Maybe it's because I've just gone through a terrible and traumatic event in my life... but I feel the need to be more active in world events. I have an urge to fight injustice and make this earth a better place for all mankind and the creatures who inhabit her. Kidney stones will do that to you.
And it is with this new-found strength that I have been given the courage to stand up for my beliefs and confront people who I feel are doing something wrong. Even people who I consider friends.
People like Karla.
For quite a while now I've been enjoying her daily exploits as a Texan living in Norway via her witty and entertaining blog called Tales of a Textpatriate. She always has a way of taking the chaos out of my day. A way of bringing order to a universe gone mad. A comforting voice of reason amongst the horrors of my existence. But today all that changed. Today she wrote about something so disturbing that I feel compelled to act.
Karla admitted that she wears fur.
And not just any fur, but the fur of the rare and beautiful faux.
Karla is a faux fur wearer.
At first I thought that she didn't know any better. I sought to educate her as to the cruel nature of the faux fur industry. But she shows no remorse. She told me to "faux off" and when I told her I would be blogging about her reprehensible faux fur wearing lifestyle... she replied in the comments: "you faux right ahead... I faux dare you... faux bitch!!"
And how can I not?
So today. Right here. Right now. I am starting a campaign to save the fauxs from their tragic fate...
It's just not right in this day and age that people are still wearing faux fur. I feel it is my duty to spread the word and help bring an end to this barbaric practice. To argue my case, I've done a little research...
And there you have it. Faux furriers spend millions to hide the true nature of their savagery by advertising that "faux fur is a cruelty-free alternative to other furs". I say ENOUGH! It's time that people learn the TRUTH about faux fur and the entire faux fur industry. I hope you will join me in boycotting faux fur products as a truly inhumane fashion accessory. I can only hope that Karla has a change of heart, and can see that faux fur is nothing more than a life of pain and suffering for innocent creatures who deserve better at our hands.
How is it that we can put a man on the moon, but can't find a way to manufacture fake faux fur??
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Dave, your faux concern is overwhelming.
I am having a faux change of heart.
You faux hero, you…..
It was the cute faux cartoon that did it… wasn’t it?
No, actually I had faux for dinner last night and it gave me heartburn….. I decided not to eat it anymore. Too fattening, as well.
Wow, I had no idea faux were in so much trouble. Don’t I feel faux bad. Guess I’ll have to stick with my ‘roo slippers and not switch to faux.
What’s next? Stopping the various sources of pleather from becoming couches? This is madness.
Yes! Good point! Pleather harvesting IS madness!
I see no reason why modern technology cannot produce fake pleather as well. There is no reason that this magnificent beast need to be slaughtered any longer.
Following my “I’D RATHER GO NAKED THAN WEAR FAUX!” campaign, I’ll get started on my “I’D RATHER SQUAT UNCOMFORTABLY ON THE FLOOR THAN SIT ON PLEATHER!” campaign.
The madness MUST stop. CRUELTY IS NOT HUMANE!!
I have a very expensive pleather bra and panty set that I refuse to give up. They are very warm (well, slightly sweaty,actually) in winter. And I have pleather boots as well. Keep my feet nice and…moist.
Dave, you and I are gonna exchange faux fisticuffs if you keep dissing my faux wardrobe….
What about the poor, misunderstood Polyesters?
I mean, they’re being killed in the millions, EVERY DAY!!
Polyester? Well there goes my wardrobe.
Karla, no need to fight… we’ll just all be naked.
You know, in that case….just continue killing polyesters. 😀
Dave, you have too much spare time. Come visit Norway and get an experience of a lifetime. For instance, shoveling my driveway free from snow.
Errr… I would love to help out, but I don’t think that I could make it to Oslo and back on my lunch hour. 🙂
Did I tell you about my personal experience with a Faux? Two of them, actually.
I was hiking through the woods when my foot became ensnared in a hunter’s trap. I tried everything I could to escape, but to no avail.
Just as I was about to blackout, two cute little Fauxs waddled up to me. They looked at me and saw the pain in my expression. Then they walked away.
I thought I was done for.
Instead, one of them came back with berries to help me hold on to my consciousness. He (she?) just kept bringing me more and more. This continued for what I can only assume was several hours.
I wondered where the other one went until I heard a gunshot ring out in the woods. The Faux that was bringing me food darted into the woods to hide.
Soon, the second Faux came running by me.
About 15 seconds behind it were the pair of hunters that were chasing it. They ceased their chase as soon as they saw me and helped me out of the trap and took me to the hospital where doctors were able to save my foot and stave off any sort of infection.
While the media lauded the hunters as my saviors, I knew it was truly the two Faux that saved me. One brought me sustenance, while the other brought me assistance.
For all I know, those dear little Faux became part of Karla’s coat.
In my heart of hearts, I will always be grateful to Roxy and Foxy (yes, I named them).
See my vest, see my vest, made from real gorilla chest…See my loafers, former gophers, it was that or skin my chauffers.
What about those poor nylons? You can’t forget them.
Maybe we should just be naked. Would save lots of money on clothes, even if it would get a bit cold in winter.
Will this faux fur campaign have a faux t-shirt to spread the faux message?
Friend of Dave, a faux you’ll save
Don’t love dave no mo? Then go club a faux!
Well here’s my dilemma – now that I understand how offensive it is for people to wear faux fur, what do I throw on them? Mink blood? Where the heck do I find that?
You and your activism are really complicating my life, Dave.
I just know there’s a way to tie this into my pubic hair post…
Personally, I’m on a crusade to save the Naugas. Do have any idea how many Nauga hydes it takes to cover a couch? Oh, the horror!
Ha!! When I was little, my brother bought me this little stuffed monster…it was red, it had GIANT teeth, and he called it a “Nauga”. (Because it was made of Naugahyde…I love my brothers.)
I loved the Nauga. So, I agree that we must save them!! Even if they have giant teeth!!
I’m wondering if you can get publicity for this issue on Faux News.
I’d never really thought about the poor faux, nylons, naugas, pleathers, or the polyesters… I’d bever realised the cruelty involved… and then I realised I was too a part of the circle. Everywhere I looked there was another example that I had become a supporter or this heinous industry… My warm and snugly dressing gown is the product of an evil polyester/viscose breeding program…
Oh the horror…
I support fake faux fur only.
wow… the faux have such sad eyes!
Dave, you are truly an amazing man. Thank you for bringing this important — and for some reason, overlooked — issue to light. When I think of those little fauxes, frolicking on The Discovery Channel…and then I imagine them crying in pain as they are murdered to make a crappy trim for their murdered cousin’s (the pleather) jacket…well, it breaks my heart. I am now going to lay in the dark and cry.
Kevin: Did you ever see the movie “The Beastmaster” where a well-muscled, yet oddly oily guy fights crime back in ancient times with the aid of his two ferrets, Kodo & Podo? It was a lot like that.
Cavan: Ewww… those weren’t domesticated chauffeurs were they?!?
Neil: And there’s another vote for naked!
MRK: There really should be a T-shirt to bring notice to the plight of the faux. Poor little fauxs.
Robin: See? We can put that on the T-shirt!
Jen: Complicating people’s lives is what I do. It’s who I am. And I’m just fine with slaughtering mink so we can throw their blood on faux fur wearers. Somebody has to teach them a lesson (both of them!).
Liz: I’m sure that you could make a lovely tea cozy out of woven pubic hair. It’s a renewable resource you know!
Alexis: Naugas have always frightened me. I was chased down the street by a neighbor’s nagua one day when I was very young, and have never forgotten it.
Adena: Perhaps your toy nauga made from nauga hydes was made from naugas who died of old age… it’s terrible to think that a child’s toy could be the product of such cruelty!
Bonnie: Maybe if somebody mispronounced “faux” we’d have a shot? It certainly couldn’t hurt the campaign!
Bec: It’s a tragic realization, to be sure. Just take comfort in knowing that by taking action now you will be saving untold generations of fauxs, pleathers, naugas, and polyesters from being slaughtered!
Ben: If only other people could be so accepting. I mean, I realize that fake faux fur isn’t exactly like real faux fur… but surely it’s close enough?
Sandra: Oh, I must have missed that Discovery Channel program! But I did see an old episode of “The Tonight Show” where Joan Embry brought on a pair of baby fauxs when she visited Johnny Carson! It was classic!
But wait–you can get 4-5 of the faux babies into a *liter?* A liter bottle, or what? How? More importantly, WHY?!?
Now *I* feel compelled to act.
Oooh… a misspelling! That almost ever happens.
Heaven only knows I don’t want to encourage people to put faux babies in a liter bottle, so I’ve corrected it. 🙁
i’m enlightened (finally). if naked is the way to go, then naked everyone should be.
long live faux fur in its pastels, animal prints and fluroscent glory.
And I have to go visit cavan now, because we’re always threatening our dogs with “beret of poodle on my noodle.”
Today as I went to work wearing my pleather boots, naugahyde jacket, faux fur coat, faux fur fedora, polyester pants and nylon shirt, people kept asking me where the ho’s were and I just didn’t get it. Some guy called me *huggy bear’.
Is this faux protest going global or something? I WEAR faux, I don’t hug them…..
Dave, sadly enough, that was kinda where the inspiration came from. I loved that movie as a kid. Those ferrets rocked. As did Tanya Roberts.
It was kinda odd to, within a year or two of each other, see Marc Singer go from Beastmaster, to a blind man, to an alien hunter. That must be the “actor’s arc.” Few live it. He must be proud. 😉
I never knew any of this before. I am filled with shame. Thank you for bringing this to my attention, I’m going to go give my faux sheepskin steering wheel cover a proper burial.
What’s wrong with you people? Did you know that while 90% of all statistics are made up on the spot, a full grown faux carries roughly 62.7% of the worlds rabies? Did you also know that if faux were allowed to breed unchecked they would wipe out the global population of crustaceous enzymatic flooz? Seriously. I think before you attempt to discredit the noble and necessary practice of thinning the faux herds, you should thoroughly check the statistics provided by the Faux Uniting Citizens with Knowledge campaign….F.U.C.K for short. There’s a website somewhere…..yeah.
At any rate, the real crime here is what is being done to spandex. I can’t believe you people have invested so much of your energy into the faux trade which was organized primarily to draw interest away from the ever-increasing repopulation of spandex. Look around you folks! It’s not natural for fabric to cling in such a manner!
I need a tylenol….just think about what you’ve done!
Dave, I’m fairly certain that my toy Nauga was made from a Nauga that had died of natural causes and/or old age.
You see, it was red, and Naugas do not turn red until they are in their twilight years. When they are young and virile, they are a nice, “Corinthian Leather” brown, which is why they are being harvested in the prime of their lives. It’s so sad to think that these amazing creatures (albeit w/ enormous teeth) are being cut down so young.
My Nauga toy was probably made from a Nauga in his 50’s, as it was more Maroon than red. I’m sure he died of Cardiac arrest from seeing the rest of his family destroyed. It’s so sad. Those poor Naugas!
(In a related, disturbing note….I have heard rumours that there is a secret breeding program going on…somewhere near Area 51. Naugas are being bred w/ things like Tangerines, Limes, Concord Grapes, etc. All to obtain unnatural colors of Nauga Hyde…as the buying public seems disinterested in the normal “Corinthian Leather Brown”. It’s horrific. How would YOU like to be bred w/ a Kumquat!! This horrible procedure needs to be stopped!)
That’s as bad as all those people out there who are slaughtering Naugas for their hydes. I hope you’ll consider taking on the plight of the Naugas too…!
Karla, face it–you’re a faux ho.
that was truly one of the best posts i’ve read in awhile…
the laughter ensued with the line “Frisky Siberian Faux, Mandarin Forest Faux, and American Southwest Rattler Faux”…
This post totally reminds me of this.
Also, I thought a lot of faux fur was made from skinned dogs and cats in a certain country – so I banned it anyway. It is kinda gross.
Curse you! I almost believed Fauxes existed! Curse you!
Oh, BTW, I believe that painful feeling you get from sitting on Gnaugahyde chairs is actually the vengful spirit of the Gnauga knawing on your @$$