Despite the fact that I am doing so much better with my eyes lately, Jake still feels the need to watch over me.

Or maybe he doesn't actually care, but finds me to be a comfortable place to sleep somehow.

He's still wanting to take naps on top of me...

He's still snuggling up against me every night...

Meanwhile Jenny is still indifferent, as you can tell from her adorable little frowny face...

Speaking of Jenny, this past week she woke me up at 4:30am because she thought it was important for me to know that there were two birds fighting on the roof outside the window...

At which point she decided to fall asleep, leaving me wide awake...

Don't worry. Eventually Jake decided to join her...

I was never able to fall back asleep, which is typical.

My cats are not the clingy type. Jake likes to run and greet me when I get home from work so he can get petted. Jenny likes to be petted until I fall asleep at night. From time to time they'll want more attention than usual but, for the most part, they're happy to hang out with me... but at a distance.

The exception is when I'm sick or hurting.

Jake has a weird ability to sense this and, when he does, he's all over me. In these past weeks when I've been dealing with eye-related issues, he's been stuck to me like glue. When I'm trying to work...

Or trying to sleep...

Or watching television...

Or taking a nap...

I mean, it's nice to have the company, of course. But it's also nice to have my own space. After next week I'm hoping that my problems will start to resolve themselves and Jake will deem me suitably fit to go back to his normal routine.

The fact that my cats are such a small percentage of my size and yet occupy a far greater percentage of my bed is an irony that's not lost on me. And do you think that they care even a little bit that I have to struggle to find a place to sleep? The answer will not shock you. It's no.

Take this show from last night, for example...

Now, lest you think that the square-ish lump is my legs folded up, it's not. That's a pillow that Jenny was propped up against that I couldn't move or else she'd get mad (seen in green below). No, I'm barely on the bed at all, with my legs almost falling off (seen in red below)...

Now, the good news is that Jenny rarely wants to stick around after I go to bed. The minute I close my laptop and turn the lights off, she's running downstairs to sleep who-knows-where. So once she's gone I could move the pillow and move my legs on the other side of Jake where I have a little more room. He will be in that exact same spot when I wake up in the morning. At which time he'll let me know he's hungry.

Cats have got to be the most narcissistic creatures on the planet (after humans, of course). The world really is all about them. And when it's not, they make it that way.

I'm visually-impaired this week, so naturally that's when my cats decide they want to be problematic.

Jake, who hasn't been dragging his toys around to create toy gauntlets for months, has all of a sudden started to do that again. Almost as if he knows I will have a tough time seeing them... and will possibly trip on them, fall down the stairs, and die...

And, yep, Jake has been caught on video, so there's no defending him...

This past week was a banner catio week because the weather has been warming up. The only problem is the wind, which doesn't seem to bother Jake. He just digs his claws in and braces for impact...

Jenny, however, will come running back inside if it gets too windy. She would much rather lounge on the couch getting pets than be uncomfortable...

But don't get the impression that Jenny is any less weird than her brother. Lately she's been sitting on her tail, which is not only puzzling to me... but to her brother as well...

Though it's probably unwise to refer to my cats as "weird." All cats are weird. It's what makes them cats.

Jenny is getting to be more of a problem with food than Jake ever was. If Jake is slow to his bowl when the food drops, Jenny will eat hers... then his. It's so bad that I get up and call Jake over so he gets to eat. But this week there's been a new wrinkle. When Jenny sees that Jake is finally coming, she will stop eating her food... then go to his bowl to eat because there's more food there. Jake gets whatever she didn't get around to eating. I can't even be mad because that's a pro move right there. But there's going to come a time when she's too smart for her own good... and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that.

Also? My cats have started talking. Quite a lot. If Jenny thinks I'm taking too long brushing my teeth and she want me in bed so she can get petted? Meows. So many meows. Jake can't meow, but he whines and frets and squeaks and wails. ZOMG the wailing. This past week I just walked in the door and he comes running up to be petted. I have to sit a bunch of stuff on the counter first, so I walk by him. He exploded with wailing. You'd think that I kicked him. In the face! Then... once I have my hands free and start giving him a rub-down? All the squeaks.

Cats only get more nuts with age. What will they be like in five years?

He was trapped in a region of non-stop war in Syria, but did his best to help people and feed cats in the area. And died there after joking about having dug his own grave.

It's a good thing I'm not God. Because I'm telling you right now, there would be no hiding from my wrath. Nothing could save you. I would wipe all violent aggressors off the face of the fucking earth without so much as a thought. One minute you're killing innocent civilians and cats... then next minute you would find yourself transported to the surface of the sun.

Which kinda begs the question... where is God in the middle of things like this anyway?

Definitely not in Syria, that's for sure.

After my last girlfriend and I split, I texted her to tell her that she left her memory foam pillow. She told me it was a cheap one that she didn't really like so I could keep it or toss it. I remember thinking AHAAAA! It wasn't that we didn't have common interests that broke us up... it was this stupid pillow!"

I made a mental note to toss it because I had my Ghost Pillow, but it sat there on her side of the bed for weeks (making it more of a ghost pillow than my actual Ghost Pillow) because I didn't have to change the pillowcase.

Then at some point Jenny started laying on it, so then I couldn't toss it. Instead I had to start changing the pillowcase again.

On Wednesday when I was making my weekly linens change, I decided to remove the pillow and put it in the cat's room. No sense constantly reminding myself that the only relationship in my life is my cats.

Well, I'm sure you know what happened next.

That night when I went up to bed, Jenny charged ahead like she usually does. After brushing my teeth, I went into my bedroom and... saw that Jenny was laying on my pillow. Because of course she was.

And so now her pillow is back on my bed so

Some ghosts can't be busted, I guess.

Today I woke up in more pain than usual, which I really hope means whatever kidney stone drama is going on in my urinary system is on its way out. Because we're going on a month now, and I'm really over it. My first thought was to get up and grab some Advil, but Jake was on my legs as usual now.

Just look at this! Doesn't it look like he's literally trying to hold me down?

Earlier this week he hopped up on my bed... kicked my legs apart (which caused the blanket to fall off of one of them)... then promptly fell asleep like so...

Which is to say that he just doesn't give a crap any more. I'm an accessory to him. To both of them. Just a prop to lean up against while sleeping.

Reminds me of Spanky, when he would prohibit me from packing my suitcase any time it came out...

In other Jake news. He has a snaggletooth while sleeping now...

In other, other Jake news... the birds and squirrels are out on the patio regularly now. This cause all kinds of drama...

Which seems overdramatic when, at best, squirrels are a blur and birds are quick to fly off when they realize there's no food for them...

Not a lot with Jenny this week. Probably because she's been avoiding me after I accidentally clocked her this past week. Well, not really avoiding me. It's just that when she wants to be petted, it has to be entirely on her terms. When she wants, what she wants, how she wants.

Which is almost her normal, so I guess she's back to normal?

Facebook has a "Memories" section where you can take a look at what you were talking about on this date one year ago... five years ago... ten years ago... whatever. I mostly like this feature because I've done some cool stuff over the years, and it's nice to remember what it was like to travel the globe and live life outside my bubble. Good times.

On this date eight years ago, I was posting about how my mom had completely won over Jake. He was still wary of me but, because he was home with my mom all day, she managed to bond with him in the three months since he and Jenny had been adopted. Which was exactly what I was hoping would happen. I needed to be in the office as much as possible, and the cats were meant to be a distraction from the non-stop confusion that plagued her as the dementia took hold...

At that point, mom was unable to make any long-term memories. So to her, the cats were always something new. We'd be sitting in the living room watching television... one of the cats would walk by, and she'd immediately be walking up to it and asking "Where did you come from?" Then she'd tell me that she was keeping it. Not many cats have jobs, but Jake and Jenny performed theirs perfectly.

And that makes for a nice memory... with our without Facebook.

Earth Day! Which means it's been... um... 38 years since I've eaten meat. THAT I KNOW OF! Because do we really know what's in an Impossible Burger? How do they make it taste so good and meaty? Is it because there's meat inside?

And now? A question. Is this what a parent feels like when they accidentally drop their baby down the stairs?

When I got home, I sat down on the couch to answer personal emails. What I did not see was Jenny sneaking into the room. And I really didn't see her jumping on the back of the couch as I was reaching for my Coke Zero. She jumped into my elbow. Clocked her hard and she ran off. I was mortified. Followed her to her hiding place to check and make sure nothing was broken. Then left her alone.

I called her to dinner and she came down, but was wary of getting near me. She wasn't limping or appearing hurt, so I just let her be. And I've been feeling awful ever since.

Just now she came in and wanted to be petted. So I'm thinking where she hit was on her head and now she has memory loss. Poor thing. I would have been inconsolable if I hit her eye or caused some damage. Hopefully it's something she can just shake off.

And speaking of shaking it off...

There's still something going on in my urinary system. Don't know if it's another, smaller, kidney stone... a piece of the last stone which broke off... just an injury from the passing of the last stone... or lupus.

I feel the need to toss lupus in the mix because that's what House M.D. would want.

But life has to go on, so I popped a couple Advil this morning and went back to work. That's not what House M.D. would want, but he isn't paying my mortgage.