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Posted on Saturday, January 10th, 2009

Dave!Twitter is what they call a "micro-blogging" service that allows you to post quick 140-character updates throughout your day and have them compiled into a webfeed with other Twitter users. I signed up for it as a joke when I made my DaveStalker™ page, and thought I'd get bored with it in a week. That was several months ago.

All this time I've been treating Twitter as a "disposable" medium to post random crap. Except Twitter isn't disposable. It's not only archived in several places, but shows up in Google searches as well.

This was made known to me this morning when I received an email from a former co-worker who was looking for me on the internet... and found my Twitter feed. This came as a bit of a shock. I don't really think about what I post there, so I had no idea what it was saying about me.

So I took a look, and pulled some random tweets of mine from the past couple months...

"Thinking of breaking my vegetarianism if only I could find some unicorn meat. I hear it's magically delicious!"


"Getting ready to make love to the Swiss Miss Instant Cocoa packet. Oh how I love your creamy hotness, Swiss Miss!"

"As a tribute to crack-whores everywhere (bless them!), I am blasting Amy Winehouse music while waiting for the MacWorld keynote to begin."

"Oooh! It's Madonna... she's going to dress me up in her love! I hope all my immunizations are current."

"= tee hee = I'm leaving comments while naked and eating pizza. Praying that an errant drop of molten cheese doesn't ruin my day."

"I'd say that the Hewlett-Packard B9180 printer is shit, but it aspires to be that good. It dreams of one day becoming shit."

"Gah! Whores!"

"I an so totally hammered right now. Thank heavens for spell-chuck!"

"Oooh! It's a hamster!"


"I make no apologies for being an Apple whore. They can take mundane shit and make it fascinating. Microsoft? Exactly the opposite."

"I hate watching Wheel of Fortune when some bitch is 'woo-woo-ing' it up like a drunken whore at a frat party. SHUT UP! JUST STFU!!"

"A guy at my flight's gate is praying the rosary. What does he know that I don't know?"

"Oh. He's a priest. I guess they don't have to have a reason to pray the rosary."

"I want Johnny Lee Miller's wardrobe from the movie 'Hackers.'"

"Wow. You know the weather in Seattle is bad when you can't even order up a hooker to your hotel suite! I wonder if they get hazard pay?"

"Shit shit shit shit SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!"

"I have fleeting moments of feeling happy with my life, but just as I try to grab ahold of them, they vanish. Now I wait for the next moment."

"Drunk girl at airport yelling to anybody who will listen that she needs some pot. And possibly crackers. I can't tell what she's saying."

"If your child is posessed by Satan, please leave it chained in the basement instead of bringing it to Disney World."


"Wow. Disney's Animal Kingdom has a very big anti-poacher bias. Where are the poachers to present their side of the story?"

"I hate people. Just about everybody. Well, everybody except you, of course."

"If every day was like today, I'd be sticking my head in a Cuisinart and punching 'puree' or maybe 'chop'"

"You know the French Fries are going to be fucking fabulous when they're so greasy that ketchup won't even stick to them."

"Hey! The rumor is true... blood really is hard to wash off your hands!

"Oddly enough, I never have this kind of trouble when it's my own blood. I wish this mess would stay a pretty red when it dries on the walls."

"Wheee! It's like finger paints, but with hematological goodness baked right in!"

"Oooh... Paula Abdul's stalker has turned up dead! Lesson to live by... Don't Fuck With Paula Abdul.

"Holy crap... I've run out of hot glue sticks. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEBODY GET ME MORE HOT GLUE STICKS!! I'm shooting blanks here, people!"

Meh. Could be worse I suppose.

It just goes to show, there is nothing posted to the internet that can't come back to haunt you in the future.

So when those photos eventually pop up, please understand that I was young and needed the money...

Categories: Blogging 2009Click To It: Permalink


  1. loved this post. like trooo luv. fucking priceless.

  2. Jeff says:

    WOW… I am subscribing to your twitter feed right now. Look what I missed these last few months! I feel so empty….. but NO more!

    BTW, what was with the blood? Before I officially become a Dave Stalker, I kinda would like to know…. just in case…..

  3. Chris says:

    Well at least all my twitter updates revolve around sushi so I should be safe… Now what’s this about pix – what’s the url, don’t make me take away your chocolate pudding.

  4. My favorite twat is the last one. I LOLed when I saw it the first time, and it still cracks me up!

  5. Blair says:

    “I an so totally hammered right now. Thank heavens for spell-chuck!”

    This has me lauging my ass off…I cant even breathe….too funny!

  6. whall says:

    I’m proud to be able to say I was there for many of them.

    I’m not necessarily as proud to say that I’m probably your biggest stalker, because TweetStats says that 39% of my tweets are replies, and you have a more than 2-1 lead over 2nd place for who I reply to.

  7. Avitable says:

    I told you, I won’t release those photos until someone offers me the millions I’m asking!

  8. Faiqa says:

    LOL. I admire how clever you are in 140 words or less. It would take me at least 500 words to work up to that level… before coming up with something 25% as clever. (See?)

  9. Sarcastica says:

    Haha you cracked me up again; although I follow you on Twitter and already saw most of these Tweets, they still make me laugh 😀

  10. martymankins says:

    We all strive to top the cleverness of your many Tweets. Sometimes we come close, sometimes we miserably fail in an EPIC way.

  11. Hilly says:

    I still love the “spell chuck” one the most. But you already know that I find your drunk twats to be the best!

  12. Sarah says:

    I love your tweets. They make me laugh.

  13. Göran says:

    “If your child is posessed by Satan, please leave it chained in the basement instead of bringing it to Disney World.”

    I´m glad these sort of updates are avalaible on google, more parents should be aware 🙂

  14. Yep, your bid for “Dictator of the Known Universe and of the 8th Dimension” is completely toast.

    But, I hear they’re hiring over at the 5th dimension. They’ll take anybody.

    Wait, this comment made me look like seriously lame geek, didn’t it?

    Well, shit.

  15. The internets are insidiously endless! And you never know when ‘stuff’ is going to come back from the depths to bite you on the ass… 🙂


  16. Naomi says:

    Wow…I feel very stalker-ish since I recall each of those… Twitter; its the new crack.

  17. sizzle says:

    Am suddenly horrified that what I have tweeted can be google searched. Not good. Not good at all.

  18. Mel says:

    I had that problem too about the google. I took off my real name of my twitter account.

  19. No, no NO!! I’m not doing it. NOT DOING IT.

    I will NOT

    Twitter with a mouse.

    I will NOT

    shall not

    Twitter in your house.

    I will not

    Twitter in a tree

    I will not Twitter

    till you pee

    I cannot

    Twitter if you cry

    I shant not

    Twitter till I die.

    sorry. CAN’T



    Well, at least not yet. Maybe I’ll change my mind later. But for now… technology is not only moving way too fast for me, it’s also annoying the hell out of me.

    (yeah yeah… so I posted this on Dawgs blog too. So sue me. I’m anti twitter and proud of it!)

  20. Someday after i’m dead my Tweets will define me and my headstone will read “WTF was she thinking?”

  21. Kevin says:

    These tweets are simply perfect. You should publish them! I’d buy the book!

  22. Justin Scott says:

    you and evehorizon have the best tweets. period.

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