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Day One: Cologne

Posted on Saturday, January 31st, 2009

Dave!To be completely honest, I did not want to take this trip. I am so tired of traveling as to be near-catatonic, and it would be nice to just like to stay home for a while. But it's important for my work that I be here, so here I am.

Though, now that I'm back in Cologne, I realize that it's a city I feel completely comfortable in. So much so that it's almost like being home. I'm staying at my regular hotel in my regular neighborhood. I know where everything is. I know how everything works. I have friends in the area. I understand German accented English fairly well, and speak just enough of the language (albeit poorly) to get by. The only difference between here and my actual home is the clowns.

Yes, clowns.

For reasons that escape me, Germans love clowns (and David Hasselhoff, but that's another story... possibly related). And since the Köln Karnival is coming up, they're everywhere. You'll be walking around a corner and BLAM!!! There's one of those scary-ass freaky bastards staring at you from a shop window poster...

Scary Ass Clown Bastard


It's things like this that traumatize my already-fragile mind and will one day send me over the bend. I'll see a scary clown poster one minute, then be running down the street naked screaming "DIE BOZO, DIIIIIIIIIEEE!!!" the next.

Sadly, unlike last year's drunken blog entry, I am too early for Karnival this time. I'm assuming this means there will be no Giant Flaming Wheel of Meat or attacks by transgender viking warriors to blog about.

That's a bummer, but I really have no cause to complain. My flight was awesome despite it being nine hours long. I didn't have to sit by any dumbasses or screaming kids. The movies I rented for my iPhone were all fantastic. My hotel had a room ready for me even though I arrived four hours before check-in. It doesn't get much better than this.

The only bad bit of news was that my luggage didn't show up... assumably having missed my connecting flight in Amsterdam.

But after having a wonderful dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe with some fellow Hard Rock fans, I opened the door to my hotel room and there it was!

DAVETOON: Lil' Dave finds his suitcase!

It's just like magic, and now I'm the happiest boy in the whole world!

Or at least in Cologne.

Given the clown density in this place, that's saying a lot.

Categories: Travel 2009Click To It: Permalink


  1. Jeff Zucker says:

    That’s amazing about the luggage. My luggage was lost on a direct flight from LA to Orlando and the airline couldn’t locate it for 2 days. Where the hell could it have been? I should have gotten extra frequent flier miles for my bag making a couple of around the world flights.

  2. claire says:

    I’m happy to hear your luggage made it with minimal fuss.

  3. Sarah says:

    It makes me giggle when I think about how much you hate clowns and that you were one for Halloween.

    I’m happy that you arrived safe and sound and are having a good time despite the fact that the clowns are everywhere.

  4. Sybil Law says:

    Clowns? Or is it KLOWNS?!
    Either way- eeww. What is it with the Germans?!!!
    At least it isn’t “The Hoff”!
    Sooo glad you got your luggage!

  5. Sarcastica says:

    I’d love to travel to Germany, even if there is a lot of clowns there (I hate clowns too…although not nearly as much as I hate nude beaches – have you SEEN some of the creepy old men that go to nude beaches, NUDE?!)

    I’m glad your luggage got back to ya sooner rather than later, with all those clowns walking around it’d be dangerous to be walking around without pants on!

  6. Crail00 says:

    Cologne is the sweet smell of success. Pun intended; and “Sweet Smell of Success” happens to be the current movie on TCM

  7. Hilly says:

    Maybe you can use your magical suitcase to beat up the clowns!

  8. The Duchess says:

    Nice to see that things are working out for you this time around.
    I’m pretty sure I had lunch at a McDonald’s in Koln once in my youth….

  9. Neil T. says:

    I have a theory that there is another Bermuda Triangle located in the luggage area in Amsterdam, as so many people I know have lost luggage when transferring there. Glad to hear it turned up quickly though.

  10. Avitable says:

    I’m impressed that you weren’t more frightened during our Halloween party given the anti-clown stance that you have.

  11. whall says:

    And the bonus part was that it was YOUR luggage! Not some other clown’s.


  12. serap says:

    For some reason the Cypriots are preparing for Easter really early, and there are giant scary papier mache things popping up all over the place. I’ve seen a huge scary rabbit, and the other day I drove passed a giant face… yes, a giant face. Scary stuff.

  13. Andy Hayes says:

    Ich liebe Koln!

    The modern art museum by the Dom has had some great stuff lately….

  14. Sinjin says:

    Man, first the clowns, next you’ll be harping on the awesome mimes (or maybe those are in Amsterdam?)
    Anyway, I miss the Giant Flaming Wheel of Meat, but I’m no vegetarian. So, how about some Kölsch & potatoes with mayo? What do they call those anyway? Probably some gigantic word starting with “Kartoffel…”
    And your luggage reminds me of something from Discworld books. Beware.

  15. Peter says:

    To avoid clowns in Cologne, go there after the Carnival is over. In a way I think you kick on clowns…

  16. Kailey says:

    That orange clown is extra scary looking. It’s like “fake-tan-clown” or “Cheetos-exploded-in-my-face-clown”. I think it may even be scarier than “Dave-as-Avitable’s drawing-clown” and that really would be something.

  17. Oddly, it’s only now that I’m older that I find Clowns to be creepy fuckers. I loved them when I was a kid.

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