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Posted on Monday, February 6th, 2012

Dave!The amount of hate-mail/hate-comments dropping on my blog have reached new highs lately. It had died down to one a week for the longest time, but now I'm getting at least one a day. I'm guessing it has to do with Washington State getting ready to pass marriage equality and the court decision coming up on Prop 8, because most of the mail/comments are from entries where I talk about that kind of stuff.

Not surprisingly, nothing I've been getting adds anything remotely interesting to the conversation. Instead it's just anonymous profanity and/or insults directed towards me, which is immediately deleted.

The thing that upsets me about all this is not that people are compelled to toss a little hatred my way... but that they're so bad at it. Their profanity is just pathetic and funny, and their attempt at insults aren't even vaguely insulting. It's all just so amateurish and lame.

So, in an attempt to improve the level of hate-mail/hate-comments on my blog, I've decided to help out the haters by giving them some tips on how to hate better. First I'm going to list the five most common "insults" they use... then I'm going to give them a far more insulting alternative...

Ur Gay.
I can see how bigoted homophobe guys might take it as an insult when somebody calls them "gay" (or some slang approximation thereof) but, since I'm not a bigoted homophobe, this has zero impact as an insult. You might as well be calling me "left-handed" or "short" or "blue-eyes"... they're all wrong, but it's not like I give a shit. On the contrary, being called "gay" is pretty much a compliment in my book. Many of the gay dudes I know are some of the most kind, strong, interesting, hard-working, honest, decent people I've ever met. They also tend to be better-looking and better-groomed than me. To be lumped in with a group like that (even mistakenly!) is not something I mind one bit. No, I'm not into guys, but I have plenty of gay friends that mean more to me than any crap I take for standing with them. So unleash whatever homophobic bullshit on me you want if it makes you feel more secure about your own sexuality. I'm here to help!
MORE INSULTING ALTERNATIVE: "Ur Thoughtless." The very foundation of my beliefs is based on being thoughtful towards others... even if they're being assholes towards me. I am not always successful (especially when I am angry) but I do try. Being told that I'm not trying hard enough is about the most hurtful thing somebody can say to me.

Ur Liberal.
I get labeled as a "liberal" all the time. I'm the first to admit that my political sensibilities do tend to fall in the liberal spectrum, but it's almost always having to do with human rights and environmental issues. Yes, I think the very poor (particularly children) shouldn't have to go hungry or be denied medical care. Yes, I support humanitarian foreign aid efforts. Yes, I am 100% onboard for citizen equality issues such as same-sex marriage. Yes, I believe in a woman's right to choose (even though my personal beliefs may be otherwise). Yes, I am totally supportive of anti-discrimination legislation. Yes, I think the government should have some oversight when monitoring food safety, education, and environmental matters. Etcetera. Etcetera. And if somebody wants to call me "liberal" or "progressive" or "socialist" because of my beliefs, then so be it. But even though I don't consider myself a "liberal," that doesn't mean I'm going to be gravely offended in being labeled one.
MORE INSULTING ALTERNATIVE: "Ur a Hippie." I value hard work highly. So having somebody equate my humanist beliefs with a drugged-out, love-bead-wearing, guitar-strumming, ponytail-bedecked, do-nothing hippie squatting in a park somewhere is pretty damn insulting. I'm about as far away from a hippie as I can get considering I'm not a millionaire but, when it comes to unfounded name-calling, this one gets me riled every time because I Just. Loathe. Hippies. So. Darn. Much.

Ur Conservative.
I get labeled as a "conservative" more often than you might think. Usually by "liberal" friends who simply don't understand how I could possibly agree with anything that any conservative might ever say. Ever. But... there are areas where I absolutely do. Usually when it comes to fiscal responsibility, the folly of entitlements, the one-sidedness of subsidies, and the overall concept of getting government the fuck out of every aspect of our lives. True conservatism promotes personal freedoms as a cornerstone of our society. The fact that so many self-proclaimed "conservatives" completely ignore this fact is not the fault of conservatism... but the hypocrisy of morons who don't know what they're talking about. So go ahead and call me a conservative, because I actually do know what I'm talking about.
MORE INSULTING ALTERNATIVE: "Ur Heartless." It's not my fault that so many faux conservatives come across as heartless bastards, but being lumped in with these people is something that truly stings. I was once called "heartless" because my lack of support for government beef subsidies "hurts small cattle ranches." But I know full well that it's the massive conglomerates with cruel livestock conditions and horrendous pollution that are the biggest beneficiaries of the billions of dollars that our government hands out. Not to mention the health risks that come from cheap beef production. But even knowing what I know, the thought of somebody thinking me heartless is pretty hard to take.

Ur Stupid.
Being called "stupid" is about as popular as it is laughable. Because what I am, in fact, is a genius. Not just a self-proclaimed genius, but an actual certified genius with the IQ test scores to back it up many times over. And when one of my ass cheeks is probably smarter than the dumbass calling me "stupid," it's not like I can ever take their crap seriously. Odds are that they call people "stupid" because they're too fucking brain-dead to debate the issue with any kind of discourse. They read something here and think "I disagree with this statement, therefore the person who wrote it must be stupid!" and away they go. Want to contest my opinions and observations? By all means please do. I love a healthy debate, and think that everybody can learn from other people... even somebody as smart as I am. But call me stupid? All that does is confirm to me that you're the one that's a fucking moron.
MORE INSULTING ALTERNATIVE: "Ur uninformed." Before I form an opinion on anything, I really do try to examine the issue from all sides. I can't learn everything, obviously, but I want to at least have a grasp on the generalities before I go spouting off. So if I've overlooked something obvious and am truly uninformed on some aspect of an issue... then bringing that up is about as big a slap in my face as you'll manage (well, verbally, anyway).

Ur Untalented.
This usually comes from somebody commenting on one of my DaveToons. Now granted, if my crappy cartoons were all I had to go on, I'd probably call myself untalented. They're crude, amateurish, and repetitive, so I get it. But to judge the entirety of my talent (or lack thereof) based on one cartoon you happened to run across is really shortsighted. I don't get paid to blog, so they're supposed to be crude, amateurish, and repetitive... they're designed that way so I can create them quickly and move on to something that's going to pay me! But, whatever. I do a lot of work with a lot of people and a lot of companies who like my work and respect my professionalism, so calling me "untalented" over a stupid cartoon will fall on deaf ears.
MORE INSULTING ALTERNATIVE: "Ur boring." My blog isn't always as exciting as it could be. But since I don't write about work, friends, family, or relationships, there's a huge chunk of my life that's not going to end up on Blogography, so this is something I have to live with. But just because I'm blogging about this new brand of toilet paper I bought, that doesn't necessarily mean that this was the most exciting thing that happened. It just means it was the most exciting thing which I could write about. So even though I know my blog is boring at times (and can't be helped), it doesn't make it any less hurtful when somebody reminds me.

And there you have it, haters! Here's hoping the next round of insults I get from you will be much better than the weak-ass, anonymous, pussified, dumbassery you usually send my way.

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Categories: Blogging 2012Click To It: Permalink


  1. Suebob says:

    UR boring and stupid, which is why I stop by every day to see what you have said. Because that makes perfect sense.

  2. Ren says:

    What a boring and uninformed post from a heartless, thoughtless, hippie.

    (It’s opposite day, right? Or it’s not opposite day, wrong? Or something like that….)

  3. Sybil Law says:

    Ur awesome.
    Screw those douchebags.

  4. Michael Gardner says:

    Just read this post…

    Two words:

    “Ur Awesome!”

    Please keep up the good work…. Those of us who have read you for more than 30 seconds know the truth.


  5. Danalyn says:

    You’re hot. Er…sorry…

    UR HAWT!

  6. DrRuss says:

    The insult that cuts me to the quick is “Ur Lazy.” I have worked since I was 14 and I always provide due diligence to any project that I am working on. So for someone to tell me “you took the lazy way out” or “this was a lazy effort” reduces me to a quivering bowl of jello.

  7. KaraB says:

    Boy oh boy, they sure are going to be upset when they find out about the court ruling on Prop 8!

  8. the muskrat says:

    One day, Generation Y will learn to write as if they’re not texting. One day.

  9. brandon says:

    i long ago realized that the only way to know if you were a popular blogger is if you are regularly insulted. which is why i secretly insult all my blog friends, in order for them to feel better about themselves.


  10. Erin says:

    Ur hawt dood. 4 Sho. N AWSUM. 4 RLZ Yo.


  11. RW says:

    I never get insults. But then I’ve hidden my email pretty well too. Plus I’m never wrong. That helps too. 🙂

  12. i just don’t get it. if i read something online that i don’t like i either make a case for the opposite opinion or i click the little fucking red x in the upper right corner and never return. saddens me that people feel so compelled to attack. especially using UR. that UR thing makes me twitch.

  13. bo says:

    I think the DaveToons are awesome precisely because they do exactly what they’re designed to do. The simplicity of them is genius.

  14. martymankins says:

    Ur Selfish… for not making Dave Lake City 4 happen. You promised there would be one, but oh… because of your love of the Hard Rock Cafe and because we don’t have one anymore, you stay away from this state. I mean, we have 2 Apple Stores now. That has to mean something. That’s it, I’m going to wear a clown costume while eating chocolate pudding.

    Seriously, great post. I’ve never understood the hate that people have in their lives. I thrive off positive and optimistic experiences with others. The miserable state of those that send you hate mail is just plain sad and wrong on so many levels.

  15. You can call me, 'Sir' says:

    Brandon’s right. I took January off because of all the hate he threw at me in November and December.

    Seriously, these people can’t even spell “you’re”. Nothing else that leaves their fingers matters after that.

  16. J.P. says:

    I guess I’m the competitive type because I’m wondering what your IQ rating is.

  17. Megan says:

    I don’t get hate mail, probably because nobody’s reading me! If I did, I’d simply respond with, “You might be right.” Which of course implies that they might be wrong, too, but they’re probably too stupid to understand that. This type of response goes hand in hand with the non-apology, “I’m sorry you got upset when…”

  18. Jim says:

    Ur… is a city in ancient Sumeria

  19. Faiqa says:

    People suck. Ur fantastic. XO

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