When the person accusing someone of inappropriate behavior has a history of being wrong (and is a total douchebag), why do people continue to listen to them?

Perhaps because the evening news has to compete with Jersey Shore, so propagating lies, fabrications, exaggerations, and bullshit is considered "journalism" now-a-days. I honestly don't know.

What I do know is that Bad Monkey's favorite feature of the iPhone 4 is its front-facing camera. This makes it easier than ever to get your junk perfectly centered within the frame...

Adding a 3-D camera to mobile phones seems like a natural.

I fear the future.

I've been fact-checked!

First thing this morning I got an email from Bad Robert calling "bullshit" on the meme I filled out on Saturday. Question #55 was "WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF?" I answered with this: "I don't have CDs anymore, they've all been ripped into iTunes. I'm not really embarrassed by any of it."

Bad Robert had this to say...

"Dude! You still listen to the Millionaires! You're not even a little embarrassed by that?"

To which I could only answer "Oh gawd... you're right!"

The Millionaires is a girl-band duo (formerly a trio) that sings mostly about drinking, doing drugs, and having sex with every guy they meet. So... basically they're drunken sluts who kinda sing. And it IS embarrassing that I would be into listening to that crap, but I just can't help myself. I mean, it's pretty much just catchy beats with filthy lyrics, but it's fun. One of their least offensive videos (which is still a little offensive) is Stay The Night...

Yes. Yes, I know.

But if you want to know what the Millionaires are really about, you need to listen to Party Like a Millionaire, which is probably offensive and most definitely not safe for work...

Their parents must be so proud.

And yes, I am embarrassed to have Millionaires in my music collection. So thanks, Bad Robert! Oh well. If you want to experience the full horror, here's their MySpace.

You. Are. Welcome.

Anyway...

Today I had to run to the craft shop to buy some posterboard. Well, they call it posterboard, but it's really just big wimpy sheets of paper now-a-days. It stopped being "board" years ago.

As I was pulling into a parking space, I had to slam on the brakes. A woman in a giant pick-up truck was driving through her parking space to exit through the one I was entering. She waited a second, then honked her horn so I would move. But I just sat there. She can back out of her parking space just like everybody else has to.

This did not make her happy.

She started slamming her fists on her steering wheel and laying on the horn.

I just sat there. Fuck her.

She finally realized I wasn't going to move, so she started screaming at me with crap I couldn't hear because my stereo was on. After a minute went by she finally backed up, then went screeching out of the parking lot.

I guess she was in a hurry to go off and party like a Millionaire.

But seriously. What IS it with people?

All I wanted to do was park in an empty parking spot... none of this situation was my fault, and yet there she was acting like an asshole and blaming me for it. Well kiss my ass, I'm sick of this shit. Be a bitch on your own time and leave me out of it.

People suck.

But the world is ending in five days, so there's that.

A fucking piece of shit named Meredith Attwell Baker took a job with our government as an FCC Commissioner. In this position, she was trusted to make decisions that were in the best interest of the American citizens she represented.

One of the decisions she made was to not impose any restrictions while approving the massive merger of Comcast and NBC. This was a somewhat shocking stance to take considering that the resulting mega-corp would have unprecedented control over what information people have access to on the internet and television. Critics said that this merger would have no benefit for consumers, and would likely result in nothing but bad things. But Attwell Baker shoved it through anyway.

And after the Comcast/NBC merger went through, what did this fine public servant do?

She quit her position at the FCC to take a job as a political lobbyist for Comcast/NBC! And why not? Mission accomplished! There's no reason to pretend she gives a flying fuck about us anymore, she's off to cash in on services rendered!

This grotesque mockery of government service has me once again wondering why American citizens aren't rioting in the streets.

I don't care which side of the political spectrum you're on, what Meredith Attwell Baker did was fucking disgraceful and disgusting. This is such a thorough betrayal of public trust that she should be thrown in prison. But that's not going to happen. This is what America has become. And American citizens have become so accustomed to this bullshit that they're just numb to it all. So things just keep getting worse and worse. Our government is bought and sold every day, and we all pay the price for it.

Yet nobody seems to care.

So fuck it.

I'm going to get a government job approving dumping sites for nuclear waste... in the public water supply.

Then I'm going to quit and get a high-paying lobbyist job with Exelon, the largest nuclear power producer in the USA. Because, hey, they'll owe me one.

What a fucking joke.

Anarchy... it's only a matter of time.

There's so much horror in the world today that we're pretty much conditioned to accept it as normal.

The problem being that it isn't normal, and I'm growing more and more despondent over the fact that people seem perfectly content to let it slide. We've become a society ruled by hatred and fear, and any joy we feel is tempered by the knowledge that somebody, somewhere hates us for what we think... for what we believe... for who we are. Even worse, we're constantly reminded of it. Keeping everybody in a perpetual state of fear is apparently the easiest way to control them.

This was made painfully clear to me earlier in the evening when I got a call from the National Rifle Association...

"I'M CALLING WITH A MESSAGE FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE NRA WHO WANTS YOU TO LISTEN TO A SHORT ONE-MINUTE MESSAGE AND ANSWER A QUESTION ABOUT HOW CONGRESS IS TRYING TO STRIP US OF OUR SECOND AMENDMENT RIGHTS AND--

"I'm not interested."

"IT WILL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE OF YOUR TIME AND--"

"I support gun ownership, and am disgusted that you are trying to scare the crap out of people with absurd threats like this. Nobody is taking our guns away. So no thanks."

= click! =

Now, he could have called and said "I'm with the NRA, and I'm calling to ask for your support as we work to ensure Second Amendment rights are protected for all Americans." But oh no... the asshole had to call and say "THEY'RE COMING TO TAKE YOUR GUNS AND STRIP YOU OF YOUR RIGHTS! BOOGAH BOOGAH BOOGA!!!"

Well fuck that. And fuck the NRA for being such fear-mongering dicks. While the particulars surrounding gun ownership will always be debated, there's not going to be a repeal of the Second Amendment when the majority of Americans support it. And how do I know the majority of American's support it? Oh... IT'S ON THE NRA'S FUCKING WEBSITE!

I suppose now I'm going to get a call from the anti-gun lobby saying "THE NRA WANTS TO FORCE YOUR KIDS TO CARRY GUNS IN SCHOOL!" or some other fear-encrusted bullshit.

It never ends.

And here I thought somebody telling me my handwriting was "stupid" because I don't drop the descenders on my p's and g's and y's and q's was the worst thing that could happen today...

... but instead I had to be reminded that the world sucks ass.

And that sucks ass.

   
P.S. My handwriting is terrible because I don't hand-write a lot. I mostly type on a computer. And when I do write, it's usually in all-caps. Sometimes I have to use lower-case letters, but I still like everything to fit between the lines on a paper so I move up all the letters that have descenders on them. Is that so wrong?

"WHY DID YOU PULL IN SO CLOSE?!?? she screamed over the train siren.

"BECAUSE I NEED GAS, AND SINCE YOU PULLED UP BETWEEN PUMPS, THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN REACH MY CAR WITH THE HOSE!" I screamed back.

"BUT NOW I CAN'T PULL OUT!!!" she yelled, pumping gas with one hand while putting her free hand on her hip in disgust.

"DOESN'T YOUR CAR GO IN REVERSE? IF IT DOESN'T, MAYBE YOU SHOULD PARK IN FRONT OF ONE PUMP INSTEAD OF TWO NEXT TIME!" I said, rolling my eyes into the back of my head.

"YOU DON'T GO TELLING ME HOW TO PARK!" she bellowed, wagging her finger at me.

"♬ FEELINGS! NOTHING MORE THAN FEELINGS! TRYING TO FORGET MY FEELINGS...
OF LOOOOOOOOVE!! ♬"

"YOU SHOULD HAVE WAITED BEFORE BLOCKING ME IN!" Now she's really mad. I guess nobody appreciates Morris Albert anymore?

"♬ FEEEEEELINGS! WHOA OH OH FEEEEEELINGS! ♬"

I'm sure everybody at the mini mart thought I was crazy, but singing "Feelings" at the top of my lungs was the only thing I could think of to keep me from telling this stupid bitch to go fuck herself.

I finished filling up my tank, grabbed my receipt, hopped in my car, then pulled away. She was still filling up her gas-guzzling SUV as I was pulling out of the parking lot. I'd like to say that she got to leave without learning how to drive in reverse, but another car was pulling in right after me.

It's stupid crap like this day after day that makes me want to stick my head in an oven.

Or sing "Feelings."

One or the other.

It's now 2:00am. As I have dozens of friends in Japan, I've been staying awake scouring the internet for information on what might be happening. Since communications have been interrupted or cut-off, only a handful have gotten the word out that they are okay. The news makes it sound as though Tokyo is just shaken, but eyewitness reports from the city tell another story. Some buildings are badly damaged or even collapsing. Traffic is at a standstill. People have been seriously hurt from falling furniture or debris.

And then there's the Miyagi prefecture north of Tokyo which is under siege by tsunami. The images are horrific and heartbreaking. I know of a family living in a small city south of Sendai, where the damage has been extensive. I have no idea what's happening with them. All I can do is hope that they are okay.

I sit here waiting, and the dread is starting to pile up.

Partly because I know that a lot of people have lost their lives today. Partly because tens of thousands of people are most certainly unaccounted for. Partly because my friends undoubtedly have family and friends they can't reach. Partly because people are going to be rebuilding their lives during a world-wide recession. Partly because the effects from such tragic events will take years... if not decades... to recover from.

But my dread mostly comes from wondering how the evil fucking people on this earth are going to take advantage of this terrible situation.

Is Pat Robertson or some other opportunistic piece of shit asshole going to go on television and say that the earthquake is the fault of the Japanese people because they're not Christian enough? Because they don't condemn homosexuality strongly enough? Because they have temples built by faiths that don't have Jesus in them?

Given Robertson's reprehensible remarks about Haiti, New Orleans, and a multitude of other people and places, I suppose it's inevitable that he attack the Japanese as well. I guess this is how he makes his "followers" feel superior so they'll send him money for his "ministry." Send Pat Robertson money to do "God's work" and God will spare you from a fate worse than the evil people being punished in the news today.

People suffering in the midst of great tragedy deserve more than to be vilified and crucified by some crazy-ass piece of shit with a false-prophet complex who claims he speaks for God. This evil, manipulative, disgusting, vile, lying bastard can't die and go to his "hell" fast enough.

So we can move on to an even more evil, manipulative, disgusting, vile, lying bastard.

Because the opportunity to exploit tragedy for money never seems to go out of style.

UPDATE: Now this is how a religious leader should react... as a voice of compassion...

Dharamsala, H.P., India, 12 March 2011 - In a letter sent on 12 March to H.E. Naoto Kan, the Prime Minister of Japan, His Holiness the Dalai Lama expressed his shock and sadness on hearing the news of yesterday's earthquake and subsequent tsunami in Japan. His Holiness offered his prayers for those who have lost their lives and offered his sympathy and condolences to their families and others affected by it. He expressed that we must all be grateful that the Japanese Government's disaster preparedness measures have prevented the death and destruction from being much worse. Finally, as a Buddhist monk who daily recites the Heart Sutra, His Holiness felt it would be very good if Japanese Buddhists were to recite the Heart Sutra on this occasion. Such recitation may not only be helpful for those who have lost their precious lives, but may also help prevent further disasters in the future. Prayers to recite the Heart Sutra one hundred thousand times were being organized in Dharamsala for this purpose.

   
More crazy Pat Robertson crap on Blogography...
August 23, 2005. I try to figure out why Pat Robertson is such a fucking moron.
January 6, 2006. I tell Pat Robertson to shut the fuck up.
June 25, 2007. I surmise that it's actually Pat Robertson who is a tool of the devil.
January 10, 2010. I wonder how people allow themselves to be manipulated by the clinically insane.
December 23, 2010. I consider therapy because Pat Robertson actually said something lucid and intelligent.

I live on a rural road with no sidewalks. It's not very pedestrian-friendly, but its home.

Tonight as I was heading home from work, a jogger was running towards me on my side of the road. Since there was a car coming in the other direction, I had two options... 1) Run over the jogger. 2) Slow down until the other car passed and I had room to get around the jogger.

Foolishly, I chose option two.

Foolishly, because as I slowed down the jogger ran by and spit on my car.

Clearly, I am doing this angry driver thing all wrong.

"Dude, that's pretty fucked up. She's the worst person ever."

Ordinarily, I tend to ignore hyperbole. Exaggeration is such a huge part of everybody's vocabulary now-a-days that you pretty much have to. Not that you can really blame people. When you're inundated by sensationalism in movies, television, music, advertising, and the news, it's only natural that it's going to migrate to everyday conversation. This can sometimes make it difficult to accurately gauge the severity of a situation, but it certainly makes a phone call a heck of a lot more entertaining.

And yet there are some people who are not prone to hyperbole at all.

Like my friend Sam.

So when he declares that somebody is "the worst person ever" it gets my attention.

And who is this woman who has become the subject of his ire? Sarah Palin? Judge Judy? Ann Coulter? Hillary Clinton? Nancy Grace? Michelle Malkin? Elisabeth Hasselbeck? Paula Deen? Tyra Banks? Martha Stewart? Paula Abdul?

No. None of the obvious suspects. Turns out it was Cathy Cruz Marrero.

"Who the fuck is Cathy Cruz Marrero?" I ask.

"She's that dumbass that fell into a fountain while texting," Sam says, his words dripping with a loathing usually reserved for telemarketers, mimes, and serial-murderers. "She's hiring an attorney because she feels humiliated that the surveillance video of her was put on YouTube..."

"Soooo... she was a dumbass, and now she wants to get paid for it?" I inquire, trying to use a tone that won't escalate the conversation.

"YES!! NOBODY EVEN KNEW WHO SHE WAS UNTIL SHE STARTED TALKING TO THE PRESS!" Sam screams. "Why can't she just laugh it off like any normal person would and consider it a lesson learned? Why is she fucking suing people for her stupidity? Worst person ever."

"Yeah, I can see where tha--"

"WORST PERSON EVER! EHHHHHHVEEEEEEERRRR!!!" I hear Sam screech into the phone. "She DESERVES to feel humiliated!"

   
And so she does.

It's things like this that make me wonder if there's no limit to people's shame or lack of personal responsibility. This woman claims that mall security should have dropped everything and come running to make sure she was okay when she fell into the fountain (instead of standing around laughing). Well, WATCH THE VIDEO, MORON! You hopped out of that fountain almost immediately, then walked off. Obviously you were okay, so there was nothing more to do except stand around and laugh at your stupid ass. I'm sure if you laid there unmoving face-down in the water, their reaction would have been completely different. But that didn't happen. Your ridiculous antics were entirely your own fault, the mall doesn't owe you a damn thing for being a dumbass, and your humiliation is entirely your own fault. So suck it up and stop being the worst person ever.

Because if Sam says it from the bottom of his hyperbole-free heart, that's exactly who you are*

*Hitler and sharks notwithstanding, I'm sure.

What the deuce?

As anybody who has read Blogography for any amount of time already knows, I positively loathe Pat Robertson. The bastard is bat-shit crazy, and regularly says stuff so outrageous that you have to question his sanity. Except I don't question anything. I know he's insane.

He's so insane that I put him at the very top of my "Are You Insane?" self-diagnosis chart back in 2006...

And "crazy" is the least of his sins. In January of this year, I wrote "It's not just that Pat Robertson is a stupid, hypocritical, uncaring, opportunistic, lying piece of shit, it's that he's just plain evil." This was in response to him saying the Haitian people made a pact with the devil in order to end French colonization, and that's why God decided to devastate the country with an earthquake. Like I said, evil. He's right up there with Nancy Grace and Ann Coulter...

Then today something astounding happened.

Pat Robertson took a time out from being an evil lunatic, and actually had a moment of lucidity...

Like I said, what the deuce?

Much like Pat Robertson, I don't condone drug use. I honestly think it leads to more problems than it will ever solve for the vast majority of the population. But, so long as people don't abuse it by driving while high... and so long as they smoke their marijuana in the privacy of their own home where I don't have to inhale it... who gives a shit? Should we really be spending billions of dollars to incarcerate those who would rather get high off pot than drunk off alcohol? If people want to get high and aren't harming anybody else, then they should be able to do that. It's called "freedom."

And who knows? Not only might the legalization of marijuana save us on prison costs... it might also save us tons of money in the "war on drugs." Maybe if people can get legally high, they won't have a need to turn to harsher drugs that are harmful. That would be swell.

And let me tell you... if pot were legal, I'd be buying some right now.

That's about the only way I can deal with the fact that I am actually agreeing with something that Pat Robertson said.

When it comes to repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell, my personal opinion is that this is a good thing. People who do us the honor of serving in this country's military deserve to serve as who they are. But I'm not in the military, have never been in the military, and don't plan on serving in the military in the future, so my opinion has always been based on my personal belief of "respect an equality for all" rather than any kind of practical knowledge. And yet... all the people I've talked to who are in the military seem to feel the same way. So, yay, it's time to move on.

And yet the opinion of those serving in the military TODAY has been shoved aside by opportunist politicians catering to their homophobic voter base...

Original Senator John McCain photo by Wigwam Jones via Flickr

Which is disheartening because the attitudes of crotchety old men like John McCain isn't keeping up with the progressive attitudes of modern society...

Fortunately, this country is moving forward despite those who would hold us back.

Sometimes.

Unfortunately this is not always the case. This country seems to have a history of shitting all over those who would serve to protect us... and, just when you think things are changing, something comes along to prove you wrong. Like the politician assholes who are currently working to filibuster the Ground Zero First Responder Health Bill. Or assholes like (surprise!) Senator John McCain who thinks the lives of our heroes is some kind of game.

I am trying... desperately trying... to understand the mindset that would cause somebody to deny much-needed monies for health care to those who risked their lives to save others when this country was attacked. The most common complaint was something like: "Well, that's what they're paid to do! They signed up for a dangerous job and are now crying for more money TO DO THEIR JOB? We shouldn't have to pay for that! I wish somebody would give ME a bonus for doing MY job!"

Give me a fucking break.

YOU TAKE CARE OF THOSE WHO TAKE CARE OF YOU!

There's nothing more to be said. Because if you don't take care of those whose job is to selflessly save lives, GUESS WHAT? Nobody is going to save lives! These heroes accept that they could die doing their job. They know that what they do is dangerous, yet choose do it any way. The least we can do is make sure their sacrifice doesn't ruin the rest of their lives if they should be fortunate enough to survive their service.

And now that first responders continue to suffer horrendous long-term respiratory problems and other health issues from being exposed to the wreckage of Ground Zero, they need to be taken care of when their insurance and worker's comp runs out. Again, it's the least... the very least... we can do for those who boldly go where angels fear to tread. So a bill was drafted, money was found by closing a tax loophole on foreign companies with U.S. subsidiaries, and all we needed to do was pass it. Sure it's expensive, but you do what you gotta do when it comes time to take a stand for what is right. You find a way and you do the right thing.

Except a bunch of asshole politicians think the lives of our heroes really is a game and decided that filibustering for political gain was more important than doing what is right. Despite an impassioned plea for them to do just that...

And so heroic first-responders are left hanging for no other reason except they're apparently not politically important enough to be worth saving. At least until it's politically advantageous to do so. Or some unfathomable tragedy befalls us and it comes time for them to have to run in and save our ungrateful asses.

Typical. So mind-bogglingly typical. Just politics as usual in Washington DC.

If only there was a way to mark all these politicians as "not worth saving" when tragedy pays a visit to their house...
Alexander (R-TN), Barrasso (R-WY), Bennett (R-UT), Bond (R-MO), Brown (R-MA), Bunning (R-KY), Burr (R-NC), Chambliss (R-GA), Coburn (R-OK), Cochran (R-MS), Collins (R-ME), Corker (R-TN), Cornyn (R-TX), Crapo (R-ID), DeMint (R-SC), Ensign (R-NV), Enzi (R-WY), Graham (R-SC), Grassley (R-IA), Gregg (R-NH), Hatch (R-UT), Hutchison (R-TX), Inhofe (R-OK), Isakson (R-GA), Johanns (R-NE), Kirk (R-IL), Kyl (R-AZ), LeMieux (R-FL), Lugar (R-IN), McCain (R-AZ), McConnell (R-KY), Murkowski (R-AK), Reid (D-NV), Risch (R-ID), Roberts (R-KS), Sessions (R-AL), Shelby (R-AL), Snowe (R-ME), Thune (R-SD), Vitter (R-LA), Voinovich (R-OH), Wicker (R-MS).

What repugnant pieces of shit.

Without regard to their own safety, there were people who worked tirelessly to search for survivors and help where needed when America was in its darkest hour. Now it's their turn. Their darkest hour has arrived. These people are facing health crises and financial ruin as a direct result of their service. It's time to return the favor and help them now that they need us. It's time to do what's right.