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Posted on April 12th, 2024

Dave!Most all digital ads (certainly from those who sell ads as a business model like Facebook and Google) are using targeted ads exclusively now-a-days.

Which is to say that companies like Google and Facebook are tracking every site you visit and noting every link you click on across the entire internet. That way they can track your interests and needs and serve ads to you which have a better chance of triggering engagement. Companies pay them more money when people click on their ads, so it's a powerful motivator to make sure that every ad is as relevant as possible.

There are times that it most definitely backfires though.

Yesterday morning Facebook started serving up ads for Botox. Yes, Botox. That expensive stuff that causes temporary paralysis that people shoot into wrinkles and stuff in order to diminish them for a few months...

Good-looking dude needs Botox BAD!

I have never in my life considered getting botulism injected into my face, so I was at a complete loss to understand why I was seeing these ads. Is it just because I'm now at an age where people start getting Botox? Did I click on something that convinced Facebook that I would be interested in getting Botox? Is Facebook watching me?!? Is the Facebook algorithm in the room with me right now looking at my face and thinking "Yeah, it's time for Botox now. Serve 'em up!"

The only thing I can think of is that I did click on two news stories warning people about home-brew "Botox" causing a botulism symptoms: Back Alley Botox a Bad Idea, Officials Warn... and Sketchy Botox Shots Spark Multistate Outbreak of Botulism-Like Condition. I guess that was enough for Facebook to think "Oh yeah. My guy is definitely wanting to get Botoxed! He clicked on two links with "Botox" in the headline, so what else could it be?"

After I ignored the ads, Facebook started getting serious. Because last night they started shoving ads at me that offered $50 OFF a treatment...


And then, when I started hiding ads for Botox, I started getting ads for the competition. Like this one from Juvéderm (which, thanks to the accent on the "e" there must be pronounced "Joo-Vay-Derm," not "Joo-Veh-Derm" as I would have thought, since it's clearly a riff on the word "rejuvenate" and stuff?)...


Interesting to note that these ads are definitely targeting me. Every ad I see with a person in it has a man. No women. As if to say "We know you want Botox, buddy, and it's totally a thing that men do... just look at the dudes in these ads!"

But the really interesting thing is that none of these dudes actually need Botox. They're all young, handsome, and flawless. But why? I guess it's a smart marketing tool. It's like "Holy shit! If these god-like men need Botox... then you must *really* need it, right?? DO IT! DO IT NOW! MAKE AN APPOINTMENT TODAY TO HAVE OUR SHIT INJECTED IN YOUR MANLY FACE AND SAVE $50! — IT'S THE LEAST YOU CAN DO TO SAVE SOCIETY FROM HAVING TO LOOK AT YOUR HEINOUS MUG! — PLUS... THE LADIES WILL TOTALLY LOVE THE NEW BOTOX YOU, SO IF YOU TAKE AWAY ONE THING FROM THIS AD, LET IT BE THIS: BOTOX=PUSSY!"

Sadly, no amount of Botox will save my face, even if I could afford it.

I actually would like a nice case of botulism though. You get to stay home from work for that, right?


Post-Birthday Decompression Suite

Posted on March 25th, 2024

Dave!My birthday weekend with family was really nice. Riiiight up until today when I had to drive back over the mountains and The Real World.

One of the things we did was go bowling. Something I haven't done in decades. I used to love it (it's how I met my best friends in college), but as my body started falling apart, it seemed like less and less of a good idea. And though I completely sucked at it (being woefully out of practice and trying not to be too physical lest I throw my back out) I had a great time...

My feet in bowling shoes on the funky Bowlero lanes.

Bowling balls on the ball return.

The funky Bowlero lanes with saturated, colorful lights and music videos playing.

And now that I'm home, I want to sleep.

Except I need to clean up my house since I didn't do it before I left.

Always a mistake, but I'm too old to do the smart thing now.

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Welcome to Your Fifties

Posted on January 2nd, 2024

Dave!Back on December 12th I fell and hurt my knee and ankle. It healed up fairly quickly. I was pain-free after about a week. Then it was a little stiff, but I thought it would be fine in another week or two.


It has been getting progressively worse. Last week I noticed that on top of being stiff, it was aching a lot. Now there's outright pain when I move it sometimes. I mentioned it to a friend and he said "Yeah. You probably have arthritis in your knee and ankle now." And I was like "What? Arthritis?!? Isn't that for old people?" He looked puzzled for a second, smiled, then said "Welcome to your fifties. Might want to look into glucosamine."

Oh shit! I totally am an old person now!

It happened so quickly.

Seems like only yesterday I was young and carefree and traveling the world. Now I'm old, prefer to stay at home, and living with cats. Guess I should stop ignoring the weekly mail I've been getting from The Neptune Society (if you don't know what The Neptune Society is, you're in for a fucking treat, because it's wild... when my time comes, bury me at sea with Julia Child on the memorial reef, please!).

And speaking of being old and having arthritis now(!)...

I found out an interesting fact today.

I was drying off after my shower. It was painful to bend my knee, so instead I just bent over. Suddenly the lights went off. It took my old man brain a second to realize that the electricity didn't just cut out... I had backed my bare ass up against the touch-sensitive light switch next to the shower. So now I know. My ass is light-switch-height.

Even though my butt cheeks were freshly cleaned in the shower, I was still mortified thinking that my light switch was now an ass switch. So the first thing I did after drying off and putting on my underwear was to run for the Clorox cleaner so I could scrub down the wall, plate, and switch.

I wanted to do it before I forgot, because apparently my memory is going to be leaving me very soon now.

If it hasn't already.

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