I live on a rural road with no sidewalks. It's not very pedestrian-friendly, but its home.

Tonight as I was heading home from work, a jogger was running towards me on my side of the road. Since there was a car coming in the other direction, I had two options... 1) Run over the jogger. 2) Slow down until the other car passed and I had room to get around the jogger.

Foolishly, I chose option two.

Foolishly, because as I slowed down the jogger ran by and spit on my car.

Clearly, I am doing this angry driver thing all wrong.

It's on. Bring it.

My DaveToon character, Bad Monkey, was created to be the crazy-ass evil alter-ego of Lil' Dave (which you can read about here). From the beginning, he's done everything to live up to his name... he drinks, he swears, he smokes, he kicks people in the nuts, he smuggles cocaine, he smuggles weapons, he even craps his pants. And, while there's no photographic evidence, I'm pretty certain he does drugs while partying with hookers and porn stars.

And then today as I was surveying the latest damage by Charlie Sheen, it suddenly occurred to me...

Holy crap! My monkey isn't "bad" by accident... his role model is Charlie Sheen!

He's got tiger blood and Adonis DNA! And that's okay.

Because I'm tired of pretending like my monkey isn't special. I'm tired of pretending like my monkey's not bitchin'... a total frickin' rock star from Mars... and people can't figure him out, they can't process my monkey. I don't expect them to. You can't process Bad Monkey with a normal brain.

Charlie Sheen is Winning. So, hello... BANG! Winning! Bad Monkey is obviously winning. Duh!

   
I've to get me some of that new Charlie Sheen drug and sprinkle it on my corn flakes in the morning so I can be winning too. Apparently it doesn't show up on a drug test, so it's not like there's any down-side.

Well, unless you're a fan of Two and a Half Men.

What an astoundingly horrible day. Seriously.

No matter where I went all day long, I was stepping in somebody's shit.

Why can't people just clean up their own messes so responsible people don't have to deal with their crap?

I'm not sick, but I'm feeling like crap.

Probably because I made the mistake of taking a nap when I got home. That never works out well for me, but I was half-dead from the crazy events of the past week and couldn't help myself.

And so now I'm three-quarters-dead and have nobody to blame but myself...

Tomorrow's going to be a fun day.

In television news... Survivor sucks more and more each season because Jeff Probst tries and makes the show be about Jeff Probst. Sorry, but this show is supposed to be about the contestants. Stop trying to influence the game and manipulate Tribal Council to put the spotlight on you. It's not making the game any more interesting... it's making the game less relevant to the outcome. Just announce the challenges, initiate the conversation, snuff the torches, and SHUT THE FUCK UP. Also? Those "Redemption Island What-If Moments" are truly stupid and wasting valuable time we should be spending... oh... I dunno... WATCHING THE GAME.

In other television news... Mr. Sunshine has to be the biggest waste of television talent in recent memory. Matthew Perry, who was not only genius in Friends and Studio 60, but near-inspiring in his guest-appearances on The West Wing is wasted on mind-numbingly boring material. Allison Janney, who's run on The West Wing is legendary, has been given a one-dimensional joke of a character that's about as appealing as salmonella poisoning. They can't even get a guest-spot right, as they bring in somebody with real character like Kathy Najimy, then have her do... absolutely nothing? WTF?

In even more television news... Justified Season Two... wow. Just wow.

In Twitter news... SWOOOOOON!

BROOKE ALVAREZ! Guess I better hose down that goat's blood off my altar and take that photo!

   
And, on that stalker-ish note... it's almost midnight, so I suppose I should see just how big a mistake that afternoon nap was.

Happy Valentine's Day... one way or another...

Sometimes in matters of the heart, it's best to have high-caliber protection.

   
For my twisted valentines from previous years, visit the Blogography Valentine's Day Cards Page!

It's the twentieth anniversary of Twin Peaks! And it's being celebrated with an art show today in Los Angeles. Oh how I wish I could be there.

One of my favorite shows ever, David Lynch's epic story of secrets and murder in a small Pacific Northwest community was about the most fascinating, bizarre, beautiful, and altogether brilliant programs to ever air on television. While there have been a few shows that have tried to emulate its quirky genius over the years, there will likely never be anything quite like the strange saga of Laura Palmer ever again.

"She's dead... Wrapped in plastic..."

Even if the show wasn't spectacularly entertaining, I probably would have still been interested in watching it. Most of the exterior locations used in the series are about an hour-and-a-half from my home. David Lynch wanted to create a series that took a glimpse into the shady underside of small town living, and what he came up with was so convincing that I often felt that I could be living in Twin Peaks.

"My log does not judge..."

The tragedy of Twin Peaks is that it was canceled right in the middle of a massive cliffhanger at the end of its second season. David Lynch eventually released a movie called Fire Walk With Me which was eagerly anticipated by fans, but it ended up being more of a prequel than a sequel, and fared poorly at the box office. Even worse, it did very little to address all the lingering questions from the series.

"There is also a legend of a place called the Black Lodge..."

I haven't watched the full series in sequence since I revisited the first season five years ago, so I suppose it's time. The problem is that I'll just end up getting all sucked into the world of Twin Peaks again, knowing that it's going to be chopped off in middle of the story. I suppose it's futile, but a part of me still hopes that Lynch will get together the cast and wrap up what he started. Sure you run the risk of being disappointed, but at least you get closure.

"I'll see you again in 25 years. Meanwhile…"

Will we see another Twin Peaks project in 2015/2016 just as Laura Palmer promised? Who knows. That would certainly be awesome.

In the meanwhile... there's Fringe which is about the most messed-up show on television right now. Last night's episode approached a near Twin-Peaks-level of freakiness, which is no easy feat. It's so odd to me that J.J. Abrams shit-pile of a mess, Lost, got so much attention and blockbuster ratings when the real interesting stuff is happening over at his other series, Fringe.

Oh well.

Time for some cherry pie and a damn fine cup of coffee at the Double-R Diner.

"Through the darkness of futures past, the magician longs to see. One chants out between two worlds... fire, walk with me."

One of those days...

On the bright side, even heartache means you're feeling something.

And just in time for Valentine's Day.

Annnnnd... I've avoided it for as long as I possibly can. Time to pack my suitcase so I can get up at 3:30am and catch my 6:00am flight.

I really hate packing.

   
See you on the other side of the Atlantic...

GAAAAAH!

Next week I'm leaving the country for a bit. As the clock is ticking down, I've been working day and night so that I can get all caught up before I go. This way, I avoid a bunch of last-minute stress. I also avoid having to take loads of work with me, which is the ultimate goal.

Unfortunately, The Universe is not cooperating, so I decided to bail for an hour and get my hair cut.

I wish something interesting had happened so I'd have something cool to blog about.

Alas...

I didn't get a bad haircut...

I didn't get my ear cut off...

And I wasn't abducted by aliens and anally probed...

   
Nope. I got a great haircut with no bodily harm and no bodily foul.

Sorry about that.

Right now. Right this minute. I want nothing more than to assault a Kate...

   
I know this totally goes against the new anti-violence sentiment that is sweeping the Nation...

...but I've always been an aggressive eater when it comes to dessert.

   
And she totally has it coming for being so gosh-darn delicious.