Today Marvel's Avengers: Infinity War was released on digital home video. I thought before I sat down and wrote my thoughts on the movie, I'd take a run through Justice League from the Distinguished Competition and jot down some notes on it as well.
It's no secret that, with one exception, I loathe the DC Comics Cinematic Universe. Wonder Woman was pretty great. But Man of Steel, Batman vs. Superman, Suicide Squad, and Justice League were all festering piles of crap that were not only bad movies... they were bad adaptations of the comic books they were taken from.
Justice League was so bad that I couldn't even get through it. I've only just watched various chunks when I've seen it on HBO. But, in the interest of fairness, I thought that I would sit through the whole thing last night to see if that changes my opinion.
Turns out that, no, it most definitely does not...
If anything, it sucks even harder in one viewing because it's such an epic slog to force your way through. All that did was make me end up resenting the film even more than I already did. My notes are something I'm posting for myself so I don't lose them, but feel free to read along if you want to.
And now? Do not proceed unless you've already seen the movie. LOL! JUST KIDDING! You do not want to see this movie, trust me.
Spoilers await in an extended entry...
Alrighty then. Here's my thoughts as I'm watching...
Oh look. It’s iPhone footage of Superman’s absurd-looking CGI-lip! You know... if you have a choice of reshooting scenes with Henry Cavill's Superman, but you have to digitally erase his mustache and make him look freakishly shitty... or just not reshooting his scenes... DON'T RESHOOT HIS SCENES!!! What's so great here is that Henry had the mustache because he was in the middle of filming Mission: Impossible, Fallout, a far, far superior film. Thank heavens they didn't have him shave it off for the sake of this pile of shit.
If the bomb is capable of blowing up four city blocks, wouldn’t Wonder Woman have to throw it higher than four city blocks to avoid blowing up the building? It barely looked like it was 50 feet above the roof. I'm all for suspending my belief for the sake of a comic book movie, but good Lord... some internal logic would be nice.
Bruce Wayne knowing about Aquaman, The Flash, and Cyborg makes no sense. It’s not like in Captain America: Civil War where Spider-Man was actually active and showing up on YouTube videos so Tony Stark could run across him... these three were "ghosts and rumors" and completely off the grid. So how? Too much knowledge in this film relies on stuff that’s never explained, so it’s all held together by lame conjecture.
"Hey, Billy Crudup, since I gave you a primo part in Watchmen, will you play a throwaway role as Barry Allen’s dad in my Justice League movie?"
"Let me read the script and I’ll get back to you."
"Here you go!"
"Holy shit is this a pile of crap!"
"But will you do it?"
Ooh! Miles Bennet Dyson (from Terminator 2) as Victor Stone’s dad! I guess the thinking was that if Snyder could poach his cast from far better movies, this giant turd might not suck so bad?
I know that they give Victor a better metal body at the end of the movie, but why the fuck didn’t they start that way? Cyborg looks like a fucking joke. He's a pile of garbage.
And... the Amazons. Still confused as to whether or not Diana ever made it back to say hello. In Wonder Woman, it's confusing as to whether or not she was allowed to return.
Steppenwolf has to be the lamest possible villain they could have chosen for this shit-show. He looks downright comical... and like a total douche compared to the later comic book incarnations of the character.
Good thing the television just happened to be on and tuned to an English-speaking channel. In the restoration lab. Of The Louvre. In Paris.
Oh goody. "The Aliens Took My Husband" trope never gets old! Let’s drag it out for the hundredth time and see if we can get a laugh. Nope? Okay... we’ll leave it in anyway.
How the fuck did Amy Adams and Diane Lane agree to be in such a bad, bad movie? Was it a contract thing? Does Zack Snyder have naked pictures? What?
Cyborg. Looking utterly stupid in that trash heap of a body... and projecting a television from no discernible projector on his hands. Jesus.
THEY CALL HIM STEPPENWOLF, DESTROYER OF WORLDS! Of course they do.
Okay... the whole idea of Amazons teaming up with Atlanteans teaming up with Green Lantern teaming up with Greek gods is just cool. And straight out of the comic books. Sorry, can’t give Snyder credit for something he poached and handed off to a special effects department to make come to life!
Alrighty then. The worst movie costume ever. EVARRRRR! The Flash looks beyond stupid. He’s a speedster who has always had a beautifully minimalistic costume that is sleek and sporty. The movie version just covers Barry Allen in a bunch of bulky pads and shit, wires it all together, and that's supposed to make him cool?
Mercedes product placement. Almost offensively obviously placed. How fucking embarrassing.
"What’s your super-powers?" — "I’m rich." And could Ben Affleck be playing Batman as any bigger a douche?
Every time Diana hits the screen, I have to wonder how much better a movie we would have gotten if Patty Jenkins had been in charge of Justice League.
The guy they got to play Cyborg is actually a really good actor... hell, most of the actors in this film are good actors... but even good actors can only do so much with a crap script.
Momoa was a good choice for Aquaman. And I don’t mind the choices they made to have him be an egotistical dick. But the whole drunken frat-boy idiocy is absurd.
Mera! Am really hoping that she is put to good use in the Aquaman film and not just killed off as a plot point to make Arthur go on some kind of stereotypical revenge journey. But, then again, it’s hard to tell whether or not they are married in the DCU. And, again, great casting with Amber Heard in the role.
New Gods reference by Steppenworlf. What a slap in the fucking face of Jack Kirby, who would have surely been unimpressed with how his work has been shit on with this film. Compare and contrast to the absolutely glorious Kirby treatment that Taika Waititi gave us with Thor: Ragnarok.
"The bat-signal! That’s kinda your thing." Yes. We get it. Barry Allen is an awkward geek that says stupid shit. No need to keep driving that home.
The first time we see Cyborg from head to toe in all his stupid-looking glory. What the fuck was the thinking behind this?
"Wow. They just... uhhh... vanished." Yes. We get it. Barry Allen is an awkward geek that says stupid shit. No need to keep driving that home.
Another movie where computer schematics are available for every fucking thing ever made by pressing a few buttons.
"I’m afraid of bugs. And tall people. And I just push people and run away!" Yes. We get it. Barry Allen is an awkward geek that says stupid shit. No need to keep driving that home.
Wonder Woman. Easily the coolest thing in this movie. So cool that even Zack Snyder couldn’t fuck it up.
"Sorry guys, I didn’t bring a sword." Jesus. The one-liners are so fucking awful. Who in the hell TALKS like this? Everybody in this movie, it would seem.
Batman’s "Night Crawler." An entirely stupid-ass contraption that makes no fucking sense whatsoever.
Localized lightning forming around The Flash to indicate The Speed Force at work makes perfect sense. But him lighting up the entire fucking room with massive bolts of lightning every time he runs? How the hell does he keep from electrocuting everybody in sight?
Oh Lord. Here we go. Cyborg taking over equipment and inexplicably making it be able to perform far past its design specs just to serve the "story" at hand. Maybe if he were shown rebuilding it somehow, that would make sense. But it’s like sticking your dick in a toaster and all of a sudden it can be used to deep fry donuts... silly. Silly and stupid.
Aquaman shows up out of nowhere. How the fuck did he find them? Does he have a magical tracking power or something?
My God. Did nobody... NOBODY... look at Cyborg during editing and say "Holy fuck! We can’t leave him looking this ridiculous!"
OH BWAH HA HA HA HAAAA! THE LITTE GIRL HAS BUG SPRAY TO FIGHT OFF THE PARADEMONS! ADORABLE AND SO HILARIOUS!!! Except... not. Not even a little bit. Jesus. Is THIS what Joss Whedon added to this film?
Gawd, Barry. Just shut the fuck up already.
And Bruce Wayne and Barry Allen are inexplicably total experts in Kryptonian physiology AND alien Mother Box technology. But, why not? Just about everything in this movie is inexplicable.
"Superman was a beacon to the world!" Apparently Bruce Wayne has done a complete 180 from Batman vs. Superman when he thought that Superman was the greatest menace known to man. And all because his mom and Superman’s mom have the same name? Wow. Just... wow.
"You know... if she kills you, we’ll cover for her!" FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY, BARRY!
Cyborg "ran the numbers" while Batman was being an asshole and determined the the plan to bring Superman back from the dead with the Mother Box will work. WHAT FUCKING NUMBERS ARE THOSE?!? JESUS CHRIST!!!
No mystery that this noise irritates Parademons... it’s a fucking annoying sound. How in the hell did Batman discover that annoying sounds will make Parademons upset?
"I could dig up Superman’s grave a lot faster, but it seems disrespectful... and if I did that we wouldn’t have an excuse to work in some senseless exposition!" A hilariously lame way to explain why super-powered people conveniently don't use their super-powers when it suits the writers.
Again. How the fuck do these people know how to use Kryptonian technology they’ve never seen before? But, then again, Cyborg interfacing with it makes a fuck-ton more sense than Lex Luthor being able to know how to work it. At least he can hook himself up to it like Jeff Goldblum did in Independence Day.
Kevin Costner is still dead in this movie. Lucky bastard.
"You have to charge the Mother Box precisely when it touches the water!" WHY?!? HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW THIS?!? DID THE KRYTONIAN SHIP TELL YOU?
The Flash generating lightning to jump-start the Mother Box only proves my point that the absurd amount of electricity he is visually generating would be lethal to people he runs by on the street. If it wasn't, how could it "kick start" the Mother Box?
Zombie Superman. Which totally makes sense because we knew it would happen after that Pet Cemetery joke.
"Should we bow... or show our bellies?" SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. BARRY!!!
"Tell me... do you bleed?" Well, shit, Superman. You just did an X-ray vision scan of everybody. How the fuck do you not know that Batman is human and will bleed like a stuck pig if you crush his head like this? Did being dead make you a fucking idiot? Or do you just say randomly idiotic shit like this so you can sound cool? NEWSFLASH: You don't sound cool... you sound like a fucking tool.
Batman always looks like he can barely move in that insane costume they put him in. How in the hell does he manage to fight in it?
"You smell good." — "Did I not before?" I mean, come on. What. The Fuck? Amy Adams didn't have enough self-respect to say "I am so not fucking saying this stupid line..."
"Is this like, a bad time to bring up my blood sugar? I’m very hungry" BARRY! JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY YOU FUCKING BUFFOON!
Oh gawd. The whole "talk to the fishes" bullshit. Apparently that’s how Aquaman can find anything on earth! Or not. Or whatever.
Wonder Woman has the power to make a red cloak appear materialize any time she needs a formal look! Or... what... did she run back to Paris and grab it?
Oh gawd. That freaky-ass CGI mouth cover-up on Superman again. Are we sure he’s not The Joker in disguise? I mean the awesome Heath Ledger Joker, not the absolutely idiotic Jared Leto Joker.
"PRAISE TO THE UNITY! PRAISE TO THE MOTHER OF HORRORS!" And its ability to create a dome!
"Transport won’t fly that fast." — "It will for me." Again... HOW? HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU MAKE SOMETHING FLY FASTER THAN IT’S DESIGNED TO FLY WITHOUT REBUILDING IT? WHAT... YOU JUST TALK IT INTO FLYING FASTER?
BWAH HA HA HAAAAA! AQUAMAN WAS SITTING ON THE LASSO OF TRUTH WHICH DIANA JUST HAPPENS TO HAVE LEFT IT SITTING AROUND INSTEAD OF KEEPING IT ON HER PERSON! So hilarious! Or stupid. No... it's just stupid. And what happened to Diana's red cape? Did she fly it back to Paris? Put it in the Wayne Manor cloakroom?
"We might not have thought this through..." Jeremy Irons, with the understatement of the decade.
"Ohhhh, snap!" BARRY! JESUS... FOR THE LOVE OF GOD... JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!
The physics of mid-air fighting in this film are about the funniest thing in it.
Fluorescent green blood. Uh huh.
Yeah. Send Barry to rescue four people instead of staying in the fight to save the entire fucking planet. Who the fuck put Batman in charge of this operation?
So... Cyborg can reconfigure his armor at will, but needs to manually attach his leg?
"Well, I believe in truth. But I’m also a big fan of... JUSTICE!" Can’t have Superman being the only one not speaking in idiotic one-liners, can we?
BWAH HA HA HA HAAAAA! THE CAR WITH THE ESCAPING FAMILY JUST RAN OUT OF GAS! HILARIOUS!
"Slow poke!" If Superman can catch up with The Flash... who has been running, like, FOREVER now... then he’s gotta be faster than The Flash, right? So doesn’t that make the contest in the credits a moot point?
Um... yeah... how the fuck does Superman manage to keep an entire fucking apartment building from busting in half as he’s flying with it?
"Any blowback?" — "Big time. But I think we can take it." HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?!? YOU HAVE CALCULATIONS FOR SEPARATING ALIEN BOXES IN YOUR PROGRAMMING?!? WHAT THE FUUUUUCK?!??
"Clark!" — Apparently Batman only gives a shit about Superman. Zero fucks given to Cyborg.
So... what just happened? Why did Steppenwolf get sucked up in a big light? Did Darkseid summon Steppenwolf back to Apokalips with that boom tube? How did Darkseid know? Is he like Heimdal in Thor? I mean, LITERALLY Heimdal in Thor, because this is what he totally does.
What made the alien flowers and shit miraculously grow? Haven’t seen this effect with ANY OTHER USE of the Boom Tube in the film. Did Steppenwolf have a magical power to shower earth with Miracle-Grow as he was being dragged off?
"A big round table. With six chairs... right there!" Please. God. Not another one of these.
At last. Cyborg gets a decent-looking metal body. Just as the film has ended.
And... the end. Praise be.
But nope! Have to steal a move from Marvel’s playbook! Here’s the mid-credits scene with a race between Superman and The Flash for no reason. And, as if we haven’t had enough of Barry Allen being an awkward turd throughout the entire film, her he is being more awkward than ever before. yay.
And since we haven’t been tortured enough it’s a League of Their Own joke... featuring Deathstroke! Along with a horrendously shitty Lex Luthor in the abhorrent mis-casting choice of the fucking century with Jesse Eisenberg.
Lord, why in the hell did I torture myself like this. Such an awful... awful... movie. Most of this crap I could have overlooked if things were even remotely entertaining, but they so were not. It was just torture from the first flame to the last.
Since Justice League pretty much bombed at the box office, I'm guessing there will be no sequel any time soon. It made $658 million (vs. the TWO BILLION that Infinity War made) but the cost of production, advertising, and all that crap means Warner Bros. will end up with a $100 million LOSS (at least according to Forbes).
Next up? Aquaman... which is a "maybe" because James Wan was such an interesting choice to direct.
After that? Wonder Woman 1984... which is sure to be more Patty Jenkins goodness. Fingers crossed.
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