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Moonbase

Posted on Thursday, January 26th, 2012

Dave!Newt Gingrich is a moron and let me tell you why.

At a campaign stop at Florida's Space Coast, he promised that there will be a permanent American lunar colony within eight years if he is elected president. As if that weren't bad enough, people seem to be crazy in love with the idea.

Putting aside where we're going to get the money to pay for all this when taxes are going to be cut to the bone under a Gingrich presidency, I have to say that this is one of the stupidest ideas I have ever heard.

HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING FROM SPACE:1999?!?

SPACE1999.jpg

For those not in the know, SPACE: 1999 was a 1970's science fiction show that told the cautionary tale of what happens when you build a lunar colony on the moon.

In the series, the founding of Moonbase Alpha leads to earth storing their nuclear waste on the far side of the moon. One day, a strange magnetic radiation causes the waste to go into meltdown and a massive thermonuclear explosion ensues...

SPACE1999Explosion.jpg

And do you know what happens next?

Do you?

THE MOON IS BLASTED OUT OF EARTH ORBIT AND HURLED INTO SPACE, that's what!

Never mind that having our moon gone missing would be devastating for all life on earth because of it fucking up the weather and tides and stuff... that's not even the worst part. No, the worst part is that the humans stuck on the moon will eventually encounter freaky-ass space monsters... freaky-ass space bitches... AND freaky-ass space bitches that turn into freaky-ass space monsters!

SpaceBitches.jpg

And there you have it. Vote for Newt Gingrich if you must, but only if you want to lose our moon and have American citizens face space bitches that turn into space monsters (which, admittedly, would be a terrific candidate for the fourth Mrs. Gingrich... COINCIDENCE?!?).

As for me? I choose to REMEMBER MOONBASE ALPHA! SAY NO LUNAR COLONIZATION! SAY NO TO NEWT GINGRICH!

NOTONEWTGINGRICH.jpg

It's at times like these that I truly fear for this country. Spread the word. Save us all.

Comments

  1. the muskrat says:

    I’m even scareder than I was 5 minutes ago.

  2. Sybil Law says:

    Hahahaha = I love you!

  3. Iron Fist says:

    But just think about what the discovery of freaky ass space-bitches would do for the lyrics of the emerging field of sci-fi hip-hop! But you know, you’re probably right, we sure don’t need the complications that would go with having a moonbase right now. America’s got 99 problems but the moon ain’t one.

  4. Michael Gardner says:

    Let’s not forget the treaty that the US was a signatory to the 1967 Space treaty ensuring that nations would not be “building moon-bases, mars outposts, or claiming territory in space.” See this link.

    mG

    • Dave2 says:

      Ha! Like Newt Gingrich cares about some stupid treaty! We’re the USA! We don’t have to give a shit about other countries! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

      :-)

  5. whall says:

    I had no idea you were so anti-Immigrant.

  6. B.E. Earl says:

    Yeah, but Space: 1999 brought Martin Landau and Barbara Bain together* which, in turn, gave us Juliet Landau and the delicious Drusilla on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. So there’s that.

    *I’m totally ignoring that they were married in the fifties and had Juliet in the sixties. Just because. Just for scuz.

  7. Ren says:

    My first thought when I heard that Newt had said something along these lines was, “and they said that Obama was pandering with the pipeline issue?!”

  8. Bluerose says:

    No, actually it’s not Mission: Impossible that brought Martin and Barbara together. It was the Actors Studio in New York City, in 1955, almost a dozen years before Mission.

  9. I watched Space: 1999 as a kid and I have good memories of it. Totally scared of watching it now as I fear it would be complete crap. Some things from youth are best left as memories. Again, I’m looking at you Karate Kid.

  10. martymankins says:

    Vahid’s ending line in his comment was FTMFW!

    I’m telling you, this moon stuff and freaky-ass bitches might be good for the economy. Just think how many Kardashians would sign up for this. “On The Moon With The Kardashians”

  11. Geekytaitai says:

    This is such an awesome post and so hilarious!

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