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Posted on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008

Dave!Home at last.

If only for a week. Or less. I'm afraid to look at my calender for fear that I'm supposed to fly out again tomorrow. The very thought of having to travel yet again during the winter fills me with dread. I am so very tired of flights that are never on time... smelly hotel rooms... rude and disgusting people... bad drivers... schedule changes... and pretty much everything else, to tell the truth. Is it so wrong that I just want to stay home and hide under the covers in my own bed for a couple months? I don't know if I can take this much longer. Case in point...

This afternoon after following the stupidest person on earth through airport security, I was waiting for my flight home (delayed, of course), when I just started soaking up the atmosphere around me...

  • In the seat across from me was a decent-looking woman sitting next to her husband eating a bag of Sun Chips. With her mouth wide open. I had to listen to her crunching and smacking while bits of chip were falling out of her mouth, and it was almost enough to make me vomit. I wanted to start screaming "CHEW WITH YOUR FUCKING MOUTH CLOSED YOU DISGUSTING BITCH!!" and then ask her husband "FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHY DID YOU MARRY THIS HORRENDOUS PIG OF A WOMAN?!?" When she finished off her bag of chips and moved on to a giant beef stick, I had to leave because I was afraid I'd leap across the aisle and choke the ever-loving shit out of her.
  • In my new seat, the woman directly to my right was doing Sudoku puzzles while humming along to her music... badly. Then she went and bought an almond-poppy seed muffin which she proceeded to eat with her fingers. Since she was too fucking stupid to remember a napkin (and wouldn't get off her lazy ass and go get one) she would suck on her fingers after every bite. I spent a few minutes debating whether this new disgusting pig bitch was better or worse than the disgusting pig bitch I just left.
  • As I was contemplating shoving an almond-poppy seed muffin up a finger-licking bitch's ass, a woman and her hellspawn son sat down directly behind me. The kid was constantly bopping around in his seat while playing his GameBoy AT FULL VOLUME as his mother did nothing. Absolutely nothing. Never mind that her kid was bugging the crap out of everybody in a 20-foot radius, she decided to let him act like a dipshit so she could talk on her mobile phone.

I couldn't take sitting next to a bunch of dumbasses any longer without becoming suicidal, so I left to stand against a wall until my flight was finally ready to board. This was all well and good until a group of unsupervised juveniles decided to come stand in front of me while screaming at each other and laughing uproariously every ten seconds.


All in all, just another day of absolute and total torturous hell that I have to put up with every time I travel... is it any wonder I would rather stay home?

At least nobody stole the windshield wipers off my car in the airport parking lot while I was gone this time.

Categories: Travel 2008Click To It: Permalink


  1. Dagny says:

    Curling up in a fetal position in one’s bed is very nice, to say the least.

    But I must now come to the defense of the finger-lickin’ bitch. The problem is that no one taught her to not do this in public. Because if I’m around family with the right food? Hell yeah I’m lickin’ the fingers. All you have to do is remember the Colonel’s old slogan. OK. A muffin? Not the same thing. But Cheetos?

  2. SFChick74 says:

    Brutal. I hate it when that “Hell is other people” vibe starts happening in my awareness. Better to vent about it on a blog than to hit the bar and drink your frustrations away.

  3. Catherine says:

    You must make a bajillion and a half dollars and be the most world renowned and beloved Dave ever, or some other similar great thing, because GAH. All the time, these scenarii? I’d have killed somebody(s) by now. You are one resilient dude, dude. On the other hand it’s no wonder you feel like crap sometimes.

    Buy yourself some of your favorite brand of chocolate pudding, give yourself a rest and a treat.

  4. Mike says:

    Tell me about it, I hate excessively loud people, especially loud eaters. It’s just so needless, you can eat perfectly well without forcing everyone within earshot to listen to you as well.
    And children with their gameboys! Argh.

    But that’s not as bad as having to listen to other people’s music as they play it at full volume from their mobile phones, be it on the back of the bus, walking through town, in shops etc… Since when did headphones become passe?

    Now that is enough for me to perform a magic trick involving the incredible disappearing mobile phone, and the soon to be amazingly painful backside.

  5. Baak says:

    It could be worse, Dave… They could breed.

    Oh wait! They do!!!


  6. Michelle says:

    Well now, have you seen “Shoot ‘Em Up”? It’s along the lines of “Sin City” – although the story line is a bit weaker – but most of the entertaining bits start out with our hero saying “Ya know what I hate?” right before he does something to someone that personally offended his peeves.

    Study up darlin’ Dave, I’m sure we could take up a fund to bail you out. :o)

  7. RW says:

    You have just reminded me why I am glad I don’t do that anymore. Sometimes working in a small local place with reasonable ambitions and a limited but well-defined scope has its perks.

  8. kapgar says:

    How is it that you always seem to find the winners in airports, restaurants, etc.? When are you going to find Elizabeth Hurley sitting next to you in one of these places when she develops a sudden urge to nibble your earlobe or simply jump on top of you? I think karma owes you.

  9. Avitable says:

    There has to be some good passive aggressive ways to take your anger out on these people. Maybe a water gun?

  10. Lisa says:

    When I’m waiting at an airport I always have a magazine or book to read and always, always, always have my iPod. This is for the sole purpose of tuning everyone out. I don’t have to socialize, look, hear or listen to anyone else. I only have to keep an eye on the time.

    It might be time to put some new tunes on your iPhone and get a really good book.

  11. Mr. Fabulous says:

    Wow…I knew it was possible to sing badly and whistle badly, I had no idea it was time to hum badly…

  12. the patient says:

    suicidal or homicidal?

  13. sizzle says:

    this post makes me so very thankful i didn’t travel over the holidays…and makes me want to never do it again!

  14. Rick says:

    How is it that people know exactly where to stand when we’re down to our last, exposed nerve????

  15. Webmiztris says:

    I swear only the rudest, nastiest people on the Earth are the ones who fly….LOL that sounds like an awful flight, for sure!

  16. Wayne says:

    I will make a prediction. When Apple comes out with an iVizor, that goes over the eyes like a cool pair of Matrix sunglasses, but really plays videos and delivers aromatherapy and has headphones near the ears, you will one of the first people to buy one. You will sit in the airport with it on, looking like you’re just there, but really you’re immersed in your own world and can ignore your surroundings.

    Then you’ll laugh as you engage the add-on accessory you bought – laser shooters out the front. You’ll be able to target the kids gameboy, the lady’s cell phone, the bag of chips, the fingers, etc and ZAP! gameboy’s fried. ZAP, fingers lopped off. ZAP! chip bag blows up.

    Remind me not to fly the week after you get this new toy.

  17. mew says:

    i’ll close my mouth next time, jeeez !

  18. Not A Granny says:

    It never fails to amaze me how people act in public.

    And, OMG someone stole the windshield wipers off of your car!!! Where you live, with all the rain and snow and yuk! Scuzz buckets!!

  19. There are times when I start to think you’re a little on the crabby side, but then I have to remind myself about all the travel you’re doing. I couldn’t even imagine living life at such a hectic pace, so far from my comfortable routines and surroundings.

    Will you ever get some time to rest?

  20. bogup says:

    Just for the record, I never lick my fingers while eating an almond poppy seed muffin nor do I eat a giant beef stick in public, or private.

  21. ETinNY says:

    I don’t suppose they allow tasers in your carry-luggage, do they? An iPhone taser feature would be really cool!

  22. sue says:

    May I just say… I’m so glad I’m not you. *sorry*

  23. Dude, I love ya but some days you need to try decaf.

  24. Belinda says:

    This is why, when you give your child a handheld video game of any kind to play in close proximity with other people, you equip it thusly:

  25. Hi, first time commentor – but long time blog-stalker. Gotta say, I would have told the women off by now. It’s not good, I know – being obnoxious against other obnoxious, but if they’re so oblivious, I seriously, truly, and deeply believe they need an ass-whopping whether with a loud sigh, eye-rolling, dirty looks, or plain confrontations.

    No wonder I always get myself into trouble.

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