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Posted on Thursday, January 20th, 2011

Dave!"Dude, that's pretty fucked up. She's the worst person ever."

Ordinarily, I tend to ignore hyperbole. Exaggeration is such a huge part of everybody's vocabulary now-a-days that you pretty much have to. Not that you can really blame people. When you're inundated by sensationalism in movies, television, music, advertising, and the news, it's only natural that it's going to migrate to everyday conversation. This can sometimes make it difficult to accurately gauge the severity of a situation, but it certainly makes a phone call a heck of a lot more entertaining.

And yet there are some people who are not prone to hyperbole at all.

Like my friend Sam.

So when he declares that somebody is "the worst person ever" it gets my attention.

And who is this woman who has become the subject of his ire? Sarah Palin? Judge Judy? Ann Coulter? Hillary Clinton? Nancy Grace? Michelle Malkin? Elisabeth Hasselbeck? Paula Deen? Tyra Banks? Martha Stewart? Paula Abdul?

No. None of the obvious suspects. Turns out it was Cathy Cruz Marrero.

"Who the fuck is Cathy Cruz Marrero?" I ask.

"She's that dumbass that fell into a fountain while texting," Sam says, his words dripping with a loathing usually reserved for telemarketers, mimes, and serial-murderers. "She's hiring an attorney because she feels humiliated that the surveillance video of her was put on YouTube..."

"Soooo... she was a dumbass, and now she wants to get paid for it?" I inquire, trying to use a tone that won't escalate the conversation.

"YES!! NOBODY EVEN KNEW WHO SHE WAS UNTIL SHE STARTED TALKING TO THE PRESS!" Sam screams. "Why can't she just laugh it off like any normal person would and consider it a lesson learned? Why is she fucking suing people for her stupidity? Worst person ever."

"Yeah, I can see where tha--"

"WORST PERSON EVER! EHHHHHHVEEEEEEERRRR!!!" I hear Sam screech into the phone. "She DESERVES to feel humiliated!"

And so she does.

It's things like this that make me wonder if there's no limit to people's shame or lack of personal responsibility. This woman claims that mall security should have dropped everything and come running to make sure she was okay when she fell into the fountain (instead of standing around laughing). Well, WATCH THE VIDEO, MORON! You hopped out of that fountain almost immediately, then walked off. Obviously you were okay, so there was nothing more to do except stand around and laugh at your stupid ass. I'm sure if you laid there unmoving face-down in the water, their reaction would have been completely different. But that didn't happen. Your ridiculous antics were entirely your own fault, the mall doesn't owe you a damn thing for being a dumbass, and your humiliation is entirely your own fault. So suck it up and stop being the worst person ever.

Because if Sam says it from the bottom of his hyperbole-free heart, that's exactly who you are*


*Hitler and sharks notwithstanding, I'm sure.


  1. goblinbox says:

    Gravity. It’s RELENTLESS.

  2. CP says:

    Did you see the interview with her on Good Morning America?

    She was texting a friend to tell her when her birthday was. She must have used the phrase “a friend of mine from church” about 3298723987 (how’s that for hyperbole?) times. Like, it should make the world feel SO bad for her to know she was texting a church friend when she took a flop into the fountain.

    I’m so sorry. She doesn’t qualify as the worst person in the world, but she certainly is the dumbest. If you aren’t looking for notoriety, why would you put yourself on a dozen news stations to talk about how you don’t want notoriety? LOL Stupid.

    • Dave2 says:

      Oh yes. That makes all the difference in the world.

      Though I would have been a lot more sympathetic if she were texting her church about finding a home for starving orphans and homeless pets. Just a birthday? Meh.

  3. Pachinko_Sid says:

    Another idiot with a sense of entitlement.

  4. Invader_Stu says:

    That’s the funniest thing ever. the fact that she fell in already makes her dumb enough but the fact that she is suing and making everyone aware of who that unidentifiable person shaped blob on the screen is makes her even more dumb (but obviously she is just thinking about the money).

    • Dave2 says:

      She wants to get PAID!

      If this works, I am so totally going to trip into a fountain. But since tripping while texting is so passé, I suppose I’ll have trip into a fountain while eating a taco… or tattooing my face… or shooting heroin or something.

  5. Suebob says:

    You are so mean. This poor, poor woman should have the right to do whatever she wants while paying no attention whatsoever and be completely safe, especially if she is doing something important like TEXTING A FRIEND FROM CHURCH. She should be able to cross against the light in NYC and not get hit by a taxi because she is TEXTING A FRIEND FROM CHURCH. Or walk off the edge of a tall building and land on a cloud because she is TEXTING A FRIEND FROM CHURCH.

    God bless her lawyer. It is heroes like him that make this country great by protecting people’s rights to behave any damned way they please without any repercussions and quite possibly by getting paid along the way.

    • Dave2 says:

      She’s probably the same type of person that texts while walking down the street, trips on a crack in the sidewalk, then sues the city for millions of dollars because she was a dumbass.

      Of course, that’s not half as stupid as a dumbass legal system that would actually give her any money.

  6. bo says:

    I’m not defending her, but there’s one small problem: that footage is from the mall security camera. It should never have been put online. I think that’s where she’s right to sue. Yes, no one knew who she was until she started blabbing, but that doesn’t give the security people the okay to post video from security cameras for public viewing. Furthermore, she works at that mall. So, actually, some people DID know who she was once they saw the video (according to her anyway).

    I absolutely agree that she’s being a moron about this. I also think she’s being an idiot about being so vocal about the whole damn thing, but I do think she has a right to sue.

    • Dave2 says:

      But that’s not was she was threatening to sue for… at least not on the interview I watched. She was suing because nobody came to her aid, even though she popped right out of the fountain and walked away immediately.

      Even if she WERE suing because of “embarrassment” I don’t see much of a case. She was in a public place on private property where there should be no expectation of privacy. Yes, it was kind of a crappy thing for the security guard to do (even though you can’t even tell who it is on the tape), and perhaps they should be fired for releasing it because it is a negative image for the mall, but I’m not seeing a case because somebody caught her being stupid. If people at the mall recognized her, then they had probably already heard about it anyway.

      Now-a-days, I would EXPECT that if I did something monumentally stupid in a public place it would end up on the internet. Sadly, that’s just the times we live in.

      • I agree. You can expect privacy in your bathroom, but when you’re in the public eye, sorry hon. The video was not actually the security footage, but a videotape of the security footage AND the guy who did it lost his job. I think that is retribution enough. If it had been me, I would have volunteered to float around on a raft and sign autographs. . .

  7. Sybil Law says:

    Your friend and I have very similar reaction to this story.
    She should be sued for wasting peoples’ time and time in the courts for even bringing this lawsuit.
    Shit like this makes me hate people.

  8. Jen says:

    Oy. What an idiot. It’s like the lady years ago who ordered coffee at McDonalds and then was shocked, SHOCKED that the coffee was hot. Some people should not be allowed out of the house without adult supervison. (But thank goodness they are so that we can enjoy the videos.)

    • Dave2 says:

      It’s like when you buy a peanut candy bar with peanuts on the package photo, peanuts in the ingredients, and peanuts in the product slogan… then somebody sues because they are deathly allergic to peanuts and there wasn’t a warning to let them know they shouldn’t be eating it. So now we get stupid crap like WARNING! THIS PEANUT PRODUCT CONTAINS PEANUTS! so manufacturers are less liable to the criminally stupid. Personally, I’d like to say to let Darwinism sort it out, but I don’t want to get sued.

  9. Tina says:

    hahahaha! Why I keep coming back for more.

  10. martymankins says:

    CP said it best above in her comment. She’s suing because she was made a spectacle of, yet now she’s all about making press out of this. Makes no fucking sense.

  11. Mad William says:

    Sharks? This woman is way worse than sharks. They would never be so stupid or greedy.

  12. Heather says:

    To top it off, this wonderfully intelligent (/sarcasm) woman was a criminal! That’s right! She had an outstanding warrant for five felony counts including theft by deception and receiving stolen property. Ms. Cruz Marrero is accused of stealing a co-worker’s credit card and charging $5,000 at Target and Zales Jewelers. She was out on bail and supposed to appear in court again in April for sentencing of the October 2009 charges.

    Guess she thought this would be a good way to make money to pay all those criminal defense attorney fees. And she thought wrong.

    • Dave2 says:

      Or to pay her mobile phone bill. Blargh, what a tool. Credit card fraud is a serious offense against the one true institution with undeniable power left in this country: THE BANKS! Good luck with that!

  13. carlos m. hernandez says:

    As you said, Dave, if she’d been floating face down in the water it would have been a different story. But since she just popped right out, she’s got no case.

    Hopefully, if she does sue, they’ll laugh her out of court for wasting their time.

    And of course, she won’t learn anything about paying attention to her surroundings, just continue to blame others. It’s sad really.

    • Dave2 says:

      Such is life in this ambulance-chading lawyer’s paradise we call the USA! As I understand it, she realized that she was being legally stupid after her criminal history was uncovered. Typical. Typical. Typical.

  14. Ok so it gets better. First of all, this is my hometown and my local mall. It’s the fountain where my kids throw money all the time. Not only is she a money-seeking moron, she’s also a criminal.

    I call it the best example of karma EVER!

    • Dave2 says:

      Yep, karma can sure be a bitch when you have it coming! I was not surprised in the least that this attention-getting, sue-happy, lawyered-up piece of work came with a criminal record. So frickin’ typical.

  15. Ugh. I wish I never even heard this story. That’s why I avoid the news for the most part. People like this are almost as pathetic as Sam claims.

    • Dave2 says:

      What kills me is that it’s people like this who are unhurt despite their own stupidity and get awarded money… but people who are injured through no fault of their own can walk away with nothing. Senseless.

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