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Posted on Thursday, April 14th, 2011

Dave!Every time you turn around, something is responsible for turning everybody gay.

Show gay characters kissing on television, it turns people gay. Play gay lyrics on the radio, it turns people gay. Allow two dudes to get married, it turns people gay. Let gays serve in the military, it turns people gay. Anything that's gay is turning people gay. "Experts" say that this is because "validating the homosexual lifestyle" makes people think "it's okay to be gay" and, as a result, "kids turn gay because they think it's acceptable behavior."

Well okay then.

This would explain the drama unfolding over a J. Crew advertisement where a mother is having weekend fun with her young son by painting his toenails pink...

JCrew Ad with Pink Toenails

This caused a contributor over at (wait for it) FOX News, "Doctor" Keith Ablow, to declare that this kind "gender identity" confusion will require "psychotherapy for the kid." In other words, painting his toenails pink is turning him gay. Or, best case scenario, causing him to be confused about being straight.

Apparently whether he ends up liking vagina or penis is inconsequential to his sexual identity. It's the color of his toenails for one day when he's five years old that determines whether he's into clam or sausage.

Well okay then.

I guess it was a mistake to put Bad Monkey is charge of makeup around here...

DAVETOON: Bad Monkey Painting Lil' Dave's Toenails Pink

Now, I'm no expert but maybe... just maybe... all this stuff isn't turning people gay at all. Perhaps they were gay all along, and seeing that "it's okay to be gay" on television and in music and in the military and in marriage just means that they can be honest with everybody about who they've always been.

Or... or... all their mothers painted their toenails pink for a day when they were five years old.

Because who am I to argue with a "doctor?"

But hold on a second...

If homosexuality is a product of gender confusion and pink nail polish, then how do you explain somebody like Gareth Thomas? He grew up in working-class Wales. He didn't have any gay influences and felt alone and different in his environment. He's a total badass in one of the toughest, most "masculine" sports on earth. He even got married because that's what was expected of him. And yet... he's gay?

Um. Yeah. Something tells me that he never got his toenails painted pink or wore a dress or played with dolls or did any of the "girlie" things that would make some poor, young, impressionable kid turn gay. On the contrary, his environment should have been enough to insure that any gay demons he had were duly excised.

So what the fuck happened?

And what about those kids who grow up in liberal hippie communes like Portland, Oregon where being gay is not only "okay"... it's embraced as an essential character trait and roundly encouraged by society? How the fuck does anybody growing up in that gay-friendly utopia ever turn out straight? What about straight kids who grew up with gay parents? Holy crap... those kids are around people being gay EVERY DAY!

Well, I'm no expert but maybe... just maybe...

   

Seriously. Am I the only one who goes insane when I see this stupid crap? Does logic play absolutely no part in our thinking anymore? Are people so poorly conditioned to believe the fucked up shit they see in the "news" that they will believe something no matter how outrageous and unlikely it sounds? I know I've been harping on this very subject all week... but WHAT THE FUCK?!?

I'm not going to lie. Continuous bombardment by teh stupid is really starting to mess with my head. But there's no escaping it. This is all I see anymore. At some point, I'm going to have to take a break from the news, the internet, and society in general.

Or just stay the course and end up in an asylum for the criminally insane.

Which might not be so bad, because I'll finally be isolated from the news, the internet, and society in general.

Comments

  1. Invader_Stu says:

    I agree. I’ve never understood this kind of thing. Not just with the whole ‘gay fear’ thing but everything from blaming violence on music or what not. Don’t the people who scream this and that is a bad influence realize that what they are saying is the real bad influence. Basically they are saying it is wrong to be gay, make it sound ok to hate gay people and make gay people feel like shit. People like that are just stupid.

  2. Mel says:

    Thinking turns you gay, too. I know because Glenn Beck told me.

  3. Oh crap! My son is gonna be gay. I painted his toenails when he was smaller & we were playing dress up with his sisters….. sigh. If only I had had extremely stupid & closed minded people to tell me about this sooner!!!

    Oh wait, I don’t care if my son wants to be gay or straight? Whew! That’s a load off my mind!

  4. Sarkawt says:

    Please, my dear friend, I know very well how hard this matter has been on you, but stay strong. Yes, I would rather see you take a break from the news and society for awhile than end up in an asylum, God forbid!

  5. eva says:

    I agree…I get migraines from rolling my eyes into the back of my head sometimes. I thought about turning to yoga or meditation, but I am told that that shit turns you gay. (ya just can’t win)

  6. delmer says:

    The best thing about seeing Ablow talk about this was that it gave me some perspective regarding an interview I saw him do with Beck on, maybe, Good Morning America. Beck is mostly an idiot (and yet, his people were the first to shed light on the recent O’keefe tape) but when I saw him on GMA with Ablow I had a moment where I thought, “perhaps he’s not insane all the time.” Having Ablow — a man I, admittedly, knew nothing about — with him lent him a tiny bit of credibility. It was a little confusing.

    Now that I see Ablow is a twit the world is right again.

  7. Sybil Law says:

    GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
    I love J. Crew.
    I can’t even comment on the stupidity because it will make my head explode.

  8. Megan says:

    This is a plot to distract all the intelligent, sane people away from all the insanity and stupidity going on in DC. I’m convinced of it.

  9. Avitable says:

    Also, me? I’m manly and I have MY toenails painted.

  10. B.E. Earl says:

    I dunno man. Look at Adam. He started painting his toes a while back and now? Big gay bear. ;)

    Seriously though, I had never heard of Gareth Thomas before. Good for him. I hope his fellow rugby players treat him with respect. Only a matter of time before more sports figures come out. In baseball and basketball, we’ve seen retired players come out, but none while active. All because of perceived negative attitudes against them. Sad.

  11. Ren says:

    Fear trumps logic, so it’s all too easy to understand why people say and do these idiotic things.

    My hope is that the fear is primarily a result of self-loathing triggered by societal pressures and thus, as the societal pressures gradually lessen, we will see a trend away from the fear. (Well, this specific fear — sadly, I expect there will always be new fears.) Unfortunately, those who already have the fear will (already are) simply react even more aggressively in the face of the fading of the societal pressures.

  12. DrRuss says:

    I am planning on getting my fingernails and toenails painted pink today after reading your posting. I hope to send you pics when done.

  13. Suebob says:

    I watched the video and it is just beautiful how his face changes when he gets to the part of the story where he starts telling the truth. He blossoms right there on camera. That is what I love and that is what my life is about – finding those things that make me and other people open up like a flower and going toward them. It’s all that is worthwhile. One of my favorite questions is “What do you REALLY like to do?” Hearing how people change when they are talking about their passions, even if their passion is sitting on the couch with their kids – it is beautiful.

  14. Sarah says:

    Clam or sausage. Heh. I have to laugh otherwise all this bullshit will drive me nuts.

  15. Lora says:

    One of my brothers carried arounda white handbag for the better part of a year when he was about 5. He also liked to have a manicure like mom’s. He’s almost 40 now and is so not gay. More like militantly heterosexual. Take that “Dr.” Ablow!

  16. Mary Sue says:

    I just have to laugh and laugh at the people and their silly binary notions of gender.

  17. Mad William says:

    I am going to start shopping at JCrew now.

    I agree with you Dave, the world has gone mad! And I have to admit, A little color on my nails now and then is kind of fun. According to the “Doctor”, it must just be a matter of time before I find out I’m gay, and or need therapy.

    What a f-ing quack.

  18. claire says:

    Love J Crew. Love Gareth Thomas. Awesome. You too, Dave.

    As for the rest, WHY DO THEY CARE? And don’t tell me it’s because they want to save souls.

  19. Mik says:

    Dang, grand kids are going to be screwed up! When the girls play dress up and paint their nails the boys join in too.

    The mind boggles!

  20. Troy says:

    I had heard about this early in the week – though not through Canadian news or anything. I think it was a comment on another blog.

    I thank the Canadian regulators for not allowing Fox News into Canada. We don’t need this fear-mongering, truth-bending in Canada.

  21. martymankins says:

    The idea that these “experts” and “doctors” know how things work amazes me. Let’s try not paying them for their opinions on a media-centric news channel and see how “honest” they are.

    Fear drives people to think less and be controlled more.

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