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Day Four: Cologne, Germany

Posted on Tuesday, January 30th, 2007

Dave!Yesterday afternoon as I was walking back through the ISM show, I had to save some poor young woman from getting trampled by an anxious group of guys in suits who had just gotten off the escalator. When I helped her steady herself, I noticed that she was pregnant and quite upset. Who could blame her. After guiding her away from the crowds, I asked if she was okay, which only seemed to confuse her. I tried again with my terrible German skills, which made her laugh (hopefully "Bist du gutes? Ja?" isn't something horribly offensive). She then said "thank you" (in English) and was gone. Just my luck she wasn't German at all, and I offered to milk her goat in her native tongue or something.

I have been gravely disappointed that there haven't been many monkey candies at the ISM show this year. Usually, there are several companies with monkeys on their packaging, but there's been a drought this time around. Until I found a chocolates company called "Most" who has some beautiful packaging with monkeys on it...

Monkey Chocolates!
"Do you love your monkey or do you love me? Why can't you set your monkey free?"

Speaking of beautiful, there are many great things about Germany, but I think mayonnaise in a tube has got to be at the top of the list...

Mayonnaise in a Tube!
THOMY Mayo was okay, but I prefer Best Foods Mayo (known as Hellmann's Mayo, to you Easterners).

Great chocolate is probably on the list too. The other day I headed back to my hotel early so I could try and solve some kind of networking problem I was having (smearing mayonnaise on my PowerBook didn't seem to help). But when I got there, the problem had mysteriously disappeared (mayo rules!), leaving me with a free hour on my hands while I waited for my dinner meeting. I decided to walk along the Rhine for a bit until I ran across Schokoladenmuseum (Chocolate Museum). Since I had never been inside, I decided to take a look...

Awwwww.... cute! Little Pink Coat Girl was running around in circles!

My favorite part would have to be the big chocolate fountain. As I approached, a woman was dipping waffle sticks in the warm chocolate and passing them around. Needless to say, it was fantastic. I could have easily skipped dinner and ate chocolatey waffles all night long.

This would look totally awesome my living room.

Inside the museum is a working chocolate factory sponsored by Lindt. They make all kinds of stuff, including these nifty molded chocolates...

That is one big cock and pussy! They're as big as a grizzly bear!

The museum is built in such a way that you can view the process from every angle, even from above...

Screaming "DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHERE I CAN GET SOME F#@%ING CHOCOLATE?!?" is apparently not funny.

The factory section is beautifully located on the Rhine River, overlooking the riverboats and the cathedral...

"Hey baby, waffles aren't the only thing that taste good when dipped in chocolate!"

The German language is great. The best thing about it is that Germans are happy to smoosh a whole bunch of words together to make new words (one of my favorites being "Fahrgastausstiegswunschtaste" which is the button you push on a bus when you want to exit... I think there's got to be four or five words in there!). Sometimes you'll see words so long that your brain explodes trying to decipher it. I also like how German is so strangely familiar to me, despite the fact that I haven't studied it in years. It doesn't take a dictionary to figure out that this sign is saying "The third floor is closed for remodeling, thank you for your understanding" (or something like that)...

NOOOOOOOOO! That's probably where they keep the Oompa Loompas!

The museum also features a small greenhouse so people can see actual chocolate plants growing. It's more impressive when viewed from the outside though...

"Cocoa plants? Suuuuuuurrre that's all you grow in your greenhouse..."

And that's the Schokoladenmuseum. Worth a look if you happen to be visiting Cologne.

Now, if all goes as planned, I'll be leaving the country this afternoon for a few days vacation...

Categories: Travel 2007Click To It: Permalink


  1. MRKisThatKid says:

    I’ve never thought of us as easterners before, now i’m thinking of east-enders the soap. Oh this is no good at all.

    How many pounds have you put on during this trip?

  2. yellojkt says:

    I took three years of German in high school. I can’t remember most of it, but it’s easy to figure out those really long words. I can read the jokes in Playboy.

  3. keryn says:

    All right! I’ve added the Chocolate Museum in Germany to my list of must see places. I think the viewing of a cock and pussy that large AND made of chocolate is worth the trip! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  4. Avitable says:

    Tubes of mayo is just genius.

  5. Kyra says:

    If you keep posting about all that chocolate, I’m going to be waiting on your doorstep when you get back.

  6. Dave2 says:

    MRK… To West-Coast USA’ers… anybody east of the Rocky Mountains is an “Easterner.” I guess that includes the U.K. then if you have Hellmann’s mayonnaise for sale there? As for my weight… I am certain that I have lost pounds. Between climbing the spire of the cathedral and walking ISM all day, they are just melting off of me! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Yellojkt… Somebody buys Playboy for the jokes? That’s a new one! ๐Ÿ˜€

    Keryn… I was fairly close to writing about wanting to eat the cock and the pussy, but figured that was going a bit too far…

    Avitable… Just so long as you don’t get it confused with the toothpaste!

    Kyra… Well, sadly, that wouldn’t do much good… I’m not bringing any of it back with me. ๐Ÿ™

  7. RW says:

    And did you know that Colgne has one of the largest brothels in Europe!?

  8. Dave2 says:

    Oh sure! Tell me after I’ve left the city…

  9. Jeff says:

    How lucky are we? Most people go on a trip and keep their photos and experiences to themselves. WE get to live vicariously through you. Very nicely done. Thanks!

  10. My favorite thing about taking German was the compounding of words! I still remember ‘strassenbahnhaltestelle’ (street car stop). I guess that means that if you and I were together in Germany we’d totally rock on mass transit.

    Also, best captions ever.

  11. karla says:

    OK, so, um Dave? Yeah. Um, I just started a diet this week and your blog is killing me! So cut it out! Candy and chocolate and waffles! Mayo in tubes! (Which we actually have here in Norway, everything comes in tubes….tomato paste, some forms of meat products, etc.)

    You have been writing non stop about all the things I am disallowing myself!
    Right now your blog is my equivalent of porn…..

  12. ms. sizzle says:

    chocolate dipped waffles? um, yummmm! i love the captions on your photos. enjoy your well deserved vacation. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  13. MRKisThatKid says:

    Yup, we have Hellmann’s Mayo, so I guess you’re be fine if you ever visited and needed to make a sandwich.

    For some reason I checked their website and boy has it got a strange URL

  14. ssp says:

    I think your server thinks my RSS reader is in some way hostile. At least I’m seeing ‘Kiss my butt’ style drawings instead of your photos.

    Hmmm, chocolate…

  15. squeeze-tube mayo? omg, that’s hysterical!!!

  16. Laurence says:

    What ? A Chocolate Museum ? Why am I not in Cologne ? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ? The life is so unfair !!! ๐Ÿ˜€

  17. RW says:

    Prank Idea #278

    Substitute squeeze tube mayo for somebody’s toothpaste.

  18. Lela says:

    A Chocolate Museum?! These should be mandatory in every city!!


  19. Mooselet says:

    I hate you Dave. First a candy show & then a chocolate museum with large chocolate cocks. You lucky bastard. I’m going to go and eat a box of Tim Tams now.

  20. Sergio the frenchie says:

    Why am i afraid by Tommy Mayo ?

  21. diane says:

    Alright, I am now convinced that Germany is the happiest place on earth because they eat/make large quantities of waffles AND chocolate. You and Kilax are killing me!! I want to be eating sweet treats in a foreign land!

  22. Bre says:

    Ok, I must say – tubes of mayo kinda freaks me out, though I’m not quite sure why. I suppose I’m just not comfortable with Mayonnaise companies thinking outside the box. Well.. jar.

  23. LarryB says:

    My favorite German word is Geschwindigkeitsbegrenzung, which means Speed Limit. But that’s not what I like best – I enjoy the way that verbs and verb parts can take a little break and hang out until the end of the sentence.

    By the way, the exit button decomposes into “travel guest exit wish button”, more or less, and is oddly pretentious to my ear.

  24. Kapha says:

    lol – I am now stuck with an image of that guy sneaking down to the fountain after hours for a double-dip before heading back upstairs…

  25. Stefan says:

    Just one point to add: When you visit the Schokoladenmuseum you h a v e to try a piece of the wonderful ‘Dreikรถnigstorte’. It’s great! (One piece is big enough for at least two people…)

  26. MsFreud says:

    You’re in Koln! Dayum, Dave, that’s like 40 minutes from here. ๐Ÿ™‚ We missed the chololate museum when we were there- did the Dom… If you have time- head over to Trier and check out the Porta Nigra.

  27. Charles says:

    I personally know the white bear on your photo. Yes, the one just on the right.
    Can you pass him a message for me ?

    Yes ? Thanks !

    So, the message is : “come home now baby. My relationship with the Marshmallow Rhino is over. Please come back. Pleaassse.”

  28. Hilly says:

    Woah…my husband was raised in the Midwest and we just had the East/West coast discussion of mayo (as well as ice cream and hamburgers) yesterday. Yanno, the double name thing.

    So are you bringing us cock’s and pussies to TequilaCon?

    (I cannot believe I just typed “the p word”!)

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