action sequences? Amazing. The special effects? Mind-blowing. There was just too much good stuff here to deny, and we got the sequel we all deserved. It's just that it could have been better... should have been better... and that will haunt the movie every time I watch it.
8. Thor: The Dark World (Score: B). Truth to tell, I didn't really think this was a better film than the first one when it comes to the character of Thor. It's just that it came together in such a fantastic way in the grand scheme of things that I couldn't help but give it near-equal marks. It was a much bigger film since it didn't have an origin story tied to it, but that was expected. What wasn't expected was the little things that were so perfectly realized that make Thor be Thor. First of all, I absolutely loved how Thor's hammer was portrayed. The enchantment that makes it always return to Thor's hand was just so beautifully depicted as Thor went tumbling through dimensions that I felt as though I was actually watching THOR instead of a movie version of him. Second of all, Thor is a cosmic hero that goes far beyond earthly confines, and we finally get to see that here. And thirdly, Asgardians are in an entirely different world... literally... and though we didn't get as much as we probably should have, I think it was communicated much stronger in this movie than the first film (and absolutely The Avengers)... for that alone, I really enjoyed the film. Yes, the Dark Elves plot was a bit weak and we could have used a much stronger villain, but at least the antagonists in this film were consequential to the story, which can't really be said for most comic book villains at the cinema. And we got more of Hiddleston's Loki... that's always a good time.
9. Iron Man 2 (Score: A-). For the life of me I don't understand the critical reception this movie got. Critics and fans alike lambasted it as a bad film, but I loved it. Great action beats, a compelling story, a fun villain, the introduction of Black Widow and War Machine... what's not to love? Yes, it's probably more "comic book" than "cinematic event"... but is that really such a bad thing for what's supposed to be a comic book movie? I took off half a point because it rambled a bit and didn't seem as tight as the first film... but Robert Downey Jr. once again brought Tony Stark as only Robert Downey Jr. can, and that compensates for just about any sin you can find in Iron Man 2.
10. Thor (Score: B+). Don't get me wrong... I absolutely loved this film. Kenneth Branagh took the mystical side of the Marvel Universe and not only made it work in a way that surprised me, but somehow managed to both ground Thor as a man, yet elevate him as a super-hero. His characterization of the Asgardians (not to mention the stunning rendition of Asgard itself) approached a majesty that truly made them gods on-screen. The story was note-perfect. The special effects... especially in icy Jotunheim... were amazing. Where the movie fails and loses half a grade is the timing. The main storyline in the film takes place over what seems like two days, and it just doesn't add up when you factor in all the things that happened. Loki's false reign as king has almost zero weight when you consider he was on the throne for all of five minutes. Thor and Jane's romance seems even more implausible when you realize they're head-over-heels a day after she hits him with her car. Thor was made mortal for less than a day, and yet he somehow completely changed his views from arrogance to compassionate because of it? Yes, if you can put the timeline out of your head, this is a fantastic film (hence the B+) but I can't help but think it could have been so much better if they had just taken care to show the passage of time so events could breathe... rather than piling them all on top of each other in a ridiculous mishmash of happenings.
11. The Incredible Hulk (Score: B). I honestly thought that Ang Lee's 2003 movie would nail The Hulk perfectly, because he seemed to grasp the concept that makes the character so compelling in the comics during his interviews about the film. Unfortunately, I didn't care for his take at all, and thought it was was a step backwards from even the Bill Bixby television show. The re-boot in 2008 was tied to the Marvel Cinematic Universe thanks to a cameo by Tony Stark, so it gets included here, but a part of me doesn't think it really belongs. For one thing, the ending of The Incredible Hulk was a weak-ass mess that pretty much sabotages the entire flick... which is very un-Marvel-like. For another, Hulk was done so mind-blowingly brilliantly in The Avengers that it's tough to look back on this effort as being the "real" Hulk. Still, it has some shining moments and very good performances married to a decent script (up until the end, that is), so it makes a better than passing grade and is worth your valuable time to watch.

And there you have it. Next up? Ant Man! Which, unless I am totally taken by surprise, will end up in the middle of the pack. I can't wait.

Rainy days and Sundays shouldn't get you down... because Bullet Sunday starts... now...

   
• Carson! This clip is SO good. Makes me realize how much I miss Carson... and how much I'm going to miss Letterman...

As much as I'm looking forward to seeing what Stephen Colbert is going to do in late-night space, I am gutted at the prospect of Letterman closing out The Late Show. I may not be a consistent viewer, but I go on Letterman binges that make me very glad he's around. Until he won't be.

   
• Slider! Before I became a vegetarian, I was a fan of White Castle and their infamous mini hamburgers, better known as "sliders." There's no White Castle near me... I only got to eat there when I went to the coast, so it was a rare treat. After I became a vegetarian, White Castle (and my beloved In-N-Out Burger) were off the menu. Earlier this year White Castle did the unthinkable... they released a VEGETARIAN SLIDER! And I was beyond thrilled. Until I went to actually order one. Instead of a mini vegetarian burger topped with onions and a pickle like a real slider, you got a vegetable patty packed with carrots and peas and shit topped with your choice of honey mustard, ranch or Thai sauce. WHAT THE FUCK, WHITE CASTLE?!? I don't want that vegetable shit with salad dressing... I want a damn WHITE CASTLE SLIDER! To say I was disappointed is a massive understatement. Once again a restaurant tries to do a good thing badly by grossly misreading what vegetarians want. We don't want a vegetable version of what everybody else is getting... we want what everybody else is getting without having to kill an animal to get it. McDonalds totally nailed it with their "McVeggie Deluxe," but White Castle... like Burger King before them... failed utterly with their vegetable-infused monstrosity. Enter Gardein's "The Ultimate Beefless Sliders"...

They're perfect. And delicious. Add some lightly grilled onions and a pickle and it's the slider I've been wanting all along. Except... holy crap are they expensive. $6.00 a box! That's $1.50 a slider! Isn't a White Castle slider like 50¢ or something? All those government subsidies for America's toxic beef industry must be nice.

   
• Kingsman! I had rather high expectations after viewing the trailers for Kingsman: The Secret Service... and Michael Vaughn blew past every one of them...

Such a great movie! It's a smart, funny, action-packed spy thriller with a cast to die for, a really good story, and violence so over the top it verges on comedic.

Following in his father's footsteps, Eggsy Unwin trains to be an elite agent in Britain's premiere secret spy organization: Kingsman. And it's a good thing too... evil internet billionaire Valentine (played to the hilt by Samuel L. Jackson) has plans to wipe out the human race! Features epic appearances by Colin Firth, Mark Strong, Jack Davenport, Mark Hammill, Jack Davenport, and Michael Caine... along with strong breakout performances by Sofia Boutella and Taron Egerton. The film did some major box office action, so I'm hoping for a sequel. If you've read the comic book version, this is considerably different, but not in a bad way at all.

   
• Seventh Son! Unfortunately, another movie I had been looking forward to did not fare so well...

Despite a really good cast, Seventh Son ended up being a complete and total turd. Jeff Bridges and Julianne Moore are great actors that defy all expectations by turning in truly awful performances. And while the story (based on a series of books) had huge potential (an 18th century evil spirit hunter learning his trade), it was utterly wasted in this mess of a film. Fortunately, like Jupiter Ascending, it bombed at the box office so we'll be spared any sequels. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.

   
• Super! When I saw the extended "First Look" for the new Supergirl series, I was pleasantly surprised...

Looks like the team behind Arrow and The Flash have done it again! And then I watched the first actual trailer... only to discover that, apparently, we're getting "Team Supergirl." Which sucks ass. "Team Arrow" I get... it was core to the concept of the show's take on the character. But "Team Flash" is just unnecessary layers of shit, as Barry would have been much more interesting figuring out everything on his own. And "Team Supergirl" is an even worse idea. Why in the hell can't super-heroes exist on their own without some kind of stupid "team" there to constantly steal their thunder? Greg Berlanti and Andrew Kreisberg are clearly out of ideas here, and I wish that they would stop being called in to rehash their same tired concepts over and over again on new super-hero shows.

   
• Toys! Ending things on a down-note... I was sad to learn that F.A.O. Schwarz will be closing their doors come July. This iconic toy store is probably best remembered for it's part in the movie Big, but I'll better remember it as "that one place I visit every single time I'm in New York."

On one hand, I get it... online shopping is rapidly displacing retail shops for things like toys, so profits can't keep up with the cost of rent... but it's still sad that such a special part of New York City is going to evaporate. I mean, damn, 145 years?

   
And... back to my rainy Sunday...

Don't be intimidated by The Biggest Little City in the World... because Bullet Sunday from Reno starts... now...

   
• Love! Yeah. Uh huh.

   
• Carter! ABC has given Agent Carter a second season!

They also renewed Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., which would be exciting if the show wasn't so awful. Who knows... maybe they'll actually do something with it this Fall to make it worth my valuable time. But somehow I doubt it.

   
• Dawson! In other terrific Marvel news, Rosario Dawson has been confirmed for Season Two of Daredevil... plus other Netflix Marvel projects! In the comics, she's kinda an important piece of the Luke Cage puzzle, so it will be interesting to see how they work that into his series...

One of my few regrets for Season One of Daredevil was that Rosario didn't have more screen time. Hopefully that will be rectified next year.

   
• Remember? I didn't read into Age of Ultron the anti-feminist viewpoint that has some people up in arms over how Black Widow was written. I save my rage for crap like this...

Remember the scene where Black Widow drops out of the jet on the motorcycle? Well fuck you the toy is Captain America pic.twitter.com/juefiCqlX8

— Zac Shipley (@zacshipley) May 8, 2015

I'm guessing this is a case of "manwashing" the character of Black Widow so it will better appeal to young boys. Meanwhile, young girls that are into comics and super-hero movies get shitted on. Not that they can't enjoy a Captain America toy too... but come on.

   
• Lucifer! UPDATE: This doesn't look like it's going to be a faithful adaptation of the comic book of the same name, but I'm excited to see it nevertheless...

I don't suppose it's too much to hope that we get an appearance of Constantine in this series now that his own series has been canceled? It's a natural fit.

   
And... so much for bullets this week...

Okay then.

I wrote up my thoughts about Avengers: Age of Ultron immediately after having seen the film last Sunday while I was in Reno. Originally, I was going to post everything Monday, but ultimately decided I'd "sit on it" for a couple days in case I had new thoughts upon further reflection. "Days" turned into a "week" because new information kept leaking out about the film. Information that had direct bearing on my comments.

And so now there are a couple comments on my comments.

Which makes me wish I had just posted everything last Monday as originally planned, because that would have been a lot less work.

But anyway...

I am a huge, huge, huge fan of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

A Marvel movie has topped my list of favorite films every year since I started making lists... Iron Man 2 in 2010, Captain America and Thor in 2011, The Avengers in 2012, Iron Man 3 in 2013, and Guardians of the Galaxy in 2014. My guess is that Iron Man would have topped my list in 2008 (if I had one back then), and it seems inevitable that Avengers 2: Age of Ultron (or possibly Ant Man) will top it this year. These films are a dream come true for a long-time comic book geek like me, and Marvel seems incapable of making a misstep with their various franchises.

At least from the "big-picture" perspective. But I'll get to that in a minute.

Avengers: Age of Ultron is a mind-bogglingly huge film that defies a quick description, so I'm not even going to try. Instead, I'll just reprint the official description thusly: "When Tony Stark and Bruce Banner try to jump-start a dormant peacekeeping program called Ultron, things go horribly wrong and it's up to Earth's Mightiest Heroes to stop the villainous Ultron from enacting his terrible plans."

(UPDATE COMMENT: And the result is going to end up being one of the most successful movies of all time)...

And, for the most part, I loved it.

It's a highly entertaining effort that has some of the most ambitious and mid-blowing action sequences ever put to film.

But it's not without its problems.

Which I get into in an extended entry. Needless to say, spoilers will ensue...

   
Before I begin, I feel compelled to mention that the title of the film is taken from a comic book maxi-series by Brian Michael Bendis from 2013. And yet it's an entirely different story that bears no resemblance to the source material. This is probably a good thing, because I found the comic book a bit uneven. In some places it felt rushed and oddly incomplete... in others it was plodding, bordering on tedious with an ending you could see from miles away. As if that weren't reason enough to go in a different direction, many of the key characters (like Wolverine) aren't available to Marvel Studios, having been licensed away to other companies.

And off we go...

As the movie begins, Earth's Mightiest Heroes are hell-bent on retrieving Loki's magical scepter (from the first Avengers film) and track it down to a HYDRA base in the fictional Eastern European country of Sokovia. It's much too powerful and dangerous to be left in the hands of mere mortals, so Thor is quite serious about getting it off the earth.

Unfortunately for the Avengers, their efforts are hampered by the evil Baron Strucker, who has been infusing people with energy from the scepter to give them super-powers. His only(?) success story is with "The Twins"... Pietro and Wanda Maximoff... who volunteered for experimentation after their parents were killed by Stark weaponry. Pietro (AKA Quicksilver) has super-speed and Wanda (AKA Scarlet Witch) has the ability to manipulate energy in the form of physical blasts or telekinesis. She also has limited telepathy and the ability to manipulate minds by clouding them with a person's darkest fears.

AN ASIDE: I would be remiss if I didn't mention that this depiction of Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch is quite different than what you get in the comic books. In the source material, Pietro and Wanda are mutants... the next evolution of humanity, and developed their powers naturally (UPDATE COMMENT: Except not any more, as it turns out). But since 20th Century Fox owns all rights to the X-Men and, by extension, mutants, writer/director Joss Whedon had to take a different approach. He chose to tie their origin to previous Marvel Cinematic Universe events, and I think his solution was a very good one. Though I sure wish Wanda's powers weren't so deus ex machina to the plot, the whole "mental manipulation" stuff conveniently coming from nowhere because Joss needed a story beat.

Anyway...

Despite Scarlet Witch using her powers to enchant Black Widow, Iron Man, and Thor, The Avengers prevail and recover the scepter... only because Wanda determines that Tony (whom she hates for making the weapons that orphaned her) will destroy himself with it. Sure enough, Stark then convinces Thor to let him run some test on the artifact, which results in him finding out that the gemstone powering the scepter contains a highly advanced artificial intelligence. Thinking this might be the key to powering his plans for a global "Ultron" defense network, he convinces Bruce Banner to help him download the AI. Chaos ensues when Ultron overtakes Tony's J.A.R.V.I.S. AI (which has been much loved since he first appeared way back in the first Iron Man) and decides (rightly) he needs to inhabit one of Stark's robots and eliminate all of humanity to save the planet. To do so, he steals the scepter and takes over Iron Man's "Iron Legion" manufacturing equipment so he can create scores of Ultron Drones to do his bidding.

So far as plots go, so far so good. Whedon got James Spader to voice Ultron, which is about all he needed to do. Spader can read the frickin' phone book and make it sound compelling, so the hard part of defining the movie's "villain" was done. The only thing that rubs me the wrong way is the utter stupidity of, once again, having totally alien technology somehow being compatible with earth-based computers (shades of Independence Day, Batman!). It's a plot point that never works well because it makes so little sense.

And then things kind of went off the rails for me.

Ultron ends up convincing Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch to work with him to destroy The Avengers. Which seems utterly bizarre. Even given the context of a sci-fi/fantasy epic like Age of Ultron, who in their right mind thinks that teaming up with a giant evil robot ends well? I guess an argument could be made that their lives in Sokovia kept them sheltered from every evil robot book/movie ever made, but it still seems a huge stretch that Pietro and Wanda would ignore something as obvious as "never trust an evil robot," even as a tool for revenge.

But trust him they do, so off they go to Africa so they can purchase a ship-load of vibranium from arms dealer Ulysses Klaue to make an invulnerable body from which Ultron can rule the planet. Vibranium also being the metal from which Captain America's indestructible shield is made.

AN ASIDE: Here is where Marvel brings Black Panther, super-hero ruler of Wakanda, to the Marvel Cinematic Universe... even if they don't show him directly. It also sets things up for super-villain "Klaw" (as "Klaue") and his sonic-powers to eventually show up. And while Whedon did it with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer, I still think it ultimately worked. Even if it was a tad distracting from the story.

Anyway...

When the Avengers inevitably show up to stop Ultron, Scarlet Witch turns her powers on The Hulk, which causes him to flee and then tear apart Johannesburg. An awesome battle with a Hulk-Buster Iron Man suit ensues. As does one of the best action sequences of the film. An action sequence so destructive that it makes the world turn against The Avengers. Thinking they need to lie low for a while, Hawkeye flies everybody to his safe house (a farm in the countryside)... which comes complete with a wife and kids. This is a really nice turn for Jeremy Renner, whose character spent almost the entirety of the first Avengers movie being a mind-controlled stooge (which Hawkeye acknowledges earlier in a beautiful Whedonesque moment).

And it's at this point that the movie shits the bed.

Though it's probably not Joss Whedon's fault.

In order to set up future Marvel Films... primary of which is the two-part Avengers: Infinity War, the Infinity Gems are finally named by name. Which is not a bad thing except for how they did it: Thor flies off and convinces Erik Selvig to watch him take a bath. Yes, you read that right, a frickin' bath! Granted, it was a bath in magical waters that somehow allow Thor to access the visions he had while enchanted by Scarlet Witch, but come on! A magic bath? Really? This idiocy was shoehorned into the film so badly that one has to wonder if Joss Whedon was forced to do it at gun-point (UPDATE COMMENT: Sure enough, he was).

More copious amounts of bed-shitting were had as we watch Black Widow share a tender moment with Bruce Banner, who's now her boyfriend... I guess (no clue where this leaves Bruce Banner's long-time girlfriend in the comics, Betty Ross). Which has no real purpose for the story except to set-up even more future Marvel films by taking The Hulk out of the picture later on. But no worries... I'm sure he'll be back in Avengers: The Infinity War. Or perhaps a Planet Hulk film, which would be awesome.

Eventually Nick Fury shows up to give a pep-talk and pull the team together. Which is a good thing, because Ultron has now globe-hopped to Seoul so he can use the scepter to compel The Avengers' personal doctor, Helen Cho, to use her tissue-creation technology to make him that dreamy indestructible vibranium body he's always wanted (assumably so he can survive the end of the world?). As if that weren't enough balls in the air, meanwhile-meanwhile we have Tony Stark jetting off to some secret "heart of the internet" access point called "NEXUS" to find out what's preventing Ultron from gaining access to the world's nuclear arsenal and simply blowing up the earth to eliminate all mankind.

SPOILER ALERT: Turns out it's the J.A.R.V.I.S. AI that's keeping Ultron away from the nukes. Which means Ultron is just going to have to find another way to end it all.

But Ultron will have a hard time doing so without his cool new indestructible bio-mechanical body, so The Avengers make plans to steal it before he can upload his consciousness to it. Which is kinda hokey, but it gives Black Widow some awesome screen-time, so I try to be forgiving. Especially since she succeeds in stealing it so beautifully. Alas, she's captured in the process, but them's the breaks.

And now we go from "off the rails" to "off the continent" as Tony Stark decides to put Helen Cho's empty android body to good use... by uploading Jarvis into it. This does not sit well at all with the rest of The Avengers... especially Captain America... who worry that one insane homicidal all-powerful killer robot is enough. They don't need Tony making a second one. But the decision is taken out of their hands when Thor comes back from his magic bath and uses his magic hammer to create magic lightning to magically bring the J.A.R.V.I.S.-infused android shell to life (Shades of Frankenstein, Batman!). Thus we end up with something not-quite Ultron, not-quite-J.A.R.V.I.S., but something all new... Thor's magic bath vision becomes THE VISION! And one of the all-powerful Infinity Stones bonds to his forehead.

AN ASIDE: The Vision is my favorite Avenger in the comic books. His Pinocchio-inspired "I want to be a real-live boy" story arc (long before Data in Star Trek: The Next Generation) when paired with his super-cool density-manipulating properties, his awesome abilities, his relationship with Scarlet Witch, and his amazing design... well, he's the complete super-hero package. He has it all. Over the years many of my favorite Avengers stories center around The Vision or have him as a major factor. He has links to so many pieces of the Avengers puzzle that he could arguably be considered the key component to the entire team from the moment he debuted. Needless to say I was thrilled that he was being added to the Cinematic Avengers. But a little less than thrilled with his cape, which looks like some kind of nebulous CGI blob. It's so distracting that it sabotages this otherwise cool interpretation of the character.

Anyway...

The Vision is so pure of form that he has no problem lifting Thor's hammer... a test of worthiness that conveniently makes him trusted by the team and an instant Avenger...

AN ASIDE: A scene of all the various Avengers attempting to lift Thor's hammer earlier in the film... but being found unworthy thus unable... is a favorite moment of the movie for me. Captain America was slightly able to budge it (much to the horror of Thor!), which had me convinced Steve Rogers would be wielding Mjolnir against Ultron at the climatic end-battle of the film once all else failed (which would been a much better ending than we got, but oh well).

Anyway...

The Black Widow manages to get an S.O.S. to Hawkeye during her captivity, which leads the entire team back to where the movie began: Sokovia. It's then that they discover how Ultron plans to destroy all humanity since he couldn't get ahold of any nukes... he's going to go all "asteroid killed the dinosaurs" and use the vibranium to elevate a massive chunk of Sokovia high above the planet, then let it fall back to earth... causing an extinction-level event.

Kind of a convoluted plan for somebody as smart as Ultron, but it leads to the best line in the movie when Hawkeye says "The city is flying, and all I've got is a bow and arrow"... so why not?

This is the part of the movie where Ultron distracts the team by sending an endless onslaught of drones against them. Which would be pretty cool... except there was so much going on that it was tough to take in everything you were seeing. Maybe subsequent viewings will make it easier to digest, but I feel this was a bit of a problem for the movie. The action felt more abstract than personal. Something Joss must have felt as well, because he decided to do what he always does to up the stakes... kill somebody off. Which, in this case, was Quicksilver. He died in a hail of bullets while saving Hawkeye who was saving a child during a massive evacuation of Flying Sokovia (courtesy of Nick Fury and a S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier).

It was a Whedon move that didn't really have any impact at all. Partly because it is just so damn predictable of him... but mostly because nobody gave a shit about Quicksilver. Unlike when he killed off Coulson in the first film, Pietro had so little screen time that the audience barely knew who he was. All we did know was that he's fast... so fast he can grab Ulysses Klaue's pistol, unload all the bullets, and line them up on a table in the blink of an eye. Which makes you think that evading a hail of bullets would be a piece of cake for him, but Whedon wanted him dead, so internal logic goes out the window.

UPDATE COMMENT: Apparently I was wrong in thinking nobody gave a shit about Quicksilver. Some people cared so deeply that Joss Whedon got death threats for offing him. Stay classy, internet!

Eventually The Avengers save all the people on Floating Sokovia and figure out a way of destroying the land mass before it can destroy the world. The Vision then tracks down Ultron's last remaining body and evaporates him. So, yay, I guess. It was all so anticlimactic to me that I had a hard time really caring.

Then the team kind of breaks up. The Hulk didn't want to make Black Widow be a fugitive, so he flies off in a Quinjet. Thor's visions have him needing to return to Asgard. Tony Stark leaves to focus on bigger things. Hawkeye goes home to his family.

Which means it's time for a new team of Avengers to assemble... Captain America and Black Widow join The Vision, Scarlet Witch, War Machine, and The Falcon to form Avengers 2.0 (with the help of Erik Selvig, Helen Cho, and (of course) Nick Fury (and probably Maria Hill as well). Roll credits.

Not that Avengers: Infinity War needed any more setting up, but a mid-credits sequence has Thanos putting on The Infinity Gauntlet so he can (finally) "do it himself." Which I'm guessing means collect all the Infinity Gems and destroy the universe so he can impress Death, whom he has a major crush on.

The end.

Like I said, in the "big picture" sense, I loved the film... despite its many problems. It just hit so many geeky buttons in me that I couldn't help but love it.

Though three overreaching problems I haven't addressed yet made it more difficult for me than it should have been...

1) Ultron is not scary or very threatening.
In the comics, Ultron is a terrifying presence. He's whacked out of his artificial mind, and the death and destruction that comes from his insanity-driven rage is a horrifying part of his character. The movie version was positively tame by comparison. Sure he wanted to destroy all humanity, but it never felt as though the Avengers were in much danger stopping him. James Spader was flawless casting, but his Ultron needed more heinous things to do to live up to his legacy.

2) The movie was all over the place.
And I mean that literally. It hops all over the globe at such a breakneck pace that you're left wondering if The Avengers and Ultron have access to some kind of secret teleportation technology we don't see. Even with Tony Stark's advanced transportation, it would take many hours to get from place to place... yet it always seems instantaneous. I like the idea of Earth's Mightiest Heroes actually spanning the entire earth, but it got a bit ridiculous.

3) Too little time for too much stuff.
In the first film, everybody had a role to play, and that's what made it such genius. For the sequel, I have a hard time recollecting exactly what Thor and Captain America had to contribute other than non-stop fighting. The Vision, Scarlet Witch, and Quicksilver were all introduced, but had so little screen time that they were pretty much reduced to cameos. And speaking of cameos... was anybody not in this movie? Oh yeah... Jane Foster and Pepper Potts... except they got screen time without actually appearing. Couple the massive cast with the abundance of time wasted setting up future films and there was barely time enough for this film. Had things been stripped down a bit and more screen time was devoted to the task at hand instead of what's coming next, it would have been a much better movie.

   
Next up, Captain America: Civil War, which is already promising to have a cast that equals or exceeds The Avengers: Age of Ultron. In addition to The Avengers 2.0 team (Cap, Widow, Falcon, Vision, Scarlet Witch, and War Machine), we're also getting Iron Man, Black Panther, Ant Man, Winter Soldier, Agent Thirteen, General Thunderbolt Ross(!), Crossbones, Baron Zemo, and... wait for it... the Marvel Cinematic Universe debut of Spider-Man. PLUS Martin Freeman just signed on for some unspecified role as well. I can only guess Agent Carter, Maria Hill, and Nick Fury will be shoehorned in as well. How are they going to fit an actual story in there?

I honestly dunno. But I can't wait to find out.

Time to update my "Y2K Super-Hero Comic Book Renaissance" scorecard...

The Avengers... A+
Avengers: Age of Ultron... A
Batman Begins... A
Batman Dark Knight... A+
Batman Dark Knight Rises... A
Big Hero Six... A+
Blade... B
Blade 2... B
Blade Trinity... B-
Captain America... A+
Captain America: The Winter Soldier... A+
Catwoman... F
Daredevil... B-
Daredevil (Director's Cut)... B+
Elektra... D
Fantastic Four... C
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer... D
Guardians of the Galaxy... A+
Ghost Rider... C
Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance... D
Green Hornet... D
Green Lantern... C+
Hellboy... A
Hellboy 2: Golden Army... A
Hulk... C-
Incredible Hulk... B
The Incredibles... A+
Iron Man... A+
Iron Man 2... A-
Iron Man 3... A+
Jonah Hex... F
Kick-Ass... B+
Kick-Ass 2... B-
Man of Steel... F-
Punisher... C+
Punisher War Zone... C
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World... C
Spider-Man... B+
Spider-Man 2... A
Spider-Man 3... D-
Amazing Spider-Man... D
Amazing Spider-Man 2... D-
Superman Returns... C+
Thor... B+
Thor: The Dark World... B
Watchmen... B
The Wolverine... B
X-Men... C
X-Men 2: United... D
X-Men 3: Last Stand... F-
X-Men Origins: Wolverine... D
X-Men: Days of Future Past... B-
X-Men: First Class... B