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Day Two: At Sea

Posted on Monday, September 14th, 2009

Dave!Cruises have their pros and cons. The biggest pro is that you get to visit a lot of places without having to pack and un-pack your suitcase. Your "hotel room" travels with you, so all your stuff gets to stay where it is. The biggest con is that any time you're not visiting someplace, you're trapped on a giant boat. For some people, this is paradise... but for somebody like me, it's paramount to torture. And it's all my fault, I'm sure. I don't like doing arts & crafts. I don't like cheesy trivia challenges or BINGO games. I don't like non-stop eating. I don't like socializing with crazy strangers. I don't like going to the spa. And I really don't like "Broadway-style" shows and crappy comedy routines. That leaves walking around on deck and reading books all day. Which is okay... but not the kind of adventure I'm used to having while on vacation.

But it is relaxing because you get to look at stuff like this all day...

Queen Charlotte Island from Sea


There are a lot of people onboard. And most people are idiots. And many of those idiots are assholes.

Yesterday after I got onboard, I immediately went to the shore excursions desk to confirm my reservations. I was third in line. The couple at the front of the line was finishing up, and gave their room number to the agent for billing. It was on the lowest deck in a not-so-glamorous area of the ship, which caused the guy ahead of me to say "Gee, they sure stuck you in a crappy cabin!"

How do people like this live with themselves?

For all anybody knows, that couple might have saved money for years for this cruise, and that cabin was the best they could afford. Suddenly a vacation they were excited about was crapped on by some moron with poor manners and a big mouth.

Me, being me, was compelled to say to the couple "Hey, at least you can take consolation that you're not on the jerkwad deck!" which was good for a laugh. Sure this makes me no better than the asshole, but what can I say? I live to humiliate mean people.

Because I will never understand those who gain happiness by bringing misery to others.

Which is why I very nearly screamed "SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" to yet another dumbass who was heckling a musician playing on the pool deck. Here was this guy doing his best to entertain people. and he has to listen to some idiot keep interrupting him by screaming "FREEBIRD! FREEBIRD! FREEBIRD!" and "DO YOU KNOW ANY OTHER SONGS?"

People like to joke that I travel so much because I am a global assassin for hire. If that were true, I would kill this stupid fucker at no charge for the benefit of all society.

Anyway, it wasn't all boring today... there was some excitement too.

First of all, I saw a whale swimming outside the window during dinner. He was beautiful as he arched through the water, and it evoked a lot of "oohs and ahs" in the dining room. I didn't have my camera ready, so I can't show you what he looked like, but I can show you what he didn't look like...

This is not a whale!

At first I found it funny when people would get all excited because they thought they were seeing whales, but were instead seeing a piece of wood or a blob of kelp. But after the tenth time it gets pretty tiring.

The second thing that happened is that we were attacked by pirates...

Pirate Boat!

At least I thought they were pirates. It turns out that it wasn't a boat full of evil pirates after all... it was just a pilot boat making sure we didn't crash into the coastline or something.

But we didn't need pirates. There was already evil on board. AN EVIL TOWEL PIGEON WITH BEADY LITTLE RED EYES!! He was sitting on my bed when I got back from dinner...

Evil Towel Pigeon

But the most exciting thing today was the sunset view from my balcony...

Sunset at Sea

Pretty sweet. Tomorrow the ship arrives in Juneau. That'll be even sweeter.

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Categories: Travel 2009Click To It: Permalink


  1. SFChick74 says:

    The key is to drink heavily when you are stuck on the ship. Then you most likely won’t care about the assholes. Plus it’s the same ratio of assholes to good folks, you feel like there are more because you have less room to flee from them. If anything, they make good blog fodder.

    Juneau kicks ass! I loved seeing Mendenhall Glacier and all the bald eagles. Alaska is a trippy place. I think was the bizarre hours of sunlight they get that made it trippy for me.

  2. Etienne says:

    In order to make things more interesting, maybe you could could could suggest that instead of of a “crappy b’way show” you could suggest that they do an audience-participation version of the modern opera “The death of Klinghoffer” and get the a-hole to play the main character. He’d be really surprised when the PLO terrorists make him make him ‘walk the plank’ so-to-speak when they roll him overboard, off the deck in a wheelchair. (‘Course you’d have endure around 2 hours of Minimalist modern music which would probably far outweigh any satisfaction you’d get from the finale.)

    You’ll love AK. I lived there for 2 years and and it was awesome.

  3. Watch out for the towel monkeys….. I hear those are deadly!

  4. kapgar says:

    Towanimals are cute and cuddly! Not evil!

    They don’t have a mean bone in their cottony soft bodies.

    Now just apologize to the towanimal and pledge your undying allegiance to him.

    BTW, how much does your wifi cost on the boat? Are you actually getting your 3G connection on your iPhone for free?

  5. Hilly says:

    That story reminds me of those people we had dinner with at the mystery show. I cannot stand it when people *think* they are being funny when all they are being is downright rude!

    Also, I kinda like that pigeon…he’s not that scary!

  6. noraisins says:

    I’m glad to know that I am not the only one who can’t stand the boat activities, socializing with strangers, or the confines of the ship. I much prefer a road trip to a cruise any day. Hope you enjoy Alaska.

  7. Sybil Law says:

    I am so jealous! About the assassin part. 😉

  8. the crazy towel creations fascinated me on the one and only cruise i went on. don’t the employees have better stuff to do?

    and how wonderful that you have a balcony! fantastic.

    i think you should become an assassin. earn a little extra on the side, ya know?

  9. Annette says:

    Neat that you’re doing the Inside Passage… hop on the Alaska Marine Highway sometime… common folk take the ferry and the atmosphere will be more to your liking. You may not get a stateroom, so plunk yourself and your sleeping bag down next to a new friend on the back deck. Put your feet up in the forward lounge, grab a beer from the bar and have a Dave holiday. Best wishes on your trip from a former Alaskan resident.

  10. You should totally stab the towel creations with a fork or chopstick or something. And leave it for housekeeping to find. Use ketchup for blood. It would be awesome!

    God, I need to get out…

  11. Jacki says:

    I like how one of your tags is EVIL TOWEL PIGEONS. I find it funny, but yet so sad knowing that there is someone out there doing a search containing those words.

  12. I’ve heard that copious amounts of alcohol help in this kind of situation. That would be my remedy anyway.

  13. Michelle M. says:

    So how much would a global assassin charge? Because I could definitely throw some work your way.

  14. Avitable says:

    Your issue with a cruise is the same one I had on the only one I’ve ever taken. I always wonder if it would be better had I gone on a better cruise line or something. I suspect not.

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