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Posted on Tuesday, July 20th, 2010

Dave!At some point, I lost the ability to swallow pills.

Don't ask me when, how, or why it happened... all I know is that in the past week I've ended up with a pill stuck in my throat every time I've attempted to swallow one. I then spend the next several hours eating bread and drinking water in a feeble attempt at forcing it down as it slowly disolves... leaving a godawful taste in the back of my mouth. I suppose my next step is to smash them up and mix them with apple sauce... or, better yet, vodka... to hopefully fool my body into not rejecting them.

Which pretty much regresses me to a small child.

Or a dog.

Perhaps I should hide the pill in peanut butter and put it on the end of my nose so I can lick it off. Dogs seem to love that.

I can only imagine that an inability to control when I poop will be next. Which is fine. They make diapers in adult sizes now, and I'm tired of having to get up and go to the bathroom anyway. All I need to do is find somebody to change me from time to time, and I'm good to go.

In other news nobody cares about, I unpacked my new desk lamp today! The springs in my old one had rendered it a floppy, useless mess, so I finally remembered to pick up a new one when I was at IKEA buying Swedish Fish candy last week. I went with good ol' TERTIAL because HUSVIK was too expensive and ANTIFONI was too small. The one I really wanted was MÖRKER, just because it had the coolest IKEA name ever, but it wasn't a swing lamp. I think I'll call my lamp "MÖRKER" anyway, just because I like the name. Now I wants me a GRÖNÖ to go with it.

Most of my evening was spent dutifully packing four separate bags for my FIVE upcoming back-to-back trips. I tried to get one night at home in-between all that, but the closest I could get was Seattle. So now I'll be flying back to the airport for an overnighter just long enough to swap luggage. How I'm going to manage criss-crossing the country for the next two weeks and still keep my sanity is a mystery at this point. I'm just too tired to fight it.

There's probably a pill for that, but I couldn't swallow it since I'm out of apple sauce and vodka.

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Categories: Travel 2010Click To It: Permalink


  1. Neil T. says:

    Without knowing what pills you’re taking, have you looked at possible alternative forms of the same medication? Some may be available as a liquid or dissoluble tabs that are easier to swallow. Talk to your pharmacist.

  2. RW says:

    Yeah but imagine trying to swallow a desk lamp! THAT’S a real problem, let me tell you!

  3. Trust me, from someone who currently has to give their dog 6 pills a day, the ol’ peanut butter trick wears off *really* quickly.

  4. A. Lewis says:

    You ARE a pill. I can just see you down on your knees licking the peanut butter off the end of a stick.

  5. Sybil Law says:

    I think you’re just overthinking it. I do that sometimes, and at night, I’ll freak out and think I can’t just SWALLOW. Which is weird. Relax, relax…
    Otherwise, that sucks.
    Your travel plans have me exhausted already.

  6. Pachinko Sid says:

    Strangely enough, i read your posting this morning, and then this evening quite by accident came across this and i thought of you.

  7. Ashly says:

    Don’t work yourself up Dave. When I was 11 I convinced myself I couldn’t swallow and I couldn’t eat anything for weeks. Not even chocolate pudding.

    • mike says:

      Ashly, I wish I had your will power…
      Gained a gag reflex? Concentrate on something else in the far distance whilst drinking a glass of water and sneak the pill in with the other hand quickly, sorta full mouth breating out at the same time. You won’t drown and it’s far more likely that you will swallow. Baring that grind and snort or let it be absorbed through your rear end as the last result. Gag reflex may clear up by then.

  8. Were they jagged little pills? Those stick in my throat all the time!

  9. I know how you feel. I recently lost the ability to open pop cans. Go figure.

  10. Hilly-Sue says:

    I have a HUSVIK at work! Ahhh, IKEA…changing the way we pronounce even the most innocent of things. I think that when I move in a few months, I am going to do my whole kitchen in IKEA just so I can go around trying to pull pronunciations out of thin air!

  11. Hilly-Sue says:

    Oh also? I used to be able to swallow a handful of pills at a time but now I gag. This is no reflection on my other gag reflexes though. Ahem.

  12. Etienne says:

    I tend to have the same pill problem so, I just take a few swallows of water before so, my throat’s not dry then, wash it down with another. (Of course chocolate pudding would help lubricate it, too.)

    I love the IKEA names, too. You just made me realize that as someone who sells furniture for a living….I own more of their stuff than the stuff I sell.

  13. Göran says:

    Well. I wouldn´t trust an IKEA lamp with the name MÖRKER to do the work. It means darkness 🙂

  14. Um, the mental picture of you with the pill in the pb on the end of your nose was pretty fricking funny. 🙂 I’m better now, but I used to have a hell of a time swallowing pills, so I can relate. Although I never had to resort to pb on my nose . . . 🙂

  15. Avitable says:

    Guess it’s time to switch to suppositories!

  16. The Momshell says:

    We have a Grono in our bedroom. Good stuff. Long live Ikea!

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