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Posted on Tuesday, January 18th, 2005

Dave!I am to the point right now where I quite honestly don't know what to make of American society. We've become a nation of hypocrisy that defies all logic to understand, but so long as it's labeled "conservatism" everybody seems to be onboard with it. I don't know whether to laugh or cry, but it's become so annoying that what I really want to do is beat the crap out of somebody.

(Then submit a video of said beating to America's Funniest Home Videos so I can win $10,000).

Today's rant brought to you by your friends at the FCC, this country's first and last defense of common decency!

The Federal Communications Commission was founded in 1934 to regulate communications via radio, television, wire, satellite, and cable. Unfortunately, the same prude bitches that formed the committee in 1934 are apparently still in charge. So let's see... assuming the average age of its membership back in the beginning was 35, that would make them 106-years-old today.

And there you have it! That explains everything! The most popular show on television is CSI: Crime Scene Investigation which regularly features graphic depictions of gore and violence. The most popular new show on television is Desperate Housewives which regularly features graphic depictions of sex, sexual innuendo, and sex. Yet the FCC has no problem at all with such programming. What they do have a problem with is a nipple on a breast flashed on the screen for 5 seconds (FINED!). They don't have a problem with Oprah discussing oral anal sex, but they do have a problem with Howard Stern discussing the same subject (FINED!). It's random bullshit that even a genius couldn't figure out (I should know... I am a genius, and I sure can't).

To me, this is compelling evidence that the FCC is indeed staffed by 106-year-old geriatric, senile, ass-clowns just as I suspected! They don't know what they hell they're doing because they've lost all cognitive ability. Their brains simply don't work anymore. The lights are on, but nobody is home. And because of this, television networks live in fear.

Case in point: Showing a cartoon with a naked ass in 1965: ACCEPTABLE. Showing a cartoon with a naked ass in 2003: ACCEPTABLE. Showing a cartoon with a naked ass in 2005: WHO THE f#@% KNOWS! And that's why FOX television decided to blur out the cartoon ass on a cartoon character in a cartoon show (the brilliant Family Guy) in a recent cartoon airing. A CARTOON! They have no idea if such a thing will get them fined, so they're having to play it safe so that an organization who controls what we are allowed to watch won't punish them.

And that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. f#@% the FCC for being outrageously inconsistent and generally STUPID. f#@% FOX Television for being such pu$$ies. f#@% EVERYBODY ELSE for allowing stupid shit like this to happen in the first place. What's next? The internet is communication and under FCC jurisdiction... so will the dumbasses decide that web content needs to be regulated? Well, better safe than sorry! From now on, all nude cartoon representations of myself will be appropriately censored...

Toon Nudity

And, as another public service for conservative America, here's a clue: IF WHAT'S ON TELEVISION OFFENDS YOUR HYPOCRITICAL ASS, THEN GET RID OF YOUR f#@%ING TELEVISION! OBVIOUSLY YOU'RE NOT SMART ENOUGH TO TURN SOMETHING OFF WHEN IT BOTHERS YOU, SO DO US ALL A FAVOR AND JUST DON'T WATCH IT!! That way, we can abolish the FCC, and let advertising dollars and television ratings dictate what stupid crap is aired on TV... exactly as the founding fathers of this country intended.

Categories: DaveToons 2005, Television 2005Click To It: Permalink


  1. Neil T. says:

    Okay, please tell me that your… ahem… ‘johnson’ isn’t as long as that in real life?

  2. Ben says:

    Wow, I had no idea you where getting into the amateur pr0n business.

    I must say it’s about time.


  3. Dave2 says:

    It may be a cartoon, but I do strive for it to be an accurate reflection… 🙂

  4. karla says:

    Mmm…Nice cartoon ass…
    Seriously, I am so with you on the stupid censorcism in American tv. My favorite Norwegian show, called “Sigurds World” is a Norwegian travelog hosted by a guy named, yup, Sigurd. It’s hilarious, and in 75% of the episodes he ends up buck nekkid for some reason. Skiing nekkid, riding cemls nekkid, whatever, he’s giggling away at how silly it all is. No censorship whatsoever. I like that healthy attitude.
    Besides, I’ve always wondered why violence is not censored but sex is? Violence is way worse than boobs and butts….

  5. Randy says:

    Beautiful rant. This is what keeps me coming back.

    Hey, don’t you wish you could have seen W’s face last night when the rock star guy opened his set with something like, “what a f%^$&#ng country”…Oh, but maybe he was home already watching re-runs of “Green Acres” as he made the 150th revision of his Inaugural Address…

  6. michelle says:

    illiterates can’t write their own speeches……….

  7. JoeBruin88 says:

    All people are hypocritical, not just conservatives. Who cares about tv anyways?

  8. Dave2 says:

    I didn’t say only conservatives are hypocritical… I said that hypocracy is being labeled as “conservatism” which somehow makes it acceptable now. Slap “family values” on something, no matter how much it doesn’t make sense, and everybody hops on board.

    And I care about television… it’s just that there seems to be less and less worth watching anymore.

  9. Imp Teaser says:

    I’m putting this on my myspace page, that way anyone who see’s it will know I’m not the only one that feels this way.
    Y’think there’s enough space to lock up everybody that’s had enough? What if everybody sent a copy of this to the FCC? It may be three years old at this point, but I’m guessing it’s at least as valid, if not more so.
    Hey, at least Family Guy came back and is now available (UNCENSORED!!!) on DVD.
    Go Stewie!!

  10. My poor, deluded fellow. You don’t get the point, do you? If we could understand the sublime, sophisticated reasoning of those brave bastions of morality, the FCC, we wouldn’t need them! We need them because we can’t. The average person, or even a genius such as you and I, cannot discern the subtle differences of such a purified moral system.

    As for backside displays, the buttocks of such 1960s notables as the title character of “Leave it to Beaver” and title actor of “The Andy Griffith Show” were displayed on television (albeit through photographs of when they were quite young). This is because these were shown to those who lived in the pure, wholesome, completely non-sexual decade of the 1960s. No one before the 1975 cinematographical classic “Deep Throat” ever thought of buttocks in a sexual way. This also explains the complete and wholesome purity of the exhibited buttocks of the Coppertone Girl.

    As a further example, until recent years, certain words were automatically considered obscene for the purpose of public broadcast by the FCC. George Carlin, the naieve, ignorant would-be comedian who hasn’t got a clue as to what’s really happening, made a routine out of this. It’s commonly referred to as the “Seven Dirty Words.” Saying any of these words in a public broadcast was automatically an obscenity offense. One of these is a four-letter word that starts with “p.”

    Note the following, from the King James Version of the Bible.

    2 Kings 18:27
    “But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own p*ss with you?”

    (The offending word has been censored to protect any young children who might otherwise see this mention of the clear, amber-colored, excreted bodily fluid. We would all hope that children would know nothing of such thing).

    Let’s hope the FCC increases it’s censorship, lest other such offensive verses that could be considered by the prurient as bottomy are aired. For example:

    2 Peter 2:16 (Whole Chapter)
    “But was rebuked for his iniquity: the dumb ass speaking with man’s voice forbad the madness of the prophet.”

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