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Posted on Friday, October 31st, 2014

Dave!No trick-or-treaters again this year.

I'd feel bad about it... but I only bought candy I like, so the big winner of the evening is obviously me...


I remember when I was in my final years of trick-or-treating. It was a war. Complete with a battle-plan that involved maximizing the area covered and minimizing the amount of time to cover it. We knew which houses to go to for the good stuff... and which houses were a waste of time and to be avoided. We alternated being "runners" who would run ahead to the next house and ring the bell so that the door would already be open when the rest of the group arrived. We had parents lined up to drive us to the "good candy neighborhoods" and timed everything so that the houses that tended to shut down early were hit first. And of course we had two sets of cloth candy bags that wouldn't rip like the crappy plastic bags most kids used.

He who had the best battle-plan got the most candy.

And Halloween back in my day was all about the candy.

Until I was too old for trick-or-treating. Then it was time for a new generation to take over.

Except Halloween was too good to last.

Big city problems invaded suburbia. Poisoned candy came along. Candy with razor blades appeared. Frickin' HEALTHY "candy" debuted. Trick-or-treating suddenly became dangerous. Even worse, "fun-size" candies kept getting smaller and smaller and smaller, so even if you could find actual candy, it wasn't worth your time. And don't get me started about the houses handing out toothbrushes or stickers or any of that crap.

So now Halloween is more about dressing up than getting maximum candy.

Which is sad for the child-me who once loved the holiday.

But reason to celebrate for the adult-me who is sitting here with a big bowl of U-NO bars all to myself.

Happy Halloween, everybody!

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Categories: DaveLife 2014, DaveToons 2014Click To It: Permalink


  1. B.E. Earl says:

    Saw a kid tonight with a pillowcase, an actual pillowcase like we use to use when we were kids, halfway filled with candy. He was one of only three trick-or-treaters I saw all evening. But he had a fucking pillowcase halfway filled with candy. Best I ever did was about a quarter filled.

    So jealous. I want a pillowcase halfway filled with candy.

    Or whiskey.

  2. hello haha narf says:

    if i scream TRICK OR TREAT in the comments, will you mail me one?
    because i have never had one and they sound great.

    • Daver says:

      NEVER HAD A U-NO BAR?!? Well okay then… guess I know what I need to bring with me the next time I’m in Pittsburgh!

  3. Ren says:

    We had 50+ trick-or-treaters and it was *all* about the candy! The teenagers didn’t stop on their first pass because, as we found out when they came back by about an hour later, they were headed to the nearby Chipotle for $3 Boo-rittos. As has happened the last couple of years (though we’ve moved since then), most of the kids only take one or a few candies, but one or two attempt (and usually succeed) to take multiple handfuls.

  4. Sarah says:

    I only had a handful of kids come by so I was giving out big handfuls of candy. I know one girl came back three times and I just had to laugh at that. Halloween will always be about getting as much candy as possible for me. It’s sad that it hardly seems that way anymore.

  5. martymankins says:

    We don’t get Trick or Treaters at our home. There are 3 homes (including ours) on our side of the road, which has no sidewalk and barely enough room to move between the homes. So any candy we buy is for ourselves.

    The only trick or treaters I see is at my work when parents bring in their little ones to go from cube to cube and office to office. The popular item they took was the Carmel Apple pops (all gone before I left work)

    I ended up with an entire bag of Mounds (love them) that no one wanted.

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