After staying out until midnight last night, you'd think that I would have slept in until noon.

Except this is one of my favorite cities on earth, and I was having none of it. I can sleep when I'm dead.

So I woke up at 7:00am so I could have Bananas Foster French Toast at Restaurant Stanley...

So much cool stuff is always showing up in French Quarter windows... MAKE IT SO, KYLO REN!

Despite the smell of urine, I like an early morning meander to Latrobe Park. A little peace and quiet in the city before heading back to the hotel so I can shower. Again...

Since I flew 8 hours to get to New Orleans, I reached out to a work colleague in Houston to see if they'd fly the 1-1/2 hours to meet me. This would save me a trip later in the year. Turns out they drove instead of flew, so it was 5 hours for them. I still won.

Because I upgraded to the VIP package for the concert tonight, I had to go buy new shoes to fit the dress code...

Then I decided to have a late lunch and not stop drinking until the show at 8:00. I had been craving falafel for ages, so I ate at Attiki...

And drank at Attiki. A great beer called Hoegaarden...

And then drank up and down Bourbon Street until it was time to drink at The House of Blues exclusive "Foundation Room" before the concert. The place is kind of a cross between a gay porn set and a Buddhist retreat...

And now? It's time to get on with the show...

...which I will wrap up tomorrow when my brain is back in my head.

And so there I was with an Alaska Air credit burning a hole in my pocket (because it was expiring soon) and nowhere to go. Rather than lose it, I decided to make a quick trip... somewhere... and get away for a bit.

But where? I dunno.

At least I didn't until Book of Love... an 80's band that was on my bucket list to see live... announced they were playing a gig in New Orleans at The House of Blues...

As if I ever need an excuse to visit one of my favorite cities on earth. My flight was booked the minute tickets went on sale.

The good news is that Alaska Airlines now has direct flights to New Orleans out of Seattle. The bad news is that I have to leave home at 4:00am to make the 5:40 flight to Seattle to take it...

The good news is that once I got to Seattle, Russell Wilson was onboard!

While I was in the air half-way to New Orleans, I got an email from The House of Blues asking if I wanted to upgrade from General Admission to VIP with reserved seating and club perks. The cost? $25. Considering my airline ticket was $520 and my hotel is $160 a night, that seemed like quite a bargain, so I jumped on it.

After a perfectly uneventful journey, I dropped my crap off at the hotel and headed off to my favorite restaurant in the city... Carmo! Their vegetarian Rico open-face sandwich is a taste of heaven on earth. Pair it with their banquette bread, and it's the meal of my dreams...

I was absolutely exhausted after dinner, having gotten no sleep the night before, so rather than head out for some bar-hopping, I decided to go to bed.

At least that was the plan.

First problem was that the toilet kept making noise. A seal must have been broken or something, because water was running out by the gallon. Even with the bathroom door closed I could hear it. The water running was annoying enough that I had to MacGyver a solution to make the noise stop...

That should have been the end of it.

But, of course, it wasn't.

Something... some thing was in my room with me. I don't know if it were paranormal activity or what, but an odd, shifting mass was dancing in my peripheral vision as I laid in bed. I kept looking in different places to make sure it wasn't my eyes playing tricks on me, but it appeared consistently in the same spot no matter what I did, so I chalked it up to ghosts. Or whatever. Unfortunately, it didn't appear in-camera even though I could still see it in the corner of my eye behind my iPhone...

Eventually it went away... or dissipated... or vanished... or whatever. But it was not forgotten. I was so pumped at the paranormal activity that I could not get to sleep and decided to go out.

Where I proceeded to drink way too much while staying out way too late.

Long before I became an actual certified diver, I had longed to dive The Great Barrier Reef. It was just so beautiful... full of color and life in a way that defied reality. Once I became a certified diver in 1986, diving The Great Barrier Reef was at the top of my bucket list.

Twenty-five years later, I finally got to check it off my list.

And it ended up being a bit of a disappointment. Thanks to Cyclone Yasi blowing through eight months earlier, there was significant damage to the reef and, while still beautiful and amazing, it didn't live up to the pre-Yasi splendor I had seen in photos and video.

I chalked it up to bad timing and promised myself that I'd return to Australia one day after the reef had recovered.

Except that isn't happening.

If anything, the reef has only gotten worse since I visited.

In an article I read today, 50% Of The Great Barrier Reef is now dead or dying and 93% is bleached.

I don't know if there's any chance of this horrible situation reversing itself, so I guess I should be thankful that I got to see what I saw when I saw it.

Because you just never know.

So now I'm starting to think I should start being thankful for everything that I got to see when I saw it.

And I try to be.

It's the places I haven't yet seen that's terrifying me now.

Will they even exist when I finally get around to going?

I've been to Pearl Harbor four times... five times?

I've been to Pearl Harbor some times.

Which is why every time December 7th rolls around, I find myself back in Oahu standing in front of the Memorial Wall at the back of the USS Arizona memorial...

Which is kinda nice. It remains one of the most beautiful memorials I've ever seen...

And it beats the hell out of flashbacks to Michael Bay's Pearl Harbor...

Something best forgotten... any day.

I got home in the nick of time.

The weather here is getting a bit crazy.

Kinda pretty though... if you can ignore the crummy road conditions. Looks better from the air though, which I found out as I was flying home yesterday morning...

Happy Friday.

And so... I'm home.

At last.

And my bag is here with me.

No thanks to United Airlines... the fucking assholes.

Never, ever, fly with United.

Much like Janice in Accounting*, United Airlines don't give a fuck.

It all started when I missed a conference call on Monday morning because I had to buy clothes for work. The only time I could reschedule the call was for Thursday, but I would need to be back home because the later date would require access to some design sheets I didn't have with me. No problem, right? I just call United and explain the situation.

Except it ended up being a huge problem, because United wouldn't agree to put me on an earlier flight home. THEY lose my luggage, necessitating all these changes, but it's going to cost ME a $200 change fee plus $450 for the ticket cost difference. I politely explain that it's not my fault the luggage was lost and I shouldn't have to pay anything... but they disagree. Talking to a supervisor gets me a "one time offer" to waive the $200 change fee, but not the $450.

Needless to say, I'm livid.

It costs United nothing to make the situation right and get me home over a situation they cause... there's empty seats... but they don't give a fuck about my situation.

So I regretfully start yelling at the supervisor over United's shitty policy and eventually she finds a flight to get me home in time in an effort to get me to shut the hell up. Which is so damn stupid. Why the fuck can't they do the right thing to begin with? Why does it take somebody screaming at them before they'll reluctantly solve a problem THEY created?

But that was yesterday, surely things will go better today. Right?

Nope. It just gets worse.

As I mentioned, my luggage was lost. I made it to Portland, but my bag did not. So I reported the problem, only to be told that they have no idea if/when my bag would show up. Discouraging, but that's the way it goes. Ironically, I stopped flying United a couple decades ago because they lost my luggage (permanently) twice in six months. Now, the first time flying the airline in years, and they lose my luggage again. Except this time I actually ended up getting it back...

You will never leave my side again, Saltalamacchia!

Anyway...

When I check in for my flight, I naturally tell them I'd like the baggage fee waived since I never got to see my bag the entire time I was here.

They refuse.

Essentially, they blame this on me because I didn't know where I'd be in order for them to have delivered my suitcase yesterday. I explain that this is hardly my fault... that's the way my job works, and not knowing where I'll be is not something I can control... but United don't give a fuck.

Instead they offer me a $25 certificate good for my next flight.

Which I refuse, because I'll never be flying with this piece of shit airline ever again. I mean, first I had to pay $240 for last-minute clothes, now they expect me to pay $25 MORE for clothes I never got to use? Fuck that.

And so I vow to make this the most expensive $25 baggage fee they've ever collected. I will pass up no opportunity to badmouth United Airlines from this day forward. Everybody I run across will come to understand what fucking assholes are running the show at United, and how much I fucking hate the entire United Airlines organization.

Those feelings were doubled when I realized that my bag was not checked all the way home, but terminated in Seattle (despite the guy helping me having said it would be transferred to Alaska Airlines). Which means I paid $25 to get my bag home, and it's not even going to get home. I tied to get that resolved, but the United representative at the gate don't give a fuck either. Essentially, United booked me on a connecting flight home that doesn't exist (the 11:10 doesn't fly on Wednesdays). So I had to politely beg Alaska Airlines to put me on a flight that does exist. But in United's computer, THAT'S the flight that doesn't exist. Never mind that I show them my boarding pass for a flight that obviously exists since I've checked in for it... there's nothing they can do. So I ask if there's somebody I can speak to who CAN do something... only to get an epic eye-roll. She then calls a supervisor and says "I have a customer here demanding that I check his bags onto a flight that doesn't exist..."

"Demanding?" Fuck you. All I did was ask a damn question and show you proof that the flight does exist! I tell her to forget it, that I'll just collect my bag in Seattle and re-check it.

I'd like to say that things get better from there, but they didn't.**

All in all, United provided me one of the worst experiences I have ever had in 25 years of near constant travel. I hate... HATE... the company and everything they stand for. If no other airline can get me where I need to go, I would rather drive through a fucking blizzard than to ever fly United again.

And everybody is going to know it.

*Janice is from This Week Tonight with John Oliver... a show that you should be watching if you haven't been.

**A crappy hotel, another canceled flight, weather delays, winter storm advisory, and a complete douche nearly ramming into my car in the airport parking lot awaited me.

Got out of work around 4am, which was nice. And pretty much on-time. A pleasant change from last time when things ran nearly a day late. I celebrated by sleeping in early, then catching up on work back home.

I decided to spend the night closer to the airport, and headed back to Portland. Partly because I'm familiar with the city and comfortable hanging out there... but mostly because amazing dessert was calling me from the Flatbread Company. In the Summer they have a Maine blueberry cobbler that's to die for. in the Winter it's usually apple cobbler, which is almost as good...

But I'm getting ahead of myself...

Noon. Check out of the Hilton Garden Inn Auburn Riverwatch. Which was a lot weirder than usual. Even though I was specifically told it wasn't. There I was loading the trunk of my rental car in the hotel parking lot when a big black pickup truck comes squealing up beside me. A guy leans out the passenger-side window and is waving a yellow piece of paper. "HEY! HEY! YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO WANT A HOME THEATER AUDIO SYSTEM INSTALLED, WOULD YOU?!?" — "Uhhhh... not unless you want to drive 3000 miles to my house..." — "THIS ISN'T WEIRD... WE'RE HOME AUDIO INSTALLERS!" — "And you're looking for business in a hotel parking lot where people you find probably don't even live in the area?" — "No... we're looking in ALL the parking lots!" — "Um... okay?" — "THIS ISN'T WEIRD! WE'RE INSTALLERS!!!"

12:30pm. Drop by the Home Depot in Topsham to see if they have the towel loop I was shorted when my local Home Depot ran out. And they did! If my luggage goes missing again, at least I'll have something to pack home with me.

1:30pm. Check into my hotel and have housekeeping barge in on me while I'm answering emails. At least I had my pants on this time.

2:30pm. I still have tons of work to catch up on, so I can't really go out... but I'm too hungry to avoid eating. So off I go next door to Micucci's Italian Grocery where they have this amazing slabs of Sicilian pizza I love...

4:30pm. Still full from pizza, but hot apple crisp from Flatbread Company cannot be denied.

Midnight. My new lip balm is Maine blueberry flavored. As a result, the entire room smells like a blueberry muffin exploded. This made me hungry again, so I went to the hotel gift shop to see if they had a snack. I am now eating an entire tub of DIBS ice cream snacks at midnight because it's the only thing they had that sounded good. This is not going to bode well for a good night's sleep... but oh well. What else is new?

1:30am. I write this post then plan on surrendering to sweet slumber. Hopefully.

   
And... that was pretty much it. This probably sounds like I spent most of my day eating, but almost all of it was spent working.

Sadly, no time for pretty pictures like last time.

Today my work took me to Auburn, Maine. A pleasant city that's about an hour north of Portland and one half of the "twin cities" of Auburn & Lewiston.

As I mentioned yesterday, my hotel of choice in the area is the Hilton Garden Inn Auburn Riverwatch. And the river in question being watched? The Androscoggin River, which divides Auburn and Lewiston.

Or so I would guess.

In the many times I've stayed at the Riverwatch, I've never had a room with a view of the river so I can actually watch it.

But this time I asked at the desk if they could hook me up. Since tourist season is dead, dead, dead this time of year, it wasn't a problem...

Huh.

Not quite the awesome view I was expecting.

I'm guessing that it's a lot more interesting in the Summer.

Anyway... work is a long, drawn out affair that will last well into tomorrow. Lucky for me, I was able to escape for a short dinner break. That isn't always possible, so it's kind of nice when it happens. Must be time for She Doesn't Like Guthries!

Guthries is probably my favorite place to eat in the region, and I have no idea how that's even possible. There is no kitchen. Just a couple panini presses and a small stove behind the bar... and yet they turn out these amazing meals. Their Sweet Potato Burrito is my favorite, but everything I've ever eaten here has been fresh and delicious. Magic?

As if that wasn't enough magic, United called and told me that they found my luggage. Unfortunately, since I have no idea where I'll be tomorrow, I can't tell them where to deliver it. Hopefully I'll be able to swing by the airport and pick it up myself... but I have an extra pair of underwear and socks if it turns out I can't.

My bag being found is a huge load off my mind because one of my favorite shirts in existence is inside. And it's not like I can just order another Jarrod Saltalamacchia Boston Red Sox T-shirt seeing as how he's no longer with the team.

And now... back to work.

Get your travel on, because Bullet Sunday starts... now...

   
• United? My chosen airline, Alaska Air, can't get me to Portland, Maine. Usually, this is not a problem... I just fly into Boston and spend an hour-and-a-half driving up. But winters in New England can be unpredictably harsh, and I wanted to get as close as I could to my destination. Delta's total flying time was absurdly long and the cost insanely high. United was much more reasonable on both counts, so I decided to go that route... despite having no status with the airline. It was a huge mistake. I haven't been this miserable flying in a long time. And they lost my luggage.

   
• Seated. The only GOOD thing to happen this flight? There was an empty spot next door, so my OREOs had a seat all their own...

Better than getting crushed in a seat-back pocket, that's for sure.

   
• Rent. Still don't understand how rental car companies think that giving you any car other than the one you reserved is "an upgrade." It's not. If the car you receive is a completely different size, that's a DOWNgrade. And I don't care if you're not charging me for it... this is still not the car I was expecting.

   
• Hotel. My favorite lodging chain, hands-down, is W hotels. Amazing properties that are usually out of reach for my budget... but an amazing surprise when I can swing it. If I can't get into the W, I look for another Starwood property I like... Aloft hotels. They're sorta like a budget version of W, and always nice. Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of them around. Which means I'm usually compromising. My favorite compromises of the moment? Hilton Garden Inn and Hampton Inn. I've been pleasantly surprised by both chains, and started patronizing them faithfully after "regular" Hiltons took a massive price hike. Right now I'm in the Hilton Garden Inn Portland Jetport, and will be moving to another Garden Inn tomorrow when I reach Auburn. After that, I'm not sure where I'll be... but I am pretty sure of what hotel I'll be staying in. When you travel a lot, that kind of consistency is gold.

   
• Water. Okay... it's gold most of the time. Perhaps not tonight. The first thing I do after I've tossed my luggage in the shower is to remove my shoes (helpful hint: tossing your luggage on a bed is a potential bedbug hazard that's best avoided). Unfortunately, I didn't notice that the refrigerator was leaking a huge pool of water on the floor, and walked into it with my one pair of socks. Since I have no idea when I'll see my luggage, I'm now stuck with wet socks that have been streaked with brown goo. Good times. Good times.

   
• Lost. And since I don't have any idea when I'll be getting my bag, tomorrow morning I'll have to rearrange my schedule and head to... THE MALL... =shudder=. Fortunately The Maine Mall has an Eddie Bauer... the only place I seem to be able to consistently find Tall Sizes off the rack. Their clothes are constructed okay, but the styles they have seem to have taken a nose-dive in the past couple years. Hopefully I can find something I'm happy with, because I really don't need any more unhappiness coming my way this trip.

   
And... back to Maine... and sleep.