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2012

Posted on Saturday, June 5th, 2010

Dave!Nobody can see every movie ever released, so when they declare a film to be "the worst movie ever," what they are actually saying is that it's "the worst movie I've ever seen." Still, given the number of movies out there, this is still a pretty bold statement.

To me, the worst movie ever used to be a Renny Harlin flick called Born American. The tagline on the posters was "Freedom is just a word...until you lose it." It was a Reagan-era flag-waver about three college students vacationing in Finland who decide to cross the Russian border as a joke. Unfortunately for them, they are spotted by the Russian army. They then get captured and tortured as suspected spies... something they consider unjust because they're Americans, dammit! Eventually they escape and, in the process, kill people and destroy a Russian town. The movie was utter shit and made no sense. It was meant to portray Soviet Russia as a nation of monsters, but the only monsters in the film were the Americans. Can you imagine if the situation were reversed and it was the Russians who were caught on American soil blowing up towns and killing people circa 1986? But movie audiences are stupid, so it was easy to cover massive gaps of logic with patriotic "Russia is evil" rhetoric. Born Americans was so bad it made me embarrassed to be American.

But that was then.

Now a new movie has taken its place... Rolland Emmerich's 2012.

2012 Movie Poster

Worst. Movie. Ever. Truly excrement on just about every level. First of all, it's a film made for idiots. This is not necessarily a bad thing, because even intelligent people can have great fun turning off their brain and enjoying a stupid flick. Heck, there are a lot of stupid movies I really like. But 2012 goes so far beneath stupid that it's fucking insane.

Heaven only knows I wasn't expecting much, but I was hopeful. Sure Emmerich unleashed such turds as 10,000 BC and Universal Soldier and The Day After Tomorrow and that shitty Godzilla remake. But he also did Stargate, which I liked quite a lot.

And yet nothing could prepare me for just how awful this film could be.

Yes, the special effects were stunning in places... breathtaking even... but the story and events were positively asinine. Oh noes! The earth's core is heating up and the world is going to end! Let's pile up catastrophic spectacles and wild-ass coincidences and see if anybody notices that it's all window dressing bullshit!

What's truly perplexing is that 2012 managed to attract some real talent... actors like John Cusack, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Amanda Peet, Thandie Newton, Oliver Platt, Danny Glover, and even Dr. Phlox(!). But it doesn't matter. Even the best actors on earth couldn't save this steamer. Events are so contrived and manipulative, that it feels like you're being force-fed a load of bullshit. And while I could give a dozen examples to illustrate this, the most offensive is the cracks that open up as the earth goes into spasm. They always... always crack across that "perfect spot." Like EXACTLY BETWEEN the fingers of God and Adam in Michelangelo's famous painting in the Sistine Chapel ..

Sistine Chapel Stupidity 2012

In some films, this might be interpreted in a number of ways. The original painting has God giving life to man. So maybe this is symbolic of man's abandonment of God, creating a rift between them. Or maybe it's meant to be ironic... the painting depicts God giving life to man, now all mankind is facing extinction. Or perhaps it's allegory for religion in general, illustrating that even God can't help you when the world ends. Etc. Etc.

But attributing such deep thought to anything in 2012 would be absurd.

I know this because earlier in the film, Amanda Peet is shopping with her boyfriend when he says something cheesy and ridiculous like "I don't know honey... I feel like there's something pulling us apart..." just before a crack opens up directly between them...

Supermarket Stupidity in 2012

Yes. This movie is that fucking stupid.

But even that's not the reason I loathe the film so vehemently.

As I said, this film was made for idiots. And because idiots don't have the intelligence to think for themselves or figure things out on their own, filmmakers like Roland Emmerich have to design their films to appeal to the lowest common denominator. They insert obvious clues in order to tell the audience how they should think, feel, and react. More often than not, these clues come in the form of a character. Somebody in the film whose only purpose is to help an audience of idiots know when to laugh, cry, get mad, or be scared. A douchebag moron to spell it all out.

In the case of 2012, we get this piece of shit...

Fucking Douchebag in 2012

First it's the "Oh no, we're doomed!" look. Then the "Hooray, we're saved!" elation. It's so pathetic and absurd that seeing it makes me want to punch somebody in the face. Starting with this asshole...

I hate characters like this. Fucking HATE THEM!

And yet they're becoming more and more common in movies... and more and more blatant in their manipulations. It's getting so bad that pretty soon movie directors will just add subtitles which say things like "THIS IS SAD SO YOU SHOULD CRY NOW" and "THIS SCENE IS WHERE YOU GET ANGRY" and "THIS CHARACTER IS A BAD GUY."

Which is pretty much what 2012 is all about. Telegraphing audience instructions with blatant eye candy and shameless manipulation for no practical purpose... including entertainment.

The Blogography Movie Rating System...

Blogography Movie Rating

Which brings us to...

Dave2 rating for 2012 (2009) — Bomb!Bomb!Bomb!Bomb!Bomb!Bomb!Bomb!

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Categories: Movies 2010Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. I agree that it felt like I was being force-fed every 2012 prediction I had heard of from the Discovery channel. Actually, the whole movie, sans the actors, had pretty much already been done on the Discovery channel in various ways.

    But the cracking of the Sistine Chapel between gOD and Adam made me LOL in the movie theatre. I still chuckle about it.

  2. Sybil Law says:

    So, I’m not sure I understand.. do *not* see this movie?!

    Haha

    Sounds awful!
    :P

  3. Crail00 says:

    Watched it and suffered through it. Totally agree with every aspect of your review.

  4. Kerri Anne says:

    While I would typically agree with your “worst movie ever” vs. “worst movie I’ve ever seen” premise, when I’m talking about The Wicker Man (the 2006 version, though if the plot is the same, I’m sure my opinion of the original version is as well) I really AM talking about the worst movie EVER, as in: If anyone has ever seen The Wicker Man I wouldn’t believe that they a) liked it; b) thought it wasn’t the worst movie EVER; c) didn’t want to punch someone in the face after watching it; d) ALL OF THE ABOVE.

    The crazy stupid plot + Nicolas Cage + the crazy stupid plot + THE BEES! + the crazy stupid plot = a perfect storm of suck.

    I do agree that 2012 was the biggest waste of cinematic time I’ve spent in 2010, though my favorite part about bad movies is how hilarious they can be. For example: the parts of 2012 where John Cusack & Co. continued to out-fly the environmental apocalypse? I could not stop laughing. Also: Woody Harrelson’s mountain man meets conspiracy theorist radio host character? Sort of genius. In a horribly hilarious sort of way.

    In the best worst cases a movie will be so bad it’s actually good, and I might actually end up watching it three times over one summer. See also: Blue Crush. Also so bad it’s good? The Wraith. No, really. You should totally watch it.

    This reminds me, did you do a review of MacGruber? Because while I certainly thought points of that movie were (no doubt intentionally) over the top, I laughed so hard I cried.

    • Dave2 says:

      Yes, but the original “Wicker Man” had Britt Ekland naked in it! I never saw the remake, but the original was an art-horror-film, and wasn’t really mean to be viewed as a film with a proper plot and such.

      And, while usually I could agree with “so bad it’s good”… I can’t say this in the case of “2012”… it’s just beyond bad. Add in the moron I extracted above, and it is irredeemable.

      “Blue Crush” on the other hand, was fairly entertaining to me. Yes, it falls short of cinematic genius, but I did like it (and own it on DVD!).

      And maybe I’m thinking of a different film, but “The Wraith” – starring Charlie Sheen was definitely so bad it’s good… in kind of a retro 80’s way (PLUS it was based on a true story!). And, I have to admit, I thought the plot was kind of cool.

      As for MacGruber… GREATEST MOVIE EVER!! Almost.

  5. You’re absolutely right!
    I like your movie rating system. Brilliant and funny!

  6. josh says:

    Dis movie looked like Dumb City USA. If I want a disaster flick, I’ll watch “Cloverfield” and watch helpless peepz get all nommed up [feat. head-esssplosionz].

  7. martymankins says:

    What… no mention of Woody Harrelson’s character? You’ve got to give him props for at least his “end of the world” preaching. But I’ll give you “no more Pull-Ups” as one of the worst lines to end a movie.

    John Travolta is thanking you for not mentioning “Battlefield Earth” So is Eddie Murphy for leaving “The Adventures of Pluto Nash” it out of this blog post.

  8. Becky says:

    I saw it. Its almost 2 hours of my life that I will never get back. However, I did learn that I live in the future South Pole.

  9. Michelle M. says:

    I thought I was the only one who saw the Wraith.

  10. whall says:

    Probably not too big of a shocker, but I enjoyed it. A lot.

    Also, loved Battlefield Earth.

  11. Avitable says:

    I enjoyed it as a brainless popcorn movie with nice action and John Cusack. If it hadn’t been for John Cusack, I would have hated it, but he was enjoyable in it.

  12. muskrat says:

    This review is hilarious. So glad I’m not going to watch this today.

  13. delmer says:

    The movie gave me hope… hope that no matter how all-to-hell the earth is going, there will always be a landing strip to put my plane down on for refueling.

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