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Cock!

Posted on Thursday, March 4th, 2010

Dave!From now on, I'm just going to assume that every politician, religious leader, FOX Newscaster, or man on the street who actively fights against equal rights for gays is a closeted homosexual. As history has shown us over and over again, it's a theory that has a solid basis in fact. Ultimately this will save me a lot of time wondering what makes these people such raging douchebags, because the answer ultimately ends up being that they doth protest too much. Sure they rail against those "filthy homos" so they can preserve the sanctity of marriage and protect families, but at the end of the day all they really want is a big ol' Cock Sandwich.*

Roy Ashburn
Senator Roy Ashburn Wants Cock!

Ted Haggard
Reverend Ted Haggard Wants Cock!

Though it's difficult to celebrate too hard when these douchebag hypocrites get caught doing exactly what they publicly oppose, because it's really more sad than funny.

We live in such a messed up unforgiving society that these poor guys are conditioned to hate themselves because of who they are. So they spend their lives lashing out against the people that are everything they despise... which turns out to be people just like them. They somehow think that if they pass enough laws against homosexuals, preach the gospel against homosexuals, or broadcasting hate again against homosexuals, that it will somehow turn them straight. Or perhaps they think it compensates for the "perversion" that they've been convinced is within them. I really don't know what makes them do what they do, but I know it makes me sad to think of how painful their lives must have been all this time.

But then I think about my many gay friends who have suffered because of assholes like Reverend Ted Haggard, and the sadness disappears to become anger. Or I think of people I've known who have been killed by drunk drivers like Senator Roy Ashburn, and the compassion fades to outrage. The hateful crap these fuckers do makes life miserable and dangerous for people I care about, so suddenly making fun of their hypocritical bullshit seems like a rational response. I live to see these pathetic dumbasses get caught with their pants down (so to speak).

And now I guess I just sit back and wait for Rush Limbaugh's inevitable gay scandal.

It would explain so much.

   

*Cock Sandwich has a nice symmetry to it, being the perfect entrée for my earlier creation, Penis Salad...

DAVETOON: Would you like some fries with your Penis Salad and Cock Sandwich?

All that's missing is some Dick Pudding, and it's a meal fit for Senator Larry Craig!

Comments

  1. MIke says:

    With Rush, I fear it will be something much more shocking than merely a bit of “fancy” in the men’s room. Don’t ask me what it is exactly but it HAS to be something bad. It probably involves one armed midgets in ballerina outfits and several specially- trained monkeys.

  2. Robin says:

    Haggard wants cock AND meth, David. We can’t forget the meth…and the man attached to the cock has to be big and veiny…

    It’s all about the details.

  3. Crail00 says:

    First, my apologies. I should have tuned into your posting before listening to Craig Ferguson(CBS Late Night Showor is that Late, Late Night Show) who tore into Senator Ashburn – or should that be Assburn. LOL

    Anyway, your posting was right on point.

    Thanks a bunch

  4. Absurdist says:

    Praise the lord and halleluia my brother! AMEN!!!

    I’m not gay, but I want me a cock sandwich please….

    And I wait for the day the day that ALL men are truly equal in this country. Fuck “CREATED” equal. We’re already created equal. How about “treated” equally.

    I don’t go around saying “Hi. My name is Michelle. I’m hetero. Can I donate blood?”

    How the fuck does a bloodmobile know that someone is gay anyway? Is there some kind of swish test or something?

    Makes me want to erradicate all old fucks from politics over the age of 55 from government. And don’t get me started on any corporate fuck age 55 and older. Good ole boys and all. ARGH!

    Okay, enough. I could go on all day!

  5. Michelle says:

    Hear, Hear!

    Perhaps two olives are in order for a cock sandwich.

  6. christie says:

    You shouldn’t assume Fox News casters don’t want equal rights for gays- I know most of them do. ;-)

    • Dave2 says:

      Well, as I said, I was only addressing “every FOX Newscaster who actively fights against equal rights for gays,” so if there are FOX Newscasters out there who are fighting to allow gay marriage, repeal Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, allow gay couples to adopt, and basically have all the rights that straights do… then I wasn’t assuming anything about them.

      • christie says:

        yes… most of them want those things too.
        And using that logic perhaps it’s safe to say that most “anchors” on MSNBC (and some on CNN)think that if you’re male, white, and lean to the right you are directly linked tot he Devil, and are a greedy racist.
        sorry for getting defensive but I’m a liberal and my husband is a conservative and he hears this stuff all the time. It’s gets old and tiring.
        (btw- there re anchors on Fox News who are Democrat, anchors who are gay, anchors who are Libetarian… etc). You shouldn’t assume.
        I adore your blog, but I can’t laugh at simpley everything nd agree with everything. Sorry for getting all yappy hehe

        • Dave2 says:

          As I’ve said twice now, I am not assuming anything. Just as I am not saying all politicians and all religious leaders and every man on the street is actively working to destroy equality (they were also in my list), I am also not not saying all the people at FOX News are guilty of the same. I have clearly stated that I am speaking ONLY to those individuals within those groups who specifically propagate inequality and hatred towards people.

          That being said… FOX News is easy to pick out as an example of where this thinking lays, and I mentioned them because many of their most popular and vocal “news” personalities are clearly in that camp, including Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, and Mike Huckabee. They’re the people FOX News is known for. But, as I’ll say one more time, I am not proposing that they are indicative of every other person working at FOX News and was very careful to say so. Obviously there are FOX News employees like Geraldo Rivera who have a different viewpoint, and I don’t doubt that there are others.

          And no apologies are needed! I read plenty of blogs myself where I don’t agree with their every opinion, and I don’t expect that everybody will agree with all of mine. :-)

  7. Justin Scott says:

    OMJesus, lolz.

    Thank you for this.

  8. Finn says:

    You are on to something here.

    Now, what kind of sauce is on the cock sandwich? Wait, don’t tell me…

  9. Spot on, as you normally are with these freaks. Sad to see that they are so against the very thing they hide in their lives, which doesn’t really injure them more than it injures those that are trying to lead responsible and fulfilling lives.

  10. MIke says:

    In keeping with the theme of making the world a better place, at least, by the magic of Photoshop.

  11. Sybil Law says:

    Fuckers.
    I am seriously waiting for a bigger Rush scandal, too. That guy is all shades of fucked up.

  12. muskrat says:

    Expecting politicians to NOT be hypocritical these days is, it seems, naive at best.

  13. whall says:

    Sir, you doth protest too much.

    You know you love Rush.

  14. Ok, this post made the milk come down my nose. Which was odd because I wasn’t drinking milk.

    Spot on observation though.

  15. RW says:

    Carbunkle butt? Gay?

    Nah… Rush is just another run of the mill draft dodger. :-)

  16. Mik says:

    “Dick pudding” make some yearn for some spotted dick, er, yes, it is a British dessert, you can buy it over here, really!

  17. What surprises me the most about the 55+ crowd (the leading) is how so many of my peers (I am NOT that old!) espouse this homobigot crap. You would think that having grown up during the turbulent 60s that far more of us would be more open-minded. Sadly, you just can’t argue with teh st00pid.

  18. A. Lewis says:

    Filthy Homo Speaking Here: I had no idea that conservative, upstanding homo-hating Republicans liked cock so much. Huh. Who would’a thunk it.

  19. I don’t know. I think I would prefer Cock Cake.

  20. walt says:

    I’m hoping Rush is actually actor Fred Savage as was in a Family Guy episode. That would be much greater to me than knowing he likes to take it or someone would actually have sex with him. ew, they would have to be really messed up in the head.

  21. SFChick74 says:

    I’ve been saying the same thing. By the way, you are right. Ashburn is gay. According to the below news story, he outed himself today.

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