Since I'm flying to Chicago today, then driving north into Wisconsin, I've decided to bullet my entire day. Thanks to iPhone, it's a piece of cake.
Delicious chocolate cake with sour cream frosting and a side of chocolate pudding with a glass of milk.
• Crack of Night. Not "crack of dawn," because it's 4:10am, and dawn is hours away yet as I head to the airport. I've barely had three hours of "rest" (not sleep), so I can pretty much guarantee that this day is going to suck.
• Pulled Over. The final stretch of road to the airport is well-known to be notoriously patrolled by the police. I know this, and yet I'm so tired that I wasn't even bothering to watch my speedometer... I just followed the car ahead of me. Unfortunately, this was not too bright, because just as I can see the runway, flashing lights come roaring up behind me and I notice that I'm going 47 in a 40 zone. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT! Rolling down my window, the officer says "And how's your day?" Trying to keep my disbelief from showing, I say "Well, it was going okay up until now." He finds this funny and replies "Eh, it will still be okay," and proceeds to let me off with a warning after calling up my flawless driving record. Pleasantly surprised, I find myself thinking that perhaps the day won't suck after all.
• Check-In. Lovely. The first words out of the agent's mouth as I approach the counter are to tell me that there is a weather advisory for Seattle, and the plane may have to return to Wenatchee if they can't land. I guess the day is going to suck after all. An interesting aside... my big-ass suitcase was 1.4 pounds above the 50-lb. limit. I took out a pair of jeans and hit a weight of 49.9 pounds... sweet! No additional baggage fee for me! Of course, now I'm having to carry that excess weight in my backpack, so I guess it all balances out in the end.
• Bitch-slap. Wenatchee's Pangborn Field is a tiny little airport served by one airline with minimal flights each day. Because Homeland Security fears that lax security at smaller airports poses a threat, the security team here is quite a bit more thorough than larger airports. This means passing through the check-point takes considerably longer because they only allow one person in the screening area at a time. This makes the line move agonizingly slow but, since the planes are so small, the wait isn't terrible. So when the dumbass behind me decides to advise me that I should unlace my shoes so I can be ready, I very nearly bitch-slap the fucker so hard his ponytail would snap off. "MY SHOES ARE ALWAYS UNLACED," I snap. "Uh... what?" he replies. "I DON'T LACE MY SHOES UP!!" I say even louder. "Oh!" He mumbles. The guy probably thought that I was blowing him off, but I was actually telling the truth. I haven't laced my shoes up all the way in nearly 20 years. But still, even if I did lace my shoes, what fucking business is it of his? If you're not with the TSA, kindly fuck off and don't tell me what to do.
• Take a Seat. The flight-load out of Wenatchee is fairly light, so the post-security lobby is almost empty. Yet, despite an entire room filled with empty seats, a clueless couple decides to sit right next to me AND take my arm-rest. I try to be flattered, thinking perhaps they like the way I smell or something but, truth to tell, I just want them dead.
• Strawberries & Ass. Across from me a woman is snacking on some kind of shredded-wheat-type cereal that has an obnoxious pink frosting on it. Even worse, the crap smells like strawberries and ass. I skipped breakfast this morning so I could eat in Seattle so, as hungry as I am now, even strawberry-ass cereal is making my stomach growl.
• In-Flight. We are told, twice, that there will be air turbulence on the way over to Seattle, so no beverage service will be offered. Problem is that this was one of the smoothest flights I've ever had out of Pangborn Field, so I can only assume that the cabin steward lady was too tired and/or lazy to pour apple juice at 6:00am.
• Unsurprising Delay. My flight into O'Hare has been delayed 30 minutes. Typical.
• Breakfast Burrito. Sea-Tac International was remodeled a few years back, giving weary travelers a very nice open-air food court with plenty of eateries to choose from. The egg-and-potato breakfast burrito at Qdoba is especially delicious. I order a large one with extra cheese and a carton of milk.
• BOSE Sucks! I really like my SURE headphones, but they don't fit into my iPhone, so I have to use this ridiculous adaptor. Problem is that the it sticks out pretty far and I keep smacking it with the stiff cords coming out of my earbuds. Terrified that I'm going to bust my glorious iPhone, I leave my SURE set at home because I know there's a BOSE booth at Sea-Tac. A sign on the booth says they open at 7:00am, but there's nobody there at 7:05am. With nothing better to do I decide to wait. Finally, at 7:22am, the booth bitch comes walking up with her cup of Starbucks. Apparently, her morning coffee is more important than getting to work on time. As I walk up to the kiosk, she immediately tells me "You'll just have to wait 5 minutes while I get set up." I'm pretty pissed, and tell her that "I've already been waiting 22 minutes and I'm not waiting any more." With service like that, BOSE can kiss my ass.
• iPhone Buds. There's an InMotion store at Sea-Tac, so I wander in and see that they have some V-Moda "Vibe Duo" earbuds made specifically for iPhone. They tell me that the microphone isn't great but the sound is good, and offer to let me try a pair. I don't care about the microphone (as I rarely use a headset when talking on my iPhone) so I give a listen. The sound quality isn't as good as my SURE buds, but they have very nice bass and crisp hi-lights that make The Cure and Nine Inch Nails sound glorious, so I go ahead at dish out the $100 and buy them. I've been listening with the Vibe Duos for an hour now, and they aren't too bad... some songs suffer from the hi-lights being too crisp, but overall it's good so I'm happy with my purchase. You could certainly do worse where earbuds are concerned.
• Storms of Chicago. Thunderstorms in Chicago have now delayed my flight even further. Two hours late and counting. Thank heavens I took that ass-early flight out of Wenatchee to make sure I had plenty of time for a connection! Word is that I may not even get out today. Waaahhh!
• Muckie? Mookie? Woo hoo! I'm on the plane! My in-flight snack is an oatmeal cookie with blueberries. It doesn't taste like a cookie though... it kind of tastes like a muffin. I guess that would make it a muckie? Or a mookie? Maybe a coofin? Whatever it is, it tastes pretty good. But, then again, I'm really hungry.
• Arrival O'Hare. I get to Chicago three-and-a-half hours late but, keeping in mind that there were other flights that got cancelled, I'm not going to complain. Except about the landing. The plane slammed onto the runway so hard that I think my brain got smooshed inside my skull. Seriously... I fly a lot, and this was pretty bad. I was expecting the landing gear to collapse we landed so hard.
• P.T. Cruisered. My rental car ends up being a little P.T. Cruiser, which I have never driven before. Unfortunately, the high center of gravity PLUS the small size PLUS the torrential rains PLUS the crappy stock tires make this a terrifying car to be driving in bad weather. It wants to spin and slide on wet roads anytime you try to stop at speeds over 40mph. This has given me some terrifying moments as the roads gets worse and the visibility starts dropping. I'll bet it's fun to drive when the roads are good though.
• Frozen Custard. I finally arrive at my destination in Wisconsin at 8:45pm. Because I haven't eaten anything except my muckie since 6:30am, I head directly to Culver's for some delicious crinkle-cut French fries and a caramel-cashew sundae. I embarrass myself by making yummy noises and having two orgasms while I eat my frozen custard.
And I guess that's all she wrote!
It is now 9:15, and I'm finally in my hotel room. I just found out that my work has been pushed back until late Tuesday (bleh!) so I now have an entire day-and-a-half to goof around. Who knows what trouble I'll get into tomorrow?
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Wow – pulled over for 47 in a 40? I usually go about 15 over the speed limit if I know there are cops around without a problem.
Sounds like tomorrow will be a good day.
I once had a PT Cruiser forced on me. I was mortified driving it. I hope this isn’t your experience! I felt like a poser.
What’s with the snacks on planes nowadays? They served us cookies on a 6am flight. WTF? I mean, you’d probably be happy about that but we’ve already established that oftentimes there is no food in your food. 😉
I’ll have what he’s having!
I was going to ask why you didn’t get the ButterBurger, but then I remembered—Culver’s probably doesn’t have veggie ButterBurgers, do they…
Two orgasms! I’ll have what he’s having.
my day was way, way more complicated.
-sleep til noon.
-go to work.
yep, a long and complicated day.
Well, you made it to Chicago. Whew, I’d call that trip eventful but that is travel these days, eh? Question: do you ever eat any protein?
I like coofin. Muckie sounds like it’s made of mud, and mookie just sounds like one of those awful pet names people call each other.
Man, oh man! You always seem to fall into some sort of adventure when you travel!
Also, I big time love PT cruisers – though I’m not quite sure why!
Realtime iPhone blogging — I like it!
¡Viva el iPhone!
Thanx for the earbud suggestions – Mine have been hurting my ears because the little plastic “here-this-will-help-it-fit-in-your-ear” piece came off of the left bud, so it hurts. I’m a big KOSS Porta Pro fan and since they broke (I’m sending in because they have lifetime warranty) I’ve been slummin. Those KOSS headphones are AWESOME and I’ve had them 10 years already and they just now broke. Great Bass, great everything. Plus they fold up!
The beauty, and I mean BEAUTY of this post is that it was so stellar that I was annoyed right along with you, for all the same reasons. And I’m sitting in my living room eating potato chips and waiting for the repeat of Army Wives to come on at 1:00 am.
That, my friend, is good writing.
Dude, I’m sorry your day was long and sometimes sucky, but, man, it really makes me want an iPhone.
I quite like days full of suck.
Welcome to my town, sorry about the wheels… it’s horrible to drive one of those MINI wannabees. Nice storms we’re having. Hope you brought your scuba gear!
You could sit and enjoy the news that Kristen Bell is going to star in Heroes.
Or, you know, maybe not depending on your mood.
Come on Dave, they do not charge a valuable frequent flyer customer like you for 1.4 pounds over the limit….or do they? 😉
Whatever storm you flew into obviously made it’s way cross country last night. Damned waterfalls of rain were pouring down at 4:30a flooding the streets and waking me. I. Want. More. Sleep!
Qdoba rocks…..and so does the pasta place just to the left-hand side of it. Oh, and the Wendy’s over to the right-hand side of it. Stop “not lacing up” your shoes and just go barefoot….it is the 40th anniversary of the Summer of Love, you know.
PS…and in closing…..frozen custard rocks too!
Wow… you make traveling for work sound so.. so… sucky! Hope tomorrow is better!
I don’t know about the “Duo”, but I have V-Moda Vibes for my Sansa Mp3 player and really love them. They have a “burn-in” period of about 12 hours, so expect them to get better with time. And I just love the fact the covers come in different sizes for your ear fit.
A note– the company actually designed them especially for Electronica & House music, so that’s why the bass is really booming and the treble really high, with low mid-range. For that reason, I only recommend them to folks if their mp3 player (or stereo or whatever) has an equalizer function, to adjust the sound as needed, particularly for non-electronic music. But other than that, I totally love them.
I have to say, I’m relieved that you were delayed in Chicago; I wasn’t prepared for the apocalypse which would accompany an on-time flight from there.
I was talking to a guy sitting next to me on my flight from L.A. to phoenix and he was telling me that he had the same issue with his iPhone and SURE IEM headphones and that he just went online and he found this
There has been a lot of talk about how dumb Apple was with this new headphone jack design, that is recessed and needs an adaptor to work with 99% of the headphones in the market.
Today, being one who could not listen to audio into his car due to said jack, took my dremel to my AUX extension cable and trimmed, oh 1/8″ of the plastic shealth off. The connector is still protected, no exposed wires and it fits snugly.
its on geeks r us, or if your not power tool friendly I have seen people use an exacto knife to cut away the case just enough to not need an adaptor.
I had a PT Cruiser rental and all the controls were in really weird places. Took some getting used to.
Your iPhone experiences are great. I’d get one, but I’m pretty attached to my Treo… just upgraded to the 755p on Friday. That doesn’t mean I can’t have iPhone envy and enjoy some good stories from a fellow Apple fan.
Always great to read your bullet travel log and wishing I flew even 1/10 of the amount you do. I miss the travel.
Have fun in Wisconsin.
I never sit next to people in waiting rooms, if I can help it.
ESPECIALLY not if the room is almost empty.
It’s the furthest corner away from civilization, for me!
Around here, we call the PT cruiser the “Pity Cruiser”. Pretty clever, huh?
This next part is somewhat unrelated to the post-du-jour. 😉
I think you’ll be watching Heroes this fall my friend!
Christ, you sound crazy on this one. I LOVE it! The shoelace thing was so fun, and then . . . strawberries and ass? God, this was a fun visit tonight. 🙂
mmmm…. frozen custard… sounds… so yummy and cool.. it was like 95 and humid here today and I was in and out of the office so much that I was bathed in sweat. Frozen custard would have been perfect…
Dude, I flew through Chicago today too, and it was the purest form of Hell ever. Even worse, I was on the red-eye from Phoenix, so I was also sleep deprived and cranky. I’m blogging it as we speak, so you should read it if you like to hear of other people suffering similar forms of torment.
As a transplanted cheesehead, I can vouch for the delightful treat that is Culver’s frozen custard. I don’t know if the restaurant menu overall is very vegetarian friendly, but I am convinced man CAN live on frozen custard alone. It’s a fresh, smooth, creamy, sweet scoop of heaven that indeed induces orgasms and attracts the attention of locals, tourists, dignitaries, Presidential candidates and Presidents!
They have locations in 17 states, and they use environment-friendly unbleached napkins!
Last time I had frozen custard I made yummy noises AND had THREE orgasms. It’s good to be a girl.
OK, I lie, I have never had frozen custard….
GOD I hate those PT Cruisers. Not only are they as ubiquitous (I liked the first two I saw, and then it went downhill after that) as croc shoes (I hated them on sight), but they are deadly in the rain and at least croc shoes are good for mucking around in puddles. Just say no to both.
“I try to be flattered, thinking perhaps they like the way I smell or something but, truth to tell, I just want them dead.”
“I embarrass myself by making yummy noises and having two orgasms while I eat my frozen custard.”
Those have to be two of the funniest lines I’ve ever read!
coofin! that made me laugh! I should try to invent and market that.
Whenever I get pulled over, i NEVER just get a warning! i was going 65 in a 55 on a state highway in western Minnesota last Friday, and i got a ticket. i asked the officer how fast people usually drive on that road, because i wasn’t passing anyone! he said i’d be safe at 61. i compromised at 63. until I got to South Dakota, where i drive 70 on the unpatrolled county roads. and where the state highway speed limit is 65!