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It’s Been Decades for Three Years

Posted on Saturday, December 18th, 2021

Dave!It's amazing how I'm strong as steel through most everything that's thrown at me... yet there's a few things that will send me spiraling like I was made of wet paper towel. This morning I looked at the calendar, saw that tomorrow is my mom's birthday, and was a wreck all day long. It's been three-and-a-half years now since she died. There are days that it seems as though she passed a few days ago. Then there's days I feel like I've been without her for decades. Today it felt like the latter, and I had to do the mental calculation because I can't believe it... 2019... 2020... 2021. Yep, that's only three years.

And for the hundredth time I feel guilty for being so very grateful that she died before COVID got here. I have no idea how she would have dealt with it. Since she couldn't make any memories, maybe it wouldn't have been so terrible for her? But it would have been a living nightmare for me. Having to visit her at the care facility and only getting to look at her through a window. Worrying that she doesn't understand why I can't come in (assuming she would even recognize me). Feeling like it would be better if I didn't try to visit at all. I get anxious just thinking about it. I have absolutely no idea how people going through this during COVID keep their sanity. I would be in a horrific mental state.

Which is not too far off the mark when it comes to my mental state right now.

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Comments

  1. CD says:

    I’m so sorry, Dave. The pain you feel regarding your mom is palpable, but can be nothing compared to what you must truly feel. I am though, comforted by how wonderful a relationship you had and have really enjoyed reading and seeing photos from your travels with her. Hang in there! <3

  2. Lora says:

    I’m so sorry. I hope that your many happy memories with your mom can bring you comfort.

  3. Marc says:

    My sincere sympathies, Dave.

    My mom died this summer and visiting her was fairly difficult. I can’t imagine how this would have been if she had suffered from dementia. Her bad hearing, masks and some confusion after her heart attack was making things difficult enough.

    Take good care of yourself! <3

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