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Bacon

Posted on Saturday, April 12th, 2008

Dave!Professor Ahmet MacBarnaby has the unfortunate distinction of being the first person to perish in an anti-gravity toilet accident.

The fact that his many accomplishments in life would be so embarrassingly eclipsed by the manner of his death is an irony anybody can appreciate. Except for Professor MacBarnaby, of course.

Not that it really matters to him... he's dead.

"Tut tut, my dear!" he mumbled as he had dismissed the attendant. "I managed to figure out how to deflect rogue tachyons during a wormhole compression, I think I can figure out how to operate a toilet!"

He couldn't have been more wrong. This was made abundantly clear as his internal organs were liquified because he failed to secure the rectal safety coupling before the Physemann Vent engaged. There are far worse deaths one can experience, but few have the distinction of disintegrating your ass in the process.

— Taken from "Varukkah Blind" (unfinished), by David Simmer II

   

You can thank Bac-Os Artificial Bacon Bits for my digging out an old sci-fi novel I started writing two decades ago.

I bought them because I used to like bacon when I ate meat, and the label promised me that Bac-Os "Makes Every Bite Better" (yet contained no actual meat in the ingredients). How can you resist marketing hype like that?

As usual, when things sound too good to be true, they usually are.

In this case, it's because Bac-Os taste like super-bacon infused toxic waste. They are SO disgusting. And now I've got a giant bottle of them taking up space in my cupboard.

But my real concern is the handful I popped into my mouth just now to give them a try.

They burned my mouth so bad that I became terrified as to what happens when they are excreted. Worrying over Bac-Os disintegrating my ass on the way out reminded me of the fictional Professor MacBarnaby in my story, and I was compelled to go read it again.

With classic storytelling like that, how am I not a massive literary success?


Categories: Food 2008Click To It: Permalink
   

Comments

  1. Hilly Sue says:

    Hell, I was impressed that I even knew what all those words in your story meant! I guess I have more geek in me than I thought.

    Wait for it…

    That’s what she said.

  2. robin says:

    throw away the Bacos immediately. they are the most vile things ever. They should not be classifed as food.

  3. Iron Fist says:

    I sure am glad I keep my rectal safety coupling secured at all times.

  4. adena says:

    You write books like you write in your blog. Same time of story telling.

    Love it! :)

  5. Well, I dunno. *I* liked your little snippet. Sounded a little Douglas Adams.

  6. joy says:

    Wow I forgot all about Bac~Os. I used to eat em all the time when I was younger and loved it. Now I’m curious if I’d still like them. When I feel the urge to make the purchase, I’ll just think of you and your burning mouth; hopefully that will divert me.

  7. Penelope says:

    If artificial bacon flavour contains no bacon, what the hell DOES it contain? I would be happier eating meat than eating some chemically reconstructed flavouring, seriously. (Yes I know you don’t eat meat now.)
    By the way, I think this blog shows that you already ARE a massive literary success, doesn’t it? :o)

  8. Kyra says:

    I can’t stand bacon in 99% of it’s forms, or misforms such as bac-Os… ick. But my brother could eat the whole jar like popcorn. *gag*

  9. Avitable says:

    Ass disintegration is an essential component to any successful science fiction or romance novel.

  10. Colin Brooks says:

    These things sound disgusting! Actually making images in my head from that story you wrote is a little disgusting also but I still laughed out loud.

  11. Dude, you should see what’s in MY pantry that’s been there ten years. And for some reason, I keep moving the shit with me.

  12. Harold says:

    I can’t wait for, “Varukkah Blind”,the Movie to come out…But because of it’s graphic toilet scene, I hope it’s not in 3-D.

  13. Turnbaby says:

    Of all the meats that exist and that I devour regularly with relish BACON tops the list.

    How many folks have these sites in their Reader — Bacon Unwrapped and Bacon Freak?

    Bac-Os are vile abominations. You might as well eat “Beggin’ Strips”

    And yeah–anything with disintegrating ass or someone getting hit in the nuts is FUNNY. Just ask Hello why she had to give her self the Heimlich*giggling*

  14. ChillyWilly says:

    So it sounds like there’s not much of a difference between Bac-O’s and the doggie treat Beggin’ Strips… not that I’ve actually tried a Beggin’ Strip.

  15. ajooja says:

    Any time my son goes shopping with us, Bac-O’s always end up in our cart. I don’t even see him throw it in there most times.

  16. Winter says:

    Liquefied organs. Oh, yeah. Sci-fi at it’s finest! As for Bac-O’s… you’re better off eating real meat than that hodge podge of chemicals. Yuck.

  17. Tracy Lynn says:

    I don’t know, Dave. I just don’t know.

  18. sfchick74 says:

    My dad calls foods like Bac-Os and Velveeta that have only a slight resemblance to actual food, “Pac-tron”. I’m not sure where he got that, but it seems appropriate.

  19. Tori says:

    there’s a DARTH MAUL on your page I’ve never seen before!! LOVE HIM!!!!!!!

  20. Poppy says:

    I love Bac-Os. I intentionally eat them by the handful and I dump them all over cottage cheese.

    I’m high class.

    But at least I love real bacon more.

  21. Lela says:

    Oh shit! Um . . . no pun intended. :-)

  22. Belinda says:

    BaconSalt. Just sayin’. It’s local to you and everything. Just be sure to use it in place of, not in addition to, regular salt. Yum.

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