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Posted on Thursday, October 27th, 2005

Dave!I've recently started drinking Kool-Aid again.

No, I have no idea why. I haven't drunk it since I was a kid and yet, as I was walking by the Kool-Aid aisle in the store, I had the sudden urge to buy some. And not the pre-mixed crap either... the real Kool-Aid in little packets that requires you to add your own sugar in huge amounts. Sadly, some of the standard flavors I used to enjoy have been replaced with strange new varieties, but they're still ever so yummy.

Which is not surprising. I mean, Kool-Aid consists of is a cup of sugar that has been chemically flavored... what's not to love about that? The only thing that frightens me is not tooth decay or a shorter life expectancy, but the Kool-Aid Man...

Kool-Aid Man

Crazy bastard. He always shows up and starts busting through walls and stuff so he can terrorize kids and feed their hyperactive young bodies a crap-load of sugar. But he's a man(?) with a mission, so you've gotta respect that.

But now we have an all new Kool-Aid Man...

New Kool-Aid Man

What the f#@% is THAT?!? In an attempt to make Kool-Aid Man "cool" they've given him a Hawaiian shirt, hip purple tennis-shoes, and pants. PANTS?!? Kool-Aid man doesn't have PANTS! This is just sick. If Kool-Aid Man wears pants, that means that Kool-Aid Man is packin'.

Kool-Aid Man now has a penis.

I can only assume it's made of glass like the rest of him. Going to the bathroom must be a very delicate and dangerous process... and I don't even want to speculate about Kool-Aid Man gettin' busy with it.

Who are the sick and twisted dumbasses that would give Kool-Aid Man a penis? He used to be a glass picture of Kool-Aid with arms and legs... I have no idea what he is supposed to be now. Is he some kind of mutant? Was a man somehow combined with a picture of Kool-Aid in a freak nuclear accident or something?

This is highly disturbing.

Oh well. All I can say is that if new scary-ass Kool-Aid Man crashes through my wall, he's getting a kick in his glass testicles. Call me a pussy if you like, but I don't think the manly rules of engagement apply in a situation like this.

Categories: Food 2005Click To It: Permalink


  1. Anthony says:

    lol 🙂 I dont think they sell Kool-Aid over here but in no way should they have revised the character. He now looks a bit camp instead of scarily happy.

  2. karla says:

    For me? The scariest thing about Kool Aid, besides all the sugar and the absolutely addictive qualities of it (I have some here in Norway) is that fact that that sh*t STAINS. Do NOT spill any of that powder, man, or your skin, kitchen and white white futon (urg) will be red forever.
    Kool Aid is evil. Evil Good. Even with a glass penis. Hmm…maybe it’s supposed to be a straw?

  3. Dave2 says:

    Oh… owwww… now I’ve got THAT image stuck in my head… ACK!! And now Monica Lewinsky has shown up and is saying “HEY KOOL-AID MAN!!!” Argh… ack… WAAAAHHH! KARLA, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!?


    Camp? Yes… I think you might be right Anthony. Though the old Kool-Aid Man (which you have been spared from in Dublin) had a very weird mouth. In the television commercials, Kool-Aid Man was live-action, but his mouth was animated. Scarily happy indeed.

  4. karla says:

    Teehee….I never thought of “Oh Yeah”…but it sure do have a new meaning now!

  5. Kevin says:

    With Monica around, I’m sure Kool Aid Man is a “pitcher half full” kind of guy.

    OH YEAH!!!!

    I can never listen to Duffman again.

    Maybe we’ll all get lucky and Kool Aid Man will fall for a diamond glass cutter.

  6. SJ says:

    Hmmmm. Perhaps what we have all been assuming is an innocent handle is actually physical evidence of just how much Kool-Aid Man enjoys BEING Kool-Aid Man . . .

  7. MRKisThatKid says:

    Being a brit my only experience of the kool-aid dude is from family guy, and to be honest he seemed pretty obnoxious.

  8. Chaz says:

    Oh man, I’d forgotten completely about the Kool-Aid dude. I used to love that stuff as a kid, but I’m sure my parents hated giving it to me. Surely, it must have sent me into some crazy sugar rush. Then again… I would imagine I’d crash pretty hard after a sugar buzz on that stuff meaning more free time for them. Ahh, the nostalgia…

  9. Harold says:

    As a kid in the 50’s I was raised on Kool-Aid…and certain flavors went with certain foods, with no exceptions:
    Tuna Fish sandwiches…lemon-lime kool-aid
    Hamburgers…… orange kool-aid
    Peanut butter sandwiches…. strawberry kool-aid
    grilled cheese sandwich…..grape kool-aid
    ( but now I prefer just a plain old Irish whiskey sour on the rocks)

  10. Dave2 says:

    You will be crushed to know that I cannot find Lemon-Lime Kool-Aid. I don’t know if they’ve stopped making it or what. I also can’t find Raspberry, Pineapple, Mountainberry, Berry Blue (AKA “Windex Kool-Aid”), and… heaven help us all… Purple-Saurus Rex!

    Kool-Aid and Vodka or Kool-Aid and Gin make most excellent beverages. Well, at least the children seem to like it. 🙂

  11. “I don’t like it when my juice wears tights.” – Dane Cook

  12. Belinda says:

    Kool-Aid Man has creeped me out since childhood. I mean, he comes CRASHING through your walls (who cleans up that mess, and what do you tell your insurance adjuster, and anyway, since when does GLASS smash through BRICK? Huh?), and presumably pours your drink from his own giant, manic, perpetually sloshing self.

    It just ain’t right, man.

  13. Art says:

    Is it just me or does the new Kool-Aid dude looks a little fruity?

  14. I think what you are forgetting to talk about is the most perplexing part of it all- How do you get pants on a pitcher?

    Sure Kool-Aid Man always had legs but his portliness always kept him from being able to stand on them. Henceforth he was forced to always be on the move, and not laterally b/c his knees can’t support pivoting such a large upper body. Therefore we have the “wall-busting” action that became his trademark, perpetuated by the fact that most doorways are too narrow for him and his belly reaches the door before his hand ever has a chance.

    We should be praising Kool-Aid Man for losing the weight. So what if he needs to wear pants to hide all that extra glass he has from losing weight too quick. Are you going to pay for the plastic surgery process to remove all that loose glass he has hanging around his weight? I think not.

    Either way a penis on a pitcher isn’t a bad thing. Pouring (or pissing) through the “pitcher-penis” would prevent those annoying ice cubes from overwhelming my glass with each pour.

    My last point is based on your assumption that someone wearing pants automatically has a penis. Is the reverse also true? Did the Scots not grow penises until kilts lost their acclaim? Or perhaps the lack of central heating led them to believe their penis was supposed to be that small.

  15. Kevin says:

    Oh holy hell, Michael. That just cracked me up to no end. Maybe this explains why Mel Gibson became so “off.” Spent too much time in that Braveheart kilt and now he just can’t live a normal life anymore. He had a penis and lost it by wearing the kilt and having it climb back in him. That would be enough to make me find God.

  16. karla says:

    Michael Lorenzo, you are my new God. I like how you think.

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