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Day Eight: Cologne

Posted on Saturday, February 7th, 2009

Dave!At first I had typed "So here I am back home again..." only to remember that Cologne is not my home. I'm here for just one night so I can get packed up and fly back to my "real" home in the morning. While it will be nice to sleep in my own bed again, I am not looking forward to the 14 hours of travel I've got to endure to get there. Wah.

As I arrived at the main train station here, I overheard a young couple pouring over a train schedule saying "That's the Dusseldorf airport, we want Cologne!" In general, I tend to avoid tourists unless they are in some serious trouble, because it's been my experience that you just get screwed for trying to help out. But I was in a good mood, so I walked up to them and said "If you're wanting to get to the Cologne Airport, your best bet is to take the S13, and you can catch it right up there every 20 minutes or so." They turned and looked at me like I was from outer space before the girl said "But that's not on the schedule!" Trying to remain helpful, I replied "You're looking at a schedule for regional trains. The schedule for the local trains has a giant "S" printed on it. If you walk up to the next board, there should be an S-Bahn schedule there." Still more blank stares until the guy says "I think we'll just wait for a regular train." I had no idea what he had against local trains, and didn't want to start a debate over the subject, so I just said "Okay then, good luck!" and wandered off.

Will I ever learn?

My hotel is just two blocks from the train station, which is kind of a bummer because I've always wanted to experience McClean...

McClean Toilets Sign

It's the "safe and clean toilets" alternative to the toxic waste assault chambers you'd usually find at a train station. And all at a bargain price of 1 Euro per flush!

As expected, Disapproving Woman was waiting for me...

Disapproving Woman says "Not even if you paid me!"

But what I didn't notice until today was that she's not alone...

Hair Salon Posters

OMG! IT'S GEORGE CLOONEY!! Far from being disapproving, he actually seems happy to see me...

George Clooney Poster

After my last cone of potatoes with mayo (= sob! =) and a Spritzringe donut, I decided to catch up on email and FaceBook. Surprisingly, FaceBook still thinks I'm in Spain...

Sexy Facebook Ads from Spain

Aw, they get all the sexy ads! Just look at how they sell their ice cream...

Sexy Magnum Ice Cream Ad

At least I think they're selling ice cream. This could be an ad for condoms.

And on that note, it's time for me to pack my suitcase and try to get some sleep.

When is somebody going to invent the Star Trek transporter in real life?

Categories: Travel 2009Click To It: Permalink


  1. Peter says:

    The last pix is a left over from Magnum’s Seven [deadly] Sins, you know the ones Lust, Greed, Envy… It was banned in Italy [Pope related] but in the northern hemisphere of Europe it was a huge success.

  2. A Lewis says:

    Welcome back home…..the fake home and the real home. Are you going to be in Seattle this coming Saturday by any chance??/

  3. SJ says:

    Just finished catching up on your trip entries, which are an utter delight, as always. But what is up with that woman’s ass in the ice cream ad? It looks like she’s got a cantaloupe stuffed up her dress back there.

    If somebody invents the transporter before we get our flying cars, I’m going to be mad as hell. Do they not realize it’s the 21st century?!?!

  4. Howard says:

    Wow and I still want some of that ice cream. I guess it sells itself. Hope you’re having a great time. And if you find a transporter make sure you are NOT wearing a red shirt.

  5. Hilly says:

    George Clooney makes everything better!

  6. Sybil Law says:

    Not sure if you’re home yet, or not, so safe traveling!
    George is hot.
    I am so curious about the potatoes and mayo. Can you post a pic of it?

  7. Sue says:

    Oh my word, some people. I could have used a friendly gent like yourself when I got lost at LAX looking for Tom Bradley International (I think that’s what it was called). I was all by myself and I had to ask a number of people to get the right directions (and they were all in uniform.. some help that was)!

  8. yellojkt says:

    A buck fifty to take a dumps sounds a little steep, but I’ve seen a lot of bad European toilets, so maybe it’s a fair price.

  9. Marc says:

    “That woman” in the ice cream ad is Eva Longoria, by the way.

    Hope you got home safe and without further delays or cancellations.

  10. ahhh… the amateur american tourists. Of course. Distrusting yet ignorant.

    Eva Longoria selling magnum. Daymn, I’ll buy that.

  11. martymankins says:

    When George Clooney thinks you are sexy bitch, you have officially won.

  12. Mmmm cantaloupe….

    But seriously, ice cream shaped sex toys. Think about it. Different shapes sizes and textures.

  13. whall says:


    (I have no idea what it means, but it sounds so tasty to yell out loud).

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