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Bullet Sunday 213

Posted on Sunday, January 2nd, 2011

Dave!"You're not dying... you just can't think of anything better to do."
                                              — Ferris Bueller, Ferris Bueller's Day Off

I've had cheese pizza for dinner three times in the past week. It's not that I'm particularly craving cheese pizza, I just can't think of anything better to eat. Well, I can, but flying to Amsterdam for a cheese sandwich or jetting off to Rome for Fettucine Alfredo seems a bit excessive. Oh well, pizza and bullets it is then. Welcome to a Very Special NEW YEAR Edition of Bullet Sunday!

   
• NEW CHANNELS! I relented and purchased an expanded cable television package because my sister got me hooked on The Big C which you can only get on the Showtime Channel. Unfortunately, The Big C was just the beginning. Now I'm hooked on Dexter again... PLUS Boardwalk Empire on HBO. What an amazing show that is. I've always liked Steve Buscemi's acting, but damn...

Steve Buscemi as Nucky

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. The other actors in Boardwalk Empire are great too ( ZOMG! Erik Weiner?)... along with the writing, the directing, the production values, and everything else associated with the show. I guess with Martin Scorsese involved I shouldn't be surprised, but damn...

   
• NEW HOTNESS! Well, okay, Summer Glau is not exactly "new," having appeared as "River Tam" in fan-favorite Joss Whedon awesomeness Firefly. And then she did a smattering of guest appearances in television shows meant to appeal to a sci-fi geek's wet dreams, including The 4400 and Dollhouse... along with playing a FRICKIN' TERMINATOR in the sweet Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles...

Summer Glau as a Terminator

And now she's moving into comic book geek territory by taking a role on The Cape, a super-hero series debuting on the 9th...

Summer Glau in The Cape

I can only guess that her next role will be as Wonder Woman, because that's about the only thing in the genre left for her to play! Hopefully her new show will be worth a crap, and not some lame knock-off of a lame show like Heroes.

   
• NEW AWESOME! As a huge, huge fan of Nick Frost and Simon Pegg, the movie I am most looking forward to this year is... PAUL! The movie looks entertaining as hell and, since it's Frost & Pegg, you know it's going to be funny. AND THE CAST! It's got Kristin Wigg, Jason Bateman, Bill Hader, AND SIGOURNEY WEAVER IN IT! I can't for the life of me understand why the buzz on this film isn't bigger than it is...

   
• NEW SHIT? Last year Steve Ballmer took the stage of the annual Consumer Electronics Show to show off Microsoft's revolutionary new tablet version of Windows 7 to be released on an upcoming "slate" hardware device.

THIS year Steve Ballmer will be taking the stage of the annual Consumer Electronics Show to show off Microsoft's revolutionary new tablet version of Windows 7 to be released on an upcoming "tablet" hardware device.

See, "slate" was the old shit. "Slates" ended up sucking ass and nobody bought them because "slates" don't have the power necessary to run a resource-sucking pile of shit like Windows. But then Apple unveiled the "iPad" which everybody made fun of because it sounded like "maxi pad" (or whatever). Everybody in the industry also made fun of iPad because it wasn't a "real" computer at all but just a "big phone that can't make calls" or perhaps a "grossly underpowered computer that can't do anything."

But then Apple had the last laugh (as usual) because iPad went on to sell a bajillion units.

So now Microsoft is recycling the same fucked-up bullshit that nobody wanted the first time around and pretending it's new because apparently, thanks to Apple, everybody came to their senses and decided they want a tablet computer all along. Microsoft was just ahead of its time last year, and THIS year will be totally different!

Except that's not what happened at all. People didn't all of a sudden embrace tablet computer... they embraced the iPad which, as everybody in the industry was so quick to point out, IS NOT A COMPUTER. Sure it has some computer functionality, but it's more an "appliance" that becomes different electronic devices as opposed to a traditional computer. The fact that it's NOT A COMPUTER is what makes it so compelling. People who need a computer aren't going to be satisfied with a stripped down, crippled, slow tablet device. It's people who are looking for something simple and functional who are the iPad's target customer, and Apple understood this.

Microsoft (as usual) is playing catch-up and doing it all wrong. Again. I'm sure after the "tablet" fails just like the "slate" failed, Balmer will be standing on the stage in 2012 with the "new" Microsoft "pad" device running the tablet edition of Windows 7 because THAT'S what the problem was... it was the NAME that sabotaged the previous two attempts!

That same name that everybody made fun of when Apple unleashed it last year.

Oh how I loathe Microsoft. They have access to unlimited money and unlimited technology, but there's nobody there with any kind of vision to make any use of it. I'M STILL WAITING FOR MY FLYING CAR, STEVE BALMER, YOU DEMENTED FOOL!!

Microsoft Flying DeLorean

   
• NEW OUTLOOK! I promise myself that I will be 50% less critical of Microsoft this year, because I know everybody it tired of hearing it.

That will be really fucking easy to do, because this year Microsoft will be 50% less relevant to the computer industry, the mobile phone industry, and the electronic industry in general, just like they were last year (KIN PHONES FOR EVERYBODY!).

The only place Microsoft is holding any ground is with their Xbox 360 video game console. You know, their SIX YEAR OLD ENTERTAINMENT TECHNOLOGY?!? Of course, six years in electronics years is like SIXTY years in human years, so heaven only knows how long that gravy train is going to last. Hopefully they've got an Xbox 720 (or whatever) up their sleeves so that SUPER Wii (or whatever) and ÜBER PLAYSTATION 1,000,000 (or whatever) doesn't come along and eat their lunch. Sure they released Kinect last year to freshen things up and let you control your Xbox via dancing, but that's hardly revolutionary like the Wii was. God only knows what Nintendo, the real innovators in entertainment technology, are cooking up next.

Of course, it's not inconceivable that Apple won't come out with iPlay (or whatever) and swipe the gaming market as well. Thanks to iPod Touch, iPhone, and now iPad, they've pretty much sewn up the portable gaming market already. What's one more area of global domination to Steve Jobs?

   
• NEW INSIGHT! Well, not really. Despite Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back being two of my most favorite movies of all time, I found the "prequels" to be massive piles of shit. Not only were they boring as hell, but they barely made any sense. When I initially wrote my thoughts on Revenge of the Sith after it was released, I ranked it as "okay" even though I fully admitted it sucked. Probably because compared to The Phantom Mencace and Attack of the Clones it was utter genius. I was so desperate to like Star Wars again that ranking it "okay" was more of a cry for help than any acknowledgement of cinematic greatness...

Star Wars Ranking

This got me roundly despised by many of my fellow Star Wars fans who thought Revenge of the Sith was the best thing ever. Not that I can blame them... if you've been eating nothing but vomit and fond memories for decades, a plate of moldy bread is going to feel like dinner at the Ritz.

Now that time has passed, perspective has only managed to take the bloom off the rose. Or, in the case of Mr. Plinkett, to shred the rose into pieces, cover it in raw sewage, then fart on it as you toss it into a nuclear explosion. His biting, scathing analysis is horrifyingly accurate. He not only addresses all the problems I had with the film* but expands upon them with some insight I hadn't considered.

If you're okay with lots of profanity and a shocking lack of taste and morals masquerading as a movie review, then this is something you must see.

   
And there you have it. The first Bullet Sunday of a new year. Let's hope I survive the week to do a second one.

   


*Well, one thing he DOESN'T address is the bullshit about "midichlorian count" being an indicator as to how powerful somebody is with The Force. If a massive number of midichlorians determines your strength, how can Darth Vader be so fucking powerful when he lost both legs and both arms? That's an ass-load of midichlorians to lose. And can somebody who has low midichlorians inject a bunch of them and instantly become a Jed Master? ARRRGH! Like everything else in the prequels, this shit doesn't make any fucking sense!

Comments

  1. kapgar says:

    It’s NBC, so I really don’t expect much from The Cape. Not even sure I want to start yet another show. Y’know?

    I’m not sure about Summer Glau as Wonder Woman. Looks-wise, she can pull it off. Not sure about attitude-wise. Sure, it’s acting and a good actor should be able to just do it. But we’ve never really seen Glau do much of a variance from somber, ass-kicking self. Unless I missed something.

    • Dave2 says:

      Oh I’m not saying Summer Glau SHOULD play Wonder Woman… only that it’s about the only thing left in the geek genre! I dunno about “The Cape” either, but I’m definitely going to check it out.

  2. Avitable says:

    I love that guy’s reviews. They’re hysterical.

    I’m worried that Summer Glau is the kiss of death for any TV show – she only appears on shows that get canceled way too quickly.

  3. Nicole says:

    Thanks for posting that trailer for Paul, it looks great! Minor correction – the actor’s name is Bill Hader, not Paul Hader.

  4. *lynne* says:

    I totally agree: I’ve not heard of PAUL but it *should* be getting a lot of buzz – it looks totally hilarious!!! :)

  5. martymankins says:

    Summer Glau… I may have to give this new show a view or two to see what it’s all about.

    I’M STILL WAITING FOR MY FLYING CAR T-SHIRT, DAVE!! (not trying to get you in trouble, it’s just one of my favorite DaveToons. That and the Speed Racer one)

  6. Rick says:

    My family physician is tired of hearing about Summer Glau and my four hour erections.

    Microsoft has driven out anyone who might be considered an “independent thinker” in favor of row after row of Harvard MBAs who can sell shit to the guy that sucks it out of Sani-cans.

  7. Sybil Law says:

    Well, we have a Wii and I fuckign HATE it. It sucks. I can’t believe people are so fucking stupid that they’re still buying the things.
    I really do want an X Box Kinect. Anything without controllers is great, to me.

  8. Sarah says:

    I love Summer Glau! Now I am excited about this new show considering I tend to love everything she does.

  9. whitenoise says:

    Dave, you’re probably the coolest guy I know. Thanks for another great year here on Blogography, and here’s to a fantastic 2011! I hope to meet up with you again this year and would enjoy buying lunch.

  10. goblinbox says:

    I had literally never even heard of the KIN. Wow.

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