Whooooo! Happy Independence Day!
Today is the day where every red-blooded American gets to be a patriot. Or at least torch off some fireworks and burn the house down. Or whatever. It's also a day when politicians can wrap themselves in the flag and wax poetic about America so they can sucker people into believing that they actually give a crap about something other than money and power.
And what better way to do THAT than to drag out the old flag-burning debate? And that's exactly what the House of Representatives did last month when they endorsed a Constitutional amendment to ban such activities.
It's a perfectly lovely non-issue diversion that works every single time. I mean, why would we possibly want to waste time solving real problems like unemployment and health care when we can discuss idiots who are so stupid that the only way they can get their point across is to burn something.
Yes, I said it... I think anybody who burns a flag is a raging moron.
Partly because they have no respect for people who fought and died for what that flag represents... but mostly because it's just so lame and pathetic. About the only thing more pathetic is a politician trying to make it illegal.
And let me tell you why.
I was once involved with a project that had a very "patriotic" theme to it. As I started work, it was brought to my attention that it is forbidden by the "Flag Code" to use the flag as a symbol on anything except military, police, and firefighter uniforms. It is considered especially heinous to use the flag on "temporary" items which are discarded after use, or any form of advertising. This is considered to be desecration.
I adhered to this ideal for years because I didn't want to offend anybody. But then I started noticing that the flag appears on EVERYTHING from party streamers and T-shirts to campaign signs and posters. That's when I finally just decided to ignore the "Flag Code" and use the flag in situations where I want to sum up America in one iconic symbol. Hey, they do it for the Olympics, and all kinds of other organizations, so why should it be any different for citizens like me? So long as I use the flag respectfully... as a symbol of nationality and pride... I actually think this is a good and patriotic thing to do. Like when Perry and I went on our Hard Rock Run through Europe and I designed badges and pins for the event. I used flags to show nationality, and find nothing wrong with that:
But, with the flag appearing on practically everything, my point about lame flag-burners and the politicians against them is totally proven. Let's take this example:
Yes, it's a pair of flag underwear. But think about it for a moment. Let's imagine that this buff, shaven stud with a small penis was wearing these flag underwear to a dinner party. Then let's imagine that this was a dinner party where some food was under-cooked, and he got sick. Then let's further imagine that he got diarrhea and shit his pants.
Thus shitting on the flag of the United States of America.
Now, I don't know about you... but, in my mind, shitting on the flag is far worse than burning it. So if our STUPID f#@%ING POLITICIAN ASSHOLES decide that they need to distract us from REAL problems by amending the Constitution to make flag-burning illegal... then where is the amendment making SHITTING on the flag illegal?
And, because I'm in a mood, here's another example:
Those are flag napkins. But think about it for a moment. Let's imagine a high-school girl is going to a 4th of July party. Then let's imagine that she decides to drink alcohol for the first time and consumes a fifth of Jack Daniel's (another American institution). Then let's further imagine that she gets alcohol poisoning and pukes all over the buffet table and they clean it up with the napkins.
Thus smearing the flag of the United States of America with puke and tossing it in the garbage.
Now, I don't know about you... but, in my mind, cleaning up vomit with a flag and throwing it in the garbage is far worse than burning it. So if our DUMB-f#@% POLITICIAN IDIOTS want to waste taxpayer money to distract us from REAL problems with a new amendment... then where is the amendment making PUKING on the flag and THROWING IT IN THE GARBAGE illegal?
I could go on and on, of course. My imagination knows no bounds when it comes to stuff like this. But let's wrap this up, shall we?
Now go eat apple pie, watch a baseball game, light off some fireworks, and shoot guns from the back of your pick-up trucks... and do it quickly before they add a new amendment to the Constitution which makes it illegal. Happy Independence Day.