I am quite possibly the greatest person to have ever lived, and will undoubtedly continue to be so until the end of time.
I put that out there because the blogosphere seems to be all introspective and analytical on themselves lately, and I thought that I'd jump on board. It's easy for me because I am so sublimely perfect. I don't shy away from taking a deep, penetrating look at myself because the outcome is always the same... I am a really terrific person. Smart, funny, witty, charming, clever, accomplished, loyal, logical, creative, kind, helpful, friendly, trustworthy, humble... they're all words you could use to describe me, and the list goes on and on. It just doesn't get much better than me.
But I'm boring you with things you already know.
Not that I could ever be boring! Heavens no! I'm just being redundant.
Though I'm not being redundant because I don't think you're smart enough to get it the first time around... perish the thought! You're nifty! I like you! And coming from a person like me, that's saying a lot. You should feel really special. Because you are special. I like you, so how could you not be?
If I have one failing, it's that I'm too giving.
I'm a giver.
Just look at this blog! I write here every day because people demand it. People just love me, and who am I to deny sharing a bit of myself with them? But I don't need to tell you that. You're here reading this, so you already know how much you love me!
Guess I should add "modest" to the massive list of traits that describe how great I am.
Now if only somebody would build that fifty-story monument to my awesomeness that I've always wanted, we could all move on with our lives... secure in the knowledge that future generations will be able to partake in my legacy of greatness...
Now, don't you feel a little better about yourself because you've read Blogography today?
Sure you do! Life is good because I'm in it!
One last thing before I go... does anybody know where my car keys are? I could have sworn I had them when I drove home from work...
UPDATE: DING! DING! DING! DING! We have a winner...
An unapproved comment has been posted on your blog Blogography, for entry #3612 (Idiopathic). You need to approve this comment before it will appear on your site.
I think you're having an allergic reaction to your ego. Good luck with that.
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Thank you clueless anonymous commenter in Minnesota! I was beginning to think that we wouldn't get that one person who has no concept of sarcastic humor!
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Let me know when you get the email that just took you seriously, k? I always get a kick out of those.
We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!
What sad is that I actually think that would make a pretty cool monument – I mean, you’ve thought it out so well! It all works! I have to say, though – the revolving restaurant is perilously close to your junk – or did you plan it that way?!
Very funny post.
I’ve been googling to find the name of the character on SNL, portrayed by Al Franken; with no luck.
Your post reminds me of him (the character).
Dave – I love this post. I would travel to your monument every year and worship at your headstone gladly!
The keys to your new car are in the mail.
Love ya Dave!
Mean it.
I’ve got one question…Does the revolving restaurant serve cheesecake?
And I have your keys.
I have your car keys. You can have them back when I get a free lifetime pass to your “revolving restaurant.”
I’m so relieved to know that I’m nifty. I have always hoped so. 🙂
I’m really glad you thought to put the revolving restaurant above the sacrificial altar so that when I visit I can watch people die while I eat. Awesome!
I, for one, am happy that the belt of restaurant is symbolically across the tummy, because the Symbolism Of Dave has always been important to me.
I’ve always loved this graphic, but you know the corporate bastards that would have to be involved in such an effort would move the giftshop to the bottom floor where the tour lets out. I’m just sayin’.
In your pockets from yesterday? Jacket, pants, shirt, messenger bag, backpack?
Failing that, underneath something like mail or something you read yesterday.
Oh my God and I am totally friends with you! That means that I have touched greatness! Literally! This also means that everyone else can suck it! I am friends with Mister Awesome!
So what would be the dress code to get into the monument?
No pants required, obviously. But you may want to bring along a good pair of walking shoes.
The statue / monument / visitors center / toruist trap reminds me of the erection *giggle* of Cartman in an episode of “South Park” where an experiment with sea monkeys produced a vibrant yet zealous culture revolving around their gigantic leader.
If there’s a light-rail station nearby — I’ll visit.
@Crail00 – “Stuart Smalley” is his name.
I clicked through to ask you to publish the hate mail you’ll receive because of this … I see RW beat me to it.
(But I admire you sooo much I had to comment anyway … just to be a small part of your life.)
You’re such a bag o douche. I took my pants off to write this comment.
LOVE IT.
you are right you are way awesomer than just about any awesome thing I can think of. You are like uberawesometastic. With awesome sauce – which clearly is served in the revolving restaurant of awesomeness.
Awesome
You are the reason there is sunshine, flowers and air to breathe.
I take it the sacrificial altar will be vegetarian?
I would absolutely love to worship at your temple Dave…
Boy do I feel better about myself today! Thanks!
I refuse to visit your monument until you install the slide that extends from your crotch.
Just like the one in real life.
And to think I have your phone number and could call you at any time.
Hm, that statue reminds me of the Bender pharaoh statue in a Futurama episode…
Jester… You are so very privileged! I hope you know that. You may be a second-class citizen who can’t marry in the state of California, but you have me on speed-dial, and that’s gotta count for something.
SSP… Oh yeah, the one where Bender was pharaoh! That was a terrific episode! Except that was a cartoon, and this is real-life.
Don’t sell yourself short, man!
Of course this is real… let’s just hope your minions remain in a better mood than Bender’s!
So I may have seen something about this post on twitter… 😉
Does the restaurant serve chocolate pudding? If so, I’d like to make a reservation please.
Thank you, shiny, for answering my question. 🙂
Two questions:
1. What will you be sacrificing on said sacrificial altar?
2. Can I get a job in the gift shop? Thanks!
1. Dumbasses who drive slow in the passing lane.
2. If you are willing to relocate to Washington State once the construction is complete (projected 2018), please forward a resume with references. Umm… you DO have previous gift shop retail experience, don’t you?
Hard to believe I actually know you. It’s amazing you allow people to hang out with you at all without a nominal fee involved.
Dave, you may or not be awesome but this post certainly is.
Also,
*chuckles at the slow drivers comment. I almost hit TWO today on my lunch while driving back to work as I was eating, reapplying my mascara, and texting my boss to let him know I was gonna be late.
Just tell me where to send my weekly tithe. 🙂
LOL thanks for the laugh! I’ll look forward to visiting the temple once it’s built.
What’s this? Burial headstone? No, no, you are way to awesome to die. We need to turn the main entrance into a throne room so that we all can bask in your awesomeness. I’ll start stocking chocolate pudding now so that I’ll have a proper offering.
I just came by to see I’d there was a blog post here today. I heard there MIGHT be.
You. Awesome. Us. Not worthy. 😉
I’m with Hilly- I saw something about this post on twitter today. Briefly.
awesome. i had all these virgins i was collecting and wasn’t quite sure what to do with them.
I have HUGGED greatness! YAY ME!
The only thing that is missing from that monument is that one of the hands needs an iPhone that is like an IMAX projector… Oh, yeah.
I fixed it!
I love Dave!
I am going to start the fan club and pass out flyers about the museum!
I will not wear any pants, but I will wear nice walking shoes!
I will pay money to be his friend!
Does that make up for it? It was an oversight – for realz!
Oh Dave, I think I love you more now that I know the full extent of your greatness. Well not the full extent because you are, after all, too humble to say, but you get the gist.
Dave, I believe you forgot to mention how handsome you are.
Well, that kind of goes without saying… doesn’t it?
🙂
If you don’t have your car keys does that mean you teleported home?
you have issues. i love that about you.
(love the eternal flames. great monument. and great twitter insanity. thanks for the smiles while i had to travel and avoid killing other passengers, dave2 style)
Are you back on this damn statue again? Will you just build it already?
i’d like to head up the ny dept of collecting dumbasses who drive to slow in the passing lane. we have an overabundance of them here and i’m running outta room to bury them. (living next to a graveyard has it’s perks. the junkyard down the road a bit comes in handy as well.) would you prefer that they arrive still breathing or already ‘processed’? do you mind excessive bruising and/or open wounds?
and alas, your monument is near perfection but is missing something. an adult toy store discretely tucked beneath your junk would add the finishing touch. 🙂
I want to know what kind of swag you’re going to have available in the gift shop. It seems like paired miniature Dave Monuments would make great salt and pepper shakers.
It is the awesomeness that is MonkeyDave2. (What, no Bad Monkey monument decorations??)
You are pretty great. In a funny way so am i!!
Greatness runs in the blog family doesn’t it??
>Because you are special. I like you, so how could you not be?
Testify! I know I felt special upon meeting you.
Your ego must have rubbed off on me.
Actually, most of this was spot on.
What? There was contest? I could have pretended I’m a humorless dick, too! Watch:
“Yeah, you probably like the gays, too. That’s so gay.”
See?
Curse you anonymous commenter!
As long as the revolving restaurant serves a pulled pork sandwich as good as the Hard Rock Cafe’s, I’m there.
“I think you’re having an allergic reaction to your ego. Good luck with that.”
^^^
That seriously made my day.
oh my god, oh my god
seriously, if I send you a photo of the real me can you please mockup a graphic like that of a monument for Holly Hall.
omg, omg
I would so appreciate it. And seriously, it would be such fitting graphic for what I want to do as a post.
namely, do a post on why I have a blog.
o please Mr. Dave, it would be ever so nifty!
either way, love love love the graphic
and btw, your one graphic, the one with the ratings on the various star wars movies, that was one my husband’s background on his computer for about a month.
you have a gift!
🙂
Mrs. Hall