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Posted on Wednesday, August 26th, 2009

Dave!Despite the fact that Salt Lake City's airport is a mere 6 miles from downtown, it will run you about $20 (+tip) for the privilege of being driven there by a taxi. My hotel, however, pushes for a private transportation company which runs an outrageous $25 (+tip). Having fallen for that trick before, I requested a METERED TAXI instead of the private car. This caused the valet to freak out. He started jabbering on about how a taxi would take a half-hour to arrive, and it only saves you $3... AS HE WAS LOADING MY LUGGAGE INTO THE PRIVATE CAR.

Not wanting to argue, I just went along with the scam. But I was fuming, and nobody got a tip.

I don't give a crap if I have to leave five hours early and book the taxi myself, next time these assholes are not getting any of my money. I cannot wait for Salt Lake's local TRAX light rail to be run out to the airport sometime in 2013. Then I'll be able to tell these rip-off taxi companies and hotel scammers to kiss my ass. I mean, seriously, TWENTY-FIVE-DOLLARS? That works out to over $100 an hour! For that kind of insane money, I expect to get blown after my luggage is unloaded.


When my flight arrived at Boise, Idaho, I got a text telling me that my connecting flight to Seattle was delayed. This meant I would miss my final connecting flight home. Seeing that there was a flight leaving immediately, I ran to the gate and managed to get on the earlier plane just as they were closing the doors. My luggage wouldn't make it home, but at least I wouldn't be stuck in Seattle's airport (WITH NO FREE WI-FI!) until midnight.

The upshot being that I would now have a four hour layover in Seattle, which was plenty of time to grab some lunch.

Which is when I overheard this...

GIRL ONE: Do you want a bottle of water with your salad?
GIRL TWO: No, I need to cut down on my calories.

Needless to say, I was mystified... calories in WATER?!?

Davesani Water Bottle

Isn't water the stuff where you look at the Nutrition Facts and everything is ZERO... because it's like... fucking WATER?!?

Davesani Nutrition Facts: IT'S WATER YOU DUMBASS!

Just when I think that people couldn't possibly get any more stupid, something comes along to prove me wrong.

Unless there's some new high-calorie water out that I don't know about...

Tags: , , ,
Categories: Food 2010, Travel 2009Click To It: Permalink


  1. Pachinko Sid says:

    Bacon Flavored water.. 🙂

  2. Poppy says:

    There may be no calories in it, but we’re big bags of water, and girls think about it this way: The more water we drink the higher the number on the scale… because we retain it.

    Still, that was a dumb sentence to come out her mouth.

  3. Avitable says:

    It’s times like that when you should actually talk to these people and see exactly how stupid they really are.

  4. Sybil Law says:

    That water incident is hilarious!
    Also, the cab fare is ridiculous! Amazing. Assholes.

  5. Hilly says:

    Wow, seriously….how fucking stupid can people be that they don’t know that water has zero calories?

    I weep for humanity. 😉

  6. I went through that taxi pain when I was in Toronto a few years back. I was in a hotel right next to the airport, and they used these special cabs that started with a $20.00 base to zone X and then ran a meter for any kms past that point.

    And yeah, the hotel freaked when I just called in a different cab company. Apparently it was some sort of reciprocal contract they had with each other.

    Clearly they are more concerned about making money than taking care of their clients.

  7. Sue says:

    For plain water, no calories. For Vitamin water, since they add sugar to it, calories. Or 10 calories if you get it with the splenda stuff instead of real sugar. But, yeah, that’s hilarious. Besides, anybody who’s REALLY smart about losing weight knows to stay hydrated.

    That reminds me of something I might read on The Customer is Not Always Right.

  8. Finn says:

    Is it any wonder the rest of us are insane? I always imagine that the wacko homeless guy on the streetcorner was driven ’round the bend by that encounter with stupidity that topped off his life allotment.

  9. Nenette says:

    Maybe she was thinking of the sweetened, flavoured, vitamin water… or maybe I’m just giving her too much credit and she’s just stupid.

  10. Howard says:

    I wish all labels on products were that blunt. Maybe make a new deck of cards like that. “It a chain saw, shithead. I will cut your ass.”

  11. Wow. She needed to be smacked on the head. Jar loose some of those errant IQ points drifting around in the air between her ears.

  12. A Lewis says:

    oh no, babe, the stupidty races on….everywhere. I’m so tired of ’em.

    As for getting blown after loading your luggage…….

  13. martymankins says:

    I think the deals these hotels cut with private companies is a bit too much. What happened to their own shuttles? Cut down due to costs? I remember you saying something about the lack of shuttle for Hampton Inn the last time you were here.

    Most plain water has zero calories. Maybe these girls see something in a bottle and think it’s got added calories due to how much it costs.

    At least with DaveSani water, you get to keep the bottle (instead of it being poured into a Styrofoam cup so you can’t injure people with the bottle)

  14. Yes, the high-calorie water was developed by Willy Wonka. He could never work out the kinks in that meal-in-a-gum that turned violet violet when it was time for blueberry pie for dessert. Wonka scrapped the gum idea during the energy drink craze and came up with meal-in-a-bottle-of-water. Sure it looks like water, but there’s a whole meal in there… including the calories.

    Do you remember the SNL spoof of clear Pepsi? Clear Gravy? Well, this new water is kind of like that.

  15. Michael A says:

    Cab-fare pansy.

    Our house in Seattle is ~25 miles from the airport. It takes just over half an hour to drive there (at o’dark thirty), and cab fare is over $50. From my office, it’s ~18 miles, and fare is over $40. Our light rail will reach the airport this December, but you still have to get downtown first in order to catch it. 🙁

  16. kilax says:

    Jeez! That is dissapointing that the transportation there is so crappy. I hate scams like that.

    Hmm. Maybe she was worried about water weight? Ha ha.

  17. This world is scaring me!

  18. i would have had to have hit her in that fucking stupid head of hers with a full bottle of water.

    and you are totally within your right to say “YES, I WANT A METERED CAB, WHY ARE YOU PUTTING MY BAGS IN THE CAR I WON’T BE RIDING IN, FUCKER?” (actually, if you do that next time, i will match you the stupid five dollars so you will have ten extra bucks!)

  19. You’ve had a couple of rants lately that have made my day. This is one of them. That label on the water bottle kicks ASS!

  20. whall says:

    YAY for well-timed texts! Imagine THAT ten years ago.

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