Want to know the best thing about my Kick-Ass Blogiversary III Celebration? Not the fact that I get to have some fun promoting my favorite books, music, and movies. Not the fact that I get to share cool new T-shirts with Blogography readers (at below-cost, I might add). And certainly not the fact that it's just a way to say "thanks" to everybody who has kept me blogging in the first place. Oh no! The REAL reason that I love it is because of all the wonderful people who have sent me such kind, encouraging emails!
My favorite was from the laughably misnamed chuckle-head "The Real Dave" who wrote to congratulate me on the clever scam I am running to steal email addresses so I can sell them to spammers! Here is my reply...
Dude! you SO got me all figured out! I mean, never mind the THREE YEARS I spent building up a reputation with Blogography... I am all about the scam now! Seriously, do you KNOW how much money that spammers will pay for a fresh email address? Well neither do I, but a quick Google search shows that I can buy 100,000 names for just $20, so I am guessing that I can get TWO WHOLE PENNIES for the hundreds of names I scammed! Wow... and here I thought all those people claiming to make money on the internet were full of shit! Yet here I am making 2¢ in just a week! And just think... another one-thousand-two-hundred-and-sixty-eight years of this, and I can retire! Woohoo!
Since you were the only one brilliant enough to uncover my secret plan, THREE YEARS IN THE MAKING, I feel it's only fair that I share my profits with you. Please forward you address in all haste, and I'll get that penny right out to you!! You sir, are a frickin' GENIUS!!
But that wasn't enough. He wrote back again to tell me "nice try" and that anybody can take pictures of crap from Amazon and claim to have prizes... I'm not showing any REAL merchandise and so this is just a scam. Here is my reply...
OMFG, DUDE! You have just so totally blown the lid off of my Master Plan! Congratulations, because you are the Austin Powers to my Dr. Evil... THERE REALLY IS NO MERCHANDISE! Ha ha ha ha haaaaa! SUCKERS!! Please let me know when you run for president, because you totally have my vote for reals!
So, to everybody who entered, I thought I would just let you know that this was all an elaborate scam before you have to hear it on FOX News or something. I threw away THREE YEARS and sold you all out for 2¢, and it was totally worth it! And, to all of you who haven't entered yet, please continue to send in those emails! Who knows, if enough of you fall for this, I may get a whole 3¢ when this all ends on Saturday!
Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to go listen to my three new a-ha import CDs of Major Earth, Minor Sky... ALL AT THE SAME TIME!! BWAAH HA HA HAAAAH!
This is almost as good as the gal who wrote to tell me she hated my blog and its "nihilistic world view", but then proceeded to enter all the drawings! You rock girl! I so hope that you win!
Sometimes being an evil scamming genius is SO rewarding!
UPDATE: This just in from the peanut gallery: "I'm famous! In the interest of fairness you should tell your readers that I asked if you were selling email addresses to spammers. Asking is different than accusing. - The Real Dave". Touche my suspicious new best friend. Touche. And the answer is "yes!" Yes I AM selling email addresses to spammers... starting with yours. Those penis enlargement emails should start arriving any day now...
I love comments! However, all comments are moderated, and won't appear until approved. Are you an abusive troll with nothing to contribute? Don't bother. Selling something? Don't bother. Spam linking? Don't bother.
i can just picture cartoon Dave plotting with Pinky and the Brain now…THAT is how brillant this plan is….and if you need some more to hit the 3 cent make i will happily sell out some of my friends but only if i can get a penny off of a Dave shirt : P
Dave2, you’ve missed out on a major bonus here, you should have asked each entrant to detail in their entry email all their alternative e-mail addresses… only so you can ensure you can contact them when they have won said “non-existant” prizes, of course…
I know I’ve got an additional 3 emails that I use…
Oh he wrote back… apparently I invent “fake winners” so that I can pretend that I’m giving away all this stuff, when in fact there are no prizes.
So, to all you people who won prizes in last year’s Blogiversary II, I am sorry to tell you that you are all FAKE. Please adjust your existence accordingly.
Tink: The Brain is my idol. I too spend every waking moment planning on how to rule the earth. 🙂
Nicola: Well there’s nothing that says I can’t start now! Please go right ahead and send me those three email addresses, along with those of all your friends. I’ll make that 3¢ yet!!
Wow, he’s got you pegged. *rolls eyes* I’m sorry you have to deal with morons like that. Your super cool to be giving out prizes when you are the one that entertains us.
So has Zombie Dave T-shirt won yet? When can we buy it? I freakin’ love that T-shirt.
If I win any of the Blog-3 Prizes,(hint-hint) I’ll let “the Real Dave” know about it and prove that it’s for real…..as for Fox News, I’ld watch out for one of their satellite trucks hiding in the bushes near your home.
That picture of those 3 CDs looks familiar to me. Like I saw it laid out like that on the FRONT PAGE OF CDNOW!
Man I feel so used
Here, I was buying in to the idea of you being the Ruler of the Known Universe and the whole time you were scamming me for my email address.
Oh, come on, he’s totally yanking your chain! 🙂
I’ll send you my other three email addresses and split the profit with you.
Gee Pauly, since an autographed copy of your book is a signature prize in my READ with DAVE prize package… I guess this means that neither you, nor your book, actually exist.
It’s a real shame… especially after all the effort Kevin put into the whole “Lost Bloggers” promotion.
Not to mention how much I was looking forward to reading it. 🙁
Michelle: Zombie Dave hasn’t won until all the votes are counted, and there’s a whole day left yet! Anything can happen! 🙂
Harold: If I remember correctly, didn’t you win a shirt last year? That means you are fake too.
Pauly: Yeah, well, I was hoping the fact that CDNow! was bought out by Amazon years ago would have camouflaged this bit of deception, but I was totally wrong. There goes that extra 1¢ I was hoping for. 🙁
Rob: Yes, and how do I finance my plans for ruling the known universe? Buy selling email addresses! SCORE!
Liz: I thought so when I got the second email, but since he wrote back a third time, I now have no idea what to think.
Chanakin: Wow… my 3¢ is getting smaller all the time! This is turning out to be SO not worth it!
How about this:
I will send you, Dave2 (i.e., the non-real Dave), one whole nickel (that’s 5 cents) if you will agree to refrain from selling all of our email address to the demons o’ spam. That’s like 3 cents more than you’d make selling all of us out–ALL PROFITS, DUDE!
And, to show you all how self-sacrificing I am, I will pay the ENTIRE cost of shipping said nickel to [Say]WA from NY (that’s 39 cents of my hard-earn money, people!).
Wait, wait, hold everything. This just in…
Mr. Empress of Metal, my main man, has just informed me that he will MATCH my nickel. That means, that you will receive 2 nickels (that’s 10 cents) if you will agree to cease your alliance with the spam denizens.
That’s a 500% profit!!!!
Where else can you get a deal like that?
Now, in order to receive your 10 cents, you only have to do one simple thing: You must forward me all the emails addresses you coerced from all those unsuspecting contest participants (i.e., your victims).
If this keeps up, I am going to retire from blogging TODAY!
Nobody with a “nihilistic world view” listens to A-HA. Holy cow. Or Depeche Mode, for that matter. Or ESPECIALLY the Erasure ABBA-tribute album, “ABBA-esque.” I’m pretty sure they take away your Nihilistic World View card for just ONE of those offenses.
I left an assignment for you and Bad Monkey at the end of my today’s post. You know, for all your SPARE time. I realize it’s hard out there for a scammer/spammer.
Is this guy entering all the contests? If he wins, I’m going to be pissed!
Belinda: And assignment? Like HOMEWORK?!? Gah!
Brandon: Nope… that was an entirely different person. Though I do think it would be funny if this guy were to enter the contests! 😀
Wait, I’m surprised that he didn’t mention that when the lucky prize winners give you thier mailing address, that you immediately get on a plane, break in their house, and hack them to death w/ a Swiss Army Knife.
THAT is really your master plan! The 2 cents is just a bonus…nothing like feeding your sadistic impulses.
Don’t you have a disclaimer somewhere that stupid people are not eligible for prizes?
Even nonexistent ones?
You bastard. This is almost as bad as your door-to-door sex therapy scam! And we don’t even get laid for this one!! I hate you, Dave.
By the way…we’re still on for Saturday, right?
Since every little bit helps, I’m perfectly willing to sell out my students and their email addresses to help you turn a profit. In fact, we could run a lovely little scam if you’re willing to split the profits! I can get you all the Big Name University email addresses, and you can sell them for pennies!!
So you mean I was topless when I wore my “Bad Monkey” t-shirt out in public? God damn it!!! Though I imagine I scared the people who say my bare chest more than the damage caused to my psyche 🙂
P.S. “The Real Dave” sucks ass!
So I guess I’m FAKE. *sniff* Spent 33 years building my existence and for what? Nothing! Boohoohoohoo!11!! I’m even married to a FAKE GUY! Double boohoohoohoo!!!!!!111!!!
Listen, I’ll up the Empress of Metal by sending you a genuine Aussie 20 cent coin! Of course by the time you get past the exchange rate it’s worth about 15 cents, but it’s got a cool pic of a platypus on one side and Queen Liz on the other. Surely that is worth all your email addresses?
And he’s written to you again??? The man has issues…
Adena: And there you have it. Selling out my readers isn’t enough. I’m far more evil than that. It’s breaking into your homes and causing mental pain and anguish… THAT’S what really gets me laughing my ass off in the middle of the night! 🙂
Rabbit: Well, either that, or I should make a disclaimer that the prizes are, in fact, non-existant! Then only stupid people would enter!
Chase: Saturday AND Sunday, baby! No need to rush things here!
Bre: The money is adding up! At this rate, I’ll be able to retire my blog in under 700 years!
Troy: Oh no you don’t… I’ve got imaginary prizes to worry about! I’m not taking the rap for your imaginary clothing!
Firda: You totally Photoshopped that. If I can make it look like Elizabeth Hurley wears my T-shirts, anything is possible!
Mooselet: And my retirement has just been reduced to 672 years! I need to put up a blog tip jar!!
No problem on the fake prize I won last year. I faked that I was happy to get it. I even faked that I’d ever been a reader.
You really do get some of the dumbest emails. I’m envious of all the free time your emailers have.
Just so long as you don’t tell me that your motorcycle is fake, I think we’re okay. 🙂
Wouldn’t you know it?
I spend all this time waiting for Blogiversary III, and then some jerkball kid runs through the apartment community cutting everyone’s cable connections on the 17th.
We don’t have cable TV, so instead of being able to turn on the TV to discover the cable’s out, I get to run down a long list of possible problems, the end result of which is me rushing out to plonk a couple hundred down on a new cable modem, Ethernet router and Wifi AP.
My neighbor is kindly allowing me to siphon some bandwidth off his WLAN as my connection won’t be fixed until Monday. Until then, Happy Blogiversary, Dave!
Oh, and be sure to sell my email address to the worst purveyors of spam you can find; I hear they’re the ones who pay the most.
Geez, talk about a long con! You’ve got to be one patient SOB, waiting three years like that. But hell, the payoff’s huge. You’re probably underplaying it…I’ll bet you’re gonna get at least a nickel.
I feel so used and dirty.
May you rot in the depths of blogger Hell, David Simmer! Yes, you heard me! ROT!!!
Do I have to send an e-mail to email@example.com to partake in the rotting with you? Seems to fit your e-mail schema.
Well, if there is any doubt as to who is the real Dave, there is only one way to clear things up. “Will the real Dave Simmer please stand up… please stand up… please stand up?” Now I’ll just sit here and wait for the real Dave Simmer to please stand up, and this whole issue should be cleared up rather quickly.
Dude! I just now got in bed… I’m not standing up until morning!
Well, unless that glass of water I just drank hits my bladder in the middle of the night… maybe then.
I’m fake? OR am I faux? I’m a faux winner? That was a faux t shirt you sent me?
Wow…I really need to rethink my life. If it is all fake, then, do I really exist? Did I take the red or the blue pill?
I am getting existentially congested. Must go nap.
What an ass-speeelunker… 😉
I think this person just accused me of not being real, and the wonderful prize of books and videos I received last year doesn’t exist.
I’d be offended, but since I don’t exist, I don’t think.
I still have a bit of guilt over the shirt I won last year.
I won one and decided to buy one as well. As I recall (and I refuse to check my facts) one of the shirts was going to cost $X. The other shirt was something like $X+3. I could get either as my free prize.
As Dave was being extremely generous with his Blogiversary I felt it would be spiritually wrong (I still carry a lot of Baptist guilt with me) to ask for the more expensive shirt as the freebie.
I even spelled out in my email that I wanted to pay for the $X+3 shirt and get the $X free.
Dave, as master of the known universe(and unknown universes … sorry Rob, you left that out) tweaked my order so that he ate the $3.00.
That’s a lot of e-mail addresses he’s going to have to sell to recover the $3.00.
(There may have been a $4.00 difference. I think Bad Monkey was going for $8.95 and Blogography was going for $12.95. I’ve gone with $3.00 as I don’t want detractors thinking I’m a plant in the Blogography audience trying to make Dave look good.)
I too feel used and dirty… and that’s a feeling I usually enjoy! 😉
Ahh – such sweet and tasty sarcasm. Great post!
Funny thing, I was just watching the episode of SpongeBob Squarepants with my daughter (the one where he wants to become rich selling cookies) and immediately thought of The Real Dave.
Dave, You are seriously amazing!! If all the links from these comments come from fake readers, then you must be creating all of the blogs from these links. You really do have to much time on your hands! I think you probably even wrote Pauly’s book. You are even writing this comment, right now……
I myself have been a puppet of the Great Dave Simmer for well nigh four years! 🙂
I just have one question:
Does this mean Belinda’s boobs are fake, too? The ones under the T-shirt she won last year? (At least, I think she won it …) Wait! Maybe BELINDA is fake, and someone photoshopped all those poodle wedding pics on Flickr!!!
I’m so sad.
Man, I KNEW I had more spam today when I checked my account! Damn you, Dave, for using me as a pawn in your nefarious “penny an address” plot!
Wait, if “The Real Dave” thinks you’re inventing us, does that mean I’m not real? Am I just an imaginary creature in your dreams, and when you wake up, will I disappear? Way to BLOW MY MIND, “The Real Dave.” Well played, sir. 🙂
So you mean I wore my fake Blogography T-shirt (that I really didn’t win last year) to work yesterday?? Damnit I hate it when that happens. Oh wait a minute, I forgot…. I don’t exist.
“The Real Dave” sounds like a real dick. 😛
My therapist keeps telling me it’s all in my head…but I never would believe her. DAMN for making everything fall apart!
Fake this and fake that. I was all excited that I won the Zombie shirt too. I’m going to be watching for the fake delivery so I can wear the fake shirt to my favorite fake coffee shop. BUT I refuse to fake anything that begins with “O”.
It would be far more fun to sell just HIS address, take the loss on everyone else’s addys and give it out to us so we can sign him up for extreme spam programs. He probably used a fake address though to protect his identity. I think he’s really Spiderman.